monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome our latest peek through the keyhole of Sauce City. The Pattaya pantomime season is in full swing with the news that the latest police crackdown is targeting elephant farms. Police who carried out a raid on one such establishment discovered that one of the elephants working there had false ID papers. The animal was allegedly 47 years old but the ID documentation indicated that it was in fact less than 20 years old. The owner was arrested and charged with employing an underage elephant by the Child, Women and Elephant Protection Unit. The BBC refused to comment. A young Pattaya restaurant chef had to be restrained by rescuers after he tried to end it all by jumping off a footbridge after having a row with his girlfriend. He was taken to hospital where a doctor said they were convinced it was not a serious suicide attempt as there were much more effective ways of doing this, like eating a plate of his own cooking washed down with a glass of Pattaya seawater. Have you ever noticed that when the girls speak in Thai they often say what sounds like “wanker” at the end of a sentence. Much the same as when they speak in English if they’re talking about farang men. When visiting Pattaya, be sure to visit the shrine dedicated to the great God ‘Lego’… Two people were arrested by the Child and Women Protection Unit (what, no elephants?) a couple of weeks ago for selling balloons full of nitrous oxide under the name of “Funny Air” from a stand on Walking Street. The officers apparently decided that as people were inhaling the gas, this activity was illegal and equivalent to selling hard drugs. The casual observer might be tempted to make a few observations at this point, such as “It’s perfectly legal”, “It’s got nothing to do with drugs”, “Why didn’t you arrest the owners of the four other stands on Walking Street selling the same stuff” and “What the fuck does it have to do with the Child and Women Protection Unit anyway?” One can’t help but speculate that this lot have been inhaling something rather stronger than Funny Air. Fire crews were summoned to Walking Street the other Friday night after a fire broke out in a Turkish restaurant. The cause of the fire has yet to be established, though the Pattaya Good Food Guide is believed to be high on the list of suspects. A German quality tourist was arrested the other weekend and charged with impersonating a Thai police officer, possessing child pornography and sexually assaulting minors. The man’s lawyer said his client regretted his actions and realised the disgust and revulsion people would feel and the shame it would bring on his family when people discovered he’d pretended to be in the police. Perhaps someone should have told him that if you’re going to commit sex offences you should do it in Britain as the police there wait 40 years before they arrest you. And anyway, how the bloody hell can a German impersonate a Thai police officer? Pattaya shopping mall staff prepare themselves to welcome the latest batch of quality tourists… Bar news now, and the usual crop of comings and goings continues unabated. FLB Bar, which had been due to close at the end of August, will now be staying open for a little while longer, so drop in if you’re passing by. It might be your last chance before it gets turned into a skanky Russian clip joint (or whatever). Funhouse A Go Go has finally opened on Soi LK Metro, just in time for Champagne A Go Go to close for a major refurb. Bada Bing A Go Go on Soi BJ is about to be reborn as Wildcats A Go Go. And Lolitas has relocated to Soi Chayaphun. That’ll come as a bit of a blow to some (and a lot of a blow to others). A ferry had to be evacuated near Koh Larn last week after the engine caught fire. Those on board were transferred to speedboats and taken back to the mainland while the blaze was tackled by firefighters. The ferry was apparently taking tourists on a sightseeing trip to look at the spot where the last one sank. Pattaya has been officially declared Mafia free by a senior police chief who went on to say that tourists can be reassured that the city is perfectly safe. He then sang three choruses of “Knees Up Mother Brown” and was sick in a bucket. And the winner of this month’s “Dress Like A Cunt” competition is… Police are investigating reports that a copyright team assaulted a chap in an internet shop. It seems they went to the man’s shop and seized his computers, then one of team poked him with a stick. The man showed CCTV of the incident to the police, who ordered that the equipment be returned and added, “We take allegations of this sort very seriously. A man should be able to go about his lawful business without being poked with a stick. The Duchess of Cornwall didn’t stand for it and neither will we.” Prince Charles was too drunk to comment following a night on the piss with his dad. There was a bit of an embarrassing incident for the boys in brown last week when a woman prisoner escaped from Pattaya Police Station after being allowed to go to the toilet without supervision. She apparently climbed through the toilet window and legged it across the rooftops. It’s unclear why the woman was arrested in the first place, though it’s rumoured that she was about to be charged with making indecent images of Rolf Harris. Finally, we’ve been assured there’s no truth to the rumour that the UN chemical weapons inspectors checked out Pattaya’s beer stocks on their way to Syria. They did it on their way back. be seeing you monkeyman

Makes a change from sex abuse. The BBC rarely talk about anything else.

The non-thinking man's crumpet.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the latest tall tales from Thailand’s top titillation trap. Following the arrest of some foreign tourists during bar raids for not carrying their passports on their person, holidaymakers are being advised to check there are no police around before getting out of swimming pools. Swimming in the sea may not be the solution either, as there have also been reports of police carrying out covert surveillance in submarines. Heard a story the other day about a chap who picked a girl up in a bar. She spent the whole evening being sulky, not speaking to him and spending all his money. When they got back to his room she laughed at his dick and refused to have sex with him. Just goes to show that blokes who say you can’t get a girlfriend experience in Pattaya any more don’t know what the bloody hell they’re talking about. A local grocery shop owner has been arrested after being accused of selling drugs to teenagers and bar workers. This has caused a great deal of outrage in the local community, particularly with drug dealers, one of whom said “If that fecker can sell drugs, we’re gonna start pushing fresh fruit and veg. And in his case, we know exactly where we’re gonna push it”. Following the success of the Bangkok fried chicken takeaway called ‘Hitler’, it’s been rumoured that the owner has decided to expand his franchise into Pattaya. So if you’re feeling a bit peckish in the near future, keep an eye out for ‘Kentucky Fried Himmler’, ‘Hess-U-Like’ and ‘Dunkin’ Goebbels’. Wonder if they’ll get many German customers? When asked why he’d chosen Hitler to promote his establishments, the owner, Benton Proud (pictured below) said, “I just thought he was a really good looking bloke”… Three Thai youths were arrested in South Pattaya the other week after being caught trying to steal petrol from a motorcycle. Also arrested was a girl from a blowjob bar who the youths said they’d brought along to siphon the petrol from the tank. Police decided to let them off with a caution after the girl demonstrated her technique to the arresting officers. Three Indian quality tourists fell for the old ‘katoey under the bed’ scam the other Monday morning after each of them was approached and promised a cheap massage by three tarts on Beach Road (always a good place to meet a better class of person). In every incident, the hapless currymonger was taken to a room where he was invited to strip off and leave his clothes on the floor next to the bed. The massage duly began, at which point a ladyboy cunningly concealed under the bed proceeded to pilfer money from his trousers. Two of the men subsequently complained to the police, who went to the room and arrested the miscreants. The organiser of the thefts said the scam was devised because none of the girls were prepared to put a hand in the man’s trousers while he was actually wearing them. She added that it was also payback for the ‘Indians under the bed’ scam that some of the girls had encountered after accompanying an allegedly solo punter back to his room. A bunch of Chinese tourists wandered into Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday to complain that the hotel their tour company had booked them into didn’t meet the 5-star rating that they’d paid for. Police checked out the place and told them to bugger off as was definitely up to 5-star standard – in Ethiopia. Bloody Chinese. Always moaning. Plenty of room for 30 of them in there,,, Bar news time now, and the headline story has got to be the reported closure of X-Zone. Well no, actually it hasn’t, because a report a couple of hours later said it was open again. The month has seen the opening of yet more new Go Go Bars. Crystal A Go Go and Bachelor A Go Go have both opened on Soi LK Metro and have been joined by Dream Club A Go Go on Soi Diamond. Punters have been bemoaning the lack of naughty bits on display in these bars, though there have been reports that this may change in some cases. Glass House A Go Go and Bada Bing A Go Go both closed, but the former has already reopened and the latter is expected to do so shortly. Following an extensive survey, the BBC has published a list of the world’s most corrupt countries based on the number of bribes paid to public officials. And the winner was…no, you’re wrong, it was Sierra Leone. Thailand finished in a miserable 56th place, prompting an official to announce, “This is an outrage. The people conducting this survey were clearly bribed”. A BBC representative said they were also surprised by the result, as they normally expected the front-runner in any given year to be the country hosting the Eurovision Song Contest. A Swedish chappie ended it all in his North Pattaya apartment after phoning police to tell them he was going to do that very thing. They broke into his room and found him with a plastic bag over his head secured tightly round his neck. A neighbour said she didn’t know a lot about him but he liked to walk around Pattaya with no shoes on as he reckoned it was good for his body. The story would, however, suggest that his ideas of what was good for his body might have been a tad inaccurate. Wouldn’t like to meet the owner of this Zimmer frame… A weird little story emerged a couple of weeks ago about a Thai man who was arrested by police after falling asleep while he was burgling a house. Well, that should be a wake up call for him. Police also closed down a nose surgery after it turned out that the surgeon qualified to do the surgery didn’t actually do any surgery, but a bloke who wasn’t qualified to do surgery did all the surgery. The closure was prompted by a dissatisfied customer who had asked for a nose like a Rembrandt but ended up looking more like a Picasso. Finally, a pickup truck crashed into the front of a Jomtien restaurant the other Monday after one of the tyres blew out. Didn’t realise you could get Pirelli tyres in Thailand. Doubt if their condoms are a best seller either. be seeing you monkeyman

Oh, you are awful..... but I like you.

