monkeyman

I reckon global warming's to blame.

Since I posted this, I've found out that the problems were caused by them getting my email address slightly wrong. After we established this, the confirmation, transaction and documentation were completed in less than an hour. Methinks I judged them too harshly and will use them again.

If you're thinking of trying Ours Travel as an alternative, I've been trying for over a week to get a confirmation from them. They've always been very reliable in the past, but I'm not the only one to note that their service has taken a turn for the worse.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the pool of pithy prose that pervades the peripheries of Pattaya. Er, sorry about that – desperate for a ‘p’. Well, the boys in brown have been embarking in another public relations exercise with a series of raids on bars in South Pattaya. Assistant district chief ‘Pongo’ Pitajinan claimed that the action was as a result of them getting complaints from tourists that many bars were operating without licences and employing underage staff. It’s gratifying to know that the police recognise the huge importance that the average tourist places on things like this, though they haven’t yet managed to produce any of these complaints or explain how the tourists managed to come by the knowledge in the first place. The offending bars will now be closed for 30 years and their owners are to be burned at the stake. If that wasn’t enough, they’ve also decided to respond to public concerns about Pattaya’s spiralling crime rate by having a crackdown on nudity in bars. This is clearly a very sensible move and I’m sure that we’ll see the number of shootings and muggings plummet overnight as a result of this enlightened policy. There’s an old saying that you can’t buy happiness, a sentiment obviously shared by the owner of this bar. Residents of Khao Mai Kaew have been complaining to Pattaya City Council for several months about the discomfort they have to suffer because of the stench emanating from a garbage disposal site near to their village. After much deliberation, the Council has finally agreed to take urgent action to resolve the residents’ problem and have scheduled their village for demolition next week. You might want to visit this restaurant and order the last but one item on the board if you’re feeling particularly horny. The strangest story of late has to be the elephant that attacked a pick up truck in Jomtien after allegedly mistaking it for a hostile animal, though we suspect that the result might have been even more unfortunate if the hapless creature had mistaken it for a friendly one. There’s been reports that vandals have been smashing some of the new high-powered street lights on Beach Road. A police spokesman said that he takes a very dim view of this sort of thing. A big problem with flooding recently developed in several places along the new local road being built alongside the railway line, so Mayor Niran Wattanasartsathorn brought in a consultant engineering company to survey the area and come up with a solution. They apparently suggested building toilets for the construction workers. In response to the large increase in the number of Russian tourists visiting Pattaya, a new hotel complex has just opened on Soi 1 which the owners hope will make the visitors feel more at home. Among the delights on offer are luxury apartments… …a fully equipped swimming pool…. …and, of course, extensive recreational facilities. In yet another attempt to give the image of Pattaya a bit of a wash and brush up, the Tourism Authority of Thailand and Pattaya District Office have appointed the Baldwin Boyle Group (Thailand) Ltd to take charge of all future publicity, advertising and public relations work for Fun City. The new company has been engaged because it was felt that the image of Pattaya was not being helped by the over-honest approach of their predecessors, Walter Mitty and Co. Finally, fans of Pattaya Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit will be delighted to learn that the he is to receive an award next week for his invaluable contribution to the city. He is to be presented with a solid silver ashtray, and this will be followed by a short ceremony in which it will be attached to his motorbike. A parting thought. Is a man who deals in stolen lawnmowers a garden fence? be seeing you monkeyman (pix 1&2 courtesy of Soi 7)

Probably not. I've never tried Economy but it doesn't look significantly inferior to Elite, which isn't a patch on the old Evergreen Deluxe. Okay, Elite gives you a few extra inches on seat pitch, better choice of movies and a bigger screen, but it's usually fully booked, whereas Economy is often half empty so you can actually end up with more room. I'd save the money and put it towards a Premium Laurel ticket for your next trip. PL is very nice if you're prepared to spend the dosh.

