BigusDicus

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?' The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?' The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.' And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

Right across 2nd Rd at Soi 13 there is a new mall with a huge shiny new gym.

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now s ome idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent Asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well ... Only two left!'

Very good!

Love it!

Martin, you realize you are "looking a gift hog in the mouth"? Sorry, just could not help myself!

This really works. A friend of mine, talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, & of course, The South Beach Diet. Since she is a nurse, & has done a lot of study & research on dieting, I truly think she has finally found the real answer to weight loss: The Dawn Keye Diet -

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and will no longer finance candidates for President of the United States . And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers. It's getting ugly...........

so true!

I can appreciate your sentiments about Obama. It would seem the press and so many people got caught up in his charisma and charm. Nobody really took a good look at him. Now that the charm is beginning to wear thin he is being examined much more closely. Many are not thrilled with what they see. I wonder if they began the primary process over how well he would do? Quite a corner the libs and democrats have painted themselves into. McCain, a decrepit geezer? My politics tend to lean to the right in most areas. For the most part conservative I have had many problems with McCain over the years. But I have always had tremendous respect for him. US Navy Carrier fighter Pilot. One must be absolutely top drawer in every sense to even have a shot. Only a handful make it. A genuine war hero. Five and one half years in a Vietnamese prisoner camp, beaten, tortured. Offered and early release by his captors when they found out his father was an admiral. He refused and stayed with his men. Agree or disagree with him, he has courage and is a genuine man of honor. Obama versus McCain....jeez, not really a difficult choice. I was not aware there is anything wrong with lobbying for Blackwater? A Nazi pastor? If you look at the mans body of work, he has always been one of Israelis staunchest supports. Has always supported Jewish causes. His comments on Hitler make perfect sense if you read them i their entirety and context. That is a very unfair statement on your part. You know it. OH please! You enjoy Thailand (like most of us) for the abundance and availability of cute promiscuous girls. Not the superior political system

Cool!

SMART BUTT ANSWER #5-- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART BUTT ANSWER #4 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' SMART ANSWER #3 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART BUT T ANSWER #2 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART BUTT ANSWER #1 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.' A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect'.

Here is one of the better ideas. Let's all get behind this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States . The person elected will be the President of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Yuk!

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one,too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?' THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the Limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still has not entered the Limo. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'. 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job!'. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the Limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!', moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his Motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo going 105. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The President?' Cop: 'Bigger.' "So," said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' 'Well', said the Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!'.

Are you serious? Can you think of anything he didn't mess up? Anything he was successful at? He was by far the most incompetent president we have ever had. His behavior today is beyond despicable.

Groan!

Most countries have those types, including the countries where they are not allowed to vote. BTW, I wonder what "type" voted for Jimmy Carter?

Got to have a sense of humor here.....perhaps sometimes, just sometimes we are a tad self-absorbed!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KKS6q-0dwgM

Now that the rainy season in California is over I no longer need these. Of course it is about to begin in Thailand. anybody have a need?

Excellent joke!