PattayaPete

Baby Drinks: Congratulations to Alan Ladd, the owner of the Living Dolls ogling den (Walking Street), whose trouble-and-strife gave birth to a healthy baby boy towards the end of September. To celebrate, a party will take place on Wednesday 2 November at the bar with free draught amber available from 8:00 until 10:00PM. The den is once more giving away a free motorbike (Honda Wave) with imbibers receiving a ticket for every thirst-quencher purchased in the den between now and the draw on Tuesday 15 November. The 300 baht bar fine for the last hour of the night is still in vogue and Alan Ladd says he expects it to continue for the next few months. I haven’t asked whether it’s proved a worthwhile move, although I suspect it has during the low season when a lot of customers are either local expats or long-termers working within a budget. Party Time: Break out your best lederhosen all you Bavarian balloon chasers, the Susi boozer and occasional lying-in facility (Naklua Road) will be celebrating 10 years of dispensing alcohol to the thirsty burghers of Germantown with a party on Sunday evening 6 November. Plenty of pork knuckle and bratwurst should be available to help imbibers soak up the steins of frothy lager and the occasional liver-destroying shots supplied by the bar. Kick off is 8:00PM. Everybody’s Doin’ It: Happy hours in most ogling dens along Walking Street have a consistent theme that retros my brain into thinking about the question posed in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy asking what is the meaning of life. The answer was 42; whereas the number in the case of the Walking Street dens is 45. I’m talking of course about the price of draught amber fluid in places such as Heaven Above, Diamond, New Star, The Sea, Shark Club, Highway Star, Peppermint, Happy, Carousel and the list goes on. It’s probably easier to note the number of dens that don’t offer 45 baht for draught than those which do. In some cases, the 45 baht for draught amber continues all night, making it possible for those interested in expanding their waistlines without destroying their budgets to imbibe for hours and hours in air-conditioned comfort while enjoying the best eye candy in the Kingdom. I make mention of this because I recently spent one night in Bangkok -there’s a song in that somewhere- with a friend who was visiting for the first time from Australia. He had spent a few evenings in Pattaya, especially enjoying Club Electric Blue and Carousel, so when we wandered into the Rainbow 4 ogling den in Nana Plaza, his reaction to the damsels of the City of Angels was interesting. Rainbow 4 is on the site of the former Woodstock boozer and noshery and is the Plaza equivalent, in size anyway, to Peppermint in Fun Town. In my opinion, and that of my friend, it rates very poorly when compared with Pattaya dens. There were plenty of chrome pole huggers, some attractive (as you would hope), but nothing outstanding or superior to what’s on display down here. The music was standard car alarm and, as with almost all Bangkok dens, the clutch of dancers on stage remain in the same position throughout their set, unlike Pattaya where they move down a pole or two after each song, thus giving punters a good look at the talent on show. With libations overpriced at between 110 and 120 baht and not an exposed mammary gland in sight it’s perhaps no surprise so many Bangkokians make the trek to Fun Town for their weekend jollies. Apart from that, Nana Plaza looks like a dump and no amount of fairy lights seems able to spruce up the place. Not Quite Indian Cuisine: I was recently pointed in the direction of a feed at the Neeroy’s noshery (Soi Chaiyapoom), located opposite the popular Crazy Dave’s munching shack, and told the fish and chips was worth the 99 baht impost. The joint doesn’t open until the early afternoon and promotes itself as offering typical Bradford-style Indian gut fillers: Vindaloo, Chicken Tikka Masala and the like. I have no idea what Bradford-style Indian nosh looks or tastes like, but I will say the fish and chips are indeed great value, good tasting, and filling. Definitely worth placing on your list of good eats at fair prices. Still Looking for Scalps: Two places I know of in Fun Town offering more risqué and unusual forms of entertainment involving females and an assortment of devices and creatures ranging from darts, candles, razor blades, goldfish, amphibians, and small Eurasian rodents are Top Girls (Soi 14, off Walking Street) and Coconut Grove (South Pattaya Road, near Soi Rungland). Both joints are aimed at fleecing those who are bored with watching standard chrome pole huggers, table dancers, Les-be-friends shows and the like. Top Girls (or Ghouls as I prefer to call it) has touts on Walking Street and, if you pretend to be a gullible tourist, will try and relieve you of a 300 baht entry fee (that includes a free drink). Otherwise it’s 200 baht (and a free libation). Coconut Grove wants 800 baht for you to enter its portals (includes a free libation) and they claim they have ‘live’ fornication shows. Suppose it’s better than ‘dead’ shows. In reality, I’m told it’s just a series of the usual clutch of unattractive damsels removing everything bar a som dtam pestle from their nether regions under the goggledeyed gaze of north Asian ‘quality’ tourists. A Friendly Bunch: In terms of size it’s one of the smallest in Walking Street, but the New Star ogling den (Soi Diamond) plays good rock & roll music, has amber draught all night at 45 baht, with liver wasters 95 baht. The numbers and visual quality of dancers is not impressive but they’re a friendly lot and would suit those who may be intimidated by the legends in their own g-strings who hug the chrome poles in more popular joints. Changes in the Architec- ture: The police box at the end of Beach Road, at the entrance to Walking Street, has been demolished (although I don’t think any somnolent peelers were inside at the time). Further into the street of excess, the Star Music easy-listening and watch-the-passing-parade venue has also been turned into a pile of rubble. Jackhammers and hammers and chisels are now the sounds greeting the ears of passers-by. The Sharky’s live music venue, near the entrance of Walking Street, has changed its name to Zab Café. I don’t know if the ownership remains the same. Further afield, Soi Chaiyapoom is once more experiencing a resurgence in openings of boozers and nosheries. The Barbie hide-the-salami den was closed for a time after the previous owner lost his staff; it’s now been sold and a new man has taken up the cudgels. Whiskers, The Asylum, Texxan Inn, Crazy Dave’s, Maggie May, The Bunker, Seaside 2 and the nicely-revamped Pim beer boozer are all well-established in the soi and seem to have a solid and regular clientele. CJ’s is a late night boogie barn style of operation, but appears out of place in Soi Chaiyapoom. It looks quite nicely appointed from the outside and when I wandered aimlessly past there were a couple of attractive lasses warming their butts on seats, but a sign out front offering booze at 99 baht turned me off a closer inspection. Walking Street prices out in the sticks and what was really on offer: just a clean, neat bar to prop yourself against while slaking your thirst. Maybe it gets going later in the evening. It looks as though the people who ploughed money into The Market complex down on Second Road, just past Soi 6, have done their dough with the area being bulldozed into a neat pile of used concrete and metal. This includes the Model Club, a show den aimed squarely at attracting the north Asian ‘quality’ tourists. Solitary Man: In a town full of women available for all kinds of physical relief you might wonder why a foreigner would be sitting in the front seat of a jeep for rent on Second Road at 2:30AM engaging in a solitary onanistic experience. According to a friend of mine who happened to be out at that late hour he was surprised to be confronted with just such a situation: a foreigner with a firm grip on himself, whipping the dripping to such an extent he was oblivious of his surroundings. One can only wonder what the cleaner must have thought when she fronted for work the next day and was faced with the result of this guy’s exertions. One wonders if the man had indulged in a little blue pill of happiness but then been frustrated in his attempts to find an accommodating outlet for all his pent up energies. The story put me in mind of the following comment: “Many mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret vice, or self-abuse among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, paleness, nervousness and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?” The man who uttered those words was one Dr. J.H. Kellogg, the very man who marketed cereal to the world (not sure if he liked cream on his Corn Flakes). Piece of Pith: Depression is merely anger without enthu-siasm.

