atlas2

A good vet could bring that back to life MM! That's all my Steak jokes well done. I actually hardly ever eat beef………. I was however, taken by 'The Boss' and her family last year to a special beef restaurant in Sakon Nakon that they were very proud of. Trays of very thin kobe-like beef... of various cuts were brought out and cooked at the table on a BBQ with knobs of butter………I have to say it was excellent. The only other 'steak moments' that come to mind was my first skewer at Momentoes……. and once I helped get stuck into a whole fillet. It came to the table looking like a loaf of bread……. my host carved slices of it the in the same way you'd cut a crusty farmhouse ……..Must have been roasted.

I changed up 30,000 GB pounds today. They called me from Siam C Bank in Bkk….said the rate was 49.973……. I said ,'Can you do more?' She said, "Not big amount so sorry cannot" I said, 'I old man, need money to pay for, 'Ban pak con chalar'.(Old people's home) Mai me tdang!! she says, 'Cannot' Anyway, after some pleading and complaints from me of, 'the price of viagra and false teeth these days' she relented a little ….she did some sums and we agreed on a whopping 49.978…….Wow!!! But almost 50... Anyway with what I have in the bank here now, that sees me through until August next year. So lads I've cashed in…The price is sure to surge ahead into the 60s. Remember who told you first.

I like it rare….."Take its 'orns off and wipe its arse" I had one last week so rare it helped me eat the salad!!

No I mean whatever the most likely results

I would have thought that the results of the election either way will have already been factored in. I heard recently that the general trend is for the pound to dip after an election….. so now might be a good time. ?? The trend regarding any of my financial advice is that its a safer bet to do the opposite.

Try 'Excaliber AiR' from the Alps Only one aircraft in their fleet……an antiquated BAC 111…..(Good in their day but noisy)……This one looked like it had been a prototype. Delayed because they couldn't get a door shut…….I considered the ramifications!…... I had Margaret Rutherford's granny next-door dropping food on her bosom when she wasn't talking and spitting it at me. The smell of fuel pervaded the cabin apart from the reek competing in the area next to a toilet…..where I was lucky enough to be seated. There was some problem stopping us from reaching a decent cruising height…..(might have been the doors) which meant we were buffeted by turbulence………Then the Captain announced he was making a descent to land at a small, (unknown to me) airfield near the French coast to take on more fuel…(That would be coal I thought to myself). He explained that it was very hot today and were were using more fuel than anticipated. Granny was still stuffing herself………And telling me about the good old days as a suffragette and how she missed being chained to the railings. And 'Wasn't it a shame about the Titanic?' Well with this cheery subject started there was no stopping her…….'Great disasters causing massive loss of life' was her theme and she knew 'em all. Actually she was a very entertaining woman and give her her due had some gumption to travel alone at an age most 'gals' would be in a day chair at a 'Home for the Bemused' Of course, once back in England we were greeted by lightening…But like Margaret next to me, the 111 was a plucky old lady made of the right stuff and we bounced onto the tarmac at Luton without major mishap. Once the door had been crowbarred open I helped Granny disembark……. She said this line, which may have been from a film, but I swear I heard it for the first time that day. As the steward said, 'Goodbye and thank you for flying Excaliber Air'... most were avoiding eye-contact but dear old Granny locked eyes and said, "Thank you young man, but did we land or were we shot-down?"

I don't drink coffee but love the smell…….. I bought one of those things, ( can never remember if its a percolator or infuser or what)... where you put a little water in the base, drop in a container with a couple of spoons of ground coffee …….Screw it tight and stick it on the hob. When the water boils it blasts through the coffee………And gives off a heady, comforting aroma. The coffee tastes like shit………I throw it away. But the smell lingers. I bought it to add authenticity and compliment my sensory enjoyment of the Brazilian World Cup……. Which it did…... in that I quickly awoke from my dreams of an England success……..and could smell the coffee! ……….I just pray they never hold a World Cup in Pakistan!

No.... We were heading in the opposit direction to Soi 6!

