BigusDicus

great joke

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbouring lady making passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

Sometimes you just know at first sight

Traffic Jam A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" "About a gallon."

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 X 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airheaded blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody. ' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his widow.

For all dog lovers

Joe joke?

DATING IN 1957 It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!' Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: 'Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!'

I used to stay there occasionally. No joiner fees. Have not been there for at least 3 years. Rooms were dated, a little worn then.

Well it is new to me. Heck I didn't even know who Sarah was. Excellent! This is even better.

Well, I was thinking about posting whether one should wear a condom when doing bargirls in Pattaya.......

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WLG3S5WzHig&feature=related

I have "medical conditions" older than 30.

Italian cork soakers http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/vid....shtml?mea=2794

Sam always wanted a nice big 'Hog,' so he shopped around, answering ads in the newspaper, but didn't have much luck. Finally, on his way to work, he saw a beautiful classic Harley with a 'For Sale' sign. He's amazed to find the bike in mint condition, and rushes to the house to inquire about the price. After the haggling on the price, Sam says, 'This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.' 'Well,' says the seller, 'it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my jar of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.' So Sam buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs Sam's arm. 'Honey,' she says, 'I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' Sam says. And in they go. Sam is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Sam decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. 'Her Mom's kinda cute,' he thinks to himself. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window, and Sam realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: 'All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes!'

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. 'I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM.' Signed, 'The Blonde.' She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. 'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.'

Sometimes we are lucky, sometimes we are not.

I do not think I saw it.

All of you international travelers should be aware of this important warning notice from the government of Mozambique.

hum....

Top Ten Country & Western Songs: 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few. 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'. 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win. 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here. 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him. 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger. 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer. And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.

'Okay, here's the plan:' 1) Back off and allow those men who want to marry men, marry men. 2) Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women. 3) Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies. 4) In four generations, there will be no democrats!!! 'Man, I love it when a plan comes together!'

Is this statutory rape???

The numbers a dropping fast. LA Times this week anounced more cuts. 15% less printed pages and cut several hundred jobs.