Bar Humor

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[BigusDicus 9,878]

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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and ... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening ... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear ...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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A lawn bowler was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says, "I have some good news and some bad news".

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My bowling is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" Doc "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play bowls again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the local bowls green when he bumped into the surgeon. "G'day mate, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the man. "I'm playing the best bowls of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my draw bowls have really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the bowler, "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the bowler "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

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Gamer theme on this one

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4 FACTS

These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks ... PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Miller, Heineken, Coors, or Budweiser.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

and

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit ... a recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Bogie goes to an outdoor show at the Brisbane Showgrounds and wins a tinnie. He brought it home, and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 Kms of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his tinnie", pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.  If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

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As you know, it was St. Patrick's Day earlier this week, and I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

Well, St. Patrick's Day was a few days ago, and this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine, and then a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was ... well ... slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it for a night on the town, give me a call.

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A German, a Frenchman, and an Englishman go fishing. They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says ... "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says, "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German Weizen appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.

"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says, "Done! And what do you want he asks of the Englishman?"

"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman. "Yes" replies the fish.

"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes."

"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes."

"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

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Vern, a hard working guy bowls one night a week and plays golf every Saturday.

For his birthday his wife takes him to a strip club. The club's doorman says "Hello Vern". The wife says how does he know you? Vern says he's in my bowling league.

They sit at a table and the waitress says "Want your regular Budweiser, Vern?" The wife's eyes get big and Vern explains that she's also the waitress at the golf course and he always gets a Budweiser at the turn.

Then a busty dancer comes up and says "Want your regular nasty lap dance, Vern?" The wife storms out of the club and gets in a taxi. Vern rushes to get in beside her trying to explain. Wife is screaming at him calling him every four letter word she can think of.

The cabby turns around and says "Jesus, Vern, you sure picked out a real bitch tonight"

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