BigusDicus

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Redneck Hiring Chart

How to Get Rid of a One Night Stand http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=onenight

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked. At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?', asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.' The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio. When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.

Thank You. I really enjoyed it. Would have been fun to be there. Wonder if he would play Pattaya?

Both good points!

http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/11924/1/

Pete - I also applaud the addition of espresso. Looking forward to trying your wine selections.

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. But the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' The woman calmly looked up at her and said, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'

In a country (Thailand) where a man can get a sex change-including adams apple removal for only $1500 I cannot wonder if this happens more than some of us realize......

The world goes round.....

Big tits & beer. Really is not much of a choice.

Excellent!

There's a lot of advertising but the winner should be this promo at the Doctor's office.

A view from Wisconsin.... Certainly makes sense to me.... "We in Wisconsin cannot figure out why we are even bothering to hold a Presidential election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer...and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a blonde with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here?"

Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate: Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... That, my friends, is Globalization!

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Well then, maybe I'll just g o out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 meter croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out....... "SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?" She replies, "Because I really miss mine."

A master of articulation he is not.

White House Breakfast Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?" ''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and then she storms away. Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

I had a wife like that come to think of it.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She quickly drank the whiskey on the way down, knowing it would shatter and go to waste otherwise, then her parachute opened and she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. "She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi w ith her bare hands." "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

This crash could have been fatal! Thank goodness the airbags deployed!!

Ya gotta see to believe! This is just too weird..... Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the Soviet Red Army had an official choir composed of male soldiers and musicians. It still exists. The Red Army Choir performs throughout Russia to this day. Now consider the Finnish rock band called The Leningrad Cowboys. A little while ago, they held a concert in Russia, in which - to the screaming applause of Russkie teen-agers - they got the Red Army Choir to join them on stage for a performance of "Sweet Home Alabama." In English. You couldn't make this up. http://www.tothepointnews.com/content/view/3114/85/

I agree. You can crop, resize, and do minor touchup. Very easy to use.