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I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

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3 hours ago, VPI78 said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Brilliant.....made me laugh out loud.....

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On 6/7/2019 at 8:33 PM, forcebwithu said:

Now I'm really confused as to which is the original.

Related image

 

All I know is that the guy next to the no cuts sign appears to have taken cuts.

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Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken so alike?

 

By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left  is the  greasy box to put your bone in.

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An airplane was about to crash, there were 4 famous passengers on board but only 3 parachutes left.

The first passenger said, "I'm LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player there is. My fans need me. I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump said "Out of my way. I'm President of the USA and I'm going to be the greatest and cleverest President in American history." So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fourth passenger, a Rabbi and said, "I am old, frail and don't have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The Rabbi turned to him and said: "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallit bag.

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1 hour ago, BigusDicus said:

 

 

Pillage.jpg

Hell.jpg

Chew.jpg

I love the last photo....

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! 
There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened 
and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. 
This is Air Force One...”

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This one is somewhat lavatorial.

Having drunk several beers and eaten an Indian curry prior to boarding, a passenger on the night train from Glasgow to London feels his stomach churning and realises that he needs the toilet pretty damn quick. He rushes down the corridor, tries the door handle of the toilet and - the toilet is engaged. With not a second to spare, and seeing as it's dark outside, he deperately slides the train window down, drops his trousers, sticks his bare bum out of the window and discharges a stream of diarrhoea into the night. Relief.

Unfortunately this splatters all over a porter who is wheeling some mail sacks down the platform in a country station that the train was passing at the time, and he's furious as the train speeds off into the night. He gets on the phone to his brother, who is a policeman in the next town.

"John, the Glasgow-London express has just passed through, and some bastard on board has thrown a load of shit all over me, can we do anything?"

"Well, if we're quick I can get the train stopped when it reaches here, and we can take him in for assault. Can you give me a description of the bastard?"

"Well, the train was moving fast and it's dark, but I got a fleeting look at him. He has a centre parting, a very long nose and really swollen tonsils."     

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