PattayaPete

An Elephantine Miscalcu- lation: In my last missive I mentioned the inroads the Tiger amber fluid was making into the local booze market, stating it was giving Singha a run for its froth and head. An alert reader quickly pointed out Singha was no longer the market front-runner, that honour being held by Chang, with, he believes, around 60 percent of the liquid gold sales in Thailand. So it seems the Tiger might have the Elephant by the tail. Wouldn’t like to try and predict the outcome of that bout. Two Years On: Persona- ble Belgian proprietor Swa celebrated his birthday and a successful two years of operations for the air-conditioned Grand Center Café (Center Condo, South Pattaya Road) in early September. The café is popular with a number of locals and offers a nice place to relax and have a few quiet drinks or a game or two of pool. As an added bonus Swa has a Frequent Drink- ers Card, giving a 10 percent discount on libations. Everyone is welcome, not just Center Condo residents. A Rose by Any Other Name would be…Dutch: The three sois colloquially known as Day-Night 1,2, and 3 are fast becoming a real centre for budget-priced, filling, quality European cuisine. One of the latest additions is the Dutch Rose (Soi Day-Night 3), on the site formerly occupied by Purple Star. Freshly painted in yellow and dark blue, the noshery offers a daily set menu of starter (soup or salad), choice of about three mains (chiefly of Dutch-style cuisine), and either ice cream or coffee for 135 baht. There is a Muay Thai boxing gym upstairs for those who’d like to work off the excess kilos. The munching den opens from 2:00PM until 10:00PM each day. Bangkok Prices in Pattaya: A friend, recently returned from a brief sojourn in the fleshpots of onomatopoeic Bangkok, said the outside beer boozers on the inside of Nana Plaza were practically bereft of custom when he was there. The ogling dens didn’t seem much busier either. He noted the bar fines in the beer boozers were an astounding 600 baht and was hardly surprised when one bar owner said she’d had just one customer the night before. Apparently, the damsels being bar-fined receive absolutely zilch from the 600 baht. The high prices are designed with foreign businessmen who live and work in Hong Kong and Singapore in mind. They fly in for a weekend of mattress dancing that is still cheaper than what’s available on their own oriental turf; it’s also discreet, away from the prying eyes of workmates and paramours. It’s noticeable that a few boozers in Fun Town are starting to adopt a Bangkok-style attitude with bar fines in some outside establish-ments now running as high as 400 baht; a few Sierra Tango joints are asking 300 baht, plus a 100-200 surcharge for the room and a few ogling dens are now wanting eager punters to cough up 600-1,000 baht for the services of a chrome pole molester. Living Dolls and its sister Living Dolls Showcase (both on Walking Street) have a basic 600 baht fee. In the latter den, the bar fine for showgirls is 1,000 baht before 1:00AM and 600 baht after. In a sense I can understand the high impost: the shows are what puts bums (both literally and figuratively) on seats, and management doesn’t want to lose their star attractions too early. Please Check Your Wallet and Brain at the Door: Two unconfirmed reports from different sources are suggesting the Tony’s late night boogie barn (Walking Street) is engaged in serious price gouging regarding some libations. One claims breezer-type alcoholic liquids are being flogged off at 350 baht while another states that on two occasions he has chatted with young ladies who requested a drink. When the waiter comes over he claims he was pressured into looking at choosing one of those multi-coloured umbrella-sprouting concoctions at 300 baht a pop. He offered the damsel a beer instead. She declined. He then asked if she was working ‘undercover’ for the bar. She replied in the affirmative before moving off, no doubt to find less inquisitive prey. Although I tried to obtain a statement from the management of Tony’s no one seemed able to confirm or deny the allegations. Pulling the Punters In: The gynaecological videos might have gone, but the punters still keep visiting the Champion ogling den (Walking Street) in reasonable numbers. The chrome pole palace does well for three key reasons: they play good music (of the rock variety and therefore a drawcard for the over-35 brigade), libations are reasonably priced (draught amber at 45 baht all night; liver wasters at 75 baht), and there is a veritable brigade of dancing damsels of all shapes, sizes, ages, and breadth of experience. There’s even a show that would put a blind man in mind of having stumbled into a fish shop. Open For Biznet: Barely a day goes by in Fun Town without some new business venture designed to attract the nocturnallyadventur-ous being opened. Of course, for every action there is a reaction, and plenty of places seem to close their doors to the paying public with monotonous regularity. Recent openers have been the Megabreak pool hall in Soi Diana, situated next door to the small and extremely loud bar complex at the Second Road end of the street. It used to be the Bavaria House II munching den and then became Kiss II. I think it has more chance of success as a pool hall. Down in Soi Yamato, the French-run Jolies-Momes beer boozer has changed hands and crossed the English Channel as it were, it is now run by a Pom and has been re-named Absolute (not after the vodka as far as I can ascertain). At the driveway entrance to the old Fight Night Complex on Second Road (opposite Soi 13) a new beer boozer by the name of the Moonlight bar opened for drink dispensing business at the beginning of September. I’m led to believe the boozer is an English-run operation with the boss formerly associated with the popular Queen Vic boozer and noshery in Soi Honey Inn. While the Simon Drinking Street (Second Road, opposite Tiffany’s Show) and the plush Queen’s Park Plaza (Second Road, near Soi 6) both do a convincing impersonation of an expensive white elephant, a few weeks ago yet another small complex of beer boozers turned on the lights and started blaring out the music. This little crutch of mini-boozers are on Soi Buakhow, about 200 metres or so up the road from the colloquially-named Hangar (a.k.a. Cupido). The lengthy reprieve on the removal of the hangar, which had been slated to happen in the middle of last year, continues with no firm date for its dismantling. Some people see beer boozers and say “why?”; others see beer boozers and say, “why not?” Where’s Canute When You Need Him? I suppose if you happen to reside in a place with a name like Basingstoke you could be forgiven for over-indulging in the giggle sauce when visiting the exciting shores of Pattaya. A man we’ll call Steve, because that’s his real name, was spending a relaxing afternoon in a deck chair on Jomtien Beach a hard night on the tiles when he fell into a deep sleep. Steve obviously could sleep for England as he continued in his state of somnolence for so long that the next thing he knew the tide had risen to such an extent the water was lapping at his waist. The heavens had also opened up and a decent tropical storm was engulfing the beach. The worst part of all this was that his mates watched the whole bemusing episode. It’s not known if they intended to wake him before he drowned.

