To All US Citizens - A Must Read

[pilotman 3]

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

 

 

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of

the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over

all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does

not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America

without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping

half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as

'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of

the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn

your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro's are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as

Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They

are also part of British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all

can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a

Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese

grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or

wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly

thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host

an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we

will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies

due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. Only He can.

John Cleese

[zaphodbeeblebrox 0]

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

You mean we won't be able to hack our therapists into a million pieces with a meat cleaver anymore?

 

Thursday, February 14, 2007 (AP)NEW YORK — A man hacked a psychologist to death with a meat cleaver at her Upper East Side office and seriously injured another therapist who tried to help her, police said.

 

The search was on Wednesday for the man as police tried to determine whether he was a patient of Kathryn Faughey. She was stabbed to death Tuesday night in the office suite in a bustling neighborhood just blocks from a major hospital complex.

 

Police recovered three knives from the scene, including the cleaver and a 9-inch knife also used in the attack. A suitcase on wheels filled with women's clothing and adult diapers was also found, along with another bag filled with eight smaller knives that were not believed to have been used in the attack.

 

"The condition of the room was that of a fierce struggle," police spokesman Paul Browne said at a briefing Wednesday. "There was blood on the floor and on the walls."

 

A detailed sketch of the suspect and surveillance videotapes of him entering and leaving the building were released.

 

Police said the man, wearing a green overcoat and baseball hat, arrived at the office about 8 p.m. Tuesday, saying he had an appointment with Dr. Kent Shinbach, a geriatric psychiatrist who worked in the same office suite as Faughey.

 

According to police, the suspect walked past a doorman, into the waiting room and then into Faughey's office. As he assaulted her, police said, Shinbach ran to help.

 

The assailant then attacked Shinbach, pinning him to the wall with a chair and stealing $90 before escaping through a basement door. Shinbach was in serious condition at a hospital with slash wounds on his head, face and arms.

 

 

Thanks for the update on an old John Cleese schtick. Oh - and Happy Valentine's Day.

Edited February 14, 2008 by zaphodbeeblebrox

[Sailfast 503]

It's not John Cleese.

It's not Robin Williams.

 

It's been emailed, forwarded, posted and edited so many billions of times over the years that it's hardly worth putting a name to it.

 

Funny the first time, but, it gets posted and emailed so often that it sets us real John Cleese fans on a rampage

 

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

[pilotman 3]

Understood, but it was the first time I had seen it and it doubled me up, so I thought it good to share with those who haven't yet seen it.

[BigDUSA 71]

All I can say, come and take them. If I remember correctly we handed you your hat on the way out of Yorktown and we did it again in New Orleans. Seems like the Brits are thick as a brick. You never learn.

Edited February 14, 2008 by BigDUSA

[eltib 54]

April 1st is a month and half away.

[sinbinjack 243]

All I can say, come and take them. If I remember correctly we handed you your hat on the way out of Yorktown and we did it again in New Orleans.

With the USA and the UK both being in the crapper I think I will pass and let you sort out your own problems as we have enough problems of our own.

[CheshireTom 1,377]

All I can say, come and take them. If I remember correctly we handed you your hat on the way out of Yorktown and we did it again in New Orleans.

 

Of course ........... but that would be some considerable time before your ancestors emigrated to the US from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.

[Winston_Churchill 2]

All I can say, come and take them. If I remember correctly we handed you your hat on the way out of Yorktown and we did it again in New Orleans.

Again you have proved what a total wanker you really are,what will your daughter be able to say about what her daddy did in Nam???

you wanna start bragging about what bin laden did? i very much doubt it

[cadcad 0]

Admittedly we do have our problems just like everyone else, but as I sit here in sunny Arizona I wonder what the weather is like in London?

[rpl4422 0]

Does this meanwe have to eat shit food like Blood Pudding and Fish Fingers and Drink Tea in 100 degree weather and watch shit TV like CrossRoads UPstairs Downstairs and watch A-Holes kick a ball around a pitch for 90 minutes I think we will Pass

[MC_Ldop 40]

Understood, but it was the first time I had seen it and it doubled me up, so I thought it good to share with those who haven't yet seen it.

 

Too bad you don't understand what the Off Topic section is for.

