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Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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Here's one that make me laugh out loud. There's a new handiman at the zoo. He's given 3 jobs for his first day. First, clean the weeds out of the fishpond, for which he's given a shovel. Ste

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The french are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for five dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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22 hours ago, VPI78 said:

A beautiful young woman very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!"

The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Have you never seen a naked woman?" "Yes, many times!" the bartender replies.

"Then why are you staring? the woman asks."

"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for your beer!"

Very good. Reminds me of the female magician who does her tricks totally naked...I watched her act very closely....I presume her videos are still available on youtube

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A chav is a sat at a pub when this really camp, tearoom queen walks in. He sits next to the chav and has a few drinks.

A little later on when he's a bit drunk he leans to the chav and whispers " how about a blowjob?", the chav goes mad and starts hitting him over the head with his stool and drags him outside. The chav then comes back in and starts drinking his pint again.

The barman asks, "I see you in here everyday and you never act like that. What did he say to make you so angry?", The chav replies "Dunno something about a job."

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16 hours ago, awesum4 said:

Very good. Reminds me of the female magician who does her tricks totally naked...I watched her act very closely....I presume her videos are still available on youtube

That would be Ursula Martinez.

 

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
 

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A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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On 8/1/2020 at 3:23 AM, forcebwithu said:

That would be Ursula Martinez.

 

I once watched a very similar act almost 40 years ago in Hamburg . Unfortunately the lady who did the act was a bit of a battle axe and her act was so poor she was almost demanding applause from a fairly unimpressed audience the upshot was her storming off at what I thought was not the end of her act. The rest of this all fucking all sucking show was a great hit and I was lucky enough NOT to get a close look feel or kiss of the tranny Boy who was offering tricks to the audience, before he took off his pants.

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There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "What would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant.

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Vp i loved that. Before i changed careers, more pussy in hospitals than in an office. I was an accountant. My mentor explained we make 3 sets of books. One for the bank showing we are doing well, one for the IRS showing we are losing money and one for the owners showing the real story. Not a public company so possible back then. 

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56 minutes ago, sailingbill said:

Vp i loved that. Before i changed careers, more pussy in hospitals than in an office. I was an accountant. My mentor explained we make 3 sets of books. One for the bank showing we are doing well, one for the IRS showing we are losing money and one for the owners showing the real story. Not a public company so possible back then. 

Often still happens today...

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Here's a nerdy one told me many years ago in my uni days by a computer science major. 

A practical IQ test is devised in which the curtains in a room have been set on fire. A bucket of water and fire extinguisher are supplied in the room.

A physicist, an accountant and a mathematician are tested.

The physicist enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "The fire retardant can smother the flames more efficiently than the water." He uses the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. 

The accountant enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "Water is cheaper than flame retardant." He uses the bucket of water to put out the fire.

The mathematician enters the room, looks at the bucket of water, then looks at the fire extinguisher and says, "Yes, I can solve that," and leaves.

:blush::blush::blush::blush:

 

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3 hours ago, MeGoDanceNow said:

Here's a nerdy one told me many years ago in my uni days by a computer science major. 

A practical IQ test is devised in which the curtains in a room have been set on fire. A bucket of water and fire extinguisher are supplied in the room.

A physicist, an accountant and a mathematician are tested.

The physicist enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "The fire retardant can smother the flames more efficiently than the water." He uses the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. 

The accountant enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "Water is cheaper than flame retardant." He uses the bucket of water to put out the fire.

The mathematician enters the room, looks at the bucket of water, then looks at the fire extinguisher and says, "Yes, I can solve that," and leaves.

:blush::blush::blush::blush:

 

Sort of a version of an optimist/pessimist and a half full glass of water.

They bring in an engineer to break the tie who tells them ... the glass is the wrong size.

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