PattayaPete

I have the JI net 2600 baht package. My experience has been variable but generally OK for Thailand. Like Sunny I was having daily outages but they replaced some equipment in the exchange last month and I have not noticed any since then. Speed is variable but the 512/256 package I have usually runs around 380/190 which is not to bad. I went through a month of never getting downloads faster than 210. After at least 20 calls to their tech support in which they blamed heavy traffic (at 3 am?) then my router and then my computer, I finally managed to figure out with TT&T that the line was configured incorrectly at the exchange. T T&T seem to have some technically competent people but JI Net staff are not very knowlegeable. My package is definitly unlimited for international traffic and I use it excessively, downloading high definition movies at 15 gigabytes a pop. I've never had a problem with this. Dealing on the phone or by email seems to be generally a waste of time. Their websites also seem to be out of date with wrong prices and non-existant packages. The easiest way to get the JI package is to go to the TT&T store at Carrefore and apply. You definitly need a T T&T line for the JI-net. I am heading off shortly to discuss a faster connection with CS Loxinfo. They have just sent me some info claiming to provide a 4096/512 connection for 2400 baht a month., unlimited traffic. They do say this promotion is only for TOT lines within the ADC network. I have a TOT line as well but have no idea how far the adc network extends. I'll let you know a little later how I get on.

Pattaya Pattaya The Fat Over There Cracks a Fat Over Here: The spread of the West is continuing apace. A recent report suggests Australian women are fatter than they were 10 years ago (empirical observation when I return to my homeland suggests this is entirely correct), are not interested in exercise and, more importantly, aren’t very excited about mattress dancing. They’d rather curl up with a good soap opera or watch some inane reality TV show. The results of this study, I wouldn’t mind betting, could be extrapolated to include American and British womanhood as well. The knock-on effect is this: male visitors from these countries are so desperate for a sexual encounter with anything other than their hand they are willing to pay almost any price to get laid. An example. I was told of a dancing damsel in the Far East Rock ogling den (Soi Post Office) who went for a short tryst with a customer but demanded a fee of 2,000 baht for her charms. He paid it. I don’t blame her for attempting to fleece a man with a hard-on; her job is to get as much as she can for as little effort as possible. The clown who coughed up this amount probably would use the care-worn excuse, “Back in England I’d be payin’ 4,000 baht to get me leg over.” Add in the cost of the airfare, transport and accommodation and work it out on a daily rate and then tell me it’s cheap. If you are the person who succumbed to this ambit demand you deserve to have the word ‘moron’ tattooed across your forehead. What Price a Short Time? According to accounts from people living in and around Bangkok when the Pacific phase of the Second World War began at the end of 1941, a short time with a prostitute cost 75 satang (the equivalent of 37 US cents at the time). At the same time, for purposes of comparison, the monthly rental of a wooden house was 15 baht. I’m led to believe, by those who frequent places of this nature, that a short lie down in one of the many establishments along Soi 6 will set the average punter back between 250 and 300 baht for the bar fine and 500-700 baht for a personal guided tour and testing of the lying-in facilities. It’s Up to You, Pattaya, Pattaya: “If you can make it here/ you can make it anywhere/ it’s up to you, New Yoik, New Yoik,” is, from memory, one of the lines of a song entitled ‘New York, New York’. I have been reminded of it in recent times by verbal statements, letters to the editor and a section in Stephen Leather’s new book Private Dancer belittling many of the foreign men who choose to live out their lives in Thailand, and especially Pattaya, rather than their own countries. These tiresome old chestnuts are dusted off and trotted out by people who can’t believe anyone would want to live in a cesspit such as Pattaya, or Thailand in general. They believe anybody living and working here is only doing so because they are incapable of ‘making it’ back in their original home, a First World Developed Nation. Why, they opine, would anybody come to a Developing Nation and ply their trade, whatever that trade may be? They can’t possibly make as much money as they would in their own country. While this is true, in general, it ignores one key factor: not everyone gives a flying toss about making guano cartloads of moolah. Mind you, there are plenty who do, so what about the late Bob Kevorkian, John Everingham (of ArtAsia Press), and Bill Heinecke (head of the Minor Group) to name just three highly successful businessmen who have lived in Thailand for umpteen years? Are they the exceptions who prove the rule? Possibly. As a journalist and writer I have gained far more inspiration living here than I ever did back home in Australia. That may be because much of what interests me on a personal level is available in spades in countries such as Thailand, Cambodia and Laos. Could I potentially earn far more money working back in Australia, or spending time in Britain as a journalist, than here? Of course I could. Do I want to? Not a bloody chance, because I know I wouldn’t have anywhere near the fun I’m having. Equally, I believe I could quite happily settle down somewhere in Africa or Central America and find a million things to pique my journalistic and writing interest. I still wouldn’t receive the same amount of money I could earn in the Land of Oz, but I don’t care. I’ve never been particularly interested in the accumulation of money. If I were I surely should never have been a journalist. Better to have been a property developer or even an ogling den owner (despite their constant moaning about dwindling profits, very, very few ever seem to leave the business; if it was so bad, why do we see more and more of the genre being opened?). To be perfectly blunt, one key reason why so many foreigners settle down in Thailand, and especially Pattaya, is the ready availability of cheap, no-strings, sex. As one wealthy ex-pat American man told me, “That’s what’s great about here and the Philippines and Asia, the sex is taken care of. This allows you to concentrate on doing other things.” What he meant, of course, was that if you required some form of sexual intimacy at almost any time of the day or night, it’s easily available and obtainable at prices that won’t empty the bank. Of course, what tends to happen is foreigners become involved with one particular girl and life starts to look more and more like the West. If money, and the amount you have of it, happens to be the only arbiter of success, then the vast majority of foreigners living here are abject failures. If success is measured by the number of days you wake up and can’t wait to get out and about and see what’s in store, then I think Pattaya is a great place to be. “It’s up to you/Pattaya, Pattaya.”

Gogo Diamond dance contest! Keep on Keeping On: The last in the Diamond gogo (Soi Diamond, off Walking Street) series of monthly in-house dance contests was held on Sunday night 24 April and, after a slow start, no less than 40 dancers cavorted before the assembled multitude. As per usual, the pace picked up in the second round when only 16 girls were left with a chance at the thick end of the prize-money. With cash prizes for first, second and no less four other finalists as well as the two best costumes and Miss Flower (the damsel for whom members of the audience purchase the most number of red roses), no less than 13,000 baht is handed out. For a long time now, Diamond has been the only gogo in town offering regular dance contests and it seems the popularity of these events never wanes. At the time of going to press I don’t know when the next contest is due, although at this stage I would think it will either be Sunday 22 May or Sunday 29 May. Delayed Libation: According to a second-hand story I was told about lady drinks in the Kilkenny lounge lizard libation room and noshery (Walking Street), the waitresses wear a T-shirt that reads: ‘Don’t Stare, Buy Me a Drink’. Deciding the pithy little phrase was deserving of some recognition, one punter, a well-known thriller writer, decided to buy a waitress a drink. She thanked him and asked for a glass of Guinness. The customer was a little miffed when the waitress came back with a chit but no drink. When he asked her where her drink was she told him she couldn’t drink partake of the libation while she was working and would have to wait until she finished her shift at 1:00AM. Apparently the girl was knee-high to a grasshopper and would be lucky to finish a glass of water let alone a pint of Guinness. The punter wasn’t overly impressed with the explanation and considered the action a bit cheeky: after all, if he’s going to cough up for one of the most expensive drinks on the list you would think he would at least be able to have the pleasure of watching his ‘victim’ consume the said liquid. Whether this is a policy in the bar or not I have no idea, or it may be the damsel was simply employing a little creativity in her efforts to improve her earnings for the day. All Froth and Hot Bubble: The newly opened Grottino Bakery (Soi Day Night 2), situated diagonally opposite Ole, the popular German noshery with the Spanish name, is doing good business and without doubt has the best cappuccino this writer has tasted in Fun Town. The place is air-conditioned and the cappuccino comes piping hot and tasty in a large cup for just 50 baht. Forget franchises like Starbucks and Coffee World, the quality of the coffee in Grottino is in a class of its own. Around and About: The Highway Star gogo (Walking Street) has a happy hour extending from 8:00PM until 10:30PM with draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut at just 45 baht. A narrow den with not more than a clutch of damsels caressing the chrome poles at one time it’s worth including towards the end of a ‘happy hour’ run. The management of the What’s Up gogo (Soi 15, off Walking Street) also offers draught amber at just 45 baht, but this is for all night rather than a few hours. The music is average and loud, the seating is comfortable and there are plenty of reasonably friendly dancing damsels to feast your jaded eyes upon. In Soi Diamond, the Paris chrome pole palace always has an abundance of dancers although most of them are of the hard-core, veteran variety. As an example, on a recent visit two of the dancers hardly bothered with such mundane preliminaries as ‘What you name? Where you come from? How long you stay?’ Instead, they went straight for the jugular: ‘Buy me dlink’. These are the sort of girls who can chew up a newbie and spit him out for breakfast. Even the serving wenches possess ‘attitude’. After paying for my drinks the change brought back to me consisted of a 20-baht note and 10-baht coin. Naturally, I picked up the 20-baht note and left the 10-baht as a tip. The waitress, her face a sneer, stood in front of me waiting for the 20-baht note to re-appear on the tray. When I said, “Oh, sorry, you don’t want the 10 baht” and made to reach for the coin she mumbled something about “20 baht” and stormed off. Obviously she hasn’t ever read The Guide to Doing Better Business. The Sea gogo (Soi Diamond) has increased the charge for lady drinks, usually consisting of a glass of cola, from a sensible 95 to a gouging 110 baht, although they have retained their all night 55 baht for a glass of draught amber fluid. The owners of the den have apparently purchased the tiny New Star gogo next door and, according to my informants, will be knocking down the wall and expanding their current operation. There’s apparently no truth in the rumour the den will be re-named The Ocean. Tales from the Crib: As anybody will tell you, the poor young things who leave the rice fields and the wide-bodied rumps of the family buffalo of Issan to make their lonely way into the Dante-esque fleshpots of Fun Town to don the g-string and cavort for the ogling pleasure of randy old foreigners, only do it because they have no other choices in life. There again this theory of Keynesian economic rationale might well be called into question after a bar owner told me about a sweet little maiden who came to dance in his play palace and, after a few weeks, demurely asked if she could, pretty please, join in one of the popular nightly les-be-friends shows with the more experienced lasses. The manager said the mamasan rejected her pleas because they already had enough graduates of the Lickem-On-Toppe School of Speaking in Tongues writhing about the stage. The manager then overruled her because, serious lecher that he is, he was looking forward to seeing the lithe ex-buffalo herder playing intimate roles with other former buffalo herders. Piece of Pith: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