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Including a photo in your post is relatively easy, but it helps if you understand a little about how photos and the internet work. If a photo is to appear in your post, it must be stored somewhere on the internet. If it is just on your computer then other people could not access it. It can not be stored directly in a post. A post is just a collection of words and commands. A photo is a specialized file, so to appear in your post, the board must know where it is on the internet and what sort of file it is. Photos can be stored as many different file types and each type has its strengths and weaknesses. You can tell what type of file it is by the extension to the file name. The extension is the bit that appears after the dot. For example photo.jpg is a jpg file while photo.bmp is a bmp file. If you are using the Windows operating system you can hide file extensions. If this is the case with your computer then you won't see the dot or the bit after it. The reason file extensions are important is because they affect the size of the file. If you have a .bmp file it will be quite large in file size but very good quality. Files with .bmp extensions are not suitable for the internet because of their large file size. The best file types for the internet are .jpg and .gif. This is not a computer manual so I am not going to explain the difference but this forum will only accept .gif or .jpg files. If your picture is in another file format you will have to convert if first. The best choice is .jpg so if you have a conversion program, choose .jpg. The next thing to consider is how big your picture is in terms of height and width. This is measured in pixels. A pixel = 1 dot on your screen. The more pixels an image has, the bigger it will look on a computer screen. Most screens are 800 pixels wide and 600 pixels deep. If your photo is bigger than that, it will not fit on most computer screens and will not look good. A good size for a photo on the internet is not bigger than 600 x 600 pixels. So, if you have a photo from a digital camera or a scanner you may well need to convert it to .jpg and change the size to less than 600x600 pixels. There is one other option with .jpg files which most converters will show and that is the compression rate. The best choice is 50% or in some programs 5. Note: If you have a scanner or a digital camera, you would have received free software with it that enables you to convert your images. It's worth the effort to learn how to use it. If you have lost the software or it's to complicated for you, you can download a simple converter for free, by clicking this link. It will take you to a page where you can download a file resizer and converter. There are full instructions on how to use it as well. Enough computer babble lets get on with posting a photo to the board. There are 2 methods available to post a photo. METHOD 1 The simplest method is to attach it to your post as a file attachment. This method will work if the picture is on your computer, .jpg or .gif and smaller than 99,000 bytes (99k). 1) Open a new post and type in your message. 2) Click browse near the bottom of the screen, opposite the words file attachment. A window will open to your own hard drive. Browse to the photo you want to include in your post. 3) Click on your photos file name in the browser window. 4) Click on Open in the browser window. That's it. Post your message and the picture will appear at the bottom of the post. If you want to you can specify where in the post it appears by positioning your cursor at the appropriate place and clicking on add into post. You can repeat the process for multiple photos. There are a few things you should know about this method. Your photo will be copied and stored on the Pattaya Pages servers. It may be deleted from the server sometime in the future. That's because it is taking up space which we are paying for. METHOD 2 Store your photo on the internet and then link to it. Flickr (www.flickr.com) seems to be a good free storage site and they don't mind naughty photos as long as you keep them private. Photo Bucket (www.photobucket.com) is another free site you might like to check out. To post your picture from another web site to the forum you need to type in the url or web address of the photo with a special command. Get the url or internet address of your photo. You can often see it by right clicking on the photo and looking at properties. Once you know the url, open a post on the forum. 1) Click the IMG button above the posting window. A new window will open with the instruction to "enter the complete url for your picture" In a text box in this window you will see http://. That is the start of the web address. 2) Type in the url of your photo. It should look something like http://www.somewebsite.com/directory/somename/yourphoto.jpg 3) Click on OK. 4) Some code will appear in your post. This is the code to display the photo. Remember you must type in the url exactly as it is. One misspelling or a wrong capital letter, or a / in the wrong place and instead of your photo, you will get the dreaded red cross Show your appreciation ******************* Everybody enjoys the photos but it can be a lot of work and headaches for members to upload them. Show you appreciation by leaving comments where appropriate. When members get nice comments, they are far more likely to post more. Avatars (Personalized ID Photos) ************************** If you want to have a personal Avatar as opposed to the standard ones provided you can do so. Once again you must store the photo somewhere on the internet. Once it's stored somewhere, get the url. Go to My Controls on the forum and click on "Edit Avatar Settings'. Type or paste the url into the text box entitled 'Enter a URL to an on-line avatar image'. Avatars on the forum default to a size of 140x100 pixels. If your Avatar is a different size, you can enter the width and height below the text box. Photos larger than 140x100 will be automatically reduced to the dimensions you specify or 140x100 if you don't specify anything. It is more efficient to re-size the photo yourself, before uploading.

Lucky and Prosperous Seven: This year’s highlight charity event, the Care For Kids Jesters Children’s Fair ends on Saturday night 18 September with the Jesters Pub Night at Shenanigans (Second Road, next to Royal Garden Plaza). The night has a Seventies theme, so dust off the purple flares and the paisley body shirts and rock on down. The annual charity drive began in 1998 and has generated a vast amount of money and goods (not to mention goodwill) to help those far less fortunate than most of the rest of us. Congratulations and well done to all those who have given up their valuable time to make this yet again an event for which Pattaya ex-pats and regulars can be proud. An Elephantine Miscalculation: In my last missive I mentioned the inroads the Tiger amber fluid was making into the local booze market, stating it was giving Singha a run for its froth and head. An alert reader quickly pointed out Singha was no longer the market front-runner, that honour being held by Chang, with, he believes, around 60 percent of the liquid gold sales in Thailand. So it seems the Tiger might have the Elephant by the tail. Wouldn’t like to try and predict the outcome of that bout. Two Years On: Personable Belgian proprietor Swa celebrated his birthday and a successful two years of operations for the air-conditioned Grand Center Café (Center Condo, South Pattaya Road) in early September. The café is popular with a number of locals and offers a nice place to relax and have a few quiet drinks or a game or two of pool. As an added bonus Swa has a Frequent Drinkers Card, giving a 10 percent discount on libations. Everyone is welcome, not just Center Condo residents. A Rose by Any Other Name would be…Dutch: The three sois colloquially known as Day-Night 1,2, and 3 are fast becoming a real centre for budget-priced, filling, quality European cuisine. One of the latest additions is the Dutch Rose (Soi Day-Night 3) which is on the site formerly occupied by Purple Star. Freshly painted in yellow and dark blue, the noshery offers a daily set menu of starter (soup or salad), choice of about three mains (chiefly of Dutch-style cuisine), and either ice cream or coffee for 135 baht. There is a Muay Thai boxing gym upstairs for those who’d like to work off the excess kilos. The munching den opens from 2:00PM until 10:00PM each day. Bangkok Prices in Pattaya: A friend, recently returned from a brief sojourn in the fleshpots of onomatopoeic Bangkok, said the outside beer boozers on the inside of Nana Plaza were practically bereft of custom when he was there. The ogling dens didn’t seem much busier either. He noted the bar fines in the beer boozers were an astounding 600 baht and was hardly surprised when one bar owner said she’d had just one customer the night before. Apparently, the damsel being bar-fined receives absolutely zilch from the 600 baht. The high prices are designed with foreign businessmen who live and work in Hong Kong and Singapore in mind. They fly in for a weekend of mattress dancing that is still cheaper than what’s available on their own oriental turf; it’s also discreet, away from the prying eyes of workmates and paramours. It’s noticeable that a few boozers in Fun Town are starting to adopt a Bangkok-style attitude with bar fines in some outside establishments now running as high as 400 baht; a few Sierra Tango joints are asking 300 baht, plus a 100-200 surcharge for the room and a few ogling dens are now wanting eager punters to cough up 600-1,000 baht for the services of a chrome pole molester. Living Dolls and its sister Living Dolls Showcase (both on Walking Street) have a basic 600 baht fee. In the latter den, the bar fine for showgirls is 1,000 baht before 1:00AM and 600 baht after. In a sense I can understand the high impost: the shows are what puts bums (both literally and figuratively) on seats, and management doesn’t want to lose their star attractions too early. Please Check Your Wallet and Brain at the Door: Two unconfirmed reports from different sources are suggesting the Tony’s late night boogie barn (Walking Street) is engaged in some serious price gouging regarding some libations. One claims breezer-type alcoholic liquids are being flogged off at 350 baht while another states that on two occasions he has chatted with young ladies who asked for a drink. When the waiter comes over he claims he was pressured into looking at choosing one of those multi-coloured umbrella-sprouting concoctions at 300 baht a pop. He offered the damsel a beer instead, she refused. He then asked if she was working ‘undercover’ for the bar. She replied in the affirmative before moving off, no doubt to find less inquisitive prey. Although I tried to obtain a statement from the management of Tony’s no one seemed able to confirm or deny the allegations. Pulling the Punters In: The gynaecological videos might have gone, but the punters still keep visiting the Champion ogling den (Walking Street) in reasonable numbers. The chrome pole palace does well for three key reasons: they play good music (of the rock variety and therefore a drawcard for the over-35 brigade), libations are reasonably priced (draught amber at 45 baht all night; liver wasters at 75 baht), and there is a veritable brigade of dancing damsels of all shapes, sizes, ages, and breadth of experience. There’s even a show that would put a blind man in mind of having stumbled into a fish shop. Open For Biznet: Barely a day goes by in Fun Town without some new business venture designed to attract the nocturnally adventurous being opened. Of course, for every action there is a reaction, and plenty of places seem to close their doors to the paying public with monotonous regularity. Recent openers have been the pool hall in Soi Diana, situated next door to the small and extremely loud bar complex at the Second Road end of the street. It used to be the Bavaria House II munching den and then became Kiss II. Down in Soi Yamato, the French-run Jolies-Momes beer boozer has changed hands and crossed the English Channel as it were, it is now run by a Pom and has been re-named Absolute (not after the vodka as far as I can ascertain). At the driveway entrance to the old Fight Night Complex on Second Road (opposite Soi 13) a new beer boozer by the name of the Moonlight bar opened for drink dispensing business at the beginning of September. I’m led to believe the boozer is an English-run operation with the boss formerly associated with the Queen Vic boozer and noshery in Soi Honey Inn. While the Simon Drinking Street (Second Road, opposite Tiffany’s Show) and the plush Queen’s Park Plaza (Second Road, near Soi 6) both do a convincing impersonation of an expensive white elephant, a few weeks ago yet another small complex of beer boozers turned on the lights and started blaring out the music. This little crutch of mini-boozers are on Soi Buakhow, about 200 metres or so up the road from the colloquially-named Hangar (a.k.a. Cupido). Some people see beer boozers and say “why?”; others see beer boozers and say, “why not?” Where’s Canute When You Need Him? I suppose if you happen to reside in a place with a name like Basingstoke you could be forgiven for over-indulging in the giggle sauce when visiting the exciting shores of Pattaya. A man we’ll call Steve, because that’s his real name, was spending a relaxing afternoon in a deck chair on Jomtien Beach a hard night on the tiles when he fell into a deep sleep. Steve obviously could sleep for England as he continued in his state of somnolence for so long that the next thing he knew the tide had risen to such an extent the water was lapping at his waist. The heavens had also opened up and a decent tropical storm was engulfing the beach. The worst part of all this was that his mates watched the whole bemusing episode.

