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For me, it started a few weeks ago when I was listening to the news on TV. Had Duterte just shut down Manila for a month, did I hear that right. Checked the internet and for sure 3-hours ago, 6-hours ago reports say it was true. It was way back in November, I had planned to get away from Songkran for nearly a month in the Philippines. (Songkran has now been cancelled) I had planned a bit of island hopping going to Coron, El Nido, Puerta Princesa and then 10-days in Sabang, Puerta Gallera to finish off, a place of last years Philippine report trip. On my morning walk took my Passport and stopped off at the Thai Air office at the top of Beach Road near the Dusit. The place was packed, could not even get to the ticket machine so I give it a miss and would try again in the afternoon. My first thought was... are all these guys going to Angeles. In the afternoon the office was empty so picked a number and walked straight up to the desk. Told I would get a full refund but wait for it, expect to wait 45-days. WTF Thai Air will probably go bust by then. I also have a July trip booked on BA to Heathrow. This could also be sliding away depending on events. Then came the warning of bar closures. It was Wednesday and I am always optimistic I would find a bar open. A walk down soi 6 confirmed the worst as all the bars were in darkness a few bars had the shutters half way down with girls sitting on the floor eating and talking. A walk up soi 7 and to my surprise, the bars were open but it felt just like the Kings Funeral with all the bars in semi darkness and no music, total silence. The girls were wondering what they were going to do and after a number of visits (warnings) by the police the bars on soi 7 closed at 12-midnight. On the Thursday there were guys wandering the streets looking for a saviour. I was one of them. Took the GF out to eat roast duck at the Leng kee restaurant on Pattaya Klang and consumed a number of large Chang from the promotion girl at their special price of 100 baht. With my Philippine trip down the pan and the bars all shut I needed a holiday and it was time to get the hell out of Dodge. That night packed my case and the following day set off in the direction of Hua Hin to my regular stop at the Tanawit hotel and spa. The beer bar area in the town was closed and the place looked deserted. Had my mandatory Hawaiian pizza in Roberto's Italian restaurant with large Leo's. Only one bar was open at the back of the Hilton Hotel near to the beach. It was full so went into one of the restaurants nearby on stilts overlooking the sea. No problem just ordering beer. Then went to check out the night market close to my hotel and it was kicking with the C.O. Bar doing good business. C.O Bar in the market After my morning walk down the beach, a croissant and a 7-Eleven coffee drove South down to Surat Thani to the Orchid Riverside Hotel where I have stayed before. On checking in, all the staff have masks and have the infra red temp gun zapped on my head to show 37 degrees. Around 200 yards away there is an exercise park on the island and next to it an excellent restaurant by the river called Crossroads, this time it was large Leo's shared between two. View from Crossroads Restaurant Surat Thani After a 7-Eleven coffee an early start by my standards to the Raja Ferry Port at Donsak which is around 45-minutes drive with very few cars on the road. Saw the Raja turn off sign too late as I was going too fast but from the Garmin GPS carried on the road another few clicks and found a PTT petrol station to tank up the car. Would expect gas more expensive on the island. (was 3-baht per litre more) Drive 5-minutes and passed the Seatran ferry port and then to the Raja ferry where the pre-check-in is another temperature check on your head and a stamp on the back of my hand. 520 baht is the price of the ticket for car and driver + 1 passenger to Koh Samui. The queue is short and 15-minutes later have parked on board and sat in the upper air con lounge. Queue is very short Only 6-passengers upstairs, a few with face masks. Others stay in their cars and pick ups. 90-minutes or so and we are docking. Road signs are pretty shit and I make two wrong turns before I see a sign for Lamai. Have been to Koh Samui twice in my 'party days' in 2003 and 2006 when it was ramming, staying on Chaweng Beach at the Coral Beach Resort but this time decided a little quiet time in Lamai was in order. Stopped at the Best Resort which cost 900 baht a night with parking, a room overlooking the swimming pool with a/c no frills and book for 2-nights so I can get my bearings. Coconut bar and Bamboo restaurant on the beach does a big English breakfast for 100 baht. A SML is 70 and big bottles of Leo 100. Bamboo Restaurant Beach Grand father/ mother Rocks shaped like cock and pussy Walk one street back and all the bars are in full swing with customers. Some beer bars have girls but no music. The last time I was here, hired a motor bike and checked out Lamai but did not find all the beer bar areas and now it looks like there are more than Chaweng. Drive around to Chaweng beach and the road is half dug up. Reminds me of Beach Road in Pattaya. All the road dug up Drive into Central Festival to park. Have passport copied and temperature check before entering. This mall is open air and far too hot for walking around. Checked out the Coral Beach Resort which may have been taken over by Ark Bar where I stayed years ago. It was boarded up and closed. Coral Beach Resort may now be Ark Bar Closed no customers A bar in town is selling beer and is open till 10pm, the guy welcomes us to come in but it is far too early Bar area not a girl in sight In Lamai I find some restaurants have stopped selling beer, some are open till 6pm and some till 10pm. I guess it is who has connections or pays with brown envelopes. There are still foreigners on holiday out on the beach oblivious of flight cancellations. The night market may as well pack up as there are no customers. Why