When Two Dolls Go To War: In this column in the 1-15 April edition I made mention of the unfortunate dispute between the erstwhile partners in the pair of Living Dolls ogling dens, nick-namely ‘Captain Picard’ and ‘Alan Ladd’. Since then I have had a fairly lengthy conversation with ‘Alan Ladd’ and have been privy to much of the correspondence between him and Captain Picard and others. It is labyrinthine but what appears clear from sections of the material is that. Their partnership began when Captain Picard, who was then managing The Dollhouse, agreed to take on the management of what would be the first Living Dolls (formerly Dream). Alan Ladd purchased Dream in his name in April 2002 using all his own funds. The deal with Captain Picard was that, as manager, he would receive the same wage as he had been collecting when at The Dollhouse but once Alan Ladd had recouped his purchase price they would become equal partners. Everything went well and the pair decided to purchase the old Blackout den, now the highly successful Living Dolls Showcase. They formed a second company to effect this purchase and- an important point- sold investment shares to achieve this. These people are not registered shareholders, but, should the company have been wound up for any reason, been legally regarded as creditors. While the Captain ran the new operation, Alan Ladd kept the other one under control. Soon after, Alan Ladd found himself in big trouble with authorities in Hong Kong and was banged up for 12 months. This is where the problems began. Alan Ladd claims he contacted Captain Picard and told him to add his- Ladd’s- monthly share (a six-figure sum) to his wedge, considering this more than made up for the extra workload. Alan Ladd’s businessman father came to Pattaya to see what was happening and asked Captain Picard to keep him up to speed with events in the bars. According to Alan Ladd, his father agreed to a deal hammered out by Captain Picard. However, for reasons that not clear, the Captain failed to complete the deal in the time frame he had set. It is alleged the Captain began claiming his partner would be unable to return to Thailand and even if he did he would be unable to take up the running of what were, after all, his own businesses. Despite his problems with Hong Kong authorities, Alan Ladd was not persona non grata in Thailand and therefore remained a director of the legally constituted companies that owned the two dens. Since his return, Alan Ladd has not had any direct contact with Captain Picard (as I erroneously reported) and, according to him, was prepared to do a deal and split the pair of bars between them: he would take the original Living Dolls and leave the show bar to the Captain. Alan Ladd has indeed taken control of the first Living Dolls, but claims that when he did so his former partner had stripped the joint of all booze and poached the staff. While I still believe Captain Picard is entitled, by virtue of his hard efforts, to a fair slice of the substantially profitable cake owned by the pair, the important fact to remember is it was Alan Ladd’s initial individual monetary investment and his willingness to then form a company and give Captain Picard a shareholding, giving the latter the sort of start most people can only dream about. From my peripheral reading of events it certainly appears as though the Captain has succumbed to that deadly sin named Greed. Beaut New Set: Apropos of the above, I took a quiet wander into the recently re-opened Living Dolls ogling den (Walking Street), now under the roving management of Khun Biak, who also divides his time between the Happy and Peppermint chrome pole palaces. The happy hour is the same as that offered by those two very successful operations: 45 baht for draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut and it the ambiance in the den was noticeably better than it has been for some time with a large number of Living Dolls Showcase dancing damsels having defected to the newly constituted operation. The place was busy and I get the impression that many punters appreciated being able to get an eyeful of the showgirls without paying through the nose for a libation. The music was OK, the damsels friendly and, surprise, surprise, none pushed for a drink, which are industry standard at 90 baht. I’m told there are people wandering Walking Street handing out leaflets offering a free drink of either draught amber or Thai rotgut. Frankly, given the quality of the crop when I went in I don’t think they need to give away freebies although I accept the need to promote the fact they are now back with a vengeance. The Next Generation: In order to concentrate on promoting and building up his new disco CEB (Walking Street), Big Andy has handed Captain Picard the poison chalice of running the Hooty’s chrome pole palace (located next door). Strong rumours suggest Big Andy has actually sold his share in the den, although I was unable to confirm this prior to going to press. The Captain has been associated, one way and another, with Andy since the opening of The Dollhouse ogling den a few years ago. That den is rightly credited with beginning the renaissance of Walking Street and Captain Picard managed the place with aplomb. Since then he has been operating the pair of Living Dolls ogling dens (see above). It will be interesting to see if the Captain can draw the early birds into Hooty’s. The shows, which kick off after 9:30 pm, are generally busy enough, but from the opening bell at 8:00 pm the place struggles to attract much business. Piece of Pith: It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

It should be OK now

Generally it means the pics are no longer on the net and therefore you will not be able to view them.

Heferlumps, buffaloes and Captain Picard I Wanna be Your Beast of Burden: Disturbing incidents involving Pattaya’s population of roving elephants and their mahouts are on the rise. As many people would be aware, elephants ranging in size from large to baby big can be seen wandering the streets of Fun Town led by their mahouts. Due to a lack of opportunities to work in Thailand’s severely degraded forests, the elephants and their mahouts have been forced to come to a city like Pattaya in an effort to survive. There are mahouts who spend their evenings trawling the booze bars enticing people into purchasing 20-baht lots of snacks to feed their elephants. Sadly, the mahouts- either in their greed or ignorance, or both-sometimes allow their charges to become overfed. The result: an elephant unloading the overloaded contents of its stomach onto the street. Not a pleasant sight, particularly in a crowded bar area such as Soi 7 or 8. This has happened at least twice according to one person who has witnessed it. Police sometimes spend their time attempting to keep the elephants away from the more populated bar areas and on at least one occasion Soi 7 has seen a lumbering pachyderm legging it at some speed away from approaching members of the plod, urged on by its mounted mahout. The danger is obvious. Imagine the headlines if an elephant on the run crushes and injures, or even kills, a tourist in one of the major bar areas. It is possible for an elephant to run amok among a clutch of beer boozers: a great story for the six o’clock news but hardly conducive to attracting customers. The whole issue of elephants on the streets is a very difficult one for authorities to control without causing great economic distress to both pachyderms and their owners. The conundrum is simple enough: elephants eat a lot. Mahouts also need to eat and feed their families. There’s no work in the provinces and the tourist shows can only take so much. When times are tough, there aren’t too many options left except to take to the streets and virtually beg. For many tourists, and indeed locals, the sight of a lumbering elephant on Pattaya’s mean streets is a source of wonder and excitement and a great photo opportunity. The sad fact remains, that these animals should never be exposed to the dangers of motorised traffic, concrete and asphalt walkways and uneven pavements. They belong in the jungle, not on the streets of Pattaya. One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato: The Kennel Pub (located in the colloquially known Pattayaland Soi 1/2, between Pattayaland Sois 1 and 2), is owned by one of Fun Town’s longest-surviving ex-pats: ‘Scootish’ Dave. The Kennel is one of those boozers that could be classified as a no-hassle establishment catering to locals and their mates. Dave has recently been offered a job he couldn’t refuse (probably large sackfuls of cash) and is off to work on contract in Gabon (that’s some steamy outpost in West Africa) for a little while. Del, his manager, has departed for Scotland (that’s some nippy outpost in a small island off Europe), but never fear, into the breach has stepped Terry ‘Three Potatoes’ to take charge of the meeting and greeting duties. I’m not sure if Terry has North American Indian heritage (you know, ‘Two Dogs’, ‘Crazy Horse’ and the like), but according to Dave, Terry’s nickname is justly earned as his stomach is more than capable of demolishing of handling three jumbo-sized spuds at any one sitting. Mutton Dressed as Kwai: One of the friendliest and most popular beer boozer cum Sierra Tango outlets in Fun Town is the Buffalo on Third Road. The place is practically an institution and very much a hangout for locals. My own feeling on the veritable squadrons of assembled ‘talent’ is that much of it is mutton dressed as lamb, a little like an elephant’s graveyard. When I asked one friendly lady the usual “how old are you?” question she replied, I’m sure tongue most firmly in cheek, “29.” I didn’t have the heart to ask if she had included VAT and service charges in that calculation. The attraction for many punters is that it is off the beaten track, drinks prices are not outrageous and the assembled damsels are attentive and friendly. As the night wears on the music does tend to get a little loud, strange considering the majority of regular clientele are usually on the wrong side of 40. The bar fine situation is also a little weird. To take a lady for a short period of mattress inspection is 200 baht and a lady drink, or 270 baht without a lady drink. For longer terms, the fee rises to 400 baht and a drink for the damsel, or 470 baht without the aforementioned libation. The employees are asking for 1,000 baht to help keep the customer satisfied. There’s definitely better value for the banging baht elsewhere. Anyone for Meatloaf? Probably one the best, and undoubtedly one of the more popular, ogling dens away from Walking Street is the Tim chrome pole palace on Second Road (opposite Soi 14). Over the years I can’t say Tim has ever employed much in the way of quality chrome pole talent, but on a recent visit I was pleasantly surprised by the quantum leap the place has taken. Granted, there were no classic beauties or youthful nymphs, but it seems many of the veterans of past years have been put out to pasture. With liver wasters at 90 baht and lolly water 50 baht, the den is not gouging customers and the draught beer, according to those who drink this stuff, is cold, not lukewarm as in some other places. If there’s one constant I guarantee whenever I go in I will not be able to leave without having heard Meatloaf doing either ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’ or ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ videos on the big screen. Great music for sure, but I do think Tim is well overdue to invest in a few more videos of a similar ilk. The Next Generation: In order to concentrate on promoting and building up his new disco CEB (Walking Street), Big Andy has handed Captain Picard the poison chalice of running the Hooty’s chrome pole palace (located next door). The Captain has been associated, one way and another, with Andy since the opening of The Dollhouse ogling den a few years ago. That den is rightly credited with beginning the renaissance of Walking Street and Captain Picard managed the place with aplomb. Since then he has been operating the pair of Living Dolls ogling dens. It will be interesting to see if the Captain can draw the early birds into Hooty’s. The shows, which kick off after 9:30 pm, are generally busy enough, but from the opening bell at 8:00 pm the place struggles to attract much business. Open Wide and Say ‘Aarrghh’: The management of the Lolita’s talking-in-tongues boozer and dental academy (off Soi Diana) have made a few improvements to the seating arrangements for customers since I was last in by installing a fish tank enclosed in a solid room divider and erecting see-through curtains (that, I have to say, put me in mind of the sort of covering you find in showers) to enclose the vinyl seating and make pre-assignation conversation a little less confronting. I still think they’d be better served by creating horseshoe-shaped booths and reducing the overhead lighting, but you can’t argue with the value of a wax and polish in the dental chairs upstairs for 600 baht. The employed damsels are on a rotation system, apparently doing one week in Pattaya and then back to Bangkok for two weeks.

The Thai law regarding age of consent and bar workers and prostitution. To enter a bar you must be 20. However 18 and 19 year olds may work in a bar. The age of consent in Thailand is 15. Prostitution is illegal. If you are caught with a prostitute under 15 the penalties are severe - possibly life in prison. If you are caught with a prostitute aged 15, 16 or 17 then the mandatory penalty is 2 years. If you are caught with a prostitute who is 18 or older and prosecuted - you would be the first. In other words there appears to be no penalty and no enforcement.