Scraping the bottom of the bin.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our 13th edition, so if you’re superstitious perhaps you’d better not read it. Come to think of it, you’re probably better off not reading it anyway. On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht. This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway. A meeting was held at Pattaya City Hall the other week to lay down new rules of conduct for beach vendors on Koh Larn. This follows several reported incidents of vendors brawling with tourists, which was not considered to be the best way of persuading holidaymakers to buy their wares. Therefore, under the new regulations, all future fights between vendors and tourists will be contested according to strict International Boxing Federation rules. Sabai Lodge certainly seem to know how to make mongers feel at home if this waste bin spotted in one of their rooms is anything to go by. After conducting a survey revealing that tourists are concerned by the increasing numbers of drunken, tattooed, half-naked, shaven-headed louts in Pattaya, the City Council have scrapped plans for an appearance by Britney Spiers at next year’s music festival. Following the announcement that City Hall is to impose 500 baht fines on people whose dogs foul the footpath, a new dog training school has been set up on Second Road where Thais can take their dogs and have them trained to shit on tourists instead. This, however, has brought complaints from tour guides and baht bus drivers, who say that they are more than capable of carrying out this task already. Pattaya has become the first city in Thailand to introduce bullshitometers, the first of which was installed on Beach Road recently. Apparently, you just get your TG to put her hand on one of the pads on the side, then ask her a few questions and watch the lights and meters tell you if she’s fibbing. Oh, and if she asks, tell her it doesn’t work with blokes. And now, a little more guidance for newbies from the pages of the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya”, which should eventually be on sale for a moderately exorbitant price at your local Nohab Convenience Store. If you don’t want people to know you’re a newbie: 1. Don’t wai 2. Don’t point with your feet 3. Don’t tread on the monks 4. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE don’t wear a “Good Guys Go To Heaven…” t-shirt Acting on a tip-off last week, Immigration Officers carried out a raid in Sattahip and managed to arrest 123 Cambodian and Burmese citizens who had been working in Pattaya for some time without the required permits. Unfortunately, they were all found to be working for the Immigration Department, which has now been forced to close down until replacements can be recruited. The new CCTV cameras on Beach Road seem to be working jolly well, with the number of reported thefts in the area having reduced considerably since their installation. All the police have to do now is figure out who’s stealing the cameras. The Big Horn Steakhouse has been getting a bit of stick recently for the quality of its grub, though we’ve heard from several hundred people that it’s the best steak house in Pattaya. Actually, we’ve heard it several hundred times from the same bloke. That drunk at the end of their advert. Pattaya Police Station has come to an agreement with 12 radio and television stations for them to show re-enactments of crimes so tourists can see how the criminals work. Viewers can expect to see recreations of heinous crimes such as a baht bus driver not giving change after being handed 10 baht, and a bar girl charging a punter for long-time then pissing off after a couple of hours. The latest inspired plan by Pattaya City hall is to spend a million baht on a garbage disposal plant that turns rubbish into revenue. Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit said they’d decided that this activity should not be the exclusive preserve of street vendors. Finally, Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well. And remember readers, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. be seeing you monkeyman

One thing to be wary of is that they've just started building some new condos in Soi 1 very close to the end of Sabai Wing that faces Beach Road. There may be some noise issues for the whole hotel for a while.

I think it was when Prince Charles had a puncture and nipped into a motorway cafe for a quick cheeseburger.

Absolutely no joiner fee. It'd be a little difficult for them to pretend to disapprove of mongering when they own a massage joint just round the corner.

