monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap and best wishes to all, and welcome to this month’s trip down Pattaya’s Loony Lane as the bans pile up and the insanity bar gets raised to even greater heights. So the Pattaya beach alcohol ban has now been joined by the new smoking ban, and of course we have the vaping ban as well. The authorities have obviously concluded that to get rid of beach litter you first have to get rid of all the tourists. Well this should do the trick. However, just in case it doesn’t, the powers that be came up with another little gem, the now widely reported ban on playing darts. The boys in brown have been raiding bars and confiscating dartboards because the bar owners don’t have a darts licence. Not entirely surprising really, as there’s no such thing as a darts licence. They seem to be of the opinion that playing darts can lead to more serious antisocial behaviour, such as playing bridge. Latest place to be raided is the HK Darts Bar after an undercover intelligence operation made the astonishing discovery that people were playing darts in there. And there’s still more. The latest targets for licences are dance floors and pool tables. Naturally, these licences don’t exist either and Bamboo Bar have already responded by getting rid of their dance floor. Could this be the end of dad dancing in Pattaya? On the plus side, it should close down all of those stinking pig discos for the foreseeable future (in Thailand, that’s about two days.) But what of the go go’s, we ask. Now, the way we look at is that go go’s don’t have dance floors, they have stages. Different thing altogether, we think. But if it turns out that it isn’t, the go go girls will just have to stop dancing. Oh, it’s okay, apparently they stopped years ago. Looking at all this, one can’t help but wonder exactly what kind of tourists Thailand wants. Presumably ones who don’t dance and don’t play darts, bridge or pool. Shit, it’s the bloody Chinese, isn’t it? Speaking of which, this month heralds the arrival of the Chinese Year of the Dog, and it looks like some of the go go bars have started celebrating it already. This new Pump Station looks rather less appealing than the others… It was incorrectly reported recently that a Ukrainian man was killed by a Pole at Bali Hai Pier after touching up some Electric Blue loose women. What actually happened was that a Ukrainian man was killed after touching a pole electrified by some loose wiring. You see how easily these misunderstandings can arise? Following a tip-off a couple of weeks ago, police arrested a Thai bloke and discovered 200 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. A police spokesman said he hoped the publicity surrounding this arrest would deter people from buying any more drugs from this man. Well yes, we think it probably will. In a bid to “protect marine life”, Thailand is to ban plastic cap seals on bottled water from, we kid you not, April 1. This will also help to reduce beach litter, as shop owners are planning to collect up all the discarded plastic bottles from the beach and refill them with tap water. The new beach smoking ban seems to be going well… A wee bit of bar news now, and we’ll start with Bad Girls A Go Go, which fell foul of the new licensing regulations and is now a massage parlour. Marilyn Monroe A Go Go seems to have emulated its namesake with a premature demise. And Top One is no longer a Go Go and is also no longer man-friendly, if you know what we mean. Following a recent incident where holidaymakers were injured in a speedboat blaze, tourist police have been carrying out checks on Pattaya’s watersports operators. So far they’ve managed to check out one jet ski operator and nine go go bars with shower shows. Another whiff of nostalgia, with a quartet of tales from Monkeywatch of February 2008… “There’s been a bit of controversy lately about the increasing number of bars charging entrance fees to non-farangs. This is apparently because such people are classed as undesirables, though coughing up the asking price of up to 600 baht somehow seems to magically transport them upwards to a more hallowed level on the desirability ladder. Following an English police operation into the running of brothels in that fair land, the Far East Rock owner has been jailed in the UK. We later heard that, in the best traditions of political tit-for-tat, the UK Rock owner has been jailed in the Far East. Rescue workers were called to a house in Naklua the other Thursday after a monkey went berserk and attacked a couple of students. Press statements said that no police were involved in the incident, so it sounds like the monkey didn’t have any backup. The much-heralded smoking ban in bars comes into force on 11 February, though we understand that there’s a place called Throb where the staff will be more than happy to lend a hand if you really fancy a puff.” More helpful information for tourists… A Pattaya police officer has been praised for putting results before awards. Very commendable, unless the officer in question was in the process of compiling a dictionary. Pattaya temples are under police investigation after allegations that fraudulent activities are taking place on their premises, particularly regarding the sale of amulets. Tourists have complained that amulets are overpriced and have dubious history and provenance. One Chinese tourist was informed by an antiques expert that the amulet he bought may not have been worth the very high asking price as it was in fact part of a key fob from a Toyota Hilux. Finally, following inter-racial punch-ups on Soi 6 and Walking Street recently, we were thinking how nice it would be if, in a show of harmony and brotherhood, people from all races, creeds and cultures could band together in a spirit of respect and togetherness – and beat seven bells of shit out of the feminazis and the PC cornflakes. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, it is indeed the plot next to Sabai Wing, so anyone planning to stay there in the near future should bear this in mind when booking a room.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and a big core coon crap for joining us for more Pattaya stories just as TAT proclaims that Pattaya was visited by 150,000 tourists over Christmas – well they would, wouldn’t they? Once again, Pattaya ushered in the New Year in its own inimitable style. Sek Loso, the headline act booked for the New Year Countdown Concert, didn’t show up as he’d been thrown in jail by the police a few hours earlier. The remaining acts tried to make the best of it but didn’t fare too well as even the Thais didn’t seem to know who they were. The one exception was the F’off Band, who seemed to be recognised by the many spectators who shouted out their name throughout the performance. The assembled crowd were then treated to four minutes of fireworks and told to bugger off home. The slogan to promote this debacle was “We’ve Waited All Year For This.” One couldn’t help but come away with the impression that most of the attendees wouldn’t have minded waiting a bit longer. Remember the Chang umbrella saga, when city officials said it was okay to display the brand on beach brollies as they were advertising Chang water and not beer? Well, the national authorities weren’t having any of it and have told them to bin the whole bloody lot, making it clear that sponsors should have no connection to alcohol whatsoever. The Pattaya Business & Tourism Association is now inviting other businesses to have their logos displayed on the beach umbrellas and PBTA members were invited to a meeting where they were shown an example of an umbrella without any logos. Or to put it another way, a plain umbrella. They really should get out more often. A middle-aged Norwegian bloke went into a bar opposite his Pattaya home just after midnight the other Tuesday and told the staff to turn the music down and the customers to shut the fuck up, so they got together and kicked his head in. Another one for Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Expected. Silly bugger. Why put up with your country’s miserable rainy weather when you could be in Pattaya?... A Thai clinic is offering a new service to its customers – penis whitening. Yes, if you think your dick’s a bit on the dark side, this is the one for you. This remarkable treatment is apparently performed by applying a laser to the client’s penis, but its introduction has led to the walls of the clinic accruing a certain amount of graffiti, most notably “No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.” Thailand is considering introducing a new tax on single-use plastic bags in order to reduce their numbers and protect the environment, though some want them banned altogether as they make a mess of the beaches. In that case, perhaps they should consider a ban on single-use condoms as well, as this idea has already been successfully employed in Pattaya by members of some of the more disreputable ethnic groups. Thailand’s airports conducted a safety campaign over the New Year holiday in response to the anticipated increase in tourist