set a stall no fallang A day or so later all the bars in town closed and so did the night market. Bar Area closed Moved a few hundred yards down the road to the Coconut Beach Resort which has big rooms, English tv, swimming pool, gym and sun loungers on the beach, negotiated a deal for 1000 baht a night. Booked for 5-nights with the intention of staying longer depending on the situation. There are two Coconut beach resorts the other is called Coconut beach Lamai. Hotel. Pool. Beach sunbeds. Ideal location One man and his dog Bo Phut view of Koh Phangan (monthly moon party) Santiburi Golf Club very expensive A look on Booking.com and it was advertised at over 1800 baht a night but I think we are the only ones here. Restaurants on the beach are still selling food and booze. At breakfast, told by restaurant staff to wear a face mask when going out around town. Very few people are out now. Everyone in Tesco Lotus and Big C wearing masks, more temperature checks and sanitiser on entering. Less tourists are now left around the beach. Blue sky, lovely blue sea and fresh air (AQI under 20) To get rid of my Pattaya cough. My routine has now changed. No more staying out till midnight. A full English breakfast. A drive around the island to another beach. Sight seeing. A lounge on a sun bed and swim sea/pool. Out early doors for beers on the beach and then a meal. A few beers/Sam Song coke on the beach with the GF, I have a cool bag. Early night around 9 to 10pm Watch a movie for an hour or two. Always useful to have a cool bag with ice Book another three then another two more nights in this hotel as the place is ok. Phuket is going under a curfew, sounds like there already is one in Pattaya as everything is closed after 10pm. Will there be a lock-down, a lot of speculation. There needs to be a heads up. If I get stuck here for a month or two it would not be the end of the world. Have checked out some beach resorts for a long term stay, around 10,000 baht a month. Hear that the hotel next to the restaurant I am drinking in has 3-Russian tourists. They want to get rid of them as they want to close. Most hotels along the beach have closed with signs saying open in July. Is that really 2020 optimistic? As of today Samui has a population of around 70,000 locals. And there are only 3-confirmed cases on Samui, Two are French guys, one coming back from France and the other from the Philippines. The other is a Thai doctor. Koh Phangnan the moon party island has zero cases. Pattaya has a population of 320,000 / Chonburi 1.5 million population with 38 cases including 2-Brits. I keep distance, wear a mask in shops and think on the whole it is safer to be down here for the time being. I did try to buy the malaria tablets chloroquine and Azilthromycin at a chemist but the doctor told me the hospital has taken full control of these drugs. The ironic thing is a few years ago I cleaned out my medicine cabinet and threw away these pills (I used them in my Africa days) I still have a supply of Lariam which was considered a substitute. It is like a delaying tactic but sure as hell the same rules are regulations are working their way down to Samui. (Surat Thani Province) Still serve beer on the beach till 6pm but now only do take-aways. All right for the GF as the food carts are her staple diet. Time to call it a day and go home tomorrow. Time to go home Got there in time for the 8am ferry but looks like schedules have changed as it sailed after 9am then spent 30-minutes waiting for a berth at the Donsak mainland. 11:30 and we disembark with half the day gone. The drive back is pleasing with no traffic, one checkpoint asking where we go, the next is a pull over and a temperature check. The GF wants to visit her home in Isaan but driving today I have only seen one empty bus and one taxi in 6-hours. It is after 5:30pm and I have had enough so pull into Prachaup Kiri Khan which is only around 10-minutes off the main drag. Stayed here before at the Beach hotel and dinned upstairs in a small restaurant overlooking the sea obviously this time it was closed. Decide to try the Prachaup Grand which was a walk in rate of 1400 baht with breakfast. Only one other car in the parking lot. The Agoda rate is only 10 baht less so will not be running around to pay at a 7-Eleven. Nice room, restaurant open, we are the only ones here. Only around 10 things on the menu but the Pad Se Ew Chicken was excellent washed down with 3-Leo's at 60 baht each. After breakfast set off with the drive to Pattaya expecting more checkpoints as I read Pattaya is going to be locked down. The drive around the coast is quiet with only a build up of traffic around Bangkok and over the Chao Phraya River bridge. Eventually arrive Pattaya without one temperature check. A few checkpoints but just waved through mostly stopping pick up trucks. Take from this trip: I felt like I was a storm chaser but chasing beer and food with the rules and regulations changing by the day. I have experienced a beach holiday for the first time in years and it was a pleasant change. Blue sky, blue sea and clean air. All roads are well back from the beach with very little traffic. It has given me another option from my regular trips to Hua Hin and Koh Chang which are just over 4-hours. For me, this trip needs a day stop over as it is a tad over 800 kilometers. Now I am back in Pattaya I can still walk down the beach, it is not closed. (there were quite a few girls yesterday afternoon) and swim in the pool but I am now going to be oblivious to the passing of time. I used to know what day it was by what I was going to eat and now the weekends have no sport, one day is just the same as any other. One thing I know for sure is I would still rather be here than the UK. There are many food carts on soi Buakhao, I picked up a white grilled fish today, yesterday was ribs from Big C. Cheap Charlies and The Hungry Monkey look like they are doing take away so I will not go short. And as for drinking at home, maybe it is time to cut down on the beer and loose a few kilo.