Methinks they get fined if they haven't shaved.

I guess they do.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s dive into the delights of destination debauchery. Game on. Police were called to South Pattaya a few Saturdays ago after a woman complained that a man had been filming her in a public toilet cubicle through a vent in one of the walls. The man ran off when she spotted him but the silly bugger left his work shirt behind, which identified him as an employee of a Walking Street Go Go Bar. When the police turned up at the bar and arrested him, the man said he’d committed the offence as he rarely got to see naked women as his girlfriend had left him and of course, as everyone knows, nudity isn’t allowed in Go Go Bars. A body of a shoe-shiner who’d had his head bashed in was found up by Tesco-Lotus the other Monday. A witness said he’d seen the deceased having an argument with a man the previous day. The man was apparently furious that the shoe-shiner had begun polishing away without even asking first - and without noticing that the man was wearing flip flops. Police are investigating. Now Thailand’s plans to host a Formula One Grand Prix in Bangkok have been well and truly knocked on the head by city officials, perhaps Pattaya should make a bid for the event. Formula One is of course enjoying a resurgence of interest in Pattaya since they started using footage of Romain Grosjean’s races as a training film for baht bus drivers. Irresponsible holidaymakers continue to cause problems for Pattaya’s hard working jet ski operators. It cost some Indian nutter 200,000 baht to get this appalling damage repaired… The relaunch has been announced of Thailand Elite, the high-end traveller scheme that previously collapsed in a maelstrom of disarray and litigation. The scheme, which originally targeted wealthy westerners, is this time being aimed at emerging markets such as Russia, China and India. The idea is apparently to “raise the level of visitor arrivals to new heights”. The only way they’ll raise that lot to new heights is to make them walk around on stilts. Unbelievable. But then that’s the trouble with Pattaya these days – full of bloody foreigners. It was bad enough when the foreigners were all Thais, but these days the sods come from everywhere, be it Russia, China, India or any number of countries in Eastern Europe without a vowel between them. About time they deported the whole bloody lot (okay, we’ll let the Thais off that one.) An Australian quality tourist was arrested after he threw a rock though the window of a taxi following an altercation with the driver on Pattaya Klang. Police released him after he agreed to pay 20,000 baht compensation, which they assured him was very reasonable figure as it was far less than the cost of repairing a scratch on a jet ski. One wonders what the average Pattaya lady would make of this little list from a PI bar. One thing’s for sure – a girl with 650 pesos to her name can do anything she bloody well likes… Time for bar news, and the soon to be opening Crystal club on Soi LK Metro, which was originally touted to be a Go Go but then changed to a nightclub, now seems to have reverted to a Go Go. We’ll find out for sure when it opens – probably as a coyote bar. Its next-door neighbour is to become Bachelor A Go Go, and the old MASH A Go Go is being relaunched as Angelwitch 2. Club Blu is not going to be a ladyboy bar after all, but will instead reopen as Fun House A Go Go. Hot And Cold has been busted for employing underage staff, which probably means anyone under 40 in that place. Over on Walking Street, the old Carousel A Go Go on Soi Diamond is to reopen as Dream A Go Go, and Beach Club has abandoned table dancing in favour of a traditional Go Go layout. Let’s hope coyote dancing gets consigned to the same dustbin of history. A tour bus driver was killed on Pratamnak Hill last week after the automatic passenger door on the bus shut on his neck. There’s only one possible way to explain the strange sequence of events that must have led to this unusual conclusion – but we don’t know what it is. A chap was found dead at a Buddhist shrine the other day after having some kind of convulsion. He’d stolen and consumed two cartons of milk from the shrine and some people think this may have led to his demise. The cartons described the product as longlife milk so the purchasers returned it to the store and demanded their money back. Is this where the Thais learn their pidgin English?.. In a surprise move, Thailand Regional and General Hospital Society has announced that it supports the P4P system. However, before anyone starts popping the champagne corks, it seems they’re referring to ‘pay for performance’ rather than the more popular use of the abbreviation. Something to do with wages in the medical sector, apparently. The chairman of the society said he realised that the system had a lot of pros and cons. So it’s much like any other sort of P4P then. A food safety meeting was recently held with local seafood vendors after statistics revealed that they hospitalised more people than motorcycle accidents. Unfortunately, the gathering quickly broke up in disarray after a brawl started over how seafood vendors involved in motorcycle accidents should be counted in the statistics. Several arrests were made - wonder what statistics they’ll show up in? A temporary monk (so how does that work then?) had a bit of luck last week after winning 44 million baht in the national lottery. He said he planned to use some of his winnings to buy a house for his mother and to make a donation to a local orphanage. He also said he wants to find his long lost father and talk to him. Got a feeling his chances of doing that just got a whole lot better. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap once more for joining our odyssey into the orifices of the old fun factory itself. The beginning of May saw the Tiffany Show Theatre staging the Miss Tiffany Universe 2013 contest, as hundreds of mainly Chinese quality tourists packed the place to the gunnels to witness the usual panorama of poofery that they incomprehensively seem to relish so much. Grubby little ferrets. They give perverts a bad name. Someone should stick some bromide into their chop suey. A Thai bloke was arrested in Jomtien the other Saturday after driving his cement mixing truck into a car while he was pissed as a fart. During his court appearance, the defence said there was no concrete evidence against him but the judge ruled that cement evidence was good enough and sent him to prison for the rest of his life. In another commendable display of honesty, a Thai hotel worker who found a wallet containing personal documents and 2000 baht whilst on his way to work decided to hand it in to police despite being urged to keep it by his friends. Police said that the wallet, the documents and the 20 baht would be returned to the rightful owner as soon as possible. The Angelwitch staff car park doesn’t seem as busy as it used to be… On to bar news now, and the top stories of the month must surely be the impending change of hands of both FLB Bar and The Blues Factory. The times they are a-changin’. In other news, it’s mixed blessings for the uphill gardeners as Jenny Star Bar closes but the word is that Club Blu is to reopen as a ladyboy joint. Super. It’s hello Halo again as the late but unlamented establishment attempts yet another relaunch, and Far East Rock has also reopened after its refurb. And Movida is still shut, though this seems to be its natural state. Police and public officials have begun an investigation after it was reported that illegal farming was taking place in East Pattaya. An official from the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation (catchy little name) said that those responsible would be tracked down