Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,508]

A priest decides to go for a walk downtown.

He ends up in a bad hood and gets approached by a hooker. She asks him " hey father, want a bj ... twenty bucks?" The priest gets flustered and heads back to the church.

He sees a nun and asks her "Sister, what's a Bj?"

She replies "twenty bucks, same as downtown."

[VPI78 11,508]

Did you hear the one about this man from West Virginia who came home and found his wife packing her bags?

When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I'm leaving you! I just found out that you were a pedophile!" 

The man responded, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."

[VPI78 11,508]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even
more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Edited July 6, 2020 by BigusDicus
Do not know why it will not just play. Clever, cute naked blonde.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

It is getting warmer out there...

 

[VPI78 11,508]

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[gs joe 1,776]

What’s up Doc ?

[VPI78 11,508]

This abrasive little chinese guy goes into a bar where a white guy is bartending. He says "Hey honky how bout a gin & tonky?"

The white guy smirks a little and says "Okay." The little chinese man slams it and says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?" And the white man not amused gives it to him and he chugs it.

Then the little chinese man says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?" The white bartender says, "Okay look here you little skeet dumb muthafucka LAST ONE."

The little china man replies "Why?" The white bartender says, "Because I don't like the way you speak to me.... how would you like it if I spoke to you that way?

The Chinese guy thinks about it for a second and says "Okay (as he gets behind the bar, signalling the bartender to the other side)" The white guy pretends to walk into the bar and says to the china man, "Hey slope how bout a drink?" And the china man says, "Sorry we don't serve honkys."

[VPI78 11,508]

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Texas?

A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
 

[VPI78 11,508]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

2 hours ago, VPI78 said:

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Texas?

A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
 

Now we understand why Awesum wears button-fly....

[gs joe 1,776]

[forcebwithu 4,853]

[awesum4 2,333]

16 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

Now we understand why Awesum wears button-fly....

I ain't from Texas.

  I only wear button-fly trousers at work....its a long story.

[gs joe 1,776]

This is shit a shit the shit ???

 

 

[awesum4 2,333]

4 hours ago, gs joe said:

This is shit a shit the shit ???

 

 

That guy is "THE" shit from start to finish.

[gs joe 1,776]

1 hour ago, awesum4 said:

That guy is "THE" shit from start to 

imagine trying to explain the connotations to a TG 

[VPI78 11,508]

Q. What's about six inches long, has a big head, and women can't get enough of?
A. The new hundred dollar bill

[VPI78 11,508]

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband.

Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

 

This spot is taken. Move on.

[VPI78 11,508]

Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind their relatives about its harsh conditions. Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.

It wasn't obvious how much phone charges would be so they decide to go to Devil who is the boss.

The American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then the Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on the basis that Italy is less wealthy than the US.

Finally the Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complain that the Iraqi was being treated preferentially to which the Devil answered; "Your calls were international and the Iraqi's call was local."

[yorta2 693]

Had to post this