I've just been out 'shivering me timbers' in that squall……..which started as we got to Koh-Jin, (about 5 miles passed 'Monkey Island). Four stout and true Englishmen only one who knew anything about sailing….battering down the hatches and facing the elements head on……….I don't know how bad it was here but 18 miles out there it was horizontal rain that blinded you and freezing blasts of air..first time I've shivered in thailand. Spectacular lightening……..I'd forgotten my 1iron to hold aloft…(even God can't hit one of those)…..visibility down to about 30 meters….. and other exaggerated assessments of the danger. But I couldn't have been in better company…... no cursing the captain and festering mutiny. No complaints of any kind. Just jokes, banta and piss taking…….Salt is in the blood for the English you see……..Like queueing. 'Appy St George's Day…….and Rule Britannia!! And fucking glad I'm back

Rain we will have!!

Ikkrang's Nam's the way to go…….. She picked my mate and I up from The Nana just a few minutes late, having driven from Pattaya to collect us. She ignored with a smile all the hotel's bully boy volvo drivers, who told her she, 'Can't park there' and ran into the foyer breathless to make amends. She's dressed in her own girly take on a taxi driver's uniform…….Unflattering to her figure but pink and blue……Short hair and boyish she wais, smiles and puts her sparrow's muscles to immediate use grabbing my mate's big bag….Takes charge and get's us comfortably stowed aboard a large smart and clean ford…….I'd expected bottles of eye-liner and the smell of nail varnish but this was proudly neutral and businesslike. She I think, expected one of us to sit in the front with her, but keen to be seen not to flirt, (or get jealous) my mate and I had decided on both in the back seat while waiting in the foyer. She handles Suk's tricky left turn out of soi 4 to the 'motorway' side of the prevailing traffic……..earning immediate kudos from us both. Once on the toll section….(the correct money at hand I noticed), we sallied forth towards our next port of 'Bonking'…namely Jomtien, without a problem. She hands us both a bottle of water….. A little friendly banta, (she speaks very good english), before talk turned in the back to Chelsea and she put on Elvis's 'Wooden Heart' to soothe the journey for her old and farty customers….While she concentrated on the task in hand namely the 'Nascar' traffic of motorway 7. During the trip I'd noticed her clutching a pillow to her stomach….I'd thought maybe the air-con was set for our comfort, not for hers, or she had her period. When we got to The D'Varee hotel, she saw us straight and then rushed to the loo. I reckoned then that she'd been bursting for a piddle when she'd gotten to The Nana but hadn't wanted to delay us…... Although we'd settled payment we had forgotten to organize my mate's pick up and return to the airport. While he booked himself in to the hotel I found her returning from the 'Restroom' a happy grin of relief lighting up her face. I gave her his date and time. She was unfazed by the 4.00 am pick-up, checked her commitments and confirmed the new booking….. 'Great no early morning drive to the airport and return leg for me' I thought. Her price to/from the airport is 1200 baht….. The pick up from Nana was 1500… Standard stuff. Her driving was steady and at a rate I'd have driven at. I'll be using her in future.

Maybe I was lucky the van was old but had a good air con. Also I'd had this company's vans recommended to me as being driven sensibly by their drivers. However the seat belts just went over the lap and so were pretty useless... A big complaint but the only one I could make.

I'm in Bkk meeting a mate at the airport tonight. We're coming back to Pattaya on Monday to miss all the water..... More at his request than mine. He's only got one good eye and was blinded by powder last year. Anyhow we have a taxi booked for the return Trying out Ikkrang's lady driver.... However yesterday I came up using one if the white vans from Pattaya tai. 10 baht from Jomtien to Pattaya ..... 99 baht for mini van to Victory Monument..... 34 baht sky train to Nana. 143 baht.!! Left Pattaya at 7am in my hotel room 9.15 . That's not a fair price..... How they make money I don't know. Only 5 passengers aboard!!! Amazing Thailand!

OK, I had a quick idea so thought I'd do it now to start things off. Pattaya Talk's Mini Sagas "More than he'd signed up for" The smoke billowing from the rear of the plane, the engine's screaming covering his own. Diving towards the sharp, hard angles of the buildings at the shore's edge. "Hang on!"The pilot climbed out of the dive.. "Smoke off!" he said. In the sky it read."Welcome to Pattaya City."

