monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once again as we grab our spoons and stir the Pattaya porridge for all it's worth. Right, chocks away. Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn't at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell's teeth, what's the world coming to? The way things are going you'll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don't want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once. A deaf and dumb boy was attacked in Soi Yamoto the other Monday by a bloke who tried to steal his wallet and mobile phone. It is believed that the assailant may have been aggrieved after losing several games of pinball to his victim, who is reportedly hoping to go blind in order to improve his game even further. It's good to see that Pattaya has beefed up its coastal defences so that we don't have to worry if another tsunami hits… August 12 is Mothers Day in Thailand but it's not a bumper day for the card shops because you don't have to buy one unless your mother happens to be the Queen, as it's her birthday that's being celebrated. The event was marked in Pattaya by the release into the sea of 90 sharks and 779 turtles, which very quickly became 90 sharks and no turtles. They never learn, do they? Yet another record was broken in Pattaya three weeks ago with the unveiling of the world's longest sasher cake, which measured in at no less than 78 metres. The record in question was presumably for the most boring news story in living memory. A Burmese labourer was stabbed in the legs in early hours of Wednesday morning after he complained about the noise being made by his neighbour. Police are looking for a deaf midget with a knife and a bad temper. Maybe it's the Soi Yamoto pinball wizard looking for some payback. Pattaya Film Productions is currently making a movie based on the events of 9/11. As you can see from this still, it's packed full with state-of-the-art special effects… Bar news now, and as usual there's one or two entrances and exits from the list. Office A Go Go on Soi LK Metro is up and running as of last week and Paris A Go Go on Soi Diamond has closed down, though it should be reopening under new management at the weekend. Nothing to set the world on fire really. If you don't want to risk getting landed with a paternity suit after a trip to Pattaya, remember to practice safe sex. Some say you should always wear a condom, though wearing one during sex should be sufficient. Another way of practising safe sex is to tell the girls your name's Colin and you come from Albania. To date, this cunning ploy has only ever failed once. Sorry Colin. I went into a Pattaya store to buy something (as you do). The conversation with the shopkeeper went something like this. "You want large or small?" "Large please" "No hab" "Okay, I'll have small then" "No hab" I'll get the hang of it one day. Pattaya's much-heralded Titanic replica was finally launched last week. As you can see, it's hard to tell it from the real thing… The Pattaya Police Chief called a meeting last Wednesday with the Baht Bus Cooperative to discuss ongoing issues the city has with the buses. Baht Bus Cooperative? That's about as likely as Taliban Feminist. Anyway, one of the things to come out of the meeting is that baht buses are to be redesigned to prevent crimes such as necklace snatching and pickpocketing. Perhaps, while they're at it, the drivers could also be redesigned to prevent such crimes as loutish behaviour and overcharging punters. The president of the Baht Bus Cooperative is called Khun Tawat. Sounds like the right man for the job. Those of you daft enough to fly with British Airways were no doubt impressed by the news story last Friday about them accidentally playing a message on one of their flights that the plane was about to crash into the sea. One of the passengers was reported as saying "I can't think of anything worse than being told your plane's about to crash". How about "Your plane's about to crash and you've got a very small dick". Finally, it's been reported that a bar employee was lucky to escape with his life last week after a bullet fired at a bar in Third Road missed him. So I guess we were all lucky to escape with our lives because it missed us as well. be seeing you monkeyman

It always is.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to this month's plunge into the murky waters of Fun City. Right, off we go. Well, last month saw Thailand's latest step in the War On Tourism as the authorities decided to crack down on alcohol advertising. Bars were raided, condoms confiscated (no, not that sort) and huge fines threatened for any bar displaying alcohol adverts outside or inside. This is all allegedly "to protect non-drinkers". Protect them from what exactly? Passive drinking? With the attitude this lot have got to tourism, I'm surprised TAT hasn't been declared a terrorist group. The next step is apparently to make the beer bottle labels carry a picture of the effects of drinking. I can picture it now. A bloke with puke down his t-shirt wearing a set of plastic tits and a traffic cone on his head. Sales will soar. In an attempt to repair the damage, TAT organised a four-day 'Sea, Sand and Sun' festival on Beach Road a couple of weeks ago to highlight local culture and goods. The festival featured such diverse elements as decorated floats, sports