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BigusDicus

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A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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On 8/1/2020 at 3:23 AM, forcebwithu said:

That would be Ursula Martinez.

 

I once watched a very similar act almost 40 years ago in Hamburg . Unfortunately the lady who did the act was a bit of a battle axe and her act was so poor she was almost demanding applause from a fairly unimpressed audience the upshot was her storming off at what I thought was not the end of her act. The rest of this all fucking all sucking show was a great hit and I was lucky enough NOT to get a close look feel or kiss of the tranny Boy who was offering tricks to the audience, before he took off his pants.

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There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "What would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant.

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Vp i loved that. Before i changed careers, more pussy in hospitals than in an office. I was an accountant. My mentor explained we make 3 sets of books. One for the bank showing we are doing well, one for the IRS showing we are losing money and one for the owners showing the real story. Not a public company so possible back then. 

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56 minutes ago, sailingbill said:

Vp i loved that. Before i changed careers, more pussy in hospitals than in an office. I was an accountant. My mentor explained we make 3 sets of books. One for the bank showing we are doing well, one for the IRS showing we are losing money and one for the owners showing the real story. Not a public company so possible back then. 

Often still happens today...

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Here's a nerdy one told me many years ago in my uni days by a computer science major. 

A practical IQ test is devised in which the curtains in a room have been set on fire. A bucket of water and fire extinguisher are supplied in the room.

A physicist, an accountant and a mathematician are tested.

The physicist enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "The fire retardant can smother the flames more efficiently than the water." He uses the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. 

The accountant enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "Water is cheaper than flame retardant." He uses the bucket of water to put out the fire.

The mathematician enters the room, looks at the bucket of water, then looks at the fire extinguisher and says, "Yes, I can solve that," and leaves.

:blush::blush::blush::blush:

 

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3 hours ago, MeGoDanceNow said:

Here's a nerdy one told me many years ago in my uni days by a computer science major. 

A practical IQ test is devised in which the curtains in a room have been set on fire. A bucket of water and fire extinguisher are supplied in the room.

A physicist, an accountant and a mathematician are tested.

The physicist enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "The fire retardant can smother the flames more efficiently than the water." He uses the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. 

The accountant enters the room, looks at the bucket of water and fire extinguisher and says, "Water is cheaper than flame retardant." He uses the bucket of water to put out the fire.

The mathematician enters the room, looks at the bucket of water, then looks at the fire extinguisher and says, "Yes, I can solve that," and leaves.

:blush::blush::blush::blush:

 

Sort of a version of an optimist/pessimist and a half full glass of water.

They bring in an engineer to break the tie who tells them ... the glass is the wrong size.

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Vpn another brilliant post. I was a young boy in a semi rural area. Safe handling of firearms was absolute. My son , Eagle scout and engineer,  was well schooled in safety in the scouts. The ridiculous state programs teach nothing useful. sorry i know ot

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11 hours ago, sailingbill said:

Vpn another brilliant post. I was a young boy in a semi rural area. Safe handling of firearms was absolute. My son , Eagle scout and engineer,  was well schooled in safety in the scouts. The ridiculous state programs teach nothing useful. sorry i know ot

Although it's a little different in the countryside these days in the US; not by much. It's still common in my part of Texas to get your first rifle before a bicycle; drive a tractor well before a car, and then it's much more likely to be a pickup.

It's similar for me in the Thai countryside; i.e., if you only watch MSM, or monitor city type media you might assume most Thais are taxi drivers, bargirls, or subsistence farmers. Like anywhere else there seems to be a more or less silent majority who want mostly to be left to themselves and when change does occur it is very slow.

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Puerto Rican rapper Lloyd Banks was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

Lloyd said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

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Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out ipods. So they knocked on this guy's door and said trick or treat. The guy asked them what they were dressed as?

The little girl said "Jack n Jill" The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill you're black" So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal" The guy says "You can't be Hansel n Gretal you're. black"

So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later. This time they were naked. The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says "M&M's, I'm plain and he got nuts."

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So, I'm thinkin' this guy died just to get the hell away from his family.

 

David N.jpg

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On 8/5/2020 at 8:13 PM, VPI78 said:

Although it's a little different in the countryside these days in the US; not by much. It's still common in my part of Texas to get your first rifle before a bicycle; drive a tractor well before a car, and then it's much more likely to be a pickup.

It's similar for me in the Thai countryside; i.e., if you only watch MSM, or monitor city type media you might assume most Thais are taxi drivers, bargirls, or subsistence farmers. Like anywhere else there seems to be a more or less silent majority who want mostly to be left to themselves and when change does occur it is very slow.

Was in Nampong a few months ago. When we pulled in to the large uncles farm at night. . About 15-kids and adults on those elevated decks outside.. Large pots cooking on an open fire. I thought a little like a scene from Apocolayse Now   No drinking, not good for me as im an alcoholic.  A girl sitting next to me schooling a young man on filling out a job application. Family.  Uncle saw my interest in the farm and gave me a tour. I thought damn i wish i could live here but cannot.

As a boy i walked down my street with my shotgun on my shoulder on the way to the woods. If i tried it today there would be helicopters and swat teams. 

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2 hours ago, Kev said:

Bill you suffering from boonies disease?

 

Every time im in Issan i do love it. In Nomphong we would walk around looking at farms.People would stop and offer us a ride. At first i was a little freaked about that . In America if some one offers a ride its probably trouble.She explained people just help each other here.    The first girl from Roi Et had a job buying rice.for a co op .At first i thought that was good but being left alone sucked. During harvest season she sometimes worked 6 days a week.  I wandered in the back and  tried to feed the cows. They just looked at me like Thats close enough sucker. Came very close to buying an 80 acre farm in West Virginia. Moved here instead , no regrets.

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A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies.

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man`s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "It`s not a porch. It's a Mercedes."

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Posted (edited)

Is there a dog?

 

It sounds like you have lost your faith is dog.

No, the dog is dyslexic.

 

If he read Nietzsche he knows the dog is dead!

 

Edited by BigusDicus

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A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

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