one

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A Plastic Raincoat and a Bag of Lollies: From the first day a clutch of U.S. Marines managed to get lost and rattle into the little fishing village that was then Pattaya, to the present when whole convoys of diesel-belching tour buses full of goggle-eyed north Asian vacationers clog the narrow streets of the international city, the world’s media has generally looked down its collective noses. Whole column inches of reportage appear pruriently engaged in fostering an image of a city awash with the kind of people who have given plastic raincoats a bad name. That your average garden-variety paedophile is attracted to Pattaya is not in question; only a fool would suggest otherwise. The vast majority of ex-pat residents and regular visitors to Fun Town have nothing but contempt for those who would normally be found lurking outside primary schools in plastic raincoats with a bag of lollies in their pocket. Now the distaff side of the gene pool is getting in on the act, not with children, but with the Thai men. A friend of mine, recently returned from the Land of Enlarged Crumpet, gave me a copy of a story that appeared in the 16 August edition of the Daily Mirror. It loudly proclaimed ‘The British girls who pay Thai boys for no-strings sex’. Included in the piece were a few short interviews with British women aged from 19 to 50 who happily come here and cough up a few baht to take a Thai man back for a night of horizontal folk dancing. The article used the phrase ‘dirty old men’ in the banner at the top of the piece and the word ‘sleazy’ managed to appear three times. The only reason the word paedophile didn’t receive a run was probably because the article featured British women paying for sex with Thai boys and not British men. One day the foreign media will wake up and understand Saint Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) who is quoted as saying: “Prostitution in the towns is like the cesspool in the palace. Do away with the cesspool, and the palace becomes an unclean and stinking place.” Children of a Lesser God: On Sunday 12 September the next Care For Kids Children’s Fair will be held, followed on 18 September by the Care For Kids Pub Night at Shenanigans (Second Road, right next door to Royal Garden). As per usual, Shenanigans landlord Kim Fletcher has been closely involved in the organisation of the event. Most regulars will have noticed by now the fawn-coloured wall that’s been erected in front of the popular alehouse. I haven’t been able to determine if it’s been constructed in the hope of preventing an attack by urban terrorists or by competitors hoping to hide the existence of the boozer. Get a Tiger in Your Tank: Filling the vacuum created by the departure of Carlsberg is the Singapore-based Tiger amber fluid. In just a short couple of months the new word on the lips of many amber nectar imbibers is “Tiger” where before it was “Daft Carsberg”. The brown liquid is being brewed in Nonthaburi and is quite cheap. Thai Asia Pacific Brewery, who also produces Heineken for the local market, is apparently aiming at making further inroads into Singha’s dominance. From my own observations of those who enjoy a beer or 20, the Tiger brand is proving very popular. A Taxing Subject: One of the most enjoyable aspects of my recent trip to England and France was the amount of good quality red wine I managed to pour down my parched throat. And the prices of the bottles were not outlandish, even allowing for the conversion (in my tiny mind) to Thai baht. Sadly, here in the Land of Rotgut Drinkers, the price of Australian wine, for example, is unlikely to drop much despite the fact the Thai-Australian Free Trade Agreement is due to kick off at the beginning of 2005. The agreement will only see a lowering of import tariffs, but the same method of adding the import duty (albeit reduced) to the excise duty to the sales tax to the VAT and so on, so I’m led to believe, will serve to keep the price of the delectable grape higher than it should be. I long for the day when a senior Thai politician or businessperson with behind-the-scenes clout decides to purchase a quality overseas vineyard or three. Then we might see a significant reduction in the taxes we wine lovers have to endure. Until then, another Tiger please. Like a Bat out of Hell: One of my friends claims the draft amber in the Tim ogling den (Second Road) is just about the best in Fun Town. “It’s always cold, has a great taste and is good value,” he says. Hard to argue, especially on the last point, as it’s flogged off at just 50 baht a glass. The music is always good although I do think it’s about time management spent a few baht of their profits and invested in a few new music videos. I don’t know whether it’s the time of night I happen to go in, but I have yet to come away without hearing a selection of Meatloaf songs, particularly ‘Bat Out of Hell’ and ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light’. Considering the poor lighting inside the chrome pole part of the boozer, ‘Bat Out of Hell’ could easily pass for their theme tune. I like these songs but, as the Spicy Girls management has proved, there are hundreds of music videos available for purchase. I only hope they don’t rush out and purchase a music video version of ‘Hotel California’. What Price to Rock Your World? It’s been creeping in gradually over the past few years, but now it seems as though price fixing has been introduced almost across the board in many ogling dens, and no doubt in some beer boozers. A few friends and I were having a pleasant libation or three in an off-Walking Street ogling den when one of the senior hostesses (or possibly the mamasan, I’m not sure) wandered over and handed me a written sheet that read: ‘Short time bar 600, room 200, lady 1,000; Long time Bar 500, Lady 2,000’. Now, apart from the fact this is blatantly illegal (after all, prostitution is banned in Thailand) it takes away all the fun of haggling. Around and About: I’m told the Las Vegas beer boozer in the Jomtien Complex is doing good business. It’s been amazing to watch an area like the Jomtien Complex go from being a white elephant with more shuttered doors than a warehouse storage facility to being a hub of fine dining and boozing in the space of less than 12 months. Another example of greed and avarice overcoming common sense. The Kennel beer boozer, situated in the lane between Pattayaland Soi 1 and 2, has moved. About two metres to the left. It’s my understanding the lease on the premises came due and the owner virtually doubled the rent, despite having a good long-term tenant in Scootish Dave. Luckily he had purchased the vacant Don Dero beer boozer in January 2003, so he refused his landlord’s attempt at financial gouging, shut up shop, and moved his operation next door. The ‘old’ Kennel is still looking for a new dog to fleece (or should that be fleas?). The site of the former Giligin’s ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 1) has been refurbished and is now open as a beer boozer named Nancy’s. It’s right next door to the Cockwell Inn, which I think has an inventive play-on-words sign above the entry. The OK Corral beer boozer, short-order noshery, golfing emporium and intelligent persons quizzing collective, now operating from its new premises in Soi Rungland (off South Pattaya Road) has dropped the price of its amber libations to just 50 baht all day, all night. Of course, as mine host Denis The Menace stated, “This doesn’t include bitter.” The Honey ogling den (Walking Street) opens at 7:30PM with a happy hour that runs until 9:30PM and, sensibly in my limited view, offers both draught amber fluid and lolly water at 50 baht. Also down in Walking Street, the Hooty’s ogling den has started opening its doors to the paying public at 3:00PM and in the hope of enticing punters through the portals has bottled amber and top-shelf liver wasters at 75 baht, as well as a two for one offer on house liver wasters for the same price. The happy hour runs until 7:30PM. Hooty’s, as well as its sister den Club Electric Blue, has engaged the services of the former manager of the now-closed G-Spot dine and dash establishment (Second Road). There’s no truth in the rumour the owners of the Blind Beggar Sierra Tango den in Soi Wat Boom Boom, Jomtien are planning to open a similar establishment in Sunee Plaza to be called the Blind Bugger.