Here's a few photos from Om's funeral held yesterday. It was of course a very sad occasion but the generosity of board members, FLB staff members and other Pattaya friends helped to make the day a little easier. Over 100,000 baht raised for Om's family in just a couple of days was an amazing effort. Her mother and father were overwhelmed that people in unimagined countries knew her and were so generous as to help with a little financial relief as well. After the funeral the FLB staff met with Om's parents and passed on the donations. Someone asked about the financial situation of the parents. As expected they live in a rural area and have very little. Their simple house was built by Om over the past few years. It's not finished yet and perhaps the donation will enable her parents to complete it. We were invited back to the house after the funeral for the inevitable som tam but I did not take any photos there. I know Ben did so he may post a few here later.

Om was truly a lovely girl. A pleasure to work with, sharp, intelligent and sweet all at the same time. She worked with Ann and I for 4 years and became not only a trusted employee but a close personal friend as well. We have all been devastated by the news but in true Thai fashion, many friends and relatives are coming together to support each other and to celebrate the many good things about Om that we all cherished. The funeral will take place in Petchaboon on Monday. I will pass on everyones thoughts and good wishes to friends and family then. The picture below was taken at Ann's birthday party in 2000. It's always been by favorite picture of Om.

A Walking, Talking , Living Spat: In 2004 ‘Alan Ladd’, the Australian partner in the popular Living Dolls Showcase and Living Dolls ogling dens (both on Walking Street) was arrested in Hong Kong for allegedly trying to offload a suitcase full of Indian rupees. He was detained in the territory for quite some time and while legalities were being sorted out his English partner, ‘Captain Picard’, was left to run both operations on his own. According to my sources, Alan Ladd’s father came to Pattaya and struck a deal with Captain Picard whereby the latter agreed to buy out his erstwhile colleague. So far so good. After finally being released by the Hong Kong authorities Alan Ladd returned to Pattaya and has allegedly made it clear he is not happy with the deal which was struck in his absence. Captain Picard, who apparently managed to make sure the extremely profitable Living Dolls Showcase (formerly the Blackout ogling den) was solely in his name, reportedly told Alan Ladd he is welcome to the original Living Dolls chrome pole palace but must also cough up one million baht. I’m told Alan Ladd is currently seeking legal advice in the hope of salvaging something from the wreckage. It is also suggested there was a verbal confrontation that finished up getting rather physical one evening when the two protagonists clashed in the confines of Living Dolls Showcase. Without knowing all the facts, but merely taking an outsider’s observational view, I feel Captain Picard is justified in retaining full control of Living Dolls Showcase. After all, he has had to bear the responsibility of running the entire operation on his own while his erstwhile partner was ‘helping the Chinese government with their inquiries’ in Hong Kong. The success of the venture is largely the due to the Captain and if a mutually agreeable deal had been previously agreed, then I don’t see how Alan Ladd can justify reneging. Hopefully, both parties will see it’s in their interests to resolve the matter as quickly and painlessly as possible. Should be Mothballed: Hands up all of those who are interested in reading about the sexual escapades of one man and learning in fairly graphic detail how many times each and every girl he happens to bar fine satisfies him orally or on how many occasions he manages to up-end the damsel in the shower? This is pretty much the content of a new book called Butterfly by Stephen Yang. The front cover mentions the Philippines, Thailand and Cambodia, but about the only time the Philippines gets a guernsey is when Yang tells the reader he has a Filipino girlfriend. If you are into living your life vicariously, then add it to your collection; if you have any experience of the bar scene and the ladies who work in it then don’t bother. The prose is turgid and, because of the nature of the story, repetitive beyond belief. This is the type of tome written by someone who wants to tell the world he has managed to screw more than a few bargirls. Big deal. Why do some people who’ve had had more than a few young ladies offer their sexual favours believe they can put pen to paper and come up with a book that will interest the average Thailand goer? Why a company such as Asia Books would be bothered distributing this tripe is beyond me. In the last 12 months or so there has been an absolute mountain of garbage masquerading as literature hitting the bookstores. Most of it is poorly written, indifferently edited and does nothing to add to the sum total of what the majority of ex-pats and long term visitors know already. Nightmarch Exclusive: As regular readers of this column would be aware, I’m not overly fond of the foreign tourist police volunteers, mainly because I distrust the real motives of a number of the personnel involved. It’s a little like the curate’s egg: good in parts. In fairness, I’m assured none of the current crop are involved in any way in raiding or shaking down premises in Fun Town. Much of the work they do behind the scenes in helping both tourists and bar owners alike goes unheralded. Equally, I would feel a lot less disquiet about them if they didn’t dress like an Obergruppenfuhrer of the Death’s Head Panzer Division. What the hell’s wrong with a simple bloody badge or identity tag? A few weeks ago there was a strong suggestion that a member of the foreign volunteer tourist coppers was involved in the very late night raid on the Hot & Cold ogling den (Soi Post Office). This has been hotly denied by one prominent member of the pretend plod who said the raid was the result of a falling out between a senior tourist peeler and a member of the regular Pattaya plod. He confirmed a tourist policeman was involved but he was insistent that it was a Thai national and not a foreigner, even going so far as to name the man concerned. It appears the man entered Hot & Cold prior to the raid, gathered evidence by way of a mobile phone video camera and then left. He then contacted his superiors who launched the raid. Give someone a uniform and a tin whistle and it isn’t long before they want to start throwing their weight around and now I have a whisper that the regular plod are asking for 20 foreigners to join a squad to assist them in the carrying out of their duties. What is truly disturbing is the ‘team leader’ the police have appointed is one of the shadiest but most prominent businessmen in Pattaya. For the purposes of this missive let’s just call him Prince Hamlet. To meet him socially for a chat is a pleasant enough experience. Like most conmen he is a good talker, a hail-fellow-well-met type who makes all the right noises and most people are left with a favourable impression. They come away thinking ‘all those nasty stories I’ve heard about that nice man must be just professional jealousy’. He has survived in Fun Town for almost two decades, carefully cultivating contacts within the Thai hierarchy. The word ‘arse-licker’ comes readily to mind. From my personal experience with Prince Hamlet it was and is his treatment of his Thai staff I found most reprehensible. Verbal abuse as well as either withholding or delaying payment of wages for as long as possible is common practice. It is no surprise that whoever works for him rarely stays longer than a few months. Here is a man who published a picture of his wife in his poor-quality attempt at a newspaper informing advertisers and creditors that she was the one responsible for any debts he had incurred and it had all been done without the knowledge of his company. It was a perfect method of escaping having to pay irksome bills. They were back together inside a few weeks…that is if they ever truly were apart. The same man has stitched up at least two businesses that I’m aware of when it comes to advertising contracts. Both business owners asked for a three-month contract to which Prince Hamlet verbally agreed. The business owners signed the proffered contract a couple of days later without checking the fine print (that is, they thought Prince Hamlet would honour his verbal agreement), but after the three months expired continued to receive bills. When they inquired further they were told that he only dealt in 12-month contracts. Yet now, according to my source, Prince Hamlet is going to be in charge of a bunch of vigilante foreigners employed to do what for the local peelers? That’s the million baht question. Will they too be issued with uniforms? If they are going undercover, what kind of operations will they be involved in? I wouldn’t mind betting a few foreign-owned bars might find themselves being raided and, of course, large chunks of the folding stuff will wind up in brown-shirted pockets. I also wouldn’t mind betting a percentage of these ‘stings’ (for that’s all they are) will be trousered by the brave volunteers. Quite frankly, whoever takes up the cudgels to work with the regular coppers will make the foreign tourist police volunteers look like altar boys. I guarantee one thing, Prince Hamlet will make sure he is at least one person removed from any direct involvement in a sting. He won’t be getting his hands sullied when there are others more gullible and pliable. Of course, all of this is really none of my business and if I want to live a nice, quiet life here I should just ignore it and let them get on with it. Unfortunately, I can’t abide bullies, con-artists and extortionists, particularly if all three vices come in the one package.

