Monkeywatch - October 2014

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap from the bra tit of Thailand, and welcome to this month’s montage of military mayhem.

 

New figures just released by City Hall show the number of tourists visiting Pattaya this year is projected to be 1.5 million down on the 2013 total. Sounds like a couple of Chinese tour parties must have cancelled.

 

Pattaya’s deckchairs are the latest target for the boys in green, with strict rules being laid down for the numbers and formations permissible. All they need to do now is rename the beach ‘Titanic’.

Police visited Pattaya Remand Prison the other Thursday morning to search for contraband items in the cell blocks. The items they found were later put on display, including a miscellaneous selection of porn, a bow tie that lights up, a plastic dog turd, a signed photograph of Sherpa Tensing and a homemade bingo set, apparently made with ping pong balls from a local Go Go Bar. Police are now searching for the girl who smuggled them in. They must be short of a cabaret act for their Christmas party.

This swarthy looking tourist approached several jet ski operators to enquire about hiring a small paddle boat before he was arrested by police on suspicion of being a pedalophile…

 

 

Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”.

 

We also carried a story last month about an Algerian who was thrown off a plane for being a stinking pig. However, it seems that the man, although of Algerian ethnicity, was actually born in Paris and is therefore a Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey. Apologies for the error and for any offence that may have been caused to Algerians and stinking pigs everywhere.

 

A prominent local business figure was lucky to escape injury when his expensive executive limousine was written off after he drove it into the back of a parked coach in South Pattaya. The man refused to explain the events leading up to the crash, though it does prove that even white double decker coaches are difficult to see at night – especially when you’re pissed as a fart.

 

You can always spot a Muslim bar. The toilet rolls are stamped “medicated with ISIL.”… (anybody get that?)

 

Time for bar news now, and not too much to report this month. Hot & Cold on Soi Post Office is now cold – as in closed. Walking Street has two new Go Go’s as Infinity and Spicy Girls both open their doors to Joe Public for the first time. The latter does apparently have a tenuous link to the old Spicy Girls on Pattayaland 2 – probably still got the same girls as well. And it looks like there’s another two new Go Go Bars shaping to open up in Walking Street - watch this space. Or better still, watch the two spaces on Walking Street vacated by beer bars.

A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary.

It’s being said by some that 2000 baht ST is the going rate in Go Go bars these days. As soon as they ask a punter for 2000 baht, he goes.

 

There are some nice girls on Beach Road, but be careful that you don’t end up with a starfish…

 

 

A fruit vendor was arrested in South Pattaya the other Friday after it emerged that he had three outstanding arrest warrants against him. Against a fruit vendor? For what? Carrying a loaded mango? Brandishing a banana with intent to cause a breach of the peace? Using a pineapple in a built-up area? First hate crime, now fruit crime. Be afraid – be very afraid.

 

The Oscar Pestorius trial verdict seems to have created a stir, even in Thailand. Someone in the courtroom was allegedly arrested for shouting “kaffir” at the judge but was released after convincing the police that he’d just sneezed. Reckon if Charles Manson had been tried in that court he'd have probably got off with a fine.

 

And finally, you can forget Pattaya bar girls, everybody’s saying Koh Tao is the best place to go if you’re looking for a real killer hoe.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Well well, another month and another Pattaya experience. I was surprised that the Indian gent was called Mr Getupan Singh. I was sure that he was called Mahatma Coat, but there you go.

 

You are to be congratulated for not suggesting that Pistorius didn't have a leg to stand on and that being guilty and obnoxious was all that was required for aquital.

 

To quote the paint advert "Keep on keeping on". Thanks.

[N3RGT]

I get it ...... ISIL.... IZAL... defunct toilet disinfectant powder from the 1950's UK ??

Edited October 2, 2014 by N3RGT

[monkeyman]

I get it ...... ISIL.... IZAL... defunct toilet disinfectant powder from the 1950's UK ??

 

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

[jacko]

 

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

Wasn't that the hard shiny stuff that was at the schools?

More of a spread than a wipe!

Edited October 2, 2014 by jacko

[MM]

Monkeyman, the last line of your contribution was so deliciously non-PC.

[nkped]

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

 

That conjures a really weird visual.

[teelack]

Monkeyman, the last line of your contribution was so deliciously non-PC.

 

Yes but I wish that I had thought it first!

[monkeyman]

Wasn't that the hard shiny stuff that was at the schools?

More of a spread than a wipe!

 

Too right. Anybody who says schooldays are the best days of your life obviously never had to use that stuff.

[Basil B]

 

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

Rolls, I remember when it came as sheets in a box, also remember the outside privy, with plenty of ventilation, it was a product for the upper class, rest of us had to use newspaper, rather greasy like the chips that came in it.

 

Talk about recycling...

Edited October 6, 2014 by Basil B

[rnine]

Wasn't that the hard shiny stuff that was at the schools?

More of a spread than a wipe!

I had the best results with folding it in half and scraping!!!

 

 

 

Sorry...... Toilet humour....

Edited October 8, 2014 by rnine

[GlynRhedyn]

Wasn't that the hard shiny stuff that was at the schools?

More of a spread than a wipe!

Indeed, was like wiping your arse with grease-proof paper.

Glyn.

[MeGoDanceNow]

Luxury. At my old school in Montreal, they gave us sheets of sandpaper to wipe ourselves with. We thought we'd died and gone to heaven.

[nkped]

My first time in Thailand, 74-75, if you used locally produced toilet paper, you worried about splinters.

[Nightrider]

Nice one Monkey as per usual.........