and arrested, as the department’s plans for plant conservation were constantly being thwarted by farmers planting crops on their land. The Thai chappie who broke open a collection box outside a Beach Road shrine in April obviously must have thought he was on to a good thing, so he showed up again last month and did it again. Things didn’t go quite so well for him this time though, as he was unable to break the new lock then a passing motorbike taxi driver split his nostrils open with a boat hook and sat on him until the police arrived. Perhaps they could get a job at Not Living Dolls A Go Go… The Thai government is launching yet another campaign to promote tourism in Thailand. The president of the Tourist Council of Thailand said “The government should emphasise quality and high spending tourists including visitors from China, India and Russia by granting them multiple visas”, a statement which distinguishes itself by simultaneously being grammatically inept, completely incomprehensible and utterly wrong on more levels than the mind can comfortably conceive. A couple of Thai blokes working at Central Festival were killed last week in a bizarre sewer incident. Apparently, one of them noticed a foul smell coming from the car park and, as there were no food vendors in the area, he soon realised that the cause was a blocked sewer. Unfortunately, when they climbed into the pipe to clear it they were overcome by noxious gases emanating from the sewage and both snuffed it. So they’ll go from being in turd to being interred. There was a bit of a punch up last week involving two teenage gangs in East Pattaya, resulting in damage to four motorcycles and, strangely, a ladle snatched from a food vendor and used as a makeshift weapon. A journalist at the scene said this was a big scoop – not something normally associated with a Pattaya food vendor. The two gangs, the four motorcycles, the ladle, the journalist and the food vendor were all taken to the police station and banged up pending further enquiries. Contestants have begun to arrive in Pattaya for the World’s Biggest Humbug Competition… A restaurant owner in Jomtien was shot by a Thai customer last week after he refused to give the man some extra sauce for his meal. Police quickly issued a statement saying that they had obtained information about the incident from a reliable sauce and expected to ketchup with the man very soon. They later apologised for using the restaurant owner’s cookery book to translate their statement into English because the police station’s dictionary had been stolen, along with four damaged motorcycles and a bent ladle. Finally, a couple of Ruskie quality tourists were arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing hats from a stall in Central Pattaya. In their defence, they claimed that they had no money to buy headwear and were just trying to blend in with the western tourists, who they’d heard were mainly brown hatters and two-week milliners. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to our latest look at the stories that really matter. Well, we don’t have any of those so here’s the usual guff. The Beach Road widening scheme is continuing apace, and we now have lots of nice artist’s impressions of how it will all look when its finished. Don’t know who the artist is, but one would imagine that he’s a surrealist. Some folks have been expressing concern about visiting Thailand and surrounding areas after the recent performances of Nuke Seoul Brother by Fatboy Kim in North Korea. Our advice is to take no notice. After all, when has a blowhard with a stupid haircut ever been a serious threat to anybody? Oh, hang on a minute… A local roast pork vendor has been praised for his honesty after finding a lost bag containing 206,000 baht and returning it to its owner. The man said he found the satchel containing 90,000 baht in cash and a cheque for 106,000 baht on his way home from work and contacted the police, who managed to locate the owner. Nice to know there’s still honest people about. Or so we thought until we did our arithmetic. Scams in Pattaya have reached a new high with thieves now putting up fake ATM kiosks… There was yet another conflagration in Pattaya the other weekend, this time in the shape of a newly opened lift factory which burned to the ground. Guess the place is maximum capacity no persons now. An unusual outbreak of violence took place in Jomtien the other Thursday when two male elephants fought to the death over a female in a local Elephant Park. A worker at the park said it was a shame that an area which had once attracted a nice class of elephant now had to tolerate these sort of mindless scum. The dead elephant later had its tusks removed as it’s supposed to bring good luck – especially to whoever manages to sneak them out the back door. A Thai man was spotted on CCTV a couple of weekends ago emptying the money from a donation box in front of the King Taksin The Great shrine on Beach Road. It was initially thought that the man might have been a religious official, but the fact that he arrived at 11pm, used bolt cutters to open the box and then urinated on the promenade has led some commentators to speculate that this may not in fact have been the case. Well that’s cleared that up… Time for this month’s bar news, and we start with the closures of Club Relaxxx (again) and Papa A Go Go (again), both of which have made more comebacks than Frank Sinatra so don’t write them off just yet. It’s Halo goodbye with the demise of said establishment, and Far East Rock has also closed, but only for renovations. Club Blu has yet to reopen despite its closure order expiring the week before last, and the word is that it’s about to be sold. Angelwitch is set to expand into Soi LK Metro, though it’ll presumably be a new place as it’s unlikely that the existing one could expand quite that far. And we now have a real Coconut Bar on Soi 6, which may be just in time as Beach Road is rapidly becoming the No Coconut Bar thanks to the road-widening scheme. A group of 30 Korean tourists were involved in a speedboat accident off Koh Larn last week, resulting in 18 injuries. This follows a similar incident not long ago involving 472 Chinese tourists. Police are thinking about investigating. Speaking of which, another investigation is under way after a small group of 30 Chinese tourists on a trip to Koh Larn were admitted to hospital after suddenly being taken ill following a visit to a local restaurant. Food poisoning is suspected, as several of the tourists had earlier complained about finding pieces of beef in their rat chow mein. Another traditional British pastime finds its way to Pattaya – the pub quiz… Police raided some commercial premises in South Pattaya the other Monday and confiscated five slot machines. They told the owner that the machines contravened anti-gambling laws as they gave players the chance to win money. However, the man claimed the machines were perfectly legal as nobody had ever won a single baht from any of them. The police accepted his argument but no one likes a smartarse so they arrested him for fraud instead. And if that wasn’t enough, a fairground on Third Road was also raided by police last Monday after reports that certain stalls were allowing patrons to win cuddly toys in exchange for money. Critics of the raid said that stunts like this would just drive cuddly toy dealers underground. Reports that a South Pattaya disco is attracting racist elements have been strenuously denied by the owners. This was confirmed by several patrons of the establishment, one of whom told us “Me and my mates have been in there every night this week and we didn’t notice any racists. Just a load of ragheads and schvartzers”. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes he does. And thank you for being a monkeywatcher.

