MONKEYWATCH - July 2006

[monkeyman]

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our third trip into the pits of Patts. Right, let’s get straight down to it and have a look at what’s been going on in the last month.

 

There was an incident on Beach Road the other week where a ladyboy was arrested after allegedly trying to pick the pocket of a Pakistani tourist. “She” vigorously denied the charge, claiming that she thought he might be the Asian bloke who’d picked her up at the same spot the previous week and had just put her hand into his trousers to see if she recognised him.

 

It’s also been reported that there’s been a number of items taken from holidaymakers’ clothes when they left them on the beach to take a dip in the sea. A police spokesman said preliminary investigations had suggested that it might be the work of thieves. There’s no fooling these boys.

 

In another piece of law enforcement news, the boys in brown recently rounded up a load of Uzbekistani hookers and took them to the police station where they were held for several hours. It’s funny how they always seem to have these crackdowns on the Police Chief’s birthday.

 

The website for the new Baboona Serviced Apartments on Beach Road proudly announces that “The Standard Rooms provide back-side view”, so if you’re the sort of guy who likes to spend the evening with his TG looking at the moon, this place could be right up your street.

 

Talking of hotels, there was a recent enquiry as to why guests thought it was important for hotels in Pattaya to have swimming pools when the ocean is so close. Well, it’s only important if you want to come out of the water the same colour as you went in. It’s also been speculated that the ‘chlorine’ smell you get from the pools only happens if somebody’s pissed in them. Reckon that can be filed under “too much information”.

 

The Transport Ministry have announced that the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to open on September 28 and, to commemorate the event, three squadrons of pigs will be landing in formation on the main runway. Caretaker Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra added that the new airport will handle all regular commercial flights into Bangkok from this date and assured the assembled journalists that nothing could possibly go wrong. He then sang a medley of Vengaboys’ hits and threw up into a fire bucket.

 

While we’re on the subject of flights, cheap charlie Brits might be interested to know that Etihad are flogging tickets from the good old Motherland to LOS for a measly 375 quid including taxes. Good deal if you don’t mind spending half a day sitting in the middle of a war zone waiting for your connecting flight.

 

The mayor of Pattaya has been criticised by the Ministry of the Interior for taking too much time over various local projects. He apparently rejected the criticism as unfair, saying he’d already arranged a meeting on September 6th 2008 to address this very point.

 

In yet another exciting piece of news, City officials are currently engaged in talks with the Royal Thai Navy about sinking two disused ships in Pattaya Bay to create a habitat for the local marine life. And if that’s a success, they’re thinking of sinking two Soi 6 bars as a habitat for the local pond life.

 

A few people have remarked that they reckon Stephen Leather’s epic tale “Private Dancer” isn’t a realistic book. Well, it’s got a cover and lots of pages, so how much more realistic can it get?

 

Music fans had a shock the other night when they turned up to the Blues Factory and found the place to be closed and locked up. Speculation mounted that this could be the biggest blow to live music since Cliff Richard threatened to quit touring after being hit in the left ear by an individual pork pie at the Batley Variety Club in England during a particularly intense rendition of “Devil Woman”. Fortunately, it turned out that the Blues Factory’s management, staff and musicians had all buggered off to a party for the night and not bothered to tell anybody. This must be what they mean by “going on the Lam”.

 

It’s been suggested that there should be a rule in Pattaya against blokes wearing white socks and sandals with shorts. It shouldn’t be a rule, it should be a bloody law.

 

Princess Slutwear had a birthday party at her bar recently. One of the dudes in attendance reckoned he fancied her so much that his tongue hit the floor when he saw her. Actually, if he’d fancied her that much, his tongue wouldn’t have hit the floor at all. His dick would have got in the way.

 

A final thought. If someone asks you to name your favourite fruit, think very carefully before answering “Emma”.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[sexy beast]

There was an incident on Beach Road the other week where a ladyboy was arrested after allegedly trying to pick the pocket of a Pakistani tourist. “She” vigorously denied the charge, claiming that she thought he might be the Asian bloke who’d picked her up at the same spot the previous week and had just put her hand into his trousers to see if she recognised him:

 

I think this could be one of our board members! Hello: soi unwise

[Braveheart]

It’s been suggested that there should be a rule in Pattaya against blokes wearing white socks and sandals with shorts. It shouldn’t be a rule, it should be a bloody law.

Socks with sandals should be illegal world wide.

[midlifecrisis]

It’s been suggested that there should be a rule in Pattaya against blokes wearing white socks and sandals with shorts. It shouldn’t be a rule, it should be a bloody law.

You mean there isn't? Maybe I should plan on going to Phuket instead.

[soi unwise]

There was an incident on Beach Road the other week where a ladyboy was arrested after allegedly trying to pick the pocket of a Pakistani tourist. “She” vigorously denied the charge, claiming that she thought he might be the Asian bloke who’d picked her up at the same spot the previous week and had just put her hand into his trousers to see if she recognised him:

 

I think this could be one of our board members! Hello: soi unwise 

 

 

--------------------

 

Touche my friend.Every hole's a goal !!

 

[short]

Socks with sandals should be illegal world wide.

So what color socks should one wear with shorts and sandals?

[Sa-teef]

Another classic from our resident mammalian cousin!

 

Great stuff and always enjoyed.

 

Thanks for the efforts,

 

~Sa-teef

[michaelday]

Batley Variety Club? You must be from my neck of the woods!

[LordFlash]

Always a great read. Thanks for brightening up my day!

 

 

Michaelday - Love the Avatar!

[dotcom_OD]

Monkeywatch good writing skills with great penchant for humour.....thanks..

[monkeyman]

Batley Variety Club? You must be from my neck of the woods!

Nope. I'm just aware of its international reputation as the graveyard for old 60's bands.

[rubinjames]

Always a good read Monkeywatch, Could not agree more on the white socks and sandals bit. WTF are these guy's thinking when they wear them!

[Shit_Happens]

Always a good read Monkeywatch, Could not agree more on the white socks and sandals bit. WTF are these guy's thinking when they wear them!

They thinking hansum man

[mbiggs]

Always a good read Monkeywatch, Could not agree more on the white socks and sandals bit. WTF are these guy's thinking when they wear them!

Perhaps they think that the women in Pattaya think its attractive.

[woody4]

Attractive to 60+

Stops lower leg mossie bites

Getting ready for a flight no thrombosis

Cover carpet burn on the knees

Hmmm can't I make just one funny reply