Monkeywatch - October 2015

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s sneaky sojourn in Soggy City.

Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had been installed and “it would never happen again”.

 

Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest.

 

There are so many Chinese tour groups in Pattaya now that the tour guides have taken to putting mascots on top of their sticks so the bunch of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings they’ve got in tow don’t end up following the wrong one. It was certainly something of a surreal experience the other night to witness a group of 30 or so assorted Orientals following a rubber chicken round Walking Street. Still, as they say on Koh Larn, whatever sinks your boat.

 

Never try to get a Thai to work during his T break…

 

 

There was a bit of a to do in a popular Soi 15 Go Go bar a couple of weeks ago when a power surge knocked out the sound system. Go Go bars definitely don’t work well without music but what can you do? Somebody suggested a singalong like they used to have in the London Underground during the blitz, but most of us decided we’d rather go somewhere else than spend the rest of the evening singing ‘We’ll Meet Again’ and wanking off to old photos of Vera Lynn.

 

Another well-known establishment in the area has started putting on live music shows on Friday evenings, featuring a chap who reportedly didn’t perform on any of the hits of 70’s Brit pop band Brotherhood of Man, an achievement that he shares with me and no doubt with most of his audiences. It’s a good night though – go along and take a look.

 

Anyone walking along Pattaya beach recently would have noticed that a big change has occurred – the complete disappearance of the jet skis. This hasn’t yet been fully explained, though it’s rumoured they’re being lined up to replace the baht buses until City Hall can get the drains sorted out. The Pattaya Engineers Department are currently hard at work removing storm debris from the drainage pipelines and have already cleared out rocks, mud, cement, furniture, a couple of beer bars and most of the new Beach Road promenade.

Nice to see that the usual exemplary safety record on Pattaya building sites is being meticulously maintained…

 

 

Bar news now, and last week saw the closure of Fairies Club (the no name place on Walking Street) after a very short existence. Well, with a name like that it was never going to last long. Ninja A Go Go is due to open shortly on Soi LK Metro. Think we can guess who their target audience is likely to be.

 

Why can’t Indians just get onto a bloody baht bus without having to have a 10 minute conversation with the driver first? Look, if any of you are reading this, the fare is 10 baht, okay? That’s it. Period. Unless the driver accuses you of scratching the bus, in which case it’s 20,010 baht.

 

Actually, there’s a huge amount of Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Christ, the place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Perhaps someone should tell them that the glasses/moustache/greasy hair look might wow the girls in Mumbai but it doesn’t exactly set the Thai chicks on fire. Haven’t got a bloody clue, have they? Perhaps one day they’ll get to understand Pattaya and end up going home happy instead of with an empty wallet and a perforated arsehole.

 

Three Thai men were arrested last week after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach…

 

 

Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed.

 

It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all.

 

Finally, Brit snooker stars Jimmy White and Ken Docherty have been spotted around the LK Metro area several times recently. Don’t worry lads, your secret’s safe with me. And anybody who reads The Sun next week.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

Edited October 12, 2015 by monkeyman

[capdagde 1,954]

I recognise that "Safety First" photo!

[teelack 9,639]

As usual a good read and great to start the day with a laugh.

 

Where is the place that has the Friday night music show or is that a secret?

 

Question. According to this forum the cost of nooky in Pattaya is soaring. If so why is it so popular with the Indians? Perhaps they are negotiating a bulk deal?

[jacko 8,814]

Funny, witty and so apt as usual!

[Nightrider 340]

Another gem of a read Mr Monkey.........

[zyphur 31]

Very good laugh this month.......but I thought it was 10 for a bhat bus and 20 for a tuk-tuk.......but then again I may be accused of being a LDOP.............thanks as always

[Bob Belzy 150]

I recognise that "Safety First" photo!

 

Similar one on Phra Man Tak Soi 4

[tallguy 1,474]

Looks like the police shot the guys you reckoned were stealing the beach

 

[jacko 8,814]

Great 'OOOOps' pic there tallguy!

Contender for caption contest.....

'Somchai though he saw a 10 baht coin at the bottom'........

 

Plenty of examples of the recent rains in town with teeth shattering road surfaces and crappy repairs that have been washed out.

Soi Chayaphun is like the lunar surface again.

Prepare to have your teeth cracked as you enter Tesco from North Rd.

The one above got me as I was still dazed after the pothole from Phettrakun onto North Rd.

Edited October 20, 2015 by jacko

[atlas2 4,329]

You better watch those monkeys...!