monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and core coon crap for joining us at the start of one more year of squinting into the cesspools of Sin City. Walking Street was blacked out for an hour by a power cut shortly after the New Year had been ushered in. No great inconvenience was caused by this unexpected cock up, except to the chap who chose his companion for the night while the lights were out and later experienced an unexpected cock up of his own. A German quality tourist was arrested the other Sunday after being caught stealing a pair of socks from a shop in Royal Garden Plaza. He refused to comment when questioned by police but a court found him guilty and ordered him to be placed on the socks offenders register. The court was later placed on the crap jokes register. A hotel bellboy was arrested by police the other weekend after his apartment was searched following a tip off that was in possession of illegal guns and ammunition. The man admitted the offence but said the guns were only for personal use, adding that guests at the hotel where he works sometimes needed reminding that they haven’t given him a tip. The Arab sheikh who arrived in Pattaya a few weeks ago still hasn’t finished unwrapping his Christmas present yet… The debate about toilet jockeys in bars seems to have resurfaced once again, and the usual questions are being asked, like “what the fuck are these guys doing in girlie bars?” Well, maybe they’re in league with the shoeshine boys. After all, if you’re standing in the bog trying to take a piss and some Siamese brown hatter jumps on your back and starts pummelling your shoulders, you probably won’t be leaving the place with clean shoes. First time visitors to Pattaya will almost certainly encounter Thai expressions with which they are unfamiliar, and it’s important that they learn the subtle differences between similar sounding words. For instance, “boomsing” is a popular Thai euphemism for sex, while “singboom” is a karaoke bar for suicide bombers. If you’ve got the horn, eat one of these… First bar news of the year now, and all the new bars that had planned to open over the Christmas period seem to have done so, though Glamour A Go Go has already managed to close and reopen during this short interval. Sounds like a nasty case of Sakura Club 69 Syndrome. First reports put Sugar Baby A Go Go at the front of the pack, though its Windmill connections no doubt put it in good stead with Johnny Punter. The rumours of the demise of Submarine A Go Go would appear to have been somewhat premature, as it’s now resurfaced after a longer than usual period of inactivity. Either that or they were in silent running mode. Oh well, up periscopes then. Barfines over the festive period have been generating quite a few comments. Hardly surprising, with some establishments charging up to 3500 baht. One punter was reported to have told a bar owner he could stick his barfine where the sun don’t shine, to which the owner allegedly replied that this wouldn’t be possible as he had no plans to visit Scotland. A Thai bloke was arrested just before Christmas after he and two of his dopey mates were spotted smashing up the big ‘PATTAYA’ sign on Pratamnuk Hill following a night on the piss. Bloody vandals. Why can’t they turn their hands to something more useful? Like smashing up that monstrosity over the entrance to Walking Street. First Pattaya had Mini Siam, now it’s got Mini Stonehenge… Pattaya has just launched its own brand of lager, imaginatively named ‘Pattaya Lager’. As there’s a picture of a dolphin on the label, some have suggested that it may be nicknamed ‘Dolphin Beer’, though those who’ve sampled it seem to think that ‘Weasel Piss’ would be a more appropriate moniker. The advertisers have even come up with a slick little slogan to go with it, “Come Pattaya, Drink Pattaya”, though a little research would no doubt have shown them that most punters tend to do the drinking bit first. The Silver Star on Soi 7 lived up to its Wild West sounding name last week when it was the scene of a gunfight that wouldn’t have been out of place at the OK Corral. Bullets were flying everywhere as a Thai bloke was shot dead in a bar and then the escaping gunman was wounded several times by another hail of bullets fired by a group of geezers who went after him. The word is that the dead bloke was shot accidentally, though the fact that he was shot twice has led police to make enquiries at local opticians. Finally, it’s been reported that the local boys in brown took great pains to ensure they were well prepared to cope with the challenges of a busy festive season. They all bought bigger wallets. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Merry Christmas and Cool Yule to one and all as we take a festive squint at the goings on and comings off in the City Of Smirks during yet another season of piss on earth on goodwill to all mongers. A Russian quality tourist and two Thai security guards were taken to hospital the other Thursday after having a knife fight outside a Walking Street disco. It was observed that this incident took place in Pattaya’s Tourist Safety Zone, which led some commentators to suggest that the idea might not be working too well. One might also suggest that this is something of an understatement. A motorcyclist stopped at a police checkpoint for not wearing a helmet was searched and found to be in possession of a gun and 100 yabba tablets. Someone should tell him that 100 bullets would have worked much better. Never ask a Thai to direct you to the Bamboo Bar… A strange occurrence came to pass in East Pattaya last Tuesday when a loud explosion was heard and a large chunk of unusual dark coloured metal fell from the sky and landed on a piece of wasteland. Speculation grew that it may have fallen from a UFO, and rumours began to spread of people disappearing overnight and being found the next morning with no recollection of what had happened to them. So just a normal day in Pattaya then. A Brit tourist drowned last week while he and his chums were fleeing from security guards following an altercation in an all-night discotheque. “We are treating this as a very serious incident”, said a police spokesman, “that discotheque should have been closed by 3am.” Police were called to Beach Road the other night after a car smashed into the front of a tailors shop. The shop owner, who was erecting a new window display at the time, was unhurt but said he would be suing the woman driver for the damage to his shop front and for bending his dickey. But not nightly, matey… Bar news now, and New York New York (so good they closed it twice), Submarine A Go Go, MASH, Office A Go Go and Club Relaxxx have all been temporarily closed for “renovations” at the insistence of the local plod. Most are up and running again now, though there’s a whisper that Submarine may be permanently sunk. On the upside, there’s a shitload of new places either open or opening shortly, namely Miami A Go Go (Soi Post Office), Glamour A Go, Upstairs A Go Go and Sensations A Go Go (Walking Street) and Lady Love A Go Go (Soi LK Metro). The name of the Go Go that’s under construction on the corner of Soi 14 has finally been revealed as Sugar Baby (no points for originality there), and its ownership links suggest it may be one to watch. It’s being reported that Pattaya now has a bad reputation with Russian tourists. Interesting. It’s traditionally been the other way round. As in the case of two Ruskie tarts who were arrested on Wednesday last week after smashing a coke bottle over the head of a shop assistant at a local convenience store. They claimed in their defence that it was a traditional Russian greeting, but were taken to the local police station and given a traditional Thai greeting - with the aid of a few police batons. Well, that sign seems to have covered all the plus points… Some places have tree huggers, Pattaya has tree hackers. Yes, the Beach Road defoliation has begun again, only four months after the previous apocalypse of aesthetic devastation. It’s being claimed that the action was necessary because ripened coconuts could be a danger to tourists but this allegation is not backed up by police records, which clearly demonstrate that no Beach Road coconut has ever been convicted of assaulting holidaymakers, or indeed of any other crime of violence. A couple of them are, however, being investigated for sex offences allegedly committed in the 1970s, though police stressed that they were not connected to the Jimmy Savile case. Finally, City officials are in the process of cleaning up Walking Street. No, don’t panic, this particular clean up only involves brooms, mops and lots of soapy water. They’re also planning to get rid of all the trash and banish the nasty smells. Okay, you can start panicking now. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to November as we celebrate Guy Fawkes, the man who tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament but failed because he got the gunpowder barrels in the wrong sequence. Reckon he was bang out of order. On with the show. A 14-year-old girl was slightly injured near Third Road the other Monday morning when a bullet came through the roof of her bedroom and hit her in the knee. The injury was thought to be an accident caused by someone firing a bullet into the air close to her home, but the police rounded up all the local Taliban members and gave them a good kicking just to be on the safe side. A jet ski operator was found floating face down in the waters off the coast of Pattaya a couple of weeks ago. He was reckoned to have been in the water a couple of days before being discovered. His condition was described as ‘satisfactory’. This should attract a better class of customer… A Thai chappie decided to end it all last week after his mother chastised him for hitting the family cat. She told police that his behaviour was very much in character as he’d spent much of his childhood spanking his monkey. Police arrested two Cambodian labourers last week after they stole a Russian woman’s bag from Wongamat Beach in North Pattaya. The men said they stole the bag as their employer hadn’t paid them and they hadn’t eaten for three days. They added that they’d considered stealing food from MacDonald’s but decided the bag would probably be more nutritious. An old navy ship was sunk off the coast of Koh Larn a couple of weeks ago, apparently so it can become a new artificial reef and an attraction for divers. Guess the divers were getting fed up of exploring the thirty or so Koh Larn ferries that were down there already. The English translation would appear to be the more concise version… Bar news for this month now, and Ginza A Go Go joined the Walking Street ranks as expected (+1), just in time for the closure of Lollipop A Go Go to reduce the number again (-1). That wasn’t the end of the saga though, as the Lollipop girls moved to Halo Club, which has now been renamed Halo A Go Go (+1). So we’re at an all-time high. Deep joy. There’s been some talk lately about Japanese blokes getting all the attention in Go Go bars. No problem. All you have to do is get yourself a pair of thick specs and pretend that you’ve got an unfeasibly small dick. You’ll be beating the girls off with sticks in no time. Over 1500 Thai troops are currently on standby in case they are needed to aid the flood effort. A spokesman said that the troops would be made to lie down on top of each other in areas where there was a shortage of sandbags. The perfect stuff after a night on the falling down water… A security guard was killed last Tuesday afternoon after a newly erected electric pylon fell on him. Passers by told police they hadn’t raised the alarm because they’d mistaken the man for a discarded pizza. Four fried insect vendors were arrested on Pattaya beach last Monday after they were found to be carrying large knives. When asked by police why they were carrying the weapons, they claimed it was to defend themselves. Presumably from food critics. A bit like the story about the farang who walked into a Pattaya restaurant and asked the waiter if he had a seat for lunch, to which the waiter replied “Solly, only hab chicken or fish”. “Which do you recommend?” enquired the falang. “Hab chicken”, said the waiter, “it taste more like seat than anything”. Well, it could happen. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once more as we lift up the corner of Fun City’s carpet and find out what’s been swept under it. All systems go. A team from Pattaya’s Sanitation Department have started work on unblocking the city’s drainage system. They’ve begun by taking up drain covers on Third Road and sucking out the pipes to ensure that the system runs freely. It’s rumoured that if things get too difficult they’ve got a team of girls from Soi 6 on standby to offer a little expert help. A former Walking Street magician was arrested yesterday after being accused of stealing a handbag from a woman after threatening her with a knife. An initial search of the man by police produced nothing, so they turned him upside down and shook him, at which point the missing handbag landed on the floor – followed by twenty mobile phones, three laptops, a 42 inch plasma TV and a Honda Wave. Amazing what you can stuff into a wizard’s sleeve. Visitors have been advised to be on their guard when buying fake Viagra after a German tourist reported that it had affected the wrong part of his body… An amateur footballer died on the pitch during the second half of a match in Sattahip the other Thursday afternoon. The circumstances of his death are still unclear, though it is believed that his side was awarded a free kick as a result. Talking of football, well known football manager and serial lecher Sven-Goran Eriksson has taken up a new job in Thailand but insists he’s only here for the football. Yeah, and we’re only here for the temples, Sven m’boy. An Indian fellow turned up at the police station the other evening alleging he’d been assaulted by a member of staff in a restaurant. When he’d complained that the meal was not to his satisfaction, the Thai waiter punched him in the face, smashed a chair over his head, dragged him outside by his left leg and threw him head first into a garbage skip. The police officer on duty told the man to stop moaning as his complaint had been dealt with satisfactorily and fined him 5000 baht for wasting police time. Business owners are being advised to be on their guard after a particularly audacious theft on Soi 1 where a gang of thieves stole an Indian restaurant. Here it is… And here it isn’t… Bar news now, and there’s been a flurry of activity on Walking Street, with no less than three new Go Go’s for your delectation. Mandarin A Go Go on the left corner of Soi 14 and Pe Pe A Go Go on Soi Covent Garden have already opened, with Ginza A Go Go, which is taking shape next to Nui’s Club 2, due to join them soon. Soi LK Metro is also doing its bit with Showgirls scheduled to open this very evening. Their advertising suggests that this place will be more than just another Go Go, so we await its opening with interest. Worldwide A Go Go on Beach Road is ready to reopen this evening following its refurb, and Smile Rock Girls A Go Go has already rejoined the ranks following a refit, so look out for the usual eyeful of you-know-what the next time you stroll past. Following the news that a new Go Go aimed at Japanese visitors will be opening shortly on Walking Street, we await the fruition of a similar project that will target another section of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. The venue, to be called the Stinking Pig A Go Go, will feature tables that have room for ten chairs but only one drink, girls wearing knickers carrying the slogan “grope me but don’t give me a drink or tip” and a short time room specially equipped for one girl and twenty customers. The aircon system will be regularly topped up with raw sewage and rotting cabbage to complete that special home from home experience. The lavatories have also been designed to add a touch of class… You know, some people think that bars having only male service staff is a bad thing, but it does have an upside as well. When was the last time one of them tried to hustle you for a drink? And remember, a stranger is just a bar girl you haven’t shagged yet. be seeing you monkeyman