Water truck with free water made a trip down our soi this morning. We've been without city water for three days now due to a broken main, so the free water is appreciated. Someone asked if Katesiree was still serving coffee. Sadly the answer is no, at both locations. Still working on the new Jomtien Hospital. Looks like outpatient services are open. Resorts/ST rooms are now closed.

I was a little worried going out on this morning's photo recon of Mabprachan Reservoir due to the announcement the area reservoirs were closed to all activities. I was also wondering if I might face checkpoints on the way back to my home in Pattaya. Neither concern came to pass as there were 20 or so out on the reservoir running and biking, and there were no checkpoints outbound or on my return. That's the positive, now the negative. Mabprachan has maybe a week to 10 days of water left. There was no point in recording GPS waypoints of the current shoreline as you can see in the pictures below all that's left is basically two, ever shrinking, large pools of water. I've place all the reservoir photo albums into a collection on Flickr (link). For Mabprachan that's a photo history going back to Sept, 2015. For Huai Chak Nok I only started documenting that reservoir in Dec, 2019.

A pic from a friend when Mabprachan was overflowing.

Just checked my credit card account on-line again. The refund got credited on 3 April. Deep joy!! And well done EVA!

Bazle, My refund came through today, it was the cost minus the £165 cancellation fee, paid into my account. I applied the same day you did. hopefully yours will come through soon as well mate.

Arrive at the parking lot. , 2 large tents. Do not go to one on the left. Huge lines ,not moving . On the right there is a line for a visa more than 10 deep. Go around or through them and directly to the 90 day desk no lines. Get a number and every several minutes they come out calling numbers with your passport. In at 9:10, out at 9:20.

Wow what a difference to now!

With the shutdown my hair has been getting shaggy. My wife dug out some old clippers. Could have gone better... We won't be using them on my pubic area!

