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Monkeywatch - November 2013

monkeyman

By monkeyman,
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monkeyman

monkeyman 1,604

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s stories from Soggy City.

Well, the weather in Patts has been absolutely spiffing of late, thanks to a tornado, a cyclone, a tropical storm, a plague of frogs and whatever else. If you want to visit the beach now, it’s somewhere out in the Gulf of Thailand. Always wondered where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse went for their holidays.

An Indian tourist turned up at the police station the other day to report an incident at a fast food restaurant a few hours earlier. Apparently, he had complained that his food was cold but the staff weren’t interested. He demanded to speak to the manager, who immediately punched him in the face and tasered his testicles, then dragged him out through the door, threw him onto a pile of rubbish sacks and urinated on him. The police advised the man that it was not their policy to get involved in customer service issues and that he should contact the restaurant’s head office if he felt that the manager hadn’t resolved the original complaint to his complete satisfaction.

Construction noise in Pattaya is going from bad to worse. Wherever you are, there always seems to be some prat hammering on a steel pipe, giving you an earful of “dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.” It’s like sitting next to a girl in a go go bar.

Pattaya United Football Club have announced that they are to disband at the end of the season after a controversial penalty decision against them started a riot which went on for two hours. Jeez, talk about sore losers. Good job their player wasn’t sent off in the incident or there’d probably have been a military coup.

Police were forced to apologise for arresting three men for stealing an ATM kiosk after it turned out that the incriminating CCTV footage had been accidentally played backwards and the men were in fact erecting the structure. The mistake came to light when one of the men was clearly seen to be sucking urine from a wall into his penis. Two of the men were released without charge and the third was taken out the back and given a good kicking for pissing up a hotel wall...

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Baht buses are becoming a real bloody nightmare these days. One harks back to the halcyon days when all you had to do was stick your hand out and you would be spirited to your destination in the wink of an eye. These days, if you aren’t part of some fuckwit tour group you may as well stick your hand up your arse for all the good it’ll do you. You have to wait until some driver comes along tooting his horn like he’s just had it for his birthday before you’re likely to be going anywhere. And even then, the ordeal continues. A trip down Beach Road the other day took the best part of half an hour. First of all the bus pulls up outside Central Festival, at which point a crowd of Indian imbeciles decide to have a five minute chat with the driver and manage to negotiate a 10 baht fare down to 50 baht. When will these fucktards get it through their thick heads that you don’t have to talk to the driver every time you get on a bloody baht bus? They’re the same in fast food joints. It takes them longer to buy a few burgers than it’d take most people to buy a house. But we digress. Next stop is Mike Shopping Mall where some continental cretin tries to pay his fare with a 1000 baht note. Another five minutes to sort that out. Then came the inevitable traffic jams exacerbated by the Beach Road “improvements”, so the driver then stops to try and pick up a group of people, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they’re the same ones who got off his bus a minute earlier but had overtaken it because they were moving faster than the traffic. Finally got to Walking Street, utterly devoid of the will to live. If you’re in a hurry these days, your best bet is to bloody well walk.

A 16-year-old Thai lad has died after consuming 18 litres of holy water that was supposed to be endowed with magical powers during some kind of ritual. Not surprising really – that much Guinness is enough to kill anybody. The family of the victim, who were also involved in the ritual, are said to be the owners of a rubber farm. Presumably they use it to make their own wallpaper.

The Thai Government are considering levying a 500 baht entry fee on tourists entering the country, allegedly to help pay the costs of scraping them off the streets when they have a little mishap. Well, that should just about wipe out the weekly budget of the average quality tourist.

Officials have decided to separate the more affluent West Pattaya from the seedier East Pattaya with the opening of Checkpoint Cheap Charlie…

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Bar news now, and once again there’s not been a lot happening, apart from the widely reported managerial musical chairs. Not much sign yet of Champagne reopening or of Angelwitch 2 opening at all, though there are some signs of construction activity going on. Peppermint has closed for a refurb – surprising really, because the place seemed to be doing pretty well as it was.

