monkeyman

Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence. I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to look in, and welcome a fresh batch of tales both short and tall from the City of Sniggers (or are we supposed to say Safrican Americans these days?) When the local boys in brown put up a poster on their notice board outside the police station saying “Woman Wanted For Sattahip Temple Burglary” they were surprised to find that several women turned up and asked if they could apply for the job. An Indian quality tourist turned up at the police station the other day claiming that “a woman with long hair” (he obviously has an eye for detail) had done a bunk with his gold necklace valued at 41,000 baht (valued by him, one suspects.) He said the woman had ridden up on a motorcycle and propositioned him, which he of course refused as any quality tourist would. After she rode away, he realised that the gold chain had disappeared, obviously not having noticed the item being removed from around his neck during their conversation. The desk sergeant filled in a report and deposited it in the police station’s ‘Thefts from Indians” file, a wire basket on the floor in the corner of the room. Didn’t call him a stinking pig though. Must have slipped his mind. A taxi driver who was reportedly depressed climbed up a cellphone tower in Nong Plalai and stayed up there for seven hours before coming down for a smoke. He told police he’d climbed up there because one of his relatives was going to shoot him. Sounds reasonable. I mean, if someone’s out to shoot you, what better place to hide from them than the top of a cellphone tower? Unbelievable. Here’s a quick way to get to Heaven Above. Just climb up here and stick your hand in the junction box… Over 100 people were arrested after a massive gang fight on Pattaya Beach, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the Brits had their Mods and Rockers punch ups on Brighton Beach in the 1960s. After watching the film “Quadrophenia”, police decided to raid Scooter’s Bar and Harley Bar for likely suspects but were unsuccessful on both counts, the former because they didn’t know which of the Scooter’s bars to raid and the latter because it shut down about 10 years ago. Just another day in the family-friendly resort of Pattaya. Grave cleaners in Pattaya who were digging a bloke up so he could be cremated (it’s a Thai thing, don’t ask) were surprised to discover that you actually can take it with you when you go after the stiff in question was found to have no less than 100,000 baht about his person. The money, it’s said, will be used for merit-making. Bet you could make a shitload of merits with that stash – if you knew what merits were and how to make them. Thailand celebrated this year’s Press Freedom Day by blocking the BBC coverage of the coronation. Nobody seems to be saying who ordered it or why, though it’s been suggested that some previous remarks relating to similarities with Prince Charles in the area of aural physiognomy may be involved. One of Pattaya’s many claims to fame is that it invented the concept of concrete dog shit as a tourist attraction… A smattering of bar news now. On LK Metro, Office A Go Go has reopened as Office Club, and on Soi Diamond a new Carousel Bar has opened called New Carousel Bar. They must sit up all night coming up with these innovative new names. Bollywood a Go Go has been relaunched on Pattayaland 1, though they’re actually fibbing as it reportedly isn’t a Go Go but a dance bar. Could be some Indian bints in there who are up for it, but don’t hold your breath (actually, that might be a bad piece of advice.) It’s been reported that the trash in Pattaya is damaging the reputation of the city as a world-class resort. And there was us thinking it was down to the Mafia, the Triads, drugs, dregs, stinking pigs, muggings, beatings, shootings, stabbings, gang fights, prostitution, slavery and corruption. Shows how much we know. Let’s do the time warp again with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in May 2009. “There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins. A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.” This must be the new improved Thai Airways Boeing 737… Customers in a Pattaya car park were somewhat surprised when a Thai man came crashing through the roof and ended up in a heap on the floor. Rescue workers postulated that the man, who appeared to be in an elevated state of consciousness, might have been looking for an apartment in the adjoining building and “got a bit lost.” That’s an understatement. Following the latest jumping incident at Central Festival, it’s been revealed that they’ve come up with a way to solve the problem – machines that clean up the mess in double quick time. Way to go, fellas. The last thing tourists want when they’re out shopping is to get that sort of goo all over their nice new shoes. The formerly beautiful Maya Bay has had to be closed for two years after being trampled underfoot by relentless hordes of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings. Good news for the bay, but bad news for the locals – and the sharks. Finally, if you’re in town right now then you’re just in time for the Pattaya International Fireworks Festival 2019 that’s being held on Pattaya Beach on 24 and 25 May. If past events are anything to go by, this is a show that you most definitely must not fail to miss. be seeing you monkeyman

They've done this before on more than one occasion. The reason was rumoured to be too many empty seats.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from post-Songkran Pattaya now locals have stopped throwing water at each other and gone back to putting it in the beer. The Thai Meteorological Department predicted recently that April would be a wet month. Well given that the roads have just been under a foot of water it ain’t likely to be a fuckin’ drought is it? A wise man once said, “White man with brown cock has just come from Dongtan.” Not in this bloody weather he hasn’t. Pedestrians have been warned to take care if they venture onto Pattaya North Road during the repaving work as it’s currently about as safe as walking through a minefield in Afghanistan. The warning unfortunately comes too late for the Chinese tourist who stumbled over a pile of bricks and plunged into an open sewer (no sniggering at the back there.) Pattaya officials are currently working on plans for the redevelopment of Big Buddha Hill. A spokesman said that no decisions had yet been taken but strongly denied rumours that the Buddha was to be replaced by Ronald McDonald. He was last seen driving off to City Hall in his new Bentley. This month’s Underwater Farting Contest at Central Festival produced some impressive performances… Drainage improvements are continuing apace in Jomtien in an attempt to solve the continuing problems with flooding. They identified one problem as a dead Russian blocking a storm drain but manage to dissolve him with a few gallons of Mr Muscle (other brands of Russian dissolver are available.) Tourist attractions in Pattaya are undergoing safety checks after a nasty incident in Chiang Mai when their Flight of the Gibbon turned into Plummet of the Canadian when a zip line broke and turned an unfortunate Canuck into a grease spot. As the old saying goes “If man was meant to fly, God would’ve given him Frequent Flyers Cards. Just a quick reminder for first time visitors to Pattaya that The Dog’s Bollocks is a sports bar and not a Korean restaurant. Staff at Pattaya’s shopping malls prepare themselves for the arrival of a new batch of quality tourists… Bar news time, and the recently deceased Mandarin has re-emerged as Rich A Go Go. Hidden and Bypass are now hidden and bypassed, or to put it another way, they’re both closed. Scooters has now opened on Soi 14 though it’s still recognisable as the Secrets of old - but with scooters. The Lucky Carousel Bar in the centre of Soi Diamond, which seems to have been around forever, is sadly around no more. Another bit of Pattaya heritage lost forever – unless it reopens of course. One place that will be reopening is Office A Go Go, which closed recently following a change of ownership. A Pakistani quality tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other day to report that his girlfriend of two hours had done a bunk with 3000 baht of his hard-earned while he was taking a shower. Dismayed at the apparent disinterest of the boys in brown, he protested that he was a Pakistani citizen and his human rights had been infringed, at which point he was told that he was a stinking pig and he didn’t have any rights at all, human or otherwise. He was then told to bugger off or he’d be arrested for wasting police time. And all this for 3000 baht. Was he taking the piss or what? Drift back through time now and revisit a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2009… “It’s been reported that monkeys have been catching buses to and from markets where they go to steal food. Very strange. Actually, it might be interesting to know whether they pay 5 or 10 baht on the bus. Then again, it might not. A rubbish tip in Na-Jomtien has been invaded by vast numbers of birds that have decided to settle there so they can feed on the tasty titbits in the refuse. Interestingly, they seem to be ignoring the discarded boxes of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC in favour of the abundant supply of worms on the site. All those birds can’t be wrong, so next time you fancy some fast food, get yourself a wormburger. You know it makes sense.” There’s a new campaign under way to tidy up Pattaya, so if you find any dead Chinese tourists lying about, please throw them into one of these and fill it in. Thank you for your co-operation… Officials in Nongprue have responded to complaints from local people about the floods in the area. They’ve said they don’t give a rat’s ass. Thailand has once again been honoured with the title of “least miserable economy” in an international Misery Index that seems to have a glass completely empty philosophy. Interesting to note that only one western country featured in the top five. Miserable gits. We can’t finish without mentioning that the election is over and we eagerly await the result next month so the country can enter a new era of peace, freedom and democracy. Cue the tanks… be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in again, and welcome to our election special where we can announce that the result is….well we don’t know yet, so let’s talk about something else. Terminal 21 Shopping Mall has issued an apology after it was caught on video giving preferential treatment to rich patrons over disabled customers. When asked if he could give an assurance that this wouldn’t happen again, a mall representative said “No, but when it does happen again we’ll apologise again.” Following reports of police raids on Pattaya chop shops, the police have issued a statement to make it clear that the raids in question were on garages and not gender reassignment clinics. