Bar Humor

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John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million." 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[cunneyes 206]

[BigusDicus 9,881]

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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cheese scones. Was it heaven?

Or! was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cheese scone was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ...

"Fuck off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

[forcebwithu 4,856]

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[BigusDicus 9,881]

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A successful expat is hobbling his way home through Pattaya beach road one evening. "Hey, Handsome, how about it?"

"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."

"Ah, come on," says the pooying, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the ST hotel he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," says the pooying, exhausted, "that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still fuck, my love," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

[Broughton 497]

[BigusDicus 9,881]

 

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
The whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said,

"Not an excuse, you can still use your other hand to write."
 

Edited January 29, 2022 by BigusDicus

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3 men in a prison ... a rapist, a psycho and a shirt lifter:

Rapist, If i find a cat here, I'll fuck it until it dies

Psycho, and once it's dead, I'll fuck it until I die

Shirt Lifter, standing in a corner softly says Meooww ...

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[Pine Tree 252]

On 1/27/2022 at 8:46 PM, BigusDicus said:

Now that's intriguing. 

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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Broughton 497]

[BigusDicus 9,881]

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The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an eMail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Marie, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. There is something very odd going on here. Marie would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she didn't receive your eMail!"

[Broughton 497]

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A sexy young pooying went out to Jomtien beach ... while sunbathing, an old but successful expat asked her if he could squeeze one of her boobs.

The pooying got mad and stood up but the old man said I will pay you 500 Baht if you let me squeeze one ...

The pooying got furious and was now ready to leave. The old man stopped her and said ... let me just squeeze it for a short time and this time I will pay 1000 Baht.

So the pooying  thought that it wasn't a bad idea. So she told the old expat that he can squeeze it for 1000 ... The old man squeezed one boob and said " OH MON DIEUUUUU!"

" OHHH MON DIEUUUUU!" " HELP ME!!!!" " WHERE WILL I GET 1000 Baht?"

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[BigusDicus 9,881]

Wokeness is acknowledgement of victimhood, especially victims of the proper sort. Victims of oppression. It's cool to be a victim. Do you have a claim to victimhood? You may be entitled to substantial compensation.

[Broughton 497]

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