The Daily Telegraph holds a competition for who can write a story in exactly 50 words. These are called 'Mini Sagas' and some are excellent. Below are examples from 1999. The first won…… And Oh, the title isn't counted in the 50. War And Pieces by Mary Ann Slater "Edge pieces first," he decrees. All others are rounded up, segregated. "Blues into the blue pile, browns into the brown. Do not mix them." My moves are restricted (a tree here, a cloud there), while he attacks the castle. I smuggle a piece into my pocket: the revolution has begun. Runners-up The Price of Freedom by K C Holt (Winner of Second Prize) "I accept," he whispered. "Good," said the General, "then you are reprieved." "Executions begin at dawn, your job is to fit the nooses and push the condemned off the scaffold edge." "Will I wear a hood?" "No," said the General gently, "but your father and your brother will be blindfolded." On-the-Spot Interview With the First Person to Swim the Atlantic, Underwater by Tom Shaw Passing a towel, I begin: "Why?" Goggles removed and welt-framed eyes wincing, he touches it gently to his pallid face. "Underwater my sadness cannot exist. Silent silver jellyfish bear it away, upwards into the infinite, existence and progress simultaneously confirmed." "What now?" He shrugs wearily, then smiles: "A bath?" Olav's Legacy by Keith Horrox Olav had one ambition: that his children's children might know freedom, even riches. "Search again, slave. Find my brooch or die." Olav returned to where he had washed his Lady's jewels: died for his carelessness. Twenty generations on, Oliver's metal detector sang in the field where once a stream flowed. Six Feet Under by Louise Oliver Mother was dying when she met the love of my life. "Dirty shoes," she sighed. "Don't let him get his feet under the table." "Dementia," said my sister and wept when mum missed my wedding. Suddenly our six-year-old squeals beneath the tablecloth: "Daddy's foot is on Auntie's leg!" Highly commended They Were Worried About Her and, Besides, What Would Their Friends Think? by Liz Chapman Alice was an adventurous child who longed to climb trees. Her parents forbade it. Alice was a loving wife who longed to drive a Bugatti. Her husband forbade it. Alice was a lively widow who longed to go ballooning. Her children forbade it. In heaven, Alice sky-dives with the angels. The Gift of Language by James Lark A young man with a sheltered background went into the world to realise that his parents had deliberately taught him only fifty words. Angrily he went back to his parents. "Why just fifty?" he asked, tears in his eyes. "You would only have wasted the others," said his father softly. Second Coming, Second Golgotha by Guy Carter The Messiah returned unobtrusively, performing discreet miracles in out-patient clinics. He preached in slum cafés and recruited twelve dead-beat disciples. "You've got to take your message to the media," Judas urged Him. He acquiesced and was "crucified" on Jerry Springer's "I think I'm Jesus!" programme. Judas pocketed the agent's fee. There are Always Other Senses by Katie Ambler An icy accident deafened and embittered him. Summer flowers and a pretty florist overcame him. Too shy to buy, he left her love-notes impaled upon stolen roses. When fingertips brushed (happy chance), he blushed and tried out his lost voice shamefacedly. "I'm deaf you fool!" she wrote, smiling. Love blossomed. Twice Each Day by Jackie Morant Beautiful brown eyes seek him; animal instincts aroused. Gracefully she waits. This is his time. Now, his longed-for arrival. Together they enter the parlour. Warm hands on her body. His familiar touches, Oh, the desired release. He smiles at her, Satisfaction, Exultation, Joy, Pride, His own highest yielding Friesian. Humid Nights in Southern California by Wendy Haskett My 6'6" neighbour is gardening when Mother sees him. "He's naked," she whispers. "He's a nudist," I whisper back. "Always gardens at sunset." Sweat streaks his copper skin: the sky is the colour of pumpkins. Mother looks rattled. I give her two sherries. Within days she's taking walks at sunset. Cross Dresser by Marjorie Somers Naked, snoring, stinking of vomit he lay on their bed. Muttering to herself, she frantically shredded all his clothes into a bin bag. "Try going out now you drunken slob." She left the house. Walking that night, she met a strange woman lumbering past her wearing an ill-fitting black dress. Burning Ambition by Michelle Basquill (aged 12) Her sullen face was white as salt. Locked in her room as if in jail. Outside the sun was shining. Inside the plain, dull room seemed to close in on her. She wanted to fill it with light, with colour. She wanted excitement. The girl struck the match and smiled. Screen Idol by Roland Kirtley Women everywhere adore me, a love-god in their dreams. But off-screen, off my pedestal, I'm alone again, my glamorous third wife's lawyers claiming millions. Yet once she dreamed of love with me. I too dream, not of beautiful love-goddesses, but of some simple girl who's just as short as me. Tyrannicide 1815-1999 by Martin Aaron We spied his white horse in the distance and a glimpse perhaps of that bicorne hat. "He's in range, sir, shall we fire?" asked a fellow from our battery. "Certainly not," snapped the Duke. His rebuke wounded us, we stood quietly, children filled with shame. We never saw him again. I just thought that during Songkran some of us might have a go…….Makes a break from TV binging!! I'm sure MM won't mind if you post yours on here. I'm off out now……but I'll give it a go this afternoon.

