Monkeywatch - December 2015

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Christmas showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our festive foray into Fun City. Jingle all the way.

The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, but they clearly overlooked a much more satisfactory way of complying with such regulations. Close all the feckin’ schools.

You hear about people going the extra mile, but half marathon runners in Bangkok ended up going the extra four miles after a cock up by course officials sent them off the prescribed route and along what turned out to be a somewhat lengthy diversion. However, they did set a new record for the world’s longest half marathon and the organisers have offered all participants a free t-shirt by way of an apology, though this will be scant comfort to the bloke who ended up finishing the race in the back of a taxi when his legs gave way after 23 km. Fuckin’ cheat.

 

Pattaya is on a heightened state of alert following reports that two members of so-called Islamic Stinking Pig are on their way to the city in order to blow everybody on Walking Street to buggery. In response to this, police apprehended one Muslim and carried out a controlled explosion on what they thought was a stick of explosive in his trousers but turned out to be his penis. Oh well, at least some good came out of it. Don’t suppose he’ll have the balls to try anything now.

Mind you, these Islamists must be a pretty tough bunch if we believe this story on the BBC News website…

 

 

In a predictable tale, a bloke jumped to his death from a South Pattaya shopping mall, reminding us all that in Pattaya you should always look up as well as left and right before crossing any kind of thoroughfare.

 

In a less predictable tale, a cat jumped to its death from a South Pattaya condo block on the very same day. Police were unable to establish a motive for the incident, but decided that that animal was probably having relationship problems and recorded a verdict of suicide.

 

The next day, yet another suicide was recorded, that of an unemployed welder. Hang on a minute, if he was unemployed then he wasn’t a welder, was he? Anyway, he was found in the toilet of his home in a deceased state of being. Well, if it was good enough for Elvis…

 

And to top it all, a cock was found hung by a noose on a tree in East Pattaya. That’s cock as in bird – the dick jokes have already been done elsewhere. Anyway, this one looks like murder as the bird is reckoned to have lost a few fights too many and cost his owner an arm and a leg. One hung cock? Sounds like a Chinese tourist.

Donald Trump’s latest outpouring isn’t a new idea. Some years ago, a Pattaya night spot slapped a blanket ban on Muslim women entering the premises…

 

 

Bar news now, and first the surprising news that Spanky’s has become a ladyboy bar by the name of Katoeys Are Us. Or perhaps not so surprising as the place was formerly a poofs paradise that went under the name of Limmatquai 80 (named after a place in Zurich in case you were wondering.) Dollhouse is now open at its new location on Soi 15. Taboo A Go Go opened on Walking Street on the site formerly occupied by Fairies and a host of other failed bars – and then promptly closed again. Looks like it’s going to reopen as some kind of disco. Super. Pandors’s on LK Metro has closed already and looks set to be replaced by a new Go Go Bar run by a well-known gentleman previously associated with FLB, Sisterz, Babydolls and Private Dancer to name but a few. And Shanghai A Go Go has opened on Soi Lengkee (just walk down Soi Diana then keep going until you get hopelessly lost.)

 

It’s been observed that the red and white swimming barriers along Pattaya’s beaches have found many other uses apart from the zoning of bathing areas. These include walking, fishing, sunbathing, and of course the most popular of the lot, drowning.

 

An Indian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station in the wee hours of last Wednesday to report that he’d been assaulted outside a Walking Street Go Go Bar. He claimed he’d been sitting on a motorbike that someone had parked outside the bar while waiting for a friend when the doorman came over and told him to get off the bike. When he argued he was set upon by the doorman and two other men and given a good kicking. He also claimed that after the assault he was robbed of a gold necklace worth 75,000 baht and a wallet containing 3,000 baht in cash. The wallet was later handed in at the police station but the 3,000 baht it had supposedly contained had mysteriously disappeared. The police told him to take his empty wallet and bugger off, and the report was filed under ‘stinking pig stories’ in the station’s fiction department.

 

If you want to know where the Bamboo Bar is, don’t ask anybody who fancies himself as a comedian…

 

 

A Thai village chief is being commended after handing in a bag containing over $6,000 which he found next to a swimming pool in a Pattaya hotel. Police described the man as ‘a model public spirited citizen’, while his wife described him as ‘a dickhead’.

 

Thailand is supporting this year’s International Anti-Corruption Day with the motto “Transparent Thailand”. Presumably because everybody will see through it in an instant.

 

And finally, on December 5 the King celebrated his 88^th birthday. Nobody has made a joke about this yet – and I ain’t gonna be the first.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[yorta2 693]

Great, Mate!

[Bob Belzy 150]

Just in time; I get withdrawal symptons by the 13th of each month. Thanks!

[Nightrider 340]

Nice one as per usual monkey.......

[Siam Sam 964]

Mate after all these years you're still funny. Don't stop posting, the way I see it, it's an institution on this forum.

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

Jiggle all the way!

[teelack 9,638]

Your contribution is as always appreciated. Thanks for the time and effort