Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,509]

About to be executed, a mexican, a cuban, and a puerto rican man stand in front of a SWAT team.

They then decide to distract the SWAT team in order to escape. The cuban man was the first that was going to be executed. He says,"Mira! Mira! Un Huracan!!" The SWAT team turns around and the cuban man escapes.

Next, was the puerto rican. He then says, "Mira! Un Tornado". The SWAT team turn and the puerto rican escapes.

Last, was the mexican. He says, "Mira!! Fuego", and the SWAT team kills him.
 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[gs joe 1,776]

[forcebwithu 4,853]

[VPI78 11,509]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[VPI78 11,509]

A drunken Jew goes across the bar and breaks a Chinaman's nose. The Chinaman asks "What was that for?"

The Jew responds "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "Pearl Harbor," responds the Chinaman "That wasn't Chinese that was Japanese!"

The Jew retorts "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, you're all the same to me."

Later the Chinaman busts the Jew in the mouth. The Jew asks why, the response is "for the Titanic."

Jew replies "Titanic, that was an iceberg" Chinaman retorts "Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg......"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,509]

[VPI78 11,509]

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"

"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a french poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

[gs joe 1,776]

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, gs joe said:

Definitely New Age for me then.....I loved it in Germany !!!

[gs joe 1,776]

I asked a new age woman if I could smell her fanny 

Her angrily reply  was no ,

41 minutes ago, Bullfrog said:

Definitely New Age for me then.....I loved it in Germany !!!

it must of been her feet then 

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation."

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, you old bitch, I  said I want to join this fucking congregation.'

Secretary responds, 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him of her situation. The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to listen to such profanity. They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' 

There is no fucking problem, the man says. I just won £200 million in the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking synagogue to get rid of some of this fucking money.

I see,' said the rabbi ... and this cunt is giving you a hard time?

[gs joe 1,776]

Frosty as he heads to the bar crawl

[gs joe 1,776]

[gs joe 1,776]

EDon’t try this at home 
 

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, gs joe said:

EDon’t try this at home 
 

I knew a few girls that would have caught it ...!!

[gs joe 1,776]

51 minutes ago, Bullfrog said:

I knew a few girls that would have caught it ...!!

Me too and spit it back out. but all. professional 

[VPI78 11,509]

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names.

Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu... Well, he had to go back to China.

[Bullfrog 2,224]

7 hours ago, gs joe said:

Me too and spit it back out. but all. professional 

With a Watneys party four ........a party seven would be stretching it a bit far ..........

[gs joe 1,776]

1 hour ago, Bullfrog said:

With a Watneys party four ........a party seven would be stretching it a bit far ..........

That’s would be scraping the red barrel ,  brings back memories had the key fob ,

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, gs joe said:

That’s would be scraping the red barrel ,  brings back memories had the key fob ,

She might try to catch it if you promised to buy her a double diamond......It works wonders apparantly !

[gs joe 1,776]

36 minutes ago, Bullfrog said:

She might try to catch it if you promised to buy her a double diamond......It works wonders apparantly !

You’re had some classy birds if the dunk double D 

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, gs joe said:

You’re had some classy birds if the dunk double D 

We seem to one of the few areas that sold draught DD not the posh bottled stuff...