Six Good Years and Top Ranking: The Diamond Gogo (Soi Diamond) will be celebrating six years of chrome pole molestation with a party on Wednesday 19 October. As usual with these events, an overfed porker will meet its maker and be offered as free grub to well-wishers. I'm told a Bangkok-based website ( www.nanaplaza.com ) asked its registered users to list the best Gogos in the City of Angels and the Town of Tarts and, apparently, the Diamond chrome pole palace has been voted number one, not just down here in Fun Town but overall. It's a pretty high accolade and one, I know, surprises (but pleases) the owners and management of the den. The next in-house dancing contest will take place on Sunday evening 23 October with around 12,000 baht in prize-money on offer. There will also be a Halloween Party on Monday evening 31 October to round out what will be one of the dens' busiest months. Two Years on Bikes: The Nagas Motorcycle Club will be holding their second anniversary in the Beretta beer boozer in Sri Racha on Friday 28 October with free nosh and draught amber fluid. For those interested in attending further information can be obtained by contacting Martin on 09 9909342 or Bert on 01 8214293. Fourteen Years On and Back in the Swing: Congratulations are definitely in order for the Carousel chrome pole palace (Soi Diamond) which celebrated its fourteenth anniversary with a slap-bang booze up on Sunday 9 October. Carousel has always been one of my favourite temples of the chrome pole but seemed to have lost its way in recent times with a collection of dancers who could recall when mobile phones were the size of house bricks. Happily, the new regime has recruited a veritable plethora of superb dancing talent, so much so I now think the place rates once more in the top 10 in Fun Town. The music is still variable, although more often listenable than not; draught beer is on tap all night at 45 baht and lady drinks are sensible at 95 baht. What is really outstanding are the shows: good lighting and different ideas; the offering from the Lickem-on-Toppe school of darting tongues is classic and what the ?virgin' in the vampire show does with a crucifix would make a nun blush. A Tight Beaver: The Andy and Andy Collective Collaboration Team opened their joint venture, the appropriately-named Beavers table dancing den on Walking Street on Saturday night 8 October. Libations are reasonable with draught amber at 45 baht all night and house liver wasters and bottled amber nectar at 95 baht. In fact, there are plenty of signs on the wall mirrors indicating the prices of drinks. The place is narrow and therefore punters wind up being very up close and personal with the dancers; so much so it's not hard to start thinking of dimples and clams, and not necessarily in that order. If you like Beach Club (Soi 15) then Beavers should also appeal. What's That? Since a part of the dog-leg soi 15 became a building site, business seems to have slackened in the What's Up Gogo and management are now offering 45 draught amber all night as well as 89 baht for house liver wasters, including, according to the sign outside the joint: Vadka, Bagardi, Wisky, and Taquila ( sic ). The place is definitely worth a libation or two, although the clearly deaf DJ plays the music in the den at aircraft-take-off levels, so much so I have more than once encountered people not prepared to go in because they have more respect for their ear drums. It's a pity because most of the damsels are friendly enough and quite a few are easy on the eye. Another One Bites the Pillow: Down in benighted Pattayaland Soi 2 yet another Gogo has disappeared from the radar -at least as far as the distaff side of the bed is concerned- with the changing of Wild West Girls into Wild West Boys. This reduces the number of chrome pole palaces in the soi from a high of 10 some five years ago to just six as we enter the high season of 2005. In the adjoining soi -gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1- the 2XS Gogo has finally, and not surprisingly, closed its doors. For a long time the sleeping palace next door, owned by the same interests, has apparently been propping up the chrome pole palace but critical mass must have been reached and the hard decision finally made to cut their losses. Not Before Time: Soi 7's only chrome pole palace, Goldfingers, was closed in the last week of September to undergo much-needed renovations. The place has managed to keep operating through a couple of tricky low season's but had that tired and care-worn look so many boozers wear after a few years. A good hammering and chiselling allied to a couple of coats of paint should brighten the place up considerably in time for the next high season and the rewards, hopefully, will come the way of the owners. Be Wary of Damsels and Drinks: A friend recently had a nasty surprise waiting for him when he went to pay his bill at the Club Electric Blue Gogo (Walking Street). After chatting with a delectable damsel for whom he had purchased a lady drink, he was then stung with a 150 baht impost for the said libation. Surprised, he pointed out a sign in the den referring to lady drinks at 90 baht. Ah, she replied. Only happy hour. I checked and, not surprisingly, lady drinks are 95 baht, all night. Policy in the den is a serving wench is supposed to check with the punter offering the libation that he indeed wishes to lash out on the more expensive thirst quencher. I know this sort of wallet snipping is not confined to Club Electric Blue. Management of a number of dens offer two types of lady drinks. There's the standard glass of lolly water or maybe a belt of Mekhong and Coke for the average 90-95 baht; then there's the Bacardi Breezer/Cocktail, generally ordered by a brigade of guzzlers who know precisely what they're doing. (Oh, small money for you, is the usual refrain; don't even think of using the word principle' as a rejoinder). What tends to happen is a starry-eyed punter full of unrelieved tension and a wallet-load of personality will offer a dame of the chrome pole a lady drink and she will order the more expensive of the choices available to her. Suppose you can't blame her for trying it on, unfortunately it's a case of short-term gain, long-term loss for both the damsel and, often, the bar concerned as the stung punter decides to scratch the place from his list of preferred drinking establishments. Winning Roll of the Dice: If early indications are anything to go by then the Casino Club head-banging emporium (Soi Diamond) looks like it's a winner. Management took an early view they would not have any form of happy hour but would rely on offering a good time at reasonable prices. All bottled amber (there's no draught) and house liver wasters are 95 baht as are lady drinks. Sensibly, the music is now loud without being ear-splitting so punters can at least have a conversation. The overall vibe is good and friendly and the place seems to be proving an alternative venue to Tony's, Lucifer's and Marine although it's probably more suited to pairs than single guys out on the prowl for a one-nighter. Watch for Don Quixote: What will be the 40th Gogo on Walking Street, the Windmill chrome pole palace will be opening soon in Soi Diamond on the site of a former Swiss nosh house. I understand it will be in the same interests as those who run the Coyotee's den in Soi Marina Plaza. Guide me In: Yet another free advertising-driven publication has hit the streets of Pattaya and, before you start groaning, I have to say this is easily the most impressive debut production I have seen in a long time. Named, simply, The Pattaya Guide, it is designed to be a bi-monthly product with the first issue covering the period 1 September to 31 October. The Pattaya Guide is pocket-sized, the cover features a decent view of Pattaya and the bay from the southern lookout, and the internal design is beautifully laid out. The Guide covers Activities, Entertainment, Health & Beauty, Shopping, and Miscellaneous, all colour-coded to make it easy to flick through its 66-pages. Among the advertisers are the Tequila Reef Mexican (incidentally, now with a greatly improved level of quality and filling nosh), Mata Hari international, and La Piola Italian nosheries; Blues Factory and Moon River Pub live music venues; Universe Gym, Bowling Plus, Bowling Green, Harold's Driving Range and sundry scuba diving shops; Boutique Sexy and a number of other worthwhile and reputable businesses. According to the information on the inside cover it is produced by a mob called Thompson Marketing Services. There was no website but the email address is: thepattayaguide@yahoo.co.th I picked up my copy in Tequila Reef (Soi 7) and assume the publication is being distributed through all their advertisers and would hope it's available in hotels and the like. If the publishers maintain the standard in up-coming issues they stand a strong chance of being around for many years. Piece of Pith: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin' and keep away from children'.

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Yep, it's a good idea. Lots of choices depending on what you like. Here's a few suggestions to look up further - working north to south. Golden Triangle - Chaing Mai - Chaing Rai. Great for culture- visit Myanmar or Laos, nice mountain scenery. Sukathai - for ancient ruins. Petchabon. Quiet, nice mountains and national park. Nong Kai - Udon - Khon Kaen. See where all those bar girls come from - friendly people - the true heart of Thailand. Kanchanaburi. Beautiful place. Bridge over the River Kwai - interesting WW2 history Bangkok and Pattaya you know. Koh Samui - Koh Pan Gan. Hip islands for the backpacker - rave - youth set. Check out a full moon party. Phuket - Krabi. Nice islands for the more mature traveller.

Well a search on Jomtien Map finds your post OK It would seem that phrase has not appeared before which is why you were getting an error. If you are looking for the Jomtien Map on Pattaya Pages it is here Jomtien Map As Pattaya Pages is a different site it is not included in searches here.

Irish Eyes Are Thai-tinged: Warmest congratulations to Deadly Derek, mine host of The Clinic couch-potatoes sports emporium (Soi Yamato), and his long-suffering colleen Khun Oi, who produced a son (named Ryan) on 19 September. Delusional Derek somehow thinks the lad will grow up to captain the Irish Rugby Union team to World Cup glory around 2026. Methinks Derek’s been hitting the Guinness a tad heavily; more likely young Ryan will become the great white hope of Muay Thai or takraw. Given the continuing problems with supplies of H2O to various areas around Fun Town, Deadly Derek, is offering regular customers who may be without the precious liquid to come and use his shower facilities free of charge. The boozer will even supply the towels and soap, the latter optional for Poms of course. Born to Run a Bar: A birthday party for Rambling Ricky will be held on Sunday 9 October in the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond). The usual unfortunate pig will meet its maker and balloon companies will reap handsome rewards as a large number of their products are first inflated and then pricked (if you’ll pardon the expression). All regulars welcome. Looks Like Clams: The in-house dirty dancing contest held in the revamped Club Electric Blue ogling den (Walking Street) on 10 September proved a reasonable success in what remains a large venue to try and fill. Sixteen dancers were given a chance at snaring a share of 10,000 baht in prize money (5,000 baht for first, 3,000 baht second and 2,000 baht for third). One failed to make it anywhere near the stage after over -imbibing in tequila, but the remaining 15 gave it their best shot and the judges scores at the end saw just three points separating first and third. While they were doing their best, the dancers upstairs were doing their usual nightly chrome pole shuffle and a quick look around the room made me think it would not be inappropriate to re-name the joint Club Exposed Bush (and I’m not referring to the current White House ncumbent). Apparently Club Electric Blue is the only den in Fun Town with Jagermeister on tap. It looks like sump oil and tastes…well, the word ‘acquired’ comes to mind. Smells of Dead Fish: Six table dancers of varying shapes and sizes scattered about the room and a lack of vibrancy were enough to stop me bothering to take a seat in the Shark Club (upstairs, Soi Diamond) on a recent visit. Though the place offers draught amber all night at 45 baht, standard liver wasters run to 105 baht (no value for money at all) and bottled nectar to 95 baht. There are better table dancing operations around town at present if staring at uncovered beaver is your fetish. Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves: One partner thought Legs was a good name; the other considered Tramps to be appropriate. Finally, after a few jars of something alcoholic they compromised and went away from two-legged, human cognomens and decided Beavers would be the new name for the ogling den that should be open for business by the time this missive makes it into print. Look for Fun Town’s latest ogling den at the Beach Road end of Walking Street. Chew On This: Some booze bar operators possess an interesting, if somewhat warped, sense of humour and the re-naming of the Absolute boozer in Soi Yamato to Mee Chew is a case in point. To my distinctly warped mind there are two ways of interpreting the new cognomen. First, and perhaps most obvious (at least to genuinely sick minds such as yours truly), it may be attributed to the sorts of activities engaged in by some members of the employed staff when a customer offers to pay a bar fine and escort said employee either upstairs or out of doors for an organ recital. Second, and more mundanely although nonetheless inventive, the new name could be a variation on the Thinglish phrase “Miss you”, as in, “Oh teeluck ja, chun mee chew too mutt.” Of course this translates into English as, “Oh my sweet darling, I miss you so much.” In real Thai it is, “Perfect timing sucker, I was just beginning to wonder where the next blasted bar fine was coming from. ”You’re Opening a What? Apparently the La Carina boozer (Soi Yamato) has been completely refurbished and turned into a late night boogie barn with the name Club 131 (a subtle reference to the official number of the soi: 13/1). Rumour suggests the thirst-quenchers in the joint will be priced at 131 baht, not cheap. I hate pouring embalming fluid on the grand plans of people who think they have a new concept/idea and want to bring it to the denizens of Fun Town, but I can’t quite see how a night-club is going to work in the relative wilds of Soi Yamato. Late night boogie barns have been tried a couple of times without success in Soi 8 and also opposite Soi Zero. The main difficulty is in attracting enough of the late night revelling brigade away from the fleshpots of Walking Street. Sure, X-Zyte (Third Road) and Hollywood (off South Pattaya Road) and the old Boom (Soi Pratamnak) are, or were, pretty successful, but they attract more local faces than foreign; the latter are mere icing for an already abundant cake. It’s Worse Than I Thought: In this column recently I noted the price of libations and private dances being offered in the Galaxy Cabaret white-flesh den (Walking Street). Seems I may have been wrong about the price levels: I was too low. An e-mail from a reader noted, ‘Some Thai friends took me there…around 11PM. All drinks (soft and hard) were 400 baht…And the little ‘menu’ on every table said at the bottom: private time with a girl starts from 250 US$.’ A private dance for around 10,000 baht; the dancer would want to be the most sensational in the history of soft-shoe shuffling to be worth anything near that figure. Do people really pay for these things? My e-mailer said the dancers ‘are trained and very good (while dancing).’ He then said they would dance for only one or two songs before coming around to collect tips ‘showing you where to put your money and not saying anything. Unless you refuse to tip. Then you might hear something! Either…in hard Russian or in clear English: “what are you doing here if you have no money?”’ I think I’ll leave the place for the north Asian herd (the quality tourists Fearless Leader is now attracting; good to see the money going into local pockets…not) and well-heeled camel jockeys. Wealth Warning: A warning to travellers on Baht Buses, this time not with regards to the two-tiered pricing system of the operators, but to the potential for wallet theft of foreigners sitting up close and personal with locals taking the same mode of public transport. It’s happened three times that I’m aware of to three friends of mine, one of whom mentioned two other people he knows it has happened to, so I figure it’s bound to have occurred to many others as well. The ploy works something like this. A person of indeterminate gender, a short plump girl in her twenties, a child aged around 10 and her mother, aged in her thirties will either board or already be riding a baht bus. They might sound like the ensemble line-up of a bad movie, but the trick is simple. The mother makes sure she sits as close to the intended victim as possible, as does the katoey. The child then begins playfully bouncing around the victim’s legs and knees while the plump girl engages the person in conversation. Distracted by the chattering girl and leery of the katoey, the victim may not be aware his pocket is being well and truly picked. Two of the three intended victims who are known to me had their pockets picked but were able to recover their wallets before the gang had time to make any escape. In the first instance the katoey legged it, was chased by the victim and ran into the waiting arms of undercover police. In the second case the victim prevented any of the gang exiting the baht bus and found his wallet on the seat. The driver then took off before police could be summoned. The question is whether the driver of the baht bus is also in on the act. The only way to determine this, of course, is for passengers to take careful note of the number of the baht bus they are on at any time. I do this routinely, in case there are problems later. Great Potential Business: Thinking you’d like to stay in Fun Town and make your fortune. Well, a new clutch of beer boozers is being constructed on Second Road at the corner of Soi 4, not far from Big C. Get in now to avail yourself of this ground floor opportunity. If you do miss out, then there’s room down in Soi 6/1, running right alongside the famous Soi 6, for a booze bar. At last count only one person had taken up the cudgels to run a joint, so with high season rushing headlong towards us, now is your chance. Contact Pie-in-the-Sky Realty for more information about turning your dreams into nightmares. Piece of Pith: I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Maybe magic but my guess is - he sent you the message as a member (allowed to send PMs) then changed his email address (which moved him to the validating category (can not send PMs) and so far has failed to validate his new email (so still can not send or receive PMs) Nothing to do with Harry Potter