Thanks FBWU, Pattaya looks eerie being so quiet. Keep safe mate.

Blondes should not drive Tesla's Blondes_shouldn't_drive_Teslas.mp4

Greetings Monkeywatchers and core coon crap for joining us once again, though you probably haven’t got much else to do at the moment. Ho hum. Predictably, the Kung Flu is still dominating the news in Pattaya. City Hall has announced that pretty much everything has been cancelled for the next six months, including Songkran, the Pattaya Music Festival and the Beach Road Frog Trampling Contest. A long list of cancelled events has been published, though most people don’t seem to have been aware that most of these events existed in the first place. As Joni Mitchell once said, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. And you probably don’t give a monkey’s bollock (she didn’t say that bit.) If that wasn’t enough, it was announced that tourists arriving from certain countries would be asked to quarantine themselves for 14 days. Not much fun if you’ve come to Thailand for a fortnight’s holiday. Though there’s not much chance of that for a while. There’s been some controversy over farangs not wearing masks in Thailand during the current outbreak. Thais seem to be of the opinion that foreigners should be respectful of their culture at this time. So you’ve been told. Wear a mask, eat lots of bugs and drive at 100 mph while pissed out of your mind. Pattaya hotels are refurbishing their rooms in anticipation of the return of the Chinese tourists. Here’s one they’ve just finished… A Chinese chap who’d been to visit Pattaya with a tour group was later found tied up and bundled into a suitcase that had been chucked into the sea. The cause of death hasn’t yet been established though police say they haven’t ruled out suicide. Makes you wonder what they have ruled out. The Health Minister got himself into a spot of hot water after pontificating that Europeans were dirty, didn’t take showers and brought coronavirus to Thailand while fleeing the disease in their own countries. So nothing to do with the Chinese then. Doesn’t come as any surprise really. It’s generally accepted that the Thais don’t like Westerners. Or Russians. Or Chinese. Or Indians. Come to think of it, they don’t seem to like each other too much. Let’s face it, they can’t abide anybody. Welcome to the Land of Smiles. Not content with his previous rant, the minister is now trying to get all the bars, restaurants and nightclubs to stay shut at least until Hell freezes over. Talk about kicking a country when it’s down. We hereby nominated him for the 2020 “Biggest Tosspot Since Purachai Award.” In more enlightened times this man would have been burned at the stake. Pattaya is already preparing to welcome the return of the Chinese tourists with a traditional Thai noose party… Bar news time, and even before the current shutdown it was all all doom and gloom with multiple closures, including three long-established names. Living Dolls Showcase, Heaven Above, Rich, Runway and Club Nevada have all bitten the dust in the last month. At this rate there won’t be any Go Go bars left in Pattaya by the summer, though it probably won’t matter because there won’t be any tourists either. A Thai bloke has been arrested for murder after killing his neighbour because he wouldn’t give him a cigarette. He apparently offed the poor fellow by beating him to death with a pipe. Must have been a bloody big pipe, like that one Sherlock Holmes used to smoke. Actually, if he had a pipe, why did he need a cigarette anyway? Silly bugger. Let’s take a magic carpet ride back to pre-virus days now with a peek at a trio of stories from Monkeywatch in March 2010… “Remember Naklua opening its own version of Walking Street that was going to give Pattaya a whole new image? Well, it’s closed down already. Just more proof if it were needed that social engineering in Pattaya is about as feasible as knitting fog. A worker was rushed to hospital the other week after suffering severe burns in the Nong Pla Lai district while erecting a neon sign outside a convenience store. Locals are referring to the incident as “the tragic events of 7/11”. Seventy people convicted of drunk driving offences have each been sentenced to six hours community service - presumably as baht bus drivers until they sober up.” Post–lockdown civil disorder has already begun in Pattaya with the murder of this wheelie bin… In order to increase demand for rubber, the Rubber Authority of Thailand is to use the substance for manufacturing anatomical models. Funny, thought those things were banned. As soon as the entertainment venues in Pattaya were closed down, there was a mass stampede of temporarily displaced staff to Koh Larn where they all ended up standing shoulder to shoulder like a very big tin of sardines. It would seem that the local government’s social distancing policy needs a spot of tweaking. However, they decided not to bother and just shut the island down completely. So having lost the Chinese and Indian tourists, they’ve now got rid of the Thais as well. Think they might have to adjust their 2020 tourism predictions down a tad. And to finish as we started on a Kung Flu story, all visitors to Thailand (if there are any) must now download an app that will allow the authorities to track them wherever they go. So presumably not owning a mobile phone means you’ll get deported. A bit harsh maybe, but very reminiscent of the British schoolmaster who used to invite some of the younger boys round to his house to see his new state-of-the-art tape recorder. Then the headmaster found out that he didn’t own a tape recorder and he was sent to prison. I mean, what kind of a society is it where a man can be jailed just because he doesn’t own a tape recorder? be seeing you monkeyman

