Monkeywatch - April 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s humble offering.

 

US tour operators have urged Thailand to make greater efforts to attract American tourists. They might, however, wish to reflect on the possibility that the bans on drinking and smoking on the beach, vaping anywhere at all and the attempts to rid the country of pool tables, dance floors, dartboards and card games may just suggest that attracting American tourists isn’t exactly at the top of Thailand’s current agenda.

 

Thailand has launched a big crackdown on cichlid traffickers after an official misread a directive from the national authorities. Local prisons are now overrun with small fish, but the big fish all got away scot free. No change there then.

 

Thailand and Pattaya’s new family friendly image took a bit of a knock the other Wednesday after 18 family tourists were killed in a small traffic incident. It’s still a great place to bring the family though– particularly if you want to go home single.

As Liverpool Football Club is very popular in Thailand, they’ve chosen Pattaya to launch a new range of club-branded toiletries, including a fragrance aimed at fans who’ve never used one before. They’ve named it “You Never Wore Cologne.”

 

New signs have been put up on Beach Road to remind tour buses not to allow their passengers to disembark outside the designated parking areas…

 

 

Not content with darts, pool and dancing licences, the authorities have announced that, with immediate effect, sex will be prohibited in Pattaya unless the participants are in possession of a sex licence. There is, of course, no such thing as a sex licence. To make sure this new directive is strictly enforced, no girl will be able to leave a bar with a farang unless they’re accompanied by a monk. It’s still unclear at this time whether or not a barfine will be payable for the monk.

 

Local inspectors have visited Soi 16 (aka Soi Stinking Pig and Mohammed Alley) to investigate the aftermath of the fire caused by a faulty transformer that burnt several bars to the ground. They’d just agreed that the incident had improved the look of the area no end when some nearby power cables ignited due to a short circuit and set fire to a local restaurant. The building was hastily evacuated and no casualties were reported except for one of the waiters who fell over and bent his dickie.

There’s a disturbing trend where airlines flying to Thailand have been downgrading their Scum Class cabins by adding an extra seat to each row. A spokesman for one airline said “If passengers find it too cramped, they can downgrade even further to Stinking Pig Class where we get rid of the seats altogether and chuck in a cartload of straw and a few shovelfuls of elephant shit.”

 

Buy one of these supersize bottles of water and you get a free fizzy drink and a complimentary brick…

 

 

Bring on the bar news, and we start with a new Walking Street venue called Maxim A Go Go that’s replaced the short-lived Marylyn A Go Go. Let’s see how long this one lasts. Club Eden on Soi Diamond closed down only three days after it opened, allegedly because they didn’t have the right licences. It’s now reopened – guess they must have chucked the dartboard out.

Actually, there’s been a development on the darts saga, namely that the formerly mythical darts licences can now be applied for (bloody hell, that was quick.) However, having looked at the processes one has to go through to obtain one, it’d probably be easier to get hold of a licence to produce weapons of mass destruction.

 

Misbehaving monks have been in the spotlight yet again after one of them was filmed having a crafty wank on a bus. No police action appears to have been instigated, so it looks like his character will be unstained – which is more than can be said for the seat of the bus.

 

Another whiff of yesteryear, with a couple of old tales from Monkeywatch back in April 2008…

 

“A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin.

 

Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard.”

 

Always wondered what happened to the old entrance to X-Zone…

 

 

You know how cramped aircraft toilets are? Well a bloke flying home from Thailand decided to have a wank in one of them and accidentally slammed his dick in the door. The flight attendants managed to get him loose and gave him a free upgrade to First Class as they thought he’d done it deliberately and so assumed he was a freemason.

 

As the mountain of garbage on Koh Larn continues to grow unabated, local officials have been ordered to deal with the problem by employing “less thinking and more acting.” Isn’t that how they deal with everything?

 

A video has just been released in which the authorities proudly claim that Pattaya is about to become the Miami of Asia. As in Miami Vice?

 

As it’s All Fools Day this month, eagle eyed readers may have spotted one or two little fibs cleverly concealed between the unwavering truths of the other stories. If you didn’t, the stories that couldn’t possibly happen in real life were the true ones.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Thanks again for the monthly message of hope. It took me three reading to twig the Liverpool one.

 

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[monkeyman]

Thanks again for the monthly message of hope. It took me three reading to twig the Liverpool one.

 

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

 

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

[jacko]

 

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

Copied and shared......

[Bushcraft]

Nice one Monkeyman, "Mohammed Alley" made me laugh out loud. I suspect that name will stick as it gets well-known.

[MeGoDanceNow]

 

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

 

 

Perhaps the monk on the bus misread it and thought it said "You'll Never Wank Alone"?

[ronno]

"no girl will be able to leave a bar with a farang unless they’re accompanied by a monk. It’s still unclear at this time whether or not a barfine will be payable for the monk."

 

Always wanted a threesome but this one seems suspect?