This is getting like Alias Smith And Jones.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our first anniversary edition. Yes, we’re still around after a whole year, so that bookie up the road owes us a shitload of money. Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out. It’s being suggested in some quarters that bar owners might consider making a few judicious alterations to the direction their new CCTV cameras are pointing when the boys in brown turn up for their tea money. Something to keep by for a rainy day, eh lads? Those with nothing better to do at the end of the month may be interested to learn that the interestingly named Vaseline Fun Fair is to be held in Jomtien on April 28-29. We’ve no idea what it’s about either, but would advise attendees to avoid blokes with leather trousers and dodgy moustaches. For those of you who fancy some traditional British late night nosh in Pattaya, you could do worse than visit the Ali Baba Indian Restaurant on Pattaya Klang. We have it on good authority that most of their patrons come flying out of this place with their arses on fire, so it sounds like a winner to us. There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan. For all you newbies out there unaccustomed to dealing with being approached by street vendors in Pattaya, here’s an extract from the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya” in which a typical conversation with one of these street chappies has been recorded for your guidance. “You want buy? Me hab many good things.” “Really?” “No, not really. Hab tlay of clap.” “Nothing good at all?” “No. Only hab clap.” “Okay, why don’t I give you 500 baht and you can take your tray and throw it off the end of the pier?” “Why you no gib me 1000 baht and I take running jump off end of pier and take tlay of clap with me, okay?” “Okay.” The transaction is thus successfully concluded. Location filming has just been completed in Pattaya for the first episode of the new Thai science fiction series, “Doctor Hu”. In this first story, the Doctor lands his space ship, the Thaidis, on Beach Road, where he lures a freelancer inside and cunningly uses his time travelling abilities to make a short-time last for three months. A new project has been undertaken by City Hall to unblock all the drains in Pattaya before the start of the rainy season. They decided that this approach, though somewhat expensive, was more practical than issuing tourists with snorkels every time they wanted to go for a walk. Russians are now being encouraged to swarm all over Thailand following a relaxation of their visa rules by the Thai Government. This is because they are a perfect example of what the Thais define as ‘quality tourists’ – and we define as ‘pig-ignorant cheapskate tossers’. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s… Yes, Monkeywatch can exclusively reveal that the secret lair of Thailand’s greatest superhero can be found hidden inside a certain bar on Walking Street. We won’t be revealing his secret identity, partly to protect him from the media, but mainly because we’ve been told that he’s already been barfined by several board members. And remember, guys. If you want your dick to look bigger, move to a smaller country. be seeing you monkeyman

NO!!!!!

Last I heard was that it was going to be an indoor event at Jomtien this year.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the next leg of our voyage to the bottom of the barrel. As a result of the unscheduled fireworks display in Bangkok over New Year, the United States Embassy have presented Pattaya police with a set of bomb blankets. The Chief of Police apparently thanked them but pointed out that, in Pattaya’s climate, the bombs were unlikely to get cold enough to need them. Talking of bombs, there was another story in one of the newspapers about a fake bomb being planted near a Thai Petroleum storage depot at Laem Chabang. They later had to print a correction when it was discovered that the bomb was actually real but the storage depot was a fake. Reports that a terrorist group had stolen a consignment of torpedoes from a naval base also caused a sharp decline in bookings at one Pattaya hotel. The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run, and that there’ll be a bit of a hold up while it’s removed. Bollocks. We’ve seen a baht bus driver remove one in two seconds flat. Have you noticed that there’s been a lot of bother involving Scandinavians in Pattaya recently? And we always thought that they were supposed to be such nice peaceful fellows. I mean, those two blokes in Abba never punched anybody out, did they? Probably left it to the girls. It’s been announced that this month’s Pattaya International Music Festival will have to be scaled down very slightly from previous years due to lack of cash in the city’s coffers. However, the council are determined that the show will go ahead and have provided us with this picture of the new arena being erected. There was a story in Pattaya City News the other week with the headline “Jealous boyfriend consumes floor cleaner after he suspects his girlfriend is seeing another man”. Unfortunately, when it was shown to the police, they misunderstood and arrested the poor sod for cannibalism In the best traditions of community spirit, Banglamung Vocational College have started sessions to introduce Thai youngsters to the basics of good driving. The eager pupils will of course be instructed to completely ignore everything they’ve been taught if they ever end up driving one of these. On February 16, Pattaya City Hall announced that they were holding a meeting of their Rubbish Committee. As this description fitted just about all of their committees, further enquiries were made and it was found to be the one being chaired by a Khun Tawit. Sounds like the right man for the job to us. That’s his real name by the way – you just couldn’t make that up. Well, it looks like the government’s wonderful plan to make all the bars install CCTV cameras (or tourist repellent, as they’re popularly known) is set to go ahead. If anybody’s interested, there’s a feller we know who can supply these at a very reasonable price. This includes free fitting and, for a small additional charge, a written guarantee that they won’t work. Nice to see that more and more bars are holding free beer nights for board members. Ah, free beer. Some words just belong together, don’t they? Finally, there was a touching tale about how two water buffalo calves had led rescue workers to their sick mother who was lying in a field after being bitten by a snake. A real sick buffalo? Now that’s a story. be seeing you monkeyman