numbers during this period. As part of this exercise, immigration officers were issued with new equipment including batons, water cannons, tear gas grenades and tasers. When asked how this would make things safer for tourists, a spokesman said “Our people have to be properly equipped to deal with any troublemakers.” When quizzed as to which tourists he considered to be troublemakers, he replied “Well, all of them really.” The new Islamic State Resort Hotel is temporarily closed after sustaining some minor damage during its opening night party… New Year bar news now, and we start with Bad Girls a Go Go. Remember when the place opened back in November and we couldn’t figure out how they’d managed to get round the ban on new Walking Street Go Go’s? Well, it looks like maybe they didn’t as the place has now shut down. Gold a Go Go has also shut down, though that’s no great surprise as it seems to happen pretty well every month. Top One a Go Go, on the other hand, closed down but has now reopened, as will Mandarin a Go Go any time now. Waka Waka has also closed, allegedly because of road works but more likely because the Indian owner didn’t have the right business plan. Get some Indian girls in, matey, and you’ll clean up. Officials have launched a new campaign to encourage moto-taxi passengers to wear the helmets offered to them by the riders. As these helmets tend to smell like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap, police have supplied 300 lucky moto-taxi drivers with new scented passenger helmets for the enjoyment of their lucky customers, who’ll end up with dandruff that smells like Marilyn Monroe. Time to rewind once again, with a pair of pieces from Monkeywatch in January 2008… There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register. A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended. Come to Pattaya and find yourself a real dish… A Thai bloke was arrested on Walking Street last Monday for selling fake drugs to tourists. “This kind of thing is very bad for Pattaya’s image” said a spokesman, “If tourists are paying for real drugs, that’s what they should be getting.” It’s been announced that The Royal Thai Navy has released 33 sea turtles. Guess they didn’t have enough evidence to charge them. Thailand plans to have no less than 367,000 CCTV cameras operational by 2019. Big Buddha is watching you. Finally, following a local media story that Pattaya police were hunting for some sex group participants, it’s been reported that over 100 people turned up at the Soi 9 police station to ask if they could volunteer. be seeing you monkeyman

If you liked Sabai Wing before but had issues with the age of the rooms, have you considered their newer Studio or Superior rooms that were only built a couple of years ago? They're also actually cheaper than the old Sabai Wing rooms, which haven't been refurbed other than having the old CRT televisions replaced with wall-mounted LCD ones.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this year’s yuletide goings on in Santa Pattaya. Jingle bahts, jingle bahts, jingle all the way…bah, humbug. A couple of jet ski operators have been arrested after a Chinese tourist accused them of stealing stuff worth a million baht from his bag while he went swimming in the sea off the coast of Koh Larn. A million baht? Christ on a bike, what did he have in the bag? A couple of giant pandas and the fuckin’ tour bus? This story is just so hard to believe. Jet Ski operators bring arrested? There’s a new live TV game show being filmed every week in Hooters called ‘Face The Clock. This is not to be confused with the old game show ‘Face The Cock’ that’s been performed live on Soi 6 for decades. The tourist police have been paying visits to Pattaya beach and shaking down local boat owners to make sure their vessels are licensed, safe and seaworthy. They also told the boat owners that they should instruct passengers in the use of life jackets and safe swimming, as they’ll probably need both of these skills if they’re daft enough to hire one of these floating death traps. Proof that Pattaya tourism really is a rip-off… If Thai food is so good, how come so many Thai birds want to go to sushi restaurants all the time? Bloody horrible stuff. How many different ways can you serve slime? The only upside is that some of them serve the food on a naked woman lying across the table, so if you ever go to one of these places, make sure you don’t have enough money to pay the bill then they’ll make you do the washing up. Traffic police have started issuing the new style tickets introduced by the big cheeses in Bangkok. These are much more hi-tech than the old ones, featuring barcodes and check boxes in place of the old indecipherable scribble. Bet they even tell you which of the cop’s pockets to put the money in. Fortunately, Pattaya police are very easy to spot during the Christmas period – they’ve all got a sprig of mistletoe down the back of their trousers. Pattaya has begun a PR campaign to inform tourists about the beach smoking ban that’s being introduced in February to rid the beach of cigarette butts. Flyers were handed out and signs waved to let people know that if they light up on the beach in future they’ll go to prison for the rest of their lives. In an attempt to appease dissenters, onlookers were shown designated smoking areas that have been set up behind the deckchairs. When someone remarked that there was nowhere in these areas to deposit cigarette butts, he was told “No problem. Just chuck ‘em on the beach.” Tinned stinking pig is now available on Soi 1… Very little in the way of bar news this month. Upstairs A Go Go has been replaced by Cocoon, a go go and show bar featuring some kind of acrobatic show. No black girls though. And 4Play A Go Go has opened on Soi 6, replacing something or other. City Hall has finally announced that it is to repair all of Pattaya’s one thousand or so broken CCTV cameras. Work crews are currently surveying the city to determine which cameras need repairing or replacing. The City Council chairman has instructed the relevant departments to get the job done as quickly as possible, but added that “New cameras should be procured without corruption and at market prices.” Anybody spotted the problem? A visitation from ghosts of Christmas past, with a couple of yuletide tales from Monkeywatch of December 2007… “An unusual story recently emerged from the Reung Yoong Tong Village in Sattahip, where residents have devised an ingenious way of stopping stray dogs pissing outside their houses. They put plastic bottles full of water around the perimeter and when a dog comes for a piddle, he eyes his own reflection, which he thinks to be a hostile animal, and off he goes. Hence the expression “Yoong Tong piddle eye go” (if you’re under 50, ask your dad to explain it to you). It’s been rumoured that a few Go Go owners are thinking of trying it out to see if it works on Chinese tourists. It’s been revealed that City Hall has given 4 million baht to the Tourist Authority of Thailand to promote Pattaya after a survey revealed that most young Thai tourists come to the city for the late night entertainment. The campaign, known as “Pattaya 3 Months Non-Stop Fun”, will run until the end of the year in order to promote the benefits of the city’s late night entertainment venues and other fun activities. Unfortunately, this intrepid venture was unveiled at just about the same time as the boys in brown were closing all the bars at 1pm and it was announced that fireworks would be banned for Loy Krathong. You really need to get your heads together on this one, boys.” Looks like the deckchair operators’ plots have been downsized even more… A South Korean tourist was beaten unconscious by a group of baht bus drivers a few days ago after he got into an argument with one of them. For the last time, the fare’s 10 bloody baht. Why don’t people listen? Pattaya tourist officials have reported that the trend for visitors is away from package tours and towards independent travel, which when translated means less Chinese and more Europeans. They say this is a good thing, as independent travellers spend more. Which is of course the exact opposite to what they were saying 10 years ago, when they derided European visitors because “they spend little”, and then opened the flood gates to a tsunami of assorted stinking pigs from the arseholes of Asia by offering them various incentives to choose Thailand as the destination of choice for their penniless carcases. It’d be organised chaos if they could find someone to organise it. It’s been reported that the CPDC has opened two new dorms in Pattaya. Absolutely no idea what that means, but thought you might like to know. Knowledge is power and all that. Finally, in a Monkeywatch poll to find the worst bar in Pattaya, they all won. Merry Christmas. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, a tad on the late side this time out. Hopefully the December edition will be little more timely.