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new strategy in which they plan to target Indian and Muslim tourists. The police have offered to help by loaning them a few of their best marksmen. Police searching for a missing Chinese tourist announce a breakthrough after they find his penis near Pattaya Beach… Pattaya is to host the World Weightlifting Championships in September but no Thais will be taking part as they’ve all been banned for drug infringements. Perhaps foot shooting would be a better sport for them. They’ve also had to withdraw from the 2020 Olympics, which is a great shame as several government ministers were expected to win medals in the dope test. The annual market held every year in Naklua came to an end on February 24 with something call “Walk and Eat.” This was reportedly followed by something called “Bend and Puke.” A local caterer is helping police with their enquiries. The local boys in brown have been coming under fire from residents and tourists for not enforcing the ban on motorcycles using the Pattaya Central Road Tunnel after several gangs of Thai yobs were spotted using it as a racetrack. A spokesman said the police didn’t have time for this as were too busy at the Najomtien roadblock extracting money from foreign tourists for passport and visa infringements - or anything else they could think of. Tourists arriving for a stay at their new beachfront hotel find it isn’t quite finished yet… This month’s bar news now, and there’s nothing much to report except a new Go Go on Soi Diamond called Nice, either as in pleasant or as in the city in France. Don’t suppose it matters which it is unless you’re a Frog, though it probably doesn’t matter to them either. Fancy some Korean Food? Then get yourself along to Babobros, a new Korean restaurant on Walking Street where Hot Girls A Go Go used to be. One bit of advice though. If you fancy a British dessert, don’t order the spotted dick – we’ve heard they make it out of offcuts from Dalmatians. Forward to the past once more with a couple of memories from Monkeywatch of March 2009… “The story of the moment just has to be the new proposal by City Hall to extend the width of the entire length of Beach road by 18 metres and possibly make it two way. This innovative idea could be of great benefit as it would give motorists a choice of two traffic jams to get stuck in after they’ve enjoyed a day relaxing on the remaining six inches of beach. A couple of Wednesdays ago, a bloke turned up at Banglamung Police Station to visit an imprisoned friend and was found to have loads of drugs stuffed in his pockets. His name, appropriately enough, turned out to be Atit, and the police have very kindly agreed to extend his visiting time by a couple of years.” The bloke who used to work in here was told to feed the sharks. Which he did. Just the once… There seems to a lot of British theme bars opening in Pattaya lately. Well one assumes that’s what they are as the beer’s warm and overpriced, the music’s too loud and the girls aren’t interested. New research has indicated that breathing in Thailand may mean you’ll die up to four years sooner. Unfortunately, the only alternative option will kill you a bloody sight sooner than that. An American trans queen visiting Thailand has said he finds the country to be more open to transgender people than the USA. No shit, Sherlock. And finally, a naked Thai chap was arrested at the Mike Orchid Resort on Second Road after he went berserk and trashed his hotel room. Not so much a Full Moon Party as a Keith Moon Party? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and join us as we celebrate the Chinese New Year, which this time around is the year of the pig – or in the case of Pattaya, the year of the stinking pig. Again. Oh well, off we go. Fans of the famous Dolphin Roundabout in North Pattaya will be pleased to know that it’s been resurrected. The dead dolphin found on Pattaya Beach, on the other hand, hasn’t. Pattaya officials have proudly announced that the Russian mafia have finally been driven out of the city. What they inadvertently forgot to mention is that they were driven out by the triads. Same same, but different. The police have followed this up by issuing a statement declaring that there are no Chinese mafia in Pattaya. This follows previous statements that there are no drugs and no prostitutes in the city. Linguists are still struggling to find a definition of the word “no” that fits comfortably with these statements. Best of luck, boys. Be the envy of your drinking buddies with the new “Barcrawler” – guarantees you a seat at every bar and you won’t even have to walk there… Now that the date for the upcoming election has been confirmed as March 24, the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association have been entrusted with the task of ensuring that the voting in the city is both free and fair. The PBTA, as they are generally known, should not be confused with LGBT (Lovers of the Great Beef Torpedo) as they are a respectable business organisation and not just a bunch of attention seeking poofs. Well, not all of them anyway. Actually, there’s talk of a new group emerging during the election campaign who are disaffected with the country’s membership of the ASEAN group and are advocating something called Thexit. Once free of this heinous organisation, their plans include the immediate deportation of all stinking pigs and the creation of a hard border by building a wall round the entire country. This will apparently free up 350 million baht a week that could be spent on the health service, but won’t be. Sounds promising. Once upon a time long ago there was a children’s TV film called “The Singing Ringing Tree”, an excruciating abomination from Germany that was probably made as an act of revenge for World War Two, that parents inflicted on baby boomers, probably as a form of aversion therapy to discourage them from watching too much television. Sadly, many of those same baby boomers can now be seen sitting in bars around Pattaya having to endure a new kind of aversion therapy known as “the drinking stinking pig.” Revenge for the British Empire? It said on the dating site that she was a real dish… Bar news this month kicks off with the demise of the long standing if nomadic Beach Club, which is to become part of an enlarged Happy A Go Go. Pin-Up A Go Go is joined by Tee Rak A Go Go as a new kid on the block on Walking Street. And the good old former Blues Factory is having another go at Go Go with the upcoming opening of Republic A Go Go. Sounds a bit Ruskie, that one. Speaking of which, the old Living Dolls 1 has been consumed by an expansion to the XO Club. The evil empire is expanding. Pattaya is currently training 120 new tourist assistants to “improve the tourist experience” for foreign visitors. At the end of the training period they will each be issued a stick with a ball on top, a variety of forged tickets and a large money bag to assist them in their endeavours. Now that’s what you call customer service. Vintage Pattaya memories now with a look at a couple of bits from Monkeywatch from February 2009… “The other Monday, police were called to an Exchange Booth on Second Road after staff reported that a Pakistani man had attempted to exchange counterfeit UK bank notes. The man was arrested but later released without charge when he pointed out that on current exchange rates the fake notes were actually worth more than real ones. A brand spanking new set of traffic lights has been installed on the Sukhumvit Road in Central Pattaya in an attempt to improve the flow of traffic in the area. Large numbers of people are expected to benefit from this imaginative scheme, mainly scrap dealers and undertakers.” Thai A Yellow Ribbon Round The Oil Palm Tree?... Pattaya officials and police held a meeting with baht bus drivers on February 8 during which the drivers were lectured about overcharging and insulting tourists. We spoke to one driver who said he didn’t bother to attend as he knew how to do those things already. Building work has restarted on Pattaya’s new football stadium and officials say they hope to have it completed by 2026. If you think that sounds like a long time, it might be worth noting that construction actually began in 2009. No point in rushing these things, is there? Finally, Valentine’s Day celebrations in Pattaya were a bit muted this year. Wonder if the decision by officials to rename it STD Day had anything to do with it? If they’d given it some thought they could’ve just shortened the name to VD and got both messages across together. But then when do Thais ever think before thy act? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for yet another year, and welcome to our Post Yuletide Hangover Edition – which means it’s much the same as all the others. Well, the New Year festivities went more smoothly than last year. None of the celebrity guests got thrown in jail and the fireworks lasted more than four minutes. Things can only get better. Officials have been back in Walking Street measuring the height of business signs and checking on sagging overhead cables for possible infractions of health and safety regulations. Just one business owner was reprimanded after he misinterpreted an official asking him “How are they hanging?” as a friendly greeting rather than a query about the ground clearance of his cabling. A toy vendor was attacked and knocked unconscious by a trio of assailants in an apparently motiveless attack on Beach Road just before New Year. The man is said to be recovering well though he reckons his Tonka will never be the same again. Would that be short time or long time?... The annual Wonderfruit Festival took place a few weeks ago at the Siam Country Club. Don’t they usually hold that at Tiffany’s? Pollution in Pattaya has been getting so bad lately that both seeing and breathing have been getting more difficult. The problem has been variously attributed to the weather, farm fires, roadworks and elephant farts. So nothing to do with cars, trucks and buses then. Okay, fine, let’s go get some corks and plug up some elephants. Problem solved. Pattaya officials are holding talks with a Chinese company about a embarking on beachfront improvement project. The idea of using a Chinese company is in part to reassure Chinese tourists that they need not be afraid to visit Pattaya as tourist safety is a top priority and there’s quite a good chance that most of them probably won’t end up dead (though they presumably won’t mention the Chinese tourist whose body washed up on Pattaya Beach just before Christmas.) Whatever it was, it’s been stolen… Bar news now, and there’s a curious new place opened on Soi 13/3 called Bollywood a Go Go. The signage suggests that they have Indian dancers, but also that it might be a dance bar rather than a Go Go. Either way, it seems to be aimed at Indian punters. Enter at your peril. Two new Go Go’s on Soi Diamond, Catwalk and Teerak, and there seems be possibly two more in the offing on Walking Street. Deep joy. Social Lounge & Bar has finally opened on Walking Street and looks to be a nice place to chill. And Mandarin has merged into Bypass – sounds more like a traffic report. Officials from Chonburi, along with the army and police, carried out a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other week in search of drugs and weapons, but none were found. The Prison Governor denied that they’d been tipped off about the raid, though he was unable to explain the ‘Welcome’ banner that adorned the main gate. Drift back to the heady days of January 2009 now with a duo of historic bits of Monkeywatch from that very month… “As you all know unless you haven’t been paying attention in class, Thailand has yet another new Prime Minister. As one Thai chap enthusiastically proclaimed, “We change our Prime Ministers as often as we change our underwear”. So that would be about once a year then. A Don’t Drink and Drive Parade was held on Beach Road just before Christmas to remind people of the perils they might face over the festive period. Banners were held aloft to persuade people not to drink and drive, unless of course they were using one of Thailand’s new hands-free drinking kits that allow imbibers to drink their bottle of whisky through a tube and thus keep both hands on the wheel and drive safely.” Another Arabian flight landed safely… A Chinese chappie is spending his New Year banged up in a police cell after lying to them about an alleged theft of a bag containing 754,000 baht. Turns out he was just trying to fit up a couple of other chinks he met at the airport after they had a row because he tried to swindle them. The man, who police referred to as “an evil vindictive yellow swine”, has been told he’ll either face a custodial sentence or be deported back to China. Hard to figure out which is worse. A website has rated Pattaya as the fourth healthiest city in the world. Yes, you did just read that. Presumably, none of the people who carried out this ‘study’ have actually ever been to Pattaya, and one would suspect that none of them were Chinese. Their healthiest city turns out to be Paris. Tell that to someone who’s just had his head kicked in by a grunt in a yellow vest. Finally, a bloke collapsed right outside the entrance to the Welcome Inn restaurant on Soi Khao Noi the other day and started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. Food critics are such bloody show-offs, aren’t they? be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, that is indeed the establishment in question.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a yuletide showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to Christmas in Giggle City. City Hall has announced that the Pattaya Countdown to New Year will take place on December 30-31. So when else would it be, in the middle of bloody April? It’s also been announced that from December 29 to January 1, all tourists and locals will be admitted to historical parks and museums free of charge, though there will of course be reduced rates for Thais. There’s been a shortage of girls in the bars lately as so many of them are still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after being disconnected from their smartphones for a whole day. O2 be in Thailand, now that winter’s here… Local officials are pleased to report that the clear up after the Loy Krathong festivities was completed much more quickly than usual. They did, however, neglect to mention this was because the recent floods washed most of the shit out to sea. Getting sunburn in Pattaya can be a thing of the past if you get yourself one of these handy portable trees… A 48 year old Walking Street freelancer was arrested last week after allegedly robbing a punter who'd taken her back to his hotel. 48 year old? He was robbed all right. Another Thai master criminal came to a sticky end a few weeks ago when he tried to rob a Pattaya gold shop. As soon as he produced a knife, the staff ran into a back room and activated all the locks, leaving the hapless would-be thief with no means of escape until the police arrived and arrested him. Turns out he was a mahout. Bet his elephant never forgets about this. Silly bugger. Pattaya had a ban on plastic bags for a day on 4 December for some reason or another. Might explain why the only girls working in the Go Go’s that night were the ones with natural tits. Once again, Pattaya leads the way with the first ever 16 cylinder pickup truck… Christmas bar news now, and fans of the old Club Blu might want to check out Lisa on the Beach, a new glass fronted coyote bar on the site of the recently closed We Are The World. Harem Club has opened on Walking Street, and Champion A Go Go closed down then strangely reopened upstairs. LoSo to HiSo? And there’s yet another Indian club opening in the building that used to be the CoCoon nightclub, reportedly once owned by a Jamaican bloke with a stammer. Looks like they’ll be employing Russian girls rather than Indians though. Shame. Local health volunteers have been told they must do more to prevent the spread of dengue fever. They appear to have taken the directive on board as they were last seen heading for a nearby mosquito-ridden swamp armed with submachine guns. Wind back a decade now with a duo of snippets from Monkeywatch of December 2008… “All hell broke loose on Pattayaland 2 last week when a lost monkey ran through several shops and started slinging all the goods around. It eventually disappeared into a shoe shop and hasn’t been seen since. When questioned, shop owners said they hadn’t bothered reporting the incident as the monkey had behaved better than most of their customers. Thai Environment Day was celebrated in Pattaya on December 4. Over 300 people took part in a bicycle ride, during which they collected rubbish from streets all around the city. Council workers are now clearing up 2000 beer cans, 1500 burger boxes and 500 gallons of urine left over from the party held to celebrate the event’s success.” There was controversy at this year’s annual Pattaya Frog Trampling Contest when some of the participants demanded a recount… Police arrested a Thai bloke a few days ago for stealing the clothes and belongings of a couple who’s gone for a late night swim at the north end of Pattaya Beach. They advised tourists who engage in such activities to “leave their belongings with a minder. “ Good advice, unless you don’t happen to be the Kray twins. Plans are already under way for next year’s Pattaya Night Run. This is an official event and is in no way related to the nightly event on Beach Road involving groups of ladyboys being chased up the road by local police. Finally, if you’ve seen a story entitled “Cambodian arrested for Koh Larn theft”, don’t worry. We’ve checked and it’s still there. Bloody fake news. Merry Christmas everyone. be seeing you monkeyman

If that'd been me we'd have headed off in the same direction.

