Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,509]

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[gs joe 1,776]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

3 hours ago, gs joe said:

She would not even have to ask me....?

[gs joe 1,776]

Oops 

[VPI78 11,509]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

[VPI78 11,509]

A first time Pattaya tourist saw an elderly guy in a vest with his bar fine ordering a takeaway value meal at McDonald's in Central Festival and then wobble over to New Plaza where he ordered a happy hour 50 Baht Leo. He had noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup at Mickey's.

As he watched, the Vest carefully divided a hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half the Leo into the extra cup and set that in front of his bar fine. The Vest then began to eat, and his bar fine sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The tourist decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another Leo and some gai yang from a nearby grill for them so that they didn't have to split their meal. The Vest said, "Oh no. We've been friends for ten years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The tourist then asked the bar fine if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,509]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

[Bazle 1,485]

[keyman 1,413]

10 hours ago, Bazle said:

 

Appointment booked.............. ?

[BigusDicus 9,878]

15 hours ago, Bazle said:

I am in desperate need of help!

[VPI78 11,509]

Two elderly women Marie & Edith were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Marie and said, "Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[VPI78 11,509]

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

[VPI78 11,509]

70-year-old frenchy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doctor, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called frenchy's companion and said: "Your roommate's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

She laughs, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[VPI78 11,509]

[VPI78 11,509]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's five dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the five dollars. The ride is free".

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but five dollars is five dollars."

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,509]

Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Marie: What's that? Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Marie: Where did you get it? Edith: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You!" And I holler back, "Fuck You too'."

[VPI78 11,509]

A boy is trying to sell fish so he screams "Dam fish get your dam fish here" And a pastor walks up and asks "Why are you using bad language" So the boy says he caught them at the local dam. So the pastor buys one and takes it home and tells his wife to "Cook the dam fish!"

She says "I didn't know pastors talked like that so he explained it to her. Later at the table he says to his son "Pass the dam fish" and the son says "That's the spirit now pass the fucking potatoes."

[Bushcraft 2,579]

A customer in a DIY store asks to see a selection of files to make a choice. Confused, he asks what one of them is called. The assistant says: It's a bastard file. Visibly relaxed by this seemingly easygoing tone, the customer says: And what's this fucker here called? 

[Bushcraft 2,579]

The manager in a general store is training a new young recruit in the art of upselling.

He tells him to watch what he does when a customer walks in and asks for a packet of lawn seed. Manager: This seed is really great, you'll have a superb lawn in just weeks. Might be a good idea to buy a lawnmower as well, so that you can take good care of it. Customer: That's a good idea, I don't have one yet, can you show me what you have?

The manager makes the sale, then tells the trainee to try using the upselling technique on the next customer. A guy comes in and asks for a pack of sanitary towels for his girlfriend.

Trainee: Sure, no problem, can I also interest you in a lawn mower?
Customer: Whatever for?
Trainee: Well, your weekend's fucked, so you might as well mow your lawn.