displays, shows, exhibits and shopping tents. TAT said they expected more than 300,000 people to attend and more than 1.6 billion baht to go into the city's coffers, so I guess the actual reported figures of 41 people and 6280 baht must have come as a bit of a disappointment to them. No doubt they'll blame the rain. They also launched a campaign to publicise the sports facilities in the city. Pattaya has always regarded itself as a centre of sporting excellence, having a fine selection of venues where tourists can experience Thai fighting methods, such as the Fairtex Stadium, the Scorpion Muay Thai Gym and What's Up A Go Go. A local newspaper did its bit by running a competition for people to send in photos of their favourite spots in Pattaya. This was the winner... The boys in brown carried out yet another raid on Sunee Plaza last weekend, the target this time being the "Nice Boys Go Go Bar". Reports said that everyone in the bar was urine tested and 13 employees were found to be under the age of 18. It's amazing what they can find out from urine tests, isn't it? There's been a few people on the Internet recently asking what a Full Moon party is. Well, the basic idea is that you get pissed as a rat, pass out, and some Thais come along and nick all your gear. Speaking of the Internet, I had a email from eBay the other day promising me two days of free insertions but the girls weren't having any of it. A headless corpse was found washed up on Kram Island last Wednesday. A police spokesman said they feared it may the work of a serial killer as they had found a bodyless corpse washed up in the same area just a few hours earlier. There was another publicity coup for Pattaya this month as they unveiled the world's largest cheese grater... The bar scene has one or two stories to offer up this month apart from the plethora of punch-ups of which I'm sure most of you are already aware. The former Ice Bar on Soi LK Metro is to re-emerge as Office A Go Go, Rodeo Girls on Soi Pattayaland 1 has shut up shop and First A Go Go on Soi 8 has closed its doors until September. For those who mourn the passing of the Kilkenny Bar, a new Irish Bar going by the name of Mulligan's has opened on Central Festival Mall. Could be good news for those with deep pockets who like a decent drop of the old falling down water. For anyone daft enough to be interested, the final details of the Pattaya Marathon 2010 have been announced. The start/finish line will be in front of City Hall and the contestants will do some running somewhere in between. Don't know why they bother really. The average Pattaya visitor's idea of a marathon is 26 beers followed by 26 bargirls. American tourists have been complaining about all the fags hanging out on Beach Road. They may have a point... The Wednesday before last, Pattaya City Hall hosted a meeting for government employees who have volunteered to join a Public Health Ministry sponsored weight loss program. The scheme has officially been called "Bye-Bye Fatty" after employees were asked to choose what they thought to be the most appropriate name. This wasn't actually the name that got the most votes, but officials felt that "Fuck Off Lard Ass" might potentially stigmatise the participants. Finally, reports have been received about a Danish chappie who was found in a drugged up state at a bar just off Walking Street. Some said his beer had been laced with alcohol, though this was fiercely denied by the bar owner. Well I believe him. be seeing you monkeyman

I always read all your comments and can assure you that they are very much appreciated. Perhaps I should say so more often. Thanks for the support, guys.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's melee of musings on the happenings in Happy Town. There's been some discussion recently about how the 'girlfriend experience' in Thailand is dying out because of the shitty attitudes of the girls. Or perhaps it's just getting a little too realistic for comfort? Some Brits might be struggling to fund future trips to Pattaya after their new Government came up with a package of austerity measures alleged to be fair but mainly aimed at middle and upper income earners. Of course, they've got it all wrong. What they should have done is taken all the money off the poor. After all, they're experienced at being poor and so have the expertise to deal with it. If you make rich people poor, they don't know what the hell to do. I mean, where do you go for cheap champagne these days? The Pattaya Tourist Authority has issued an apology after its report of a large number of visitors arriving from Poland turned out to be an unfortunate misunderstanding… Very little to report on the bar front this month. Legs on Soi Pattayaland 2 has closed and Peppermint has moved downstairs. Oh, and The Pleasure Dome still hasn't appeared (surprise, surprise). An unusual discovery was made in a house in Soi Neun Plub Wan the other Thursday in the form of a rare insect known as a stink bug. These creatures can be identified by the way they defend themselves with a foul-smelling liquid when they are attacked, though this description could be equally be applied to a drunken expat brandishing a bottle of Chang. A local sign maker was electrocuted a couple of Wednesdays ago while installing a light box in East Pattaya. An official expressed surprise that the man had not survived