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome once more as Pattaya returns to normal and a new era dawns (oh no, not another one.) Well, the Pattaya beach revolution is over and done, with all operators using the new chairs and umbrellas supplied by City Hall, and everything is just fine and dandy. Except that tourists keep falling out of the chairs because they weren’t designed to be used on sand. And the cushions get so hot that nobody can sit on them. And the new umbrellas carry adverts for Chang beer, which makes them illegal under the Alcohol Beverage Control Act. Oh, and the operators have doubled their prices. Going well, isn’t it? In a further development, City Hall has issued a rebuttal to questions about the Chang adverts on the brollies by saying that they aren’t advertising alcohol as Chang produces water as well as beer. Well that’s true enough – local drinkers have been saying it for bloody years. The beach smoking ban due to start at the beginning of November has been put on hold for three months. Just time to finish that King Edward cigar then. It doesn’t really matter though, as they’ve now decided to close the beach altogether… A Pakistani restaurant owner strolled into Soi 9 police station the other night to report he’d been stabbed in the neck after an argument with group of men at his premises. The police told him the incident would be investigated urgently as they’d received a directive to prioritise all cases of discrimination against stinking pigs. The man took extreme exception to being referred to in this manner so the Duty Officer punched him in the face and threw him in the cells. Case closed. To make things look good for the International Fleet Show, overnight work crews have been filling in the holes on Pattaya Beach so everything would look all nice and tidy for the visiting dignitaries. So where did they get the sand to fill in the holes? By digging more holes of course. They’ve carefully planned the operation so the new holes are always one step behind the dignitaries. So who says the Thais aren’t clever then? Everybody. The Fleet Show Parade duly went ahead, and spectators were treated to the spectacle of watching the participants marching around for three hours knee deep in sewage filled flood water. The parade was supposed to be about “culture and colour”, both of which were clearly abundant in the murky liquid shit sloshing around everyone’s legs. And if that wasn’t enough, the beach umbrella vendors were shut down for the entire event. Another triumph for local tourism. We might if we knew what the bloody hell it was… Bar news next, and we start with the opening of Bad Girls A Go Go on Walking Street. Now, given that this is on the waterfront side of the street and wasn’t previously a Go Go, how the bloody hell did they get round the no new Go Go licence rule that closed Frog and Pacha before they even opened? Enquiring minds need to know (because nobody else gives a shit). Anyway, moving on, Gold Club A Go Go has opened on LK Metro (again) and Marilyn Monroe A Go Go has opened where that little wop restaurant used to be on Walking Street. Not as good as the old Marilyn then, which was a go go bar and possibly also a restaurant, as it’s claimed you could get toad in the hole there. A foreign bloke was found dead in South Pattaya last week in what the police described as ‘mysterious circumstances’. So he didn’t end up as the usual pool of goo at the bottom of a high rise building then. The Thai police and army have been ordered to adopt a new short haircut as part of a new dress code in the interests of uniformity and discipline. The photos of this new look suggest that we’re about to be faced with the prospect of having nearly half a million police and army personnel who look like Kim Jong-un. That should boost tourism no end. That “24 OPEN” sign looks to be a little on the optimistic side… Forward to the past now, with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch of November 2007… “On the entertainment front, Lollipop A Go Go is shaping up to be the latest addition to the Walking Street line up and should be opening its doors for business shortly. The rumour is that if you turn up on the opening night you’ll get a free lollipop. Nice idea – let’s hope it catches on at Climax Bar. City Hall has approved plans for a second Walking Street in Pattaya. Walking Street Old Town, as it is to be called, will be situated in Naklua and will consist of 80 premises selling locally produced items. Well, if Issan counts as local, it sounds pretty much the same as the current Walking Street.” Finally, a study has shown that Thai women are now the second fattest in Asia. No indication was given as to exactly where this statistic was obtained, but one suspects that the researchers spent a bit too much time in Pattaya go go bars. Well, don’t we all? be seeing you monkeyman

I'm in the airline's membership scheme so they already told my details.

I've used those machines and there wasn't any need to check in online first. The girls probably didn't put their passports in the machine properly, possibly because the on-screen instructions tell you to put them in the wrong way round.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this month’s sombre lockdown look at No Fun City. Following the success of the Wednesday deckchair ban in ridding the beach of holidaymakers, the authorities have taken further steps to free Pattaya from the scourge of tourism by banning smoking and the sale of alcohol on all beaches. So what will the next beach ban be then? Shorts and sandals? Bastards. An Iranian bloke was given a good kicking in the wee hours (nasty) after he and his mate were set upon by some Thai blokes and his alleged buddy ran off and left him to it. He told police that the pair of them had just been innocently admiring the views, but the police officer who took the statement wasn’t convinced and warned him that if it was found that the attackers had been provoked by any kind of stinking piggery he’d be chucked in the slammer before his flip flops touched the ground. Police received a complaint from a Chonburi woman after she went for a Thai massage and during the proceedings the masseur somehow managed to break her leg. This particular massage is apparently known as ‘jap sai’ (or something like that) and can be a little on the vigorous side. Anyway, if you want a massage with an unhappy ending, that seems to be the place to go. Very effective new sign in Pattaya. Police are reporting 100 per cent compliance… Pattaya Complaint Center has proudly announced that it dealt with 7500 complaints in the last year, though they conveniently forgot to mention that half the complaints were against them for the incompetent way they’d handled the other half. Thefts from hotel rooms in Pattaya are not exactly uncommon, but someone may have broken new ground by stealing the thermostat control from the aircon unit in his room. Just disconnected it, unscrewed it from the wall and checked out as cool as you like, which is more than can be said for the poor bugger who got the room after him. The new baht bus stops are being treated with the anticipated level of contempt, with the exception of the last stop on Beach Road. This may have something to do with there being a traffic cop stationed just around the corner, along with a man in an orange jacket brandishing a whistle. Now it’s generally accepted that under no circumstances should you ever give a Thai man a hammer or a whistle. If he’s got both, get the hammer off him and use it on the bloody whistle. Another piece of useful advice… Bar news now, and the old Armageddon Bar on LK Metro has finally reappeared as Pulse A Go Go. On Soi Diamond, Center Club has opened where Maxine’s once stood. Good to see Rock Street back on top form after being rebuilt following the suicide squirrel attack, and with aircon too – nice. An Indian doctor who complained that a baht bus driver had called him a stinking pig has received an apology from the Baht Bus Drivers Association. They accepted that a man of his professional stature should be treated with more respect and have instructed that all drivers should in future refer to him as ‘Doctor Stinking Pig’. Drifting back in time now, with a trio of snippets from Monkeywatch in October 2007… “A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most. We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist. Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps?” And of course, these things are also with us now, but nobody seems to know what they are… A buffalo ran amok through the streets a couple of weeks ago after it escaped from the Buddhist Lent races. Six people were taken to hospital after getting the horn before the beast could be brought under control. The hapless animal has apparently since been sold to McDonalds, the reason for which has been the subject of much speculation. You’re all no doubt familiar with the good luck ritual carried out in Go Go Bars that ends with a naked girl throwing a bucket of iced water between her legs and out of the door. Well in one bar, the doorman didn’t warn an approaching punter and he had the whole lot thrown over his dick. He walked into the place looking like he’d pissed himself, though by now he was the only person in there who hadn’t. Finally, a laundry shop was blown to smithereens last week after a dryer exploded and devastated the surrounding vicinity. Sounds like everybody lost their shirt on that deal. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once more, and welcome to this month’s round up of daily life in Smirk City. Yes, it’s finally happened. After a six month delay, the Pattaya Klang Underpass opened on August 25 to a great hullabaloo and celebration. After he’d sobered up, the transport minister said the tunnel was very important as it was an integral part of the main artery into Pattaya. No doubt the first heart attack won’t be long in coming. Following a leaked report, City Hall has admitted that less than half the CCTV cameras in Pattaya are in working order. When confronted with a further report showing that in fact not a single camera was working in the entire city, a spokesman said “Well that’s less than half, isn’t it?” Police arrested a Thai bloke the other week after some locals had detained him for raping a 70 year old Thai woman. The attack took place in South Pattaya though it is not yet known which Go Go Bar she was working for at the time. Nice to see that the animals in Pattaya are every bit as industrious as the locals… Pattaya Police have been ordered to take Zumba lessons opposite the police station on Beach Road in order to improve their performance. It does seem to have worked though, as they reportedly finished second in the Thailand Police Ballroom Dancing Championship last week. Yet another fire broke out on Walking Street last month, this time at Iron Club. An air con technician who witnessed the event later attended an identity parade of possible suspects but was unable to make any identification, saying that “All squirrels look the same to me.” The government has said they’re going to look at the serious problem with sewage in Pattaya. When asked what they were going to do about it, a spokesman said “Nothing. We’re just going to look at it”. The latest of a round of beauty contests was held in Pattaya a couple of weeks back when Central Festival Pattaya Beach hosted the crowning of Miss Pattaya Motor Show. Seems like a nice boy. Must be the dish of the day… Bar news is pretty sparse again this month. That old chestnut Far East Rock has closed, though some reports say it’ll reopen after a major refit. Let’s hope so – it may be crap but it’s part of our national heritage. The former Kiss has become Chaos A Go Go, perhaps to cater for customers of neighbouring Kaos who know how to spell. And Yes A Go Go has opened on Soi Diamond in place of the old Superbaby. The Boutique Hotel, the building on Soi VC that’s been demolished twice by two different contractors but is still standing, may finally run down the curtain and join the choir invisible with the appointment of yet another contractor to get the job finished – maybe. They’ve already started demolishing the hotel, but seem to have managed to demolish most of the neighbouring houses in the process. There’s just no middle ground with the Thais, is there? They either do jack shit or they pile in like a bull in a china shop. Another Pattaya history lesson now, with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of September 2007… “Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’. The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class. Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week.” Pattaya has introduced a new fleet of taxis to cater for the needs of the budget conscious Asian tourist… Forget about bar raids, the authorities have found themselves a new target - bird’s nest soup sellers. They’ve carried out raids on seven restaurants and found that they were all using gum instead of bird’s nests to prepare their dishes. Interesting that it went undetected for so long. If your average Joe opened pack of gum and there was a bird’s nest inside, chances are he’d probably spot the difference fairly quickly. A British bloke was arrested in Phnom Penh last week after running amok stark bollock naked and attacking people with a baton. Police told him that such behaviour is totally unacceptable in Cambodia and suggested that he took his future holidays in Pattaya. Not to be outdone, a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off. Another giant leap forward for quality tourism. September 3 saw the running of the 2017 Pattaya Marathon. Running? The usual idea of a marathon in Pattaya is 25 beers and a curry. Finally, government sources in Washington DC have suggested that Donald Trump has a fear of slopes. Guess he won’t be visiting Thailand any time soon then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more envelope-pushing lunacy from the city that never sleeps – it just gets pissed and passes out. A website survey has voted Thailand as the most Chinese tourist friendly country in the world. The website stressed the importance of the Chinese to the Thai tourist industry and how important it was to take good care of them. Two Thai tour guides have been arrested in Pattaya for threatening and beating a group of budget Chinese tourists who refused to pay for expensive add-ons to their Cheap Charlie package holidays. The tour guides, who referred to the hapless tourists as “cheapskate yellow donkey droppings”, were charged with assault and working illegally. A Chinese tourist was robbed of a 150,000 baht platinum necklace by ladyboys on Soi 2 the other Wednesday, just days after another Chinese tourist was knocked to the ground and robbed of 30,000 baht and an iPhone as she walked along Pattaya North Road. The hat trick was completed the following day when a Chinese tourist was knocked unconscious and robbed of 18,000 baht and a smartphone in South Pattaya. Police warned Chinese tourists that they should avoid going out in public in groups of less than 20 if they don’t want to get robbed and have their heads kicked in by local muggers. Guess ‘tourist friendly’ must mean something different in Chinese. Walking Street may soon be known as The Darkside 2 with the authorities telling business owners to remove neon signs by the end of the month as they’re supposedly bad for the city’s image. Perhaps the authorities should set an example by demolishing that ghastly monstrosity they erected at the entrance. So this is good for the city’s image?.. Police were called to North Pattaya the other night after a Korean chap was given a good kicking in the Big C area (bet that hurt) by a gang of Thais. The motive for the assault is unclear, though it’s been suggested that it may have something to do with the Thais’ dislike of Koreans with stupid haircuts. Four Thais who were previously members of the Pattaya Police Volunteers have been jailed after being found guilty of killing a former colleague by chopping his head off with a spade. Police later released an African tourist they’d arrested as an accomplice following a misunderstanding relating to the murder weapon. A man was electrocuted the other night by a dangling electric cable while he was walking past the house of the district chief. The man was burned to a crisp and all the lights in the area were fused. The chief, who emerged from his house to see why his George Foreman electric pig roast had stopped working, said he took a dim view of the whole debacle (presumably because of the fused lights) and ordered the man’s remains to be scraped off the sidewalk and disposed of in “an appropriate manner”. What, never?.. Bar news now, and there’s a new Go Go opened in Soi Stinkingpigland 2 that goes by the name of WakaWaka, though some have suggested a more appropriate name might be WogaWoga (isn’t that somewhere in Australia?) Tantra A Go Go has now opened on Walking Street and Soi Diamond has been busy with the opening of Addiction Club, to be followed by Yes A Go Go in place of the old Superbaby. We also have re-openings for Ginza, Mandarin and Air Port. Ain’t life grand? Pattaya traffic police have announced that for a 60 day period, minor traffic offences will not be met with a fine but with a mandatory education course to make drivers more aware of traffic laws. So instead of a 400 baht fine you’ll get a training course – enrolment fee 1000 baht. Isn’t education wonderful? A dead Malaysian tourist was found on the beach in Central Pattaya last week. He is thought to have drowned after entering the water, though suicide has been ruled out as it would’ve been quicker to drink it. More blasts from the past now with a trio of short snippets from Monkeywatch of August 2007… “We begin with the unusual story of the Welshman who died at Llandough Hospital in Wales just weeks after being stung by a scorpion in a Thai jungle. The moral of this story is that you’re safer in a Thai jungle than a British hospital. And none of the newspapers reported the scorpion’s side of the story either. Typical media bias. A chef was arrested at Bali Hai Port the other week for allegedly taking photographs up the skirts of female passers-by. The arresting officer was apparently unimpressed with his excuse that