I still like John Wayne's rendition of his script…….. Drawing his colt 45 peacemaker in a flash and pointing it at a steenkin' Mexican with a Zapata mustache and filthy sombrero…… "Get off ya horse and stick ya hands up ya bum" "Cut! ….. Read that line carefully and do it again for us Marion darling" "Ah!….. OK" " Take 2…... Action" John Wayne drawing and pointing gun at Villain……."Get off ya horse….. and stick ya hands up…….ya bum!" Methinks 'Buffalo' trumps my 'Hads'

Teelack said: "I am not drinking to get drunk but I have discovered the joys of watching the Pattaya circus at sunset, motor cycle madness, chatting up the girls on their way to work and just getting a gentle buzz on. IMHO this is a lot better than sitting outside a 7/11" ……………………………………. For me 2 beers and I buzzz…….3 and I ZZZZzzz. Useless I know! This is why I don't socialize with drinkers and why shag at lunchtime.

Lose lose at the moment……..Industry is scared of Labour getting it's hands on the country's credit cards and the Conservatives holding a referendum that walks us out of Europe. This quarter's output was weak. And for that great investment genius atlas…..? I lent a mate 55,000 pounds in chunks, (starting in Jan 2013) of 10,000, and subsequent chunks of 5000 and 40,000 @ 6% on a handshake …..He's sold the house he used it to build and paid me the money back today as I knew he would. I don't quite reach 5,000 pounds in interest. Better than sitting in a bank but as that money was basically from a floating account I would have made more from transferring it here when we were around 53 baht…… My other monies are all tied up so now is the opportunity to do so at 47 baht to the pound. You can see I lose a couple of grand……ce la vie! "If you've got your health and enough money for tomorrow you're a millionaire…….." And I did a mate suffering with prostate cancer a good turn…….Glad he made it!!

Don't worry I haven't heard of either!

Sounds delicious!

You see 'Pull pork' and I'm lost…….. Because I've had to when skiing or on holidays in Europe I can get through a French menu ……..Spanish……Italian…….and at home Indian and Chinese of course…..But I'm amazed how flummoxed I am when it comes to the American food I've heard of in movies. When it actually comes down to it I don't know my grits from my chitterlings……… Rye must be bread right? Pastrami like spam? There's only one way to find out……….Where are the Clampets when you'ra needing them? I'm gonna work maself up an appetite prospecting for gold at Passion next week and mosey on down to this place and see what all the fussing is about. (That wasn't New York accent was it?). I'll order MM's recommendation.

Sorry a senile moment ……….It was 'Jackie Gleason' There was a photo of him and a load of 50's stars in the restaurant. But as we wannabe Yanks say, "Don't sweat it…..old chap"………..I was looking up Gleason……He died from colon cancer! However I shall try your suggestion………but sounds like I have to do it on a day when I've skipped breakfast.

OK I don't know anything about these American sandwiches …………In New York somewhere I had something called after 'Jackie mason'. Could have fed a family of 4…….I had to take it apart and eat it in sections………. What would be a good 'entry-level' sandwich to try? I pass this place every morning on my way to and from 'Fitz' at Royal Cliff.

Seen it before but still loved it..... What is the speed of dark? 555555

I've found the dentist I visit here to be excellent. All my son's dental work, since he was 7 has been carried out at the same Dentists in Pattaya Tai. "Can I see the dentist please?" "Oh, can you wait?" "How long?" "Five minutes OK?"