Bar Humor

[atlas2 4,329]

'OK says the teacher...Poetry today.....Who can put the word 'pistol' in a poem......'

Jennifer's hand shoots up.

'Go on Jennifer.......'

'My daddy is a policeman

He wears a suit of blue.

He carries with him a truncheon and a pistol too'

'Very well done Jennifer.........You clever girl. Can anyone match Jennifer's wonderful poem?

Slowly Johnny raises his hand.

Johnny? Really? ......Are you sure you want to try?

Johnny nods......'Oh well go on then..... You might as well have a go.'

'My daddy's not a policeman.......

He has no suit of blue.....

He 'signs on' every Thursday......

And goes on the piss 'till two.'

 

Edited June 2, 2019 by atlas2

[VPI78 11,516]

[atlas2 4,329]

Like that.

[Bob Belzy 150]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".

[Sir William Connolly]

[VPI78 11,516]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

18 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".

[Sir William Connolly]

That one definately grows on you.

[atlas2 4,329]

A Drake invites his duck lady friend out for a meal......

No expense spared he wines and dines her with a delicious chicken dinner........a plate of corn.

Then he roles his eyes upwards and says....'I've taken the riberty of booking a room'

She blushes and nudges him gently with her wing......'What kind of duck do you take me for?'

'Da most bootiful duck on the lake'

She laughs.....He takes her by the wing and leads her up to the room......

Settling down for some fun.......She insists on using a condom.

The drake picks up the phone....(I don't how he did that I think he used his wing) and from Room Service he orders a condom be brought up immediately.

Room service arrives with a condom on a silver platter .......'Would sir like me to put this on your bill?'

No!!....... On my dick......D'you fink I'm some kind of pervert!"

Edited June 3, 2019 by atlas2

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

43 minutes ago, midlifecrisis said:

That one definately grows on you.

Now there's warts and hair.

[Bob Belzy 150]

I man injured in a work incident needs to get a partial ear transplant, but when he gets to the hospital they tell him, "sorry but we have no human ear material left, but we can use some from a pig"

The man agrees and the transplant goes ahead. He grows out his hair a little so people won't notice the scars and then waits for his check up.

The doctor asks "How is your ear?" and the man says "It's okay, but there's a little bit of crackling in it"

Edited June 3, 2019 by Bob Belzy

[Bob Belzy 150]

A man walks into a bar with a pancake on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pancake on your head?" The man replies, "It's an old family tradition. We always wear pancakes on Shrove Tuesday." The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday." Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

This has not been a funny day. I had a great day btw!

[teelack 9,640]

5 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

I man injured in a work incident needs to get a partial ear transplant, but when he gets to the hospital they tell him, "sorry but we have no human ear material left, but we can use some from a pig"

The man agrees and the transplant goes ahead. He grows out his hair a little so people won't notice the scars and then waits for his check up.

The doctor asks "How is your ear?" and the man says "It's okay, but there's a little bit of crackling in it"

Just as a matter of interest. I loved this one and was going to make a copy. I usually, when home, join a bunch of guys for a few beers and one of them always starts the day with hoary old chestnuts. The above would be right up his street until I recalled that he had half of one ear removed due to skin cancer! This would have been as uncomfortable as me telling someone of the name Percy when and where it originated according to "1066 and all that". It a bit of a play on King Harold getting the arrow in the eye hence 'Pierce - Eye= Percy' . Only when I got to the explanation did I recall that she indeed only have one eye!. Shit!

[Bushcraft 2,581]

King Harold's last words were reportedly: Watch that fucker with the bow and arrow, he'll have somebody's eye out!

Another version is that they were: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'A'.

[Bob Belzy 150]

[Bob Belzy 150]

[Bob Belzy 150]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

14 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

This reminds me of extreme Dilbert.

Back where you belong I see.

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

1 minute ago, Bob Belzy said:

I have a heart condition.

[Bob Belzy 150]

3 hours ago, midlifecrisis said:

I have a heart condition.

So do I, I am in love with pussy.

[VPI78 11,516]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

Punny

[gs joe 1,776]

What happened to the women who sat on a circular saw

                                              Dis-arse-her 

[VPI78 11,516]

[Bob Belzy 150]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

A new convict, spending his first night in prison, can't sleep. Lying on his bunk he hears another prisoner shout, "two" which is followed by immediate laughter by the other prisoners. Some time later he hears yet another inmate yell, "Fourteen". That too is followed by uproarious laughter.

In the morning at chow he asks a fellow prisoner what that was all about.

The other prisoner explains that the screws come down on them hard for talking at night and so jokes are numerically coded.

The new prisoner asks if he can try and shouts out "twelve" but nobody laughs. So he asks the second prisoner what happened.

The second prisoner responds, "It just goes to show some people can't tell a joke."

Edited June 6, 2019 by midlifecrisis