monkeyman

There's a brand new Walking Street Go Go opening tonight on the site of a former retail business and two more currently under construction. Nuff said?

Too right. Anybody who says schooldays are the best days of your life obviously never had to use that stuff.

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap from the bra tit of Thailand, and welcome to this month’s montage of military mayhem. New figures just released by City Hall show the number of tourists visiting Pattaya this year is projected to be 1.5 million down on the 2013 total. Sounds like a couple of Chinese tour parties must have cancelled. Pattaya’s deckchairs are the latest target for the boys in green, with strict rules being laid down for the numbers and formations permissible. All they need to do now is rename the beach ‘Titanic’. Police visited Pattaya Remand Prison the other Thursday morning to search for contraband items in the cell blocks. The items they found were later put on display, including a miscellaneous selection of porn, a bow tie that lights up, a plastic dog turd, a signed photograph of Sherpa Tensing and a homemade bingo set, apparently made with ping pong balls from a local Go Go Bar. Police are now searching for the girl who smuggled them in. They must be short of a cabaret act for their Christmas party. This swarthy looking tourist approached several jet ski operators to enquire about hiring a small paddle boat before he was arrested by police on suspicion of being a pedalophile… Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”. We also carried a story last month about an Algerian who was thrown off a plane for being a stinking pig. However, it seems that the man, although of Algerian ethnicity, was actually born in Paris and is therefore a Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey. Apologies for the error and for any offence that may have been caused to Algerians and stinking pigs everywhere. A prominent local business figure was lucky to escape injury when his expensive executive limousine was written off after he drove it into the back of a parked coach in South Pattaya. The man refused to explain the events leading up to the crash, though it does prove that even white double decker coaches are difficult to see at night – especially when you’re pissed as a fart. You can always spot a Muslim bar. The toilet rolls are stamped “medicated with ISIL.”… (anybody get that?) Time for bar news now, and not too much to report this month. Hot & Cold on Soi Post Office is now cold – as in closed. Walking Street has two new Go Go’s as Infinity and Spicy Girls both open their doors to Joe Public for the first time. The latter does apparently have a tenuous link to the old Spicy Girls on Pattayaland 2 – probably still got the same girls as well. And it looks like there’s another two new Go Go Bars shaping to open up in Walking Street - watch this space. Or better still, watch the two spaces on Walking Street vacated by beer bars. A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary. It’s being said by some that 2000 baht ST is the going rate in Go Go bars these days. As soon as they ask a punter for 2000 baht, he goes. There are some nice girls on Beach Road, but be careful that you don’t end up with a starfish… A fruit vendor was arrested in South Pattaya the other Friday after it emerged that he had three outstanding arrest warrants against him. Against a fruit vendor? For what? Carrying a loaded mango? Brandishing a banana with intent to cause a breach of the peace? Using a pineapple in a built-up area? First hate crime, now fruit crime. Be afraid – be very afraid. The Oscar Pestorius trial verdict seems to have created a stir, even in Thailand. Someone in the courtroom was allegedly arrested for shouting “kaffir” at the judge but was released after convincing the police that he’d just sneezed. Reckon if Charles Manson had been tried in that court he'd have probably got off with a fine. And finally, you can forget Pattaya bar girls, everybody’s saying Koh Tao is the best place to go if you’re looking for a real killer hoe. be seeing you monkeyman