I,however, am quite relieved ........

Didn't see any thread dedicated to general pics people take while out and about around Pattaya. Feel free to add your own. Here's a couple from today. North end of Bua Khao the muck in the storm sewers is getting removed, by hand. Sukhumvit end of Pattaya Tai now has a super sized 7-11.

Progress update on the Beach Rd drainage project beginning on the north end.

As part of starting worldwide passenger flights Etihad will commence limited passenger services to the UK from 22nd April Manchester 1 flight daily London Heathrow 2 flights daily L

With effect from tomorrow until 19th April Emirates will commence passenger flights to London Heathrow 4 x weekly 777-300ER The flights from tomorrow until 19th April are only for outbound UAE passengers and cargo. UK Flight schedule for Emirates at present is :- Birmingham from 1st May 1 x daily Edinburgh from 1st July 1 x daily Glasgow from 1st May 2 x daily Heathrow from 1st May 6 x daily Stansted from 1st July 2 x daily Manchester from 1st June 2 x daily

No cancellation charge. I had booked it last September, and was due to fly on 20 April. EVA were offering to accept cancellations without charge. I had to cancel a flight 3 years ago because of an imminent bereavement, and EVA's London office were very polite and efficient. That is the only time I've needed to use Customer Service. In terms of other services, I've found EVA very good, and hope to continue flying with them.

Not an open door, but openings that allows excess water to flow over the top and into a drain pipe. That pipe runs under the dam and dumps the excess water into a stream bed on the other side. My friend is holding his hands apart noting how high the water is above the top of the openings. The cranks on the top are used to raise and lower partitions to block the flow of water into the overflow pipe. Like other dams around the world with spillways, they're used to control the amount of water released in extreme flooding conditions. The pic below gives you a better view of the overflow openings.

That is absolutely shocking FBWU, once it actually gets visualised by a comparison like that it really does show how bad things are. I looked at the background of your initial pic of the two guy, in the comparison pic it's mostly now dry land, how much has it dropped would you say, 20 foot or more?. Incredible. One question, in the first pic, it looks as if below where your mates are standing is an open "door", in the background it appears that the water had risen above the level of the glass, am I right?.

More for the Brits, who will understand this.

I bought a new household oral thermometer from a pharmacy last week. The old one I had read just over 40 degrees C when I took my temperature (under the tongue). I thought 'Hmm, I should be getting close to being dead soon'. I shook it down and then held it under the cold running water from my kitchen tap. It then read just a bit under 43. It was then I knew I didn't (yet) have the virus.

Just did a few dummy bookings using various dates. The outcome is the same.....instead of typically the top listed at £340 now we see prices way way up All the usual suspects are further down the page and I used Travel Trolley for prices whom I use virtually exclusively these days. Flight dates at top using start of each week traditionally the cheapest on Mondays and Tuesdays

Watch the Trailers, an episode or two in the seasons. It is a bit to follow without a scorecard. I like it lots, but have to watch once when I'm alert, again when I'm real alert.

For October dates that is expensive, but given the current situation I would expect that once travel bans and restrictions are lifted, prices will change, but perhaps not in our favour. For my money, I'd be concerned that the Airlines continue to run a limited timetable on certain routes to keep the planes full and also therefore keep prices high due to demand.