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Condolences: The owner of the Nice & Eazy ogling den (Soi Yamato), Ken Austin, passed away in hospital in Birmingham, England on 7 August. He was suffering from liver problems and was just 39 years old. Our condolences to his family and friends. Try Saying This When You’re Drunk: The Chalalai Centre is a small clutch of around eight beer boozers situated diagonally across Second Road from the Tiffany’s Show in north Pattaya. From memory, the centre kicked off around five years ago and the various boozers have, perhaps not unsurprisingly, seem a plethora of owners come and go. The only real attempt at attracting much trade comes via a somewhat subdued lady-boy show that kicks off around 8:30PM and continues until midnight. Thankfully, the music from this little piece of entertainment is not loud and one major plus (Soi 8 and 7 beer booze owners please note) is customers can sit and have a quiet drink without having to shout at each other or the working damsels in order to be heard. The Centre has a relaxed atmosphere and sitting outside there’s usually a nice breeze to keep you cool. The working damsels might not be among the glamour dolls of the Pattaya night scene but most are friendly and not pushy, making it a nice place to chill out if you happen to be in the area. Gimme Some Hot Stuff: The 26th and latest ogling den to open its doors on Walking Street is officially badged as Hot Girls but is already being colloquially called Nui’s 3. Liver wasters and lady drinks are 95 baht, with lolly water at 85 baht. The den is up some narrow and steep stairs, daunting if you happen to have had a few too many inside the place and are attempting to descend. The place is narrow, but nicely appointed and well-lit; red upholstery and paint must have been on special when they were planning the colour scheme. There are three small stages with chrome poles around which two or three dancers strut their stuff. It has a friendly atmosphere and is worth a look if you haven’t been before. Around and About: Down in Soi Yamato, The Clinic beer boozer and sports auditorium has purchased extra tables and stools for those times when the numbers of couch athletes exceeds the available seating. Deadly Derek, one of the operators of the joint, is selling off a huge number of used paperbacks (one for 100 baht or six for 500 baht) in an attempt to prevent the Clinic resembling a used book-shop. The money raised will go to charity, so if you’re in the market for a book or three, check out the Clinic. Also down in Soi Yamato, one of Fun Town’s highly-rated French nosheries, Le Petrus, celebrated its sixth birthday during July. The frog-leg fanciers munching palace moved to its new premises, in the same soi, only a year or so ago and has continued to do deservedly well. After not much more than a year since they opened, the Elephant Man and his trouble and strife have flogged the Old Speckled Hen (Soi 9, Jomtien Beach Road) to a buyer who, so I believe, emanated from the wilds of Chiang Mai. A former founding partner in the Spicy Girls ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 1), the Elephant Man is now kicking back his heels while he decides his next move. One of Walking Street’s longest-established beer boozers, Black and White, is no more. It appears the Adidas store next door wanted to extend its premises and with the Black and White not doing the kind of trade it was doing back in the mid-1990s it was simply a matter of time before the place folded. The New Palladium late night boogie barn (Second Road) has shut up shop. The operators of the Palladium were also in control of the well-patronised Polo showtime ogling den in Walking Street and my spies tell me the profits from that operation were being diverted to try and keep the boogie barn afloat. Clear and Present Danger: As anybody who reads this column would realise, I loathe political correctness (PC). Taki, a 67-year-old wealthy Greek-born writer, recently made the following statement regarding PC in a Spectator column, ‘PC is humbug personified…PC is a persistent form of untruthfulness, which suits most politicians trained to lie and obfuscate. It is about pretending that things are different from what they are.’ Professor Geoffrey Blainey, one of Australia’s most interesting- and controversial- historians sees PC as rank hypocrisy: “the people who say it’s sinful to discriminate themselves discriminate.” Sadly the world of the PC-ites seems to be inexorably encroaching upon Pattaya soil. According to a variety of sources, at least one, and possibly two, of Pattaya’s foreign businessmen, both former Europeans, have struck a Faustian bargain with the local plod and are engaged in stings against bars offering short-term in-house horizontal folk dancing services. One of their first targets was the Jade House in Jomtien Nivate. What’s worse is the Jade House sting was instigated by a Belgian pillow-biter (to borrow Sir Les Patterson’s phrase) who has taken up the cudgels and become the self-appointed moral guardian of the heterosexual community. He has a flourishing business baking bread that he supplies to outlets all over town and I couldn’t give a mincing walk if he fancies boys instead of girls; his sexual proclivities are none of my business. So why was he involved in a sting in a Sierra Tango (S/T) boozer? Unconfirmed reports suggest part of the reason he is ingratiating himself with the plod is to help beef up efforts to flog a new product that, surprise, surprise, would go well in bars. There’s no moral dilemma being dealt with here. This is all about enhancing his business, in which I understand he is partnered with another long-time Pattaya operator. How long will it be before we see extortion attempts or some kind of protection racket evolve? ‘You take our product and we can guarantee you won’t be raided.’ So, what would happen if the owner of an establishment offering upstairs facilities for customers who’d like a bit of a lie down accompanied by a lady of easy virtue contacted the Belgian piles-driver in order to stock his product? Would he, maintaining his haloed principles decline the new business? I’ll give you one guess. These raids are a mere cover for a monetary shakedown. I’d almost be willing to forgive them if the boozers they were raiding fell into the category of the pair in Pattayaland Soi 1 that are locally-owned, in one case by a former peeler, and have for years had ‘bonded’ girls working in a short-time capacity, or the sleazy little joints in the back sois off Thepprasit Road. The bars being targeted at present are employing girls who know exactly what kind of work they’re getting into and choose to be employed by these places. No one puts a gun to their head and compels them to go with customers they don’t like; no one demands a cut of the money they receive from customers; in short, they’re free agents who happen to prefer operating from the confines of a bar rather than wander the streets and Beach Road. A real Pandora’s box has been opened here. This system is wide open to abuse, given the hidden agendas of some of the foreigners who are ‘volunteers’ with the police. Once somebody thinks they have power, not matter how moderate or inconsequential it may be, it’s not too long before they want to flex their perceived muscle. Once they’ve established a position with the peelers what’s to stop them using their perceived power and influence to intimidate bar owners they don’t like or have had problems with in the past? Remember, the intimidation won’t necessarily be confined to people in the bar business; restaurateurs and even individuals will have to be on their guard. The only way to reduce the chances of extortion or coercion would be to insist all volunteers are people with absolutely no business interests in Pattaya or Thailand. All bar owners should be on their guard and maybe spend half an hour or so one evening near the van parked inside the entrance to Walking Street so you can familiarise yourselves with the faces of your enemy. A couple will already be familiar. Take your mamasan. They have a great memory for faces and if one of these hypocrites does trying sneaking into your establishment she’ll be able to warn the working damsels to stay clear.