Now that's what I call a happy hour. :gulp :gulp :gulp :gulp :gulp

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming along for the ride, and off we go once again. Police and bomb disposal experts were called to a local hospital after what was thought to be an explosive device was found outside the premises by a nurse arriving for work. The device proved to be an imitation when it pretended to explode and feigned injury to several people. Some representatives from the Ministry of Defence visited Pattaya the other Thursday for what was described as an educational visit to observe how the local police and City Hall went about their business. When asked if the visit had been educational, one of the representatives replied “Well it certainly taught us a lesson”. Police and medics were called to a local park a couple of Tuesdays ago after a Russian was injured by a suction pipe. No information was released about the Russian or the suction pipe, though the latter is believed to work in a Soi 6 bar. Pattaya Sanitation Department has bought a load of spiffy new drainage pipes in an effort to avoid a repetition of the chaos caused by floods during recent rainy seasons. Unfortunately, they blew their whole budget on the pipes so they can’t afford to install them until next year. In the meantime, they’ve stacked the pipes up and are advertising them as luxury accommodation for Indian tourists… A Thai-German boy was taken to hospital after being bitten by a pack of stray dogs on Pattaya Beach. An observer reckoned the boy had a lucky escape as the dogs looked like they were about to eat him. It seems they spat him out when they realised he wasn’t pure Thai, as they are known to have a distaste for foreign food. Pity the bloody mosquitoes don’t have a similar palate. One of Thailand’s Olympic sailors was involved in a bit of an accident three weeks back when he crashed into the front of a roadside restaurant on the Sukhumvit Road, destroying five parked motorbikes in the process. The chappie concerned is apparently training hard for the Asean Games in South Korea this month. Perhaps someone should tell him his training would probably go better if he tried doing it on the water. Pattaya’s very own complaint centre has opened following a decree from the boys in power that such centres should be set up throughout the country. The centres will focus on various issues, though we are promised that entertainment venues will come under particular scrutiny and anyone who witnesses drug usage, underage staff and patrons or lewd shows should contact them immediately. They surely won’t have anything to do then, given the huge influx of quality tourists into Pattaya in recent years. There’s a rumour going round that the very first complainant went in to complain about the complaints centre and was taken out the back and shot. There’s been a lot of talk recently about the Pattaya Underground Lottery but we weren’t able to get any more information as their Head Office refused to comment… Bars news now, and things have been a little quieter this month. Walking Street will shortly be adding Infinity A Go Go to its list, which will be a new bar rather than an old one rebranded. Ginza I has reopened despite rumours to the contrary and Ginza II has resurfaced under new management and gone back to its old moniker of Glasshouse. Moonlight A Go Go has also unexpectedly reopened after a seven month absence and is still open several days later, which is unusual for a bar on that site. LK Metro has yet another new Go Go in the shape of Malibu Club, which has opened next door to its sister bar Champagne. And Lighthouse briefly became Alighthouse when it caught fire a couple of weeks ago but it’s all better now. Spiffing. For food fans, the front of Royal Garden Plaza is the home of a new KFC (that’s Korean Fried Canine), so if you’re feeling a little husky you can now go and eat one. There’s also a new restaurant on Soi Buakhao called Woks and Knickers, which sounds interesting if you’re a monger but a tad racist if you’re a bit hard of hearing. Arson is suspected after a noisy Karaoke Bar in Jomtien burned to the ground in the early hours of the morning a couple of Mondays ago. Five thousand local residents and holidaymakers are helping the police with their enquiries. Ever had that feeling you’re being watched?... As part of a new police training initiative, officers took part in a simulated bank robbery in Jomtien last week. Two armed men made off with 2,000,000 baht but only made it as far as Jomtien Second Road before they were arrested and the money was returned – well, most of it anyway. An Algerian has filed a discrimination claim against an airline after he was ejected from the flight because he ‘smelled like a pair of zookeeper’s boots’. However, it’s still unclear whether the man is claiming he was discriminated against because he’s an Algerian or because he’s a stinking pig. And finally, where have all the Russians gone? Several theories have been expounded about their dwindling numbers, but the definitive answer still seems to elude us. Perhaps it’s best to just keep quiet and try to contain our grief. be seeing you monkeyman

Looks like it's been shut down.

Sunee Plaza might be a good starting point.

Many thanks Martin. Hope to catch up with you and Pin soon.