Dancing for Dollars: Big Andy has decided one of the better ways to draw punters through the doors of the newly revamped Club Electric Blue gogo( Walking Street ) is to run an in-house dance contest on Saturday evening 10 September, kicking off around 9:30PM. One of the problems bar owners find with running dance contests in one gogo while trying to involve the operators and dancing maidens of other establishments is that if the home team walks away with the thick end of the prize money the others think the fix was in'. After a while the damsels from other dens become increasingly reluctant to appear. This is one of the reasons why the Diamond chrome pole palace decided to only host in-house contests. They are easier to organise and are still competitive. The new layout in CEB seems to be working and most nights there are around 50 or so dancing damsels cavorting about the place in various grades of attire. Upstairs is the beaver lounge' where customers can clearly see who shaves and who doesn't. Taking a leaf out of Peppermint's successful and popular innovation, the lasses serving drinks behind the bar seem to have all misplaced their tops. Close to the Best in Fun Town: What is the mix required to take an agogo into the ranks of the top ten or so places to go in Pattaya? First, a good collection of attractive and friendly chrome pole huggers. Second, good music, or at least material that suits the joint in question. Third, reasonably priced libations. Although it falls slightly short on the third count, the Heaven Above gogo (upstairs in Soi Diamond) has improved out of sight in recent weeks and, in my humble opinion, now ranks very close to the best g-string-for-g-string chrome pole palace in the resort. I know one thing for certain: they have the best-looking set of serving wenches and hostesses in town. The dancers range across the spectrum from tall and lean to short and fulsome and everything in between. In other words, there's a dancer to suit every possible taste. The girls vary in dress, or lack thereof, for the stage. Some are in the stock standard g-strings, others in short skirts, still others in skirt, blouse and jacket. It seems everyone has a turn on the stage at some point over and hour or so; for all I know even the cleaner gets a run, sans mop and bucket. The music, initially good when the place first opened its doors only to lose its way for a time, is now well and truly back on track and suits the place. The damsels are, in the main, a friendly bunch (yes, some will hit you up for a thirst quencher within thirty seconds of grabbing your knee-cap), and the vibe when I wandered in around 10:00PM on a Friday evening was very good. I hope management will be able to maintain this buzz for some time to come. We Are Number One: Is this the friendliest gogo in the environs of Fun Town? We Are No 1 (Thappraya Road, Jomtien) may not have the best chrome pole molesters in the joint, but they are great fun. The most notable aspect of the chrome pole huggers in the place was, apart from the fact they are friendly, none asked for a drink. This must surely be a first in the history of ogling dens in Thailand. The joint opens at 2:30PM and bats on until 1:00AM offering draught amber at 65 baht, lolly water 75 baht and liver wasters 95 baht. There's a double screen TV showing good music videos and for those who get too excited by all the attention from the dancers, a good lie down and organ recital can be had upstairs for a total of 800 baht. Thai Logic 101: Hoping to cash in on the lack of tourists (think about it), the New Player gogo (second floor of Soi Diamond) re-opened on 1 August (horses' birthday in the southern hemisphere). It failed as a chrome pole palace when first opened back in December (high season) when it was known as the Roof and, on my only visit so far, the second attempt doesn't look too promising either. The place is nicely furbished, clean and fresh, and has a small pool table to entertain those bored with looking at the five dancers on stage, dressed in black PVC style uniforms. The music varies between awful and average and the prices for libations just don't make any sense. Liver wasters run to 120 baht, lady drinks are 100 baht, but draught amber fluid is 55 baht all night. The logic, if that's the word, seems to be to draw in the punters who want to sample the relatively cheap draught amber. The problem with this is there are at least 10 better quality ogling dens offering cheaper draught nectar all night. Of those places snipping punters who prefer the harder liquor for 100 plus baht, again there are at least half a dozen or more that rank way above New Player. As for the quality of the chrome pole huggers, let's just say no more than three stood out in any way. Cop an' Earful of This: Fun Town is finally coming of age in another media medium with the recent launch of an English-language radio station dedicated to broadcasting about the resort: FM TRS on frequency 102.95. Run by Anna- one of Pattaya's better known media personalities- the station operates from 6:00AM until midnight with plans to go 24-hours, seven-days a week as soon as possible. Apart from music and the usual local news there are interviews with local ex-pats and professionals. No Booze for Youse: Fearless Leader will no doubt be pleased to know the Tops supermarket at the corner of Central Pattaya Road and Second Road is strictly adhering to the government policy of not selling alcoholic beverages in bottles and cans to customers between the hours of midday and 5:00PM. For those who have the patience, it is possible to sit inside Tops, purchase and consume alcoholic drinks while waiting for 5:00PM to come. If this doesn't make any sense to you then I shall use just one word: politicians. Feed the Hungry Beast: The Ruby Club on Soi 6, well-known among those who wander about in the afternoon's looking for a little relaxation and company while having a quiet drink, has recently been sold and the new management has introduced a free buffet on Friday's starting around 4:00PM. Private Dance, Lighter Wallet: According to one of my informants the charge for a private dance in a side room in the fairly new Galaxy Cabaret gogo (Walking Street) is -make sure you're sitting down- 7,000 baht. Repeat it slowly: seven grey notes with the numerals 1000 printed on them. Are there really people out there who are so desperate to get within sniffing distance of a Caucasian female they are prepared to cough up seven big ones for the dubious privilege? The phrase more money than sense' immediately springs to mind. I'm told libations in the joint run to 200 baht a pop, making it just about the priciest joint this side of Bangkok. Now, before the usual conga line of over-bulging wallet types start wailing the traditional refrain of but in England you'd be paying?', I want to point out two things. First, in case you hadn't noticed you are in Thailand and one of the attractions for many people who come here is the fact the place is nowhere near as expensive as a first-world country. Second, I once went to a similar joint in Australia some years ago and the price for a private dance' was AUD$70, or around 1,800 baht in the conversion rate at the time. So, if these figures are correct, then the damsels in Galaxy are charging nearly four times as much in a developing nation compared to what's available in a first-world country. Go figure. Hamster's at Ten Paces: Regular readers of this missive will know I'm not a fan of the tawdry shows put on by some ogling dens, the majority owned by local males who seem to think the average foreigner just loves watching generally overfed dancing damsels fire darts, blow whistles, write messages, and extract razor blades from their front orifice. Goldfish and frogs are also common props but the worst must surely be from the Top Models gogo(Soi 14, off Walking Street) where a friend and his brother recently were witness to the sight of a hamster wriggling its furry way out of a baby-making factory. Piece of Pith: Old people love to give good advice to console themselves for no longer being able to set a bad example.' (La Rochefoucald)

Those messages are indeed pop ups which any pop up blocker will stop. All pop up blockers allow you to enter site names that are allowed to use pop ups on your computer. These, "you have mail pop ups", are the only ones you will find here so it makes sense to allow them. This is nothing new. It's been like this since we changed to the invision software a couple of years ago.