I don't do the C to F conversion that well but if a couple of them where the guy showed it to me were accurate, I suspect I would have been curled up shivering.

Yes. I will start at the beginning.

You don't know how much I envy you. Having all 3 seasons of this gem to binge watch.

I gave up on season one. Now you have me rethinking it.

Have a look at NDTVi's latest youtube vid on Walking Street and Soi6. It is eerie.😨

I had a bad experience with EVA in January 2019 and started a thread about it. To be fair I got my money back from them pretty easily but it put me off their airline so much I haven't flown with them since and unless I had absolutely no choice I doubt I ever would again. Thai Airways only these days.

Mine went back to my debit card, a billing cycle for a CC is between 20 and 45 days, but in my email it also said the payment date is 2 months from date of issue (which was the 1st April as well). It might be that you need to give it 24 hours for it to appear on a CC statement. If it has been refunded, then it might be currently "in the system" , so it has been refunded but not "registered" per se. I had this with a partial parking refund to my CC last week.

I am six episodes in (7 is available) and I am not as negative about it as you are but the writing could have been better. I will finish this season but, if it returns, I doubt I will still be on board.

You do understand that if someone with covid-19, with lung problems, saw your hilarious posts, they likely would need a ventilator.

After Mabprachan, next stop was a photo recon on the state of Huai Chak Nok Reservoir. Map updated with waypoints marking the current shoreline edge. When I got to the turnoff for the road over the dam, I was surprised to see they had it barricaded. No doubt closed due to the latest edict from the Chonburi Governor to keep people from gathering in groups of any size. Since I was a group of one, and seeing a guy walking his dogs in the distance I figured I'd chance it. So lifted my bicycle over the barricade and had a nice quiet ride by my lonesome self across the dam. New since the last update is a retaining wall around this pumping station, and a pump to get water from the main body into the small pond. What I don't understand is why they just didn't dig the channel deeper eliminating the need for a pond and another pump. The latest position of the receding shoreline, just on the other side of the pumping station. Final pic is the other receding shoreline.

Anybody currently holding a ticket(s) on any airline including nationally owned should consider getting a refund if possible. Things could still get much worse than they currently are. Money in your account is preferable....can always buy another ticket.

That's great, Butch. Thanks. Precisely what I needed to know. 🙂

China: 'We've Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check'

Line at Thai Airways office this morning. Road into New Plaza getting a scrub. First thing that caught my eye was the free food part. Thought, that's a nice gesture in these trying times. Alas, once my brain caught up to what my eyes were seeing I realized she was using an old Korando's Bar party poster for a tablecloth.

As promised, the latest photo update of the shrinking Mabprachan Reservoir. You can see in the screenshot below today's ride spent a lot of time riding areas that used to be underwater, but is now bone dry lakebed. First up is the southern edge of the water. Pic 01: Still a bit of water, but not much, around the overflow structure. Northern edge of the water. Pic 02: Panoramic shot looking east at what's left of the main body of water in the reservoir. Pic 03: Pumping water from the main body to the channel that leads to the pumping station. Pic 04: Draining the last bit of water from this area. Pic 05: North of the pumping station there is no more water to be had. Pic 06 Pic 07 Pic 08 Pic 09 Pic 10 Pic 11: High spots in the area north of the land bridge are now becoming visible. It won't be long before the water is drained from this area too. Pic 12: Gap in the land bridge. Still too deep to wade across. Pic 13: This gap though can be easily waded across. This guy provided a good example of how shallow it is around this area. It wasn't until he reached the buoys that the water was over his head. Dry land as of 10 Mar, 2020 Pic 14: Fishing shelter left high and dry. Pic 15: Tree stump sentinels wondering where all the water went. Pic 16: I imagine this cistern dates back to a time before the reservoir was built. Pic 17: The floating pump house is no longer drawing water from what's left of the main body of water.