Apologies for the error Dave. All the best for the future and I hope the BF will live on under new ownership.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this, our bumper 100th edition of Monkeywatch. May we take this opportunity to thank both of our readers for their years of unstinting support. Right, stand by for blast-off. Passports have been in the news again with the statement by a senior Thai immigration official that tourists and expats will in future have to carry their passports on their person at all times or face possible fines and even imprisonment. This created a predictable furore until an even more senior immigration official declared that statement to be complete and utter bollocks. Wonder if the next bloke up the line will have anything to say? We couldn’t wait to hear from him so we’ve all been to Helena Handcart, a Thai immigration expert, who told us to “Just carry a fucking forgery you twats” before collapsing on the floor in an alcoholic stupor. As you probably know, new security measures have been put in place to by those friendly airline people keep you safer when you fly to Fun City. From now on, if customs officials find an electronic device in someone’s luggage that might be a bomb, the owner will be asked to turn it on. There you are. Feel safer now? A minivan carrying Indian tourists crashed on its way from Suvarnabhumi Airport after the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Reports say that 27 of the tourists were injured in the crash, but the majority escaped unscathed. Police, Navy and Government personnel took part in a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other Friday after reports of illegal activities taking place on the premises. Police were acting on a tip-off that large numbers of criminals were believed to have gathered there and that weapons and drugs may be present. Nothing was found, but the officer in charge of the raid warned them that if anything was found in future raids, the prison would be subject to a 60-day closure order and those found to be breaking the law would be arrested and may face a jail sentence. Pattaya officials have finally found a way of solving the illegal parking problem on Beach Road – they’re going to make it legal… Following the recommendation that people should be eating 7-10 portions of fruit and vegetables per day, a group of scientists have warned of the potentially catastrophic increase in global warming that may be caused by the ensuing flatulence. Pattaya hotel owners, however, are more worried about how this fartfest might affect marquees erected for big functions. One of them remarked “If someone lights a cigarette in there the whole thing could go up like the bloody Hindenberg”. Pawnbrokers and antique dealers in Pattaya have been issued with instructions on how to avoid selling stolen government property - stop buying it. Easier said than done according to the shops in question, though one would think it unlikely that someone trying to flog a load of drain covers and bridge rails had obtained them from a legitimate source. A judge in Sweden has upheld the right of a bar owner to ban all Thai women from his bar on the grounds that they are “probably prostitutes”. Perhaps Thai bar owners should consider banning all Swedish judges and bar owners from their premises on the grounds that they are “probably ignorant racist bigots”. Police were called to an apartment in Soi Buakhao after a report that a German tourist had been drugged and robbed by two women who offered him a free massage in his room (massage for nothing and the chicks for free?) Anyway, the German fellow, a Mr Schicklgruber (pictured below), woke up to find that he had been relieved of 10,000baht and a mobile phone. He thanked the police for their efforts, but said his next trip abroad would probably be to Poland… A busy Bar News this month, beginning with the demise of two much loved and revered Pattaya institutions. That old favourite Xzone has shut its doors, apparently for good, and The Blues Factory is due to close later this month. Has the whole world gone mad? And if that wasn’t enough, things are starting to get a bit lively elsewhere as the new regime makes its presence felt. V20 Ice Bar had a 60-day closure order slapped on it for opening too early (though someone must have had a calendar malfunction as it’s already reopened), with Go Gos on LK Metro having their knuckles rapped about the same thing. Hot Tuna was also closed, in their case for playing music too late. On the disco front, Flexx Club was shut twice in the space of a week, the first time for drugs and the second because the police had shut it but it was still open. Well they didn’t shut it then, did they? And Pulse Disco was shut down after security guards beat up an Indian when he tried to get in after being refused entry. Well he won’t be going in for a while now. Silly bugger. Both Ginza I and II are now up for sale and it looks like they won’t be reopening following the 30 and 60 day closure orders. On the upside, Living Dolls Showcase has now reopened and things seem to have quietened down a bit. Or is it the calm before the storm? Or has the storm passed already? Or is this turning into a weather forecast? Nui’s Club seems to have been renamed Runway to tie in with sister bar, Airport. If they decide to call their next bar Cockpit, it’ll probably be one to avoid. Just a thought, but if all the new regime are going to do is spend their time and energy having a go at Thailand’s bars and discos, wasn’t staging a military coup perhaps just a teeny bit over the top? Actually, there’s been a bit of a crackdown on visa overstays as well. It’s been suggested that this is to weed out the filth and scum, though the authorities deny that they are targeting Arabs, Russians or Indians. It seems that a group of visa overstayers came up with a novel way to get round the new regulations after watching a rerun of ‘The Great Escape’… Two local monks have been defrocked after being arrested by police for possession of drugs and pornography. They claimed in their defence that the drugs were an aid to meditation as they made it last longer. A sort of spiritual Viagra, maybe? It still doesn’t explain the porn though. Naughty monks. Armed soldiers in full combat gear were sent to a tourist beach the other Wednesday to clear away the food stalls and other vending operations, allegedly as “part of a campaign to clean up the country’s image”. Really? Not sure that the average tourist visiting Thailand for the first time and seeing a beach crawling with armed soldiers attacking beach vendors will be thinking to themselves “I’d sure like to come here again”. The 2014 Pattaya Marathon was once again convincingly won by Kenya, whose athletes took the top six places in the event. Very good, but you’d think a place like Pattaya could come up with a more imaginative idea for a marathon. One bloke said his idea of a marathon was 26 pints, a chicken vindaloo and a bar girl. Wonder how he deals with a half marathon? be seeing you monkeyman

If I could own any bar in Pattaya, I'd choose this one. The business model is bulletproof.