Monster Pool Comp: The relatively new King Kong pool shark auditorium, located on Third Road about 20 metres or so from North Pattaya Road, is going to hold a pool competition on Saturday night 3 September with 5,000 baht in prize money. I’m told the first prize is 2,000 baht and there will be second and third place money as well. Entry fee is 200 baht. The place has ‘Sovereign’ tournament class pool tables and could well be worth wandering into for a look and a play. Seven Out, Seven Out: The Casino Club, a yet-to-be-determined style of playhouse and boozatorium, was due to open its palatial doors in the narrow end of Soi Diamond around 19 August, but the finishing work wasn’t quite completed so the soft opening is now due 23 August with a grand opening on Saturday night 27 August. From the look of the work it is going to be nice setup, but I just wonder what kind of crowd they’re expecting to attract as the initial plans are that it will not be a chrome pole palace format. Watch this space. Rumour Has It: The ex-pat population in Pattaya has probably trebled in recent years, but in many ways it is still not much more than a large village. As it also tends to attract people at the retirement end of the scale as well as chancers and con-artists it is the perfect haven for the gossips and rumour mongers. Concomitant with the growth in an essentially idle foreign population has been the explosion in the number of websites devoted to night entertainment in Pattaya as well as Web boards and forums providing an opportunity for the computer literate to write almost anything they like with impunity. I know, for example, large tracts of what I write for newspapers and magazines winds up on various sites; some asked for my contributions, others simply cut and paste it to their site. With such exposure it is inevitable some of the more controversial items I write will attract comments both favourable and unfavourable. I rarely bother reading forums and postings because I haven’t the time or the inclination. As former US President Abraham Lincoln said, “If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, 10 angels swearing I was right would make no difference.” Of the more personal attacks made on me the usual refuge of those who really don’t know what the hell they’re on about is the ‘well he only writes about the such-and-such bar because they give him free drinks’ line. If I wander into a boozer and the owner or manager offers me a drink I’ll take it; it’s hardly the oil-for-food program. I have been offered money to write pieces for the odd bar and restaurant: I have refused every time and will never compromise my independence for a few lousy shekels. The boozers that do feature on a regular basis are usually those where the owners/managers are pro-active and make the effort to contact me and let me know what’s happening. My e-mail address usually accompanies most of what I write in the nightlife scene. Any bar owner, and I mean anyone, is free to contact me regarding parties, birthdays, promotions and the like and, as long as it’s relevant and, more to the point, sent in plenty of time, I will publicise it. No one is barred. I don’t ask, demand or expect anyone to fork out a free drink if I happen to be wandering into their bar for the purposes of simply checking the joint out. If a bar specifically requests my presence for whatever reason then of course I expect not to have to also cough up my money as well as my time. I think the majority of those offering drinks are well aware I am not going to write something good about their establishment just because they give me a freebie. As those who know me are well aware, I’m not much of a drinker anyway. Most of my friends can guzzle three drinks to my one any night of the week. Nor do I chase other people’s wives and/or girlfriends. Fun Town is awash with females and I certainly don’t need or want to go around chasing somebody else’s wallet-emptier when I can find my own. I happen to believe that, in general, the Nightmarch audience (and I know who he is) is the single man out for a perve and a good time without having his wallet raped and pillaged by avaricious bar owners or bar girls. By ‘single’ I mean he could actually be co-habiting with a Thai lady, running a small harem or be genuinely free and independent. Given that Pattaya is very much a place for ex-pat retirees on fixed or average incomes I try and point out where they may get the best bang for their baht. I do not write for a ‘couples’ market. Nor do I write for those who think because they ‘have money too much’ (as the bargirls would say) and don’t need to budget they can look down their noses at those who go drinking in happy hour and see those people as some kind of pond life to be marginalised. I know plenty of people here with loads of moolah to spread around but no sensible person wants to be gouged, either by bar owners or the damsels they employ. I’ve been at this journalism caper for 20 years and one thing I know for sure, the day I start writing to suit bar owners -in other words writing something’s good when it’s crap and vice versa- is the day the person who reads this column decides I’m full of bat guano and stops taking any notice. Here endeth the lesson. Psst…Wanna Buy A Boozer, Mate? One clear indication that low season is well and truly upon Pattaya is the number of bars that were being offered for sale in the August edition of the Pattaya Trader. No less than four go-go bars were being offered at prices between 600,000 baht (this joint is currently closed) to 7.5 million baht for one on Walking Street. The beer bars range from one in the Pattayaland sois at 550,000 baht to a place in north Pattaya that claims to have been going for 25 years and was offered at 6.6 million baht. In between were places in Walking Street through to Central Pattaya and on to Soi 6 and all in the 900,000 to 1.7 million baht range. Anyone simply wandering about the mean streets with their eyes open can find any number of boozers with a ‘For Sale or Rent’ sign stuck to a shuttered door. To me this proliferation of boozers for sale is a glaring indicator of the severity of this particular low season. Basically, the top 10 to 15 ogling dens and beer boozers around town are doing well; those with a strong ex-pat customer base are doing OK and the remainder are digging into the reserves they built up in the high season to carry them through these lean months. Of course, new boozers are being opened all the time and new areas being constructed because there’s always someone new to Pattaya who will be prepared to invest in boozer, be it old or new.

Another Good Walk Spoiled: The Misty’s ogling den in Pattayaland Soi 2 will be holding its third annual charity golf day on Friday 19 August at the Burapha course. Tee-off is at 11:30 am and the cost is 8,000 baht per four-person team, the minimum number required. There are two BMW motorbikes as special prizes for the first two people who can score a hole in one; on the course not in the nearby Sierra Tango boozer. Entry forms are available from Misty’s. And the Winner Is: Sunday 21 August is the place to be from 9:30PM onwards for the next in the monthly in-house Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) dance contests. The format has been streamlined somewhat and the entertainment is much better from the start than was the case in some previous contests. Approximately 18 or so damsels compete for a share of 13,000 baht worth of prize-money and with so many grey notes at stake most of the dancers really try and turn it on. Get there early for a good perving seat. Do Blondes Really Have More Fun? Khun Biw, the enterprising owner of the Polo show den (Walking Street) and other establishments of prurient interest, opened her latest venture Galaxy Cabaret on 4 August. Situated up the stairs right next door to Polo, the cabaret features erotic shows, table dances, and private dances (the latter being a method designed to unload only your wallet and nothing else) performed by women who have seen more snow than a Colombian cocaine dealer. I’m led to believe the dancers are all genuine blondes from countries with unpronounceable names ending in ‘stan’. One of the features of the new den is the enclosed glass cubicle facing Walking Street where one dancer shimmies and wiggles in an attempt to entice those strolling by to come upstairs for a closer and more intimate look. My sources tell me the Las Vegas blondes-R-us ogling den located around the corner from Galaxy Cabaret in Soi BJ is under new ownership. The Red, White and Blue: Big Andy is colour blind. The CEB discotec, as it was called, on Walking Street closed down after hosting the First International Bikini Open on 28 July and re-opened as the Club Electric Blue ogling den on 5 August. The layout is definitely superior to the original Club Electric Blue with two small dance stages, coloured red, in the centre. Its size can be gauged in terms of seating: capacity for 167 bums (both literally and figuratively) on red-upholstered stools near the stages and red-cushioned seating under the myriad of mirrors around the walls. The dancing damsels are bedecked in short red skirts and red bovver boots. OK, they’re not really bovver boots, they are more suited to hiking, although I doubt any of the footwear in the den will ever see a dusty trail. The place might have the word ‘blue’ in its title, but inside it’s all ‘red’. Perhaps it should be re-named Little Red Riding Hood’s. Could be a Real Howler: The Coyotes ogling den (Soi Marina Plaza) opened on 23 July on the site of one of what I call Pattaya’s ‘black holes’. There are a few places around Fun Town like this where night entertainment establishments open and fail at the rate of one or two a year. For example, on the Coyotes location I can think of Feigling Pub, X and Party Zone as just three that disappeared in a cloud of unpaid bills and broken leases. This particular re-incarnation might stand a better chance than others for a couple of reasons. First, it is easily the cleanest, brightest and most attractive the inside and outside of the building has ever been. In previous years it looked more like bat-cave than a working boozer. Second, the people involved in the joint have been around the after-dark entertainment fields of Fun Town for a long time and have a better idea than most as to what can work. Anybody familiar with Heaven’s Above (upstairs in Soi Diamond) will immediately think Coyotes is an over-sized version of the same in regards to layout and the bright colours. Happy hour runs from 7:00 to 8:30PM with most libations 40-50 baht. Amber draught Chang is 50 baht all night while Heineken draught is 65 baht. Outside happy hour, liver wasters are 110 baht, pricey but you can definitely taste the spirit. Bar fines are on a sliding scale of 550 baht for dancers, 600 baht for serving wenches and 700 baht for show-ghouls. Something Old, Something New: The Roof ogling den (upstairs in Soi Diamond) re-opened its doors but under the name New Player. No, I didn’t know there was an old Player either. The original Roof opened in high season last December but failed to attract much business and was closed. The Roof Mark II, or New Player, has to survive the low season, no easy task in the current depressed climate. By the time you read this the refurbished Super Girls ogling den (Soi Diamond) should be well and truly up and running again after the fire which gutted the inside of the place in late July. Khun Pradid, the owner of Super Girls and its big sister across the way Super Baby, told me he expected the place to be operational from 10 August. A sensible man who adheres to the ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ policy, Pradid said the only change from the old Super Girls layout was to move the DJ’s box to the far side of the den, away from the entrance. Seems as if the rumour suggesting the Champion ogling den (Walking Street) might be closing was premature, although I’m told the Maureen beer boozer at the entrance to Champion has not yet been assured of continuation past December. At any rate, Champion now has a new happy hour regime with just draught amber as the discounted beverage and all other libations at regular imposts. The amber fluid is now up from 35 to 45 baht during happy hour. The Casino Club (Soi Diamond) is due to open on Friday 19 August. There are no chrome poles so it won’t be an ogling den and it’s far too small for a late-night boogie barn. Reports suggest it will be more a chill-out room with good music and show girls as well as attractive hostesses. Watch this space. Also on Friday 19 August the Lek beer boozer and chill-out space at the Beach Road end of Soi 7 will be celebrating Lek’s **th birthday. Lek is famous for her beef stew, which is always on offer at one of her parties. The festivities will kick into gear around 8:00PM. The Food Front: One of Pattaya’s longest-running (1986) and respected nosheries is The Sportsman in Soi 6. Owned and operated by Ron, the fare is- as the name might suggest- predominantly English. The portions are substantial but Ron offers a special menu of popular dishes including fish and chips, and mince and mash, for a great value 145 baht. Libations are reasonable and punters can sit inside in air-conditioned comfort or brave the passing parade of mini-skirted Amazons with unnaturally high voices and sit outside under overhead fans. The place is open from early morning until late evening. Another good value nosh house is Cuisine Au Beurre in Soi Day-Night 2. The Swiss-owned French-style munching den offers a three-course special menu each night for just 185 baht. The standard entrees are a choice of salad, vol-au-vent (pastry with mushroom and sauce inside) or soup followed by one of three mains and then dessert of ice-cream, cheese or coffee. The den is open from about 6:00PM to 11:00PM. One of the best value and quality meals in town is available from the Swiss-run Boulevard Café in Soi Diamond. The soup and salad bar is one of the best around and those watching their waistline (unheard of in Fun Town) can indulge all they like for 150 baht. Anybody who orders a main meal worth 170 baht or more is entitled to raid the soup and salad for free. Great value and the food is excellent. How Long is a Piece of G-String? Dancers in ogling dens have been cavorting around chrome poles in g-strings for far longer than most people probably imagine. ‘In the New York round-up column, it was reported that Tay Lane, “a well-known nightclub G-string dancer” had her apartment burgled and thieves stole her wardrobe of one G-string, black and orange beaded…and another, of silver metallic cloth…’ This item appeared in the Sydney Daily Telegraph on 12 October 1946. Piece of Pith: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Could be either a cache or proxy problem. If you are using IE, go to Tools - Internet Options - General and click on the Settings button. Under "Check for newer versions of stored pages" check either Every Visit or Automatically. If that does not fix it then go to - Internet Options - Connections - Lan Settings. If you have use a proxy server checked, uncheck it ant try again. If none of this works a simple and useful idea maybe to install and use firefox as your browser. It's better than IE and its free. You can get it at http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/

Your description is a bit unclear to me but it sounds like you are having a cookie problem. The problem can be that cookies are not allowed by your browser. To check this, go to tools - options and turn off security. If that fixes the problem the raise your security level to medium and try again. Some browsers also let you choose to accept cookies from named sites. If yours does then allow cookies from www.pattayatalk.com. If that doesn't fix it, check your firewall (if you have one) Try turning it off first and see if the problem goes away. If it does look for a setting that will allow traffic from a named website. Insert www.pattayatalk.com then turn it back on. If that doesn't work please give a fuller description of what you see on the screen when you try to access the site.