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THE LONDON CLOCK RACKS UP ANOTHER YEAR: The FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) played host to a birthday party for Big Ben, one of its stalwarts, on Wednesday night 21 July. The date just happens to coincide with Belgium’s national day. A Perfect 10: Not quite Bo Derek, but the 10th issue of the free Pattaya Nightlife guide has just hit the streets. While I was involved in the creation of the guide in the initial stages and for the first few issues, my only interest now is helping it continue to survive when and where I can. For those who don’t know, Pattaya Nightlife is a pocket-sized, glossy coloured guide to the boozatoriums of Fun Town. With street maps of places from Walking Street to Naklua, it’s easy to use and there is enough variety among the advertisers to keep all but the curmudgeonliest satisfied. For example, The Blues Factory (Soi Lucky Star, off Walking Street) bills itself as the ‘best live music venue in Pattaya’ while on the opposite page Spicy Girls (Pattayaland Soi 1) has ‘your favourite classics from the 60’s to the 90’s on music video’. In Naklua, Susibar, Tropic, Tutti Frutti and Hasenstall share the pages with the renowned Boutique Sexy, the place where everyone seems to head for outfits you don’t normally associate with prêt-a-porter operations.The intriguingly named beer boozer Black Pussy (Naklua Road) promotes itself as ‘the bar with the double heartiness’; a little effusive perhaps. One the other hand, the Aussie-run Best beer boozer (Soi simply guarantees ‘cold beer’ along with friendly hostesses. The former Spicy Girls Too, now rebadged as 2XS (Pattayaland Soi 1) has an eye-catching double-page advertisement while the former Jan Bar, now the Roo Bar in Walking Street finishes its promotion with ‘top accommodation and plenty of bullshit’. I love it. Other regular advertisers in the publication are the Goldfingers ogling den, Lek eclectic musicatorium, Only Fools and Horses beer boozer (all in Soi 7); Atlantic beer hall near Soi 3; We Are The World on Beach Road near Soi 8; Alamo (Soi 8, promoting their chilli hot dogs with the phrase: ‘stick your dog in a warm bun and relish it’) A new advertiser is the Easyriders beer boozer and live music venue, situated opposite the famous Tiffany’s Show and up the road from the now defunct Palladium late-night boogie barn, on Second Road, North Pattaya. There are a few mistakes that need correction. For example, Sheena’s Place in Soi 8 has long gone; Toi’s Tavern has been re-named in Soi Skaw Beach; the word ‘Lodge’ is misspelt for both Garden Lodge (Naklua Road) and Flipper Lodge (Soi and the hotel in Soi Lengkee is Opey de Place not Obey (although this may refer to the style of management; ‘you vill obey ze instructions’). These are minor errors in an otherwise handy publication that should be available on a regular basis from hotels and boozers around town. For further information, check out the website: www.pattayanightlife.de Seven Year Itch: On Monday evening 10 August the Buffalo dine and dash establishment on Third Road will be celebrating its seventh birthday; it is also owner Etty’s birthday, although she is a little longer in the tooth than a mere seven. I’m told the colour theme for the night will be pink and white and with over 70 damsels ‘on the books’ it promises to be a fun night. Textbook Increase: According to a pair of dancing damsels who work at the long-running Classroom ogling den in Pattayaland Soi 2, the bar fine for chrome pole molesters has been increased from the industry standard of 500 baht to 700 baht. One of my more reliable informants tells me Living Dolls Showcase (Walking Street) imposes a whopping 2,000 baht bar fine for its showgirls. Clearly the aim is to discourage punters from enticing the showgirls away from their chrome pole cavorting duties. It’s my understanding the non-showgirl dancers are still available for long or short-term organ recitals and etching viewings if the 500 baht bar fine is paid. Dancing for Dollars: The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) held its first dance contest for three months on Monday night 19 July. The owners waived the usual 200 baht and one free drink entry for a contest that featured a total of 12 competitors from Big Willies (Soi Diamond), Classroom (Pattayaland Soi 2), Honey (Walking Street) and What’s Up (Soi 15) as well as two teams from the home bar. Victory went to a Diamond dancer (apparently a new recruit who formerly plied her trade in Living Dolls Showcase; that probably goes a long way to explaining why she was so good). The runner-up came from Big Willies with Diamond also taking third position. The winner of the contest also won the Miss Flower title.The management of Diamond has also unveiled plans to hold a tattoo contest at some time in the future. The idea, yet to be fully firmed up, is to encourage ladies sporting interesting or unusual tattoos to sashay about the chrome poles displaying their artwork for aficionados to admire. More about this as and when it comes to fruition. Folie a Deux? The Folies Pigalle ogling den (past the big tree on Walking Street) has changed hands yet again. This time it was taken over at the beginning of July by the former owner of the old Spicy Girls Too ogling den (now 2XS in Pattayaland Soi 1) in partnership with the operators of the Goldfingers chrome pole palace in Soi 7. I wish them luck in what has been one of Pattaya’s more difficult locations. It started life back in late 1994 as Cheerleaders, closed down about April 1995 and later re-opened as Drop-In before being sold around two years ago and renamed Paris Pigalle and then Folies Pigalle. Lady drinks are industry standard at 95 baht, as are liver wasters; the music is better than average; they need more chrome pole molesters, although those they do have vary from veterans of many a campaign to newer faces. Now the Fun Starts: Thursday 1 July saw the official opening of the 2XS ogling den down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1. The den opens each afternoon around 4:00PM and offers Heineken draft amber at 35 baht until 8:30PM when it goes up to a still-reasonable 50 baht. Chang bottled amber retails at just 40 baht all night. The new owners readily admit to being on a learning curve (although I would liken running a chrome pole palace as being more akin to being on an out of control roller-coaster). If they can survive and improve their operation through the low season then come November they should be ready to prosper through the better months. I certainly wish them luck in what can be a difficult soi. Timeless Quality and Quantity: From the first time I ever set foot inside the Super Girl chrome pole palace in Soi Diamond I have always used it as a yardstick by which to measure the rest of the operations in Walking Street. It would be unfair to compare those outside this area against it. Libations are 90 baht across the board, no discounts and no happy hours. The music, as with its elder sister Super Baby across the way, is crap. But the plethora of dancing damsels are among the finest examples of womanhood in Pattaya, so much so that the music is almost superfluous. It’s amazing how your ears seem to go to sleep when your eyes are so busy darting hither, thither and yon. I think in nearly 20 years of journalism I’ve never found a use for that phrase (hither, thither and yon) before; and I hope never to do so again.

And so to Sunny England: No I’ve not gone completely barking mad, just taken a small leave of my remaining senses and this edition’s offering unfortunately is somewhat of a hybrid. Since I have been out of Fun Town and in England for the two weeks prior to the publication of this newspaper, I can’t very well report on the comings and cum-ings, and occasional closures, of the various boozatoriums around town. Of course I could leave a blank page for Pete to fill in whatever fashion he saw fit: gardening tips, 101 ideas for a rainy day (I found a book with just such a title in a second-hand bookshop in Kuching, the capital of the Malaysian state of Sarawak recently), skin care for octogenarians. Instead, since I would be in the Land of the Great Unwashed, I thought it might be interesting to share with readers some interesting tidbits about that wonderful city of London as presented in a book entitled London: The Wicked City by Fergus Linnane. I’m led to believe Fergus Linnane is the author’s real name, not some form of Irish skin lotion. For Australians of a certain age, England, and in particular London, was always seen as the first stop for travellers before embarking on a tour of continental Europe. Nowadays, for Australians of a certain urgent desire, the Philippines and Phuket, and increasingly of late, Pattaya, have become the landing zones, because the Thais don’t mention Australians and sheep in the same breath. The Poms keep chiding us with sheep jokes involving fornication; don’t they realise it’s the Kiwis who are the sheep shaggers? All the Australian sheep I’ve ever laid eyes on were ugly, although I do remember once spying a nice little merino on the road near Gunnedah…Interesting pieces in Linnane’s book include the nicknames of two well-known 18th century prostitutes: Polly Nimblewrist and Jenny Speedyhand. I’ve no doubt a number of the working damsels of Pattaya would be delighted to learn the secrets of the nimble wrist and the speedy hand, although in my limited experience of these things it does appear as though many may already have reached an understanding of the art. Ladies of the evening who were infected with gonorrhea were known as ‘fire-ships’, for obvious reasons. This is the country with St George as its patron saint; apparently he not only protects against dragons, he’s also called upon to look after syphilis. Lord Rochester, who died at the age of 33, was a contemporary of King Charles II- whose Royal sword was said to be ‘of a length’and known for his libertine behaviour. Despite this, he was to England what Senator Mechai Viravaidya has been to Thailand, promoting the use of condoms and cautioning against the dangers of unprotected coitus. It’s not recorded if Rochester ever owned a restaurant with a catchy name, unlike the good Senator with his Cabbages and Condoms noshery.Rochester continually fell foul of Charles II and was for many years considered nothing more than a writer of pornographic verse. The great English novelist Graham Greene wrote a biography entitled Lord Rochester’s Monkey but had to wait 40 years before a publisher had the guts to print it. Linnane notes 1858 was known as the ‘Year of the Great Stink’: the river Thames was virtually an open sewer; which year should be labelled in similar fashion for the area around the old pier at south Pattaya? The streets of Victorian London were full of child prostitutes, but flagellation was the real turn-on for the upper classes. The Victorians really did go in for a good spanking and flagellation became known as le vice anglais by the French. That may be, but I know Fun Town’s fetish joint, The Castle (Third Road, formerly The Cave) is managed by a Frenchman. Then again, I am led to believe the birchmaster is a Pom: perhaps a retired barrister, vicar or vacationing admiral. One person wrote of the appeal of a good old flogging within marriage. ‘There is a unique attraction in whipping one’s wife or being whipped by her hand. I hope a time will come when all quarrels will be settled by hand.’ He’d have made a beeline for The Castle every night, never mind the 900 baht for your first drink. Personally, I have a great liking for London, a city of such abundant history and amazing architecture, but I confess the first thing I’m going to do when I return to Pattaya will be to make a pilgrimage to Walking Street and offer up lady drinks at a number of shrines featuring chrome pole molesters. A Welcoming Hand: Mention of nimble wrists and speedy hands leads me to make the observation that more than a few chrome pole huggers have taken to using the secret handshake when greeting potential victims who have stumbled into their lair. The handshake is not something the lasses acquired while attending haggis-slashing ceremonies in Lodge 69181 of the Freemasons; this handshake is one known to all habitu?s of the various Sierra Tango (S/T) boozers scattered the length and breadth of Fun Town. It involves a dancing damsel sidling up beside you and then laying her paw in the general area of the middle stump, to borrow a cricketing term. Sometimes it’s subtle, more often it’s so overt the damsel dispenses with all preliminaries and simply takes matters into her own hands without preamble.The secret handshake was never a major part of an ogling den dancers’ armoury, but perhaps they’ve noticed the success their dine and dash establishment sisters have had with the ploy and have figured it’s a great way to increase their chances of being bar fined. Every time I take a seat now in an ogling den a line the movie director Alfred Hitchcock made his secretary speak to guests at his 55th birthday party comes to mind: “Ladies and gentlemen, would you all come into the other room and have a piece of Mr Hitchcake’s cock.” Perhaps the best way to overcome the temptation of the secret handshake is to take up the former French foreign minister Talleyrand’s admonition to his staff to ‘knock the top off’ the one-eyed trouser snake before venturing out to play. Then again, wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of being in Fun Town? Learn to be Ambidextrous: Nowadays, keeping a weather eye on the goings on in Pattaya is not difficult even when you’re not physically there. The great World Wide Wank allows everyone to log-on and link-in to the happenings in Pattaya and among the best sites are the English-run Pattayagogo guide . com and the German-run Pattayanight life.de. If you can’t remember the internet address of your favourite chrome pole palace, all you need do is go to the Pattayagogoguide site and follow the bouncing ball. Service With a Smile: The ogling den, beer boozer, dine and dash, and noshery business in Fun Town is precarious at the best of times and competition for the elusive baht is fierce. A place may have all the necessary attributes to make it a boomer, yet it can attract little or no custom for a variety of reasons. One major problem for many business owners is the staff. The people employed to take care of customers are, primarily unwittingly, involved in the field of public relations and as such it only takes a few harsh words and the od intentional or sometimes unintentional rip-off to start rumours that can do untold damage to a place. Those places that seem to do consistently well, and are therefore the envy of many of those who don’t, follow the simple tried and tested formula of looking after the punters who walk through their doors. Old-fashioned service, a friendly smile, a quick chat is all it takes to keep most people happy and willing to come back again and again. Of course, price is a factor, especially if customers are discerning, but if imposts are high but fair then that generally determines the frequency of visits rather than whether somebody will come back at all. This Town Ain’t Big Enough: The OK Corral beer boozer, golfing emporium and intelligent persons meeting place (Soi Skaw Beach) will shortly be moving lock, stock and beer barrel to a location in Soi Rungland, off South Pattaya Road. Watch this space for further details.