Now we've got shitloads of Indian visitors, Indian hotels and Indian restaurants, it's about time we had some Indian Go Gos and Indian freelancers. I have a dream.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to Loy Krathong (it means “float scrote” or something.) New regulations come into force soon banning smoking within five metres of just about any type of building you care to name. Anyone found to be flouting these regulations will be fined 5000 baht. A local bar owner commented “Good idea. This should get smoking back indoors where it belongs.” A Brit living in Pattaya has been arrested for breaking into his neighbour’s apartment and stealing 3000 pounds sterling. He then realised that he hadn’t got anywhere to stash the cash so he went back to his neighbour’s place, stole his mattress and hid the money under there. When confronted by police, he denied the offence until he was shown CCTV footage of the entire incident, at which point he changed his mind and confessed – with the help of a few police batons. A Ruskie bloke found hanging in his condo in Jomtien is reported to have killed himself because he had toothache. On publication of the story, local sugar-based products suddenly all went on special offer. In times gone by, Pattaya cinemas were a little less luxurious than they are today… Pattaya celebrated the 106th National Police Day on October 16, though it was a fairly low key affair as all the gifts sent to the local police station were defused by the bomb squad before they went off. The bombs, that is, not the bomb squad, who remain on high alert for the upcoming Goat Buggering Festival at the local mosque. The Public Health Department are recruiting new staff to hunt for rats at Bali Hai Pier. One successful applicant said “This has got to be the easiest job in the world. It’d be harder to find a Muslim on Soi 16.” The opening of the new Terminal 21 shopping mall has created yet more traffic chaos in Pattaya, with thousands of Thais flocking there to gawp at stuff they can’t afford. Traffic police have been addressing the problem by painting no parking zones on the curbs next to gridlocked cars then arresting the drivers for parking violations. On the additional problems being caused by jaywalkers, the official advice was to “run them over.” The Chinese owned Zero Dollars Tour Company has just opened its first luxury hotel in Pattaya. No expense has been spared - the right hand room on the second storey even has aircon… Bar news kicks off with the closure of We Are The World beer bar, well known to devotees of the Soi 7 area and something of a local monument. Far East Rock 2 has now opened and Oasis A Go Go has reopened as predicted. There’s also a place called Duck Club opened on Soho Square. No idea what that’s about though. The national powers-that-be have decided that all cats and dogs in Thailand will in future have to be registered at a cost of 450 baht each. Pattaya restaurant owners have warned that this may price them out of the market as they’ll have to pass this cost on to their customers. Drift back in time now with a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in November 2008… “Well, Pattaya’s still pretty quiet at the moment, apparently because the fear of being blown to buggery in the unrest around Bangkok has resulted in 80 per cent of Asian tourists deciding to stay away. This is believed to have caused Pattaya’s income from tourism to drop by a catastrophic two per cent. Things haven’t been helped by the fact that it’s been pissing down for the last fortnight, so if you’re planning a visit in the near future, make sure you get an umbrella. You can buy them for 100 baht from street vendors or from the Nohab Convenience Store, on a stand between the Kevlar condoms and the Rebecca Adlington comedy noses.” Reckon this dude’s been in Pattaya just a bit too long… A Chinese tourist couldn’t have known what a shit storm he was about to unleash when he chucked a piece of litter on the ground at Bali Hai Port a few weeks back. His action was spotted by a municipal officer known as a ‘tessakit’ (or should that be ‘tosserkit’) and he was given an on-the-spot fine. However, as his tour boat was about to leave, a couple of guides on his tour kindly offered to sort the fine out for him. They did so, handed him the official receipt and asked him to stump up the cash. What they didn’t know was that the cunning little sod could read English and saw that the amount on the receipt had been altered to 3000 baht from 2000 baht, the figure that he’d also read clearly displayed on signs around the pier relating to this offence. He took the receipt to the police who concluded that it had been doctored by the guides to con him out of 1000 baht. The police referred the matter to the Chief of Immigration who immediately ordered the arrest and deportation of the guides for tampering with official documents and for working in Thailand illegally. He also ordered the arrest of the entire tour company staff for employing illegal workers and the deportation of the Chinese tourist and his tour group for being accessories. Bet he wishes he’d used a litter bin now. Silly bugger. Local officials are to make a video promoting Pattaya to Chinese tourists in an attempt to lure them back after a dramatic drop in visitor numbers. They’ve decided that the video should not make reference to Chinese tourists being killed in bus crashes, scammed, shot, mugged, drowned, beaten up or eaten by indigenous wildlife as this tends to send out a negative message. Best of luck to them but, to be honest, if the tourists have already been to Pattaya once then it’s pretty much a lost cause. They probably also won’t want to mention that two City Hall employees have just been arrested for extorting money from Chinese tourists by fining them and then pocketing the money. It’s gonna have to be one hell of a video. Finally, a Pattaya landlord was arrested last month after he killed one of his tenants for not paying his rent. Well he won’t be paying it now, will he? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s crop of crap. Well, the big news this month is that Pattaya has a new mayor who goes by the name of Sontaya Kunplome. Does that surname sound familiar? It should, as he’s none other than the big brother of Itthiphol Kunplome, the former mayor who was chucked out by the Junta when they came to power. And his first action as mayor was to appoint his brother’s Deputy Mayor back into his old job. The more things change, the more they stay the same. City Hall has come up with an inspired new solution to the problem of flooding on Beach Road, namely cutting holes in the promenade to allow the flood waters to drain away into the sea. This has now been done and after the first rainfall the flood waters did indeed drain away. Unfortunately, they took most of the new beach with them. Pattaya – the home of unintended consequences. Here’s an interesting fact. Thailand’s beaches have apparently all dropped out of Trip Advisor’s top 25 beaches in the world. A more interesting fact would be how the bloody hell they dropped in to start with. Laundry or lavatory?... Some new bus stops are being introduced in Pattaya to supplement the current ones that are being totally ignored by both drivers and public. What was that definition of insanity? Ah yes, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If you’ve already given up vaping, smoking and drinking alcohol on Pattaya Beach and think you’re safe from prison, think again. Dare to feed the pigeons from now on and the boys in brown will have you banged up in the slammer before your feet touch the ground. The war on serious crime marches on. The annual Pattaya Vegetarian Festival is being held this month and promises to return to its lively self, following last year’s quieter affair due to the royal mourning period. Get there early or you’ll miss the pig roast. This year’s annual Pattaya Wind Breaking Competition was won by this chap, Fart Simpson, who narrowly defeated his arch-rival Gaseous Clay… Not much in the way of bar news this month. Pheromone has closed down, and so has Eden Club (or has it reopened – it’s difficult to keep up.) Oasis A Go Go is also currently closed though one would expect it to reopen as it’s been around longer than the Acropolis. Pattaya police have arrested nine people who they described as hardened gamblers after raiding a dice game in South Pattaya. Their description of the gamblers as hardened presumably relates to the 317 boxes of pills for treating erectile dysfunction that were found at the scene. Time travel time now, with a look back at a duo of tales from Monkeywatch in October 2008… “Pattaya’s latest eco project is the building of a “crab condominium” to encourage breeding amongst the crab population which has been steadily diminishing of late. Local seafood businesses have welcomed the initiative, which is being promoted with the catchy slogan “If you want crabs, come to Pattaya”. A Thai couple in Pattaya recently came up with a novel way of stopping their house being burgled. They surrounded it with small statues of deities, since which time their house has never been broken into, despite several neighbours being the victims of burglaries. The house owner said that the thieves would not proceed beyond his fence because they were frightened by the statues’ mystical powers. He later called the police to report that his fence had been stolen.” The luggage arrived okay but the passengers were lost in transit… Some South Pattaya residents have been told by the Provincial Waterworks Authority that they’ll have to pay 350,000 baht if they want water in their homes. Someone should tell them to shop around – it’s much cheaper at the 7-Eleven. A Thai man was found dead by railway tracks last week after being hit by a train. The circumstances of his death remain unclear, though it’s been speculated that he was crossing the line and was taken by surprise by a train that was running on time. A tourist from Hong Kong has made a complaint about the way he was treated by Pattaya police after he got into in a punch up with a group of ladyboys who allegedly mugged him. All parties involved were arrested and fined, but the hapless tourist claimed that the ladyboys were allowed to keep his bag containing cash and possessions that he alleged were worth more than one million baht. He added that he’s an actor well known in Hong Kong and China. Yes, he probably is. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales of derring-do (and derring-don’t) from you know where. City Hall has decreed that 16 houses in Naklua must be demolished as they were built on public land. It was then pointed out that City Hall itself is built on public land and demolition work on the building is expected to begin shortly. Let’s hope they do a better job than in South Pattaya where similar enforced demolition work carried out by residents on their own homes resulted in rubble blocking the Bali Hai Interchange and causing traffic chaos. Accidentally, of course. Sanitation workers have given Jomtien Beach Road a good spraying after complaints that it stunk like sewage and garbage mixed together following recent storms. However, reports that they are planning to dish out the same treatment to tourists from certain ethnic groups have been hotly denied by sanitation officials. Beware, the Pattaya traffic wardens are on the prowl… Pattaya recently had the distinction of being the first city in Asia to host the final round of the Miss Lebanon Emigrant competition, a beauty contest for Lebanese women who have gone to live in countries such as Australia, the US and Canada. It’s rumoured that ladies such as these choose to emigrate from Lebanon because there are too many stinking pigs there, so they probably weren’t exactly over the moon when they found out the final was to be held in Pattaya. There’s been a spot of rain in Pattaya of late, though nothing to worry about as the flood waters have now all flowed into the sea. Unfortunately, they took a few hundred million baht’s worth of Pattaya’s new beach with them. A plan to send a team of navy divers to try to retrieve it has now been shelved as it was deemed to have about as much chance of success as the Beach Road CCTV and Wi Fi systems. As part of the beach smoking ban, Dongtan Beach has been equipped with a load of new no smoking signs and a load of ashtrays. Pretty much like most of the bars then. All these Indian tour buses parking on Beach Road are becoming a bloody nuisance… Bar news now, and Mandarin A Go Go has reopened after a change of management. Bypass A Go Go closed then reopened and Gold Club has reopened as Kink A Go Go, which is rumoured to be planning opening hours similar to Insomnia. Wonder how they plan to get away with that? Miami, on the other hand, has closed and this one looks to be more permanent. A sign erected to steer drivers away from a traffic congested road has ended up causing an even greater traffic congestion problem on the alternative route it recommends, as well as blocking the view of drivers wishing to use the intersection. When it comes to unintended consequences, they just keep raising the bar. Retro time now, with a pair of pieces from Monkeywatch in September 2008… “Thailand’s first observation satellite, THEOS, had its launch scrubbed for the third time on August 6. Apparently, they’re having difficulty finding a big enough milk bottle to launch it from. Police arrested a Thai chap on Third Road last week after he smashed up a phone booth. When questioned, he told the attending officers that the signal from the phone was disrupting his brain cells. His story was confirmed when further enquiries revealed that he was planning to get rich by opening a Go Go Bar.” Pattaya has unveiled its latest idea for attracting Chinese tourists… Street vendors are being told to stop using foam food containers in favour of something biodegradable, though it’s strongly suspected that some of the food they sell is less biodegradable than the boxes they put it in. Authorities have ordered a crackdown on a seafood restaurant following an online video showing Go-Go type dancers performing on a table at the establishment, saying tourists find such behaviour disgusting and offensive. Have to agree with the tourists on that one. Crackdowns have always been disgusting and offensive. Following a tip off, police raided Soi 8 the other night and arrested nine Thais for public gambling. Officers also seized dice, cards and a grand total of 140 baht. The organisers will apparently be facing a charge of running an unlicensed casino. Wonder if the phrase “sense of proportion” exists in the Thai language? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another month of mayhem in Giggletown. Local authorities have admitted that the restoration of Pattaya Beach is running months behind schedule. Reckon that would be about 90 months as the project originally started in 2011. Squirrel terrorists have been blamed for yet another electric cable fire in Pattaya, this time at the Sawangla Temple Bridge. Utility companies were contacted as a matter of urgency and finally showed up three days later to reconnect power, TV and internet connections for local residents who had become bored with having nothing to do except watch their houses burn to the ground. Officials have insisted that a pedestrian bridge in Sukhumvit is perfectly safe despite reports that a schoolboy who touched a steel rail ended up with no skin on his finger and his hair standing on end. Technicians were duly dispatched to the scene and a spokesman insisted that the bridge was perfectly safe anyway as others crossing at the same time hadn’t come to any harm. Perhaps they didn’t touch the rail? The Thai people are renowned for their diligence and hard work… We’re now six months into the beach smoking ban and it seems that City Hall isn’t all that keen to encourage police action as it might harm tourism, so instead local officials took a quick stroll along the cigarette butt infested beach, declared it smoke free and went back to their offices. Another success story for law and order. A Pattaya taxi driver had to apologise to a Korean tourist after he left him at a filling station midway through his journey from his hotel to Bangkok. The driver apparently refuelled his car then drove off without realising his passenger had got out to take a leak. Police were called and the driver duly returned to retrieve the hapless holidaymaker. “It was an easy mistake to make”, the driver remarked, “those little Korean buggers can be difficult to spot amongst a load of big bags”. A local restaurant owner is facing prosecution after the wooden floor of his establishment collapsed and 70 customers fell through into the water below. The owner assured police that such an incident would not occur again as he had now introduced a ban on fat people entering his premises. If you don’t want people to know you barfined a fat girl last night, it’s probably not a good idea to give her a lift home in the morning… Very little bar news to report this month. The former Maxim A Go Go has reopened as Hidden a Go Go. Eden Club closed yet again and reopened as a karaoke bar. No doubt it’ll close again in a few days. And Mandarin has closed and is up for sale. Any takers? In a new initiative to improve road safety, Pattaya is currently testing speed cameras in various places around the city. Officials said the tests were going well, though up to now the only speeding object detected by the cameras was a monk running out of a massage parlour during a police raid. A quick reminisce now with two tales from Monkeywatch in August 2008… “A Thai bloke was arrested the other Monday after being caught on CCTV stealing brass hose attachments to the value of 50,000 baht from the Royal Garden Plaza. When questioned by police, he explained that he needed the items to secure a length of hose to the inside of his boxer shorts as he was currently working as a Tom Jones impersonator in a local hotel. Walking Street has acquired a brand spanking new set of parking regulations, so now you can’t park on the left side of the street on even days and the right side on odd days. This idea was actually nicked from The Who, who told us in their song ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ that “a parking on the left is now a parking on the right, and the beers have all grown stronger overnight”. Pity they forgot to nick the last bit.” Wouldn’t like to meet the rabbit who did that lot… Pattaya Police Station now has a complaint section where people can go to report loan sharks. A spokesman said they decided to set the section up after they were informed that loan sharks attract a lot of interest from the public. Assurances have been given that the new crackdown on electronic waste doesn’t mean that you’ll go to prison for 10 years if you leave a light on when you go out. You’d have to do something as serious as vaping for that kind of punishment. And finally, a quick weather forecast. It’s gonna piss down. Happy holidays. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for turning up for another month, and welcome to this month’s tales of the unexpected (well they would be if they happened anywhere else.) On with the show. It’s been announced that Thailand manufactured more than 190,000 vehicles in the month of May, a considerable increase on last year’s figures and almost as many as were written off by Thai drivers during the same period. Impressive. Electric trolley buses are being trialled in Pattaya in what is presumably yet another attempt to overthrow the baht bus culture in Pattaya. As the saying goes, if it ain’t broke, fix it ‘til it is. Tourists have been blamed by locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly stickers. Tourists, on the other hand, have blamed locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly Thais. Touche. Not the best place in the world to go snorkelling… Police are hunting a beach vendor after he allegedly threatened to shoot a Chinese tourist unless he bought one of his crocodile bags. Having seen the quality of those bags, it was probably a tough choice. It’s been reported recently that a Pattaya taxi driver returned a lost bag containing 50,000 baht to a tourist and that this was a fine example of the honesty and integrity of the Thai people. What it doesn’t say is how much was in the bag before it was lost. The Thai Culture Ministry has issued a missive reminding tourists that sex toys are illegal in Thailand. They went on to say that people with urges should engage in an alternative activity such as visiting a temple, playing sport or meditating. Now that’d really give the Chinese tourists something to gawp at. Even the wheelie bins get pissed in this place… A busy bar news this month, with a bundle of new names emerging. Annabelle’s has become Panda A Go Go, Addiction is now Twenty Eight and Kaos is renamed Dolls LK. Yes A Go Go has finally reopened and there’s a rumour that Angelwitch may yet be resurrected. And remember Eden Club, the place that closed, reopened, closed again, reopened again and closed again? Yes, it’s reopened again, so get in there quick if you’re interested, but just order the one drink in case the place closes again before you have time to finish it. Hot Girls has closed down, so bad news for local darts and balloon manufacturers. Pattaya has announced plans to introduce bus stops like those in western countries in the belief that people will be more inclined to use them than the current red splodges. They plan to introduce stops with shelters and seating, which will be then liberally covered with fast food cartons, cigarette butts and urine in order to give tourists that true home from home experience. Look over the shoulder time now with a couple of oldies from Monkeywatch in July 2008… “We begin with a strange tale concerning the arrest in Pattaya Market last weekend of three men for impersonating monks. Well actually they really were monks, or at least they had been monks until three days before when they were defrocked and became ex-monks, so when they were arrested they weren’t monks anymore so they were in fact charged with pretending to be the monks they’d previously been. Well, that’s that cleared up then. Police raided two South Pattaya restaurants the other weekend and took away eight illegal Burmese immigrants. Two of them were being used as waiters and the other six as ingredients.” Police arrested two men after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach despite their claim that they were just borrowing it for a local production of Lawrence of Arabia… Bali Hai Pier is to install shaded waiting areas for boat passenger after local businesses said they were no longer prepared to sweep up all the dead Chinese tourists who’d fallen victim to the intense heat. “The bloody council send all these little yellow buggers down here and then expect us to clear up the mess” complained one disgruntled businessman. “Why can’t they send them back to the beach and let the tide get rid of them?” The official in charge was approached for comment but was said to be unavailable due to an urgent appointment with a bottle of Mekhong Whisky. Thailand has decided to reintroduce the death penalty after a gap of nearly 10 years. The announcement was quickly followed by the disbandment of large numbers of bridge clubs and darts teams. Some good news and some bad news about Pattaya Beach. The good news is that the rats are starting to move out. The bad news is they’re being evicted by cockroaches. There goes the neighbourhood. Finally, Pattaya authorities have come up with yet another ban, coupled with a 3000 baht fine, on passengers standing in or on the back of baht buses. So how will they get to the seats then? be seeing you monkeyman

Gives a whole new meaning to getting hammered.

There's been a whisper that the place may yet be saved. We await further developments.

That question could apply to a few other places in the vicinity.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another lap of the Pattaya track. Three katoeys have been fined 2000 baht apiece for indecent behaviour after some five year old footage of them flashing their tits in public was posted on social media. Hang on a minute, katoeys are men according to Thai law, are they not? Not sure where this is going, but better keep those shirts on, lads. The new boss of Pattaya’s traffic police has decreed that traffic cops will in future have to start work at the earlier time of 6:30am so they are on duty when the morning rush starts. Good idea – the rush of tourists going back to their rooms at that time can be a bloody nightmare. Local authorities have warned swimmers to stay off Bang Saray Beach. This would seem to be good advice as the swimming experience is definitely enhanced when one leaves the beach and gets into the water. Wonder what Car SOS would make of this… (For those who don’t know, Car SOS is a Brit TV series in which classic cars are restored to their former glory by a failed drummer and an irritating homosexual.) An Indian bloke who told police he’d been beaten up by Thai mafia on Pattaya beach is to be prosecuted and deported for working illegally in the country. A race relations spokesman said “If these stinking pigs think they can come to this country and slander our law-abiding citizens, they can bloody well think again.” There’s a lesson we can all learn from this, but we’re buggered if we know what it is. A Pattaya motorbike taxi driver has been fined 500 baht for kicking a German tourist in the face. The driver said he’d actually wanted to kick a Thai in the face but couldn’t afford to pay the 10,000 baht fine for that offence. He promised that he’d never do it again, so next time he fancies kicking someone in the face he’ll presumably have to check out their ethnicity first. There was panic in Mohammed Alley (Soi 16) last week after it was misreported that Pattaya was planning to send in a crew to eradicate all the muzzies with insecticide before the rainy season began. The authorities confirmed that the word should have been ‘mozzies’ but sent a crew to Soi 16 anyway. Did you really think those red splodges were paint?.. A few more changes on the bar scene, the most significant being the closure of Angelwitch after 12 years. Shame really. Good place in its heyday and always a favourite with the ladies. Last month we reported that Eden Club had closed, reopened, closed again and reopened again. Well, it’s closed again. Either that or they’ve got a very slow neon sign. Yes A Go Go still hasn’t reopened despite two missed deadlines. Atlantis, the new incarnation of Sweethearts, has now opened its doors and early reports seem to be positive. Indian clubs are making further inroads into Walking Street. The Rajah Indian Dance Club has finally opened, but surprisingly all the house dancers are Russians. Or maybe not so surprising. Maya, the Indian nightclub on the premises of the old FLB Bar that closed down shortly after opening last month, has now reopened. Seems to be a lot of this going on with new bars, presumably problems with getting new licences (let’s not start on that again.) A charitable organisation has donated over 200 pairs of spectacles to local residents following a series of eye examinations. The lucky residents duly put on their new spectacles, had a quick look round, then packed their bags and moved out. Another trip into the murky past now with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2008… “Police arrested a young Thai chappie the other Thursday morning after he nicked a fire truck and crashed it into an unsuspecting tree. He told the arresting officers that he only did it because he wanted to be on television and it was better than auditioning for American Idol. It probably required more talent as well. Twenty street vendors were arrested on Walking Street last weekend following alleged complaints by tourists about their somewhat aggressive marketing techniques. Several of the vendors were found to be carrying armfuls of flowers and were frogmarched to the police station where they were charged with armed shrubbery. The rest, who had been asking to take pictures of tourists, were charged with possession of hardcore photography.” Get your replacement baht bus tyres here… Walking Street is to have a facelift next year to make it more family friendly. This may sound like bad news, but all they seem to be planning to do is to remove the famous Hanging Wires Of Pattaya (one of the 7-Eleven Wonders of the World) and bury them underground. Whether they plan to reconnect them as well is currently unclear, but what in the name of hell’s trousers does all this have to do with families anyway? And how will the tour officials sell this? “Oh yeah, Walking Street used to be one big brothel but since they installed underground cables it’s a great place to take your family.” Unbelievable. Naklua has failed to get an accreditation as an ecotourism destination after receiving what is believed to be the lowest ever score in a sustainable tourism test. It received a ‘C’ rating, the lowest designation possible, though the test result has prompted the tourism ministry to consider introducing a ‘D’ rating for future such cases of catastrophic failure. It’s been reported that three Thai men disguised as women have been arrested for robbing tourists on Walking Street. And this is news? Ah, hang on, it seems they weren’t ladyboys but men dressed up as women. This place gets more gender confused by the minute. Finally, police launched a special anti-crime initiative during this weekend’s Pattaya International Fireworks Festival which they named “Make Pattaya Liveable.” This is to distinguish it from their normal operations which are generally known as “Make Pattaya Laughable.