Monkeywatch 10th Anniversary Edition - May 2016

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and core coon crap for dropping in to celebrate an unbelievable 10 years of this disreputable little diatribe. To mark this auspicious occasion, there’s a new feature (not before time) to remind us of things gone by, but more of that later. On with the news.

 

Have you heard about the new top-end tourist attraction in Pattaya that took 10 years to build and cost 200 million baht? Well you won’t now, cos it burned to the ground last Friday shortly before it was due to open its doors for the first time. Stop sniggering at the back.

 

Local police have equipped 50 of their officers with helmet-mounted cameras to “help them better document their work”. The officers said they liked the idea in principle but were finding it difficult to fasten the zips of their trousers.

 

A man burgling a house on Soi Chaiyapun was so shocked when confronted by the owner of the property who turned out to be a local police officer that he dropped dead on the spot. Absolutely shocking. The police shouldn’t be wasting time arresting criminals when there’s a whole city full of bars to be raided.

 

An update has been issued about how the Pattaya Beach clean-up measures are going. It said “Badly.”

In an attempt to reduce crime, Pattaya has introduced its own version of on-the-spot fines…

 

 

Right, time for the new feature. Every month there’ll be a story from exactly 10 years ago to remind us of how things have (or haven’t) changed. So here we go with a snippet from the very first Monkeywatch in May 2006…

 

“The latest news from the government is that all infrastructure projects in Thailand have been suspended. Various plans have been put forward as cost-cutting measures, such as the planned new buses being replaced by conga lines. It’s also been suggested that, instead of building new light rail lines to reduce the number of cars in Bangkok, they could achieve the same result by letting Indians drive the taxis for a couple of days.”

 

The Royal Varuna Yacht Club in Pattaya is to host this year’s Optimist World Championship. The special guest at the event will be the contestant from 2015 who came last but thought he’d done quite well so was declared the winner.

 

Pattaya is the host for The Air, Sea, Land Games Thailand Open 2016 which begins on May 11. The featured sports include Jet Ski, Boating, Rock Climbing, Football, Diving and Shooting, so we can expect an influx of jet ski scammers… (and rock climbing scammers, diving scammers, boating scammers…) All contestants will be tested for drugs to make sure they haven’t forgotten to take them.

 

A crackdown has been ordered against illegal signs as they “block the scenery and make the area look ugly”. If that’s true perhaps they should consider a crackdown on Chinese tourists as well.

 

The annual Pattaya Fishing Contest is temporarily suspended after one of the contestants is suspected of cheating…

 

 

Bar news time, and the first news is that Only O on Soi Diamond has closed. Well actually it’s the last news as well as there’s bugger all else to report. Well, except that Shark Club has closed but the word is that Spice Club is now Shark Club in all but name so in fact it’s Spice Club that’s closed, except that it’s still there so it hasn’t. Glad we’ve cleared that up.

 

Locals have complained to City Hall about all the assorted crap in the water by Bali Hai Pier, saying that the place was starting to look like Pattaya Beach. Officials have agreed that if it looks that bad then urgent action is needed.

The former Secretary to the Minister of Education celebrated his 64^th birthday last week at his Pattaya home. Christ, that must have set the local society calendar on fire. No wonder then that the media saw fit to report on this fascinating event. And they call that news? They’ll be reporting on somebody falling into a fish pond next.

 

It’s been reported that a Thai man fell into a fish pond in South Pattaya last Friday. The incident took place in a temple on Moo 10. A spokesman said “The man is as well as can be expected under the circumstances. He’s dead.” He was apparently discovered by a monk while he was cleaning out the pond. Well, you know how it is. You’re cleaning out a fish pond, your mind on other things. You probably don’t notice the odd corpse floating around for a while.

 

Beach vendors who complained about the filthy old bags on Beach Road have said they would like to make it clear that they were referring to the sand bags put in place last year to prevent beach erosion…

 

 

 

Residents in Thepprasit have complained to City Hall about large quantities of septic waste being dumped in their vicinity. They were promptly sent on their way after being told that American tour groups had as much right to visit the area as anyone else.

 

Here’s a bit of a twist. An incident was reported in Naklua a few days ago in which a Thai was given a kicking by seven tourists. Now that’s a real man bites dog story – except it doesn’t have a dog…or a bite.

 

Police announced last Tuesday that they had arrested three major drug dealers, one of whom had been found to be in possession of four yabba tablets. The phrase ‘must try harder’ springs to mind. Like in the good old days when police found a bloke with a few hundred yabba tablets hidden in his anus – probably the most effective anti-drugs message they’d ever issued.

 

City Hall has launched a new initiative called ‘Preventative Measure for Life and Belongings of Tourists’ (where do they get all these catchy little names from?) in order to “enforce zero crime against tourists.” They’ve even introduced a mascot called “Mr Care For You” to ensure the campaign’s success. Well that’s it then, job done. We can all put our gold chains back on and stuff our baht into our back pockets in complete safety. Apart from the four people who showed up at the police station less than 48 hours later to report that they’d been robbed by ladyboys.

 

Finally, a big thanks to all of you who’ve supported this squalid little publication with your patronage and kind comments over the last 10 years. Without your support, we wouldn’t still be here after all this time. So you’ve got a lot to answer for.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[gs joe]

Seems like more ,?don't time fly when your having

 

Thanks Joe

Edited May 15, 2016 by gs joe

[tallguy]

Thanks for 10 years of amusing musings.?

[Basil B]

Looking forward to the next ten years...

 

Edited May 15, 2016 by Basil B

[jacko]

Great stuff, hilarity, cynicism and irony blended to perfection.

[soisurfer]

Tempis fugit

[MM]

Thanks for the ongoing insight into Pattaya goings-on. Ten years? Wow!

[steve.com]

Thank you been very entertaining over the years look forward to the next 10 :-)

 

Sent from my Lenovo A5500-F using Tapatalk

[Fatboyfat]

Thanks for the continued efforts Monks. I'm amazed that there is actually a World Championship for Optimist dingies! (Or even that they are still being made.) Even as an 8 year old, I wouldn't have been seen dead in one of those! Somewhat akin to having a "Formula Tuk-Tuk Championship"!

[MeGoDanceNow]

10 years already! I feel old. Where does the time go?

 

It seems like only yesterday I was reading this column on a big CRT screen in the internet cafe in Royal Garden Plaza, drinking a Carlsberg and complaining about the new 500 baht bar fines....

 

....okay, I guess it was a long time ago.

 

Anyway....Dance like a monkey, baby!

 

[Nightrider]

Great read yet again Monkey.....a Decade of great entertainment........

[AJXylanic]

I've seen these throughout the net, good job.

 

Xylanic/AJ