Monkeywatch - March 2016

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s special bridge edition. And no, there isn’t a slope on it.

 

It seems that Thailand is fed up of being labelled as a cheap destination and now wants to attract ‘premium visitors’. Like the sort of people who belong to bridge clubs?

 

Having obviously decided that the bridge incident wasn’t enough to put people off going to Pattaya, over 100 police carried out a raid on Walking Street bars and arrested 30 foreigners for not carrying their passports around with them (which we all do of course). Reports say that they were detained at the Tourist Police Station until they produced their passports, which were presumably back at their hotels. Clever trick if you can do it.

A Thai bloke was arrested the other week for impersonating a police officer after being reported to the real police by a woman in East Pattaya. She told them that the man had arrested her at an ATM machine on some trumped up charge and tried to extort 20,000 baht out of her to secure her release. It has not yet been established what led the woman to suspect that he wasn’t a real police officer.

 

In Germany, this is a bridge spoiler…

 

 

In Thailand, this is a bridge spoiler…

 

 

We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings.

 

A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling.

 

When they’re not investigating organised bridge gangs, the Army busy themselves with other important matters of national security like beach umbrellas. They’ve told the Beach Road deckchair vendors that they must have their sun umbrellas either all open or all closed. One vendor complained that this was a bridge too far, at which point his plot of beach was raided by 200 police officers who proceeded to frisk his customers and confiscate 17 credit cards, 12 business cards, 42 postcards and 4 birthday cards. Fortunately for the hapless victims, the total number came to less than 120 cards so they were allowed to go on their way after each receiving a 500 baht fine and a whack over the head with a nightstick.

 

The owner of this helmet was sensible and was wearing it when he crashed. We know this ‘cos his head’s still inside it…

 

 

Bar news now, and it’s been a quiet month. Harem A Go Go on Walking Street has ‘temporarily closed for renovations’ and Zero a Go Go on LK Metro appears to have closed on a less temporary basis. Beach Club has moved from Soi 15 to Soi Happy and been replaced by Spice Club. On the up side, Bliss A Go Go is getting ready to open on Walking Street. Oh, and three of the Ruskie joints on Walking Street have closed. The party’s over, comrades.

A female quality tourist from Scotland was refused entry to Thailand after ripping pages from her passport to wipe her arse while she was pissed out of her mind. Immigration officials listened to her explanation about the missing pages but decided to deport her back to Glasgow on the grounds that she was a shitfaced jock slapper, apparently a specific offence in their rule book.

 

A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face.

 

Local engineers have come up with another winner – the motorised sandbag…

 

 

A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl.

 

Police arrested 11 people at a shop in Central Pattaya the other Friday morning after a tip off that alcohol was being sold out of hours and gambling was taking place. The shop owner was charged with making illegal alcohol sales and the rest with illegal gambling, though the much more serious charge of playing bridge while over the age of 65 was dropped.

 

Finally, a Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it.

 

No bridges were harmed during the writing of these stories.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

Edited March 10, 2016 by monkeyman

[Billions]

Excelente!

[yorta2]

[Basil B]

New police policy, charge any old farang with any old trumped up charge.

 

Bail them at 5,000B each.

 

When it becomes apparent that the charges will not stick, drop them but conveniently forget to inform them that charges have been dropped, and keep bail money as so called bridging loan.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Basil B

[capdagde]

Some real LOLs - great!

 

P.S. When your bridge jokes run out, you'll find yourself having to build some bridges I'd wager.

 

Andy Cap

[izzyg]

That german bridge spoiler is on a India red 1991 Porsche 944. I've had one just like that. Great memories....

[TheFiend]

Excellent as always Monkeyman!!!

 

That german bridge spoiler is on a India red 1991 Porsche 944. I've had one just like that. Great memories....

 

S2 or Turbo? I had an 87 944S

Edited March 12, 2016 by TheFiend

[izzyg]

Excellent as always Monkeyman!!!

 

 

S2 or Turbo? I had an 87 944S

S2. Fun car, but it was expensive to maintain.

[Nightrider]

Great read as usual mr monkey........

[michaelday]

Thank you for your complete and unabridged round up of the happenings in funtown

[monkeyman]

That german bridge spoiler is on a India red 1991 Porsche 944. I've had one just like that. Great memories....

 

 

[TheFiend]

S2. Fun car, but it was expensive to maintain.

 

Yep, definitely a fun car!!!