BigusDicus

Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.' 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!' 'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.' The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?' 'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects." On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HJzy3WSYFM

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

QUOTE(BigusDicus @ Nov 22 2008, 03:08 AM) Generally front teeth have two roots. Molars have three roots. 50% more labor and parts. 'parts' was more of a joke Jacko. Actually there is a small filler unit that is sometimes placed in the canal after the root is bored out. Technically a part.....

Generally front teeth have two roots. Molars have three roots. 50% more labor and parts.

I used to reaaly enjoy watching The Lone Ranger! Anybody remember Sky King? Was the daughters name Penny? I used to think she would make a good girlfriend.....

A friend of mine really does work for the Ad Agency that handles the WD40 account. They were filming this when I picked her up for lunch. It was hilarious!

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen "It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers. "Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." Steve Martin. "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers. "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though." Elton John. "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women." Bernard Manning. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen "It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace. "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful" -Robert De Niro "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -Billy Crystal

This will make you smile, especially if you are old enough to remember, Clayton Moore...... AKA "The Lone Ranger". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhB4kDwZu7M

Sam the Bellhop http://www.noob.us/entertainment/awesome-c...am-the-bellhop/

Just shot and produced a very timely short video for WD-40. I would like it to be seen by as many people as possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ42ChFJiaw

Spreading the wealth

Cannibal Dilemma

Thanks to traffic cameras they were able to determine the cause of below accident.

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence. ' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room... 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. . Today you voted."

I stand corrected.

Obviously you were never a young boy with an imaginary friend......

You cannot.

better