Bar Humor

[sailingbill 1,033]

Vpn another brilliant post. I was a young boy in a semi rural area. Safe handling of firearms was absolute. My son , Eagle scout and engineer,  was well schooled in safety in the scouts. The ridiculous state programs teach nothing useful. sorry i know ot

[VPI78 11,508]

11 hours ago, sailingbill said:

Vpn another brilliant post. I was a young boy in a semi rural area. Safe handling of firearms was absolute. My son , Eagle scout and engineer,  was well schooled in safety in the scouts. The ridiculous state programs teach nothing useful. sorry i know ot

Although it's a little different in the countryside these days in the US; not by much. It's still common in my part of Texas to get your first rifle before a bicycle; drive a tractor well before a car, and then it's much more likely to be a pickup.

It's similar for me in the Thai countryside; i.e., if you only watch MSM, or monitor city type media you might assume most Thais are taxi drivers, bargirls, or subsistence farmers. Like anywhere else there seems to be a more or less silent majority who want mostly to be left to themselves and when change does occur it is very slow.

[VPI78 11,508]

Puerto Rican rapper Lloyd Banks was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

Lloyd said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

[VPI78 11,508]

Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out ipods. So they knocked on this guy's door and said trick or treat. The guy asked them what they were dressed as?

The little girl said "Jack n Jill" The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill you're black" So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal" The guy says "You can't be Hansel n Gretal you're. black"

So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later. This time they were naked. The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says "M&M's, I'm plain and he got nuts."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

So, I'm thinkin' this guy died just to get the hell away from his family.

 

[sailingbill 1,033]

On 8/5/2020 at 8:13 PM, VPI78 said:

Although it's a little different in the countryside these days in the US; not by much. It's still common in my part of Texas to get your first rifle before a bicycle; drive a tractor well before a car, and then it's much more likely to be a pickup.

It's similar for me in the Thai countryside; i.e., if you only watch MSM, or monitor city type media you might assume most Thais are taxi drivers, bargirls, or subsistence farmers. Like anywhere else there seems to be a more or less silent majority who want mostly to be left to themselves and when change does occur it is very slow.

Was in Nampong a few months ago. When we pulled in to the large uncles farm at night. . About 15-kids and adults on those elevated decks outside.. Large pots cooking on an open fire. I thought a little like a scene from Apocolayse Now   No drinking, not good for me as im an alcoholic.  A girl sitting next to me schooling a young man on filling out a job application. Family.  Uncle saw my interest in the farm and gave me a tour. I thought damn i wish i could live here but cannot.

As a boy i walked down my street with my shotgun on my shoulder on the way to the woods. If i tried it today there would be helicopters and swat teams. 

[Kev 178]

Bill you suffering from boonies disease?

 

[sailingbill 1,033]

2 hours ago, Kev said:

Bill you suffering from boonies disease?

 

Every time im in Issan i do love it. In Nomphong we would walk around looking at farms.People would stop and offer us a ride. At first i was a little freaked about that . In America if some one offers a ride its probably trouble.She explained people just help each other here.    The first girl from Roi Et had a job buying rice.for a co op .At first i thought that was good but being left alone sucked. During harvest season she sometimes worked 6 days a week.  I wandered in the back and  tried to feed the cows. They just looked at me like Thats close enough sucker. Came very close to buying an 80 acre farm in West Virginia. Moved here instead , no regrets.

[VPI78 11,508]

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies.

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man`s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "It`s not a porch. It's a Mercedes."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Is there a dog?

 

It sounds like you have lost your faith is dog.

No, the dog is dyslexic.

 

If he read Nietzsche he knows the dog is dead!

 

Edited August 7, 2020 by BigusDicus

[VPI78 11,508]

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

[VPI78 11,508]

[accyboy 78]

Don’t give up the day job !

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,508]

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

[RhinoTusk 4,901]

THE OLDEST PROFESSION

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.  The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam.  This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the  
oldest profession in the world."  The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos.  This was the first  
and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong:  mine is the oldest profession in the world."  The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

[VPI78 11,508]

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zipper and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zipper a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zipper a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,508]

Tommy is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right" to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Samsung written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break. "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps". He says, "does it look like I have HomePro written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar! So Tommy goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As Tommy walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, Tommy sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, Tommy notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", Tommy asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

"She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". Tommy said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" she replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

That will go over the heads of many.

I will kindly say there was a mentoring relationship. A single woman and a married man were involved.

Edited August 12, 2020 by midlifecrisis