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Super What? The 36th ogling den to open its doors in the environs of Walking Street, the Super Model chrome pole palace is on the site of the old Starlight beer boozer in the Soi Diamond alleyway. The place kicked into life in early March with a lengthy happy hour, 7:30 to 10:00 PM, offering draught amber fluid and house liver wasters at just 30 baht. The den has plenty of dancing damsels and covers two floors, the upper area being the place to sit to get a real view of the action. Formula One Quiz: The first major change to the popular Sunday night Quiz format has been made with teams being allotted points for their scores on a weekly basis. The top-scoring team earns 12 points, the second 10 points, the third eight points and so on down to one point for the team finishing 10th. I’m assuming Martin, the Sunday question setter, mine host of the Red Lion noshery (Soi Chaiyapoon) and Formula One fanatic, came up with the idea. I think it’s a winner. For those interested, the current 10 teams are, in alphabetical order: Cheers, Noms, OK Corral, Palmers, Pleasure Dome, Rising Sun, Shagwell Mansion, The Bunker, The Londoner and Tropical Bert’s. Stick This In Your Pocket: Rob Scott is a nuggety Aussie singer and odd-jobs man who has been living in Thailand for most of the last decade, variously in Bangkok, Phuket, Pattaya and now Koh Samui. A few months ago he kicked off an advertising publication called Samui in Your Pocket. As the name suggests, it’s a pocket-sized, glossy publication with maps and a street directory distributed free across the island and published every two months. Those familiar with Pattaya Nightlife will know what I’m on about. It has deservedly gone from 48 to 64 pages in just three issues and anyone going to the island should avail themselves of a copy as soon as possible after landing as it’s invaluable. Rob was recently back in Pattaya and told me there is another person allegedly doing the rounds of Fun Town businesses with a proposal to establish a Pattaya in Your Pocket. No problem with that except Rob’s been told the man doing the selling, an Englishman, is claiming to be involved with the Samui operation. Nothing could be further from the truth as Rob is currently a one-man band down in Samui. Patti Smith in Disguise: The new Club Electric Blue head-bangers room has opened for business on Walking Street. Big Andy’s new venture, replacing the ailing Club Electric Blue ogling den, is in its early days yet and will take time to draw the late-night boogie crowds from the likes of Lucifer’s and Tony’s. One of the characters engaged to spin the records (or scratch, fondle, molest or whatever they do to them nowadays) goes by the handle of DJ Space Monkey. Now I know what most of you are thinking: don’t all the DJ’s in Pattaya have similar, and seemingly appropriate, handles? If they don’t then they probably should. The night Andy employs DJ Goose and DJ Water Buffalo to help out the original ape, I’m there with a camera and a copy of Patti Smith’s song ‘Space Monkey’. Old Enough to Shave: What happens when you mate a shark with a beaver? You get a collection of raunchy dancers who like to display their baby-making wares on table tops in a place like the Shark Club in Soi Diamond. It seems as if the management have sorted their staffing shortage and the other evening when I wandered in there were plenty of high steppers scratching the solid table surfaces with their long white boots. The music is passable and the libation deal is pretty good with draught amber nectar at 45 baht all night and a buy-one-get-one-free on selected house liver wasters and Thai rotgut at just 95 baht suggests they’ll keep punters coming through the doors. A problem with one of the serving wenches over the 2-for-1 deal was sorted out with efficiency and a minimum of fuss by the manager, who, from his accent, came originally from the Land of the Garlic Munchers. When it came time to pay up the serving damsel concerned grabbed the proffered note from my hand, so, needless to say she didn’t look too happy when I made sure to collect every last baht from my change. She had made an error, felt she’d lost face (that ridiculously Asian cultural glitch that allows people to keep stuffing things up and get away with it) and the charming Thai smile rapidly Gorgonised. In spite of this silly girl, I would recommend a visit to the Shark Club, especially if you’re an afficionado of its trailblazer the Beach Club (Soi 15). Another One Bites the Dust: The clutch of Soi 9 beer boozers along the Beach Road, just down from plod headquarters, were there one day and bulldozed the next, along with the long-running Universe Gym. As others have remarked, vast areas of land currently occupied by boozers is immensely valuable as development property and in coming years, there’s almost no doubt much of it will fall prey to the bulldozers as it’s turned into upmarket housing. The Cupido Complex went down a few weeks ago, the Soi 9 boozers on Second Road are ready to be knocked over and the almost new Queens Park Plaza set-up along Second Road, near the Greg’s Kitchen Pommy noshery is now abandoned due to lack of custom. Yet, along Soi Buakhow and adjoining sois a new boozer seems to open every week. Not Worth a Firecracker: A man wakes up in the middle of the night. A light comes on (in this case in the fridge rather than his brain) and he thinks, ‘what gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1 needs right now is a lady chrome pole palace’. So, in the morning he sets to work and a few weeks later opens the Dynamite ogling den, sandwiched between the Shirtlifters R Us and Beaver Leavers pink palaces. OK, I made those names up, but you get the idea. The dancing maidens he recruits from struggling circuses, concentrating primarily on the fat ladies and then raids a museum where he snaffles period costumes: neck-to-knee see-through bathers, all the rage on St Tropez in 1926. Unfortunately there are only six or seven costumes available, but it doesn’t matter as that’s all he requires. He might only have six or seven dancers but they’re a well-fed bunch and pound-for-pound equal to any den with 20 or more. In order to recoup his outlay smartly, the owner decides price gouging is the way to go. After all, he figures, anybody who is actually going to climb the 20 or so steps to the front door is not going to turn around and walk away without having a drink. So, lolly water kicks off at 90 baht, bottled amber nectar at 100 baht and liver wasters a trifling 120 baht. So, if you like your women to be ample of girth and have a financially masochistic desire to pay 26 percent more for a libation to see approximately 300 percent less ogling talent then this is the place for you. Music to My Eyes: After leaving Dynamite without bothering to indulge in masochistic drinking, I wandered down into Spicy Girls, an old favourite. The place was busy without being full, there were plenty of chrome pole molesters shimmying about the narrow stage and, as usual, the music was good and the thirst-quenchers reasonably priced. Away from the talent of Walking Street this is as good a place as any to wander into. More luk thung Please: After recently remarking on the lack of frontal lobe capacity of the average Thai DJ employed in the vast majority of ogling dens, I was again confronted with a classic example of the breed when in the Silver Star ogling den (Soi 8). The spin-jockey had a Thai tune going when I wandered in and proceeded to play another two after that before reverting to the standard car-alarm noise. The pricing policy in the place also amazed me. Draught amber fluid is 65 baht as is tonic water. Yet orange juice is 95 baht. The dancing damsels, for an off-Walking Street den, were OK, friendly enough (pushy for drinks of course, as with every chrome pole palace on the planet) and with more life in them than a couple of places I might mention but won’t because the owners will think all I do is take cheap shots at them all the time. Shoes Off the Fisherman: I was sitting in the Super Girls ogling den (Soi Diamond) recently having a quiet libation or six when a man of middling years wandered in and decided to sit in the booth next to me. He had shoulder-length hair and a deep tan but oddly, he wasn’t wearing shoes. He placed a drink order but when the waitress returned with the glass of liquid she insisted on him paying the bill upfront. No doubt she thought, as I did, if he wasn’t wearing shoes he mightn’t have the money for the drink. He fished around in his pockets and managed to obtain the requisite amount required, albeit with a church-plate collection of one and five baht coins. Is it any wonder many of the damsels employed in the bars of Fun Town think we foreigners are a very strange lot indeed. Piece of Pith: There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Gogo music to go. Ace in the Hole: Martin (aka the Elephant Man) and his long-suffering better half Pon opened their new business early in February. Called the Ace Café it is situated in the new block of buildings erected behind the Hanuman statue at the bottom of Thappraya Road. Martin says he aims to make the place primarily an eatery between Monday and Thursday, opening from 8:30AM to 9:00PM and then on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays remain open until much later as a boozer. Breakfast kicks in at 50 baht while a large mug of coffee is just 20 baht. Martin and Pon formerly ran the Old Speckled Hen in Jomtien Soi 9. The people who purchased it have renamed the place Love Birds and continued to offer booze and nosh as well as employing damsels to offer customers relaxation services. While I’m down there, Gary from the Scooby’s boozer and relaxation lounge (Jomtien Complex) tells me he’s offering a free lasagne for customers every Wednesday evening. The boozer is designed for customers who want to come and relax in air-conditioned comfort as a break from the frenetic pace of looking for their next main ‘squeeze’. Nothing to Flap About Yet: The Shark Club gynaecological inspection room opened its legs towards the end of January with the usual opening night party. The entrance is by way of the stairs in Soi Diamond next to the Super Girl ogling den. The owners are the same people, from France I believe, who have the Shark chrome pole palace (formerly the poorly named Big Willies gogo) at the other end of the first floor. Prior to opening night I was reliably informed that the management were struggling to find enough talent to hoof it on the tables and although they succeeded in gathering a troupe together for opening night, it’s been a struggle since then. As any den owner will tell you, they never have enough chrome pole molesters, especially in high season when all the best quality dancers are snaffled by lecherous foreigners keen to empty their wallets, and other things, into a nubile maiden. I’ll be Your Private Dancer, Dancer for Money: Well-known thriller and action writer Stephen Leather has finally published his Thai bargirl novel Private Dancer. The story of a destructive relationship between a naïve foreigner and a Nana Plaza gogo dancer has been available as a downloadable PDF file for some years and reached a wide audience. Is it worth reading? All the hardened cynics say it should be made compulsory for newcomers to the bar scene in Thailand and, with some misgivings, I tend to agree. The book, as with most of Leather’s previous work, is fast-paced, with short, sharp chapters. The central characters are an English travel writer named Pete and a chrome pole molester named Joy. Leather attempts to look at the story from all sides, with Pete making his comments and then Joy hers. Pete’s friends and acquaintances add their two-cents worth and there are some interesting sociological pieces on cross-cultural relationships interspersed throughout the novel. The Thailand bar-hoppers motto, “she’s different”, appears quite often and for anybody who has ever uttered those fateful words I would strongly suggest they read this book. Wave the Magic Wand: Khun Chat Chai, the owner of the Hi-Boss middle-stump massaging den in Soi 6, held the first Miss Hi Boss beauty contest on Saturday night 19 February with a whopping 10,000 baht first prize. The contest apparently attracted entrants from as far away as Bangkok. The Sierra Tango boozer is noted for employing a division of boys-who-would-be-girls, most of them capable of damaging the ozone layer when they don a pair of six-inch high heels. I was unable to attend the festivities (I think I had to stay home and wash my hair), but by all accounts it was a wild night, the ‘ladies’ really getting into the swing of things in the hope of snaring the substantial first prize. Out of the Rumour Mill: There is a strong rumour doing the rounds that the business signs in Walking Street have been raised so air-conditioned, diesel-belching tour buses can rumble down the crazy paving and deposit their human cargo at the front door of designated establishments rather than take the risk some of their precious pigeons might become waylaid as they wander starry-eyed and camera-strung down the gauntlet of bright neon signs. I doubt this is true, but in the interests of rumour-mongering I felt it should be brought to your attention. And, of course, that old chestnut, the 101 businesses due for demolition to permit Beach Road to link up with the highway-to-nowhere continues to sprout wherever two or more locals may gather. This is an issue that’s been on the drawing board for well over a decade and every year someone somewhere pops up to state, very definitely, it’s all about to happen. I’ve said it before, don’t hold your breath. There are some powerful people with business interests on the water side of Walking Street and they’re not about to lose their substantial investments without an argument or a buffalo-load of compensation. The Illegitimate Offspring of Disreputable Parents: I know it’s almost pointless me bringing up the subject of gogo music- and I use that term in its broadest sense- in ogling dens, but a recent foray into the wilds of Walking Street made me realise just how dreadful most of the material being played by that bunch of retards impersonating DJ’s truly is. After kicking off in the Carousel ogling den (Soi Diamond), a chrome pole palace that used to play great music when managed for many years by Claude the Dutchman, I was not only disappointed by the poor talent shuffling about the revolving stage, but the music was dreadful. Even the speckled horse seemed to be down in the mouth. Manager TJ has left for higher pastures, namely the Heaven Above den just down the soi and up the stairs. Wandering in to this establishment after Carousel also proved to be an auditory trial. The den was busy with plenty of talent on show, but the music was, to put it in the vernacular, crap. When I brought this up with the delightfully flirtatious Bee, wife of one of the owners, a couple of nights later she insisted that when she gets behind the turntable the quality of tunes rises a few notches. If this is correct then I can only suggest her husband slaps the headphones on her more regularly. Then it was into the Shark ogling den. Plenty of people warming the seats, enough eye candy to keep most people interested and they have a buy-one-get-one-free promotion (on standard house liver wasters and Thai rotgut only) designed to keep punters in the den a little longer. The music was variable, going from a few strange selections to good recognisable material. Finally, the cosy little Paris chrome pole den drew me through its portals. As usual there was a strong contingent of dancing damsels of varying quality (some good, some veterans, some plain, some friendly, some stand-offish; in other words, typical of most dens). The music, as with the others, wandered about the approval dial from ‘yuk’ to ‘great’. ‘I like my music to be the legitimate offspring of respectable parents’ said English author Samuel Butler, and I believe most foreigners feel the same way. Sure, a bar full of the cream of the dancing crop will be full every night no matter what sounds emanate from the DJ booth. After all, that’s the main reason why red-blooded, easily excitable males make the rounds of ogling dens. I have no problem with the style of music adopted by an ogling den. I enjoy listening to good quality hip hop, techno, trance, rap, or garbage…sorry, garage. I believe most punters object to being subjected to material that is nothing short of aural rubbish. I have no desire to turn back the musical turntables of ogling dens and suddenly be hit with the likes of Max Bygraves or Robert Goulet. Equally, I don’t want to put up with a 12-minute thumping bass and sub-woofer collection of sounds by DJ Whatta Spastic, an artist with all the talent of a garnished turnip. I often wonder if the DJ in one den will intentionally scour the junk shops and bargain basement bins for the most obscure and truly unlistenable material to inflict on an unsuspecting public and then telephone his mate in a rival chrome pole palace and ask him whether he has ever heard of ‘Blow It Out Your Backside’ by LJ Lolly Wrapper and the Anal Retentives. Places such as Peppermint, Diamond, Dollhouse (which celebrated its birthday on 16 February), Living Dolls Showcase, Spicy Girls, Tahitian Queen, Tahitian Queen 2, and X-Ray (to give just a few examples) can be guaranteed to generally play a good range of listenable material ranging from rock to pop to soul, blues and, yes, dance music. I am reminded of a letter the English poet and stirrer Ezra Pound wrote to a friend in which he penned the following limerick: "There once was a brainy baboon Who always breathed down a bassoon For he said, “It appears That in billions of years I shalll certainly hit on a tune.” From the sounds of much of the material coming out of the speakers in many dens it would appear the musical landscape is now well and truly inhabited by ‘brainy’ baboons. Piece of Pith: Do not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