[Winston_Churchill 2]

Does this meanwe have to eat shit food like Blood Pudding and Fish Fingers and Drink Tea in 100 degree weather and watch shit TV like CrossRoads UPstairs Downstairs and watch A-Holes kick a ball around a pitch for 90 minutes I think we will Pass

We don't have to do any of those arsehole, do you still watch Dallas,taxi and the simsons? nowt wrong with black pudding i wont begin to start about our worlwide watched premier league football and your world series (only shermans play in it) we blew the bugle in 39 we were alone where the fuck were you?

Edited February 14, 2008 by freddythai

[BigDUSA 71]

Again you have proved what a total wanker you really are,what will your daughter be able to say about what her daddy did in Nam???

you wanna start bragging about what bin laden did? i very much doubt it

 

It's sad you don't have a sense of humor.

 

 

we blew the bugle in 39 we were alone where the fuck were you?

 

Sitting on the sidelines watching the so called "civilized Europeans" beat the shit out of each other. As soon as Hitler declared war on the US we came in and beat them for you. If I remember this was the second time in the 20th century we came to your rescue.

[midlifecrisis 4,030]

If the queen could just give us a few more months, we should have the colonies completely f'd up by 2009.

 

BTW, in fairness you can't have areas that previously belonged to the Dutch, French or Spanish. I hope that doesn't make this deal less appealing.

 

Edited February 15, 2008 by midlifecrisis

[rogercw 3]

England is in the process of converting to Islam. Will we have to do this also?

[capdagde 1,954]

England is in the process of converting to Islam. Will we have to do this also?

 

If it's only England people can always move to Wales or Scotland. Let them eat cake....

 

Lots of Poles too, does that mean the muslims will all have to become catholic? Hope so....

 

Thanks for the OP pilotman. I hadn't seen it but enjoyed it. Notice you don't have a flag - wise move.

 

Shame to see how prickly people can be over a bit of fun.

 

Andy Cap

Edited February 15, 2008 by capdagde

[Bruce Mangosteen 418]

As stupid as it is old.

[stevedirtman 0]

Maybe Canada could adopt us!?

[pilotman 3]

Ha MC Ldop, whatever the fuck that means; what's off topic then? This was my topic mate and I am a Member, so that's where it went! You must be a civil servant, accountant, lawyer or just naturally rules driven!

[MC_Ldop 40]

This was my topic mate and I am a Member, so that's where it went! You must be a civil servant, accountant, lawyer or just naturally rules driven!

 

The subtitle of the member's section says, "General discussion on anything and everything to do with Pattaya." Anyway, it doesn't matter. This has been moved to its proper place.

[capdagde 1,954]

Oh shit! ....... it's a funny. Sorry I'm European and hadn't worked it out. Only have to read some of the replies to see that I wasn't alone. Thank Buddha someone saw sense and put it where it belongs.... wouldn't do to make a mistake like that.... indeed no.

 

Andy Cap

Edited February 15, 2008 by capdagde

[Sailfast 503]

England is in the process of converting to Islam. Will we have to do this also?

 

 

 

Email the ARCHIMAM OF CANTERMECCA for a free conversion kit.

 

Subjects of the Queen:

 

If you are one of the first 100 converts you get an original, collector's, keepsake, fake beard straight from the Life of Brian set.

 

Also, if you act now..Cat Steven's greatest hits on eight track or cassette! (CD's have been banned.)

 

 

 

*sorry, Welshmen are excluded from this offer.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDe9MPqyAfw To play the "Spot the fake beard game".

Edited February 15, 2008 by Sailfast

[stuarty 2]

It's sad you don't have a sense of humor.

Sitting on the sidelines watching the so called "civilized Europeans" beat the shit out of each other. As soon as Hitler declared war on the US we came in and beat them for you. If I remember this was the second time in the 20th century we came to your rescue.

 

Beat them for you, what a load of shite you speak, fuckin ignorant bastard.

[midlifecrisis 4,030]

Email the ARCHIMAM OF CANTERMECCA for a free conversion kit.

 

Subjects of the Queen:

 

If you are one of the first 100 converts you get an original, collector's, keepsake, fake beard straight from the Life of Brian set.

 

Also, if you act now..Cat Steven's greatest hits on eight track or cassette! (CD's have been banned.)

*sorry, Welshmen are excluded from this offer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDe9MPqyAfw To play the "Spot the fake beard game".