It's done

These problems are nearly always caused by your cookie settings or a firewall. You need to make sure that your browser will accept cookies from this site and you firewall will allow them to pass too.

Thumper Go to the Frequently Asked Questions forum at the top of the list. Click on - How can I make the fonts bigger. Follow the instructions.

As far as I'm aware there are no active x controls on this site. I have no idea what is causing this problem but like cybers1b, I doubt its the site causing it. I've just started using Firefox instead of Internet Explorer and I must say I like it a lot. More screen space, works faster , seems to use the cache better, easy install and picks up all your IE bookmarks and settings and completely free. Why don't you guys give it a go. you can download it here - Firefox Web Browser It's more secure than IE too!

San Miquel are setting up their own brewery in Thailand. Originally they announced it would be two or more years before the product was available however they have just purchased an existing facility and that will speed up the process. No announcement yet as to when we can get the product but I suspect sooner rather than later.

Cat Scratch Fever: If ever the word ‘quirky’ could be used when referring to a particular ogling den I think it would apply to the Kitten Club (Pattayaland Soi 2). An adjunct of the equally quirky Penthouse sleeping palace, the owners are not afraid to spend money in promoting their establishment. The den is laid out like the proverbial dog’s breakfast, the music is deplorable and they charge like wounded buffaloes for lady drinks: an incredible 135 baht. That said, there are plenty of chrome pole molesters, most easy enough on the eye to keep the majority of punters interested. There are two pool tables, but only one is usable at most times and it’s certainly popular. I wandered in on a Monday night and the place was busy enough which suggests despite my own misgivings the management is doing something right. A New Curriculum: Across the road from Kitten Club is the long-running Classroom ogling den. It changed hands some time ago but the status quo remained until recently when a new style of ‘uniform’ was introduced for the dancing damsels. The 'schoolgirl look’ has been retained although now the schoolgirls are decked out in black tight-fitting mini skirts and crop-top t-shirts instead of white shirts. It’s a ‘sexed up’ look I’m certain meets with the approval of most customers. Unfortunately, the owners seem to have caught the Pattayaland 2 malaise when it comes to gouging punters who purchase lady drinks with the impost now 130 baht. The Tide’s In. One of only two ogling dens along Beach Road, the World Wide chrome pole palace is one of the early openers, kicking off at 2:00PM. The music is OK without being exceptional and, as with most off-Walking Street places, it has a mixed bag of dancing talent. It’s a big boozer and therefore hard to make look busy, but the seating is comfortable and the benches at the side are at a good height for looking at the dancers. Libations are reasonable with lolyy water, for example, at 60 baht and lady drinks 95 baht. In the latest edition of the Pattaya Nightlife guide they advertise ‘60 sweet girls’; I think that’s a touch of hyperbole with the owner probably counting the day and night shift’s separately. Even so, there are plenty of girls and I’d be surprised if the average imbiber didn’t find someone for whom he could be persuaded to buy a herd of buffaloes. They do the occasional show and one of these has a plastic wading pool as its prop. To the strains of ‘Hotel California’ (no matter where you go on any given night this song will seek you out and hunt you down), a couple of lasses lather-up with soap and water and give each other a good scrubbing. Of course, it might just have been part of a flood training drill. Here’s Looking Up Your Kilt: The Mandarin Club fluid exchange boozer (Soi 6), as those who have wandered in would know, is a two-floor operation with a glass dance floor on the second storey. Ever since the French-run establishment was opened plans were being laid to turn it into a pseudo ogling den. This is indeed what has happened in recent weeks, with a number of the ladies employed to fondle the one-eyed trouser-snake now shaking their groove things to the delight of patrons seated on both levels. A Case of Blue Balls: While we happen to be down there- Soi 6 that is- I was told a story I feel should be repeated but no names used. A person- we’ll call him Ian- who hails from, let’s be on the safe side and say Wales, was wandering down Soi 6 with a few friends when they decide to drop into a dine and dash establishment for a light refreshment. One of Ian’s friends gave him a small sachet of Viagra cream, telling him if he applied the contents to his middle stump it would have a similar effect as the famous little blue pill. Ian toddles off to the lavatory, drops his strides, opens the sachet and applies the gel to the recommended nether region. Unfortunately, it seems as though the contents left a blue dye on his hands as well as his magic wand. A little bit of quick thinking and a knowledge of history and I’m certain Ian could have claimed to be a descendant of the Celts, some of who used to smear their bodies in blue war paint when preparing for a rumble on the battlefield. Instead Ian decided the blue balls and member, not to mention his hands, would be more likely to have potential female partners fleeing in terror, so he waddled across to the wash basin, raised himself up and plonked his tackle into the sink, turned on the tap and attempted to remove all traces of the dye. Another customer happened to wander into the lavatory while Ian was engaged in his unusual ablutions. Without batting an eye he wandered off to attend to the call of nature. Anywhere else in the world the local gendarmes would have been called post-haste to arrest a man exhibiting lewd behaviour in a semi-public lavatory. Here in Pattaya, it’s almost par for the course. Where Have all the Punters Gone? Wandered into the Kittens chrome pole palace (Naklua Road) late on a wet Sunday night a couple of weeks ago to find a bar bereft of imbibers and dancers. In fairness, it is low season and the Germans and Austrians have packed their lederhosen and gone back to the warmth of central Europe, and it was a wet evening. Nonetheless, it’s disappointing to watch a bar that used to be one of the best in Pattaya now looking as if it’s merely surviving on past dreams and glories. According to one of the serving lasses, the den employs around 13 chrome pole molesters (there were just six left when I wandered in). There was nothing wrong with the small band I saw, the music was pretty good and with draught amber at 49 baht all night (other libations are around 95 baht) it must still attract an occasional crowd. One definite mistake is the pricing of the on-premises gobble and go offering. According to the serving lass, the bar fine is 500 baht, the room is 100 baht and the damsel in demand is 1,000 baht. Total: 1,600 baht. As my friend remarked at the time, “I’d rather pay 1,200 baht and get a good-looking beer bar girl and take her long time. ”The Lamp’s Gone Out: The former Aladdin noshery (Second Road, near Pattayaland Soi 2) has had a facelift and a name change, to Munch Snack, and now has pool tables, an Indian menu and rooms for rent. The Kiss munching den in Soi Diana, situated on the site of the old Bavaria House II, has also closed down. I presume people who were dining at the more established Kiss just down the road didn’t see the point in walking 50 metres up the road. Down in Walking Street, the Amazon ogling den has been sold. With Chang amber fluid at 125 baht (including a free shooter) and a relatively small clutch of dancing damsels it never held much appeal for me. I like value for my baht and would much rather spend 90 baht in Super Girl (Soi Diamond), for example, and ogle 50 or more of the most attractive chrome pole huggers in town. Paying almost 40 per cent more for a drink to see a lot less is not my idea of fun. The Susie ogling den (Soi 4) has also closed its doors. Hardly a surprise considering the place only had three or four dancers (and they were fat) and wanted to snip punters 120 baht for a drink. Sometimes you really are left wondering where the owners of these places find their ideas. My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Well spotted and thanks for pointing it out. I've fixed it. Pete

