Monkeywatch - March 2020

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers and core coon crap for joining us once again, though you probably haven’t got much else to do at the moment. Ho hum.

Predictably, the Kung Flu is still dominating the news in Pattaya. City Hall has announced that pretty much everything has been cancelled for the next six months, including Songkran, the Pattaya Music Festival and the Beach Road Frog Trampling Contest. A long list of cancelled events has been published, though most people don’t seem to have been aware that most of these events existed in the first place. As Joni Mitchell once said, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. And you probably don’t give a monkey’s bollock (she didn’t say that bit.)

If that wasn’t enough, it was announced that tourists arriving from certain countries would be asked to quarantine themselves for 14 days. Not much fun if you’ve come to Thailand for a fortnight’s holiday. Though there’s not much chance of that for a while.

There’s been some controversy over farangs not wearing masks in Thailand during the current outbreak. Thais seem to be of the opinion that foreigners should be respectful of their culture at this time. So you’ve been told. Wear a mask, eat lots of bugs and drive at 100 mph while pissed out of your mind.

Pattaya hotels are refurbishing their rooms in anticipation of the return of the Chinese tourists. Here’s one they’ve just finished…

A Chinese chap who’d been to visit Pattaya with a tour group was later found tied up and bundled into a suitcase that had been chucked into the sea. The cause of death hasn’t yet been established though police say they haven’t ruled out suicide. Makes you wonder what they have ruled out.

The Health Minister got himself into a spot of hot water after pontificating that Europeans were dirty, didn’t take showers and brought coronavirus to Thailand while fleeing the disease in their own countries. So nothing to do with the Chinese then. Doesn’t come as any surprise really. It’s generally accepted that the Thais don’t like Westerners. Or Russians. Or Chinese. Or Indians. Come to think of it, they don’t seem to like each other too much. Let’s face it, they can’t abide anybody. Welcome to the Land of Smiles.  

Not content with his previous rant, the minister is now trying to get all the bars, restaurants and nightclubs to stay shut at least until Hell freezes over. Talk about kicking a country when it’s down. We hereby nominated him for the 2020 “Biggest Tosspot Since Purachai Award.” In more enlightened times this man would have been burned at the stake.

Pattaya is already preparing to welcome the return of the Chinese tourists with a traditional Thai noose party…

Bar news time, and even before the current shutdown it was all all doom and gloom with multiple closures, including three long-established names. Living Dolls Showcase, Heaven Above, Rich, Runway and Club Nevada have all bitten the dust in the last month. At this rate there won’t be any Go Go bars left in Pattaya by the summer, though it probably won’t matter because there won’t be any tourists either.

A Thai bloke has been arrested for murder after killing his neighbour because he wouldn’t give him a cigarette. He apparently offed the poor fellow by beating him to death with a pipe. Must have been a bloody big pipe, like that one Sherlock Holmes used to smoke. Actually, if he had a pipe, why did he need a cigarette anyway? Silly bugger.

Let’s take a magic carpet ride back to pre-virus days now with a peek at a trio of stories from Monkeywatch in March 2010…

“Remember Naklua opening its own version of Walking Street that was going to give Pattaya a whole new image? Well, it’s closed down already. Just more proof if it were needed that social engineering in Pattaya is about as feasible as knitting fog.

A worker was rushed to hospital the other week after suffering severe burns in the Nong Pla Lai district while erecting a neon sign outside a convenience store. Locals are referring to the incident as “the tragic events of 7/11”.

Seventy people convicted of drunk driving offences have each been sentenced to six hours community service - presumably as baht bus drivers until they sober up.”

Post–lockdown civil disorder has already begun in Pattaya with the murder of this wheelie bin…

In order to increase demand for rubber, the Rubber Authority of Thailand is to use the substance for manufacturing anatomical models. Funny, thought those things were banned.

As soon as the entertainment venues in Pattaya were closed down, there was a mass stampede of temporarily displaced staff to Koh Larn where they all ended up standing shoulder to shoulder like a very big tin of sardines. It would seem that the local government’s social distancing policy needs a spot of tweaking. However, they decided not to bother and just shut the island down completely. So having lost the Chinese and Indian tourists, they’ve now got rid of the Thais as well. Think they might have to adjust their 2020 tourism predictions down a tad.    

And to finish as we started on a Kung Flu story, all visitors to Thailand (if there are any) must now download an app that will allow the authorities to track them wherever they go. So presumably not owning a mobile phone means you’ll get deported. A bit harsh maybe, but very reminiscent of the British schoolmaster who used to invite some of the younger boys round to his house to see his new state-of-the-art tape recorder. Then the headmaster found out that he didn’t own a tape recorder and he was sent to prison. I mean, what kind of a society is it where a man can be jailed just because he doesn’t own a tape recorder?

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Bullfrog]

Didn't Joni also sing (in the same song)  "They paved Bali Hi to put up a parking lot" ??

[midlifecrisis]

39 minutes ago, Bullfrog said:

Didn't Joni also sing (in the same song)  "They paved Bali Hi to put up a parking lot" ??

[teelack]

Monkeyman. Don't stop doing what you are so good at. For good or bad any news about Pattaya will always be appreciated.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

[michaelday]

They cancelled the Frog Trampling Contest? Bastards! I've practicing all year! 

[monkeyman]

On 3/27/2020 at 2:10 AM, teelack said:

Monkeyman. Don't stop doing what you are so good at. For good or bad any news about Pattaya will always be appreciated.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk
 

The bar news might be a bit of a struggle.     

[teelack]

51 minutes ago, monkeyman said:

The bar news might be a bit of a struggle.     

I can forgive you if all you write about are the bars that are supposed to be closed but are still doing business. Also a critical review of what is left in the fridge of your local 7/11!

[Bullfrog]

On 3/27/2020 at 10:31 PM, michaelday said:

They cancelled the Frog Trampling Contest? Bastards! I've practicing all year! 

I,however, am quite relieved ........

[MeGoDanceNow]

I may have to sign up for a second phone so I can download the app. Then leave it in a storage locker somewhere.

[monkeyman]

3 hours ago, MeGoDanceNow said:

I may have to sign up for a second phone so I can download the app. Then leave it in a storage locker somewhere.

That should get you awarded a gold star for self isolation.