To my friends from the U S of A...............

[Fireman Sam 336]

To my friends from the U S of A...............

Michael Yon

2 November 2012 ·

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

 

[Bullfrog 2,224]

And people from Boston should decide if they support terrorism or not.

[MM 6,562]

Quoting anything from that Quisling Michael Yon is frowned upon.

[Fireman Sam 336]

Quoting anything from that Quisling Michael Yon is frowned upon.

 

Never heard of the Guy, just thought it was quite funny.

 

 

Regards

[MM 6,562]

 

Never heard of the Guy, just thought it was quite funny.

 

 

Regards

It was funny 7 years ago too, and probably before that....

 

https://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/02/15/john-cleeses-letter-to-america/

 

 

n view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,

but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will

be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

[Evil Penevil 7,628]

It was funny 7 years ago too, and probably before that....

 

https://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/02/15/john-cleeses-letter-to-america/

 

 

 

It goes back to the year 2000. You can read its history on Snopes.

 

 

Evil

Edited October 18, 2015 by Evil Penevil

[MM 6,562]

 

 

It goes back to the year 2000. You can read its history on Snopes.

 

 

Evil

Just goes to show how long the Brits have been dreaming about having any relevance to the USA and its politics, LOL.

[LocalYokul 214]

I remember sitting in a bar with some coworkers who were all from the UK. They were saying that American politics didn't affect them.

I reminded them that Dick Cheney was one of the highest bosses of Halliburton & that definitely affects our future in Oil & Gas, which is the type of project we were working on.

 

Yes, it was some years ago.

[Basil B 46]

Yes, I like it...

 

just updated my avatar...

 

So all my American cousins can practice their

[atlas2 4,329]

Didn't want to start a new thread but thought our American cousins would have some interest in this..........

 

The American War of Independence was very much Britain's Vietnam. There was significant, even treasonable support in England for the 'rebels'...often in high places.

 

Anyhow it's nice to see the preservation of an almost priceless document.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4434160/Second-copy-Declaration-Independence-found.html

 

 

If you can't open the Mail still.......

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/21/arts/a-new-parchment-declaration-of-independence-surfaces-head-scratching-ensues.html?_r=0

Edited April 23, 2017 by atlas2

[BigusDicus 9,873]

Fascinating!

[JONPAT 222]

I don't think blaming Russian hackers everything about Trump is going fly for very long; if the Queen is up next, fine by me, after all most of the problems of the modern age started with the British Empire screwing up dominion so badly.

[Goldpanner 399]

'Baseball' shall henceforth be referred to by its correct name of 'Rounders' a quaint game played by little girls.

 

'As American as Apple Pie' shal be stricken from the language. The English invented Apple pie.

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

 

 

 

This hoary old joke comes out once every three or four years. It was once wrongly attributed to John Cleese who had to strenuously deny that he had ever said such a thing.

[Goldpanner 399]

 

 

 

 

This hoary old joke comes out once every three or four years. It was once wrongly attributed to John Cleese who had to strenuously deny that he had ever said such a thing.

Why not? we Brits constantly have to have the old 'Rotten Teeth' rubbish wheeled out on a regular basis. Totally wrong of course when, on a per capita basis the US has far worse teeth than the UK

[nkped 1,208]

Why not? we Brits constantly have to have the old 'Rotten Teeth' rubbish wheeled out on a regular basis. Totally wrong of course when, on a per capita basis the US has far worse teeth than the UK

First I'd ever heard that one.

[mrgreenjeans 29]

First I'd ever heard that one.

 

They don't call 'em Gummy Joe for nothing!

[MM 6,562]

Why not? we Brits constantly have to have the old 'Rotten Teeth' rubbish wheeled out on a regular basis. Totally wrong of course when, on a per capita basis the US has far worse teeth than the UK

I doubt you could find even two instances on this forum (possibly none) of anyone mentioning the bad teeth characteristic of Brits. Certainly whatever you find would be dwarfed by the number of Brit moans about the World Series, "Football" not using their feet, baseball/rounders, use of the term "soccer" in the USA (and even parts of your Commonwealth), not to mention coming late to wars.

[jacko 8,813]

toothless_zps9123cdea.jpg

 

They don't call 'em Gummy Joe for nothing!

Central 'eating.