Bar Humor

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

I got another of those annoying phone calls just yesterday.

[brotherbuzz 3,206]

11 hours ago, midlifecrisis said:

I got another of those annoying phone calls just yesterday.

I don't answer numbers I don't recognize and after looking up a call I got today it turned out to be the warranty one. I'm feelin' pretty good to have joined the club. 

[VPI78 11,509]

A married couple were traveling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a patrolman put on the siren and pulled them over. The officer said to the husband "Can I see your license and registration?"

The husband says " Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong", and the patrolman replies ... "Sir, I caught you on radar at 75 mph and the speed limit is 55 in this zone, I'll have to give you a ticket."

Hubbie goes nuts saying that he wasn't speeding and the patrolman should be out catching criminals instead of harassing law abiding citizens such as him and his wife.

The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and looks at the patrolman and says "You'll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking."

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[midlifecrisis 4,048]

What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

[yorta2 693]

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[BigusDicus 9,878]

The Weekend....

 

Edited October 28, 2020 by BigusDicus

[VPI78 11,509]

[biggles 509]

I love Larson. A friend once bought me a Larson desk calendar, one for every day. I kept it for years, a great sense of humour. 

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[Bullfrog 2,224]

1 hour ago, jomtienguy said:

That gave me a hard on !!!!

[gs joe 1,776]

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[BigusDicus 9,878]

But I will...

 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Heaven or Hell?

 

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you

spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

 

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

 

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

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A Catholic, Lutheran, and a Jew are having dinner...

They start talking about how much they give for their weekly offerings. The Lutheran says, "I take $100 out of every paycheck and give it as my offering."

Both other men agree, "Good man, good man." The Catholic responds, "I take 50% out of all my paychecks and give it as my offering."

Bother other men agree, "Very good man, very good man." They then turn to the Jew, "How about you?"

The Jew replies, "I take all the money I have and say 'God take everything I got', and throw it up for God, and whatever he doesn't want floats back to me."

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: 'What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?'

Jessica responds: 'That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!'

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: 'That's easy...the pupil of the eye.'

'That's correct, Johnny. Very good!'

And turning to Jessica, she says: 'I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!'