Greetings monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap as we once again nestle ourselves into the warm bosom of our favourite place to be. Hang on to your hats. Bars have been warned that they face closure if they don’t stick to the official closing times of 2am within the entertainment zone and midnight elsewhere. We’re getting a strange feeling of déjà vu – and we think we may have had it before. Police also said they would be cracking down on drugs and got the ball rolling by arresting one their own officers after finding something untoward in his trousers. Police arrested a Thai bloke in the wee hours of the other Tuesday morning after he turned his car over on the central reservation of Sukhumvit Road. He told police he’d swerved after mistaking the shadow of a tree on the road for a pedestrian. Perhaps not the best defence to use if you’re trying to convince the police that you aren’t pissed out of your mind. It wasn’t and he didn’t because he was. The Thai economy continues to go from strength to strength, no doubt spurred on by the dynamism and drive displayed by its citizens… A German bloke snuffed it in Central Festival last Wednesday after plummeting down six floors from a balcony. Police asked for anyone who knew the man to contact Pattaya Police Station, though it seemed unlikely that anyone would be claiming to have known a pool of goo. Not to be outdone, a Thai lad fell 33 floors off Wongomat Tower while working on the construction site of said erection. Police said the incident was caused by a substandard plank, presumably a reference to the site manager. A Thai chap was arrested at a Flea Market in North Pattaya last week by a police anti-gambling unit for running a stall where people could win prizes by throwing darts at balloons. They informed him that taking money from people in return for gratuities was illegal but he gave them 5,000 baht so they let him off. Don’t know what happened to the fleas. They probably fled. As we all know, Pattaya is a perfectly safe place for holidaymakers. Just ask any doorman… Bar news now, and the raiding season is with us again, the latest victims being Insomnia, Marine, Nui’s Club 2, Naughty Girls, Sugar Sugar and Club Blu, the latter having a 30-day closure order slapped on them. Bit inconvenient if you happened to be staying in one of their rooms. And, as predicted last month, newly opened Movida has already closed down. Guugle has also closed, though word is that it’ll reopen at the end of the month, unlike Baron A Go Go, which looks to have gone for good. Classroom A Go Go has finished with dancers, so no change there then. Soi LK Metro is to give birth to a new Go Go named Crystal Club on the site of the old Lolita’s. Shenanigan’s is being converted into, would you believe, a family pub, obviously something Pattaya is crying out for. But the most surprising news of the month has to be FLB Bar swapping their band for coyote dancers. Good God, whatever next? The Blues Factory turning into a BJ bar? Rescue services were summoned last Wednesday after a monitor lizard was spotted roaming the streets of South Pattaya. A man claiming to be a lizard expert who arrived on the scene said that the recent spell of very warm weather may have induced the creature to come out of its shelter to look for water. Well, if it hangs around for a few more days it won’t have to look too hard. Someone seems to think that there may be a problem with traffic congestion in Pattaya, so a committee has been set up to examine the problem. The first meeting took place last Friday, but nobody showed up as they were all stuck in traffic jams except for one delegate who fell off his bike in South Pattaya after swerving to avoid a monitor lizard. That little branch of McDonald’s on Beach Road doesn’t seem to get too many customers these days… The 12th Pattaya International Music Festival took place a couple of weeks ago and was the usual blend of music, traffic jams and punch ups. Mainly traffic jams and punch ups to be honest. They should’ve gone to the UK for the Status Quo Frantic Four Reunion Tour and listened to some proper music (that’s what I did). Finally, there was a bit of a conflagration on Soi 16 last Thursday after a block of beer bars burned to the ground following an electrical fire. Though it was initially claimed that there were no casualties, it’s been reported that several of the nearby street vendors have added Crispy Arab to their menus. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in once again, and welcome to another month’s voyage to the bottom of the barrel. No doubt as a result of outstanding commercial success of the Avenue Mall, a new shopping centre called the Markland Village Lifestyle Mall is to be built in North Pattaya. Construction is planned to commence shortly and the complex should be completed by the end of this year – and demolished by the end of next year. A Ukrainian quality tourist went berserk in a 7-Eleven store the other Friday after buying some water and nail varnish, which he then used to paint two initials onto the back of an ATM machine for some unfathomable reason. He went on to wave a pair of knives at the bemused staff but calmed down after police arrived and fired a couple of warning shots through his head. It might have been prudent of them to add that they’d prefer monetary contributions… Police were called to a hotel on Naklua Road the other Monday after cleaners found a couple of Turkish tourists unconscious in their adjoining rooms. Both rooms had been ransacked and the safes had mysteriously disappeared from the wardrobes. The men claimed they’d been drugged by a couple of pay as you go girlfriends they’d met by the Dolphin Roundabout and had been robbed of 40, 000 US dollars and 100,000 baht, though some people have suggested that it may be an insurance scam. Well everybody, actually. The boys in brown were having a busy time of it last Wednesday night, with a police raiding party out on the town looking for counterfeit goods and the arrest of 40 ladyboys on Beach Road. Still trying to work out if this was two stories or only one. A strange tale now of a Thai woman who claimed to have found a bag containing 700,000 baht in East Pattaya. Being a public-spirited citizen, she handed the bag in to a police officer stationed at a police box next to the Soi Kao Ta Lo market. The man sent her on her way with the assurance that the bag would be returned to its rightful owner. However, when the woman later returned to check on developments, she said the bag had vanished, along with the police officer. She was unable to identify the officer at either of two identity parades and the police are now saying that the money and the police officer never existed. They did, however, accept that part of her story was true, as after a lengthy search they managed to locate both the police box and the market. Don’t worry if you’re new to Pattaya, as there’s always a handy sign to explain the strange local customs to you… Bar news now, and Walking Street has yet another new Go Go bar, this time in the shape of Glass House A Go Go, though it doesn’t seem to have much in the way of either glass or Go Go. Illusion Club (previously Top Girls) on Soi 14 has reopened as Movida nightclub, and it’ll no doubt be every bit as successful as its previous incarnations. Wonder what it’ll be called next month? It’s apparently Italian owned, so maybe they could try Wop’s Up? Smile Rock Girls A Go Go on Soi 15 has had its teeth polished and is now open again, as is Bada Bing A Go Go on Soi BJ following its own little refurb. Lets hope the girls have been reupholstered as well. Shenanigans Irish Pub has shut down, and will definitely not be reopening under the name of Micks Discotheque as an Irish version of that place at the end of Walking Street. Papa A Go Go has also bitten the dust, though its sister bar next door Papagayo continues to prosper. And MASH A Go Go has a gone gone. Goodbye, farewell and amen. Local authorities in the area seem to be suffering more and more from verbal diarrhoea when it comes to naming their specialist police sub-groups. First we had the Region 2 Child And Women Protection Unit and now we have the Region 2 Intellectual Property Protection Unit, though there’s a rumour going round that they’re both the same bloke. Pattaya now has a new tree specially designed to welcome Russian tourists… Pattaya Sea Rescue Services were called out last Friday after a Thai fellow went for a swim in a local lake after getting pissed as a rat with his chums. He was later found to have drowned and his death was attributed to excess drinking – presumably of the water in the lake. Following the news that a Russian Tourist had found her stolen iPad by using the “Find My iPad” application, girls in local bars have contacted Apple so see if it would be possible to develop a “Find My Penis” app for some of their less well endowed customers. It was a case of “It ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish” after a likely lad of said nationality turned up at the Soi 9 nick to report that he’d had a gold necklace snatched from around his neck by a poof in a dress. The police told him he should get used to local traditions and chucked him out. C’est la vie. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once again to another month’s rummage in the rucksack of rude. Off we go. It’s been a pretty standard sort of month in Pattaya really. A Pole was pulverised by a propeller (on a speedboat), a Russian was recycled into a rack of ribs (by a motorbike), and a Dane was demolished by a drop (23 floors from a condo block). Add to that the usual spate of shootings, stabbings and muggings and it’s just been business as usual. Still, it’s a great place to bring the family – if you want to go home single. In response to the recent large increase in violent attacks on Russian tourists, police began their 30-day crackdown with a ban on smoking in bars. Their next plan is to eliminate the drugs epidemic with a clampdown on nudity. Actually, there’s been a lot of cynicism about the 30-day crime crackdown and questions asked as to why it won’t be permanent. Well, because it’s easier to do it for 30 days. Okay boys, time’s up, as you were. Even in Pattaya, it’s probably not a good idea to have your wiring done by Baron Frankenstein… A local man was arrested on South Pattaya Road last weekend after a bag was snatched from a tourist on South Pattaya Road. Police said the man had been totally uncooperative, not listening to them or answering their questions, though they conceded that the fact he was deaf and dumb might have had something to do with this. They added that he sure played a mean pinball. A Thai lad with an addiction to western movies was arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing DVDs from a local 7-Eleven store. Strangely, he was apprehended while still in the store, so next time you go shopping in Pattaya, make sure you get your stuff from the shelf to the till pretty damn quick or you’re liable to be spending the rest of your stay in the monkey house. Police raided Central Festival Pattaya Beach last Wednesday evening and seized three unlicensed arcade machines. The machines were released after being fined 100 baht each and were back plying their trade the following evening. The chief of the Pattaya City Planning Department has finally had his achievements recognised with the presentation of this personalised chair… Not much bar news this month, though we have seen the demise of one of the old institutions of Walking Street, the good ole Dollhouse. However, as usual, there’s another place opening to redress the balance, the lucky bar this time being Sensations A Go Go, which has opened on the site of the old Cavern A Go Go. Oh, and Sapphire A Go Go has acquired a play mat. Nice to see local businesses are still investing heavily in infrastructure. Police seized 160,000 yabba tablets during a raid on local house last week. They apprehended a man on the premises who claimed that he wasn’t a drug dealer but had been to see his doctor and inadvertently picked up a prescription intended for Keith Richards. A Thai country singer was bizarrely arrested at a concert in North Pattaya last Friday for apparently “singing the wrong songs”. Reckon if the Osmonds ever play there they’ll lock the lot of ‘em up and throw the key away. Following the story in England that the remains of King Richard III had been discovered underneath a car park in the city of Leicester, reports have been dismissed that the body of Genghis Khan has been found in the freezer of a convenience store in North Pattaya. Former council member Mr Yuslas Sakkashit was arrested on Beach Road last Friday after being caught cheating in a local fishing contest… City officials have renewed their pledge to upgrade facilities at the Pattaya Youth Sports Center after calling it “a dilapidated embarrassment”, an expression they learned from reading a review of a concert by Cliff Richard. Cliff of course swore he’d never play in Thailand again after an incident on stage in Bangkok a few years ago when he was struck in the left ear by an individual pork pie during the second chorus of “Devil Woman”. A Thai bloke was rushed to hospital in Banglamung the other Tuesday with severe burns after setting fire to his coat after a row with his girlfriend. The lady in question said she took no notice at first as he often wore a smoking jacket or a blazer. Finally, there were fireworks galore in Pattaya last Sunday night when a taxi exploded outside City Hall. The cause of the explosion is still unknown, though it’s believed that shortly before the incident, the driver of the taxi had told an argumentative Muslim passenger to “go stick his head in a pig”. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and core coon crap for joining us at the start of one more year of squinting into the cesspools of Sin City. Walking Street was blacked out for an hour by a power cut shortly after the New Year had been ushered in. No great inconvenience was caused by this unexpected cock up, except to the chap who chose his companion for the night while the lights were out and later experienced an unexpected cock up of his own. A German quality tourist was arrested the other Sunday after being caught stealing a pair of socks from a shop in Royal Garden Plaza. He refused to comment when questioned by police but a court found him guilty and ordered him to be placed on the socks offenders register. The court was later placed on the crap jokes register. A hotel bellboy was arrested by police the other weekend after his apartment was searched following a tip off that was in possession of illegal guns and ammunition. The man admitted the offence but said the guns were only for personal use, adding that guests at the hotel where he works sometimes needed reminding that they haven’t given him a tip. The Arab sheikh who arrived in Pattaya a few weeks ago still hasn’t finished unwrapping his Christmas present yet… The debate about toilet jockeys in bars seems to have resurfaced once again, and the usual questions are being asked, like “what the fuck are these guys doing in girlie bars?” Well, maybe they’re in league with the shoeshine boys. After all, if you’re standing in the bog trying to take a piss and some Siamese brown hatter jumps on your back and starts pummelling your shoulders, you probably won’t be leaving the place with clean shoes. First time visitors to Pattaya will almost certainly encounter Thai expressions with which they are unfamiliar, and it’s important that they learn the subtle differences between similar sounding words. For instance, “boomsing” is a popular Thai euphemism for sex, while “singboom” is a karaoke bar for suicide bombers. If you’ve got the horn, eat one of these… First bar news of the year now, and all the new bars that had planned to open over the Christmas period seem to have done so, though Glamour A Go Go has already managed to close and reopen during this short interval. Sounds like a nasty case of Sakura Club 69 Syndrome. First reports put Sugar Baby A Go Go at the front of the pack, though its Windmill connections no doubt put it in good stead with Johnny Punter. The rumours of the demise of Submarine A Go Go would appear to have been somewhat premature, as it’s now resurfaced after a longer than usual period of inactivity. Either that or they were in silent running mode. Oh well, up periscopes then. Barfines over the festive period have been generating quite a few comments. Hardly surprising, with some establishments charging up to 3500 baht. One punter was reported to have told a bar owner he could stick his barfine where the sun don’t shine, to which the owner allegedly replied that this wouldn’t be possible as he had no plans to visit Scotland. A Thai bloke was arrested just before Christmas after he and two of his dopey mates were spotted smashing up the big ‘PATTAYA’ sign on Pratamnuk Hill following a night on the piss. Bloody vandals. Why can’t they turn their hands to something more useful? Like smashing up that monstrosity over the entrance to Walking Street. First Pattaya had Mini Siam, now it’s got Mini Stonehenge… Pattaya has just launched its own brand of lager, imaginatively named ‘Pattaya Lager’. As there’s a picture of a dolphin on the label, some have suggested that it may be nicknamed ‘Dolphin Beer’, though those who’ve sampled it seem to think that ‘Weasel Piss’ would be a more appropriate moniker. The advertisers have even come up with a slick little slogan to go with it, “Come Pattaya, Drink Pattaya”, though a little research would no doubt have shown them that most punters tend to do the drinking bit first. The Silver Star on Soi 7 lived up to its Wild West sounding name last week when it was the scene of a gunfight that wouldn’t have been out of place at the OK Corral. Bullets were flying everywhere as a Thai bloke was shot dead in a bar and then the escaping gunman was wounded several times by another hail of bullets fired by a group of geezers who went after him. The word is that the dead bloke was shot accidentally, though the fact that he was shot twice has led police to make enquiries at local opticians. Finally, it’s been reported that the local boys in brown took great pains to ensure they were well prepared to cope with the challenges of a busy festive season. They all bought bigger wallets. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Merry Christmas and Cool Yule to one and all as we take a festive squint at the goings on and comings off in the City Of Smirks during yet another season of piss on earth on goodwill to all mongers. A Russian quality tourist and two Thai security guards were taken to hospital the other Thursday after having a knife fight outside a Walking Street disco. It was observed that this incident took place in Pattaya’s Tourist Safety Zone, which led some commentators to suggest that the idea might not be working too well. One might also suggest that this is something of an understatement. A motorcyclist stopped at a police checkpoint for not wearing a helmet was searched and found to be in possession of a gun and 100 yabba tablets. Someone should tell him that 100 bullets would have worked much better. Never ask a Thai to direct you to the Bamboo Bar… A strange occurrence came to pass in East Pattaya last Tuesday when a loud explosion was heard and a large chunk of unusual dark coloured metal fell from the sky and landed on a piece of wasteland. Speculation grew that it may have fallen from a UFO, and rumours began to spread of people disappearing overnight and being found the next morning with no recollection of what had happened to them. So just a normal day in Pattaya then. A Brit tourist drowned last week while he and his chums were fleeing from security guards following an altercation in an all-night discotheque. “We are treating this as a very serious incident”, said a police spokesman, “that discotheque should have been closed by 3am.” Police were called to Beach Road the other night after a car smashed into the front of a tailors shop. The shop owner, who was erecting a new window display at the time, was unhurt but said he would be suing the woman driver for the damage to his shop front and for bending his dickey. But not