Dropped by for the anniversary party last Friday. Good night.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and join us once more as we get to the stories behind the stories, and the stories in front of the stories as well. Chocks away. All hell broke loose and several shots were fired early the other Thursday morning when two groups of drunken Thais had a dust up in a local restaurant. Kicks, punches and tables were thrown, bottles were smashed over heads, it was a right mess. The police were finally called and arrived at the scene in an attempt to sort out the chaos. The two groups of men were finally separated, arrested, and given a stern warning that this was no way to sort out a dispute about who’d ordered the prawn balls. A local pawnshop owner was charged with car theft the weekend before last after being arrested for stealing a car he had pawned for a customer. In his defence, he said that times were hard and it took a lot of balls to run a pawn business these days, but the judge dismissed his plea, saying that it only took three. Now all the trees on Beach Road have been chopped down, why not invest in one of the new Monkeywatch Portable Trees? You can wheel it everywhere you go, thus guaranteeing yourself a permanent spot in the shade… There’s been a lot of debate about inflated barfines lately, with figures of 2500 baht and higher being quoted, and even larger sums being demanded for the ensuing horizontal shenanigans. Should a punter be stumping up this kind of cash? Well, why not? After all, it’s his money at the end of the day – but unfortunately, it’s hers by the next morning. Opinions have often been sought by newcomers to Fun City as to what manner of apparel is most likely to prove attractive to the fair sex, and a variety of views have been expressed on this subject. There seem to be a school of thought these days that it’s designer gear that does the business, though others tend toward the view that parading around with the name of an Italian poof stitched on your left tit might be sending out the wrong message. Two Iranians have been arrested after being caught stealing cash from local Money Exchange Booths. More “quality tourists”, eh? Still, maybe they had financial problems or some other issues that we couldn’t possibly know about so perhaps we should sympathise with them. And then shoot the bastards. The National Parks Department have announced that entrance fees to Thai national parks are to be raised by an eye watering 150 per cent from the beginning of October. The department said that the new fees were meant to act as a deterrent because the parks were getting too many tourists, which was causing damage to the environment. Reckon TAT may as well pack up and go home. Looks like Pattaya has decided to equip its traffic wardens with more appropriate headgear… Bar news for this month begins on Soi 15, where an old place is turning into a new place fronted by an old face. Toyz A Go Go has been rebranded as Private Dancer A Go Go, and is in the process of devouring the old Eazy Room A Go Go next door to make for a more fat fuck friendly bar. Smile Rock Girls A Go Go has closed, though it should be reopening after a long overdue refurb is completed. So bar news for this month also ends on Soi 15, as there’s bugger all going on anywhere else. It’s been reported that a Belgian chap died in his Pattaya home following a fall in the toilet. Guess he must have drowned. The coroner did say he was round the bend. If you want to know all there is to know about Thai birds, keep a look out for the for the new Monkeywatch publication “Fifty Shades Of Brown”, which should be available from all moderately disreputable book shops sometime in the next ten years. Pattaya hosted yet another celebrity last week when R2D2 made a flying visit… Drama was the order of the day in East Pattaya last week after a suicidal Thai bloke climbed an electricity pylon and balanced himself precariously on the top. Police were called and quickly cleared the area round the base of the pylon in case the man decided to toss himself off. An Indian quality tourist was attacked and robbed in East Pattaya last week after accepting a lift from a ladyboy on a motorbike. He was walking back to his hotel after eating at a food stall when he was approached by the ladyboy and taken to a secluded spot where he was attacked by three other men. He told police that his assailants robbed him of 1000 US dollars and a Blackberry phone. When asked why he was eating at food stalls and walking home when he had 1000 dollars in his pocket, he explained that he’d heard there was a lot of prejudice against Indians in Pattaya so he was pretending to be a Scotsman. A Russian woman broke both her legs after jumping from the balcony of a fifth floor condo following a row with her boyfriend. So it seems that the Russians are joining in with the local traditions after all. An official spokesman announced last week that a ban on alcohol in all Thai government offices was to be introduced with immediate effect. He then sang two choruses of Bohemian Rhapsody, got his dick out and threw up over the office cat. And remember, if you want to be a hit with the girls, just show them what you’re packing in your boxers. Women always like a man who can make ‘em laugh. be seeing you monkeyman

The greatest ever...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more ferreting around in the files of Fun City. The adventure begins. Pattaya officials have decided it’s high time that they upgraded the city’s disaster alert system, so they’ve decided to buy a louder whistle. And to alert the rural areas, every poultry farmer will be offered a bigger cock. Police raided a local house the other week and arrested the owner after finding 218,400 yabba pills on the premises. The man claimed that he wasn’t a drug dealer and had only bought the tablets because his wife had invited Ozzy Osbourne to dinner. Following the recent prolonged spells of very wet weather, scientists have warned that if climate change isn’t tackled urgently then this problem could occur every year. So they’re telling us that if we don’t stop the climate changing then the climate will stay the same. Yeah, okay. If you get the chance to visit Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens, make sure you don’t miss their outstanding display of fossilised rabbit shit… A holidaymaker was arrested earlier this month after a road rage attack on another tourist following a motoring incident in the city. Jedward Filkins, aged 42, admitted attacking 46-year-old Dudley Smallcock with a sawn-off mango, thus illegally engaging in work that could be done by a Thai. A Thai woman reported to the police last week that a man had sexually assaulted her in a bar some two days earlier. When asked why she hadn’t reported the incident earlier, she said she didn’t realise that she’d been assaulted until her bank told her the man’s banknotes were forgeries. Yet another tree cutting exercise has been undertaken on Beach Road to make it a nicer place for tourists. The supervisor in charge of the project said he hoped that the pruning work would decrease prostitution. An original solution, for sure. Perhaps he should take it further and see if he can reduce the city’s drugs problem with a bit of judicious hedge trimming. So where was the Pattaya Motor Show previously held then?