Monkeywatch - April 2020

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the shenanigans in Patts, where things are carrying on as normal. Okay, so there are no bars, no Go Go’s, no restaurants, no girls, no alcohol and no going outside your house most of the time, but apart from that it’s business as usual.    

Well, the Pattaya curfew is well and truly in place and the police have said that anybody breaking it will face a prison sentence, though given the extent of the current lockdown that’s not really much of a deterrent. In fact, the lockdown in Pattaya is now so extreme that prisoners are being threatened with release if they don’t behave. At least they get fed in prison. Probably.

Thais who aren’t getting fed are being helped out by food charity events. However, the organisers have recently been told that they must tell the police in advance before any events can be staged. Coincidentally, all the latest events seem to have police officers at the front of the queue. 

As if things weren’t bad enough, the alcohol sales ban in Pattaya has now been in place for two weeks and has yet another week to go. Thais are starting to ask why they’re being punished for this fiasco and wouldn’t it be better if someone just nuked some common sense into the Chinese. Drinking outside is also banned, though we reckon the police took this a bit too far when they arrested a Thai bloke who got pissed and fell out of his window with a bottle of whisky in his hand.

If you’re still thinking of trying to visit Pattaya by some means, be sure to pack a shovel as the only way you’ll get in is to dig a tunnel. If you’re in Pattaya already, a member of the escape committee has informed us that three secret tunnels are currently under construction - Tom, Dick and Harry. A Thai girl said she’d found Dick in her bar but it turned out that she was talking about something else altogether.

The authorities seem to have caught on already and have started to put up signs to discourage tunnelling…

Thais make all this bloody fuss about us farangs wearing face masks, but their own are usually so badly fitted they may as well be wearing them on their arses. Come to think of it, they’d probably do more good if they did.

Pattaya’s Grand Bella Hotel has volunteered to become a field hospital to help in the battle against the nasty bug. Very commendable of course, but one suspects they won’t be inundated with bookings when things return to normal – whatever that is.

There’s even been some wild stories of people with the virus coming back from the dead as zombies, though it seems that they were actually Chinese tourists who hadn’t caught it at all.

Looking at this, one wishes we could go back to how things were only last year. Oh, hang on, this photo was taken six months ago…

Bar news now. They’re all shut – except the ones that aren’t. Sorry officer, didn’t see a thing.

Local Thai residents have formed groups called ‘Covid Killers’ to help fight the outbreak in their localities. Don’t fancy their chances of success as the equipment they’ve been issued with appears to consist of a magnifying glass and a hammer.

Time to step away from the madness for a moment with couple of ancient tales from Monkeywatch in April 2010…

“Meanies in the Thai Government have decided to increase the tax on alcohol this month to discourage all you naughty boys from getting too pissed during Songkran. The increase will be 20 baht per 100ml for drinks containing up to 12 per cent alcohol and 40 baht for anything stronger, so only use bars that water down the drinks. That shouldn’t limit your choice too much. There’s also been some outrageous talk of a further 20 baht tax on drinks sold to foreigners in bars. Perhaps someone should remind them that they’re the bloody foreigners.

Last Thursday, the Mayor of Pattaya received a gift of 50 cardboard coffins that are apparently for the use of foreigners. Good idea. All they have to do now is put them under hotel balconies and wait.”

Not a name that inspires confidence…

The Thai Ministry of Commence has asked shops to cut the price of palm oil by two baht per bottle. Well how about that - they’ve come up with a lockdown exit strategy already.

A warehouse in Banglamung burned to the ground a couple of weeks back in a huge fire that could be seen for miles. A large crowd gathered to witness the event, which was described by one onlooker as “the nearest thing to entertainment we’ve seen this month.”

When this pandemic thingy is all over and done, Hollywood will no doubt be looking to cash in with a movie version of the whole debacle. Maybe they could call it “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.”

be seeing you

monkeyman

[nkped]

Back in the 70s, tribal lore was that they didn't feed you in the monkey house as free food would negate the deterent effect of being locked up.

[jacko]

My mind wanders....why would a warning not to dig due to there being an electrical cable be also in English, yet signs at road blocks for security and health checks in Pattaya not be.....

[midlifecrisis]

1 hour ago, jacko said:

My mind wanders....why would a warning not to dig due to there being an electrical cable be also in English, yet signs at road blocks for security and health checks in Pattaya not be.....

It could be the basis for a good conspiracy theory!

[forcebwithu]

3 hours ago, jacko said:

My mind wanders....why would a warning not to dig due to there being an electrical cable be also in English, yet signs at road blocks for security and health checks in Pattaya not be.....

And why when I hear news reports in Thai my ears pick up on the news reporter saying Covid 19 most of the time and not Covid sip gao.

[Butch]

On 4/26/2020 at 2:18 AM, forcebwithu said:

And why when I hear news reports in Thai my ears pick up on the news reporter saying Covid 19 most of the time and not Covid sip gao.

Anyone would think they're blaming farangs for the outbreak.

As always, very entertaining Monkeyman.