Bar Humor

[Broughton 497]

[VPI78 11,509]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

[Broughton 497]

[VPI78 11,509]

[VPI78 11,509]

Most meaningful conversation between two intelligent men ...

1st Man - I am a man of few words.

2nd Man - I am married too.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,509]

Goldilocks was taking her dog for a walk and met Aunt Jemima returning from Church. "What a charming little girl you are and what a cute little puppy you have." "Thank you," says Goldilocks.

"What's your name?" asks AJ. "My name is Goldilocks," says the little girl.

"That name really suits you and what is your puppy's name?" "His name is Porky," says Goldy.

"Oh, how sweet. Is that because he is such a happy little dog and eats up all his food?"

"No, it's because he fucks pigs."

[VPI78 11,509]

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Abramowitz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Abe had
the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Abe," the mortician said to himself, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Abe is dead!"
 

[bigbadbaz 69]

8 hours ago, jomtienguy said:

Obviously a British thing, safeword Skegness?

[VPI78 11,509]

[VPI78 11,509]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' 

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?’

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?  
 

[VPI78 11,509]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[brotherbuzz 3,206]

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink. After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]