I watched Midway last night. I enjoyed it. Attached are clips and trailers.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for following us into our 15th year, and welcome to the year 2563. Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? Well, the plastic bag ban has come into force in Thailand and people are coming up with all kinds of weird and wonderful receptacles to put their shopping in. Bags for life are also available if required, but from the look of them they wouldn’t even last long enough for the life of a suicide bomber, though that has yet to be put to the test. A Turkish restaurant in Central Pattaya burned to the ground on New Year’s Day. Foul play is suspected and police have interviewed several suspects, all of whom appear to be food critics. Chinese tourists have been warned about carelessness with fireworks during their New Year celebrations following the demise of a holidaymaker at Christmas. A spokesman for the Immigration Department added “I don’t know why we bother with these warnings. We should tell the little yellow turds to stay at home instead of coming over here infecting our country with another one of their stinking pig diseases.” Sounds like somebody’s been playing truant from their diversity training. For those who want an extra special souvenir of their trip to Pattaya, these locally produced replicas of the Holy Grail are an absolute must… Here’s a new twist to an old story. A Russian tourist was beaten senseless by bouncers after refusing to pay his bill in a Russian club. Immigration are currently checking into the nationality of the bouncers in case they were Russians working without permits, as this of course is a much more serious offence than knocking seven bells of shit out of a pissed-up Ruskie. There’s been a spate of bag snatchings from tourists in Pattaya since the beginning of the year. Not surprising really. The thieves probably just needed something to put their shopping in. The Prime Minister has suggested that people should shower less during the current drought. One would suspect that this will have a less than profound impact on the habits of Thailand’s newest brands of quality tourist. Central Festival prepares itself for the arrival of tourists for Chinese New Year… New Year bar news time, and it’s the end of the line for Scootrets, as the bar is now gutted and the hotel is being sold. Party Girlz has closed yet again, but Harem has surprisingly reopened. New Bat has reopened as CoCo and Diamond has as expected changed its name to Annabels. Just when you think Pattaya can’t get any weirder, something like this happens. A local food vendor was recently surprised to find himself confronted by a monkey brandishing a handgun. A sort of gunfight ensued in which the vendor was faster on the draw, hitting the hapless simian with a rock and causing it to drop the firearm and scuttle off into the undergrowth. Police, who confirmed the firearm to be genuine, loaded and working, said they suspected the weapon had been stolen as it wasn’t normal practice to issue monkeys with gun permits. They have, however, confirmed that this incident is unconnected to the recent mall shooting as, according to witnesses, the perpetrator in that case was “quite a bit taller.” Drift back in time now with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of January 2010, including the true origin of a phrase that has become part of the Monkeywatch heritage… “The Pattaya Traffic Department has reported that a pedestrian wasn’t killed as he crossed the main road in Banglamung last Friday. They say that this brings the total number of pedestrians not killed crossing that road to over 20 for the month of December, which is believed to be an all-time high since records began. They hailed this as a triumph, adding that it proved their unstinting commitment to health and safety. The body of a man was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya the other Tuesday. Although severely decomposed, the body has been identified as a foreigner though his nationality remains unknown. The police could only confirm that he definitely wasn’t Japanese as his penis was more than an inch long. A newbie was overheard in a 7/11 the other day obviously intent on trying out his newly acquired mastery of the Thai language. “Showaddy crap”, he proudly pronounced. The poor bloke behind the counter didn’t know whether he was saying hello or slagging off a 70s British glam-rock band.” In the light of recent events, new accommodation has been prepared for the expected influx of Chinese tourists… Work has started on the installation of extra lighting on a local road intersection after a number of accidents occurred on a stretch of road during the hours of darkness because motorists couldn’t see properly. Since the project began, there have been even more accidents because motorists were dazzled by the new lights. Police are now considering an alternative plan in which motorists will only be allowed to drive along this stretch of road if they employ a monk to walk in front of their vehicle. Nice work if you can get it. A Brit TV station has made a new series called “Busted in Bangkok”, a documentary about the Tourist Police in Bangkok, Pattaya and Phuket as they go about their daily business of dealing with the criminals, retards, scum and stinking pigs otherwise known as quality tourists. If you watched “Big Trouble in Thailand” a few years ago then you really don’t need to bother with this. Probably isn’t worth bothering anyway to be honest. Finally, an elderly Thai man has been hospitalised in Pattaya after his family decided to chuck him out on the street. When asked for an explanation for their behaviour, a family member said “Well, it was him or the dog – and we like the dog.