With all the bars shut, they haven't got anywhere else to go.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to post curfew Patts. Hoorah. A Malaysian bloke who decided to spice up his first trip to Thailand by ordering a penis enlarger online was more than a little miffed when he opened the package and found it contained a magnifying glass. There’s been disquiet in some quarters after it was reported that a certain Walking Street Go Go bar is controversially employing ladyboy dancers. This is absolutely appalling. Some poor unsuspecting poof could go in there and end up with a girl by mistake. Drivers in Pattaya are going to find it harder to get their licences following the introduction of a new and tougher driving test in Thailand last month. Instead of the old 30 question theory test, they will now have to answer 50 questions and the pass score has been raised from 75 per cent to 90 per cent. Worse still, if they get through that they now have to drive a car as part of the test as well. Baht bus drivers will, however, be exempt from the theory bit – and the driving bit. Tourist officials have announced that Pattaya has bounced back following the ending of the curfew and the streets are once again teeming with happy holidaymakers… Bars news now, and a group of Walking Street Go Go’s seem to be involved in some kind of juggling act. Hooties has closed and the staff have moved to Roxy, the Roxy staff have moved to Nui’s and the Nui’s staff have moved to Playgirls. Roxy and Hooties are mooted to have been bought by Insomnia as part of their expansion plans, so expect both premises to be absorbed into Insomnia before too long. Tiger has gone dark and Lucifer’s, one Harem and both Ginzas are the latest places to be closed following police raids. Guess they forgot to renew their subscriptions. Discussion about bar closures invariably generates comments about the enigma that is tea money, though the significance of this is often exaggerated. It’s been said that the remuneration involved isn’t usually more than a single barfine, though if it was based on Moon Club rates it’d probably put most bars out of business. Two Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday night to report they’d been drugged and robbed (here we go again.) They claimed to have met two women in the restaurant of the seedy Central Pattaya hotel where they were sharing a room and been persuaded to take the ladies to their room for some horizontal bonding. They drank a load of beer and although one of the victims noticed one of the women slipping something into the cans, it was too late and they both passed out. When they woke up, they had allegedly been robbed of 100,000 baht and a 20,000 baht iPhone. When police check the room out they found a load of beer cans and some used condoms which were taken away for further examination (nice work if you can get it - not.) So how come two blokes who were staying in a dirt cheap doss house (but still had to share a room) happened to have 100,000 baht and an expensive phone in their possession? And why was it too late to stop the drugging when they saw the stuff being put into the cans? And why do the police have to waste their time filing bogus insurance claims for cheap stinking pigs? Those who doubted that Oliver Reed ever visited Pattaya are shown the urine sample he gave during a bar raid in 1998… Some farangs visiting Pattaya Floating Market recently have been getting confused when told that they now have to pay 200 baht to get in if they don’t have a Thai with them. They seem to think that the place has introduced some kind of dress code. Someone emailed a well- known weekly blog column a couple of weeks back to say that 5000 baht LT was a fair price. Well, based on the old adage that the uglier you are the more you pay, that guy must have a face that’d stop a clock. Pattaya Police station had a busy time in the early hours of June 19 when no less than four tourists turned up to report robberies in the space of half an hour. First we had a mugging by ladyboys on Beach Road, then a pickpocket on a baht bus, followed by another ladyboy mugging and topped off with a robbery from a hotel safe. They were all told that the police couldn’t be bothered with any of this as they were too busy raiding bars. The bloke on the baht bus came off worst, having lost 2900 GBP from his pocket. He must have been planning to barfine an agency girl. Looks like the police have come up with a new way of dealing with criminals on Beach Road… The rat problem on Beach Road has kicked off again, with numerous reports of the little buggers being seen scurrying about in the sand and feeding on garbage left behind by tourists. There have also been reports of large numbers of vermin down the South end of Walking Street. With tourism running at alarmingly low levels, Pattaya officials are focusing on cleaning up the beach and conducting more drug tests in an attempt to remedy the situation. So nothing to do with curfews and bar raids then. One official did suggest tackling extortion by jet ski operators, so he was the first one sent for a drug test. Raids were carried out on four foreign language radio stations the Wednesday before last and ‘irregularities’ were found at three of them. The fourth station got off on a technicality after they pointed out they didn’t broadcast in a foreign language – they only used English. