Bar Humor

[sinbinjack 251]

would that by any chance be Biden's new number 2 ?.

[kuranda_bagman 135]

5 hours ago, sinbinjack said:

would that by any chance be Biden's new number 2 ?.

Correct

[awesum4 2,333]

This is one of my favourite threads,  can you please stop posting political stuff before it gets moved to the P&R section.

[VPI78 11,507]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a  bar or hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too.

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

Who is a better friend, your wife or your dog? 

Your dog is. And it's easy to prove.

Simply lock your wife and dog together in the trunk of your car and go for a drive for about half an hour. Then drive home and open the trunk.

Which of the two will be happy to see you?

[VPI78 11,507]

It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'

The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he's a coach for the Liverpool football team.'

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,507]

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

[sinbinjack 251]

8 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

Dont get it ?.why is this funny?.

[VPI78 11,507]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperately for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared.

The Englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support "Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver." The Scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart."

And then the rather mentally challenged Irishman said, "I support Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

On another post, a member was looking for help finding a good VPN. I wish I could have helped. I don't understand anything after VPL.

 

[VPI78 11,507]

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"

"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."

"What?" "Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."

"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

[VPI78 11,507]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[VPI78 11,507]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,507]

An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

 "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,507]

A Redneck walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He asks the bartender why is there a donkey in here and the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars.

So BillyBob whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the BB turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying.

The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked BB how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry?

BillyBob said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, then I showed him.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,507]

One day two best friends Tommy and Bobby were walking down the forest when suddenly a large cobra jumped on Tommy's leg and bit his dick. Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor, "Quick Quick I need your help; my friend got bit by a cobra on his penis."

The doctor told him "Son you're gonna have to suck the venom out yourself." 

Bobby asked, "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom." The doctor says; "Sorry there's nothing we can do." So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Tommy says with pain; "So what did the doctor say?"

Bob says; "Doc said you're gonna die."

[VPI78 11,507]

2 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Just now, VPI78 said:

Ah ... You fell for the old "102 Dalmation" scam ....

[VPI78 11,507]

48 minutes ago, Bullfrog said:

Ah ... You fell for the old "102 Dalmation" scam ....

It was udderly embarrassing.

[VPI78 11,507]

[VPI78 11,507]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"