This is covered in the Frequently Asked Question section at the top of the forums - How to upload pics. The 20k restriction is what you can upload using the built in uploader. If you upload the pic to your own or some other websoace then there is no restriction, however an Avatar should be small in size anyway as it is only 140x100 pixels. Although the forum will reduce a larger photo to fit, it is much better and much more efficient if you resize the pic before uploading.

Jerry I'm not sure what is causing you this problem. As far as I know everything is working correctly and others, including me are logging in OK all the time. Can you be more precise about what happens when you try. Error messages etc. Have you clicked on the remember me button. if you are logging in from the same computer click remember me and log ins will then be automatic. One thing you could try is clicking on "Delete cookies set by this board" at the bottom of the main page. Then log out and log in again. It may be that you have a corrupt cookie on your machine.

The Spicy Girls music play list is probably the most extensive in all Fun Town with more than 1,400 songs, and of these, there are over 700 accompanying video clips. Punters are able to choose any songs they’d like to hear from the play list; just ask a waitress and she’ll bring you a ‘menu’. If you like music from the 60s through to the 90s, and none of it techno, then you should be able to find enough to keep you entertained all night long. For Ewan’s birthday a member of the swine family will meet its maker and be found skewered and roasting outside the den. As usual, it is requested balloon chasers become acquainted with sex and travel, in other words, f**k off. A Novel Event: The well-known Canadian ex-pat writer Christopher G. Moore will be in Pattaya on Saturday 19 June to officially launch his new tome Pattaya 24/7, the latest in the Calvino private detective series. The event has been organised by Bookazine and Christopher Moore will be on hand at the Green Tree noshery and beer boozer (Beach Road end of Soi 1) from 11:30AM. Anybody purchasing a copy of the book or any of his other titles will receive a 10 per cent discount. I have to confess to having read only two of Moore’s extensive range of books, but can recommend A Killing Smile. A Horse, a Horse, my Ogling den for a Horse: Although it has undergone a series of changes with regard to ownership (or more correctly, partnership) and management as well as music format, the one eminently sensible thing the new brooms kept in the Carousel ogling den (Soi Diamond) was the revolving stage. As for the dancing damsels, there were a couple of faces I recognised who must surely be on some sort of pension plan with the den as they’ve been on the active list for so long. Then there are a few who have yet to pass their first semester in chrome pole polishing school. It would be difficult for even the most curmudgeonly patron not to find someone with whom he couldn’t at least raise a smile. Certainly the place is almost always well patronised, the sign of a successful operation. The new style is Bangkok-ian in that one clutch of 10 or so dancers assembles on the stage and do a turn for a brace of tunes and then they are replaced en masse by another batch of 10 or so. Call me superstitious, but one of the reasons Carousel might well be enjoying such a good run is the return of the horse. The inanimate nag had occupied pride of place in the centre of the revolving stage for many years before being wrenched away and put out to pasture, probably in a broom closet somewhere. This was after having had a colour change from white to jet-black. The nag reappeared a few months ago, albeit at the side of the stage. Unfortunately it now looks more like an over-sized and deformed Dalmatian: mainly white, but with black spots all over its sturdy frame. Nevertheless, I sense its leering grin is a little cheerier this time around. Corporal La Farge Reports: Every year the Thai military has a major re-shuffle of senior positions within its ranks, an exercise that always puts me in mind of a silly game of musical chairs. A similar style of musical chairs is also played out most nights in Pattaya with sundry ogling dens seeming to take it in turns to be closed down for 30 days or so for the criminal offence of permitting their dancing damsels to engage in monetary-induced wardrobe malfunctions. It often appears as though the methodology behind bar closures is decided on a whim. I imagine a senior copper reaching into a bowl of multi-coloured numbered balls, removing one, reading a number- say “69”- to one of his cronies who then checks a list and tells his chief, “Big Knockers, Soi 10”. And so, accompanied by a dozen gendarmes and a few slavering media hacks, they clamber aboard the nearest plod jalopy, screech out of the parking lot and head off in the direction of Soi 10 with the sole purpose of bringing law, order, and clothing decency to the Big Knockers ogling den in that benighted street. After surrounding the joint, they burst through the front door, truncheons in hand, and discover, to their shock, a number of females cavorting around chrome poles in a manner of undress unacceptable in polite society. The den is forthwith closed for the next 30 days and the manager hauled off to face the wrath of sundry official types who demand monetary recompense. A few of the under-dressed damsels are also carted away, although not in tumbrels to the guillotine for being class traitors, but merely to the pokey to be relieved of a few hundred baht in fines. Just in case you are not aware, the ‘winner’ of the middle of May prize of a 30-day enforced holiday was the Paris ogling den (Soi Diamond), followed by Hooty’s (Walking Street). Those who have fallen foul of the law in recent times include Goldfingers (Soi 7), on more than one occasion (recidivists that they are), and Champion (Walking Street). Others rumoured to be in danger of imminent closure include Peppermint and Happy, both in Walking Street. A couple of others have missed out by the lick of a tongue, especially one ogling den featuring a show where young damsels are wont to kiss those parts of another females’ anatomy not normally exposed to the chill night air. One of my well-informed spies told me a senior peeler in plain clothes walked into the den literally a minute after the ‘oh-that’s-what-you-had-for-breakfast’ show had ended. Guide Me In Scotty. Lighting in the 50-plus ogling dens across Fun Town varies from the sublime to the ridiculous, and one place that must have one of the lowest electricity bills on record is the Tim chrome pole palace (Second Road). The lighting is almost nonexistent (ala Tahitian Queen, Beach Road), and is perfect for a bat; at least it can use sonar to find a seat. Of course, lighting is used to hide all kinds of design faults in a number of the dancing damsels. The cold light of a street lamp must surely sober up a number of patrons who have elected to pay the bar for a dancer, only to discover she doesn’t look remotely the same outside the boozer as she does inside. Of course, to be fair, this doesn’t just apply to Tim’s; plenty of other ogling dens have dim lighting for similar reasons. The place is always well patronised and owner Tim seems to have the knack of being able to keep people coming back time and again. The appeal of Tim’s is the good music, with accompanying videos in many cases, the pool tables out the back and the generally laid-back atmosphere of the joint. You will be hassled for lady drinks and asked if you wish to purchase snacks, if not for yourself then for the ladies who have flocked to your table. The snacks may well be a reason why quite a number of these girls could do with a Weight Watchers voucher or two. Off the Beaten Track. Another ogling den offering a good selection of rock and roll style music is X-Ray (Soi Zero). The den offers Chang draught amber at 45 baht all night with Mekong rotgut at 65 baht, bottled amber fluid and liver destroyers at 95 baht. Lady drinks are over priced at 100 baht. There are a dozen or so dancing damsels and I’m led to believe if they do have a shortage of chrome pole molesters for whatever reason, the slack is taken up by importing lasses from the associated Classroom 2000, just down the road in Soi 2. Apart from the usual chrome pole shuffle, there are a few shows to liven up the evening. One involves three rumbustious lasses cavorting about the stage with rubber whips and doing the eat me, whip me, chain me to the bedpost overnight and ravish me with fresh vegetables show. It certainly had me wondering if they’d previously been the star turn for S & M at The Castle fetish boozer on Third Road. nightmarch@hotmail.com