Remember guys, this is a syndicated column written by Duncan Stern. He's an aussi and writes in an aussi style. You'd be surprised how time consuming compiling this sort of report is. I tried it once and gave up after two weeks. The good thing about Duncan is that he's been doing it for over two years now and keeps on pumping them out. Looking back over some of the old Nightmarches can be an interesting wander down memory lane

Big Andy is for turning Back to Where It Started: There were rumours the CEB discotheque was not doing as well as the owners had hoped (although this form of entertainment takes time to build up a clientele) and as of 5 August it has been confirmed the place will once more revert to chrome pole palace format. Big Andy has remodelled the inside and will have two large, mirrored dance floors with Damsels of the Disappearing Bikinis doing what he calls ‘non-stop shows’ and table dancing. To draw the early birds through the doors there will be a 35 baht happy hour from 7:30-9:00PM and during this time a dedicated amber fluid slurper can cough up 250 baht and drink as much Heineken as his heart desires or kidney’s can stand. Heineken will be on offer all night after happy hour for 45 baht. After 9:00PM those with a desire to understand the meaning of the word ‘oblivion’ can hand over a grey note with the numerals 1000 embossed on both sides and drink until closing time at no extra charge. I’m feeling inebriated just writing this. Get A Load Off Your Hard Drive: I can’t quite see it being a marketing winner, but the Misty’s gogo (Pattayaland Soi 2) now offers customers the opportunity of wandering into the joint and taking advantage of wireless Internet access with a 500KB upload capability and a 1GB download. I suppose if you happen to wander out of the house telling the trouble-and-strife you’re off to do a spot of downloading or uploading and you’ve got the laptop under your arm she’s less likely to be suspicious than if you saunter out with a wallet-load of purple and grey personality and not much else. Misty’s is currently one of the best of the off-Walking Street ogling dens. The den has plenty of chrome pole huggers (10 on stage at any one time) with a mixture of ages, shapes and sizes to suit most tastes; the air-conditioning is cool; the music is passable, and thankfully not an assault on the auditory senses. The place looks clean and fresh, unlike so many other dens that could really do with a coat or two of paint and a little refurbishment. Libations run to 70 baht for Tiger draught, in a decent-sized glass, although the price of lolly water at 95 baht still baffles me. Then again, this is a running complaint I have with almost every den in town. There is far greater profit per glass in lolly water (be it orange juice or plain H2O) than a draught amber, yet the majority of joints sting any punter who wants the non-alcoholic stuff. Anyway, liver wasters in Misty’s are pricey at 120 baht, but to be fair, the den puts in a full nip and it comes in a big glass. Ice, Ice, Baby: The Blue Ice Beauty Contest held on 20 July in the Jupiter’s gogo(Pattayaland Soi 2) proved to be a success with the chrome pole palace well patronised in the hour or so before the main event got under way around 11:00PM. Blue Ice is a San Miguel product retailing at 99 baht in the den. The dancing damsels were attired in very fetching blue bikinis, a slightly different design and style to those extant in most dens, and I hope management continue to use them as the standard for their dancers. Appropriately Named: Sometimes it really is cheese and chalk between gogos, even in the environs of Walking Street. Opposite the hugely successful and continually popular Living Dolls Showcase den a more modest chrome pole palace called Circus opened a few months ago. They originally started by having no happy hour at all and charging like wounded bulls for libations but then wondered where all the punters were. So, they introduced the best happy hour in town with a buy-one-get-one-free for a mere 45 baht. It couldn’t last as there was no way they were making any money, so now they’ve dropped the extra libation and reverted to a simple 45 baht for draught amber and house liver wasters. This still hasn’t reversed what must be an inevitable slide into gogooblivion as the place has all the ambience of a broom closet and is not much wider than same. The dancing damsels are veterans and may well have applied for a job in the belief they were running away to join the circus. There are no bearded ladies, midgets or trapeze artists but given the chrome pole molesters employed management may well do better to start thinking about living up to the name of the joint and gather together some circus-trained performers. Fluctuating Numbers: After a rash of openings during the previous 12 months or so, the number of gogos in the Walking Street area has suffered a reduction in recent times with the likes of Folies Pigalle and Roof closing their doors and now the original Nui’s in Soi 15 has shut up shop, although the reason in this case is not lack of custom but redevelopment of the site on which it was located. No need for anybody to be concerned about an increase in the Thai unemployment rate as the dancing damsels of Nui’s have simply moved to inflate the numbers in the Nui’s 2 operation on Walking Street. Where’s a Thai Calendar When You Need One? I’m told the two American owners of the new Coyote’s agogo- situated in the ‘black hole’ on Soi Marina Plaza, off Pratamnak Road- made arrangements to hold their grand opening on Friday 22 July. The problem was this happened to be the second of two major Buddha days and all boozers in the Kingdom were closed. Anyway, the place opened 24-hours later. Coyote’s is the fourth night-time operation to be opened on the site in the last four years, following Party Zone, X, and Feigling Pub. Bottoms Up: The Carousel gogo(Soi Diamond) has been one of the better places in Fun Town for many years and offers one of the better happy hours with all libations priced at just 50 baht between 8:00 and 10:00PM. The den is also flogging draught amber after happy hour at 45 baht all night. The place remains popular, the carousel being the first and still the best in Pattaya, but the music is dreadful and the quality of the chrome pole molesters is average, with a number sporting the well-fed look of the newly prosperous. The again, on a recent visit to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City for the politically correct) I had a reality check as I watched a number of foreign females sauntering about the streets lugging backpacks and couldn’t stop thinking of howdahs and elephants. By comparison, the damsels caressing the chrome poles in Carousel were positively waif-like. Wealth and Health Warning: As the economy worsens and the number of walking wallets diminishes more and more of the needy and the greedy are turning to easier ways of making ends meet rather than engaging in that hated four-letter word called work. In the late 1990s there were a number of high-profile incidents reported regarding individuals and gangs engaged in luring unsuspecting foreigners back to their hotel rooms, drugging them and stealing their valuables. An incident like this happened to a couple of my friends (and-time for a shameless plug- are recounted in a chapter in my book Pattaya, Patpong on Steroids) but it seems as though it’s happening again. An Australian man who’s been here for a long time was coming home after a night of alcoholic indulgence when he was approached by an attractive young damsel who offered to come back to his abode and give him a ‘massage’. The next thing he remembers is waking up about a day later with a throbbing head to find a few thousand baht missing. He didn’t bother going to the police as he had no name and no firm information about the woman. This is something that could happen to anyone, no matter whether you’ve been here 10 days or 10 years. As the duty sergeant used to say on Hill Street Blues, “Be careful out there.” No Bunnies Around Here: I recently attended the wedding of a friend where the reception was held at the Rabbit Resort on Jomtien beach. The management have trained the staff well and the service was impeccable and friendly while the buffet- including tod mun blah, gang keo wun gai, and other Thai favourites- was exceptional, prompting more than a few guests to second helpings. Located about half-way along the pathway leading to Pattaya Park, Rabbit Resort is a perfect place to kick back and relax in the late afternoon or early evening for a few drinks and dinner with friends. Check out their website for more details: www.rabbitresort.com Piece of Pith: The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Dance Contest and gogo news Time to Get Iced: On Wednesday night 20 July the Jupiter’s gogo (Pattayaland Soi 2) will be holding a Miss Blue Ice contest, sponsored by the people who brew an amber fluid going by the name Blue Ice; hence the name of the contest. At the time of writing I have no further details, but if past experiences in Planet Rock, the former name of Jupiter’s, are anything to go by then it should be worth sticking your head in. Contests Made in the Heat of the Night: The popular and usually pretty regular in-house Diamond gogo (Soi Diamond, off Walking Street) dance contests are always well-patronised and the July version will take place on Sunday 24th. The chrome poles will be polished to a spotless lustre in readiness for a 9:30PM start with the ultimate victor pursing five grey notes. Shameless Plug: for those with no idea what to expect a little colour booklet with pictures of previous dance contests, entitled Dance Fever, can be purchased from bookstores such as DK in Soi Post Office and Central Pattaya Road for just 195 baht (or not much more than two drinks in Diamond). Tale of Three Dens: There are people suggesting this current low season is one of the quietest on record and from pure empirical observation I’d be inclined to say they’re not far off the mark. On a recent very quiet Thursday evening I wandered around Walking Street in my usual aimless fashion (in more civilised countries I’d be arrested either for loitering with intent or vagrancy), starting off in the Champion gogo and then sauntering into The Dollhouse. Whether the rumours about Champion closing up are true or not, management has managed to recruit a pretty decent crop of chrome pole molesters, especially compared to a few months ago. After about 7:30PM some of the lasses seem to have an urge to disport themselves of all attire bar their boots and with happy hour operational until 9:00PM it’s worth at least a look. Prices during that time are 35 baht for draught amber and 50 baht for all other refreshments. Across the road in The Dollhouse, with a happy hour also running until 9:00PM, there are plenty of dancing maidens and these too are generally easy on the eye, especially when some of them clearly find the stage a little warm around the region of the chest and find a need to loosen their tops. The sign out front offers ‘all well drinks at 45 baht’, which begs the question, “What price unwell drinks?”. Sadly, in the case of both dens, low season is biting. In Champion there were less than 10 customers at any one time in the half-hour or so I was there while The Dollhouse fared even worse with no more than six people inside. This is not to say that come 10 or 11PM both places aren’t packed, but at that time of the evening (7:30-9:00PM) you wonder where everyone has gone. The answer is Happy (and Peppermint, Carousel and a couple of others). After the terminal paucity of bum warmers in Champion and The Dollhouse, the Happy gogo was at least 60 percent full. Their happy hour runs until 9:00PM with almost every libation just 45 baht and, as has always been the case with Happy, the stage is full of generally well-endowed veterans of the chrome pole, most of whom know how to do more than just shuffle. In short, the place has more atmosphere than a lot of other chrome pole palaces and it’s really no surprise to find it almost constantly busy. A Roll of the Dice: The Soi Diamond area of Walking Street has become the central hub (a term much in favour with the current government) of entertainment involving lasses whose job description involves chrome poles and tiny bikinis. Rumours suggest another venue will be opening its doors in a few weeks in the laneway leading to Pratamnak Road. To be called the Casino Club it will feature table and stage dancers of the style seen in Thai-frequented places like Hollywood Disco (off South Pattaya Road) and X-Zyte (Third Road). The aim of the new place is to attract the overflow from nightclubs such as Lucifer’s (Walking Street) and appeal to both Thais as well as foreigners. More Erections: As one beer booze bar complex succumbs to a lack of custom or the developers bulldozers, you can bet another row of boozers will be opening elsewhere. Down along re-developed Soi 6/1 there is construction that looks suspiciously like it will finish up being a series of beer bars, as opposed to a set of gazebos without a view, and a set of a six or so beer bars are just about completed behind the New Plaza structure (opposite Soi 8 on Second Road). Will there be a rush by the desperate-to-stay-here brigade to purchase their own piece of paradise and make a small fortune? Given past experience the queues will