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a big core coup crap for looking in once again, and welcome to this month’s midsummer military mayhem. Well, the big news of the month was obviously the military coup and particularly that nasty 10 pm to 5am curfew. All bars were affected except for JP Bar, as they don’t open before 5am anyway. Apart from the early bar closings, there was a ban on gatherings of more than five people, which resulted in several hundred Indian tourists being ejected from their hotel rooms. A Thai cable TV worker was left bereft of transportation after parking his motorcycle in Central Pattaya then having it stolen seconds later by a man described as “overweight”. Twenty thousand farangs are helping police with their enquiries. Four Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station in the early hours of the morning the other Friday claiming they’d each been robbed of a gold necklace by ladyboys on Beach Road. The ladyboys had allegedly approached the men by Soi 13 and embraced them while stealing all four of their necklaces, which were amazingly each worth exactly 50,000 rupees. Police made out a report for insurance purposes, though they were unable to decide whether to file it under ‘Stinking Pigs’ or ‘Flying Pigs’. One way to beat the curfew is to travel round the drains in a snorkel… There’s been some discussion about how the Pattaya scene is being killed off by the Agency Model. Is there anything that can be done to reverse the trend? Well, all you have to do is get the bar owners to put up a united front and collectively agree not to employ these girls. So nothing can be done then. Police were called to a small local village in East Pattaya after residents detained a 21 year old man who was said to have sexually assaulted a 74 year old woman in her own home. A spokesman said that the man had been questioned and was facing a charge of necrophilia with an underage woman. A Thai teenager was arrested for shoplifting in a 7-Eleven store in Central Pattaya the other Friday after he was found to have concealed a bottle of sunscreen down the front of his trousers. He was taken to Dongtan Police station for further questioning. You can’t hide a farang woman by leaving her in the car… Bar news now, and Glasshouse a Go Go on Walking Street has reopened as Ginza II. The original Ginza is now closing for a refurb and will be reborn as, wait for it, Ginza I. Don’t know how they think these names up. The old Teazers/Shhh joint is to reopen as Crazy House A Go Go, not to be confused with the place up the road called Crazy Horse, where one assumes the owners were a little confused as to where Indian tourists actually come from. And Living Dolls Showcase has been closed for 60 days following a police raid. Anyone for tiffin? A female motorcycle taxi driver became impaled on a rod in East Pattaya the other Thursday while walking round a construction site. A familiar story in Pattaya – apart from the bits about ‘motorcycle taxi driver’ and ‘construction site’. A couple of Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station a couple of weeks ago and made the astonishing claim that they’d been scammed by jet ski operators. Or to be more precise, they’d refused to pay up for the alleged damage and been given a good kicking by five Thai blokes. The victims then showed the police some video footage they’d taken of the attack which quite clearly identified two of the assailants but were informed that a conviction was unlikely given the limited evidence available. Bet Oscar Pistorius wishes his trial was in Pattaya. If he gets off, his lawyer will probably be getting a call from Charles Manson. For those of you who aren’t in Pattaya at the moment, here’s a panoramic view of Walking Street just after midnight last night… Following a spate of accidents since the installation of the new booms in the sea off Pattaya beach, officials are looking at ways to make them safer. They first tried splitting the booms into two narrower sections to discourage people from walking on them, but this idea was abandoned after a tourist decided to straddle them and had his penis bitten off by a thresher shark. Safety officers have now decided that the best way to make the booms safer is to glue broken glass along the top. In an attempt to stop beach erosion in Pattaya, City Hall has spent 3.1 million baht on sandbags which are currently being installed along Beach Road. This follows the time-honoured Thai tradition of “we’ve tried this idea before and it didn’t work then so let’s try exactly the same thing again and see if it works now”. The sandbags are reportedly being installed using all the city’s backhoes, so Boyztown is in for a few quiet nights. Finally, a raid was carried out the other Tuesday to rid Beach Road of “prostitutes and other criminal elements.” We’ll let you know as soon as we find out where they’ve moved the police station. Oh, and the curfew’s just been lifted. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our newest selection of salacious snippets. Game on. Well, Songkran has come round again, and it brought forth some novel events, including a ‘Drink, Dive, Duck’ party at the A-One Royal Cruise Hotel. Unfortunately, the marketing executive who devised it was stopped by police on his way back home for driving erratically and ended up attending a 'Drink, Drive, Fucked' party at Pattaya Police Station. Another special event organised for Songkran was a Buddhist Relics Parade that took place throughout the streets of Pattaya on April 13. The relics in question were obtained from the Sanctuary of Truth, though some suggested that they could have got better ones from some of the local Go Go Bars. A number of people were arrested in the Siren Beer Bar Complex a couple of weeks ago after police caught them playing “Hi-Low” for money on a pool table. The police carried out the raid following a tip-off, but initially had difficulty finding these lawbreakers as they were hiding behind a group of prostitutes and drug dealers. That old favourite table football is making a comeback in Pattaya after being modified for the Chinese market… A Thai bloke was injured the other Thursday after falling off the roof of his condo while trying to get a better WiFi signal for his smart phone. This is the second tragedy to hit the family, his brother having previously drowned in Pattaya Bay while trying to get a better sonar signal for his submarine. It’s been reported that there was a drop in the number of Japanese tourists visiting Pattaya during April. This may be due to them staying home for Japan’s Annual Penis Festival on the first Sunday of last month, though attendance was said to be low as no-one could find it. A local karaoke bar seems to have developed a new way of measuring the popularity of its performers. When a drunken woman grabbed the microphone and started singing in a manner that was appalling even by karaoke bar standards, the audience responded by smashing a couple of bottles in her face. Simon Cowell is said to be considering using this method of contestant appraisal in the next series of The X-Factor. Following the recent political unrest in Thailand, Pattaya has taken delivery of a number of ground-to-air missiles, though they’ve all been gaily painted so they blend in with the city’s atmosphere of carefree holiday fun… Time for bar news, and the big story this month is that there isn’t a big story this month. Or too many little ones for that matter. Harem has opened on Walking Street where the G-U-Y poof club used to be. FLB is still a work in progress, though it’s starting to look much nicer now. And the former Silver Star on Walking Street is to reopen as Hades Coyote Club. Don’t all rush at once. It’s been announced that Thai clothing companies are to supply football strips for 10 teams competing in the 2014 World Cup. So next time you buy some cheap knock-off crap from a Thai sports clothing vendor and it falls to pieces the next day, don’t go back to the stall and kick him in the balls – it might be the genuine article. Local authorities had to send a clean-up team to Jomtien the other Thursday after reports that a 2 km stretch of the beach was covered in oil. An Environment Agency spokesman said the situation has now been rectified and should not occur again as a new law has been passed requiring all Elvis impersonators to wear bathing caps. So the Bugatti Veyron is a great car because it has 16 cylinders? Well, so has this truck in Soi 1. Count ‘em… As part of the Thai New Year celebrations, The Fountain of Life Children’s Center organised an event to show 50 lucky kids the traditional side and spiritual meaning of the Songkran festival. They herded them onto the car park and turned a water cannon on them. A Bangkok taxi driver was scammed out of 3500 baht the other week by a Thai chappie in Pattaya. Apparently, the chap approached the taxi and told the driver he worked for a hotel where a foreign customer was willing to pay 12000 baht for a provincial tour. However, he wanted 3500 baht up front before he’d introduce the driver to the customer. The pair proceeded to the hotel where the 3500 baht was handed over and the driver was told to wait in the car park while chummie went inside and fetched the customer. Our witless wonder waited patiently on the car park for an hour and then started to get suspicious, so he went into the hotel and was told that, surprise surprise, the Thai bloke didn’t work for them and the foreign customer didn’t exist. Reckon this dude’s brain is the only thing on earth smaller than the exhibits at that Japanese Penis Festival. Finally, Thaksin Shinawatra has appealed to Thais to use Songkran as a starting point for forgiving and forgetting the events of the past and rediscovering their traditional values and culture. For those who don’t know, Thaksin is the bloke who used to run Thailand but is best remembered for buying a Tie Rack tie and then naming his political party after it. be seeing you monkeyman

