BigusDicus

I do not normally enjoy others misfortunes - I am making an exception on this one.

I do not know if below is actually true but who would make something like this up? AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....... Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the ba rrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Kevin Roben Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave ) Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' & lt; BR>She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles!, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

new musical ... watch the audience's faces

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Excellent!

I would rather hear about a girl than a chior boy!

The great fall of China Revised GDP calculations show that Beijing isn't the giant we thought it was. By Walter Russell Mead Los Angeles Times December 30, 2007 The most important story to come out of Washington recently had nothing to do with the endless presidential campaign. And although the media largely ignored it, the story changes the world. The story's unlikely source was the staid World Bank, which published updated statistics on the economic output of 146 countries. China's economy, said the bank, is smaller than it thought. About 40% smaller. China, it turns out, isn't a $10-trillion economy on the brink of catching up with the United States. It is a $6-trillion economy, less than half our size. For the foreseeable future, China will have far less money to spend on its military and will face much deeper social and economic problems at home than experts previously believed. What happened to $4 trillion in Chinese gross domestic product? Statistics. When economists calculate a country's gross domestic product, they add up the prices of the goods and services its economy produces and get a total -- in dollars for the United States, euros for such countries as Germany and France and yuan for China. To compare countries' GDP, they typically convert each country's product into dollars. The simplest way to do this is to use exchange rates. In 2006, the World Bank calculated that China produced 21 trillion yuan worth of goods and services. Using the market exchange rate of 7.8 yuan to the dollar, the bank pegged China's GDP at $2.7 trillion. That number is too low. For one thing, like many countries, China artificially manipulates the value of its currency. For another, many goods in less developed economies such as China and Mexico are much cheaper than they are in countries such as the United States. To take these factors into account, economists compare prices from one economy to another and compute an adjusted GDP figure based on "purchasing-power parity." The idea is that a country's GDP adjusted for purchasing-power parity provides a more realistic measure of relative economic strength and of living standards than the unadjusted GDP numbers. Unfortunately, comparing hundreds and even thousands of prices in almost 150 economies all over the world is a difficult thing to do. Concerned that its purchasing-power-parity numbers were out of whack, the World Bank went back to the drawing board and, with help from such countries as India and China, reviewed the data behind its GDP adjustments. It learned that there is less difference between China's domestic prices and those in such countries as the United States than previously thought. So the new purchasing-power-parity adjustment is smaller than the old one -- and $4 trillion in Chinese GDP melts into air. The political consequences will be felt far and wide. To begin with, the U.S. will remain the world's largest economy well into the future. Given that fact, fears that China will challenge the U.S. for global political leadership seem overblown. Under the old figures, China was predicted to pass the United States as the world's largest economy in 2012. That isn't going to happen. Also, the difference in U.S. and Chinese living standards is much larger than previously thought. Average income per Chinese is less than one-tenth the U.S. level. With its people this poor, China will have a hard time raising enough revenue for the vast military buildup needed to challenge the United States. The balance of power in Asia looks more secure. Japan's economy was not affected by the World Bank revisions. China's economy has shrunk by 40% compared with Japan too. And although India's economy was downgraded by 40%, the United States, Japan and India will be more than capable of balancing China's military power in Asia for a very long time to come. But don't pop the champagne corks. It is bad news that billions of people are significantly poorer than we thought. China and India are not the only countries whose GDP has been revised downward. The World Bank figures show sub-Saharan Africa's economy to be 25% smaller. One consequence is that the ambitious campaign to reduce world poverty by 2015 through the United Nations Millennium Development Goals will surely fail. We have underestimated the size of the world's poverty problem, and we have overestimated our progress in attacking it. This is not good. There is more bad news. U.S. businesses and entrepreneurs hoping to crack the Chinese and Indian markets must come to terms with a middle class that is significantly smaller than thought. Investors in overseas stocks should take note. Companies with growth plans tied to the Indian and Chinese markets could face disappointing results, and the high prices of many emerging-market stocks depend on buzz and psychology. Investor sentiment on China and India may now be significantly more vulnerable to future bad news. China's political stability may be more fragile than thought. The country faces huge domestic challenges -- an aging population lacking any form of social security, wholesale problems in the financial system that dwarf those revealed in the U.S. sub-prime loan mess and the breakdown of its health system. These problems are as big as ever, but China has fewer resources to meet them than we thought. And there is the environment. With poor air quality, acute water shortages, massive pollution in major watersheds and many other environmental problems, China needs to make enormous investments in the environment to avoid major disasters. Globally, it will be much harder to get China -- and India -- to make any sacrifices to address problems such as global warming. For Americans, the new numbers from the World Bank bring good news and bad. On the plus side, U.S. leadership in the global system seems more secure and more likely to endure through the next generation. On the other hand, the world we are called on to lead is poorer and more troubled than we anticipated. Maybe the old Chinese curse says it best: We seem to be headed for interesting times. Walter Russell Mead, a senior fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations, is the author of "God and Gold: Britain, America and the Making of the Modern World."

