sinbinjack

I am even more boring as my fine was only £245.50.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" " The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful' One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' A man is driving across the moors early on a winter morning when he runs out of fuel. Looking around he notices a farm with lights on about 1 mile away, so walks down the track and knocks on the door. He waits, but no-one answers. There is a window through which light is spilling nearby so he moves across and looks in. Directly across the room he sees a middle aged lady with her shirt open, hefting a breast in each hand. Off to his left he sees a man with his trousers around his ankles masturbating while holding an open umbrella over his head. Somewhat shocked at this behaviour, and deciding not to interfere in what he assumes to be some strange sexual ritual, he looks around and notices another farm further along which also has a light showing. Walking to the second farm the stranded motorist has more luck and the farmer offers to give him a gallon of fuel to get going again. As they walk back to his car the farmer asks him why he did not stop at the first farm to ask for assistance. In an embarrassed voice the motorist describes what he saw. "Oh that's just Jim and Joan trying to communicate." the farmer informs him. "They are both deaf and dumb, and have invented their own sign language." "Do you know what they were saying?" asks the curious motorist. "Oh sure." replied the farmer. "Joan was saying 'Isn't it about time you milked the cows?' and Jim was replying 'Fuck off! It's raining!'"

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

Even at your revised rate you will still have to budget for 2/3000 baht for electricity(depending on how much you use it) as that is AFAIK never free no matter how much per month you are paying. You will also be paying for water which can be anything that the landlord asks but normaly about 250 baht a month.As cheap charlie I like my rent cheap but usualy am happy with rent and utilities that come under 11,000 baht a month and on soi Buakhow.

Are not immigrants expected to go to either Croyden or Liverpool when they need to do any thing about thier status whilst in the UK and I dont believe it is any different in other countries of the EU.Sauce for the goose.

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds". Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely". Jacob": Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... The works!" Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely". Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

Nonsense,the proper way to deal with offenders and reoffenders is to lock them up or kill them and in the case of the death penalty there has never been a case of reoffending whilst those locked up don't seem to rob my house whilst they are locked up. What you refer to is the recidivism that you get when you let the thugs and thieves out of prison after totaly unsuitable terms of imprisonment and much to good surroundings which in no way make the offenders want to stay out of prison.

The above flights can be found on the special offers page of Netflights for flights leaving on some dates in Febuary and March with return dates in March,April, May, June and July. Hope this is of some help to someone(http://e.netflights.com/a/hBJbgPWAXR1aPB7bcGXALXNMkfu/link3)

I AM NOT GAY,honest.

For some crimes,premeditated murder,killing children ,I am all for the death penalty.I know that some "innocent "people have been hanged but I think that more people have been killed by those murderers who have been let loose after serving totally inadequate sentances. In the UK we seem to think that letting the criminals get away with it (community service and the like)is the way to stop them commiting crime but the facts are that crime is on the rise ,some crimes are supposedly on the decrease but there are a lot of crimes that go unreported today as the victims feel that it is not worth while when the little darlings get no more than a slap on the wrist and a good telling off. IMHO if we do not punish those who break the law more severely than we seem to do at present we will become an even more lawless world.

The place is not finished and the units cant be owned "legally"by a Brit and they want the full price up front, I don't understand why more people havn't been thinking SCAM like me.

One of he funniest things I have ever read.

Do you perhaps mean native Americans or Indians from the Asian Sub Continent? I personaly think they should all wear a big hat and boots and tell anyone who asks that they are Cowboys, who the fuck can argue with a Cowboy.

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations... "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" "I would not allow this employee to breed" "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be" "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet" "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together" "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" "I would like to go hunting with him sometime" "He's been working with glue too much" "He would argue with a signpost" "He has knack for making strangers immediately" "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one" "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens" "A prime candidate for natural deselection" "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week" "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" "One neuron short of a synapse" "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" -------------------------------------- Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny. ----------------------------------------- A jewish family in Germany was looking for a home for their paternal grandfather so they left him in a retirement home regardless of their possible intolerance toward jews. One day the father visited the retirement home and asked his father: "Dad are you being treated nicely here?" The grandfather answered: "Son we all feel so young, there's a retired musician who hasn't played for 20 years but we all call him mystro, there's a retired teacher here who hasn't taught for 20 years but we all call him schuler and I haven't been with a woman ever since your mother died but they still call me a fucking jew." --------------------------------------------- an old man hobbles into the confessional. The priest slides open the panel and the old man says, 'I'm 84 years old. I just picked up two teenaged girls hitchhiking, took them to a motel room, and made love to both of them. Twice.' The priest says, 'Well, are you sorry for your sins?' 'What sins?' says the old man. 'What sins???' remarks the priest incredulously, 'What kind of Catholic are you?' 'I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish,' says the old man. 'Well then, why are you telling ME all this?' asks the priest. 'I'm telling EVERYONE.' says the old man. --------------------------------------------------------- The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running..." -------------------------------------------Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." ----------------------

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it !) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig..) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) HOPE THAT HAS BROUGHT A SMILE TO YOUR FACE (and God love that pig!)

I got 6 right but I think it should be 8 as i am sure Panama hats are made in the UK as well as elsewhere,and I was always under the impression that Camel hair comes from goats.

I might be an old cynic but I recon this is either a wind up or the OP is a nut job .who in thier right mind would ask such a question,a thief who needs to keep the existence of the money from all authorities or a husband trying to hide his assets from a wife ,it makes no difference as he is asking strangers to help him ,strangers who only find the question laughable.

I'm not laughing ,and this is supposed to be the funnies section.

In addition to the leagues there are also 3 other venues where you can just turn up and play. 1. on Tuesday nights at 2100hrs ,The Bowling Green just opposite the Excite disco 2. on thursday night at 2100 hrs The Sportsmans bar in soi 13.(free pie and chips at the end of the quiz) 3.on friday nights at 2000 hrs The Caddy Shack in soi 17 (next door to what was the Harley bar These are all free to enter. there was as you say more venues in years past but many have just stopped the practice. There may be others but I don't know of them so turn just up and enjoy.

I just got a mail from Net flights with this offer ,I have no info other than the email ,the phone number is 0844 493 1232.hope it helps someone. From: London Heathrow To: Bangkok Departures between: 11 Sep 2008 To: 15 Oct 2008 Class: Economy Airline: Etihad Adult Price: £399

found what I was looking for

I stayed in a 28 meter sq room for 3 months this year and , it was small,in the past I stayed in a 32 meter sq room for the same length of time and it was adequate.anything under 28 sq would in my opinion be SMALL.

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was ' Political Correctness '. The winner wrote: 'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

You can try fishing of the commercial fishing pier that is just off soi 14 naklua rd(I think),its the same soi as the sanctuary of truth and also has some sea food places there as well. I find that the fishing is pretty poor no matter where you fish in Pattaya but a good day out can be had if you get the right boat and the right companions. A heavy set of gear is not required in Pattaya and the lightweight tackle that (most of) the boats provide is more than adequate .

Hi All, I looked at the Tycoon this year while I was on holiday and found the noise of some disco or other was so loud that even in the rooms at the back of the hotel I thought that the music was to loud even with the door closed . I also think that the small room shown to me was way to small for any length of stay more than a week, the pool is also very small and of no real use to anyone who actually wants to swim .