There seems to have been an upsurge of interest in bar crawls of late, with several new ones appearing on internet boards. However, they all seem to be aimed at farangs, so Monkeywatch has decided to organise one for the new breed of quality ethnic visitor now gracing Pattaya. The first ever Stinking Pig Bar Crawl will take place next month, starting in Soi LK Metro. First we’ll be visiting all the 7-Elevens in the area, where we’ve negotiated a special two for the price of one deal, so the group will have not one but two bottles of water to share between them. Then it’s off to Beach Road for a tour of the Family Marts and a stop off at a food cart for a kebab. Remember, it’s one bite each then pass it on. As a special treat, we’ve laid on a Coconut Bar girl for everyone in the group. Her name’s Nit and she’ll be joining us about midnight, so don’t forget to put your name in the hat or you won’t get your turn. Next it’s off to Cheap Charlie’s for a massage, where you can leave your clothes on the floor then lie back and relax while a ladyboy hiding under the bed goes through your pockets. Finally, we round off the night with a trip to the police station, where you can report that ladyboys have robbed you of 500,000 baht, a Rolex watch and an iPad. A night not to be missed for sure.

For those of you who don’t know already, there’s a new attraction in Pattaya called Art In Paradise, which describes itself as an interactive art gallery. It basically works like this. You pay your money, take off your shoes and step into the first room, at which point you’re swept off your feet then trampled underfoot by stampeding hordes of Oriental cretins armed with phones, cameras and iPads who are intent on photographing anything that moves and anything that doesn’t. Other than that, it’s quite nice if you like that sort of thing. But then anything’s nice if you like that sort of thing.

Here’s a bit of it…

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There are some things in life that you just instinctively know you shouldn’t do. However, the charms of a delectable lady can break the strongest of wills and so it came to pass – the first visit to a Sushi Bar. Hell’s teeth, it was like eating the stuffing from an old sofa marinated in bilge water from the bottom of a tramp steamer. The ice cream is recommended though, and it does help to get the taste of vomit out of your mouth. A return visit is not predicted.

A group of Asian gentlemen were spotted outside a Beach Road restaurant the other afternoon. The studied the menu out front for about five minutes then ventured inside and sat round a table, where they were each presented with a further menu for their perusal. After another ten minutes or so, they called the waiter over and ordered a bottle of water. At this point the manager came over and after a heated exchange, he told them to fuck off or he’d call the police. Another example of what TAT calls quality tourists but the rest of us call stinking potless pigs.

It was a case of “don’t put that in your pipe and smoke it” as the boys in brown went on a Shisha bar raiding spree the other night. However, the whole thing turned out to be a ghastly mistake when the officer in charge admitted that he thought he’d been told to go to Walking Street and round up all the hookahs.

The owners of the Koh Larn Ferry have reacted angrily to suggestions that their new company song should be Otis Redding’s “Sinking On The Rock Of The Bay”.

Finally, after years of painstaking research, we’ve managed to work out why eating Thai food is so good for weight watchers. Most of it gets stuck between your feckin’ teeth.

be seeing you
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nkped

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Baht buses are becoming a real bloody nightmare these days. One harks back to the halcyon days when all you had to do was stick your hand out and you would be spirited to your destination in the wink of an eye. These days, if you aren’t part of some fuckwit tour group you may as well stick your hand up your arse for all the good it’ll do you. You have to wait until some driver comes along tooting his horn like he’s just had it for his birthday before you’re likely to be going anywhere. And even then, the ordeal continues. A trip down Beach Road the other day took the best part of half an hour. First of all the bus pulls up outside Central Festival, at which point a crowd of Indian imbeciles decide to have a five minute chat with the driver and manage to negotiate a 10 baht fare down to 50 baht. When will these fucktards get it through their thick heads that you don’t have to talk to the driver every time you get on a bloody baht bus? They’re the same in fast food joints. It takes them longer to buy a few burgers than it’d take most people to buy a house. But we digress. Next stop is Mike Shopping Mall where some continental cretin tries to pay his fare with a 1000 baht note. Another five minutes to sort that out. Then came the inevitable traffic jams exacerbated by the Beach Road “improvements”, so the driver then stops to try and pick up a group of people, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they’re the same ones who got off his bus a minute earlier but had overtaken it because they were moving faster than the traffic. Finally got to Walking Street, utterly devoid of the will to live. If you’re in a hurry these days, your best bet is to bloody well walk.

 

Someone needs to suggest to the management of the Tahitian Queen that they offer a two for one drink special to anyone presenting a movie stub from Central Festival after 6pm--rest stop for those travelling to Walking Street by shank's mare.

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monkeyman

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Monkeyman, I could not help but detect a note of disgruntlement in this installment vis-a-vis our subcontinental brethren?

 

And continental too, as in the loon with the 1000 baht note. Definitely a European, but I couldn't pin down the accent. :clueless

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