When is a gogo a show bar? When is a Show Bar not a Show Bar? Let me just clear up a slight misunderstanding. In my last missive I suggested the price of 120 baht for certain alcoholic libations in the Misty’s ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 2) was over the odds for a non-show bar. As one correspondent mentioned, Misty’s does conduct shows. Agreed. What I should have been more clear about was my definition of show bars. While a great number of dens run shows (Diamond, Carousel, X-Ray come to mind immediately), for my money a ‘show bar’ is one where the set pieces are almost continuous throughout the night. Places such as Model Club (The Market on Second Road), Las Vegas (Russian performers in Soi BJ), Polo (Walking Street), What’s Up and Fantasia Showcase (next door to each other in Soi 15, off Walking Street) can be genuinely classified as show bars. Of course, Living Dolls Showcase (Walking Street) doesn’t begin its series of shows until after 10:00PM but before that time owner Captain Picard is sensible enough to have a cheap happy hour. The First Swallow of the New Season: The only ogling den running dance contests of any kind on a somewhat regular basis is Diamond (Soi Diamond). Owner Khun Tee was asked by one of his customers to put on an in-house dance contest and one took place on Sunday night 9 January. As usual the place was packed to the rafters as 30 of the Diamond dancers went up against each other in an effort to try and snare a share of the 13,000 baht in prize money on offer. First prize was originally 3,000 baht but this was doubled early in the dancing stakes when a customer added 3,000 baht to the pot. The same man also put up 2,000 baht for the dancer who received the lowest number of points from the five judges. Khun Joy, one of Diamond’s longest-serving and friendliest chrome pole huggers, won the Miss Flower (or Miss Popular with the Customers) contest and collected 2,000 baht while Khun Ooh was the overall winner. The next contest will more than likely not take place until after the current high season. Puss in Skirts: Naklua’s only ogling den, the long-running Kittens (Naklua Road), may well be a shadow of its former self when it was known as Pussycat, but it keeps going season after season with a tried and tested formula. On a recent visit the place seemed to have a few more pole polishers than the last time I was in, and they ranged from veterans of many a high season campaign to others less well versed in the ways of the two-week bonkaholic. The music is good- none of that obscure bargain-basement techno- and the dancers are now sporting attractive short skirts. Some feel the exertions involved in dancing are a good excuse to remove the upper part of their apparel; certainly no objections from customers. After leaving Kittens we were walking past the beer boozers down the road when a damsel gained our attention by using a megaphone to inquire “where you go?” Nice touch. Not Quite Ladies of the Lamp: The X-Ray ogling den (Soi Zero) has a happy hour running from 8:00-9:00PM with draft amber at 45 baht. Outside happy hour the draft is 59 baht. The dancing stage is a neck stretcher and the dancers are a motley crew of varying shapes and sizes bedecked (almost) in nursing attire. Florence Nightingale would be doing handstands in her grave if she could see what these dancers have done to the uniform of the women of the healing hands. One dancer came on stage for a brief ‘show’ involving a whistle and a trumpet, neither of which went anywhere near her mouth yet she could quite conceivably have led the charge of the Seventh Cavalry at the battle of the Little Bighorn. Would have made Custer’s Last Stand even more memorable. The music is good and the girls are good for a laugh. No Surprise: The ranks of ogling dens away from the bright lights of Walking Street have been reduced by one following the closure of Hot & Cold II (Soi Yamato). Hardly surprising considering the place wasn’t much bigger than a Japanese condom and on my only visit there were a mere four dancers, three of whom would have struggled to attract customers in a beer boozer let alone a chrome pole palace. The door girl was wearing jeans and had the sort of backside that made me think of two hippos fighting in a corn sack. Around the corner in Soi Post Office, the original Hot & Cold is still packing in the punters between 9:30 and 10:30PM for the shows that could be described as the gynaecologists guided tour with props. Maybe Third Time Lucky: The Erdinger Beer Garden (formerly known as Schlemmer Garten, and before that as the Fight Night complex) still has its sign above the entrance to what is now being called the Happy House complex (I know the name might put you in mind of a lunatic asylum), on Second Road, near Soi 13. All told there are around 22 beer boozers operating out of the site and so far this high season most seem to have done reasonably well. Needless to say, the beer boozers at the front of the complex have the lion’s share of the passing trade as weary trudgers plonk themselves aboard a stool and are willingly subjected to the “what you name?”, “where you come from?” litany. A couple of the boozers are run by people who have been in Fun Town for some years and have built up a following (the Moonlight for example, run by Nick, who used to be in the Queen Vic in Soi Honey Inn), while for others this is their first attempt at the beer boozing trade. One of these is the Dj’s Chillout boozer. Opened by Mick and Gary in November, they tell me they had planned on being a bar where people just came and relaxed and shot some pool. Instead, it’s become a favoured watering hole of people from Hull, a city in the north of England. Instead of baulking at the trend, the pair have embraced the idea and have been pleasantly surprised at just how many people from Hull and its environs seem to make their way into Pattaya, either on holidays or on a permanent basis. Hot Lips and Hot Licks: The recently expanded Hot Girls ogling den (Walking Street, opposite the Roo Bar) is a place where the dancing damsels could be said to ‘get down and dirty’. This is a fun and friendly joint, although the new layout- think, long and thin- means punters can only get a good view of one stage at a time. They have to look at the wall mirrors to see what’s happening on the other stage. Then again, what is sometimes happening right in front of you is enough to make you forget about what might be occurring elsewhere. Apparently there are two DJ’s. One, a graduate of the Brain Dead Academy of Techno Inanity, is let loose and plays garbage; the other has had the frontal lobotomy and plays good dance music. So it’s a 50-50 split on the aural level. The joint is usually busy, no mean feat when punters have to ascend a flight of stairs. Then again, the shows are worth the chance of a cardiac arrest. One night the ‘rubber hose’ prop used in the sadist/masochist piece split, such was the vigour with which it was being employed by the enthusiastic lass playing the ‘sadist’. The ‘les-be-friends’ show just goes on and on; I have the strong impression at least two of the sweet young things involved in the performance have truly found their calling. This is especially evident when the double-ended plastic toy (appropriately rubber-suited I might add) comes into play. Pattaya Institution on the Market? Is Fun Town’s longest-established ogling den, Tahitian Queen (Beach Road), up for sale? Or is it Marilyn’s? It’s always interesting to look through the business opportunities section of the Pattaya Trader monthly magazine just to see what is up for grabs. Apart from the usual beer boozers and restaurants, the January 2005 edition had a couple of adverts offering chrome pole palaces for sale, but one noted ‘The lease of this beachside go-go bar has been renewed annually for 30 years…’ There are just three ogling dens fitting the ‘beachside’ criteria: Tahitian Queen, Marilyn’s and World Wide. The latter has not been operating as an ogling den for anything like 30 years, whereas Tahitian Queen has been around since 1978 and Marilyn’s since the mid 1980s. A ‘phone call to the company entrusted with marketing the den left me none the wiser as to which place was for sale as, not surprisingly, they were reluctant to disclose the name of their client. Condolences: To Jaap Klasema, the manager of the Flamingo Hotel and adjoining Renoir’s munching den (Soi Day-Night 2) and owner of the Timber beer boozer in the Made in Thailand complex (Second Road), who suffered a dual loss when his 87-year-old father and 81-year-old mother both passed away with a few days of each other in Holland in the early part of January. They had been married for 58 years and, as Jaap told me, were still “very much in love.” Piece of Pith: There is a fine line between a ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’ My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Mark I use Photoshop. Get all the pics you want to resize in one directory then open Photoshop, go to Automate - Web Photo Gallery. Set up the directory the pics are in and a new one to write them to. Click the rezize option, select the size and Ok. The program actually creates a web photo gallery, but all the pics will be in the new directory/images and the will all be resized to the dimensions you chose.

Wht do you want to know that?