That's true. Some blocks of seats are allocated before the 100 day deadline.

Shoes are stored and claimed using a bowling alley type set up, so you should get them back with any luck.

Definitely worth a visit, but avoid weekends as the place is overrun with kids.

On carefully arranged piles of bricks and sand bags, and even on their own little portable chairs. It's been quite an invention test for them.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to a further taste of tantalising titillation from testosterone town. Well, once again it was time for the Pattaya Music Festival to happen, and happen it did. The word ‘International’ was noticeably absent from the title of this year’s event, probably because all the international acts that were supposed to be appearing were noticeably absent as well. Nevertheless, the concerts at the six beachfront stages were standing-room only – someone forgot to order the seats. The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish. A group of officials from Uthai Thani visited Pattaya last month to see how the city’s management and administration processes work. No doubt they found it to be a most enriching and enlightening experience, and were surely filled with delight when cascading their acquired wisdom to fascinated colleagues on their return home. Police have been instructed to clamp down on Indian tourists parking their vehicles illegally on Beach Road… If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead. Police were called to North Pattaya the other Thursday after a British tourist reported that his apartment had been burgled. Mr Kofi Frimpong (British?) said his safe had been opened and 500 baht, 50 yen and 300 pounds sterling had been taken, along with the runners-up medal his great great grandfather won at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift. Is that all? Think he needs a few tips from Indians on how to report a robbery. He told police he held a British passport, so they arrested him for theft. When are the powers that be going to come to their senses and put some bloody seats on Beach Road? What with that and the defoliation of the trees, it’s impossible to go for a decent walk by the beach without ending up in a worse state than Alec Guinness after they let him out of that metal box in ‘Bridge on the River Kwai’. What’s the matter with the people in charge? Are they bereft of buttocks? Or just brains? Remember that Indian Restaurant that was on Soi 1… Then it suddenly vanished… Well, it’s reappeared, but further down the Soi and on the other side. So if you’re in the area, keep an eye out for a Malaysian airliner… Bar news now, and FLB is up and running again, though it’s currently looking like Jimmy Wah’s bar in ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ after the bomb went off. Seems that the opening date and the refurb completion date didn’t quite match up. Should be nice when it’s all finished though. Sexy A Go Go on Soi 7 has closed, though it’s rumoured to be reopening in a few weeks. Silver Star 3 on Walking Street is temporarily closed for a refurb. And the Rahtree Complex on Soi Buakhao has been renamed Boom Boom. Well the name’s an improvement anyway. Another jet skier consigned to Davey Jones’ Locker last week, this time a Brit at Koh Larn. Still, could’ve been worse. Like that Indian bloke who had a head-on jet ski crash and ended up 50 feet away from his craft but left his bollocks swinging on the handlebars. Have to feel sorry for him. It can’t be nice to know that even if you got together with Jimmy White you still wouldn’t have any more balls than Hitler. Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense. Despite the recent ban in Thailand, the illegal trading of elephant testicles continues to be a problem… The two owners of a Turkish ice cream parlour in Second Road were arrested the other Tuesday after having a knife fight outside their business premises. Strangely, when asked why they were fighting, one said it was about a passport and the other said it was about a fridge. Perhaps the two words sound similar in Turkish – especially when you’re pissed as a fart. A new organisation has been set up that will pay people involved in unfortunate incidents in Pattaya up to 100,000 baht. However, the ‘Help Tourists Victimized by Crimes in Pattaya City and Banglamung District Association’ (another catchy little name) will only cough up the baht if the person is involved in something that damages the tourist image of Pattaya. The Association has already been deluged with enquiries from jet ski operators, Russian tourists and several TAT officials who all want to know how to get their cut of the money. Finally, reports have come in about a one million baht fire at Nongprue Temple in East Pattaya. What a rip off. They could’ve got one much cheaper than that if they’d shopped around. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us, and welcome to this month’s squint at Smile City. Let’s get going. Heard a story the other week about chap in Pattaya who decided to have his name tattooed on his penis but gave up after the first letter. Some say he ran out of money, others that he just ran out of penis. We hear that a prize-winning Russian pianist gave a performance at a Pattaya hotel last Saturday. Or was that penis as well? No, probably not. That wouldn’t be news. A local woman was killed the other week after being attacked by her neighbour’s dogs on her own front step. Her family put in a claim for compensation but the insurance company refused to pay out as they said it was an Act of Dog. Pattaya’s new 3D cinema has finally opened, though reduced tourist revenues have meant that it’s a little less lavish than originally planned… Currently showing is the new Thai movie blockbuster ‘Monks On Jetskis’, and this will be followed by ‘Yawn’, a musical based on the life of Cliff Richard. Local officials have held an urgent meeting to discuss the dramatic failure of the Pattaya Beach Bus Stop Scheme, which was intended to ease traffic problems by making baht buses stop only at designated bus stops. It seems the baht bus drivers are using the no-stop rule as an excuse to drive through red lights and run over any policeman who tries to flag them down. The drivers say this is just in retaliation for the police hanging around the bottom of Beach Road and handing out tickets to any baht bus trapped in the middle of a traffic jam. A spokesman said the situation would be looked at urgently as soon as the jet ski problems have been resolved. A drunken Thai builder has been arrested for trying to rape a woman 31 years older than him. When asked what motivated the attack, he said he was a child molester but wasn’t very good at maths. Police are hunting a Swedish man after he conned a Thai bloke out of 100,000 baht by selling him a Rolex watch that turned out to be a fake. Now there’s something you don’t hear about every day – a farang scamming a Thai. The slippery Swede even reassured his victim by allowing him to photograph his passport (well, one of them anyway.) Here’s something you don’t often see when you’re sober… Bar news now, and once again FLB Bar makes the headlines, this time because of its impending resurrection next week, albeit under new management and a slight name change to Pattaya FLB Bar. Christ, even Frank Sinatra didn’t make a comeback that quickly. Anyway, good luck to the place and all who sail in her. Destiny A Go Go closed briefly for a refurb and is now back in action. Paradise A Go Go has also closed for an extensive makeover following its change of ownership. Booze Lounge 2 has opened on Soi Buakhao and might be of interest to anyone looking for an alternative hostess bar. And Cat’s Corner on Soi 14 has closed – bad news for F1 fans as it was one of the best bars to watch (and listen to) the races. And now, a new problem – beach booms. These are the gizmos that are supposed to protect swimmers from boats. They presumably don’t protect them from stupidity though, as a couple of cretinous anklebiters managed to injure themselves after trying to use one as a diving platform. Sounds like it won’t be long before the buoys are back in town. The beach booms should not be confused with beach boom booms and beach bums, which are entirely different problems. A march by 300 people took place in Sattahip last week, apparently to try to wipe out dengue fever. Can you really wipe out dengue fever by treading on it? “Hello, it’s about this self-assembly nuclear fallout shelter you sold me yesterday…” A man who had been impersonating an Immigration Officer was arrested by police on Koh Larn last Tuesday after reports that he had been threatening and abusing people, extorting money and generally throwing his weight around. Wonder what gave him away? A Russian who received hospital treatment for pain in his right knee was later found dead in his Jomtien apartment. Doctors described his condition as ‘satisfactory’. Finally, Pattaya officials have already begun planning for this year’s Songkran festivities – they’ve all buggered off to Barbados. be seeing you monkeyman

