Monkeywatch - June 2016

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois (learned that in the Frog Bar), and welcome to this month’s instalment of Pattaya unzipped. Better do it quick before the military takes over on Thursday and puts us up against a wall.

 

Police paid a visit to Bali Hai pier after complaints from locals that five Chinese blokes dressed up as Magic Monkeys were touting for cash from tourists in exchange for a bit of dancing and other assorted malarkey. On seeing the approaching boys in brown, three of the monkeys had it away on their toes a bit sharpish but the remaining two weren’t quick enough and ended up having their collars felt. They were taken back to the police station and told if they wanted to extract money from tourists they’d be better off ditching the monkey outfits in favour of dressing up as women and hanging around Beach Road. Just a thought, but if they were dressed as Magic Monkeys, how could the locals tell they were Chinese?

 

Those of you who don’t mind using squat toilets in Thailand should take heed of what happened to a Thai bloke when he went to do his ablutions in his own home. There he was, squatting away and minding his own business when a 10 foot long python shot up through the hole and buried its fangs into his dick. The man said the snake was “yanking very hard” on his gentleman’s sausage until his wife came along and pulled him off. Don’t know why she bothered – sounds like the snake was doing okay on its own. Anyway, our hero clearly didn’t appreciate this strange menage a trois as he’s now planning to replace his squat toilet with a sitting one. Wonder what the python’s planning?

 

Still, he was better off than another Thai bloke whose wife cut his dick off altogether when she found out he’d been shagging her best friend (possibly ex-best friend now.) Strangely, when this was reported in the media they gave him an alias ‘to avoid embarrassment’ but published several photos of him during the aftermath of the attack, most of which showed his face quite clearly (but not his dick, wherever that was.) There you go then, embarrassment avoided, job done. Unbelievable.

If Pattaya hotels are to attract quality tourists, the highest level of fixtures and fittings is essential…

 

Okay, here’s this month’s dip into the Monkeywatch archives from 10 years ago. Anyone remember this little incident from June 2006?

 

“In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her.”

 

The Transport Minister has given the green light for development of Pattaya Ferry Port within the next 12 months. Let’s see if it has more effect than the red lights do.

 

The local Employment and Social Security Offices have joined forces for this Year’s Pattaya Jobs Fair and have appealed to the public for donations that might assist local people to find gainful employment. So far they’ve received some second hand chrome poles, a couple of fake watches and a plastic bag full of yabba tablets.

 

This year’s underwater farting contest produced some impressive results…

 

 

Bar news now, and Shark club has reopened as Overmind, but it probably doesn’t matter. There’s also a new Go Go opened in the Soi Buakhao area that goes by the name of Fairy Club. So now we have clubs called Queens, Iron and Fairy. Do you think they’re trying to tell us something?

Police were contacted by a small hotel in Central Pattaya last Wednesday following an incidence of theft from their premises. It seems that a Thai bloke in a sharp suit booked into the place and then was seen driving away shortly afterwards. On checking his room, they found that a large flat screen television had gone missing, along with a big mirror, some shower gel and a quantity of soap (sounds like he made a clean getaway.) The staff were questioned by police but were unable to explain how the man was able to get a large television through the lobby without anyone noticing. They did, however, explain why there was no CCTV recording of the theft – the bloke came back and stole the CCTV equipment while they were checking out his room.

 

A one-way traffic experiment in East Pattaya was declared a failure after it was discovered that most of it never actually came back. However, City Hall declared it to be a work of genius and plan to introduce the system on Beach Road as soon as possible.

 

An area of Pattaya Beach has now been reserved exclusively for people with big arses…

 

 

Pattaya has yet another new Police Chief. Early days yet, but first impressions are that he understands what is expected of him and he’ll be less of a threat to the status quo than Francis Rossi (do another Frantic Four tour, dicksplash.)

Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police, Tourist Police (what did it have to do with them?) and over 100 ‘volunteers’ (why did they volunteer?) They drew a complete blank at all the venues and later announced that they were pleased to see there is no human trafficking in Pattaya. Well, we knew that already, and so did they. Word is they checked some Thai places out in the sticks and found some things going on. Some say they were paid to look the other way, so they did and it was going on over there as well.

 

Finally, following feedback from the Improvement Project 2012-2015, the soon to be ex-mayor reportedly said he’d like to see Pattaya become a “New Horizon: in Active Beach – Mice City – World Sport Destination – World Class Smart Tourism City – Asian Super Cluster.” Well, wouldn’t we all?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Basil B 46]

 

 

Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police,

 

They were also checking for under age workers.

 

Anyone could have told them there has not been any under 30 for years

[tallguy 1,474]

I went into Fairy Club last night it's a short time bar not a GGB.

[teelack 9,639]

Tallguy beat me to it. I went for a look at the fairy last night. This is a bizarre choice of name for this place. Firstly, it is on the site of the old Babyboomers gay a'gogo. It is also in the thick of the Pattaya gay scene. We looked and was told that it "Was for guys on their own that were looking for a beer, blow job or hand job'' Very salubrious!

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

Active Beach? Check. Mice City? More like rats, at least along the boardwalk. World (poontang) Sport (fishing) Destination? Check. World Class Smart Tourism City? No, too many dumb tourists. Asian Super Cluster(fuck)? You bet.

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

Active Beach? Check. Mice City? More like rats, at least along the boardwalk. World (poontang) Sport (fishing) Destination? Check. World Class Smart Tourism City? No, too many dumb tourists. Asian Super Cluster(fuck)? You bet.

Rats? Sounds like Angeles City.

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

Rats? Sounds like Angeles City.

 

Was in Bangkok a couple of months ago. The 7-11 employees were dumping garbage bags on the street at night. Rats were crawling all over the bags. There must have been dozens of them. Made my flesh crawl.

[Fatboyfat 361]

All the shop-bars on Soi 8 used to put out "rat traps" consisting of an empty pizza box with this horrible sticky rat trap gunge/glue spread over it. If you were "lucky" enough to be around in the early morning you would see these 14" trays full of squirming fur and rat tails being dumped in the bins!