nightly, matey… Bar news now, and New York New York (so good they closed it twice), Submarine A Go Go, MASH, Office A Go Go and Club Relaxxx have all been temporarily closed for “renovations” at the insistence of the local plod. Most are up and running again now, though there’s a whisper that Submarine may be permanently sunk. On the upside, there’s a shitload of new places either open or opening shortly, namely Miami A Go Go (Soi Post Office), Glamour A Go, Upstairs A Go Go and Sensations A Go Go (Walking Street) and Lady Love A Go Go (Soi LK Metro). The name of the Go Go that’s under construction on the corner of Soi 14 has finally been revealed as Sugar Baby (no points for originality there), and its ownership links suggest it may be one to watch. It’s being reported that Pattaya now has a bad reputation with Russian tourists. Interesting. It’s traditionally been the other way round. As in the case of two Ruskie tarts who were arrested on Wednesday last week after smashing a coke bottle over the head of a shop assistant at a local convenience store. They claimed in their defence that it was a traditional Russian greeting, but were taken to the local police station and given a traditional Thai greeting - with the aid of a few police batons. Well, that sign seems to have covered all the plus points… Some places have tree huggers, Pattaya has tree hackers. Yes, the Beach Road defoliation has begun again, only four months after the previous apocalypse of aesthetic devastation. It’s being claimed that the action was necessary because ripened coconuts could be a danger to tourists but this allegation is not backed up by police records, which clearly demonstrate that no Beach Road coconut has ever been convicted of assaulting holidaymakers, or indeed of any other crime of violence. A couple of them are, however, being investigated for sex offences allegedly committed in the 1970s, though police stressed that they were not connected to the Jimmy Savile case. Finally, City officials are in the process of cleaning up Walking Street. No, don’t panic, this particular clean up only involves brooms, mops and lots of soapy water. They’re also planning to get rid of all the trash and banish the nasty smells. Okay, you can start panicking now. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to November as we celebrate Guy Fawkes, the man who tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament but failed because he got the gunpowder barrels in the wrong sequence. Reckon he was bang out of order. On with the show. A 14-year-old girl was slightly injured near Third Road the other Monday morning when a bullet came through the roof of her bedroom and hit her in the knee. The injury was thought to be an accident caused by someone firing a bullet into the air close to her home, but the police rounded up all the local Taliban members and gave them a good kicking just to be on the safe side. A jet ski operator was found floating face down in the waters off the coast of Pattaya a couple of weeks ago. He was reckoned to have been in the water a couple of days before being discovered. His condition was described as ‘satisfactory’. This should attract a better class of customer… A Thai chappie decided to end it all last week after his mother chastised him for hitting the family cat. She told police that his behaviour was very much in character as he’d spent much of his childhood spanking his monkey. Police arrested two Cambodian labourers last week after they stole a Russian woman’s bag from Wongamat Beach in North Pattaya. The men said they stole the bag as their employer hadn’t paid them and they hadn’t eaten for three days. They added that they’d considered stealing food from MacDonald’s but decided the bag would probably be more nutritious. An old navy ship was sunk off the coast of Koh Larn a couple of weeks ago, apparently so it can become a new artificial reef and an attraction for divers. Guess the divers were getting fed up of exploring the thirty or so Koh Larn ferries that were down there already. The English translation would appear to be the more concise version… Bar news for this month now, and Ginza A Go Go joined the Walking Street ranks as expected (+1), just in time for the closure of Lollipop A Go Go to reduce the number again (-1). That wasn’t the end of the saga though, as the Lollipop girls moved to Halo Club, which has now been renamed Halo A Go Go (+1). So we’re at an all-time high. Deep joy. There’s been some talk lately about Japanese blokes getting all the attention in Go Go bars. No problem. All you have to do is get yourself a pair of thick specs and pretend that you’ve got an unfeasibly small dick. You’ll be beating the girls off with sticks in no time. Over 1500 Thai troops are currently on standby in case they are needed to aid the flood effort. A spokesman said that the troops would be made to lie down on top of each other in areas where there was a shortage of sandbags. The perfect stuff after a night on the falling down water… A security guard was killed last Tuesday afternoon after a newly erected electric pylon fell on him. Passers by told police they hadn’t raised the alarm because they’d mistaken the man for a discarded pizza. Four fried insect vendors were arrested on Pattaya beach last Monday after they were found to be carrying large knives. When asked by police why they were carrying the weapons, they claimed it was to defend themselves. Presumably from food critics. A bit like the story about the farang who walked into a Pattaya restaurant and asked the waiter if he had a seat for lunch, to which the waiter replied “Solly, only hab chicken or fish”. “Which do you recommend?” enquired the falang. “Hab chicken”, said the waiter, “it taste more like seat than anything”. Well, it could happen. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once more as we lift up the corner of Fun City’s carpet and find out what’s been swept under it. All systems go. A team from Pattaya’s Sanitation Department have started work on unblocking the city’s drainage system. They’ve begun by taking up drain covers on Third Road and sucking out the pipes to ensure that the system runs freely. It’s rumoured that if things get too difficult they’ve got a team of girls from Soi 6 on standby to offer a little expert help. A former Walking Street magician was arrested yesterday after being accused of stealing a handbag from a woman after threatening her with a knife. An initial search of the man by police produced nothing, so they turned him upside down and shook him, at which point the missing handbag landed on the floor – followed by twenty mobile phones, three laptops, a 42 inch plasma TV and a Honda Wave. Amazing what you can stuff into a wizard’s sleeve. Visitors have been advised to be on their guard when buying fake Viagra after a German tourist reported that it had affected the wrong part of his body… An amateur footballer died on the pitch during the second half of a match in Sattahip the other Thursday afternoon. The circumstances of his death are still unclear, though it is believed that his side was awarded a free kick as a result. Talking of football, well known football manager and serial lecher Sven-Goran Eriksson has taken up a new job in Thailand but insists he’s only here for the football. Yeah, and we’re only here for the temples, Sven m’boy. An Indian fellow turned up at the police station the other evening alleging he’d been assaulted by a member of staff in a restaurant. When he’d complained that the meal was not to his satisfaction, the Thai waiter punched him in the face, smashed a chair over his head, dragged him outside by his left leg and threw him head first into a garbage skip. The police officer on duty told the man to stop moaning as his complaint had been dealt with satisfactorily and fined him 5000 baht for wasting police time. Business owners are being advised to be on their guard after a particularly audacious theft on Soi 1 where a gang of thieves stole an Indian restaurant. Here it is… And here it isn’t… Bar news now, and there’s been a flurry of activity on Walking Street, with no less than three new Go Go’s for your delectation. Mandarin A Go Go on the left corner of Soi 14 and Pe Pe A Go Go on Soi Covent Garden have already opened, with Ginza A Go Go, which is taking shape next to Nui’s Club 2, due to join them soon. Soi LK Metro is also doing its bit with Showgirls scheduled to open this very evening. Their advertising suggests that this place will be more than just another Go Go, so we await its opening with interest. Worldwide A Go Go on Beach Road is ready to reopen this evening following its refurb, and Smile Rock Girls A Go Go has already rejoined the ranks following a refit, so look out for the usual eyeful of you-know-what the next time you stroll past. Following the news that a new Go Go aimed at Japanese visitors will be opening shortly on Walking Street, we await the fruition of a similar project that will target another section of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. The venue, to be called the Stinking Pig A Go Go, will feature tables that have room for ten chairs but only one drink, girls wearing knickers carrying the slogan “grope me but don’t give me a drink or tip” and a short time room specially equipped for one girl and twenty customers. The aircon system will be regularly topped up with raw sewage and rotting cabbage to complete that special home from home experience. The lavatories have also been designed to add a touch of class… You know, some people think that bars having only male service staff is a bad thing, but it does have an upside as well. When was the last time one of them tried to hustle you for a drink? And remember, a stranger is just a bar girl you haven’t shagged yet. be seeing you monkeyman

