jballstate

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true - the Greeks DID invent sex... but, it was us Italians who introduced it to women."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. My name is Alice , and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class 46 years earlier. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang", he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?", I asked. He answered, "In 1967. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit bastard asked, "What did you teach?"

Options Adult Jokes 18+ Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." ... Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

After a night out with the guys, Bob was in no shape to drive his car home. So he decided to walk. As he staggered home a police officer pulled up beside him. "Where do you think you are going at 1 am in the morning? asked the officer. "I am on my way to a lecture," Bob replied. "And who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?" the officer asked. "My fucking wife." Bob replied.

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby (policeman), who says, " I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." "Ah, yes," says the Bobby, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No sir", replies the Bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" ”I wasn't!“

In an advanced Biology class I was taking the mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. Hard pressed, I came up with 6 1) It is the perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then in desperation, just before the bell rang I wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says "A computer. Teacher replies "That'd be very useful." 2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, Nope I'm sure ! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying ........" Well, that's the last fuckin thing we need. "

THE NAVY WINE TASTER At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.They gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please.""It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires several years for finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass."''It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive, calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The old Navy Chief tried it."It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the fucking father." Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on these god damn bus tours!' The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back & turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "& she turned into a fucking telephone pole!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

The Afghan Quarterback The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States, teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, says the old Muslim woman."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Ex-President Bush, decides to leave the "ranch" and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman "Isn't that George W. Bush sitting at the end of the bar?" The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?' Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.. The guy exclaims, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a damn about the 140 million Muslims'.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

The Baptist Church Dinner A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Herb and Lucille to be the hosts, Lucille wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but because the mushrooms were so expensive, she told Herb, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them, and they're OK." So Lucille decided to give it a try. The next morning she picked a bunch, cleaned and sliced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Lucille watched Ol' Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal that evening was a great success. Lucille had even hired a lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Lucille's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead." Lucille went into hysterics. Finally, she calmed down enough to call the doctor and tell him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas, and we'll pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep everyone calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all sitting around the living room, looking pretty weak, when the helper lady came in and whispered to Lucille, "You know, that Son of a bitch that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'

Talent? - maybe not but she is a hell of a good marketer.

The crew was unaware of the pending storm when they left port. They learned of the hurricane when the captain called a meeting of all hands on deck and advised them of the hurricane. He offered to put anyone ashore that wanted to leave the ship but all hands had faith in the captain's judgement and elected to stay aboard. The captain has boasted previously on public TV about going through 2 hurricanes in the past with the ship and figured he could skirt around the storm. Other tall ship operators on the east coast said they could not believe that he elected to take his ship into this storm. On stated that this storm was a "no brainer" and there is no way he would have gone to sea in it. The Bounty was a 50 yr. old wooden vessel and unlike a steel navel vessel a wooden vessel "works" quite a bit in heavy seas. A steel vessel is a single unit with welded construction where a wooden vessel is many boards joined togather by screws and other fastners and the various componants move about in a heavy storm. The vessel had been having problems with the engines and the generator prior to this trip. It's a good chance a board in the hull opened up causing flooding which could not be controlled once the generator quit. With the engines not operating they probably got sideways in the seas and were hit by a large wave which rolled the vessel over. The CG is investigating the accident and more facts will come out of this investigation. In my opinion it was reckless to take this vessel into this large storm. The national weather service put out plenty of warning information that should have been heeded. He should have never left New London, Ct. and should have at least gone into the Chesapeake Bay entrance to get out of the storms path.

Never been stopped in 10 trips and I bring a lot of luggage.

It seems like every time we have a hurricane or serious storm off of the Atlantic Coast a sailing vessel ends up in trouble off of the coasts of Virginia or North Carolina. In most cases the skippers of these vessels have elected to go into harms way as this storm was well advertised in advance. They could have easily been safe in port rather than sailing directly into this storm. This was a very poor decision on the part of the skipper who ended up loosing his life in this event. I have seen this happen too many times, usually with sailing vessels much smaller than the Bounty. It also put the lives of the US Coast Guard rescue helo in grave danger to preform this rescue. The rescue swimmer in this crew had to jump into 30 foot seas and swim to the life rafts in order to hoist the crew up into the helo. This rescue was very close to being impossible but a brave coast guard crew pulled it off.

DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver. FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

Singapore airlines is very good but the problem I have experienced with them is that you have to fly to Singapore and then change planes and fly back to Bangkok. Adds extra time to the trip. My favorite airline is the one that gives me the best business class fare at the time.

Egypt Air is an excellent airline but I would never use them again if I had to connect through any city in Egypt. Was there in January of 2011 when the shit hit the fan.

Always enjoyed

MM, No problem. Do what you like with it.

Nice pics