probably start at Beach Road. The Word for Tonight is ‘Cellulite’: Although mindful that once away from the fleshpots of Walking Street any judgement of an gogo should be tempered with the knowledge one is looking at the second division, there are times when a Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Customers’ Eyesight would not go astray. One such example is the Hot & Cold chrome pole palace (Soi Post Office), which has been going successfully for many years, but on my last visit I thought I’d wandered into an anti-cellulite clinic. It is just possible- if you believe in reincarnation- that some of the chrome pole huggers could well have posed as the subject’s for William Hogarth’s painting Harlot’s Progress back in 1732. I wanted to ask one lady if she enjoyed horse riding, but thought she might take this as some kind of invitation; I have more respect for horses. Mind you, the damsels are a friendly lot many of who wander about the den in search of missing bikini tops. The music is quite different from any other den in town, both in terms of material played (bubblegum from the 1960s and 70s) and decibel level (low to the point of almost inaudible). It’s a strange mix. Libations are reasonable with draught amber fluid and lolly water sensible at 60 baht, so it’s no surprise there’s a fairly regular influx of customers. An inspection of the upstairs facilities for purposes involving horizontal activities costs 300 baht while the damsel performing the guided tour leaves her ‘tip’ up to you in most cases. Not Just Rocking in the Afternoon: Down the road apiece from Hot & Cold is the Far East Rock gogo which, with its cousin Club Nevada across the soi, regarded as an ideal afternoon place to whet the whistle. Even late into the evening Far East Rock can provide an interlude of interesting entertainment with plenty of passable damsels cavorting about the stage in various stages of (un)dress. It’s better than I’ve seen it in a long time with good music and draught amber at 50 baht. The major negative is in the pricing of lolly water at 80 baht, or 60 percent more than amber nectar. One day somebody will be able to have a clear and rational explanation as to why so many boozers charge way over the odds for non-alcoholic libations. Try This Quick Quiz: You wouldn’t think a round-robin competition meant as a way of selling extra booze on quiet nights could engender much in the way of controversy, but in recent times a number of the teams involved in the Wednesday evening Quiz have expressed dissatisfaction with the quizmaster. This growing disquiet was based on the type of questions being posed: obscure to the point of being totally ridiculous. When criticised for this, the quizmaster petulantly decided to set a series of questions so easy the average British politician would have been able to score highly. The final straw came when the quizmaster took over the role of adjudicating on appeals made against the answers to his questions. A classic example being an appeal by Fawlty Towers (Soi 7) over the question, ‘Where in the UK are the Cullin Hills?’ They answered ‘Scotland’ but were marked wrong, as the answer required was the Isle of Skye. For the geographically-challenged- including yours truly- my encyclopaedia says the Isle of Skye is ‘an island of northwest Scotland in the Inner Hebrides’. Therefore, if the Cullin Hills are on the Isle of Skye and the Isle of Skye is in Scotland and Scotland is in the UK, the answer by Fawlty Towers is, surely, correct and the appeal should have been upheld. The quizmaster/judge claimed Scotland was ‘far too broad and does not construe with the nature of the question. All the other teams that knew the Hills…put the correct answer of the Isle of Skye.’ In other words, teams must now not only listen to the question but be clairvoyant and ‘construe…the nature of the question.’ There is talk of rotating quiz setters with a pool of willing participants compiling the questions each week. At least this would give a differing slant to the series. Being a quizmaster is an ultimately thankless task. Make the questions too hard and people become frustrated and don’t enjoy themselves; make them too easy and you become a laughing stock. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Piece of Pith: Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Keep Staring and Buy Me a Drink: A little while ago I mentioned a well-known thriller writer, noting waitresses in the Kilkenny lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) were sporting T-shirts reading ‘Don’t Stare, Buy Me a Drink’, purchased a libation for one of them. He was disappointed when the damsel ordered a glass of Guinness but then told him she would have to wait until the end of her shift before downing the refreshment. To clarify matters, the management of Kilkenny said ‘the staff are instructed to tell customers before (my italics) accepting the offer of a drink that they can only drink it after work not during…They are not to blame for…regulations…asking them not to drink whilst working.’ I don’t think the customer was concerned about the waitress pocketing the total cost of the libation, but more that he had purchased a tipple for her and would be unable to see whether this particular lass- whom he described as not much bigger than a garden gnome- could actually consume a glass of Guinness. While staff may well be instructed to inform customers prior to accepting a drink offer, the temptation to ‘forget’ to tell the customer pre-purchase is great; after all, the offer may well be rescinded and thus the lass has missed out on a few baht. Perhaps the best compromise would be for working damsels to be able to drink a glass of lolly water rather than be permitted to order anything stronger. That way the customer has the satisfaction of witnessing the benefits of his largesse, and the damsel remains sober and efficient. Bigger Than Tijuana: Big Al’s Monster Tacos and Burger stand, located on Second Road, opposite the Big C shopping complex and in front of the Atlantic Bar near Soi 3, has been doing good business since it first opened a couple of months back. There are those who claim to know Mexican nosh who say the stand serves good Mexican food at prices that won’t break the bank. The Monster Burrito is 90 baht while the Monster Taco retails at 80 baht. Sour cream is an extra five baht. Drinks are also reasonable with Leo amber nectar at 40 baht and lolly water 30 baht. Big Al, an American whose moniker is justified, has been in Pattaya for about three years now, will be opening a fully-serviced Mexican restaurant just off Walking Street in the next couple of months and promises his prices will be reasonable and the quality of the food up with the best in town. In the meantime, he has partnered up with Garrulous Gary of The Alamo in Soi 8, making his burritos, tacos and other strange-sounding victuals available for the tired and hungry strollers of that populous soi. The Alamo is situated right next door to the Silver Star ogling den and opposite a pair of beer boozers with sights definitely worth scanning while masticating a mouthful of re-fried beans. I do suggest heading upwind after completing a Mexican meal, the downwind alternative can get to be a little nose-wrinkling, especially if you’ve had a few Chang chasers. Crash and Fingers Burn: Yet another potential sad tale of woe from the ‘How to Make a Small Fortune in a Night Entertainment Venue in Pattaya’ Business Plan 101. The answer, of course, ‘start with a large fortune’. This tale concerns the benighted complex of boozers opposite the Lek sleeping palace on Second Road. Known as the Happy House complex it had previous incarnations as Fight Night and Erdinger Beer Garden the rumour mill suggested the sundry booze bar operators on the south side of the setup were given until 30 June to vacate the premises because the area is to be turned into yet another giant shopping mall. Something Fun Town is really short on. My spies tell me compensation will be limited to a return on deposit and three months rent. Allegedly two Thai businessmen operate the complex and are blaming one another for the mess and neither of them is ever seen together. According to one report, the land was sold for 80 million baht with somebody trousering a nice wedge from that. A Thai lady spent around 1.5 million baht and opened a new go-go bar called Love Joys in the complex in early June but I’m told she has no contract with at least one of the owners and therefore stands to lose most of her investment. The sad reality is almost nothing can really be done to obtain proper and fair compensation, and not just in this instance. Look at the Cupido Complex, Queen’s Park Plaza, the Beach and Second Road Soi 9 beer boozers and many other collective and single instances stretching from Bangkok to Phuket as well as Pattaya. And the Thais will screw fellow Thais just as soon as they would any foreigner. Nothing personal, just business (read: greed and avarice). No Nobel Prize Winners in Here: Just in case anyone hadn’t noticed or could care less anyway, the Dynamite ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 1) blew itself into oblivion some weeks ago and closed its doors after failing to attract much in the way of that increasingly rare beast known as the paying public. Manager Napoleon Blownapart was quoted as saying, “I think the stairs are what did it. Too many for old foreigners to climb and those that did and managed to stay for a few drinks got drunk and kept falling down and breaking their necks when they left. That really buggered our customer base.” Given the nature of the gender-confused soi, chances are the place will re-open as a pink palace. Also closed in recent times are the Hot and Cold gogo (Soi Yamato), that’s in case anyone actually noticed it had re-opened, albeit briefly; the Roof chrome pole palace (upstairs at the beach end of Soi Diamond); I think the over-priced libations and strange seating arrangements didn’t help and the Folies Pigalle agogo (Walking Street), no loss there in what has been a Pattaya ‘black hole’ for more than 10 years (remember Cheerleaders and Drop In?). The Jacuzzi and Las Vegas gogos (both in Soi BJ, off Walking Street), the latter featuring those hard-faced Russian showtarts, were closed for renovations in June and should, according to the signs out the front, be re-opening by the time you read this. Two-Tiered Dancers: Although we lump all boozers employing damsels who dance around a chrome pole under the tag of an ogling den, for a long time now there has been a two-tiered pricing structure in place in those places also offering a range of ‘shows’. The Living Dolls Showcase and Polo dens (both on Walking Street) have for some time had a policy of charging 1,000 baht as a bar fine for their show girls. The aim of this high impost is to discourage punters from taking the lasses out of the joint before or during the shows. It is sensible business practice. After all, if the best show girls are gone before 11:00PM or midnight then the punters who do come to see the shows will likely be disappointed. Now a whole raft of other dens are following suit. Some of them still basically offer chrome pole dancing with some shows for added interest. In these dens the damsel who just hugs the chrome pole for a few songs can still be bar-fined for 500 baht; those lasses who have more intimate relations with the poles, rubber utensils and each other are only available for a 1,000 baht impost. Again, this is a sensible operating policy for the bar. Unfortunately, problems can arise with punters interested in furthering their acquaintance with one of these ‘stars’, especially if it happens to be past the witching hour. I was in one of the better quality ogling/show dens recently when a punter wanted to pay the bar for a couple of the showgirls. The time was around 1:30AM and the owners still wanted 1,000 baht for each lady. Needless to say, the punter felt he was being gouged (he was perfectly happy to cough up the usual ‘monkey’ for each damsel, but wasn’t going to part with a ‘gorilla’). After he left, I asked the owners why they had insisted on the 1,000 baht and was told, “I have to pay the show girls 400 baht per day, so if I let her go for just 500 baht we’re not making any money.” As most people probably know, the damsel usually receives 100 baht out of a bar fine. To his credit, the owner did say he would talk to his partner and they would possibly change their policy to reflect the time at which a punter is looking to make his ‘purchase’. For example, after midnight in the What’s Up gogo the bar fine for a show dancer drops to 600 baht. Anytime’s a Good Time for Playtime: Apropos of the above, the management of the New Living Dolls ogling den (Walking Street) have reduced the bar fine for dancing damsels from the standard 500 baht to 300 baht for the last hour of operations each night. The aim is to encourage those imbibers looking for a little female companionship into the early hours of the morning not to wait for their favourite dancer to finish her shift at 2:00AM, but instead cough up a little earlier and have that extra ‘quality’ time with their favourite. The plan is to continue the reduced late-hour bar fine system until the end of July. Piece of Pith: ‘All passions involve excess. That’s what makes them passions.’ (Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort 1741-1794)