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s Chinese special edition. Well actually there’s other stuff as well. There’s been some discussion about all the crap Chinese goods being sold in Pattaya. We heard a story about a Thai bloke who plugged in his new Chinese-made soldering iron and it immediately blew out all the street lights and melted the fillings in his teeth. Well, what the hell, this is how the Japanese started and they eventually got it right. Not much consolation to soldering iron owners though, and probably even less to the Thai navy who’ve just ordered a Chinese-built submarine. Voyage to the bottom of the barrel? Bali Hai Pier was the scene of a pitched battle a couple of weeks ago when some Thai businessmen had a bit of a difference of opinion about something or other. There were punches and kicks being thrown, along with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and anything else they could get their hands on. A passing group of Chinese tourists got caught in the crossfire but fortunately none of them were injured. They were all killed. Talking about dead Chinese, it was reported that a Chinese woman had plummeted to her demise from a condo, but a subsequent statement said that she was actually Korean. Christ, they can’t even tell each other apart. Must have made the British police in Essex feel a whole lot better about their shortcomings in the ethnic identification department. Another Chinese tourist fell off the back of a baht bus while allegedly playing silly buggers with his mates. He was taken to hospital where his condition was described as “not quite dead.” With this kind of stuff going on, one wonders if the Chinese government has decided that the best way to reduce the population of their country is to send them all to Pattaya. Probably not the best name to choose if you’re trying to attract a respectable clientele… Police had a big crackdown on fireworks over Loy Krathong in an attempt to make things safer and to get back to the traditional spirit of the festival. “Loy Krathong should be about peace and tranquillity”, said a police spokesman, “it shouldn’t be about gangs of noisy drunks falling about and shoving lighted fireworks into each other’s bum cracks. That’s what the 5th of November’s for” A pissed-up Ruskie bloke was arrested twice in the same day for flashing his bollocks at tourists on Koh Larn and at Bali Hai Pier. When asked by police for details of what she saw, a female tourist replied “Well it was like a penis, only smaller.” Looks a bit on the draughty side… Bar news this month is a story of closures, starting with the demise of Peppermint. Another piece of Pattaya history bites the dust. Hidden has gone into hiding, as has its owner. Wildcats has closed and become part of an enlarged Pin Up. Teerak, Yes and Crazy House have also gone, though the latter’s been replaced by Pacha (not much of a replacement apparently.) A couple of Thais have been charged with assault after beating up a middle-eastern chappie on Pattaya Beach. They claimed they were performing a citizen’s arrest until the police pointed out that “being a stinking pig” wasn’t actually a criminal offence. Time for a stroll down memory Soi now with a pair of titbits from Monkeywatch in November 2009… “There was a story reported from South Pattaya about three weeks ago entitled “Canadian loses 500,000 baht’s worth of valuables following room theft”. So how do you smuggle a room out of a hotel without anyone noticing? Two monks were arrested for begging a couple of Saturdays ago after being caught doing the rounds of Third Road bars asking punters for money. They were both taken to the temple in South Pattaya and summarily disrobed, at which point it was discovered that the older man was not even a real monk. The police decided not to pursue the begging offence, but the younger man is believed to have been charged with possession of a fake monk in line with the police’s stated aim of cracking down on counterfeit goods.” Harsher penalties have been introduced for smoking on the beach… Pattaya seems to have inherited the title of The Swinging City after two people hanged themselves in separate incidents on the same morning. When asked to speculate about the reason behind these incidents, a police spokesman said “I suppose someone must have given them enough rope.” Some women’s groups held a march down Beach Road last week to raise awareness about domestic violence. Unfortunately, very few women turned up as the rest has been told by their husbands that they’d get a bloody good hiding if their dinner wasn’t on the table when they got home. Finally, a False Killer Whale that was rescued near Pattaya Beach has subsequently died. Anti- counterfeiting police were stood down after a marine biologist explained to them that it’s actually the name of a species of dolphin. be seeing you monkeyman