he was just looking up some old acquaintances. Yet more rampant criminality was evident on Walking Street a few days ago when the Prince Tailor Shop was broken into and goods reckoned to be worth 100,000 baht were stolen. Makes you wonder what the thieves are going to do with 10,000 suits.” Looks like they’re not expecting much of an audience… Hilton Pattaya is reported to have spontaneously donated 30 fire extinguishers to Pattaya Police Station for some reason. Interestingly, the same hotel was awarded the title of “Thailand’s Leading Lifestyle Hotel 2017” just a few days earlier, but the two events are surely unrelated - aren’t they? There’s a rumour going round that a shitload of guest houses will be opening on Soi 6 in the not too distant future. Could this be a sign that Pattaya is getting more family friendly? Nope, it’s a sign that Soi 6 bar owners have been told they must register as guest houses if they want to let punters use their upstairs rooms. So there you go - same shit, new name. The Thai media has started a campaign to clean up Pattaya, referring to the place’s shame and filth. This time, however, they’re just talking about the state of the beach, variously comparing it to a building site, a rubbish dump and a cess pool. So there you go – same shit, same name. Finally, beach vendors have complained to City Hall that beggars are harassing tourists and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Pots and kettles? be seeing you monkeyman

There are three designated stopping zones outside A-One Royal Cruise Hotel, Hard Rock Hotel and Royal Garden Plaza.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to more unlikely tales from the city of MICE, rice and vice (but not necessarily in that order.) Well, the devastating news this month is that there aren’t going to be any more Go Go Bars in Pattaya. Fortunately, there probably aren’t going to be any less either as the announcement was made that there weren’t going to be any new Go Go licences granted in the foreseeable future. Now, given that in Pattaya ‘the foreseeable future’ is usually less than a week, the impact of this should be fairly minimal. However, if it goes on for any length of time, that’s Midnight Pattaya well and truly fucked (though there’s a whisper going round that it already is.) A quality tourist from Iran, 35 year old Muzrat Ali, got a bit more than he bargained for a couple of weeks ago when he groped the lady he’d just picked up for 1000 baht. It seems that the ‘lady’ was a little over-equipped in the nether regions and responded to his anger by threatening him with a beer bottle then nicking 5000 baht and ripping his shirt off before speeding off on her motorbike. A real lady who witnessed the event took pity on him and guided him to the police who told him he was a stinking pig and that he had more chance of knitting fog than getting his money back. When in Pattaya, sometimes getting more than you paid for isn’t such a good deal after all. Police were called a couple of weeks back after a South Korean bloke was found dead in North Pattaya after a 37 floor plunge from the from the condo block where he was living. Suicide was reckoned to be unlikely as the chappie was said to be a successful businessman and something of a high flyer, though the manner of his demise would suggest that the latter description of him was somewhat less than accurate. Is this one of those Pattaya gold diggers we’re always hearing about?.. Tour buses that used to pick up and drop off small yellow people at Bali Hai Pier have now been told to do it on Beach Road, presumably because of the lack of traffic congestion there. Officials from City Hall, the police and the military said it all seems to be going well, though it was notable that they were all reading their bank statements at the time. City Hall has approved an allocation of 1.4 million baht for the building of 30 new baht bus stop shelters in an effort to improve the tourist transportation experience. So in future, instead of standing out in the pissing rain being ignored by baht buses, you’ll be able to stand in a nice dry shelter and be ignored by baht buses. Don’t think we can cope with all this progress. And if that wasn’t enough, the latest idea from City Hall to solve the local transportation problem is – wait for it – a Pattaya tram system. Wonder if they’ve considered the possible consequences of running vehicles during the rainy season that rely purely on external electrical power? Well obviously they must have done or the idea would be just plain silly, wouldn’t it? Funny, could’ve sworn this was Pattaya… Bar news is with us now, and the Gold A Go Go open/closed saga is finally at an end – it’s closed. However, there are several new Go Go’s mooted to be in the offing, including three in Soi Diamond and one on Walking Street. Bypass A Go Go has reopened and G-Spot is now Annabelle’s. One assumes from all this that the “no new licences” malarkey doesn’t apply to existing Go Go’s that have closed and reopened under new management. It’s been reported that illegal wood traders are being hunted by local police for, well, illegal wood trading. So if you didn’t know that wood is illegal in Pattaya, you do now. Let that be a warning unto ye. Time to tell it like it was, with a look back at a couple of items from Monkeywatch in July 2007… “The big drama of the last few weeks took place in the Boyztown area when one of the more prominent gay bars caught fire, attracting rubbernecking sightseers in the sort of numbers usually only seen outside Galaxy Cabaret. There were no serious casualties, though their chef complained that the fire had burned him on the arse and ruined his mince. In a bid to help us all sleep soundly in our beds, the Thai government has announced that liquids over 100ml will no longer be allowed onto departing aircraft, so it sounds like the passengers will have to start drinking their own piss on the flights home. Well, at least it’ll get the taste of the Chang out of their mouths.” Suddenly everyone wants to be a comedian… The new Chonburi immigration boss, who caused some consternation after he put out a statement saying he would be conducting a “deep investigation” of expats, has issued a further missive assuring them that this will not involve either bending over or torches. Pattaya villagers have been complaining to City Hall that they don’t have any water. Perhaps someone should tell them to take a trip to Central Pattaya Tunnel – they’ve got shitloads of it in there. Finally, a bit of good news for the hotel owners who were worried about the preponderance of stinking pigs in Pattaya – word is they’ve all started fucking off to Cambodia. Don’t slam the door on the way out, chaps. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, it was a very bad comparison as to my knowledge no clowns have ever been involved in a raid on a soapy massage parlour, though if they had they'd have probably made a better job of it.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to some more squeaky tales from Mice City. Hotel operators in Pattaya say they’re worried about the damage being done to the city’s image by the increasing number of unregistered hotels offering cut-price accommodation to “low-quality tourists” while the upmarket sector seems to be favouring alternative destinations such as Phuket and Koh Samui. So they want quality, not quantity. So that must mean they want to get rid of the stinking pigs. However, the Tourist Authority of Thailand are saying that tourist arrivals have dropped by nearly 20 percent in the last four years but are hoping for a recovery this year fuelled by an increase in tourists from India, as well as Russia and China. So they want quantity, not quality. So that must mean they want to bring in even more stinking pigs. Anybody else out there got an opinion so we can make it the best of three? Speaking of TAT, they’re putting on an event at Bali Hai Pier on June 16-17 to promote “green tourism”. Must be the only colour they haven’t tried yet. “Beware Electric Cable Over Ground” would probably be better advice… It’s been decided that Pattaya is to have a 3 billion baht upgrade to its electricity infrastructure in an effort to bring it to somewhere approaching the 21st century. This will involve building a new substation and relocating some 40 miles of overhead cables under the ground. Contractors had already begun work on cutting down the cables and burying them underground when it was pointed out that they should really be reconnecting them before they buried them. When this minor oversight was pointed out to the project manager, all he could say was “Oh bugger it, we’ll blame it on squirrels.” This explanation will no doubt also come in handy when the new substation explodes. Bali Hai Marina is back in the news as a fresh investigation is launched into the circumstances surrounding its demise. The marina took 5 years to build and cost 735 million baht but it never opened and the project failed. A survey committee was set up at a cost of several million baht to establish why the project had failed but the survey