Lateral Thinking: The management of the Living Dolls gogo (Walking Street) have, sensibly in my view, introduced a happy hour on bar fines, reducing the usual 500 baht impost to just 300 baht for the last hour of operations (between 1:00 and 2:00AM). The new deal will be trialled until the end of June and is aimed at giving punters an incentive to pay now rather than try and organize an after-work tryst. Shiny Boots and Not Much Else: There is a rumour suggesting the Champion gogo (Walking Street) may soon be closing its doors after the owner of the building hiked up the rent recently. True or not, Champion is still running one of the better happy hours in town between 7:30 and 9:00PM with draught amber at 35 baht and other liquid refreshments just 50 baht. After happy hour the draught nectar retails at just 45 baht all night. Liver wasters and the like rise to 95 baht. The place has its moments of popularity and one of the key reasons is the number of dancing damsels who seem to delight in displaying all their charms apart from their feet, which remain firmly encased in thigh-high boots. Older than Methuselah: Aussie Bruce recently sent me an e-mail suggesting the oldest boozer run by the same interests in Pattaya is the Honey (Walking Street) which, according to Bruce has been operated by a pair of sisters ‘since the mid 70s’. Considering the average lifespan of many boozers is not much greater than a Mayfly, to be in control of a successful ale shack for so long is an impressive achievement. To recap on previous long-running boozers run by the same people, Café Ole in Soi 6 has been going since 1981, Scandi Bar on Second Road kicked off in 1986 and the Vicky beer boozer in Soi 8 swung into operation in 1987. Congratulations I think are deserved to all concerned. Covering All the Bases: The biography of the late Father Ray Brennan, founder of the Pattaya Orphanage, In the Name of the Boss Upstairs by Jerry Hopkins, has been translated into Thai and is due to be released in June. The book is also to go audio with both Thai and English language productions. According to Tom Vincent, who is co-coordinating the projects, the English audio version began recording in mid-May while the Thai audio should be close to completion by the time you read this. All proceeds from the sale of these books and audios go to the Orphanage. Where’s Your Buddy? Got chatting with an English guy in the What’s Up gogo (Soi 15, off Walking Street) recently and he related a story of being accosted by a couple of American MP’s who wanted to know why he was walking around without his ‘buddy’. It appears the MPs had mistaken him for one of their service personnel. Apparently, all US military personnel who come to Pattaya for a good night out must be paired up and remain together while out on the mean streets of Fun Town. I wonder what happens when one man feels a stirring in the trouser department while chatting with a damsel of easy virtue and is so overcome with desire he coughs up the moolah for the bar fine and they scoot off to find a hotel offering short-stay lying-in facilities. Does his ‘buddy’ accompany him and watch over his friend, perhaps offering sage advice at certain crucial moments while his friend and the damsel are entwined in a lover’s embrace? Kind of kinky these young Americans. A Chance to Turn a Black Hole to a Shining Star: Work is currently under way to create yet another nighttime entertainment venue in the ‘black hole’ located in Soi Marina Plaza, the main link between Soi Lucky Star and Second Road. I’m told two of Pattaya’s better known ogling den operators are currently working on converting the currently vacant spacious building half-way down Marina Plaza into what they hope will be Fun Town’s next ‘must visit’ chrome pole palace. The place has been known as the Feigling Pub, My understanding is the premises should be open by the end of July. Attitude: A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to the Philippines where he sang the praises of the Filipino working damsels, making interesting comparisons with their Thai counterparts. “They haven’t heard of short-time,” he claimed. He was also impressed by their general attitude. This brings me to an issue that’s being raised with me more and more by long-term ex-pats. Many are bemoaning what they perceive as a paradigm shift in the attitude of the average Thai working damsel. The grapevine has extended across the ogling den spectrum and almost every dancer (be she young, old, tall, short, thin, fat, beautiful or ugly) now has a standard, practically non-negotiable, price. What amazes me are the numbers of damsels for whom Hans Christian Andersen may well have penned The Ugly Duckling yet seem to have no trouble being bar-fined on a regular basis. Of course part of the reason is there are those who think because the girl is not a stunner she doesn’t get taken very much and will therefore be almost grateful. Of course, most of us know this is total rubbish. There are women out there impersonating dancers and there are dens with chrome pole molesters who could easily pass muster as the ‘before’ photographs in an advertisement for cellulite. As Pattaya becomes more and more prosperous and starts to look like a seaside version of Bangkok, it’s inevitable prices will rise. The north Asian tourists, foreigners working in Singapore and Hong Kong, people working on contract off-shore, are all helping to fuel the rise in the price of mattress dancing services. Up in the Big Chilli, the damsels of Nana Plaza and even Soi Cowboy are asking for 2, 3 and even 4,000 baht for their amorous favours. Sounds ridiculous I know. What’s even crazier is there are people who pay these inflated figures. Yet a walk down the sidewalks of Sukhumvit Road at certain times of the evening can see an assignation organised for the same impost as the bar fine in most ogling dens, and some of the damsels are a long way from having been beaten with the ugly stick. A friend told me of an experience with a dancer in Peppermint recently. The girl was complaining, “Farang not like me; I don’t know why.” When my friend asked her what sort of remuneration she expected to receive for playing hide-the-salami she stated, “5,000 baht.” He was then able to explain the reason why she wasn’t exactly popular with foreigners. Around and About: Happy hour in the Peppermint ogling den (Walking Street) has been gradually carved back over the last couple of years as the place has continued to hold its incredible popularity. The 45 baht all drinks happy hour now ceases at 9:00PM. Until a few weeks ago it was 15 minutes longer. Nonetheless, draught amber fluid remains at 45 baht all night. The FLB lounge lizards libation room (Walking Street) has Heineken draught amber at 60 baht as is Thai rotgut. Most liver wasters run to 95 baht, but if punters want a double the price is not doubled. For example, a double vodka and tonic would set you back 170 baht, not 190 baht. The Super Model ogling den (Soi Diamond) has maintained its early popularity with plenty of dancing damsels caressing the chrome poles and the happy hour between 8:00 and 9:30PM draws plenty of imbibers with libations at 49 baht. Lady drinks are industry standard 95 baht. Kittens, the only surviving ogling den in Naklua, has undergone a change in the management structure and has been re-badged as the 1969 chrome pole palace. The outside has been given a facelift, the inside remains the same, but then it didn’t need any real work. The new regime, apparently well-known long-time operators of such dens of iniquity, is preparing to make some serious improvements, particularly in the area of the quality of the chrome pole huggers. Tales from the Crib: A condo dweller in south Pattaya was telling me about an incident in which he came home one evening and, in the early hours of the morning, was suddenly shaken awake by loud music emanating from the unit next door. The music was of the German martial style, all trumpets and clashing cymbals; think Richard Wagner and Gotterdammerung (The Twilight of the Gods). Thinking there was a wild party in progress next door, my friend, a tall man, leaned over his balcony and was able to peer into his next door neighbour’s lounge room. Instead of a bacchanalian booze and dance fest he saw a lone man sitting in a lounge chair while a Thai lady knelt before him clearly practising the arcane art of oral stimulation. One wonders if the man was hoping to time his final release to coincide with the climax of the martial music pounding out of his stereo system. Piece of Pith: ‘The world has always gone through periods of madness so as to advance a bit on the road to reason.’ Hermann Broch (1886–1951), Austrian novelist. The doctor, in The Spell.