A Few More Chukkas Added to the List: As regular readers will know, I like spending my idle moments in ogling dens, in preference to beer boozers. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the odd evening out and about chatting with females who are generally more fully clothed than your average garden-variety chrome pole molester; it’s just the ‘what you name?’, ‘where you come from?’, gets tiresome after a while. Equally, I like the show dens and recently revisited an old favourite, the Polo ogling den (Walking Street) to see what changes, if any, had occurred since my last look inside. Most regulars will know the place is usually packed to the rafters with north Asian tourists, their hands wrapped around a bottle of Coca-Cola and their horn-rimmed glasses steaming up as they stare, mouths agape, at the scantily clad dancers on stage. There a number of new faces who have joined the performing troupe and while most of the shows remain the same, a couple of new ones have been added to the ensemble. One of the new routines, unfortunately, strikes me as a waste of time. All the dancers congregate on stage and flap about like a waddle of demented geese for what seems an eternity before they all troop off. Drinks are still a standard 120 baht for anything from a glass of water to a vodka tonic; although libations for the hostesses are 85 baht for lolly water and 120 baht for anything containing an alcoholic substance. Worth wandering in for a change of scenery. Rockin’ in the Far East: A few issues ago I noted the Far East ogling den (Soi Post Office) had a clutch of chrome pole molesters who were, to put it mildly, not only over the hill, but rather larger in the girth than your average Thai damsel. Just to prove that everything in Fun Town equates reasonably well to Hemingway’s autobiographical work, A Moveable Feast, my last couple of visits to this chrome pole palace have been quite enjoyable. There’s no doubt in my mind that within the confines of Pattaya lurk a number of men who couldn’t care less whether a dancing damsel has a boat race rivalling a Vogue front cover or a sleek and slender body of catwalk proportions, what really turns them on is the sight of an exposed map of Tasmania, with or without the bushy bits. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se; each to their own, especially in the egalitarian confines of Fun Town. Far East Rock, and its sister across the way, Club Nevada, certainly caters to the closet gynaecologists among us and it has to be said, most of the females in both establishments are friendly and seem to have perfected the one-eyed trouser snake handshake, which would be familiar to most habitués of Sierra Tango (S/T) establishments. A Sea Change: Wandered into The Sea ogling den (Soi Diamond) recently and although the music is crap, the chrome pole molesters, both in terms of numbers and quality, were better than at any time in recent mammary sorry, Freudian slip, I meant memory. Draught amber fluid still goes off all night at 55 baht; liver destroyers are a little pricey at 105 baht and giggle juice for the dancing damsels is average at 95 baht. While most of the sweet young things have played more games of ‘hide the salami’ than a veteran butcher, this a den to definitely put on the ‘to visit’ list at present. I’m Your Private Dancer, Dancer for Money: The Private Dancer ogling den (Walking Street), really Champion in disguise (just don’t tell the plod), has hardly missed a beat since its alter ego fell foul of the local authorities and the operation relocated upstairs. Wardrobe malfunctions are practically de rigueur, perhaps the extra height above sea level causes unexplained shrinkage, and there’s no shortage of chrome pole molesters. Draught amber is available at 45 baht all night and ladies lolly water, in a decent glass, goes off at a reasonable 85 baht. The music is good but my one real complaint is the constant hassle to buy a thirsty damsel a drink. It also annoys me when the mamasan, upon noticing that a dancing damsel has yet to lay claims upon your person after a minute or two, will order a chrome pole hugger to come over and begin applying her charms. Fifteen seconds later a serving wench will be at your side asking, “You buy drink for lady?” Of course this whole ploy is designed for maximum embarrassment to you, the customer, if you refuse. Human nature being what it is, probably 95 percent of customers (especially newcomers to the delights of Fun Town) will nod meek acquiescence. Of course, should you refuse you are likely to be called ‘keenio’ (Cheap Charlie). Some dens are worse than others for this practice, and Private Dancer (Champion) ranks among the worst. My personal rule of thumb is simple: if I want a particular damsel to sit with me and spend her time then I will buy her a drink; if an attractive damsel wanders over of her own accord and I find her interesting to chat with, the same applies. If her opening words are “What you name, where you come from, buy me drink?” then I usually tell her, as inoffensively as possible, to go and play dodgem in the Sukhumvit Road traffic. Champion has re-opened after its enforced closure, but there’s no truth in the rumour that the dancing maidens are now reciting poetry and taking up calligraphy to supplement their meagre incomes. Short-term organ recitals, conducted in the privacy of one’s hotel, can be had for the usual monetary consideration. Let’s Do Lunch: If you happen to enjoy a baguette, be it for breakfast or lunch, Café Ole (Soi Day-Night 2, off Soi 17) does the best in town. A baguette with ham and cheese, a small glass of orange juice and a cup of real coffee (or iced coffee if you prefer) retails at just 75 baht. Terrific value for money, although the cheese, sadly, is the processed variety. Something new, something smashed: The old Internet café above the Super Baby ogling den (Soi Diamond), from which I have no doubt many thousands of plaintive emails declaring undying love, devotion and requests for urgent monetary assistance emanated, has gone to the cyber-cemetery and been replaced by an air-conditioned beer boozer named Heaven Above. In Soi 7, the German beer garden and restaurant, whose name escapes me, is no more. Not only have the gates been shut they, along with the rest of the structure, have been demolished. Probably a 7-11 or a Family Mart will rise from the rubble. Goldfingers ogling den, at the Beach Road end of Soi 7, re-opened on 20 May. My understanding is that it remains with the same ownership as before. Back in the Swing: For a long time one of my favoured ogling dens was Spicy Girls down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1. Sadly, for a few months it seemed to lose a number of its better chrome pole molesters and the couple of times I went in I was disappointed, to put it mildly. That all seems to have changed and when I wandered in recently the den was almost overrun with dancing damsels, and a couple or three had my below-the-belt brain working overtime. As one of my friends remarked, “Thank God they don’t play that techno crap. The music’s good in here.” That’s never changed. Good rock and roll, lady drinks are probably the best value in Fun Town at 70 baht, there’s 45 baht Chang amber all night and happy hour runs between 7:00 and 9:00PM with liver destroyers at 70 baht and bottled amber at 60 baht. Dampen my fevered brow: OK, it’s free plug time again. As most readers would be well aware, the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) ran a series of monthly inter-bar dance contests during 2003. Although photography is banned in chrome pole palaces, in-house photos were taken during the series of contests and the best of these have been collated and are now featured in a 32-page glossy magazine entitled Dance Fever, the Best of the Diamond A-Go-Go Dance Contests 2003. Currently on sale for 250 baht the magazines are available from, naturally, the Diamond ogling den, as well as DK Books (Soi Post Office), DK Bookmart (Beach Road end of Central Pattaya Road), OK Corral (Soi Skaw Beach), Boutique Sexy (Naklua Road), Center Condo Café (South Pattaya Road), among others, and via the Internet at www.dcothai.com The magazine will not be reprinted and so it will become a collector’s item.

The site is broken. Dave is working on it and normal service will be resumed in due course. This from Dave ... The sole reason for all our problems on both the main website and the forum is quite simply down to the fact our Genial webhosts in their wisdom decided to upgrade their server software without informing any of their clients they we about to do it. As a result of this they have totally screwed up the site as well as all my databases which are used for the forum. Thankfully there problems are not terminal, and are recoverable, I am now working to get everything back in order hopefully very shortly. So if anyone happenes to tell you the site is down because of being hacked by anyone! you can tell them that is total rubbish from me! Once the site/forum is up and running again I will be making a statement on their as well as emailing all the members as to the cause of the recent problems. Kind regards Dave G