For Your Sins Ye Shall Endure: There’s not much I can add to the millions of words already written in the past weeks about the shocking tragedy that has destroyed countless lives across south Asia and eastern Africa apart from offering my own pathetically wan condolences to all those who have lost loved ones. One thought that did traverse my mind was how disappointing it must have been for the high-minded moralists and born-again God-botherers that the earthquake hadn’t emanated in the Gulf of Thailand and the subsequent tsunami didn’t roar through Pattaya in a modern day Apocalypse, ala Sodom and Gomorrah. Guess they’ll just have to pray a little bit harder. Hats on for Christmas: While the quality of damsel in The Sea has waned slightly, the ogling den rightly associated with the renaissance of Walking Street, namely, The Dollhouse, has had a clear-cut improvement in the eye candy value of its chrome pole molesters. Wandering in on Christmas Eve, the dancers were decked out in red tops and skimpy skirts and all sporting those ridiculous Santa Claus hats. Again, there was no hassle from the assembled elves and what was on view would have given good King Wenceslas a Christmas boner. Draught amber runs to 45 baht in a good-sized glass while during happy hour house liver wasters run to just 40 baht. Not Another One! Walking Street and its environs now boast a whopping 33 ogling and show dens open for business. In the two months prior to the end of 2004 no less than five places featuring ladies who like to dance and cavort about in skimpy attire opening for business. I’ve mentioned Beach Club, Fantasia Showcase, Highway Star, and Las Vegas in past columns; the newest kid on the block is the somewhat brazenly-named MGR Strip Club. The joint is located upstairs in Soi Diamond on the same landing as the Shark ogling den (formerly Big Willies) and is owned by the same people who have the open-air Roof bar. The MGR Strip Club is on the site of the long-defunct Moonshine enclosed beer boozer and the new owners have spent a good deal of the folding stuff in remodelling and upgrading the furnishings. The layout is a little unusual but well done. The walls are padded (think: lunatic asylum) in a cream colour, there are lounge chairs against the walls, and, apart from a small main stage shaped like the horns of a Zulu impi, has another five dancing areas accommodating one or two chrome pole huggers. Opening night was 29 December and the ladies employed to gyrate in as fetching a manner as possible were not in the traditional g-string garb, which is a good sign. The music was a little different and suited the style of the place, but libations are not cheap with liver wasters at 110 baht a pop. Definitely worth a look. Oh I Do Like to be Beside the Seaside: Regular readers of this missive cannot have failed to notice the number of times I make mention of Walking Street ogling dens, as opposed to those away from what is, after all, the main centre of Fun Town. Part of the reason is simply that I enjoy these places far more than most of the others away from the street while the other factor is these dens are constantly in a state of flux, with something new or different happening on a regular basis. Take The Sea chrome pole palace (Soi Diamond) as an example. Some months ago I thought the den had some good quality chrome pole molesters, certainly in comparison to many other places. On my last visit- on Christmas Eve no less- I would suggest the quality has dropped, although not enough to make it a no-go area. The music, which has always been standard car alarm noise, remains the same. The place is always busy, and looking around the room I would venture to say well over half the patrons were sipping away on the 55 baht amber draught rather than indulging in the over-priced liver wasters. The place is still worth a look and, for better or worse, you don’t get hassled by the dancing damsels. Two Bites for One: The shufflers may not be from the top shelf but the Shark ogling den (upstairs Soi Diamond) is at least worth a look as they are quite a friendly bunch, obviously taking the name of the joint to heart as they circle in hopes of taking a bite out of your wallet. Management have instituted a two-for-one policy on house libations so a standard liver waster at 95 baht becomes good value. The policy extends to Thai rotgut and lolly water (75 baht) as well. Heineken draught is at 45 baht all night, and, obviously is not included in the 2-for-1 package. Lady drinks are 100 baht for the standard ‘cola’. Better Than Some: Just to prove that I do occasionally manage to escape the all-embracing clutches of Walking Street, I wandered into the Misty’s chrome pole palace (Pattayaland Soi 2) late one evening and came away thinking it probably ranks as about the best on that particular soi. The music is good and there are plenty of dancing maidens; the worst that can be said is the prices of thirst-quenchers are over the top: 120 baht for liver wasters in a non-show boozer is ridiculous. Around the corner in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1, the Spicy Girls management have jacked up their libations to 100 baht for liver destroyers, although lady drinks are still cheap at 80 baht. The music, as it always has been, is good; the damsels average but friendly and happy hour runs from 6:30-8:00PM with bottled amber liquid at 70 baht and liver crunchers 80 baht. Waste of Space: The little clutch of beer boozers at the corner of Soi 1 and Second Road in north Pattaya offers up the usual cacophony of noise with some form of techno babble emanating from one establishment countered by the live band in the Eye beer boozer who, to be fair, were doing a reasonable series of Beatle’s covers. And not once did they play ‘Hotel California’. There seemed to be a lot of persons working in this bar, and others nearby, who came out of the womb as males and were now parading about in women’s clothing. This is also the place where the Tokyo ogling den opened and closed faster than revolving door on speed. Give Yourself a Black Star: A local ex-pat resident wrote to me recently asking punters to be wary when having an out-of-happy-hours libation in the New Star ogling den (Soi Diamond). He claims to have wandered in and ordered a vodka-lipo (yep, an interesting combo) for which he was billed 150 baht. If this is true, and I have no reason to believe it isn’t, then the management in New Star need their collective head’s read. They’ve managed to prise 150 baht from one customer who, thoroughly disgusted, will never cross the threshold to their establishment again and will no doubt make his dissatisfaction known to all his friends and acquaintances. The knock-on effect may well do great damage to business in New Star. Then again, they might not care about attracting repeat business. Out of the Rumour Mill: It is suggested by someone who should know that the working wenches in the very popular Buffalo dine and dash establishment (Third Road) are required to pick up 100 lady drinks per month in order to earn their salary. I know it’s only a tad more than three drinks per lady per shift (and at 70 baht the lady drinks are not expensive), but when there are more than 40 damsels competing for a customer’s attention the task is not as easy as it looks. Around the Traps: On 29 December 2004 a farewell party was held in the Shenanigans lounge lizard libation room and noshery for departing landlord Kim Fletcher. He is now preparing to take up the meeting and greeting duties at the Jameson’s pseudo Irish noshery and boozatorium currently in the stages of completion in North Pattaya, behind the Big C complex. Update on the Champion ogling den booze prices: while happy hour remains cheap with draught amber at 35 baht, regular prices are now hovering around the standard of 95 baht. The Hot Girls ogling den (Walking Street) has expanded its waistline, taking over the massage parlour that used to abut the rear of the den. Another addition to the longest-running boozers in Fun Town. The Susi beer boozer and occasional lying-in facility (Naklua Road) has been operational in the same location for 12 years. For the past nine years it has been under the same ownership, which must make it close to being the longest-running joint in Germantown. Piece of Pith: Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

I edited your post to make it work. If you click on edit you can see the url that you posted which is incorrect and the url which I posted that is correct.