Lateral Thinking: The management of the Living Dolls gogo (Walking Street) have, sensibly in my view, introduced a happy hour on bar fines, reducing the usual 500 baht impost to just 300 baht for the last hour of operations (between 1:00 and 2:00AM). The new deal will be trialled until the end of June and is aimed at giving punters an incentive to pay now rather than try and organize an after-work tryst. Shiny Boots and Not Much Else: There is a rumour suggesting the Champion gogo (Walking Street) may soon be closing its doors after the owner of the building hiked up the rent recently. True or not, Champion is still running one of the better happy hours in town between 7:30 and 9:00PM with draught amber at 35 baht and other liquid refreshments just 50 baht. After happy hour the draught nectar retails at just 45 baht all night. Liver wasters and the like rise to 95 baht. The place has its moments of popularity and one of the key reasons is the number of dancing damsels who seem to delight in displaying all their charms apart from their feet, which remain firmly encased in thigh-high boots. Older than Methuselah: Aussie Bruce recently sent me an e-mail suggesting the oldest boozer run by the same interests in Pattaya is the Honey (Walking Street) which, according to Bruce has been operated by a pair of sisters ‘since the mid 70s’. Considering the average lifespan of many boozers is not much greater than a Mayfly, to be in control of a successful ale shack for so long is an impressive achievement. To recap on previous long-running boozers run by the same people, Café Ole in Soi 6 has been going since 1981, Scandi Bar on Second Road kicked off in 1986 and the Vicky beer boozer in Soi 8 swung into operation in 1987. Congratulations I think are deserved to all concerned. Covering All the Bases: The biography of the late Father Ray Brennan, founder of the Pattaya Orphanage, In the Name of the Boss Upstairs by Jerry Hopkins, has been translated into Thai and is due to be released in June. The book is also to go audio with both Thai and English language productions. According to Tom Vincent, who is co-coordinating the projects, the English audio version began recording in mid-May while the Thai audio should be close to completion by the time you read this. All proceeds from the sale of these books and audios go to the Orphanage. Where’s Your Buddy? Got chatting with an English guy in the What’s Up gogo (Soi 15, off Walking Street) recently and he related a story of being accosted by a couple of American MP’s who wanted to know why he was walking around without his ‘buddy’. It appears the MPs had mistaken him for one of their service personnel. Apparently, all US military personnel who come to Pattaya for a good night out must be paired up and remain together while out on the mean streets of Fun Town. I wonder what happens when one man feels a stirring in the trouser department while chatting with a damsel of easy virtue and is so overcome with desire he coughs up the moolah for the bar fine and they scoot off to find a hotel offering short-stay lying-in facilities. Does his ‘buddy’ accompany him and watch over his friend, perhaps offering sage advice at certain crucial moments while his friend and the damsel are entwined in a lover’s embrace? Kind of kinky these young Americans. A Chance to Turn a Black Hole to a Shining Star: Work is currently under way to create yet another nighttime entertainment venue in the ‘black hole’ located in Soi Marina Plaza, the main link between Soi Lucky Star and Second Road. I’m told two of Pattaya’s better known ogling den operators are currently working on converting the currently vacant spacious building half-way down Marina Plaza into what they hope will be Fun Town’s next ‘must visit’ chrome pole palace. The place has been known as the Feigling Pub, My understanding is the premises should be open by the end of July. Attitude: A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to the Philippines where he sang the praises of the Filipino working damsels, making interesting comparisons with their Thai counterparts. “They haven’t heard of short-time,” he claimed. He was also impressed by their general attitude. This brings me to an issue that’s being raised with me more and more by long-term ex-pats. Many are bemoaning what they perceive as a paradigm shift in the attitude of the average Thai working damsel. The grapevine has extended across the ogling den spectrum and almost every dancer (be she young, old, tall, short, thin, fat, beautiful or ugly) now has a standard, practically non-negotiable, price. What amazes me are the numbers of damsels for whom Hans Christian Andersen may well have penned The Ugly Duckling yet seem to have no trouble being bar-fined on a regular basis. Of course part of the reason is there are those who think because the girl is not a stunner she doesn’t get taken very much and will therefore be almost grateful. Of course, most of us know this is total rubbish. There are women out there impersonating dancers and there are dens with chrome pole molesters who could easily pass muster as the ‘before’ photographs in an advertisement for cellulite. As Pattaya becomes more and more prosperous and starts to look like a seaside version of Bangkok, it’s inevitable prices will rise. The north Asian tourists, foreigners working in Singapore and Hong Kong, people working on contract off-shore, are all helping to fuel the rise in the price of mattress dancing services. Up in the Big Chilli, the damsels of Nana Plaza and even Soi Cowboy are asking for 2, 3 and even 4,000 baht for their amorous favours. Sounds ridiculous I know. What’s even crazier is there are people who pay these inflated figures. Yet a walk down the sidewalks of Sukhumvit Road at certain times of the evening can see an assignation organised for the same impost as the bar fine in most ogling dens, and some of the damsels are a long way from having been beaten with the ugly stick. A friend told me of an experience with a dancer in Peppermint recently. The girl was complaining, “Farang not like me; I don’t know why.” When my friend asked her what sort of remuneration she expected to receive for playing hide-the-salami she stated, “5,000 baht.” He was then able to explain the reason why she wasn’t exactly popular with foreigners. Around and About: Happy hour in the Peppermint ogling den (Walking Street) has been gradually carved back over the last couple of years as the place has continued to hold its incredible popularity. The 45 baht all drinks happy hour now ceases at 9:00PM. Until a few weeks ago it was 15 minutes longer. Nonetheless, draught amber fluid remains at 45 baht all night. The FLB lounge lizards libation room (Walking Street) has Heineken draught amber at 60 baht as is Thai rotgut. Most liver wasters run to 95 baht, but if punters want a double the price is not doubled. For example, a double vodka and tonic would set you back 170 baht, not 190 baht. The Super Model ogling den (Soi Diamond) has maintained its early popularity with plenty of dancing damsels caressing the chrome poles and the happy hour between 8:00 and 9:30PM draws plenty of imbibers with libations at 49 baht. Lady drinks are industry standard 95 baht. Kittens, the only surviving ogling den in Naklua, has undergone a change in the management structure and has been re-badged as the 1969 chrome pole palace. The outside has been given a facelift, the inside remains the same, but then it didn’t need any real work. The new regime, apparently well-known long-time operators of such dens of iniquity, is preparing to make some serious improvements, particularly in the area of the quality of the chrome pole huggers. Tales from the Crib: A condo dweller in south Pattaya was telling me about an incident in which he came home one evening and, in the early hours of the morning, was suddenly shaken awake by loud music emanating from the unit next door. The music was of the German martial style, all trumpets and clashing cymbals; think Richard Wagner and Gotterdammerung (The Twilight of the Gods). Thinking there was a wild party in progress next door, my friend, a tall man, leaned over his balcony and was able to peer into his next door neighbour’s lounge room. Instead of a bacchanalian booze and dance fest he saw a lone man sitting in a lounge chair while a Thai lady knelt before him clearly practising the arcane art of oral stimulation. One wonders if the man was hoping to time his final release to coincide with the climax of the martial music pounding out of his stereo system. Piece of Pith: ‘The world has always gone through periods of madness so as to advance a bit on the road to reason.’ Hermann Broch (1886–1951), Austrian novelist. The doctor, in The Spell.

Wbill I edited your post above to make the pic work. Originally you had the url as http://http://pattaya.dumcsi.com/data/thum...97/P2010028.JPG note the two http://. I changed it to http://pattaya.dumcsi.com/data/thumbnails/97/P2010028.JPG and it now works although it looks like you took the link from a thumbnail rather than the pic itself.

What is the problem? Try to describe what happens and what you see on your screen. Otherwise it is impossible to say what is causing your problem.

Who Started the Fire? On Wednesday 18 May, and again on Friday 20 May, the Matichon newspaper, a Thai-language national daily, ran a couple of stories supposedly exposing the existence of a number of books for sale in Thailand that were allegedly derogatory to the nation and its people. The main focus of the first story was aimed at Neil Hutchison, a fellow Australian and friend of mine. As it happened, Neil was out of the country when the story broke and knew nothing of the furore surrounding him when he returned a couple of days later. Neil, not being a professional journalist and therefore un-used to the kind of dramas that can occasionally engulf a writer, was understandably concerned at the potential trouble this publicity could cause for him living in Pattaya. Having been a freelance journalist for almost 20 years now I am used to the occasional flurry of righteous indignation and threats of dire consequences resulting from pieces I’ve written. Usually those most upset have their own hidden agendas. As the owner of Pattaya Today newspaper, Khun Visa, said to me when she read the Matichon story, “I can’t see what the problem is.” Basically, there is no problem. The stories were a media beat-up with the central premise being that Neil and I were somehow impugning the character of Thailand and its people by our books and articles. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have always made a point of writing in context; the material in books such as Money Still Number One and Pattaya, Patpong on Steroids as well as newspaper columns such as ‘Nightmarch’ and ‘Fool In Paradise’ reflect our experiences and views regarding the nightlife scene in general. I have had a lot of Thai girls, both working in bars as well as others in so-called ‘normal’ professions, who told me they enjoyed Pattaya Unplugged and had a good laugh. The book is now in its fifth incarnation and has been re-titled Porn Unplugged. It’s interesting to note the story denigrating Neil and his books was penned by a male Thai reporter. A year or so ago the Ying Thai magazine, a publication aimed squarely at young, Thai females ran a review of two of Neil’s books that were laudatory. In other words, a young, Thai, female reporter was intelligent enough to understand the humour (generally self-deprecatory in Neil’s case) of the works and recognise the context in which they were written. Sadly, the male reporter was unable to grasp this simple premise and, from what I understand, referred to Neil as ‘English’. Clearly, he hadn’t read the books in any depth because even a cursory flick through them will find sufficient reference to his homeland Australia. Rumour has it the source of complaints against the books comes from a Thai woman married to a foreigner and who runs a bar in Soi Post Office. If this is the case, the question has to be asked why would they take up the cudgels in an attempt to have the books removed from sale? Perhaps they are working a scam with their female employees: writing con letters asking for monetary assistance from foreigners who’ve gone home after a tryst with an employee. The pay-off is a percentage of the money remitted by the walking wallet/s. Perhaps the Thai woman who owns the bar is aggrieved because too many foreigners are wising up to the wiles and tricks of the trade of the bargirls. The gullible are not so thick on the ground anymore, and this is cutting into her monetary return. Altruism is definitely not the reason behind this campaign. So where does it all go from here. Were the Thai government to ban the books for sale in the country they would, in all likelihood, simply create an overseas best-seller. Imagine returning to Australia with the books and hawking the story around the national media about censorship in Thailand and being banned for telling foreigners how not to get ripped off by bargirls. The newspapers overseas would lap it up. Of course the other as yet unanswered question is who contacted the journalist at Matichon and why did he agree to run what really was a ‘nothing’ story concentrating only on Neil and myself? I can think of a couple of other publications currently on the shelves that definitely denigrate Thai people, and women in particular, yet no one else was placed ‘in the frame’ as it were. No doubt the truth will be revealed in time. Out of the Sand Trap: The long-established Bunker Boys golfing fraternity has recently undergone yet another form of regime change with the departure- for greener greens or deeper bunkers is yet to become clear- of Mr Loy, one of the chief organisers. Operating out of the popular and well-run OK Corral (Soi Rungland, off South Pattaya Road), the organising of the Bunker Boys golf days has been taken over by Denis the Menace and Len. People interested in a good golf day out should turn up at the OK Corral before 10:00 am on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s and before midday on Saturday’s. Further information can be obtained by going to their website: www.thebunkerboys.com or emailing Denis or Len: bunkerboys@ipgc.org There’s a Hare in There: Apart from having the well-named Ugly Brothers Band belting out familiar tunes every night of the week, the laid-back FLB Bar (Walking Street, just past the famous big tree) holds parties almost every month and now has what manager Ben terms a ‘bunny night’ on Saturday’s. The air-conditioned bar always has plenty of ‘bunnies’ just hoping for someone to put the down-payment on a new hutch or two, preferably in an Issan province. It’s all in the Rent: Rumour has it that the owner of the building housing the long-running Champion a-go-go (Walking Street) has jacked up the rent yet again and Khun Joo, the owner of Champion, claims he can no longer make a decent living out of his chrome pole palace and may be forced into either closing down or trying to sell it off. Champion offers one of the best happy hours in town with the bar opening at 7:30 pm and retailing draught beer at just 35 baht a glass until 9:00 pm. In the same period other drinks are just 50 baht.

I visited Loxinfo yesterday with offer in hand. The girl took one look and said Bangkok only and then produced a different pricelist with a 1024/512 k line for 7,000 baht. When I suggested this was a bit excessive, she produced a new bit of badly photocopied paper with a different price list. This one was 800 baht for 512, and 1,500 baht for 1024. Sold I said, I'll take the 1500 baht please. Plus 1,000 she says for TOT. So that's 2500 a month plus tax. OK done I say. I give her my TOT number but she's not sure if it will work so sends me off to TOT to check. Can not says TOT. Only central exchange numbers can have DSL. Apparently I'm in the South Pattaya exchange. So that's the end of that! Having been inspired to get a faster connection I rang JI-Net when I got home to enquire about upgrading my existing account. Can not says the helpful customer service girl - Pattaya only 512 you have fastest already. Guess I'll just have to be happy with what I've got.