The description fits the Dusit except that their rooms do have safes.

You mean she'd help you to write crap songs?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our tenth odyssey into the myth and folklore that surrounds the Land Of Nudge and Wink. Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon. There’s been a reprieve for Brits flying to Thailand on British Airways as the planned strikes by the cabin crews have been called off. It seems that it was all caused by a row about them taking an average of 22 days sickies every year. Surprising it isn’t even more if they have to eat the same load of old crap that they serve to the passengers. As we all know, Suvarnabhumi Airport has been a great success and absolutely nothing has gone wrong since it opened. This has not gone unnoticed in Pattaya, where they are proud to announce the opening of their own new airport. As you can see, it’s not quite finished yet but, in true Suvarnabhumi style, they’re still going ahead with the planned opening next Tuesday. The bars in Pattaya seem to be lot quieter than this time last year but the hotels are still full. Looks like the Cheap Charlie Asian tourists are in town again. Makes you wonder what the little buggers get up to. Like, do they actually ever come out of their hotels or do they have to be locked in their rooms? We can but hope. Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart? Looks like the riddle of why police raids never found any sex toys at Marilyn A Go Go has at last been solved. The girls must have chucked them out the back door as, after a long absence, they’ve finally been washed up on the beach. There was a bit of a misunderstanding the other week when a German bloke complained to his hotel that he’d returned to his room and found that the safe had gone out of the closet. The manager apparently expressed his regrets but said that the hotel could not give guests any guarantees as to the sexual orientation of their room safes. Local fishermen have been blamed for harming the tourist trade by using explosives in the waters around Pattaya and doing a significant amount of damage to underwater sites in the area. This has resulted in a much smaller number of tourists diving in the sea, but a much greater number flying out of it. Talking of the sea, a quick message for the chap who was enquiring on one of the boards if the seawater quality around Pattaya is as bad as it’s made out to be. Well, let’s put it this way. If you were trying to commit suicide, it’d be quicker to drink it than to drown in it. A delegation from Cambodia arrived in Pattaya a few weeks ago to enter into discussions with the local mandarins about business opportunities in the city. Well boys, if your business is drugs, prostitution, mugging or illegal gambling you’ve hit the jackpot. Plans to deal with the impact of a tsunami on Pattaya continue to take shape with the delivery of this new line of baht buses. A ceremony was recently held at the Wiwat Polamuang Navy School following the completion of the first part of a rehabilitation program for 244 drug addicts. Many more addicts had applied to join the program, but were told “Rehab? No hab.” Pattaya Daily News carried a wonderful article the other day about a Swiss bloke who set fire to his apartment. They went on to say “He had a reputation for bizarre behaviour, going out every night and returning in the early hours of the morning in an intoxicated state”. Jeez, what a weirdo. Makes us glad we’re all normal, eh? We’re still trying to work out the new Thai smoking ban, which seems to apply to entertainment venues but for some reason not to bars. Perhaps the authorities don’t class bars as entertainment venues. They wouldn’t be far wrong if they’ve visited some of the bloody bars we’ve been in lately. And remember, guys. Life is like a shit sandwich - the more bread you’ve got, the less shit you have to eat. be seeing you monkeyman

No probs from a musical point of view, but it doesn't do a whole lot for the girls dance-wise, as can be witnessed at Tim Bar.

