Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,509]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
 

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

Arthur responds ... if you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I.

 

[VPI78 11,509]

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.

"So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex."

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, VPI78 said:

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.

"So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex."

In the infamous "Rainbow" skit the answer was "Lager Fanny" ... In fact I think its worth playing the whole thing if I can find it somewhere ...

[Bullfrog 2,224]

 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

4 hours ago, jomtienguy said:

Oh good. I was starting to get bored.

[gs joe 1,776]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Is a hole a real thing, or just a place where something isn’t?

 

You Can't Handle the Hole Truth!

 

 

There's a whole lot of hole jokes right there.

 

So in 1927 I would have been able to stick my thing through it but I can't anymore.

 

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by BigusDicus

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

boo boo hehe

[VPI78 11,509]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.

"What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
 

[VPI78 11,509]

Farmer saw a man scooping water into his mouth from a stream.

"Don't drink that. My cows piss and shit in it."

"Could you speak slowly? I'm from pakistan and I don't speak English well", said the paki.

"I said, you'd do better if you used both hands."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[Bullfrog 2,224]

BTW..It was me that down voted the previous post......

 

I'm pretty much done with politics on the forum at the moment .. but please continue as you wish ...

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[biggles 509]

I gave it a ? as I thought it was a good comment on how the media can alter the narrative to suit their own agenda/prejudices

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

15 hours ago, Bullfrog said:

BTW..It was me that down voted the previous post......

 

I'm pretty much done with politics on the forum at the moment .. but please continue as you wish ...

I liked the joke and voted it "lol." But I agree with you, let's keep the political jokes on the "political jokes" thread in P&R.

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the blackberries, I need some blackberries right now!" The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your blackberries from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.

"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in blueberries. " She replies "There is no Fuc in blackberries?"

To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

clever. People will immediately assume a question by ignoring the punctuation at the end.

Edited August 30, 2020 by midlifecrisis

[VPI78 11,509]

Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Newark, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former chinese prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

[VPI78 11,509]

[sinbinjack 251]

18 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

 

18 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

Surely You wrote that wrong , as always has 6 letters, wouldn't you agree.

Edited August 30, 2020 by sinbinjack