… On to bar news, and not much in the way of comings and goings to report this month. Papagayo on Soi Diana has opened a Go Go next door to their current gaff, which they have imaginatively named Papa A Go Go. You’ll probably need a magnifying glass to find it though, such is the diminutive extent of its dimensions. We are talking small here. Not enough room to swing a mouse, let alone a pussy. Babydolls manager Ricky has moved on and been replaced with a new manager who isn’t called Ricky. This move is apparently designed to bring the bar into line with the other Go Gos in the area, all of which have managers who aren’t called Ricky. Police were called to a fairground on Third Road last Wednesday after a mass brawl broke out on the site. The organisers have said that this was a one-off incident and the fair is completely safe. We agree, the fair is completely safe. But the visitors are up shit creek. A watchdog group has urged authorities to take action against Pattaya businesses that are stealing electricity. Investigators say that they have already searched several premises but stolen electricity is notoriously difficult to locate, even with the help of sniffer dogs. “Are you sure you dropped it round here?”… A couple of ex-convicts were arrested in Jomtien last week after threatening police with a BB gun. One suspects that their ex-convict status might change fairly shortly. An old German bloke collapsed and died last week while reading a note from his long-time Thai girlfriend of two weeks. When questioned by police, the girl said she’d written the note in English but had confused the phrase “sorry for being late” with “my brothers are going to cut your balls off and stuff them in your mouth”. Finally, news has just come in from our Olympic reporter Colin Reptile that Thailand has won a bronze medal in the Freestyle Frog Trampling. Way to go, fellas. be seeing you monkeyman (thanx to Sa-teef for pic 2)

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to the latest batch of Bohemian banter from Giggle City. Up, up and away. Yet another Pattaya hotel has ejected a bunch of Indian tourists after they found eight of them sleeping in one small room. Do you remember a few years ago when Pattaya hatched a master plan to change its image by encouraging a new breed of “quality tourists”? Going well, isn’t it? Human remains have been found on a beach off the coast of Pattaya. Scientists are very excited by the discovery as this species was thought to have abandoned the area many years ago. Some new signs have been appearing around Pattaya lately. The red one means “No Russians”… Have you seen the new Eurozone Package Holidays to Pattaya? You fly First Class, stay in a seven star hotel, spend as long as you like getting pissed on vintage champagne and barfining the most expensive girls you can find, then you bugger off back home and send the bill to the Germans. A food vendor was attacked and robbed by two men the other evening while he was taking a piss up a wall. Let’s hope he prepares his food with the other hand. It’s been reported that NASA has cancelled its planned climate studies in Thailand. They must have been put off by the bad weather. In an attempt to cut down on the large number of items being stolen on a stretch of Beach Road, a new security camera has been installed… Bar news time, and there’s a new establishment opening soon on Soi Buakhao called Rehab A Go Go. That should strike a chord with a few of you. There’s also a new dance bar opening on LK Metro. Don’t know the name, but then you probably don’t give a shit anyway. Of more interest in that area is yet another new Go Go, this time in Soi Diana next to Papagayo. No name yet, but it should be up and running next month. Pattaya’s permanent secretary has been assured by police and social services that they’ve made great progress in helping homeless people to get off the city’s streets. They’ve thrown them all in jail. A Pattaya street cleaner found 800 yabba tablets last week while performing his regular municipal duties. When asked where he found the tablets, he replied “On the second moon of Jupiter”. For all you football fans, here’s a photo of Italian footballer Mario Balotelli after being given a warm welcome to Pattaya by local supporters… There was a little bit of drama on Second Road last week after power lines and cars were damaged by a falling rubber tree. Shit, if we’d known they grew on trees we wouldn’t have wasted all that money at the chemist. An Iranian tourist was arrested the Sunday before last in Royal Garden Plaza after being caught by security guards while trying to steal a model aircraft from one of the stores. A case of “Is that an Airbus A380 in your trousers or are you just pleased to see me?” Finally, it seems that free to air satellite viewers in Thailand may after all be able to receive the 2012 Olympic Games coverage after problem with rights issues were resolved. Viewers are said to be taking the threat seriously. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s squint at the goings on and comings off in Tottytown. Engage. There seems to be an increasing trend recently for Pattaya hotels to charge joiner fees for residents who have more than one guest in their room. Could be a ploy to squeeze extra money out of mongers, but it’s more likely an attempt to keep the number of Indian occupants per room down to single figures. A Thai bloke has been locked up after being accused of burgling a house and sexually assaulting the owners’ five-year-old dog. What a sicko. He should stick to dogs over 18 like any normal pervert. A woman has been arrested for murder and theft after drugging and robbing three blokes from Bangladesh, one of whom ended up taking a dirt nap. The woman apparently carried out the dastardly deed after agreeing to go back to the men’s hotel room for 800 baht, though she stressed that she wasn’t a prostitute. One can’t help but wonder what her definition of a prostitute actually is. Authorities investigating complaints from Indian tourists that condoms on sale in Pattaya are too large believe there may be a case to answer… A Frenchman from East Pattaya who had a row with his Thai wife is recovering in hospital after attempting suicide by swallowing weed killer. He’d have done better taking a trip down to Beach Road and drinking the seawater. Strangest story of the month has to be the British citizen who was arrested in Bangkok after half a dozen foetuses were found in his luggage. Suppose they’ll charge him with human trafficking now - it’s the one the British authorities usually use when they’re fitting somebody up. The Chinese ambassador has suggested that Pattaya should erect signs in Chinese to prevent visitors from his country being tricked, cheated and robbed. A Pattaya official observed that if Chinese tourists couldn’t be ripped off there really wasn’t any point in having them in the city in the first place. Pattaya had the privilege last week of playing host to an air display by the Greek Air Force… Bar news now, and we begin with the closure of that grand old Pattaya institution Carousel A Go Go, rumoured to have been a favourite haunt of Methuselah in his mongering days. May it rest in peace (but not for too long). Club Relaxxx has opened yet again – they must be using the Sakura Club 69 business model. Gentlemen’s Club on Soi Diamond has adopted the curious practice of being a coyote bar and a go go bar on alternate nights. Don’t yet know whether this is a new business idea or just a temporary measure to see which of the two draws in the most punters (probably the latter). And the long empty Illusion Club on Soi 14 looks set to reopen as the builders are in and the place is gutted – just like the previous owners, presumably. Following the suspended jail term imposed on a Thai webmaster for remarks posted on her site by someone else, local authorities have announced that in future all shoplifting charges will be brought against the owners of the shops instead of the thieves. Pattaya police arrested six “tour guides” last week after they were caught “persuading tourists to watch sex shows” on Walking Street. Bet they needed hell of a lot of persuading. Always read the small print before buying a 16 cylinder car in Pattaya… It’s been reported that more Swedish companies are to invest in Thailand. Nothing to do with Swedish anti-sex laws, obviously. A Bangkok taxi driver was arrested last week for raping a female passenger in his cab. The man, who had just been released from prison after serving a five-year sentence for another rape, claimed that he did it because the woman was wearing shorts. Not a classic defence really. Residents of a local village have complained to the authorities about lorries that drive past their houses more than 50 times per day. They should try living on a baht bus route. Of course, there aren’t any girls left in Pattaya at the moment as they’ve all been trafficked to the Euro 2012 footy tournament. You know, just like the 2006 World Cup in Germany when the media and authorities informed us that 40,000 girls had been trafficked into the country for the event. The police found five. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our 6th Anniversary Edition already. Still, as they say, time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana. Let’s get on. Local police have blamed their failure to maintain public order over the Songkran period on the fact that they ran out of ammunition. Someone must have turned off the police station’s water supply. They got their own back last Monday night though, with a total shutdown of Soi 6 for license inspections and piss tests. The bars got a clean bill of health for the licenses but the employees didn’t fare quite so well, with 60 of them failing the drug test. Does this mean that until they can pass the test they aren’t allowed to take drugs without supervision from a qualified smackhead? It’s been reported on a local news site that a Korean tourist is suspected of being drugged and robbed in South Pattaya. So the suspect is also the victim? Sounds like an interesting legal situation. No doubt he’ll be given a stiff sentence if found guilty. The body of an Indian man was found in a potato field near Pattaya the other week. Suppose it’s cheaper than using fertilizer. You can’t be too careful when it comes to UV rays… A strange tale emerged a few weeks ago of a Thai man who committed suicide after becoming depressed because his previous suicide attempt had failed. Lucky the second attempt was successful or he’d have been really pissed off. A Thai lad shot three people, including a falang, on Soi 8 during Songkran after somebody upset him a bit. This’ll take some explaining away by the Tourist Authority. Family friendly resort my big spotty arse. Local residents have been complaining about a large hole that has appeared in South Pattaya Road and is apparently still increasing in size and depth. They say it’s about time that officials got to the bottom of it, at which point the locals will presumably fill it in themselves. This is Pattaya’s answer to Stonehenge. God only knows what the question was… A bit of bar news this month. Club Relaxxx on Soi Covent Garden appears to have reduced its opening hours to nil. Sabai Land has also closed, but only for some major renovations, and will be reappearing in the not too distant future. The old Hooty’s on Walking Street is to be relaunched as Roxy 2, and will start its new life as a coyote bar. Gentlemen’s Club on Soi Diamond has also reopened, though first reports indicate it was more fun when it was closed. And Soi LK Metro has a new offering in the shape of Queen’s Club A Go Go. Word is that it has the same owners as Iron Club on Walking Street. Wonder what names they’ll come up with for their next bars? Brown Hatters A Go Go? Uphill Gardeners Club? A drug control officer was arrested last week after going on a rampage and shooting spree in a Pattaya hospital. The man, who witnesses described as being ‘completely out of his tree’, was seen raving, shouting incoherently and waving his weapon around (must have thought he was in a Go Go). Police are continuing to question the man as they suspect his particular method of drug control may be straying a little outside official guidelines. The government has stated that there will be no ‘megafloods’ in Thailand this year, and that foreign businessmen can now be much more confident investing in the country. Particularly if they invest in snorkels or canoes, presumably. This Pattaya official said he spotted no flooding problems at all during his drive down Beach Road… The Thai workforce need to learn to speak better English, according to a local official during a speech to local businessmen. Or as he put it, “Collect yooz of de Ingrish rangwitch iss velly importann”. He may have a point, actually. We still remember the gonorrhoea epidemic scare on Soi Pattayaland 2 after someone thought they heard a bar girl saying the street was a “road of clap”. This year’s Pattaya International Music And Traffic Jam Festival was reckoned by many to be lacking in atmosphere compared to previous events. One attendee was heard to complain that he’d only seen two punch-ups and no shootings at all. Guess music just ain’t what it used to be. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our latest rummage in the Pattaya closet. Who knows what germs we’ll find? Or should that be gems? No, germs it is. On with the show. Thailand has apparently become very popular with Indians looking for cheap TVs. Well, they’ll find plenty in Pattaya if they hang around Beach Road in the small hours. It seems that Pattaya has some competition in the tourist mortality stakes after a Russian bloke was electrocuted in the swimming pool of the five star Dewa Resort in Phuket. He met his demise after grabbing hold of a metal bridge with a faulty lighting circuit. Very unusual story, that – a Russian in a five star hotel. Immigration delays at Bangkok have got so bad that arriving tourists are now being advised to head straight for the departures lounge to wait for their flight home. If things get any worse, the plan is to send the arriving planes back home before they even land so tourists will be able to avoid all that tedious queuing and have a stress-free holiday. It’s rumoured that Lord Baden-Powell sat in this very spot to write his famous tome “Scouting for Buoys”... A “Chinese Goddess Of Compassion” was arrested the other weekend after being accused of nicking a girl’s iPod. The goddess, who looked surprisingly like a katoey in clown makeup, claimed that the theft was a compassionate act as the now iPodless girl would find greater spiritual enlightenment by using her time for things like knitting or basket weaving. However, the general consensus was that the goddess would find greater spiritual enlightenment if she was taken behind the police station and given a bloody good hiding. An Indian restaurant in South Pattaya was burned to the ground last week after a fire started inside its kitchen. The blaze was found to have been caused by a fault in the new fire alarm system that the owner had installed after being told by the authorities that his premises weren’t safe enough. The new traffic lights in Pattaya are coming under increased criticism, as drivers just aren’t bothering to stop at them. Some say that an altogether better idea would be to go back to the old system of just having no lights at all for drivers to not stop at. Looks like Pattaya’s green transport initiative is in full swing… Bar news now, and both Guugle and Baron Club have returned after a brief absence, the former with a bit more on show and the latter with a lot less. Gentlemen’s Club on Soi Diamond will also be reopening shortly under new management. There’s an imminent new arrival in the shape of New York New York, a coyote bar that’s opening on the site of Coyotee’s, which wasn’t a coyote bar. Glad we’ve finally straightened that out. And Eazy A Go Go has gone dark again. With their level of custom, they probably couldn’t afford to put any money in the meter. It’s been suggested that the demise of a tourist in his hotel room last week may have been due to his taking Viagra, though as the body wasn’t found for many hours he was pretty stiff anyway. The man, who was thought to be from the UK, has been named by police as Finbar Clapper (that name rings a bell). There’s been another red shirt rally in Pattaya, though looking at the football teams most of them support they probably don’t have any yellow shirts. Here we have a rare example of an effigy of the ancient Trouser Snake. Legend has it that any bar girl sighting the beast will become richer overnight… A man is being sought by police after attempting to take an up-skirt photo of a girl in a convenience store in Central Pattaya last Thursday. Perhaps he was just looking up old friends. A strange ceremony took place last week when a man held a full Buddhist funeral for his dead cow. Four monks conducted the service and then acted as bearers (or should that be steakholders?) Three Thai men were arrested by Banglamung police last Thursday after they stole a gold necklace from a girl in Soi Kao Ta Low. Christ on a bike, how many Thais does it take to steal one bloody necklace? And remember the old saying about a fool and his money. They both come to Pattaya but only one of them goes home. be seeing you monkeyman