Dropped by for the anniversary party last Friday. Good night.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and join us once more as we get to the stories behind the stories, and the stories in front of the stories as well. Chocks away. All hell broke loose and several shots were fired early the other Thursday morning when two groups of drunken Thais had a dust up in a local restaurant. Kicks, punches and tables were thrown, bottles were smashed over heads, it was a right mess. The police were finally called and arrived at the scene in an attempt to sort out the chaos. The two groups of men were finally separated, arrested, and given a stern warning that this was no way to sort out a dispute about who’d ordered the prawn balls. A local pawnshop owner was charged with car theft the weekend before last after being arrested for stealing a car he had pawned for a customer. In his defence, he said that times were hard and it took a lot of balls to run a pawn business these days, but the judge dismissed his plea, saying that it only took three. Now all the trees on Beach Road have been chopped down, why not invest in one of the new Monkeywatch Portable Trees? You can wheel it everywhere you go, thus guaranteeing yourself a permanent spot in the shade… There’s been a lot of debate about inflated barfines lately, with figures of 2500 baht and higher being quoted, and even larger sums being demanded for the ensuing horizontal shenanigans. Should a punter be stumping up this kind of cash? Well, why not? After all, it’s his money at the end of the day – but unfortunately, it’s hers by the next morning. Opinions have often been sought by newcomers to Fun City as to what manner of apparel is most likely to prove attractive to the fair sex, and a variety of views have been expressed on this subject. There seem to be a school of thought these days that it’s designer gear that does the business, though others tend toward the view that parading around with the name of an Italian poof stitched on your left tit might be sending out the wrong message. Two Iranians have been arrested after being caught stealing cash from local Money Exchange Booths. More “quality tourists”, eh? Still, maybe they had financial problems or some other issues that we couldn’t possibly know about so perhaps we should sympathise with them. And then shoot the bastards. The National Parks Department have announced that entrance fees to Thai national parks are to be raised by an eye watering 150 per cent from the beginning of October. The department said that the new fees were meant to act as a deterrent because the parks were getting too many tourists, which was causing damage to the environment. Reckon TAT may as well pack up and go home. Looks like Pattaya has decided to equip its traffic wardens with more appropriate headgear… Bar news for this month begins on Soi 15, where an old place is turning into a new place fronted by an old face. Toyz A Go Go has been rebranded as Private Dancer A Go Go, and is in the process of devouring the old Eazy Room A Go Go next door to make for a more fat fuck friendly bar. Smile Rock Girls A Go Go has closed, though it should be reopening after a long overdue refurb is completed. So bar news for this month also ends on Soi 15, as there’s bugger all going on anywhere else. It’s been reported that a Belgian chap died in his Pattaya home following a fall in the toilet. Guess he must have drowned. The coroner did say he was round the bend. If you want to know all there is to know about Thai birds, keep a look out for the for the new Monkeywatch publication “Fifty Shades Of Brown”, which should be available from all moderately disreputable book shops sometime in the next ten years. Pattaya hosted yet another celebrity last week when R2D2 made a flying visit… Drama was the order of the day in East Pattaya last week after a suicidal Thai bloke climbed an electricity pylon and balanced himself precariously on the top. Police were called and quickly cleared the area round the base of the pylon in case the man decided to toss himself off. An Indian quality tourist was attacked and robbed in East Pattaya last week after accepting a lift from a ladyboy on a motorbike. He was walking back to his hotel after eating at a food stall when he was approached by the ladyboy and taken to a secluded spot where he was attacked by three other men. He told police that his assailants robbed him of 1000 US dollars and a Blackberry phone. When asked why he was eating at food stalls and walking home when he had 1000 dollars in his pocket, he explained that he’d heard there was a lot of prejudice against Indians in Pattaya so he was pretending to be a Scotsman. A Russian woman broke both her legs after jumping from the balcony of a fifth floor condo following a row with her boyfriend. So it seems that the Russians are joining in with the local traditions after all. An official spokesman announced last week that a ban on alcohol in all Thai government offices was to be introduced with immediate effect. He then sang two choruses of Bohemian Rhapsody, got his dick out and threw up over the office cat. And remember, if you want to be a hit with the girls, just show them what you’re packing in your boxers. Women always like a man who can make ‘em laugh. be seeing you monkeyman

The greatest ever...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more ferreting around in the files of Fun City. The adventure begins. Pattaya officials have decided it’s high time that they upgraded the city’s disaster alert system, so they’ve decided to buy a louder whistle. And to alert the rural areas, every poultry farmer will be offered a bigger cock. Police raided a local house the other week and arrested the owner after finding 218,400 yabba pills on the premises. The man claimed that he wasn’t a drug dealer and had only bought the tablets because his wife had invited Ozzy Osbourne to dinner. Following the recent prolonged spells of very wet weather, scientists have warned that if climate change isn’t tackled urgently then this problem could occur every year. So they’re telling us that if we don’t stop the climate changing then the climate will stay the same. Yeah, okay. If you get the chance to visit Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens, make sure you don’t miss their outstanding display of fossilised rabbit shit… A holidaymaker was arrested earlier this month after a road rage attack on another tourist following a motoring incident in the city. Jedward Filkins, aged 42, admitted attacking 46-year-old Dudley Smallcock with a sawn-off mango, thus illegally engaging in work that could be done by a Thai. A Thai woman reported to the police last week that a man had sexually assaulted her in a bar some two days earlier. When asked why she hadn’t reported the incident earlier, she said she didn’t realise that she’d been assaulted until her bank told her the man’s banknotes were forgeries. Yet another tree cutting exercise has been undertaken on Beach Road to make it a nicer place for tourists. The supervisor in charge of the project said he hoped that the pruning work would decrease prostitution. An original solution, for sure. Perhaps he should take it further and see if he can reduce the city’s drugs problem with a bit of judicious hedge trimming. So where was the Pattaya Motor Show previously held then?… On to bar news, and not much in the way of comings and goings to report this month. Papagayo on Soi Diana has opened a Go Go next door to their current gaff, which they have imaginatively named Papa A Go Go. You’ll probably need a magnifying glass to find it though, such is the diminutive extent of its dimensions. We are talking small here. Not enough room to swing a mouse, let alone a pussy. Babydolls manager Ricky has moved on and been replaced with a new manager who isn’t called Ricky. This move is apparently designed to bring the bar into line with the other Go Gos in the area, all of which have managers who aren’t called Ricky. Police were called to a fairground on Third Road last Wednesday after a mass brawl broke out on the site. The organisers have said that this was a one-off incident and the fair is completely safe. We agree, the fair is completely safe. But the visitors are up shit creek. A watchdog group has urged authorities to take action against Pattaya businesses that are stealing electricity. Investigators say that they have already searched several premises but stolen electricity is notoriously difficult to locate, even with the help of sniffer dogs. “Are you sure you dropped it round here?”… A couple of ex-convicts were arrested in Jomtien last week after threatening police with a BB gun. One suspects that their ex-convict status might change fairly shortly. An old German bloke collapsed and died last week while reading a note from his long-time Thai girlfriend of two weeks. When questioned by police, the girl said she’d written the note in English but had confused the phrase “sorry for being late” with “my brothers are going to cut your balls off and stuff them in your mouth”. Finally, news has just come in from our Olympic reporter Colin Reptile that Thailand has won a bronze medal in the Freestyle Frog Trampling. Way to go, fellas. be seeing you monkeyman (thanx to Sa-teef for pic 2)