failed as well and was never completed. So now another survey is being commissioned at a cost of 5 million baht to find out why the first survey failed. Sounds like jobs for the boys… and their families, friends, acquaintances and anybody else they can think of. Following that last lot of floods, City Hall has announced that it is to introduce 24 hour monitoring of all areas prone to flooding. When asked what they were actually going to do about the problem, a spokesman said “What do you mean, do about it?” When pressed further, he added “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”, presumably having realised that a bridge was probably the only thing that stood a chance of not being submerged by the next deluge. This is the Thais’ idea of a board meeting… A bit more in the way of bar news this month, though not much of it good. That old favourite Living Dolls One seems to have bitten the dust, and Kiss A Go Go seems to have kissed off unless they’re having a very long power cut. Ginza A Go Go closed then reopened then closed again. Upstairs A Go Go has also gone. Gold Club on LK Metro has reopened, though previous form would suggest it won’t last for long. Final testing is taking place on Pattaya’s Central Road tunnel prior to its grand opening on… whenever. A spokesman said “We’ve thrown several scatter cushions at it and it has so far remained completely undamaged, so things are looking good.” When asked about the obvious problem of flooding, he said that the entrances have been raised up so water can’t possibly get in, but was unable to explain the presence of several water pumps that have been spotted inside the tunnel. More blasts from the past now with a couple of stories from Monkeywatch in June 2007… Well, the boys in brown have been embarking in another public relations exercise with a series of raids on bars in South Pattaya. Assistant district chief ‘Pongo’ Pitajinan claimed that the action was as a result of them getting complaints from tourists that many bars were operating without licences and employing underage staff. It’s gratifying to know that the police recognise the huge importance that the average tourist places on things like this, though they haven’t yet managed to produce any of these complaints or explain how the tourists managed to come by the knowledge in the first place. The offending bars will now be closed for 30 years and their owners are to be burned at the stake. Residents of Khao Mai Kaew have been complaining to Pattaya City Council for several months about the discomfort they have to suffer because of the stench emanating from a garbage disposal site near to their village. After much deliberation, the Council has finally agreed to take urgent action to resolve the residents’ problem and have scheduled their village for demolition next week. We’d prefer the taste of food really… If you think the Pattaya Police are a bunch of clowns, get a load of this story from Huay Khwang, where the local boys in brown decided to raid a soapy massage parlour. In planning the raid, it seems that they overlooked a couple of small but nonetheless significant details. Firstly, the establishment in question had actually already closed some 12 months previously. Secondly, the place had closed down following a police raid that they themselves had carried out and which had resulted in several of their own senior officers being disciplined and transferred. You couldn’t make it up (and we didn’t.) Regional police have charged a Thai chap with drug dealing after he was searched and found to have 250,000 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. He admitted the offence but said that on his release he’d turn over a new leaf and do what most people with such outrageously expansive buttocks do – get a job in a Go Go Bar. Finally, a Chinese tour group who were expecting a meal and a swim in North Pattaya were somewhat surprised when the coach veered off the road and plunged into the ocean. When arrested by police on a charge of obtaining money by deception, the tour guide said “They got their swim, didn’t they?” and when asked about the advertised meal added “Well I thought the sharks would eat them.” His spirit of self-motivation and free enterprise was recognised by the court who then sent him to prison for the rest of his life. be seeing you monkeyman

Well that's the Indians fucked then.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to another walk through the world of weird. Walk this way. Pattaya Police have got themselves a new recruit in the form of a drone that will be used to keep an eye on the goings-on in Walking Street. It’ll be interesting to see how long this latest fad lasts before it hits some power cables or tourists and then gets chucked into the same skip as the broken CCTV system, the electronic tourist information boards that were scrapped without ever being used and every other piece of failed technological junk that’s been deployed over the years to make Pattaya a safer place for Johnny Tourist. Or should that be Mohammed Tourist now? An allegedly British quality tourist was caught and hogtied by locals after they caught him running half naked across the rooves of their houses and shouting gibberish after a night on the piss in Walking Street. Can’t imagine what made them think he was a Brit. Anyway, the police came up with this marvellous theory that may have got lost trying to find his hotel. Well, you know how it is. You have a few drinks, try to find your way home and end up half naked on the roof of somebody’s house shouting your mouth off. Happens all the time. Somebody actually tried to defend him by pointing out that it wasn’t unusual to see Brits on the street stripped to the waist. The police agreed, but added that they normally do it from the waist up. A Pattaya fruit vendor turned up at the police station last week to report that she’d been the victim of an internet swindle after receiving a Facebook message from a complete stranger telling her she’d won a million baht. All she had to do was send him 3000 baht and her bank details and the money was hers. She duly sent off the money (as you do) but was disappointed to find that there was a shortfall in the amount she received – a one million baht shortfall to be exact. Reports of her story appear to have made her a lot of new friends on Facebook, though strangely they all seem to come from Nigeria. There was yet another electric type problem last week after a car demolished two power poles and disrupted electricity supplies, cable TV and phone services. Let’s see ‘em try to blame this one on a fuckin’ squirrel (or maybe the new drone.) In an attempt to raise the quality of visitors to Pattaya, the local tourist board have started a cull of backpackers… Onlookers were more than a little surprised when a drunk was washed up on their local beach after falling in the water about a mile away and being carried down the coast by a strong current. He then got up, staggered off to the nearest bar and went back on the piss. Just another day in Fun City. The army are complaining that they haven’t got enough manpower in Pattaya to enforce the new baht bus routes as most of the drivers are ignoring the new regulations and going wherever the hell they want. They reckon they have two alternatives to solve the problem – shoot the offending drivers, or approach the UN to set up an international military presence with a brief to enforce the rule of law as enshrined in the code of international justice. There is, of course, a third and more practical alternative – give up. Pattaya’s hotel industry has been criticized by tourism officials for not making enough effort to obtain MICE business. Funny that – most of the hotels we’ve seen in Pattaya have had mice business in just about every bloody room. Following yet another reduction in the maximum space allowed for deckchair operators, they’re having a bit of difficulty fitting everything in … It’s that bar news moment again, but there’s jack shit been going on. Overmind has closed again, but that’s hardly news as it happens about once a week. It’s looking a bit more permanent this time though. Wet Six Club has opened on Soi 6. We heard their very first customer turned up thinking it was called Wet Sex Club. He only stayed for one drink then pissed off because he wasn’t pissed on. After years of blood, sweat and gridlock, Pattaya’s legendary Central Road tunnel is finally about to open itself to the great unwashed. The local Highways Department admitted that when the tunnel opens the road surface will be incomplete, the signs won’t be in place, the barriers won’t be painted, the landscaping will be unfinished and the lights won’t be fully functional, but dismissed discussion of all this as “splitting hairs.” It may not matter anyway, as the construction company have said that if they don’t get paid soon they’ll come back and take the whole lot away. Meanies. Another look at the way things used to be with a couple of tales from Monkeywatch back in May 2007… “On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht. This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway. Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well.” Pattaya has announced plans to step up production of methane… There’s a new push by City officials to get rid of the rats on Beach Road that “damage the image of Pattaya.” So why don’t they just confiscate their jet skis? Police have increased their anti-sex patrols on Pratamnak Hill after reports that couples have been having it off in the bushes and have been questioning suspects, perhaps along the lines of “What are you doing with girl?” “Nothing, officer.” “Well piss off then and let a man get in.” Oh, and there was a clean-up of the Pattaya sex industry by the police and the army last Wednesday but nobody seems to have noticed. be seeing you monkeyman