I think the bulb's already gone.

WestEast are a class act and offer a professional and reliable service. I've used them on many occasions and would recommend them to anybody.

I wanted an April flight to Phuket. Bastards.

Obligation?

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dose of liver salts for the brain to help you forget about the ghastly mountains of turkey and mince pies that have been inflicted on you for the last few weeks by well-meaning but hopelessly retarded relatives. Well, who would have thought it? Just three months after its much-trumpeted opening, the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to be partially closed because of poor construction. This will be administered by minor officials as senior figures don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters - they’re too busy plotting the next bar crackdown to ruin the holidays of any tourists who manage to survive the ordeal of their planes landing on what’s left of the runways. While we’re on the subject of the airport, don’t forget that the dreaded Departure Tax is to rise to 700 baht from February 1. So not only do you have to drag yourself off home at the end of your holiday, but you have to pay 40 percent more for the privilege. Talk about insult to injury. What a bunch of rotters, eh? As the world wrestles with the dilemma of nuclear proliferation, Thailand proudly unveils the latest generation of its state-of-the-art nuclear deterrent. In the best traditions of Hollywood, Fun City now has its name spelled out on Radio Station Hill in 20 metre high letters. They haven’t got it quite right yet, but it does offer an opportunity for tourists who are bored with the Big Apple to visit the big PATAYTA. There was a story going round about a fellow who invited some young boys back to his hotel room to have a look at his new video camera. Then the police found out that he didn’t actually own a video camera and he was thrown in jail. This is absolutely appalling. I mean, what kind of a country is this where a man can be imprisoned just because he doesn’t own a camera? The owners of Champion A Go Go have denied that they’re planning to start watersports shows in a new upstairs bar called ‘Wee Are The Champions’. In a move that will no doubt fascinate all visiting fast food freaks, Pattaya announces the opening of the world’s smallest branch of KFC. It’s also been rumoured that a Humphrey Bogart theme bar will be opening in Walking Street under the name of ‘Play It Again, Siam’. There’s been a bit of flak aimed at street vendors lately, particularly the shoeshine boys who interrupt your imbibing by trying to polish your trainers, and the rose sellers who push a damp bloom up your bugle in the hope you’ll buy it for your tilac. Well, there’s an old saying that the single rose says more than the bunch. It says that you’re too much of a tight bastard to fork out for more than one. A quick word of advice for the bloke who posted on a website that he’d had a virgin in Pattaya once and would never do it again. We think you’ll find that once is actually the upper limit on this one, dude. It looks like the Blues Factory’s aiming to attract the more mature class of punter as it seems that you’ll no longer be allowed in unless your shirt’s at least 20 years old. In a desperate attempt to give Pattaya a safer image, the District Governor has enlisted the help of the Military to back up the local police force for the duration of the high season. Thanks boys, but we’re not sure that that making Pattaya look like the streets of Baghdad will make your average tourist feel a whole lot safer. They’re also hoping to attract lots more nice families to Pattaya with the opening of this exciting new swimming pool on Beach Road. As part of a drive towards healthy eating, Pattaya City Hall has sent a message to local chefs asking them to use more bamboo in their menus. They have apparently said that they will do this if the Council agrees to use more noodles in the construction of their offices. Pattaya City Council have come up with a brain-teasing competition to be run throughout the month of January. All you have to do is to suggest the most appropriate letter to fill the gap in this sign. The prize for the lucky winner will be a conducted tour of the cultural highlights of Pattaya hosted by the Council leader and old mate of Monkeywatch, Mr Yuslas Sakkashit. Or, if you prefer, you can be thrown off Bali Hai Pier with an anchor chained to your neck. And a final thought. If money is the root of all evil, how come churches are always asking us for it? be seeing you monkeyman