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to the latest batch of Bohemian banter from Giggle City. Up, up and away. Yet another Pattaya hotel has ejected a bunch of Indian tourists after they found eight of them sleeping in one small room. Do you remember a few years ago when Pattaya hatched a master plan to change its image by encouraging a new breed of “quality tourists”? Going well, isn’t it? Human remains have been found on a beach off the coast of Pattaya. Scientists are very excited by the discovery as this species was thought to have abandoned the area many years ago. Some new signs have been appearing around Pattaya lately. The red one means “No Russians”… Have you seen the new Eurozone Package Holidays to Pattaya? You fly First Class, stay in a seven star hotel, spend as long as you like getting pissed on vintage champagne and barfining the most expensive girls you can find, then you bugger off back home and send the bill to the Germans. A food vendor was attacked and robbed by two men the other evening while he was taking a piss up a wall. Let’s hope he prepares his food with the other hand. It’s been reported that NASA has cancelled its planned climate studies in Thailand. They must have been put off by the bad weather. In an attempt to cut down on the large number of items being stolen on a stretch of Beach Road, a new security camera has been installed… Bar news time, and there’s a new establishment opening soon on Soi Buakhao called Rehab A Go Go. That should strike a chord with a few of you. There’s also a new dance bar opening on LK Metro. Don’t know the name, but then you probably don’t give a shit anyway. Of more interest in that area is yet another new Go Go, this time in Soi Diana next to Papagayo. No name yet, but it should be up and running next month. Pattaya’s permanent secretary has been assured by police and social services that they’ve made great progress in helping homeless people to get off the city’s streets. They’ve thrown them all in jail. A Pattaya street cleaner found 800 yabba tablets last week while performing his regular municipal duties. When asked where he found the tablets, he replied “On the second moon of Jupiter”. For all you football fans, here’s a photo of Italian footballer Mario Balotelli after being given a warm welcome to Pattaya by local supporters… There was a little bit of drama on Second Road last week after power lines and cars were damaged by a falling rubber tree. Shit, if we’d known they grew on trees we wouldn’t have wasted all that money at the chemist. An Iranian tourist was arrested the Sunday before last in Royal Garden Plaza after being caught by security guards while trying to steal a model aircraft from one of the stores. A case of “Is that an Airbus A380 in your trousers or are you just pleased to see me?” Finally, it seems that free to air satellite viewers in Thailand may after all be able to receive the 2012 Olympic Games coverage after problem with rights issues were resolved. Viewers are said to be taking the threat seriously. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s squint at the goings on and comings off in Tottytown. Engage. There seems to be an increasing trend recently for Pattaya hotels to charge joiner fees for residents who have more than one guest in their room. Could be a ploy to squeeze extra money out of mongers, but it’s more likely an attempt to keep the number of Indian occupants per room down to single figures. A Thai bloke has been locked up after being accused of burgling a house and sexually assaulting the owners’ five-year-old dog. What a sicko. He should stick to dogs over 18 like any normal pervert. A woman has been arrested for murder and theft after drugging and robbing three blokes from Bangladesh, one of whom ended up taking a dirt nap. The woman apparently carried out the dastardly deed after agreeing to go back to the men’s hotel room for 800 baht, though she stressed that she wasn’t a prostitute. One can’t help but wonder what her definition of a prostitute actually is. Authorities investigating complaints from Indian tourists that condoms on sale in Pattaya are too large believe there may be a case to answer… A Frenchman from East Pattaya who had a row with his Thai wife is recovering in hospital after attempting suicide by swallowing weed killer. He’d have done better taking a trip down to Beach Road and drinking the seawater. Strangest story of the month has to be the British citizen who was arrested in Bangkok after half a dozen foetuses were found in his luggage. Suppose they’ll charge him with human trafficking now - it’s the one the British authorities usually use when they’re fitting somebody up. The Chinese ambassador has suggested that Pattaya should erect signs in Chinese to prevent visitors from his country being tricked, cheated and robbed. A Pattaya official observed that if Chinese tourists couldn’t be ripped off there really wasn’t any point in having them in the city in the first place. Pattaya had the privilege last week of playing host to an air display by the Greek Air Force… Bar news now, and we begin with the closure of that grand old Pattaya institution Carousel A Go Go, rumoured to have been a favourite haunt of Methuselah in his mongering days. May it rest in peace (but not for too long). Club Relaxxx has opened yet again – they must be using the Sakura Club 69 business model. Gentlemen’s Club on Soi Diamond has adopted the curious practice of being a coyote bar and a go go bar on alternate nights. Don’t yet know whether this is a new business idea or just a temporary measure to see which of the two draws in the most punters (probably the latter). And the long empty Illusion Club on Soi 14 looks set to reopen as the builders are in and the place is gutted – just like the previous owners, presumably. Following the suspended jail term imposed on a Thai webmaster for remarks posted on her site by someone else, local authorities have announced that in future all shoplifting charges will be brought against the owners of the shops instead of the thieves. Pattaya police arrested six “tour guides” last week after they were caught “persuading tourists to watch sex shows” on Walking Street. Bet they needed hell of a lot of persuading. Always read the small print before buying a 16 cylinder car in Pattaya… It’s been reported that more Swedish companies are to invest in Thailand. Nothing to do with Swedish anti-sex laws, obviously. A Bangkok taxi driver was arrested last week for raping a female passenger in his cab. The man, who had just been released from prison after serving a five-year sentence for another rape, claimed that he did it because the woman was wearing shorts. Not a classic defence really. Residents of a local village have complained to the authorities about lorries that drive past their houses more than 50 times per day. They should try living on a baht bus route. Of course, there aren’t any girls left in Pattaya at the moment as they’ve all been trafficked to the Euro 2012 footy tournament. You know, just like the 2006 World Cup in Germany when the media and authorities informed us that 40,000 girls had been trafficked into the country for the event. The police found five. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our 6th Anniversary Edition already. Still, as they say, time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana. Let’s get on. Local police have blamed their failure to maintain public order over the Songkran period on the fact that they ran out of ammunition. Someone must have turned off the police station’s water supply. They got their own back last Monday night though, with a total shutdown of Soi 6 for license inspections and piss tests. The bars got a clean bill of health for the licenses but the employees didn’t fare quite so well, with 60 of them failing the drug test. Does this mean that until they can pass the test they aren’t allowed to take drugs without supervision from a qualified smackhead? It’s been reported on a local news site that a Korean tourist is suspected of being drugged and robbed in South Pattaya. So the suspect is also the victim? Sounds like an interesting legal situation. No doubt he’ll be given a stiff sentence if found guilty. The body of an Indian man was found in a potato field near Pattaya the other week. Suppose it’s cheaper than using fertilizer. You can’t be too careful when it comes to UV rays… A strange tale emerged a few weeks ago of a Thai man who committed suicide after becoming depressed because his previous suicide attempt had failed. Lucky the second attempt was successful or he’d have been really pissed off. A Thai lad shot three people, including a falang, on Soi 8 during Songkran after somebody upset him a bit. This’ll take some explaining away by the Tourist Authority. Family friendly resort my big spotty arse. Local residents have been complaining about a large hole that has appeared in South Pattaya Road and is apparently still increasing in size and depth. They say it’s about time that officials got to the bottom of it, at which point the locals will presumably fill it in themselves. This is Pattaya’s answer to Stonehenge. God only knows what the question was… A bit of bar news this month. Club Relaxxx on Soi Covent Garden appears to have reduced its opening hours to nil. Sabai Land has also closed, but only for some major renovations, and will be reappearing in the not too distant future. The old Hooty’s on Walking Street is to be relaunched as Roxy 2, and will start its new life as a coyote bar. Gentlemen’s Club on Soi Diamond has also reopened, though first reports indicate it was more fun when it was closed. And Soi LK Metro has a new offering in the shape of Queen’s Club A Go Go. Word is that it has the same owners as Iron Club on Walking Street. Wonder what names they’ll come up with for their next bars? Brown Hatters A Go Go? Uphill Gardeners Club? A drug control officer was arrested last week after going on a rampage and shooting spree in a Pattaya hospital. The man, who witnesses described as being ‘completely out of his tree’, was seen raving, shouting incoherently and waving his weapon around (must have thought he was in a Go Go). Police are continuing to question the man as they suspect his particular method of drug control may be straying a little outside official guidelines. The government has stated that there will be no ‘megafloods’ in Thailand this year, and that foreign businessmen can now be much more confident investing in the country. Particularly if they invest in snorkels or canoes, presumably. This Pattaya official said he spotted no flooding problems at all during his drive down Beach Road… The Thai workforce need to learn to speak better English, according to a local official during a speech to local businessmen. Or as he put it, “Collect yooz of de Ingrish rangwitch iss velly importann”. He may have a point, actually. We still remember the gonorrhoea epidemic scare on Soi Pattayaland 2 after someone thought they heard a bar girl saying the street was a “road of clap”. This year’s Pattaya International Music And Traffic Jam Festival was reckoned by many to be lacking in atmosphere compared to previous events. One attendee was heard to complain that he’d only seen two punch-ups and no shootings at all. Guess music just ain’t what it used to be. be seeing you monkeyman