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to the post Songkran period where everybody is drying out, a rare sight indeed. Well, Songkran came and went without much drama, just the usual few hundred people killed, mainly in road accidents. People who think this is quite a lot really don’t understand the psyche of the average Thai road user. In most places, if another car overtakes you, the driver just wants to go a bit faster than you, so okay. To a Thai bloke, you’re not just overtaking him, you’re laughing at his dick, and that makes men angry. Well, apart from Japanese men in Pattaya, but one supposes they’ve just got used to it over time. To add more colour to the festivities, tourism and culture chiefs urged everyone in Thailand during Songkran to wear retro-Thai costumes. So what exactly would that be then – Singha vests? Some Thai women have been speaking out following the government’s advice that they should dress more modestly during Songkran to avoid getting raped. The women said that it was none of the government’s business and that it was the right of every woman to get raped in any clothes she chose. Another hard-fought victory for feminism. Could this be one of those underground casinos we keep hearing about?... The Pattaya Beach restoration project has been halted yet again after it was discovered that, for the third time, the consignment of sand that was brought in didn’t match that of the current beach. It’s now been sent away to be blended with faeces, plastic bottles, cigarette butts, tin cans, fast food containers, used condoms and miscellaneous bodily fluids in an attempt to make a perfect match. That should do it. A media group were treated to a tour of Bali Hai Pier dock a couple of weeks back by the Governor of Chonburi, who proudly pronounced that the area was completely safe for tourists. A couple of hours later, a mass brawl took place at that very location and went viral on Facebook after footage of the altercation was posted by an onlooker. Some say this sort of thing damages the image of Pattaya. Others say it leaves it exactly where it is. The plummeting season is well under way, with people flying off balconies left, right and centre. Local police say they’re fed up of having to investigate these incidents as it’s not easy to interview a pool of goo. This man was arrested after trying to hire a small paddle boat. Police suspect he may be a pedalophile… A look at the latest bar news now, and it’s all getting a bit multinational. Anyway, we’ll start with Eden Club, which we reported as closing last month and then reopening. Well, it’s closed again – and reopened again. Yes A Go Go has closed and will reopen after a refurb. Annabelle’s has closed but is rumoured to be reopening under Chinese owners. Wonder who their target audience will be? Bypass A Go Go closed and then reopened as New Bypass A Go Go (they obviously worked really hard on that name) now featuring “many beautiful Czech women”, a description that isn’t entirely true as the dancers aren’t beautiful and aren’t Czech. The bars in Mohammed Alley (Soi 16) have already been largely rebuilt following the fire that sank Titanic Bar and several surrounding cesspits, though the general consensus was that things should have been left alone as the conflagration had improved the area no end. It seems appropriate at this point to mention that there’s a new place called Rajah Club opened on Walking Street. They’re currently advertising for attractive coyote dancers. Don’t fancy their chances. And the good old FLB Bar premises have reopened as an Indian nightclub called Maya. Probably deep in the Maya before long. And now some chicken news. Chicken World has closed down, though we’re not sure whether it was a restaurant or a theme park. Never mind though, we now have a new place called the Pig and Chick, which is presumably aimed at mongers and their Thai companions. We expect to see the Stinking Pig and Chick opening on Mohammed Alley before too long. Back to the good old days with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of May 2008… “The annual crocodile egg eating competition took place on May 1 at Pattaya Crocodile Farm, in which prizes are awarded to the contestants who can eat 10 crocodile eggs in the quickest time. The prizes of 10,000 and 5,000 baht were both won by Thai tourists, though their victory was short lived as one of the crocodiles managed to escape and proceeded to devour both winning contestants. The organisers apologised for this small mishap and awarded first prize to the crocodile as it was judged to have eaten the 20 eggs contained within the hapless participants. There was a meeting of police officers at City Hall a couple of weeks ago to discuss the continuing problem with crime in Pattaya. Those attending were told to ensure that crimes involving foreign tourists were resolved quickly as it was the job of the police to create a good image for the city. They were then told to ensure that all bars stayed closed for the following two weekends. Bit of a dilemma, eh chaps? The other night, a naked Korean bloke was caught wandering around the streets of Pattaya. He was reported to have a bottle of sun tan lotion and a chrome whistle tied to his dick. On being arrested, he allegedly told police that he’d been to a fancy dress party as Dongtan Police Station.” The sign has been changed after it attracted several enquiries from cannibals… A couple of Italian tourists had a bit of a surprise the other week when the driver of the baht bus they were travelling in got into a gunfight with a truck driver after he tried to overtake them in an aggressive manner. Despite the Italians surrendering after the first shot was fired, the battle continued and the lucky baht bus driver only managed to escape being shot in the leg because his penis got in the way. Police are examining CCTV footage of the incident and are hoping to edit it into a spaghetti western. Police have arrested yet another Thai cop impersonator after he deprived some stinking pig of his worthless chattels. Apparently, he just walked up to the bloke and demanded to see his passport. When the document wasn’t forthcoming, he emptied his victim’s pockets and pissed off into the sunset with his ill-gotten gains. Reckon Thailand must be the only country in the world to have more police impersonators then Elvis impersonators. Finally, the owner of a beer bar on 2nd Road has sent CCTV footage to local media in an attempt to identify a bloke who walked into his bar while it was closed and took a shit in the middle of the floor. Must have been the local entertainment critic. be seeing you monkeyman

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s humble offering. US tour operators have urged Thailand to make greater efforts to attract American tourists. They might, however, wish to reflect on the possibility that the bans on drinking and smoking on the beach, vaping anywhere at all and the attempts to rid the country of pool tables, dance floors, dartboards and card games may just suggest that attracting American tourists isn’t exactly at the top of Thailand’s current agenda. Thailand has launched a big crackdown on cichlid traffickers after an official misread a directive from the national authorities. Local prisons are now overrun with small fish, but the big fish all got away scot free. No change there then. Thailand and Pattaya’s new family friendly image took a bit of a knock the other Wednesday after 18 family tourists were killed in a small traffic incident. It’s still a great place to bring the family though– particularly if you want to go home single. As Liverpool Football Club is very popular in Thailand, they’ve chosen Pattaya to launch a new range of club-branded toiletries, including a fragrance aimed at fans who’ve never used one before. They’ve named it “You Never Wore Cologne.” New signs have been put up on Beach Road to remind tour buses not to allow their passengers to disembark outside the designated parking areas… Not content with darts, pool and dancing licences, the authorities have announced that, with immediate effect, sex will