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BigusDicus

Bar Humor

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Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.

I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me, said Obama. Just name it, and it's yours! I want a ride on Air Force One, said the first boy. You've got it!, said Obama.

I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school, said the second boy. No problem!, said Obama.

The third boy thought for a moment, and said; I want a wheelchair. But why would you want that?, asked Obama.

Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!

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4 Year-Old's First Paycheck


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her; let her sit with them, while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew, building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."

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Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.
I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me, said Obama. Just name it, and it's yours! I want a ride on Air Force One, said the first boy. You've got it!, said Obama.
I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school, said the second boy. No problem!, said Obama.
The third boy thought for a moment, and said; I want a wheelchair. But why would you want that?, asked Obama.
Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!
Thanks for the joke. I may retell it but the guy failing through the ice may be renamed.

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, teelack said:

Thanks for the joke. I may retell it but the guy failing through the ice may be renamed. emoji4.png

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk
 

Someone once told me that 90% of jokes world-wide are the same, just alter the names.

I know in Texas that is true; Aggies v. Horns, wetbacks v. gringos, crackers v. sambos, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Edited by VPI78

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Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." - Jay Leno
 

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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen".

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Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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4 hours ago, Bullfrog said:

Same as me today. I went into town and got wellied !!

Normal day, then!! 😆

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The french are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for five dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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22 hours ago, VPI78 said:

A beautiful young woman very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!"

The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Have you never seen a naked woman?" "Yes, many times!" the bartender replies.

"Then why are you staring? the woman asks."

"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for your beer!"

Very good. Reminds me of the female magician who does her tricks totally naked...I watched her act very closely....I presume her videos are still available on youtube

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A chav is a sat at a pub when this really camp, tearoom queen walks in. He sits next to the chav and has a few drinks.

A little later on when he's a bit drunk he leans to the chav and whispers " how about a blowjob?", the chav goes mad and starts hitting him over the head with his stool and drags him outside. The chav then comes back in and starts drinking his pint again.

The barman asks, "I see you in here everyday and you never act like that. What did he say to make you so angry?", The chav replies "Dunno something about a job."

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16 hours ago, awesum4 said:

Very good. Reminds me of the female magician who does her tricks totally naked...I watched her act very closely....I presume her videos are still available on youtube

That would be Ursula Martinez.

 

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
 

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