BigusDicus

Mexican Earthquake A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

That is too good!

I wish I had special powers too!

Anybody know if they have inroom Internet?

Dr's Advice A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had Developed a penchant for anal sex, And she was not sure that it was such A good idea. 'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.' 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't Practice anal sex, if that's what you Like, so long as you take care not to Get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Shur and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate ?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Bridget walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Bridget, shaking his head and mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Bridget asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again!"

The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about he baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny. Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnny,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said. "You're welcome.'" So the three of them started playing and the two old friends enjoyed the round of golf and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the matter-of-fact reply. "You're joking!" the old friends replied, nearly in unison. "No, I'm not," he said, and he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said one of the old friends. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." He picked up the rifle and looked thro ugh the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic! I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha! I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute. That's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!" He turned to the hit man. "How much do you charge for a hit?' "I'll charge a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure. What do you want?" "First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor. He has been a long-time friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" demanded the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly. "I think I can sav e you a grand here."

The pool is small but nice. Great ambience. There are safes in the rooms.

They do not pay any attention to who you bring back.

It is a gem. Clean rooms, good food, no problems bring back babes. I had problems with a intermitent Internet signal during the night. Would probaly be enough for most users. I need a full constant signal because I make long business calls. Would constantly drop. I had to change hotels. If you just need to browse the web it would work fine.

A blonde went into a mechanic shop and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' click here.... http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

The Blonde and the Lord A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally... getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her ho le. The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 'IS THAT YOU LORD?' The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!

I know her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2triiYXSY8&feature=bz303

Good one. I am going to steal it!

Are prices in the UK still rising? Have gone flat or are dropping here in S California.

The heartless hussies. My God! The horror of it all!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AScoMhVZQnw

Geez, I miss PSA. They really were a great airline! Used to fly them every week between here and San Francisco. Best looking stews, bar none. Seriously, no other airline came close. I dated one off and on for a year or two many, many years ago. Blonde cutie named Lisa (she had a little sister, Susie who was even cuter. She worked at the family dry cleaning shop here in Newport Beach on the corner of Balboa Blvd & PCH. I tried to do Susie one time and it screwed things up with Lisa. Go figure!). I wonder whatever happened to them? Hummm, a walk down mammary lane. US Airlines has screwed up ever airline they have purchased. Every single one!

In room Internet? Hard wired or wireless?

BLONDE LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one d ay. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass ofchampagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!