be prohibited in Pattaya unless the participants are in possession of a sex licence. There is, of course, no such thing as a sex licence. To make sure this new directive is strictly enforced, no girl will be able to leave a bar with a farang unless they’re accompanied by a monk. It’s still unclear at this time whether or not a barfine will be payable for the monk. Local inspectors have visited Soi 16 (aka Soi Stinking Pig and Mohammed Alley) to investigate the aftermath of the fire caused by a faulty transformer that burnt several bars to the ground. They’d just agreed that the incident had improved the look of the area no end when some nearby power cables ignited due to a short circuit and set fire to a local restaurant. The building was hastily evacuated and no casualties were reported except for one of the waiters who fell over and bent his dickie. There’s a disturbing trend where airlines flying to Thailand have been downgrading their Scum Class cabins by adding an extra seat to each row. A spokesman for one airline said “If passengers find it too cramped, they can downgrade even further to Stinking Pig Class where we get rid of the seats altogether and chuck in a cartload of straw and a few shovelfuls of elephant shit.” Buy one of these supersize bottles of water and you get a free fizzy drink and a complimentary brick… Bring on the bar news, and we start with a new Walking Street venue called Maxim A Go Go that’s replaced the short-lived Marylyn A Go Go. Let’s see how long this one lasts. Club Eden on Soi Diamond closed down only three days after it opened, allegedly because they didn’t have the right licences. It’s now reopened – guess they must have chucked the dartboard out. Actually, there’s been a development on the darts saga, namely that the formerly mythical darts licences can now be applied for (bloody hell, that was quick.) However, having looked at the processes one has to go through to obtain one, it’d probably be easier to get hold of a licence to produce weapons of mass destruction. Misbehaving monks have been in the spotlight yet again after one of them was filmed having a crafty wank on a bus. No police action appears to have been instigated, so it looks like his character will be unstained – which is more than can be said for the seat of the bus. Another whiff of yesteryear, with a couple of old tales from Monkeywatch back in April 2008… “A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin. Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard.” Always wondered what happened to the old entrance to X-Zone… You know how cramped aircraft toilets are? Well a bloke flying home from Thailand decided to have a wank in one of them and accidentally slammed his dick in the door. The flight attendants managed to get him loose and gave him a free upgrade to First Class as they thought he’d done it deliberately and so assumed he was a freemason. As the mountain of garbage on Koh Larn continues to grow unabated, local officials have been ordered to deal with the problem by employing “less thinking and more acting.” Isn’t that how they deal with everything? A video has just been released in which the authorities proudly claim that Pattaya is about to become the Miami of Asia. As in Miami Vice? As it’s All Fools Day this month, eagle eyed readers may have spotted one or two little fibs cleverly concealed between the unwavering truths of the other stories. If you didn’t, the stories that couldn’t possibly happen in real life were the true ones. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare look at what’s been going down – and up and sideways. Just in case anybody doesn’t already know, it’s been announced that Songkran will be extended to five days this year. A local spokesman said “Now we’ve taken steps to get rid of those lowlife scum who came to Pattaya to play bridge, we’re hoping this move will replace them with some real quality tourists.” Guess it’ll all be water over the bridge. Local fishing boats are the latest thing to come under official scrutiny and have been checked to make sure they hold the correct licences (I think we can see where this is going.) Well no actually, as this is one of those exceptional cases where the licence actually exists before the inspection. However, one of the boat owners was arrested as the only licence he was able to produce was a darts licence. And as we all know, there’s no such thing as a darts licence. The public meeting held recently to discuss Pattaya’s upcoming development plan highlighted several differences of opinion as to which of the City’s ills needed the most urgent attention from the authorities. The locals seem to be most worried by the build-up of trash and garbage, which seemed to be arriving by the coachload on a daily basis. Flooding and sewage overflows are also high on the list of concerns. The authorities, on the other hand, seem to be more concerned about drug, traffic and road safety issues. The police reckoned all these problems could be solved by raiding more bars. So they did. These locally designed tinted windscreens are proving to be very popular with Thai motorists… The leaning tower of Pattaya, or to be more precise, the leaning pole of Soi Buakhao, has finally been repaired after no less than 10 years of petitioning by locals who considered it to be a danger to the public. The pole, which supported a spaghetti of electrical cables and wiring, was restored to an upright position using construction equipment after an earlier and less expensive attempt using Viagra proved unsuccessful. An international report has voted Thailand to be the best country in the world to start a business. Shortly after the announcement was made, shares in local chrome pole manufacturing companies hit an all-time high. An Italian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station at around midnight the other weekend and related a strange tale to the officers on duty. He claimed that two women had arrived at the condo where he was staying to look the place over as they were planning to buy it. He let them in and showed them around but then suddenly passed out and, when he came round, the women had gone and so had 200,000 baht in cash and a necklace worth a further 80,000 baht. Further, he said he hadn’t eaten or drunk anything during their visit. The officers viewed his story with some suspicion, as they thought it unusual that someone, even an Italian, would let a pair of complete strangers inspect a property at 10 o’clock in the evening and then become unconscious for no apparent reason. When questioned, the security officer at the building said he hadn’t seen any women going in, and police are now examining CCTV footage for any clues. It’ll be interesting to see how this story pans out. We think he was either wopped over the head or he’s just telling woppers. Police are investigating after an Indian tourist reported that his hotel room had been broken into… Okay, let’s do some bar news. DClub A Go Go on Walking Street has closed (did anyone ever notice it was open?) Looks like Addiction Club on Soi Diamond has gone into rehab, as there’s no sign of life there now. It’s been said many times that any farang thinking of marrying a Thai wants his head examined. Well it looks like the Thais agree, because they’re going to make it compulsory. Yes, there’s a new directive from Immigration that farangs who want to indulge in nuptials with Thai ladies (or whatever) will have to agree to undergo psychological testing. Who the hell would want to go through that? We reckon that anybody who agrees to have their brains tested needs their brains testing. Forward to the past once again with a brace of bits and bobs from Monkeywatch way back in March 2008… “In a bold move to relaunch itself with an exciting new image, Blue Lagoon 2 has moved its door from the right to the left hand side of the bar. It’s certainly increased their custom, as there’s still six piss artists in there bouncing off the right hand wall trying to get out. The authorities did a quick tour of inspection around the Walking Street bars the other Wednesday to check that there were no employees under 18 working there. The only one they found was a monkey holding a tin cup, who was subsequently charged with being underage and demanding money with menaces.” Tourists have been complaining that these souvenir bottles of Pattaya seawater are fakes as the water isn’t the right colour… It was reported the other week that a Thai man had been arrested for preparing a monkey for dinner. So what did he do? Dress it in a tuxedo and make it wash its hands? There was a big fire yesterday on Soi 16 (Soi Stinking Pig) after a transformer exploded and set fire to Titanic Bar. Latest reports say it went down with all hands. Wonder if the band kept playing? Finally, Thai men have reportedly been moaning about how hard it is to find themselves a girl in Bangkok. Are they taking the piss or what? It seems that they reckon Thai women have impossibly high standards. Well, you only have to look at some of the couples wandering around Pattaya to see just how right they are. be seeing you monkeyman

Get involved with something like Google Ads and the next thing you know there'll be problems with "inappropriate content" upsetting their advertisers and they'll effectively end up dictating what we can and can't post (remind anyone of another board?) That would be the end of this board as we know it. LordFlash's suggestion is certainly worthy of further consideration.