Are We Busy Yet? With the 1:00AM closing issue still being touted as the main reason why many Fun Town boozatoriums are not as busy as previous years, it’s interesting to note one ogling den operator who told me he had notched a record turnover for one night of trading on the Monday after the 5 December public holiday. As he said, “it was better than any New Year’s Eve”. Of course, the fact his chrome pole palace is now among the best in Pattaya had a lot to do with setting a new high. So, why is his den doing so well, and yet others seem to complain the punters are nowhere to be seen? The answer is really quite simple: he has a lot of good-looking dancers, plays good music and offers libations at reasonable prices. It doesn’t take a degree in Accounting/Marketing 101 to understand the reasons for the continuing success and popularity of dens like Peppermint, Happy, Diamond, and the new Beach Club to name just four. All of the aforementioned have a lot of dancing damsels and all offer liquid refreshments at imposts that will not leave an unsightly dent in the wallet of an average punter. Every high season I hear the same old tunes: ‘there’s no one here’, ‘where have all the tourists gone?’, ‘if this keeps up we’ll be out of business soon’. In the last five years or so the beer boozers operating in Fun Town have increased by about 50 percent in number. In the same time, the number of ogling dens has gone from 42 to 55, a 30 percent expansion. While tourist numbers have increased in the same time period, the demographics show the majority emanate from north Asian countries rather than Europe, the Americas or the Antipodes. This does not augur well for the long-term viability of many Caucasian-centric boozers in Pattaya. Nonetheless, some of the booze bar owners complaining the loudest are the same ones who think they should charge like wounded bulls for a drink while employing sub-standard eye candy. Let’s take most of the Soi 2 beer boozers as an example. Long-term ex-pats here have noted how ‘dead’ Soi 2 has been recently, compared with a few years previous. No doubt the bar owners are also wondering where all the punters have gone. Well, take a look around you. The bars are old and weather-beaten, much like most of the serving wenches; prices for drinks are high by comparison with air-conditioned ogling dens and the cacophony produced by eight different bands all trying to outdo each other at decibels just short of a Concorde on take-off while playing the same tired old tunes night after night might go some way to giving an answer. In varying degrees it’s much the same with Sois 8 and 7. I recently had a drink at one beer bar, which I shall not name as I’m sure the rest are pretty much the same, in the new Night Out complex (between Soi 7 and Central Road). A bottle of Singha amber fluid was 80 baht; lolly water was 50 baht. And what was on offer? Three lasses who probably remember the days of Desert Sperm: the R & R follow-up in Pattaya to Operation Desert Storm, after the 1991 Persian Gulf War. If you desire to guzzle copious quantities of intoxicating liquids and the choice is between a pair of beer boozers, both with ladies of grandmotherly proportions and the price for an amber libation in one is, say, 10 baht cheaper than the other, is it any surprise the joint seeking a greater turnover to make a profit is busier than the one looking for the odd ‘quality’ customer? Offer a good quality business at the right price and the punters will come; end of story. For My Next Trick: Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus may well have featured such highlighting acts as the fat lady and the human cannonball, but they had absolutely nothing on the showgirls at the What’s Up ogling den (Soi 15, off Walking Street). The shows, designed primarily for the tourist trade, feature the usual pieces of coloured string, plastic flowers and- enough to make Gillette fans wince- razor blades, all emanating from the maps of Tasmania region. One well-endowed lass looks capable of writing the collected works of Shakespeare in Texta, without using her hands. Another opens cola bottles by way of the nether regions, another scrambles her own eggs, without a fry pan while the show involving spring rolls is sufficient to whet the appetite. For me, the piece de resistance is the one-lady fire show; that girl sure swallows some hot stuff. Some of these girls would be great to take on a camping trip. No need for fire-lighters, matches or bottle openers. Drinks aren’t cheap: liver wasters and bottled amber at 125 baht and lolly water at 105 baht. Lady drinks are sensible at 95 baht. Not a Disney Product: The above piece segues nicely into this one: the opening of the Fantasia Showcase ogling den, right next door to What’s Up and run by the same people. Opening night was Sunday 19 December and while the shows are similar to those in its sister den the one major difference is a troupe of katoeys employed to prance about in a series of cabaret-style numbers. The bar is up a set of steep stairs and the seating is arranged in two long rows in front of a fairly small stage, with stools and round tables to the sides. The place is capable of holding about 50-60 people. I found the music a little too loud, and therefore distorted on opening night, but I’m told this will be rectified. Among the shows was the standard ‘let’s be friends and kiss where the sun don’t shine’ show between a clutch of nubile young maidens (unfortunately set to the strains of ‘Hotel California’) and then the ladyboys come on and do what could be the precursor to a re-enactment of the Zulu attack at Rorke’s Drift, sans assegais and shields. Libations run to 130 baht; almost the standard now for show bars. From Russia with Lust I: The team that bring you the Polo and Model Club show dens, the former in Walking Street and the latter in The Market complex on Second Road, have taken over Soi BJ’s white elephant, converted it and on 1 December opened it as the Las Vegas show den with a difference. The difference being a brace of a dozen or so tall, fair-skinned Russian dancers, rather than the usual brown buffalo riders from the wilds of Issan. The bar, first opulently kitted out a few years ago, was called Top Secret. It ran into trouble almost from the start, closed down, then re-opened as the BJ Fun Bar. It too lasted only a short while and now, third time lucky, it may have found a niche by offering Russian dancers in a series of cabaret-style shows. All drinks are 130 baht, which is about standard in bars offering showgirls of whatever hue these days. The dancers are, as one would expect, taller and heavier than their Thai cousins, but they are in proportion. The music is good and the action gets under way from 7:00PM onwards. Worth a look, if only for prurient interest. From Russia with Lust II: High season always brings with it an influx of people from the countries that comprised the former Soviet Union: Russia, Ukraine and most places ending in ‘stan’. They are generally easily spotted. The males purchase, and actually don, the kind of garish gear (usually in shades of predominantly orange pastels) normally associated with seven-day tourists from north Asia. Coming from a climate where the median summer temperature is a shade above an ice-block, I suppose there’s not a lot of call for board shorts and light cotton shirts. Therefore when they see items that resemble a technicolour yawn they consider this the height of hot weather fashion. One I spotted the other day was wearing an all-shades-of-the-rainbow umbrella hat. These items make Hawaiian shirts look like the kind of apparel worn by Baptist preachers on Sundays. The women seem to fall into two distinct and recognisable categories. Most of one group look like the ‘before’ photos in Weight-Watchers commercials; many in the other category could pass for runway models in Paris fashion shows. The latter group, as most regulars to Fun Town are well aware, pay for their time here by offering conjugal services, generally of a short duration, to men who occasionally like to dip and dabble with women named Barbarushka and Valentina rather than Lek or Noi. The price for the service rendered runs to 2,000 baht for a short time (although offering the equivalent in barter form of, say, a dozen bottles of Stoli, may cut it); overnight could tend to send the abacus into meltdown mode. Most of their customers appear to be cashed-up Thai nationals, which is why they seem to get away with being here and rarely get busted for engaging in that most heinous crime of prostitution. When they do get rumbled it’s usually when they wander into places like Marine Disco and Tony’s looking for a little extra business from men with round eyes. My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Exclousive…from Phenthouse Magacine: No, I haven’t forgotten how to spell, this is how the Polo ogling den (Walking Street) promotes its Model Show, which kicks off in the chrome pole palace every night at around 11:30PM. The same dozen or so sketchily attired performers appear earlier in the evening at the Model Club in The Market complex on Second Road (opposite Pinewood Condo). The shows start there around 6:30PM. As one might expect, the shows are popular with the north Asian tourists who seem quite content to sip on a bottle of cola and wait until they are summoned to leave and trek off to yet another cultural performance. What a Bunch of Blowhards: Lolita’s, the very name conjures up a vision of the seductive adolescent girl in Nabokov’s infamous novel, and a dine and dash establishment by that very name is up and running in the relatively new building complex bounded by Soi Diana and Soi Buakhow. Although the boozer is located off the beaten track the damsels employed to entertain passing custom all have the one-eyed trouser-snake handshake down to a fine art and will assure those who might be interested in further tactile activities that their polishing skills are exemplary. For those a little slow on the uptake a friend of mine was informed in a rather matter-of-fact fashion by one of the serving wenches that the place was, quite frankly, “a blow job bar.” I don’t think she was referring to the kind of services performed in the average hairdressing salon either. The Lolita’s operation is run by the same deviates, er, colourful businesspersons, who have a similarly named boozer in the Big Chilli. They clearly feel the Pattaya bar scene is worth sinking a few baht into, in spite of the currently restricted operating hours. The place is well appointed: polished floors, long bar, pool table. My only complaint is the seating. The long, black vinyl lounges face other customers and newcomers practically fall over those already ensconced. Since the lighting is quite bright, it was noticeable that people already sitting and wrapped around a comely maiden felt uncomfortable when another customer or two hovered into their space looking to park their own butts. Those who tend to research these matters with a kind of feverish fervour tell me that prices for services rendered run between 600 and 1,000 baht. I’m told dentist’s chairs are in use in the upstairs facilities so prices depend on whether one requires a full lube or simply a quick wax and polish (or mouth wash and filling). If it’s Thursday, it must be Ladies Night: A friend of mine recently had a small full colour business card dropped into the basket in front of his motorbike. The card showed a young and not-so-shy damsel in a denim skirt with her shirt lifted to show off a black bra underneath a caption proclaiming ‘Ladies Nites Every Thursday’. At the bottom was ‘Free Drink Voucher (Lady Drink) from 8 pm.’ It appears the cards are promoting the Blue Bamboo boozer (Soi 6) with bar fines 250 baht. The back of the card shows the top half of a naked man whose face is covered by a pink g-string and a quote by a person named Michael exclaiming, “The room service is fantastic!” The assumption- I guess- to draw from the quote is the man with the pink g-string on his head is Michael. I think he needs to get out more. Almost out of the Horse’s Mouth: It’s been a fairly open secret for more than a few weeks now that Kim Fletcher, the landlord at the Shenanigans lounge lizard libation room and noshery (Second Road), is about to pull up stumps and take a new position with another Irish-style operation situated in the wilds of Wongamat in north Pattaya. The new place is the brainchild of long-time Fun Town operator Rony Fineman who has invested heavily in the north Pattaya area. You’re New Here Aren’t You? Yet another ogling den- the 56th- opened its doors in Fun Town; this time in Soi Yamato in late November, and it’s a name most of you will no doubt recognise: Hot & Cold. Yes, it is run by the same people with the joint in Soi Post Office. It is small; there were just four dancers the night I wandered in and although they had all mislaid their tops it wasn’t enough to make me stay for more than one drink. Draught amber is 80 baht, liver wasters 100 baht, lolly water 60 baht and lady drinks 90 baht. The den opens at 7:30PM. In the New York theatre business the top shows are on Broadway, then there’s off-Broadway and off-off-Broadway. In Pattaya the best ogling dens are on Walking Street, then there’s off-Walking Street. I think an off-off-Walking Street category is not out of line given the number of dens now open. No prizes for guessing where I think Hot & Cold should be placed. The Longevity Contenders Are: A lot of response to my question as to who has been running the same bar from the same place in Fun Town the longest. For your interest, the winner in Soi 8 is, as was expected, Vicky’s Bar. The American owner first turned on the fairy lights on 11 December 1987 and after 17 years he’s still watching the comings and goings on the soi. Then there’s Café Ole in Soi 6. Khun Dee has been checking the ebb and flow of traffic in that little soi of iniquity since 1981. I’m certain a few of the damsels still working the street may have gained their start in Café Ole. Then, on Beach Road, we have Scandi Bar. As the name suggests it is run by persons for whom any temperature above minus 300 Celsius can be termed as a heat wave. The same owner/manager has been propping up the bar and slowly demolishing his liver since 17 May 1986. Nearly 19 years of alcohol abuse and sniffing the exhaust fumes of the traffic along Beach Road. You’ve got to admire the stamina of this modern-day Viking. According to one correspondent, Woody from the Tahitian Queen ogling den (Beach Road) has been part of the landscape since the place opened in 1978. If that is indeed the case it would make him easily the longest running bar owner in Pattaya. We Are, We Are, The Fruit of The Nation: One of Bangkok’s two English-language dailies introduced a light night entertainment page aimed at ex-pats a few months ago. Appropriately entitled ‘On The Tiles’ it appears in The Nation on Fridays and is edited by Phil McDonald. My spies tell me there was some opposition to the introduction of this section, the usual do-good, hand wringing custodians of other people’s morals and the stick-your-head-in-the-sand, or other dark, uninviting places, brigade. Since Fun Town happens to be the true epicentre of all things immoral- giving the condescenti (my word) something to sniff about in as haughty manner as possible- I guess it’s hardly surprising up to a third of the column (when it’s allowed to appear) features events in and around the Pattaya postcode. Anyway, yours truly has been helping to supply the odd titbits for the said column, so for those bar owners and restaurateurs who can be bothered and would like to promote their up-coming events in a weekly national publication feel free to contact me by e-mail (nightmarch@hotmail.com) and let me know what’s happening in your neck of the woods. Around and About: The X-Ray ogling den, located in Soi Zero (off Second Road in north Pattaya) will be celebrating its second anniversary on 17 December. The Happy and Peppermint ogling dens on Walking Street have increased their happy hour prices from 40 to 45 baht for draught amber, house liver wasters and lolly water. Lady drinks have also gone up from 85 to 90 baht. Despite these increases they still offer tremendous value for money. The Petit Liegois munching den has moved from the Carrefour shopping emporium to the old Mon Ami Pierrot premises at the bottom end of Walking Street. Two of the newest beer boozers to pop up in Fun Town with what I consider to be well thought out cognomens are the Far Kin and the DT’s. Both are located along Soi Buakhow (also known as ‘The English Patient’) and, not surprisingly, the owners are from the Land of Yorkshire Puddings and Double Entendres. The Pom Pui beer boozer and occasional lie down facility on Third Road, opposite Soi Chaiyapoon, was sold a couple of months back and is now called the Boxing Roo. No prizes for guessing the nationality of the new owners. I’m told the management of the Champion ogling den (Walking Street) have jacked up their prices of all drinks from 85 to 95 baht and lady drinks have gone from 85 to 99 baht. The popular FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) has been sold for a reputedly substantial sum. The London Clock still continues in the meeting and greeting duties, a job he does with considerable ability and enthusiasm. Piece of Pith: If at first you don’t succeed, parachuting is not for you. My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids" No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com

