Monkeywatch - March 2019

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in again, and welcome to our election special where we can announce that the result is….well we don’t know yet, so let’s talk about something else.   

Terminal 21 Shopping Mall has issued an apology after it was caught on video giving preferential treatment to rich patrons over disabled customers. When asked if he could give an assurance that this wouldn’t happen again, a mall representative said “No, but when it does happen again we’ll apologise again.”

Following reports of police raids on Pattaya chop shops, the police have issued a statement to make it clear that the raids in question were on garages and not gender reassignment clinics.

The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new strategy in which they plan to target Indian and Muslim tourists. The police have offered to help by loaning them a few of their best marksmen.

Police searching for a missing Chinese tourist announce a breakthrough after they find his penis near Pattaya Beach…

Pattaya is to host the World Weightlifting Championships in September but no Thais will be taking part as they’ve all been banned for drug infringements. Perhaps foot shooting would be a better sport for them. They’ve also had to withdraw from the 2020 Olympics, which is a great shame as several government ministers were expected to win medals in the dope test.

The annual market held every year in Naklua came to an end on February 24 with something call “Walk and Eat.” This was reportedly followed by something called “Bend and Puke.” A local caterer is helping police with their enquiries.

The local boys in brown have been coming under fire from residents and tourists for not enforcing the ban on motorcycles using the Pattaya Central Road Tunnel after several gangs of Thai yobs were spotted using it as a racetrack. A spokesman said the police didn’t have time for this as were too busy at the Najomtien roadblock extracting money from foreign tourists for passport and visa infringements - or anything else they could think of.

Tourists arriving for a stay at their new beachfront hotel find it isn’t quite finished yet…

This month’s bar news now, and there’s nothing much to report except a new Go Go on Soi Diamond called Nice, either as in pleasant or as in the city in France. Don’t suppose it matters which it is unless you’re a Frog, though it probably doesn’t matter to them either.    

Fancy some Korean Food? Then get yourself along to Babobros, a new Korean restaurant on Walking Street where Hot Girls A Go Go used to be. One bit of advice though. If you fancy a British dessert, don’t order the spotted dick – we’ve heard they make it out of offcuts from Dalmatians.

Forward to the past once more with a couple of memories from Monkeywatch of March 2009…

“The story of the moment just has to be the new proposal by City Hall to extend the width of the entire length of Beach road by 18 metres and possibly make it two way. This innovative idea could be of great benefit as it would give motorists a choice of two traffic jams to get stuck in after they’ve enjoyed a day relaxing on the remaining six inches of beach.   

A couple of Wednesdays ago, a bloke turned up at Banglamung Police Station to visit an imprisoned friend and was found to have loads of drugs stuffed in his pockets. His name, appropriately enough, turned out to be Atit, and the police have very kindly agreed to extend his visiting time by a couple of years.”

The bloke who used to work in here was told to feed the sharks. Which he did. Just the once…

There seems to a lot of British theme bars opening in Pattaya lately. Well one assumes that’s what they are as the beer’s warm and overpriced, the music’s too loud and the girls aren’t interested.

New research has indicated that breathing in Thailand may mean you’ll die up to four years sooner. Unfortunately, the only alternative option will kill you a bloody sight sooner than that.

An American trans queen visiting Thailand has said he finds the country to be more open to transgender people than the USA. No shit, Sherlock.

And finally, a naked Thai chap was arrested at the Mike Orchid Resort on Second Road after he went berserk and trashed his hotel room. Not so much a Full Moon Party as a Keith Moon Party?

be seeing you

monkeyman 

[BigusDicus]

"Best marksmen" ?

 

Edited March 25, 2019 by BigusDicus

[michaelday]

Thanks Monkeyman. Another chucklesome edition of your monthly musings

[teelack]

Once again thank you for your continued zaniness. Pier 21. Is this the place where no one goes to? I was there 3 weeks ago and other than that cheap food outlets it was deserted. If I had shares I would be selling them assuming I could find a buyer.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

[Bob Belzy]

2 hours ago, teelack said:

Once again thank you for your continued zaniness. Pier 21. Is this the place where no one goes to? I was there 3 weeks ago and other than that cheap food outlets it was deserted. If I had shares I would be selling them assuming I could find a buyer.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk
 

I didn't see anything cheap in Terminal 21, including the food. A horrible, fake and useless place.

[teelack]

1 hour ago, Bob Belzy said:

I didn't see anything cheap in Terminal 21, including the food. A horrible, fake and useless place.

I agree in general however I took a lady there as did a friend of mine. We both had meals and paid under 100 baht for the two people. The food was OK but for me not hot enough.With exception of the theme  and general decor it offers nothing more than Central does. It is also out of the way for a lot of people. 

[Bob Belzy]

I obviously didn't look close enough. All I noticed were 300+ Baht burgers etc.

[jacko]

16 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

I obviously didn't look close enough. All I noticed were 300+ Baht burgers etc.

Other than the food court (queue up 3 times craziness) it is simply an overpriced collection of pending failures. I used the cinema, nice enough but bring a jacket. Tried a small Thai food restaurant, rather overpriced, but quality good. After the film the place was near crowded midweek. Asian tourists mostly, and I believe usually so at weekends, but I got an impression of window shoppers and not a lot of buying going on. As seems to happen in Pattaya, the Mall market has been saturated.

[biggles]

Bob, you need to head to the food court on the top level. Very cheap meals, from 35 baht as I recall. I agree that some of the restaurants are very over-priced.,

[Bob Belzy]

3 hours ago, biggles said:

Bob, you need to head to the food court on the top level. Very cheap meals, from 35 baht as I recall. I agree that some of the restaurants are very over-priced.,

I don't think I'll plan on visiting again any time soon, but thanks for the heads up.