Inside No. 9

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a soggy Songkran showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our special April Fool rodent edition. A squirrel has been blamed for the sewage pump failure that led to Wong Amat Beach becoming full of shit the other weekend. Tourists and beach vendors were put to flight as the sea became so black and smelly that it was virtually indistinguishable from Soi 16. The official story is that the squirrel bit though a cable, causing its own demise as well as that of the sewage pump. Suppose it could happen, but one can’t help thinking that maybe Wong Amat Beach isn’t the only thing round here that’s full of shit. This of course comes hot on the heels of the revelation that the fire on Walking Street that burned down a popular rock bar was also caused by a squirrel, in this case causing a junction box to explode. Quite a coincidence eh? Or is Pattaya’s Electrical Engineering Department employing squirrels now. Well, if you pay peanuts, you get…er…squirrels. Speaking of fires, there was another one in a local plastics factory the other Wednesday. Firefighters were unable to extinguish the blaze so they gave up and stood around while the building burned to the ground. A local squirrel is believed to be helping police with their enquiries. Six young Thai men have been fined and jailed for a couple of weeks after being caught throwing plastic bags filled with urine at passers-by during the Songkran festivities. Police were called and quickly gave the lads a good hiding and took the piss, two activities at which they are known to be particularly adept. The 10th Annual Pattaya Farting Competition took place last week. Here we see the eventual winner giving his rip snorting performance… The Transport Ministry has announced new seatbelt laws that will prohibit people from travelling in the back of pickup trucks other than baht buses. Hmmm, think we might be getting some new records being set for the most people on one motorbike. Oh, it’s okay, they’ve decided to scrap the new law already. Another success story. The local police have been busy again, this time arresting 14 big shot foreign mafia members. Sounds like the far end of Walking Street could be very quiet in the near future. So no change there then. A policeman’s son has been charged with murder following an incident in a local snooker hall when he beat a man to death with a snooker cue. He admitted the offence but said he didn’t realise he’d done anything wrong as he thought that’s how you played the game. Must’ve been watching some old footage of Alex Higgins. Sex stories in Pattaya aren’t normally news, but then they’re not normally about a man being arrested for sexually assaulting three motorbikes. The Thai man in question claimed the bikes had all consented to sex but police enquiries revealed that they were all less than five years old so he’s going to prison for the rest of his life. Christ, that makes the story about the Thai woman who called the police because a gas pump attendant couldn’t open the filler cap on her motorbike seem positively normal. This just has to be the smallest deckchair rental business in Pattaya… Bar news time, and there’s pretty much bugger all to report this month. Skyfall reopened after the Walking Street fire, minus a bit of its sign. The Rock Bar is still shut, though a new one has opened on Pattayaland 2 where Classroom A Go Go used to be. Ah yes, Pattayaland 2. Remember when it was the centre of Pattaya nightlife and you could walk down there without having to keep your back to the wall? How times have changed. These days it’s known as Soi Gonorrhoea because local Thais say it’s “a road of clap”. Now we have the Happy Zone in Walking Street, police have promised to return happiness to Pattaya by getting rid of all the sleaze, drugs and sex. So how does that work then? Following criticism of the Thai media for using non PC language when describing the disabled, a group calling itself The Rainbow Room Foundation has come up with a list of suggested alternative expressions. For instance, they suggested that instead of calling people retards, they should refer to them as “people with intellectual differences or challenges.” How the fuck do they expect retards to understand that? Anyway, when the media found out that the woman who made the original complaint was blind, they all agreed that they wouldn’t change anything they printed – they’d just tell her that they had. Police are investigating reports that a number of vehicles plunged into a river after a local contractor demolished a bridge but didn’t bother to put up any warning signs. When asked what action he planned to take to rectify the situation, the contractor said “We’ll miss that bridge when we come to it.” There are still plenty of old bags to be found on Beach Road… A couple of historic snippets now from Monkeywatch in April 2007… “Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out. There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan.” Following the news story that an 18 year old model had sold her virginity for 2.5 million dollars, some enterprising bar girls decided to try their own version of the idea using eBay. However, they soon abandoned the plan after constantly getting marked down in feedback for the item not being as described. Pattaya police have all been sent on a 30 hour English course to help them communicate better with tourists. They are now proficient in phrases such as “stinking pig”, “cretinous slant-eyed lemming”, “you’re a farang so it’s your fault” and “10,000 baht? That’ll do nicely”. After completing the course, they arrested the farang tutor for not having a work permit. Thailand is to bring in restrictions on alcohol outlets that will spell the end of booze sales in 7/11 stores. You’ll apparently only be able to buy alcohol from designated stores, and to make a purchase you’ll have to provide them with your passport, immigration address report, DNA sample, retinal scan, that sort of stuff. And, of course, it’ll cost a bloody fortune. Could this be the end of the stinking pig? In celebration of April Fool’s Day, one of the stories above is completely untrue. No, really, just the one. be seeing you monkeyman

Or to put it another way, stinking pigs.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome as we cast another beady eye over the ups and downs of life on the street. And off it. Well, it was here we go again time this month as the government ordered a new crackdown on Pattaya’s nightlife following an article in brit rag The Daily Mirror exposing the alleged shocking goings-on in Fun City. This is of course the same paper that exposed the shocking goings-on in war-torn Iraq using photos that were later proven to have been taken in the Liverpool area (which admittedly does look like war-torn Iraq.) Anyway, the government decided that the article had tarnished the country’s image (unlike a military coup, presumably) and so ordered a blitz on bars, street hookers and ST rooms. They obviously think that having government policy dictated by a downmarket foreign newspaper puts the country in a good light. Perhaps the Daily Mirror would like to write a follow-up piece entitled “Pattaya Tourists Terrorised In Police Bar Raids” in the interests of balanced reporting. Nah, on second thoughts they wouldn’t know what it was. This all harks back to the furore in 1999 when the Thai authorities went apeshit after a British journalist described Pattaya as a “sexual Disneyland”, though it was never made entirely clear which of the two words he used had caused the offence. In another effort to discourage prostitution, it’s been decreed that bar girls won’t be allowed to consort with foreign men in public unless they’re accompanied by a monk. Trouble is, the monks around here seem to have more run-ins with the police than the bar girls do. Not that it matters, as we’ve already been officially told that there isn’t any prostitution in Pattaya, so that stuff in the Daily Mirror must have been fake news. Imagine our surprise. By the way, all of this frantic police activity is allegedly to make tourists feel happy and safe. Well, when I’m in a bar having a quiet drink and minding my own business, there’s nothing that makes me feel happier and safer than having a gang of uniformed thugs kick the doors in, throw