Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

Little Johnny comes running home and boasts to his mother "I just had sex with my French teacher". His mother was disgusted and told him to go and speak to his father. Hearing the story, his father smiled and said " instead of waiting for your birthday let's go and buy that new bike I promised". Johnny grimaced and said "can we wait till the weekend?". "Why?", asked his father. " 'Coz my arse is sore" replied Johnny.

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

The Romans built one too, but the world is still full of bloody Jocks.

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

[Britboy 428]

Couple of oldies but goodies . . .

 

Two Irishmen decide to go fishing on the river one day. They hire a boat, row out to a pleasant spot and start fishing. Within 10 minutes they're pulling out fish left, right and centre.

Mick looks over to Paddy, who's painting a big X on the side of the boat.

Mick says "Why the fuck are you doing that Paddy?"

Paddy says "This is such good fishing I'm painting an X so we can find this spot again".

Mick says "Don't be such a twat, we might not get the same boat next time".

 

Guy goes to the optician and says "doc, I think I need glasses".

The optician takes him through the shop, out the back door and points to the sky. He says "can you see the sun?"

The guy says "yes, of course I can".

The optician says "well how much fucking further do you want to see?"

[VPI78 11,528]

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three whiskies.

After he has put them on the bar, the barman says to him”That’s not like you, Paddy, you’re normally a Guinness man!”

Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had my first ever blowjob!”Great!” says the barman,

“Have another one on the house!”

To which Paddy replies, “No thanks, if three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”

[Bob Belzy 150]

Feeling depressed, an aging ex-boxer visits the doctor.

"Doc, you've gotta help me", he moans. "I just can't get to sleep at night".

"Have you tried counting sheep?" the doctor asks.

The boxer sighs, "Yes, but every time I get to nine I'm wide awake again".

[MrMango 672]

Guy goes into a bar and orders a  beer, and sees the bartenders dog in the corner licking his dick.

He tells the barkeep, I wish I Could do that!

The barkeep says, you can!!!

But you  have to pet him first....

 

 

 

 

[VPI78 11,528]

2 hours ago, MrMango said:

Guy goes into a bar and orders a  beer, and sees the bartenders dog in the corner licking his dick.

He tells the barkeep, I wish I Could do that!

The barkeep says, you can!!!

But you  have to pet him first....

 

 

 

 

Reminds me of another ... why do dogs lick their balls ... because they can.

[VPI78 11,528]

• Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”
  “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
  “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
  “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

[Bob Belzy 150]

Seems you have got Paddy and Mary a bit fucked up, but then it is an Irish joke.

 

Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick” replies Mary.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Paddy.
“He’s got a boat,” says Mary

Edited May 1, 2019 by Bob Belzy

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]

An eager young bull and a wise old bull stood on a hilltop, admiring the herd of cows in the meadow below. 
 

"Say, why don't we run down there and each screw a cow?" the young bull enthused.
 

The wise old bull replied, "How about we just stay up here and you blow me?"

[atlas2 4,329]

US Jewish couple visit Jerusalem.

Wife dies......

"Vot do you vant to do Manny? Ve can bury her here for $100 but to fly her home .eeeee...its gonna be about $20,000. 

"Fly her home."

"I respect your love Manny, but Vy go for such expense?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders...."Jesus was buried here....And after 3 days he rose again....Why take the chance?"

Edited May 2, 2019 by atlas2

[atlas2 4,329]

A friend of mine says he lives next door to some guy with Alzheimers

He says every morning the guy knocks on his door and ask if he's seen his wife? So every morning he has to explain to  his neighbour that his wife died 2 years ago.....

He's thought about not answering the door, or lying to the guy...But he says he loves seeing the big smile on the guy's face when he tells him.

 

Edited May 2, 2019 by atlas2

[awesum4 2,333]

4 hours ago, VPI78 said:

An eager young bull and a wise old bull stood on a hilltop, admiring the herd of cows in the meadow below. 
 

"Say, why don't we run down there and each screw a cow?" the young bull enthused.
 

The wise old bull replied, "How about we just stay up here and you blow me?"

Same joke but the punchline is;

The wise old bill said "why don't we stroll down there and we each screw several cows"

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

There was a young man from Bude

Who fingered his barfine while they queued

A katoey at the front, said "do I smell cunt?"

Just like that, right out loud; fucking rude!

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]