"Night entertainment venues will be asked to suspend their businesses" I rather suspect they'll be a little more insistent than that.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the latest gaggle of gossip and goings on from Fun Central. Here’s the stuff. A Norwegian fellow went to the police after his Thai girlfriend broke into his room safe and helped herself to 25,000 baht, his laptop and his credit cards while he was asleep. The man was said to be shocked at the theft as the couple had been in a committed relationship for nearly two days. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to spend 140 million baht on beautification of its beach, and that the first stage of this wondrous transformation will be to build an extra traffic lane onto Beach Road. The second stage will presumably be to build a sea wall out of dog turds. In an attempt to improve Pattaya’s drainage systems, the council has purchased some new devices to monitor the flow of the city’s effluent. The machine below, for example, incorporates dials that are designed display the flow of urine. The company who supplied them said they’d targeted Pattaya after hearing that it was a very popular place for pee flow dials… An Israeli man who was chased and caught by police after running off with a pair of Nike trainers from Big C is now threatening to sue the store for selling counterfeit goods, as he reckoned that if the shoes had been genuine the police wouldn’t have been able to catch him. A new water treatment plant is to be built which it is claimed will supply Pattaya with enough water for the next 20 years – as longer as people don’t anything wasteful with it like showering or drinking. It has been announced that stricter disciplinary measures are to be introduced for baht bus drivers, though they won’t be implemented for another four or five months, presumably to give the girls at The Castle time to restock with whips and chains. ‘Innovative’ is probably the politest way of describing this masterpiece of Thai plumbing… Time for bar news, and Go Go mania seems to have gripped Soi LK Metro with the imminent arrival of no less than four new Go Go’s. Silver Star on Walking Street has reopened following its ‘renovations’, as has Spanky’s on Soi Diamond. And Coyotee’s A Go Go, which was a Go Go that didn’t have any coyotes, is rumoured to be reopening as a new bar that isn’t a Go Go that will have coyotes, though another rumour says that it will be a Go Go which may or may not have coyotes. Either way, it won’t be called Coyotee’s – or it will. The local constabulary have been keeping a watchful eye on Middle Eastern visitors since that Iranian bloke in Bangkok tried to go out with a bang and ended up legless, as they fear this sort of behaviour may be repeated in Pattaya. Some might say that it already has. New evidence has been uncovered that suggests Thailand may have provided the inspiration for Elmer Fudd… A recent sex education exam in Thailand asked students “What should you do if you have a sexual urge?” The answer to this little teaser was given as “Call friends to go play football”. Well at least it explains why their national team are such a bunch of wankers. Rumours that some Pattaya newspapers will shortly only be available online has enraged the local owner of a British style fish and chip shop who complained “Have you ever tried wrapping fish and chips in a iPad?” be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for pic 2)

That's my life fucked then.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s salacious spread of seedy sensationalism. But enough of this tabloid fever, here’s the stuff. Investigations are currently being made into illegal tour companies in Pattaya, with particular emphasis on those run by foreigners, as there is apparently concern that foreign criminal gangs may be involved in these businesses. Criminal gangs? Wonder what they’ve been up to? Sightseeing with menaces? Armed photography? Elephant trekking with intent? The raiding season is in full swing with dozens of bars falling under the scrutiny of the Boys From The Brownstuff. Just the usual shit - underage drinks, drugs without a work permit, unlicensed urine, topless ID cards, you know the sort of thing. Perhaps they should consider burning a few witches for a bit of variety. They shouldn’t have much trouble finding some. A new hotel group is offering Indian tourists luxury air-conditioned rooms at bargain rates… It’s been reported that more than a hundred tourists are trapped in Pattaya following the collapse of a tour company in Russia. Christ, it must have been a bloody tall building to fall that far. A man from Rayong was arrested last week and charged with being a police impersonator and sex abuser, though it is unclear at present whether this is one charge or two. Speaking of abuse, it’s been reported that solvent abuse is on the increase in Thailand. Just be careful you don’t get your dick stuck in the bottle. The discovery of an old urine sample at a Police Station finally proves that Pattaya was once visited by Oliver Reed… Bar news this month begins with the welcome return of U-Too Bar, the new version of which is located on Drinking Street at the top end of Second Road. There’s a new Go Go bar just opened on Walking Street in the shape of Lighthouse A Go Go, and a new coyote bar called Guugle. Might be worth a luuk. And if that wasn’t enough, yet another Go Go is under construction on the site of the ill-fated Pleasure Dome. Not to be outdone, Soi LK Metro also has two new bars in the pipeline, a coyote bar that will be called Destiny and a Go Go bar that won’t. Even Eazy A Go Go on Soi 15 has opened again (though it’ll probably be closed again by the time you read this). The only casualty of the month appears to be Baby Boom A Go Go off Soi Buakhao. It’s still open but not recommended if you don’t want to get more than you bargained for in the downstairs department, so to speak. A German who went to retrieve the boat he had left on Pattaya Beach got a bit of a shock when he returned to the spot and found that his status as a boat owner had been revised to that of a former boat owner. The craft was eventually recovered, but he was advised to find a safer place to leave it in future. He’d left it opposite the Police Station. Some new beer bars are being offered for sale on Beach Road, though they do need one or two finishing touches… Ministry officials have been checking boy bars in South Pattaya for the usual range of offences, though it’s been suggested that one or two officials may have been checking certain boys just that little bit too often. A spokesman for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not has denied rumours that their Pattaya branch was planning to stage an exhibition of Robin Gibb’s surplus intestines. Finally, an illegal Korean call centre has been closed down and 13 arrests made following a police raid in Naklua. So that’ll be another British bank without a help line then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and welcome to another year of life in