How about The Pleasure Dome? It never even opened.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another month’s shameless shenanigans. Here we go. A couple of young Russian lads had a bit of an unfortunate experience the other week after picking up a couple of Thai girls on Beach Road. When they got the girls back to their hotel, they discovered they weren’t quite as girlie as expected and a row broke out, followed by a fight that the ladyboys won. Our two hapless heroes then ran off to the police station, resulting in both themselves and the katoeys being arrested and bundled off to hospital to get themselves cleaned up. To top it all, the local hacks showed up and took some photos that were then splashed all over the internet for the delectation of the victims’ families and friends. Never mind lads, one day you’ll laugh about this. In around 50 years time, probably. A street vendor had a bit of bad luck when he fell down a big hole while crossing a construction site near the entrance to Beach Road in the early hours of the morning. Unfortunately, his artificial arms came off during the fall and he couldn’t get out again. He was helped out of the hole by passing tourists but the detached limbs were nowhere to be seen. Police later arrested a man after he was reported to be trying to sell them to a local arms dealer. A delivery driver was injured the other Wednesday after a falling bed landed on him. He was rushed to hospital where he was said to be in a serious condition and under his death bed. Pattaya’s Annual Shooting Competition has had to be cancelled after the manufacturer of the clay pigeons misread centimetres for metres... Here’s a new idea for Pattaya – tribute bars. When a well-known bar disappears from the scene, why not replace it with a similarly sounding copy, just like they do with bands? Anyone for Effing B Bar? Or Club Glue? We’re waiting for a certain Soi 15 show bar to shut so we can open Analbitch. Some people make a big thing about men in Pattaya going with much younger women like it never happened anywhere else, but as we know, that’s bollocks. Take Bruce Forsyth, for instance. His wife’s 40 years younger than him – but then so is his hair. And now, just for a change, a story about a jet ski scam. Five young Russian lads (it just ain’t their month, is it?) were forced to hand over 113,000 baht to jet ski operators after allegedly damaging all five of the craft they’d rented a few minutes earlier. They weren’t too keen on paying until two blokes who looked very slightly not unlike policemen told them to pay up if they didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives in a local nick pulling poofs out of their buttocks. They coughed up, but not before taking photos of each of the 22,600 baht scratches and handing them to the local plod. The case continues. If you need an umbrella with a built in satellite dish, this is where to get it... Bar news now, and the long anticipated closure of FLB Bar has finally come to pass. A sad day for so many whose Pattaya journey began within those very walls. The demise of medically based bars continues with Clinic A Go Go following MASH and Rehab into oblivion, and Moonlight A Go Go has also gone after an indecently short life. Rhino A Go Go closed for a refurb and has alarmingly re-emerged as a coyote bar, though they at least had the courtesy to rename the place Rhino Club, unlike others who try to pass coyote bars off as go go bars. Why do they do that? Why not just open a Go Go bar? An elderly Russian woman suffered a broken leg earlier this week after an Indian dickhead drove a jet ski onto the beach and collided with her. The jet ski operator is now demanding 20,000 baht from the Indian for damaging the craft on the Russian and a further 20,000 baht from the Russian for damaging it with her leg. The Russian is demanding 20,000 baht each from the Indian and the jet ski operator for her injuries. The Indian is demanding 20,000 baht from the jet ski operator for renting him a craft with dodgy steering and 20,000 baht from the Russian woman for crossing a beach without due care and attention. And the police are demanding 20,000 baht from all three of them because they can. The saga continues. A group of 22 students were injured on Highway 36 last Wednesday morning after they were involved in a collision with a container truck. None of the students were seriously hurt but their motorbike was a write off. Gone tomorrow?.. Some newbies to Pattaya have been asking if Beach Road is safe in the early hours of the morning. Yes, Beach Road is perfectly safe – it’s just the people who use it who are in the shit. A group of 50 students held a gathering on Pattaya Beach last Wednesday as a prelude to the General Election. All went well until a woman started hurling abuse, followed by volley of Molotov Cocktails. She was punched in the face, then others came to join in, shots were fired, mass brawling broke out followed by several ear-splitting explosions and the whole thing ended up looking like Dante’s vision of hell. Even a passing Vietnam veteran said “I’ve never seen anything like it”. When asked the purpose of the gathering, a student replied “It was a peace rally”. And finally, a third jet ski story, but one with a difference. A Thai man rented a jet ski and, when accused of damaging it, threatened to have the jet ski operator killed by a gang of Red Shirts. Proof, if proof was needed, that the best form of defence is attack. It did get him arrested though. be seeing you monkeyman

I like Thai Visa. It keeps the PC wankers off boards like this.