Monkeywatch - January 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for sticking with us for yet another year, and welcome to our latest montage of mayhem in the City of Silly Smirks. Here we go again.

 

The Royal Thai Police have finally ended the passport carrying debate by announcing that anyone asked to produce their passport can do so at a later time, therefore you don’t have to carry either the original or a copy with you. So that’s the end of that then. Well it isn’t actually, because the Legal and Justice Reform Committee have just recommended that the Royal Thai Police should be dissolved. They’ll need one hell of a glass of water to do that.

 

The Immigration Police have also been in the news with their festive mission statement, in which they vowed to protect tourists and suppress crimes, especially those committed by foreign nationals. Guess the Thai criminals must have been complaining about the competition.

 

No less than 16 monks were arrested the other Sunday after police received a tip off that they had been receiving offerings from the public then selling them on to food vendors and pocketing the cash. The Chief Abbot later gave them all a good bollocking, warning them that any repetition of this appalling behaviour would result in them being immediately de-monked. Good job he didn’t find out they spent all the cash in Walking Street Go Go Bars.

 

We’ve finally found a use for those Chinese tour groups. When you’re crossing a busy road, you can use them as a crumple zone…

 

 

The Pattaya Countdown Festival was its usual fun-filled self, with the attendees being treated to a lively mixture of music, fireworks, guns and grenades. A 17 year old Thai lad, who cannot be named for legal reasons (and because we don’t know his name) was shot while riding his motorbike away from the event, and a couple of motorbike gangs also leaving the festival decided to settle their differences by throwing hand grenades at each other. Wonder what they’ll come up with next year. Air strikes?

 

Another Pattaya doorman got himself into hot water on Christmas Day, this time for hurling abuse at a Royal Thai Police Officer and then assaulting him (they sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t they?) The altercation happened when police attended a disturbance at one of the stinking pig clubs on Soi 16 and the officer attempted to enter the premises to investigate the incident. In his defence, the doorman said he didn’t realise that the man was a police officer as he wasn’t wearing the standard uniform. The police charged him with assault anyway, explaining that the officer was on a plain clothes operation and that was why he was wearing a tutu.

 

In preparation for the New Year festivities, fire inspections were carried out at entertainment venues around Pattaya to make sure that everything was safe for the anticipated stampede of inebriated partygoers. The Chief Fire Officer later said he was satisfied that everything was in order as they hadn’t found a single fire in any of the venues they visited. He added that if the punters were as pissed up as usual they’d probably be suitably equipped to put out any fires on their own.

Pattaya’s first moon shot sadly ended in failure…

 

 

Very little to report in the first bar news of the year. We’re still waiting for the opening of Skyfall on Walking Street. If they don’t get it open soon, they might have to rename it Spectre. Looks like the Dream is over on Soi Diamond as the Go Go answering to that name appears to have closed. Quiet times indeed.

Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.”

 

A Swiss tourist was given a good kicking by three street vendors last week after he allegedly refused to buy a souvenir from them. Police are trying to trace the men though the only evidence they have uncovered is a large metal Buddha that was retrieved from the victim’s rectum by doctors shortly after the assault took place. So he got his souvenir after all then.

 

Looks like Roy Scheider couldn’t make it again…

 

 

Pattaya has got enough water to last it for the whole of this year, according to an Irrigation Department official, who added “All we have to do now is figure out how to get it off the roads and into the reservoirs.”

 

More than half of the road accidents in Thailand on New Year’s Day were caused by drunken drivers, according to the Public Health Minister. He then sang three choruses of ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’ and was sick in a bucket.

 

Finally, a Cambodian chap died last week after eating some chicken pieces he’d bought from a street vendor in Jomtien. He’d just finished the last piece when he was run over by a bus.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual a startling insight into the inner workings of Pattaya and a troubled mind! Always appreciated.

[lounge_lizard]

Another classic

 

I always look forward to these posts

[MeGoDanceNow]

The term "stinking pigs" seems a bit harsh.

 

Could we use "differently fragrant ungulates" instead?

[MM]

 

 

Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.”

[Steptoe]

Brilliant cynicisms

[worldxcess78]

Damn tourist groups...always slowing down my progress to a bar.