the Land of Silly Grins. Well, it wasn’t exactly a white Christmas in Patts but, with temperatures plummeting into the low teens early on Christmas Day, it was certainly a great time for shops with stocks of winter apparel. Coats were absolutely flying off the racks and, as the girls were so cold, there were plenty of places to hang them up. In the wee hours of Saturday morning the other week, a gunman fired seven shots at a coach returning to Pattaya from the airport. Or was it only six? You just gotta ask yourself one question… An accident between two motorcycles on Pratamnuk Road early on Thursday morning has been blamed on ‘poor driving skills’. No shit, Sherlock. Actually, I think we’d prefer the taste of food… A fat bloke fell off his stool and died in a Pattaya bar last Tuesday after getting pissed as a rat. The bar was holding its weekly talent contest at the time and he won first prize for his startlingly accurate impression of Oliver Reed. The spate of arrests on Beach Road in the early hours produced an interesting statistic last week when three nightly raids on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday netted 58, 57 and 58 miscreants. Guess one of them must have the day off on Thursdays. Who says Pattaya tourists don’t have a pot to piss in? … Bar news next, and quite a bit has being going on recently. We’ll start with Eazy A Go Go on Soi 15, which has opened and closed so many times in the last week that passers by must have thought they’d installed a neon sign outside. It’s currently closed, as is Baby Boom on Soi Buakhao. Hot and Cold has moved premises, though you probably wouldn’t notice if you were pissed as they’ve only moved a couple of doors up the road. The old TQ2 on Soi BJ has been reborn as Bada Bing A Go Go, and the former Climax A Go Go on Soi 15 has become the new home of Toyz A Go Go. Spanky’s has opened its Pattaya premises on Soi Diamond, and X-Zone once again has some company in the Soi Covent Garden complex with the reopening of Club Relaxxx downstairs. Soi LK Metro also has a new kid on the block with the opening of Paradise A Go Go. Happy days are here again? Be careful what you say in Pattaya. There’s a rumour going round that a bloke shouted “Cheap Charlie!” at one of his mates and got arrested on suspicion of dealing cut-price drugs. To appease non-smokers, some bars are taking steps to improve ventilation… ‘Let there be light’ will soon be the order of the day as Pattaya is currently installing 129 new dolphin-topped light poles, as well as adding dolphin motifs to many of the existing light fitments in the city. The man in charge of these erections, Saucepan Punkawalla (well that’s what it sounded like), said that these new dolphin mascots will improve Pattaya’s image with tourists. This is what’s popularly known as decorating the bedrooms while the downstairs is on fire. The raiding season has begun with Carousel A Go Go being the latest victim. Well, as befits a bar with that name, what goes around comes around. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to have public toilets installed along the beachfront. So who tipped them off that George Michael was planning a visit then? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Christmas edition, bringing with it a message of peace on earth and goodwill to all men – except Russians, obviously. Right, off we go. A petrol pump attendant was apprehended by police last Friday night after being caught spying on a woman while she was using the toilet at a petrol station in Jomtien. It’s been pointed out that female cleaners in Thailand do this all the time in men’s toilets, though to be fair they don’t normally climb up the side of the cubicle and look over the top as in this case. There was a bit of an altercation at a Central Pattaya restaurant on Wednesday when three men verbally abused the owner and then assaulted him. The reason for the attack remains unclear, though a witness said that one of the men had visited the restaurant the previous week and complained about his meal, at which point the Customer Services Manager had hit him in the face with a frozen chicken. Chinese tourists are noted for their insatiable curiosity. Here we see a group of them being shown a piece of dog excrement by their tour guide… The increasing numbers of first time visitors to Thailand seem to have spawned a new breed of character, ‘the guru’. This chappie brings a bunch of wide-eyed noobs to Pattaya so he can enlighten them with the all-seeing, all-knowing wisdom he acquired from his one and only visit the previous year. They gather round him and listen with awe and reverence as he regales them with tales of places he discovered called Go Go Bars, where girls have been known to flash a nipple and will accompany you to your room for up to five minutes and only want 10,000 baht for the privilege. He tells them of baht buses that will transport you back to your hotel for only 100 baht, of kindly locals carrying little cards who will escort you to all the best bars in town for a very reasonable fee, and of tall leggy girls with big hands who know their way round a man’s body as if it were their own. And the next year the noobs all end up back in Benidorm. Ever-vigilant narcotics officers arrested a Nigerian national last Sunday for selling class 1 drugs. The man confessed to the crime but said he was offended by the racist description of him on the charge sheet, adding that anyway his name wasn’t Ian. Remember the LCD electronic touch screen tourist information kiosks that made a brief appearance in Pattaya before being scrapped? Well, the upgraded version is finally with us, bearing a remarkable resemblance to a big sheet of paper… Bars news now, and we start with the opening of the new super sized Sapphire Club on Soi 15. It’s all very swish, but first reports indicate that it isn’t only the premises that have been inflated. Club Relaxxx has closed, leaving X-Zone as the only bar still open in the two-storey Covent Garden complex. One of the old names from this complex may be reappearing though, with the rumour that the recently closed Climax A Go Go will reopen shortly bearing the name of Catz. And Silver Star A Go Go on Soi 8 has rejoined its two sequels by opening its doors again. Like films, you can’t beat the original. There was a weird occurrence early on Monday morning when a woman was observed standing on Sukhumvit Road apparently fixated by a street light. She was eventually taken to hospital and examined by doctors who concluded she had been taking narcotics. Crystal moth, presumably. Quality of construction has always been of paramount importance when building hotels in Pattaya… You know, Pattaya just doesn’t seem to have the same number of characters as it did in days gone by. Gone are the times when you could stroll around the bars any night of the week and see the likes of The Syrup, Nerdyboy, Perry Comb-over, Ferret, The Plank – the list goes on and on. Star of the bunch was undoubtedly Crazy Nobby. Must have been 70 years old if he was a day. Several times a week he’d stagger into Catz A Go Go pissed as a fart, throw all his cash into the air until he was buried under a pile of girls, get up for a quick session on the chrome poles then get hurled out into the street to give him time to come back down to Planet Earth so he could do it all again the next night. Some might say he was living the afterlife without being dead. Others might not. A Thai fellow was arrested last week after he snatched a gold necklace from the neck of a Korean chap in a petrol station in South Pattaya. The man confessed to the crime, but claimed that the police gave him the idea the last time he was arrested for a similar offence by suggesting he should consider a new Korea move. And finally, a cross dresser was nabbed by police after stealing a flood donation box from a convenience store a couple of weeks ago. So now he’s a very cross dresser. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another damp edition of life in the Land Of Sponges. Well, floods are once again news in Pattaya, not because there are any, but because of the arrival of stampeding hordes from Bangkok who've fled to Fun City in an attempt to avoid getting their backsides moistened. Several evacuation centres have been set up in the area, though there are reports that many people have been turned away as they were deemed to be "not wet enough". An Englishman was involved in what was described as "a battle with three transsexuals" on Pattaya Beach the Saturday before last. The British Consular Attaché, Drifford Bone, said "We may have to reconsider our position of promoting Pattaya as a family resort". Good advertising is essential if you want your product to sell really well… A Russian couple were robbed by a gun toting Thai chappie on Monday while returning to their hotel near Pratamnuk Road after a Halloween celebration. When asked why he stood by while his wife made a lunge at the attacker's gun, the man replied "It was dark and she thought it was his penis". It seems that bottled water is in short supply in Pattaya at the moment. Still, who cares? Water was always overrated as a drink anyway. There's an appeal going on in Pattaya at the moment where people are being asked to donate rice. Donate rice? In Thailand? Christ, they'll be asking us bring our own girls next. Fun City does of course have its own versions of The Seven Wonders Of The World. Here we see The Hanging Wires Of Pattaya… A few bits of bar news to report this month. Mirage a Go Go came and went with a rapidity that put even Sakura Club 69 to shame, though it's now reopened with the new name of Baron A Go Go and a certain well known mamasan who's had more clubs than Tiger Woods. Dream A Go Go, that was formerly Catz A Go Go and Toyz A Go Go is now Closed A Go Go. X-Zyte has now been completely demolished and the site is rumoured to be earmarked for a new IT complex to rival Tukcom. Bet the boys in brown are planning their first raid already. The late unlamented Goodfellas is to reopen shortly, allegedly as a Go Go, and for those familiar with Spanky's in Nana plaza, Pattaya is to have it's very own establishment of the same name on the site of the old Limmatquai 80 ladyboy poofs club on Soi Diamond. There was a bit of a panic last weekend when it was reported that a tornado had been spotted in Pattaya Bay shooting wind and water 400 metres into the air. Fortunately, it turned out to have been caused by a German tourist who'd gone for a swim after a night on the beer. Well, at least they won't go hungry when they're on duty… A French couple are reported to have had a 100,000 baht fire at their home in East Pattaya. So some people really do have money to burn. Pattaya has donated 50 boats to flood victims in Pathum Thani. Well, if any of them are jet skis they'd better be careful not to scratch them. Finally, we spotted a story on a local website that Pattaya City Council has decided to get rid of all the baht buses because of the number of complaints from tourists. The story was dated 12 August 1993. be seeing you monkeyman

Apparently not.

If you go onto Soi 1 from Sabai Wing using the left gate there's an Indian restaurant right in front of you. The condo block is being built immediately to the left of this and is very close to Sabai Wing. This is a photo of the site taken from Sabai Wing. The roof of the Indian restaurant can been seen in the bottom right of the picture.

There's a big noise problem on Soi 1 at the moment being caused by the construction of a new condo block next to the Indian restaurant. The Soi 1 side of Sabai Wing is best avoided for the duration.

Note the use of the two magic mediaspeak words which confirm that this story is complete and utter bollocks.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's moistened edition of Fun City Tales. Well, Pattaya now has its own reason to remember 9/11, as it was on this very date that the city disappeared under a deluge of biblical proportions following 16 hours of torrential rain. Shops, clubs and cars were flooded out, motorcycles were washed away, and dead dogs were floating by in packs. Indeed, the water was so deep that I got my dong wet - and I'm not talking about Vietnamese currency here. Fortunately, by the following afternoon there were only a few small puddles left… We also saw the introduction of some new baht buses… On the upside, at least the floods washed away the remains of the tsunami of raw sewage that had swept through Walking Street just the previous day following a leak caused by yet another pipework problem. World class tourist resort eh? And if that wasn't enough, the crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you're wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic. The owner of Pattaya Floating Market has finally found his boat that went missing five years ago. So how do you lose a boat? I guess you're walking along the street, your mind on other things, then suddenly realise your boat's gone. Yeah, that'd be it. This taxi driver has the worst accident record in Pattaya. Can't imagine why… Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht's worth of counterfeit goods. You've got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount. Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber's shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it's probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber's shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut. WTF is going on in Pattaya these days? The last time I went into the Blues Factory they were showing showjumping videos, and when I looked in Alcatraz A Go Go the girls were wearing more than you'd expect to see in the average coyote bar. Actually, I nearly wasn't allowed into Alcatraz as the guy on the door initially got it into his head that I was an Indian. Guess he must have had a cold. Due to traffic congestion on Beach Road, some property owners have put up signs advising tour bus drivers not to allow their passengers to disembark in certain areas… Time for bar news, and the end of an era has arrived with the closure of TQ2, the ancient bar which is reportedly documented in the Old Testament as having being visited by Noah for a quick short time when his Ark was moored in Walking Street following the first recorded floods in Pattaya. Rumour is it's going to reopen as a coyote bar. The demolition of Soi 2 bars continues, with Party Bar added to the list of casualties and Lek's Classroom Bar, Toy Bar, Pacific Bar and Monkey Bar (how dare they) due to be flattened in the next few weeks. Sapphire A Go Go has closed for renovations and should be reopening next month in a somewhat enlarged form, and Club Mirage on Soi Diamond has made a surprise comeback after a lengthy absence. There's also been an unusual development on Walking Street with the opening of City Man Club, which allegedly isn't a gay club as one might have imagined but is in fact a bar for ladies to go and be entertained by Thai..er..gentlemen. Well, if it succeeds in such a high profile location it should at least take some of the wind out of the feminazi's bloomers. What's sauce for the goose eh, slappers? There's a German tramp wandering the streets of Patts at the moment, and the police have apparently decided that they don't want to arrest him because he's too filthy and smelly for either the police station or the monkey house. No doubt there's a few groups wandering around Pattaya at present who'll view this news with more than a little interest. Actually, there's been a lot of comment about the new brand of tourist visiting Pattaya of late, much of it somewhat less than complimentary. There is, however, a positive side to this. Just think how much more desirable your average Joe Monger must now seem to the girls compared to this army of filthy cheap ignorant stinking pigs (no offence intended) that are infesting so many bars these days. It's almost a shame that the way things are going they'll probably all be banned from every Go Go in Pattaya by Christmas. be seeing you monkeyman