When the Big Hand Gets A Grip on the Little Hand: Our old friend Preacher Malcontent, the Deputy Interior Minister (DIM for short), is determined to impose some continuing form of time control on the operating hours available to establishments offering dancing girls and alcohol. Of course he is only following the directions of Interior Minister Poking Pokemon, who is, of course, directed by Fearless Leader. People might cast their minds back to June 2003, when, following a mobile cabinet meeting held by the government in Pattaya, it was suggested closing hours might be extended to 4:00AM. Before this could happen, a period of 90 days of ‘serious observation’ was needed by a group of persons who made up the committee that would decide whether an extra two hours was a good or bad idea. To the best of my knowledge, the 90 days passed (as did the serious observation) and nothing happened. Instead, we have been subjected to a further reduction in entertainment opening and closing hours. Let’s be honest here. While plenty of people have decided to vote with their feet and are refusing to come back until the powers of opening and closing finally wake up to the rank stupidity of their actions, the reality is that Fun Town is busy at present. The sleeping palaces are starting to hang out ‘full’ signs, the better nosheries are recommending regulars start booking in advance or come out to munch down a little earlier than the crowd and the good quality ogling dens and beer boozers are packing out with revellers. In other words, the whole issue of bar closing times hasn’t prevented the genuine die-hards coming back for more. And why is this so? Simply because even with restricted hours for jollification Fun Town wins hands down over any other place on the planet in what it offers. If this were a Melbourne Cup (or, if you prefer, an English Derby or Kentucky Derby) a nag named Pattaya would win by six lengths over a trier like Bangkok with Angeles City and Phuket dead-heating for third. None of the three placegetters has anywhere near the quantity and quality of boozers and lasses to fill them as does Pattaya, and at imposts that remain among the cheapest and best value-for-money in the world. Certainly there has been a paradigm shift away from the focus on night-life as real estate developers train their big guns on the town and begin the inexorable process of ramping up the costs of purchasing and living here. City Hall and other interested parties try to promote Pattaya as a ‘family’ destination, yet more and more boozers keep opening (another lot, for example, recently turned on the welcome fairy lights in the lane between Soi 7 and Central Pattaya Road). The truth is, our beaches are crap compared with almost anywhere else in Thailand, although the views over Pattaya Bay and Jomtien are superb. What we do have is proximity to the capital and, therefore, the international airport; some of the best and cheapest nosheries anywhere in the world; a myriad of golf courses for those afflicted with the desire to chase little white balls over manicured lawns; decent deep-sea fishing and other water sports are plentiful. Nonetheless, what draws people to Pattaya is its nightlife and while ever it continues to flourish, albeit with restricted hours, then Fun Town will be a popular holiday and retirement destination. That’s Definitely Not Music: Fun Town is such a moveable feast that an establishment offering good quality drinking and carousing one night can be ‘on the nose’ faster than a bucket of prawns left out in the midday sun. In a recent piece for this esteemed publication I waxed lyrical about the fairly new Heaven’s Above ogling den (Soi Diamond). Sadly, my own recent experiences and that of a few others I know have caused me to downgrade my opinion of the place. While the dancing damsels and general ambience are still good, somebody should take to the DJ with a sharp implement: the music is dreadful. It’s not even standard car alarm played at ear-shattering decibels; somehow the wombat impersonating a DJ has discovered a cache of CDs that surely must be labelled Only Use to Suppress the Mating Instincts of Rats. It just goes to show, take your eyes off the ball and give the lunatics the keys to the asylum and it’s all downhill after that. Shades of Deep Purple: The 55th addition to the ogling den circuit, Highway Star, opened its doors on Walking Street in the third week of November. Highway Star, situated right next door to Roundy and Bob’s Roo Bar, would be well known to Fun Town locals and regulars as one of the longest-running beer boozers in Pattaya. I suppose they’ve seen the success others are having in the chrome pole palace medium and decided they’d like a slice of that action as well. Interestingly, Khun Satit of Uncle Sam’s Fishing Park and formerly associated with Happy and Peppermint ogling dens (among many others over the years), has teamed up with the owner of Highway Star to promote the establishment. There is no happy hour, which I think is a mistake if they want to attract local custom as well as tourists, and libations run to standard Walking Street prices of 95 baht for liver wasters and lady drinks, although Chang draught amber is a reasonable 55 baht. The music is passable, occasionally even good; the dancing maidens are kitted out in the traditional white g-string and most offer an abundant view of their chest when on stage. The lasses vary from the well-nourished and matronly to the odd chrome pole molester of more tender years and sylph-like girth. The Girls on the Beach, Are All Within Reach: Another chrome pole palace to open its doors is the Beach Club, in Soi 15, on the site of the short-lived Shooters boozer. The same proprietary interests associated with the Happy and Peppermint ogling dens have created this set-up and, sensibly, are offering inducements to at least wander in on a regular basis with a happy hour running from 7:00-9:00PM each night with most libations at just 45 baht. Outside happy hour thirst-quenchers run to a standard 95 baht while lady drinks are 90 baht. The music is standard car alarm (ala Peppermint), perhaps a little loud at times. There are plenty of dancers, bedecked in white singlet tops and lime green short skirts with boots and football socks in what look to be Canberra Rugby League team colours. The dancers all seem to have mislaid their g-strings, making it a perfect place to hold a Save-the-Beaver convention. A number of the hostesses are just delightful, certainly among the best in Fun Town. With the addition of Beach Club and Highway Star, there are now 30 ogling dens just on Walking Street. Double The Calendar Girls: The Pattaya Go-Go Bar Calendar for 2005 is finally out and available, retailing at a very reasonable 250 baht. The inaugural calendar hit the streets in two versions last year, but this production is light years ahead. Featuring some of the more attractive chrome pole molesters in town, each month features two young maidens in various stages of undress. The featured dens are, in alphabetical order, Amazon (Walking Street), Classroom (Pattayaland Soi 2), Carousel (Soi Diamond), Club Electric Blue (Walking Street), Diamond (Soi Diamond), Dollhouse (Walking Street), Happy/Peppermint (Walking Street), Heaven’s Above (Soi Diamond), Hooty’s (Walking Street), Misty’s (Pattayaland Soi 2), Shark and The Sea (both in Soi Diamond). The calendars are available from the participating dens as well as FLB Bar, Center Condo Café (off South Pattaya Road), Bookazine (Royal Garden Plaza and Big C only), DK Books (Soi Post Office) and DK Bookmart (Central Pattaya Road, opposite Nova Lodge Hotel). On the web they can be purchased through www.dcothai.com Anything and Everything: The former Vixens ogling den (Soi Diamond) recently changed its name to Naughty Girls. That’s about the only change: the same people who were behind Vixens are still involved with Naughty Girls (the bar that is; although they may also engage in nocturnal activities with ladies who might be termed ‘naughty’ in a polite society). The Big Willies ogling den (Soi Diamond) changed hands at the beginning of October and is now owned by persons of French nationality. The place has been re-named Shark, an altogether more appealing cognomen than Big Willies (especially for those of us who are not well endowed in the magic wand department). The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) celebrated its fifth anniversary with a big party on 19 October and owner Khun Tee tells me he now has a website for fans of the joint: www.diamondagogo.com Piece of Pith: “Riding a motorbike in Pattaya is more exhilarating that white water rafting. You get that buzz every time you do it.” (Sent to me by Graham of www.pattayagogo.com and was a comment made by a foreigner who lives nearby him.) My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

The server time was off by 10 minutes. I've never noticed before but I've adjusted it now so the times should be accurate.

Time Gentlemen, Please: Look what happens when I go away. I’ve just spent the last few weeks down in the Land of Oz and what do I come back to: early closing. For Australians of a certain age it would probably remind them of the days of the infamous six o’clock swill. To explain, there was a time (in the dim Dark Ages around 1946) when the government of Australia determined that all boozers had to close their doors at 6:00PM in order to preserve the moral fabric of society. So what happened, naturally, was that an illicit and illegal trade grew up and so-called sly grog shops proliferated. In other words, normally respectable, law-abiding citizens were quite prepared to break the law in the pursuit of a convivial libation or six after the boozers closed. Eventually the government woke up to reality and now there are places where it’s possible to drink alcohol 24-hours a day, seven days a week. Yet here in thirsty Fun Town the persons in charge of communal sobriety have determined that adults, most of whom have the vote in their own countries, should not be allowed to indulge in tossing back a few glasses or bottles of intoxicating liquid beyond 1:00AM. This brings Pattaya into line with the fleshpots of the City of Angels. Of course it may just be a case of the ‘new broom sweeping clean’ and the pre-October status quo will soon return. If the aim of early closing is to reduce the incidence of Thai females offering their sexual favours to foreign men (or women as the case may be) then it is a dismal failure. The damsels of the demimonde simply start hanging around street corners and som dtam carts asking the age-old question: “lookin’ for a bit of business, love?”, or words to that effect. Top of the Guinness Charts: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs’ It’s taken me a long time to realise Kipling’s famous line from his poem ‘If’ was referring to a pint of Guinness. I was put in mind of it the other night when I wandered into the fairly new Maggie May workingman’s alehouse and sports emporium (Soi Chaiyapoon). The Liverpudlian owner flogs his Guinness off at 150 baht a pint and as a friend remarked, noticing the strong head on an already half empty glass, “that’s how you can tell a good Guinness.” Maggie May stands out like a nun with a bad habit; you walk through the front door and feel as if you’ve been transported back to a north England boozer, all framed prints, wood panelling and talk of stolid English batsmen and Fred Trueman (‘aye, nowt there were a fast bowler, lad’). As far as I can tell, the owner has resisted the temptation to have photographs of Rod Stewart anywhere in his establishment. A man of good taste. And the Record is? So which beer boozer in Pattaya can lay claim to being the longest in operation at the same location and under the same ownership? Tommy’s boozer (a member of the Wednesday night quiz) has been at the one place on Third Road (near the Fire Station) for 13 years. How long have Colin and Stan of Cheers boozer been watching the passing parade on Pattayaland Soi 2? Abbe’s (Walking Street), Flintstone and Coral Reef in Soi 8, Poppy on the corner of Soi 7 and Beach Road, Five Star on Beach Road and Scandinavia, also on Beach Road, may also be able to claim longevity, although I’m not sure each place has been owned by the same individuals. One man I know believes the Vicki beer boozer in Soi 8 may well have all the above beaten: he thinks it’s been in the same spot under the same owner since the late 1980s. I’d be interested to know what other bars have been run by the same connections and in the same location for 10 years or longer. Delusions of Ganja: Psst…you want to get hold of some sweet Mary Jane? After a little horse? Just between you, me and the gatepost I think Fearless Leader’s War on (Illicit) Drugs might not have been quite as successful as he led us to believe. There I was, minding my own business as I strolled down the Beach Road promenade, when a whispered voice from the shadows asked the question, “Marijuana?” Just because I look like a person with a serious drug habit does not mean I actually have one, yet I am forever being whispered at from behind palm fronds and assorted foliage and always it is the same refrain: “Marijuana?” Occasionally I am flatteringly upgraded to, “Marijuana, Cocaine, Heroin?” Perhaps our little volunteering types could spend part of their undercover time weeding out the illegal drug peddlers instead of prancing about in their black shirts and bothering flower sellers on Walking Street. Then again, the flower sellers represent the line of least resistance. Swiss Pitstop is now an English Waterfall: In what is fast becoming Pattaya’s answer to Melbourne’s Lygon Street, the three Day-Night sois are filling up with budget-priced munching dens. One of the first nosheries to open in the area some years ago was Pitstop, in Day-Night 3. The Swiss-owned operation served up standard mid-European fare at reasonable prices but the owner became ill (I’m assured it wasn’t from eating his own grub) and sold out. A few minor adjustments have been made to the interior and exterior and the nosh-house now offers English vittles under the name Waterfall. There’s a daily set menu of starter, main and dessert that varies between 130 and 195 baht. Long Time Between Drinks: I have to confess to not traversing the pair of ogling dens in Soi Yamato, namely the long-running Nice N Eazy and Stringfellows, for quite some time. With so many places to attract the attention of the casual pervert, these two, which I know from previous experience rarely have more than a handful of chrome pole molesters, tend to get overlooked in favour of the more populous outlets. Although I am loath to become effusive over either place, they both cater to a localised clientele and do not gouge customers when it comes to libations, be they alcoholic or of the lolly water variety. The music in Stringfellows is good and not loud, the damsels hardly outstanding but far from being the worst around and lady drinks are reasonable at just 80 baht. Nice N Eazy can probably lay claim to being the smallest den in town and also offers lady drinks at 80 baht and a small pod of friendly chrome pole huggers. Tales from the Crib: My friend Ray purchased a brand new CD player complete with AM/FM radio tuner in Australia, brought it with him to Thailand and presented it to his girlfriend. The young lady had recently opened a hairdressing salon and appreciated the gesture, as she would be able to listen to music while working away in her shop. After her initial burst of enthusiasm and delight at having received this wondrous piece of Australian-built technology she frowned, turned to Ray and said, “Thank you, but this no good for here.” “What do you mean?” asked a befuddled Ray. “Have FM radio, but can only play Australian song,” she declared matter-of-factly. Ray plugged the device into a power point, turned it on and flicked through the dials until he came upon a Thai radio station. Upon hearing the Thai voices and music his girlfriends’ eyes lit up in the manner of a person who believes her paramour is imbued with qualities not normally assigned to mere mortals, especially farang mortals. She believed he had been able to convert the AM/FM tuner so it could receive Thai music instead of Australian. Is this how Jesus Christ got his start? Wouldn’t Touch ‘em with a Barge Pole: That seems to be the impression given in a recent report by some impossibly named government think-tank based in the northeast of the country writing about the average characteristics of the Thai wives of foreign men. ‘They are mostly typical Issan women, with rather dark skin, quite strong and healthy and not the type to attract typical Thai men,’ says the report. Most of the more than 15,000 wives of foreigners (who predominantly hailed from Britain, Germany, and Switzerland) came from Udon Thani, Nong Khai, and Khon Kaen provinces; the majority had been married before and, hardly surprisingly, many had children from previous relationships. Sound like anyone you know who works in a Pattaya beer bar?

We have a regular customer at FLB who is wheel chair bound. On his first few trips to Thailand he brought someone with him to help him get around but now that he knows the lay of the land he travels alone. Pattaya is not very wheel chair friendly BUT there are always people around who are willing to help. The girls seem to quite like hooking up with disabled people and can also act as general assistants to the process of getting around. I imagine it would be quite a brave move but if your friend makes it here I am sure he will have a great time.