me out on the street and close the place down. Next crisis please. City Hall say they have some exciting new plans in the pipeline. All they have to do now is figure out how to get them out… Thailand has made a complaint to the authorities in Hong Kong after it was discovered that immigration officials were asking any Thai woman who arrived there if she planned to engage in prostitution. This is known as a rhetorical question. Now the army has decreed that baht buses can only stop in designated places, the local authorities are painting the town red – literally. Huge swathes of red paint are being spread liberally over the roads so people can see where the baht buses are supposed to stop. And of course being red it also cleverly conceals the remains of any hapless punter who’s stupid enough to assume that if he steps into the road the bus will stop for him. Tourists and locals gathered outside Mike Shopping Mall a couple of weeks ago to protest about pedestrian traffic lights that haven’t worked for over a year. Seems the locals are upset about the lights being stuck on green because it doesn’t give them any red lights to shoot. And the tourists are upset because they can’t get the lights to change. Someone should tell them that nothing ever changes in Pattaya. Sci-fi fans on Beach Road were given a treat this month when R2D2’s cousin paid a flying visit… Bar news now, and that old chestnut World Wide A Go Go has finally a gone gone. Seems the owners have decided to get out of the meat trade as it’s going to become a new branch of Burger King. Both Frog Queen and Pacha A Go Go have managed that rare feat of closing down before they even opened. Licensing issues, apparently. Overmind has reopened yet again, though by the time you read this it’ll probably have closed. And it looks like Alcatraz A Go Go has gone the same way as the prison (though you’d probably have had a better night out in the prison.) The place is now undergoing some form of refurbishment, as confirmed by the sign outside saying “Another Quality Project Under Construction”. As in quality tourist? Speaking of which, a Russian quality tourist was nabbed by a shopkeeper the other week for stealing a watch worth 1200 baht. With the benefit of hindsight, it probably wasn’t a smart move to take the watch back to the shop where he stole it to complain that it was a fake. When police arrived, the hapless Ruskie tried to blame the shopkeeper for the incident as he’d claimed that the watch was worth 50,000 baht and therefore seemed to be well worth stealing. Police were unimpressed and arrested the Ruskie for theft, though a further arrest for attempted fraud was not pursued after the shopkeeper made a generous donation to the Police Benevolent Fund. Okay, here’s another blast from the past with a brace of snippets from the Monkeywatch of March 2007… “The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run, and that there’ll be a bit of a hold up while it’s removed. Bollocks. We’ve seen a baht bus driver remove one in two seconds flat. Have you noticed that there’s been a lot of bother involving Scandinavians in Pattaya recently? And we always thought that they were supposed to be such nice peaceful fellows. I mean, those two blokes in Abba never punched anybody out, did they? Probably left it to the girls.” If you see Batman, tell him we’ve found it… Just spotted an article about customers who are seeking help for an unfinished Pattaya condominium project. Always pleased to help – there’ll be a brick in the post tomorrow morning. Finally, a couple of canine capers. The mystery of the 30 or so stray dogs that have gone missing in Pattaya over the last few weeks has been solved – it seems that Cambodian construction workers have been eating them. Police have told them to stop it so that should be the end of the matter. In another doggie incident, the owner of a dog in Muang that bit a small child is now claiming that the dog was merely retaliating because the child had bitten it first. Police ordered that it should be taken away and eaten by Cambodian construction workers, but after dinner had to go back and explain to the workers that they’d actually been talking about the dog. And a bit of breaking news to finish. Blue Sky on Walking Street has burnt down. Welcome to the Happy Zone. be seeing you monkeyman

There's loads of photos on the Secrets board.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s peek through the curtains at what’s been going on and going off in Smirk City. Everybody has their own way of celebrating Valentine’s Day, and in the case of the Boys in Brown it took the form of a Valentine’s Day Go Go raiding party in the Walking Street area. This was allegedly carried out “to give tourists a warm feeling and to assure them of their safety.” Don’t think the punter who they caught on the job in a ST room felt too safe. He may well have got a warm feeling though – the poor sod probably pissed himself. There’s a thread running on one of the boards enquiring about which hotel guys stayed at on their first visit to Pattaya. Remember it well - The Cholchan (now The Mercure). Their advertising blurb said it was 10 minutes from Walking Street and one couldn’t help but wonder what method of transport they employed to time the journey. Doubt if a cruise missile could have done it in that time. A Finnish bloke broke both his arms after jumping into one of Pattaya’s partially constructed new road tunnels. The reason for his action has not yet been established, though as he broke his arms rather than his legs, the theory is he must have dived rather than jumped. Should’ve waited for the rainy season. Expect everybody’ll be able to dive into the tunnels then. Pattaya is proud to announce the opening of this amazing new three-storey mega coffee shop… And now another trip down memory soi with a pair of Monkeywatch stories from February 2007… “Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon. Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart?” A Pattaya restaurant owner decided to throw his premises open for a couple of days last month to collect donations for flood victims in Southern Thailand. He collected 200 baht, had his freezer stolen and got kicked in the balls by a drunk. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re damned if we can find it. A farang was arrested in Central Pattaya around midnight the other day after reports that he was running around naked with a knife, threatening people and attempting to damage property. Police still don’t know his identity or nationality as they couldn’t get a word out of him. Nice to see that TAT’s charm offensive to attract more quality tourists is working so well. Here’s a couple of new boilers spotted in Pattaya. Makes a welcome change from the old boilers in most of the bars… A bit of bar news now, and Overmind has gone lights out yet again. The Amethyst saga continues, as it’s reopened yet again under the name of Gold. And Tiger on Soi Diamond, after a failed excursion into the nightclub market, is to return to its Go Go roots. Well done guys – you know it makes sense. A Thai couple were arrested last week after police raided their condo and seized a large haul of fake handbags reckoned to be worth around 10 million baht. The couple admitted the offence but said they thought their business was legal as they only sold the handbags to fake women. Up in Bangkok, police divers have been searching a lake for a used car salesman who’d been reported missing a while back. The search was instigated by some fisherman who reported a bad smell in the area and naturally thought it might be a used car salesman. Anyway, the divers found some bones and they’ve been sent for forensic tests to see if they’re human. If they aren’t, they’ve probably found their man. Police are still searching for the Pattaya dog thief as the six Korean restaurant owners they arrested have now been released without charge. Not content with stealing from tourists on Beach Road, the local thieves are now stealing Beach Road itself… In a crackdown to enforce the new designated stopping areas, no less than 32 baht buses have been confiscated by the military for stopping when they shouldn’t. This is a replacement for the old system of baht buses not stopping when they should, usually when you’re on your own and the driver spots a group of Chinese just down the road. Bastards – the drivers that is, not the Chinese. On second thoughts yeah, the Chinese as well. The vehicle ban at Bali Hai Pier while repairs are carried out is still causing a stink – literally. Tourist boats are now having to use the garbage barge docks and passengers have complained that they are having to climb over putrid garbage in order to disembark. Anyone who’s been on an EasyJet flight to Ibiza in a non-aisle seat must know what that feels like. Finally, an Italian expat taking a stroll in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago was unexpectedly killed after a tree branch spontaneously broke off and gave him a whop over the head. Wonder how it knew he was Italian? be seeing you monkeyman

Works for me. Nice job.