The reality is China just is not all that big - yet. I posted the article below around the beginning of this year. It is an interesting read. http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday...nday-commentary I apologize for my redundancy......

Might be better to use theirs first. Our is getting more and more expensive to get out of the ground.

Were we not saying this about the Japanese 20 years ago? "It's like deja vu all over again" - Yogi Berra

He has been spending money like a drunken democrat!

I certainly do agree they do spend a lot of money on nonsense. Corporate welfare? There certainly is some. In the overall scheme of things very little. War spending. While significant, once again just not that much. And the "return" (on investment) we receive is not just good, it is necessary. I am curious: Just what "other domestic programs" might we cut in your opinion? J, your ideas and aspirations are admirable. Emotional, heartfelt. I wish they could work. I do not believe they can though. PS. Agreed it is hard to feel sorry for the farmers anymore. It is primarily the large "corporate farmers" who benefit most from subsidies.

I sure hope you are right! Yes they will raise our taxes. Yours and mine. Hum, the problem with this reasoning is it overlooks the fact that historically, .85 cents of every dollar spent on entitlement programs goes towards administrative costs and overhead. Hey, for every billionaire you show me who says he doesn't pay enough taxes I will show you 10 who say they pay too much.

When is the last time anybody's taxes went down because of the democrats? You really think they will only raise taxes on the rich and not you too? For the sake of argument lets ignore how raising taxes slows the economy thus reducing the government revenue. Lets not even think about how if you tax the rich too much they move significant portions of their monies offshore to avoid those taxes resulting in less tax revenues. Forget about all that. Lets focus on the democrats. Both Clinton and Obama say they would like to implement universal healthcare. It is a mojor part of both's campaign. The costs would be tremendous. EXTRAORDINARY! It would make the Iraq War expenditures looks like small baht coins. Currently the US is headed for a train wreck with our existing entitlement programs. Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and others currently consume over half our annual budget and are rising fast. We are struggling to find ways to pay for these programs in the future without raising taxes too much. And the democrats want to add another program that will consume huge amounts of revenue. You really think only the rich will pay more taxes and not you? If the democrats are elected they will not draw our forces down any faster than the rebublicans. Its just election hype.

Are you leaving because you think things in America are really so bad, or because of the LBFM's in Thailand?

Very good! Keep em coming.

Mexican Earthquake A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

That is too good!

I wish I had special powers too!

Anybody know if they have inroom Internet?

Dr's Advice A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had Developed a penchant for anal sex, And she was not sure that it was such A good idea. 'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.' 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't Practice anal sex, if that's what you Like, so long as you take care not to Get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Shur and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate ?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Bridget walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Bridget, shaking his head and mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Bridget asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again!"

The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about he baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny. Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnny,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.