Monkeywatch - April 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, an Easter showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more unlikely happenings from the Land of the Rising Cock.

 

A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English.

A park and helipad on Pratamnak Hill has been forced to close at night following a series of assaults and rapes of Thai and foreign couples who had gone there to enjoy the scenery during the wee hours. Bad news for joggers, doggers and choppers.

 

Police and local officials have been cleaning up Walking Street, though mercifully only with detergent and brooms, in an effort to make the place more presentable for the Colours of the East festival that was held recently to promote tourism in the area. Not sure what colour represents Pattaya. Red or blue perhaps. It ain’t green, that’s for sure.

 

Pattaya is promoting greener forms of transport though…

 

 

Police are carrying out investigations at a rifle range in Phuket after a British tourist shot himself in the head. Makes a change – if the ‘Bangkok Airport’ TV series is to believed, most Brits end up shooting themselves in the foot. There was a very similar incident in Jomtien about three years ago where police said the bloke offed himself on his third visit to the shooting range. He must have been a seriously lousy shot.

 

Yet another Indian quality tourist has been assaulted on Beach Road and robbed of his cash, in this case 50,000 baht and 2500 dollars. Well that’s what he told the police anyway, at which point they told him he was a stinking pig and slung him out of the station for wasting their time. The insurance companies’ staff must piss themselves laughing when they read some of these reports.

The Pattaya Music Festival was something of a break from tradition this year, as nobody seems to have been shot or had their head kicked in during the entire proceedings. In fact, the only musical mayhem reported during the period was on St Patrick’s Day when notorious Irish band Pick A Window were involved in a punch-up at a local bar following a religious difference of opinion between their harpist who was half pissed a monk who was drunk. The monk had apparently caused offence by referring to St Patrick as “an ignorant red-faced mick”. Then the support band Dregs Of Humanity and most of the patrons got involved and all hell broke loose. The police duly arrived and arrested the whole motley crew, who were held in custody until their court appearance on April 1. A likely story.

Looks like Batman’s gone for a swim…

 

 

Time for a bit of bar news, and we start with the loss of another old Pattaya institution, Diamond A Go Go, which has finally closed its doors. Okay, the place may have been a load of old crap in recent years, but who can forget those amazing dance contests they used to hold in better days? We may never see the like again. However, the balance in the area has been restored a bit with the return of Supergirl under new management. Coyote Club on Walking Street is now Eclipse so expect it to live up to its name and go dark in the not too distant future. On the upside, it is a proper Go Go so hopefully it will endure. Skyfall has been temporarily closed for ‘staff retraining’ after a fracas during which one of their doormen assaulted a Pole with a pole. Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada.

It was reported last week that a bunch of wild pigs and stray dogs were living together in South Pattaya on a dumping ground for garbage. Must have been talking about Soi 16.

 

Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists.

 

Three drive-by snatches were reported to police in the space of only two hours early the other Thursday morning. Does anybody know what a drive-by snatch is? Could it be something like this but selling something more interesting than alcohol?...

 

 

Naval ordinance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works.

 

There was motoring mayhem in Pattaya last Sunday when an American woman went berserk behind the wheel and wrecked 13 vehicles before police shot out her tyres and arrested her. The woman’s claim that she was training to be a baht bus driver was ignored and she was ordered to pay a heavy fine plus full damages and medical expenses to all injured parties. She’ll need an awful lot of fares when she gets her baht bus to pay that load off. Silly cow.

It’s army conscript time again and with it comes the annual debacle of sorting out the katoeys who’ve fallen foul of the draft lottery, declaring them to be mentally ill and sending them back home. Don’t know why they can’t join the army. Reckon they’ve got the balls for it.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual I look forward to your monthlies, or perhaps your periodical outpouring. . Whatever, its a bloody good read.

[TheFiend]

As alway a cracking read Monkeyman!!!

[michaelday]

"Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada." Priceless!

 

Thanks for making me laugh!

[Nightrider]

Great stuff as usual monkey.......

[MeGoDanceNow]

"Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada."

 

I didn't get that one at first. I thought he was talking about getting hit with a TV.

[MM]

"Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada."

 

I didn't get that one at first. I thought he was talking about getting hit with a TV.

Okay, I'll admit it. I still don't get it!

[MM]

Okay, I'll admit it. I still don't get it!

 

Oh, "grenade"...duh. Well done, monkeyman.

[jacko]

"Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada."

 

I didn't get that one at first. I thought he was talking about getting hit with a TV.

I thought he meant a Ford Grenada. :

[DrPat]

Excellent work as always!

 

I particularly enjoyed the section on Pratamnak Hill and the ‘couples who had gone there to enjoy the scenery during the wee hours.’ That’s my favourite perversion.

 

(Even Martin should understand that one.)