Monkeywatch - November 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to Loy Krathong (it means “float scrote” or something.)

 

New regulations come into force soon banning smoking within five metres of just about any type of building you care to name. Anyone found to be flouting these regulations will be fined 5000 baht. A local bar owner commented “Good idea. This should get smoking back indoors where it belongs.”

 

A Brit living in Pattaya has been arrested for breaking into his neighbour’s apartment and stealing 3000 pounds sterling. He then realised that he hadn’t got anywhere to stash the cash so he went back to his neighbour’s place, stole his mattress and hid the money under there. When confronted by police, he denied the offence until he was shown CCTV footage of the entire incident, at which point he changed his mind and confessed – with the help of a few police batons.

 

A Ruskie bloke found hanging in his condo in Jomtien is reported to have killed himself because he had toothache. On publication of the story, local sugar-based products suddenly all went on special offer.

 

In times gone by, Pattaya cinemas were a little less luxurious than they are today…

 

 

Pattaya celebrated the 106^th National Police Day on October 16, though it was a fairly low key affair as all the gifts sent to the local police station were defused by the bomb squad before they went off. The bombs, that is, not the bomb squad, who remain on high alert for the upcoming Goat Buggering Festival at the local mosque.

 

The Public Health Department are recruiting new staff to hunt for rats at Bali Hai Pier. One successful applicant said “This has got to be the easiest job in the world. It’d be harder to find a Muslim on Soi 16.”

 

The opening of the new Terminal 21 shopping mall has created yet more traffic chaos in Pattaya, with thousands of Thais flocking there to gawp at stuff they can’t afford. Traffic police have been addressing the problem by painting no parking zones on the curbs next to gridlocked cars then arresting the drivers for parking violations. On the additional problems being caused by jaywalkers, the official advice was to “run them over.”

 

The Chinese owned Zero Dollars Tour Company has just opened its first luxury hotel in Pattaya. No expense has been spared - the right hand room on the second storey even has aircon…

 

 

Bar news kicks off with the closure of We Are The World beer bar, well known to devotees of the Soi 7 area and something of a local monument. Far East Rock 2 has now opened and Oasis A Go Go has reopened as predicted. There’s also a place called Duck Club opened on Soho Square. No idea what that’s about though.

 

The national powers-that-be have decided that all cats and dogs in Thailand will in future have to be registered at a cost of 450 baht each. Pattaya restaurant owners have warned that this may price them out of the market as they’ll have to pass this cost on to their customers.

 

Drift back in time now with a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in November 2008…

 

“Well, Pattaya’s still pretty quiet at the moment, apparently because the fear of being blown to buggery in the unrest around Bangkok has resulted in 80 per cent of Asian tourists deciding to stay away. This is believed to have caused Pattaya’s income from tourism to drop by a catastrophic two per cent.

Things haven’t been helped by the fact that it’s been pissing down for the last fortnight, so if you’re planning a visit in the near future, make sure you get an umbrella. You can buy them for 100 baht from street vendors or from the Nohab Convenience Store, on a stand between the Kevlar condoms and the Rebecca Adlington comedy noses.”

 

Reckon this dude’s been in Pattaya just a bit too long…

 

 

A Chinese tourist couldn’t have known what a shit storm he was about to unleash when he chucked a piece of litter on the ground at Bali Hai Port a few weeks back. His action was spotted by a municipal officer known as a ‘tessakit’ (or should that be ‘tosserkit’) and he was given an on-the-spot fine. However, as his tour boat was about to leave, a couple of guides on his tour kindly offered to sort the fine out for him. They did so, handed him the official receipt and asked him to stump up the cash. What they didn’t know was that the cunning little sod could read English and saw that the amount on the receipt had been altered to 3000 baht from 2000 baht, the figure that he’d also read clearly displayed on signs around the pier relating to this offence. He took the receipt to the police who concluded that it had been doctored by the guides to con him out of 1000 baht. The police referred the matter to the Chief of Immigration who immediately ordered the arrest and deportation of the guides for tampering with official documents and for working in Thailand illegally. He also ordered the arrest of the entire tour company staff for employing illegal workers and the deportation of the Chinese tourist and his tour group for being accessories. Bet he wishes he’d used a litter bin now. Silly bugger.

 

Local officials are to make a video promoting Pattaya to Chinese tourists in an attempt to lure them back after a dramatic drop in visitor numbers. They’ve decided that the video should not make reference to Chinese tourists being killed in bus crashes, scammed, shot, mugged, drowned, beaten up or eaten by indigenous wildlife as this tends to send out a negative message. Best of luck to them but, to be honest, if the tourists have already been to Pattaya once then it’s pretty much a lost cause. They probably also won’t want to mention that two City Hall employees have just been arrested for extorting money from Chinese tourists by fining them and then pocketing the money. It’s gonna have to be one hell of a video.

 

Finally, a Pattaya landlord was arrested last month after he killed one of his tenants for not paying his rent. Well he won’t be paying it now, will he?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko]

Enjoyed it as usual, thanks!

[michaelday]

Thanks Monkeyman. Always look forward to monthly ramblings!

[yorta2]

Nice! Enjoyed the ride.

[KOJO]

THANKX ! Next thing you know, I won't even be able to smoke in my own fucking house !! HA! HA! HA!

[jacko]

THANKX ! Next thing you know, I won't even be able to smoke in my own fucking house !! HA! HA! HA!

I also read smoking will be banned in Thai jails and tobacco there will be regarded as contraband, as opposed to a currency!

So you really are being restricted now!

[keyman]

I also read smoking will be banned in Thai jails and tobacco there will be regarded as contraband, as opposed to a currency!

So you really are being restricted now!

 

 

Already is in the UK!

[awesum4]

Already is in New Zealand. Next step is banning smoking in your car if children are present.

 

As restrictions increase on tobacco they ease on marijuana. I have never smoked tobacco, it helped kill both my parents, did smoke some dope in my younger days. But the dope now is 10 times as strong apparently. All drugs cause problems with booze being the biggest by far. But at what point do we let people be adults and make there own choices?

There is a strong move here to treat all drugs as a health problem, not a criminal one. Probably a good thing, criminalising it hasn't worked.

[short]

, criminalising it hasn't worked.

Not true. In the US it allows us to maintain the manpower to fight wild fires. With the recent increase in wild fires, we may have to increase the number of people we incarcerate to fight them.

[Kev]

I also read smoking will be banned in Thai jails and tobacco there will be regarded as contraband, as opposed to a currency!

So you really are being restricted now!

Hey but at least they will be able to shoot up from the home made pen needle in peace without that cigarette smoke bothering them, LOL.

[Nightrider]

Another entertaining instalment , cheers mr monkey......

Edited November 26, 2018 by Nightrider