as he had recently been sacked from a local orchestra for being such a bad conductor. Pattaya has launched a new sized soft drinks bottle in an attempt to capture the American market… The ubiquitous Child and Women Protection Unit still seem to be having an identity crisis, as one of their latest escapades was to bust a World Cup gambling operation in a shop near Third Road. The shop owner was arrested and a punter who was caught placing a bet on England to win the World Cup was sent to a local hospital for psychiatric reports. Pattaya made the Thailand national news the other weekend after a UFO was sighted and filmed by an employee of a local skydiving company. An expert initially identified it as a weather balloon but later conceded that it might have been a German tourist bungee jumping On the last Friday in June, Beach Road hosted a special United Nations sponsored Anti-Human Trafficking Concert. So what exactly are anti-humans then? Are they like anti-matter? Anyway, don't traffic them. You have been warned. Definitely not a seat for lowdown bums… I guess we can't finish without mentioning the coverage of Patts in the British press recently following the shootings in Cumbria by Derrick Bird for which Thailand is obviously to blame. We were regaled with tales of "promises of sexual acts for no more than £5" and the like. If that's true, I think a few girls have been breaking their promises. Shame on them. Don't you just love the British tabloids though? The public at large know little enough about what really goes on in Pattaya, and if they keep reading reports like these they'll end up knowing nothing at all. Still, as one bar owner said, "No publicity is bad publicity". Oh yeah? Tell that to Gary Glitter. Actually, I wonder if old Birdie was a member of the Thai Kisses website? All the blokes on there look like serial killers. Right, I'm off to shoot my brother. And my solicitor. And everybody else. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our 50th edition as the horror that was the curfew fades from what's left of our minds and life in Patts returns to abnormal. For those of you weren't around and missed the dreaded curfew, here's some candid photos of the unfolding drama on the first night, live and as it happened… Here's an action shot on Beach Road at 9pm… And here's one of Walking Street at 10.30pm… And one of LK Metro at midnight… Yes, the last two photos are indeed in the wrong order. No fooling you guys. Sales of barbeques have reportedly plummeted in Bangkok recently as residents save money by cooking their burgers and sausages in the embers of their local shopping malls. It was a case of "There's A Girl in My Soup" on Sukumvit Road the other Saturday when a car went out of control and ran into a load of street vendors, breaking legs and spilling large quantities of soup over stallholders in the process. The driver attempted to flee the scene but police persuaded him to reconsider with the help of a few whacks from their batons. The man claimed that the accident wasn't his fault as his brakes had failed and asked the police to give him a break…or was it a brake? A man's headless corpse was found floating in Samae San Bay recently according to a police spokesman who added that the man was most likely murdered. Guess they've ruled out suicide then. With increasing numbers of Asian tourists arriving in Pattaya, new accommodation is being built to make them feel more at home… If you thought Pattaya barfines were high, have you seen that ginger Brit tart who wanted £500,000 for an introduction to her ex-husband? I wonder if that included the ST room? Bomb disposal experts rushed to a road in East Pattaya last week after a suspicious looking device was spotted near to a train track. The bomb turned out to be a fake but police have not been able to trace its origin as the local street vendors only seemed to be selling genuine ones. Not much in the way of bar news this month. Sapphire Club A Go Go has opened on Soi 15 and Carousel has closed (not before time) with the girls moving to the newly opened Cavern A Go Go on Walking Street. Good luck to 'em. The 'Healing Thailand' religious event designed to promote peace and harmony following the recent troubles was held in a mansion building in North Pattaya at the end of last week. However, there have been reports that scuffles broke out when police tried to arrest a priest for throwing a brick at a man in a coloured shirt, at which point the assembled worshippers retaliated and all hell broke loose. The fighting eventually spilled out into the street and tourists scattered as a hail of bricks, bottles, petrol bombs and God knows what else rained down on them. Order was only restored when a quick thinking monk demolished the entire building with a well-aimed shot from a bazooka that he just happened to have with him. Undaunted, the organisers claimed that the event had been 'a great success' and hope to hold another such gathering next year, though probably at an alternative location. In an unusual turn of events, a tourist recently received a refund from a bar after going back and complaining that the girl he'd barfined was a starfish… Pattaya's most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain 'human trafficking' to them again. Finally, City Hall's latest good idea to promote their fair city is currently under way. Called 'Pattaya Shop On The Beach', the idea is that you.. er..shop on the beach. It is believed to have been inspired by the 'Pattaya Shag On The Beach' initiative that has been so successfully introduced into the local culture by visitors from Russia. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to a new fiscal year full of fun as Monkeywatch celebrates its fourth birthday, an occasion which surely warrants an extra special edition. But that'd be hard work, so sod that. We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that's taking the impersonation just a little bit too far. Well, after the red shirts and the yellow shirts, Pattaya now seems to have acquired itself a new group called the no colour shirts. Serves them right for using cheap washing powder. We've also got the pink shirts, who go on demonstrations to criticise the dress sense of the other factions, and the no shirts who can be identified by their abundance of tacky tattoos and their characteristic way of walking with their knuckles scraping on the ground. Fully furnished pool? Now that's just showing off… The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something. If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail. The hunt is on for a senior Pattaya Police Officer after it was alleged that he was behind a failed attempt to demolish the Temple of the Emerald Buddha in Bangkok with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. The officer who actually carried out the unsuccessful attack, one Police Lance Corporal Bandit (no, really), claimed that his senior colleague had given him 500,000 baht and the weapon with which to accomplish the dastardly deed. He added that he saw nothing wrong with this as a British soldier had once told him that it was normal procedure for senior officers to give junior colleagues the occasional rocket. And if that wasn't enough, police in Jomtien arrested a Thai soldier on Monday morning after he was seen staggering up the beach pissed as a rat and shooting a handgun at anything that moved. Jesus H Christ, what can we expect next? A good kicking from the Tourist Police Volunteers? The local Navy base has announced that it is to deploy the world's first gay mines… Last Friday, a seminar was held at Pattaya City Hall to discuss improvements to late night entertainment venues. No problem fellers, just introduce free beer for the blokes and compulsory nudity for the girls and you're home and dry. Bar stories next, and the old Honey/Sisterz site has once again risen like a phoenix from the ashes in another guise, this time as the Cavern A Go Go, and should be opening this week. Let's just hope the name isn't indicative of what the girls are packing down below. Let's also hope that it doesn't turn out like its namesake in Liverpool – full of pissed up lard-arsed slappers in shell suits. On the other side of the coin, Tramps has closed down, as has Sakura Club 69, though most months it's more of a surprise if it doesn't. We've also lost another group of beer bars, this time on the corner of Soi 9 and 2nd Road, presumably to make way for another guest-free hotel of which Pattaya now seems to have a depressing abundance. It's always nice to send a letter home from Pattaya… Ten homes in Rawiporn Village had their water meters nicked the other week by two blokes posing as security guards. This has reportedly exacerbated water problems in the village, though it should earn the meter readers a bit of overtime. Now here's a strange story. The Tuesday before last, a Thai bloke wandered into the Pratamnuk Police Station and reported that he'd been intimidated and attacked at the Pattaya Viewpoint by two men who then robbed him, stripped him naked and tied him to a tree. Another case of 'Tie a yellow Thai man to the old oak tree'. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another peepshow on Pattaya. Let the eyeballing commence. Well, a couple of weekends ago we were once again treated to that wonderful event known as the Pattaya International Music Festival. The basic idea behind this is that you close some roads for three days causing complete gridlock so that a load of Thai teenage gangs can come into town and have a punch up. Oh, and a few bands that nobody's ever heard of play a few tunes. This has the potential to become as popular as Songkran. Deep joy. There were some rumours flying about that the 60s British band The Scaffold had been sighted behind the main stage but it turned out to be just a misunderstanding… For the duration of the festival, local Thais gave Beach Road the nickname 'Road Of Clap', which cleverly described both the generous applause given to the performers and the locals' opinion of the goods for sale on these stalls… Last Wednesday, members of the Royal Thai Marine Corps took part in a local war games exercise in which large amounts of live ammunition were used. The event was deemed to be a success, though the resultant depletion in ammunition stocks means that any attack from a neighbouring country in the next few months is likely to be repelled by catapults and peashooters. A chappie from Sattahip discovered a live mortar while digging around in a garbage dump for 'items of value' a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps he should get in touch with the Royal Thai Marine Corps. A British expat was arrested in Jomtien the other week for flogging pirate DVD movies. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station and 'processed in accordance with Thai law', so keep your eyes peeled for some DVD bargains in the Soi 9 area. They also arrested a tubby Thai tart for knocking out fake designer handbags, so let's have no more talk about xenophobia. This sign outside the A1 Hotel in Soi 1 has caused considerable consternation among their Japanese guests, many of whom have spent their entire holiday standing up… Meanies in the Thai Government have decided to increase the tax on alcohol this month to discourage all you naughty boys from getting too pissed during Songkran. The increase will be 20 baht per 100ml for drinks containing up to 12 per cent alcohol and 40 baht for anything stronger, so only use bars that water down the drinks. That shouldn't limit your choice too much. There's also been some outrageous talk of a further 20 baht tax on drinks sold to foreigners in bars. Perhaps someone should remind them that they're the bloody foreigners. Not many movers and shakers worth reporting on the bar scene. Powers Club has opened on Walking Street and Mirage and Illusion have both closed. Hardly news to set the world on fire. It'd struggle to light a match. Here's a nice example of health and safety that was observed at the Bridge Bar in Heathrow Terminal 3 a couple of weeks ago. A barman collecting glasses spilt some beer on the wooden floor so the eagle-eyed manager immediately placed one of those 'caution-wet floor' signs over the spot. No further action was taken until about 15 minutes later (by which time the spot had virtually dried out) when a barmaid appeared, mopped the area until it was even wetter than it had started and then removed the sign. Absolutely true, I kid you not. You couldn't make it up, could you? The name doesn't exactly tickle the taste buds… Last Thursday, the Mayor of Pattaya received a gift of 50 cardboard coffins that are apparently for the use of foreigners. Good idea. All they have to do now is put them under hotel balconies and wait. There was some high jinks on Sukhumvit Road last Thursday when a street cleaner discovered a heavy package which he believed might be a bomb. Police were called but the package was found to contain nothing more than brochures from a local air conditioning company. Both the street cleaner and the owner of the company were subsequently arrested just for the hell of it. Finally, the long awaited Highway 7 from Bangkok to Pattaya is finally open so visitors to Pattaya now have even more choice of traffic jams to get stuck in. So perhaps we don't need the Music Festival any more. We can but hope. be seeing you monkeyman

I had this same problem a couple of weeks ago. Seems to be a temporary glitch.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to the month in which Julius Caesar ignored the warnings and got taken from behind - and he wasn't even in Sunee Plaza. Let the games begin. Thailand's tourism council has said that, because of political instability and the possibility of violent protests, foreigners should avoid visiting Bangkok from February 26 onwards. So that means nobody can ever go there again, right? As you're no doubt already aware, Tahitian Queen 1 on Beach Road was raided a couple of weekends ago. The police officers involved, who were from the Human Trafficking Division, claimed the operation to be a great success as they had succeeded in arresting three Polish plumbers and a Bulgarian bricklayer. A couple of their colleagues later arrested a housemaid at View Talay Villas in Jomtien after reports that a woman's pussy had been penetrated in the street, though she was later released after it transpired that her cat had become impaled on a steel fence. When holidaymakers depart from Pattaya, they are respectfully reminded to leave their rooms as they would wish to find them… On February 2, a police box mysteriously appeared on Beach Road. Police have no idea where it came from and investigations are continuing. Remember Naklua opening its own version of Walking Street that was going to give Pattaya a whole new image? Well, it's closed down already. Just more proof if it were needed that social engineering in Pattaya is about as feasible as knitting fog. A Thai bloke was shot dead the other Saturday at a bar in Pattanagan Road, East Pattaya where he worked as a DJ. It is believed he had been playing Barry Manilow records for several hours on the night in question and this may have provoked the gunman, who now faces a charge of justifiable homicide. To keep Pattaya at the cutting edge of cinematographic technology, the local authority is proud to announce the opening of the city's first 3D movie theatre… Bars news now, and Walking Street welcomes yet another new Go Go with the impending opening next week of Powers Club upstairs from Champion. Other news includes the reopening of Rodeo Girls (yawn) and Fun Room closing yet again. That place opens and closes so often it's like having a neon sign outside. On February 4, a new police box funded by the local community of Nong Maidang was opened on Sukhumvit Road. Unfortunately, the key was entrusted to a chap known only as 'The Doctor' and neither him nor the box have been seen since. A worker was rushed to hospital the other week after suffering severe burns in the Nong Pla Lai district while erecting a neon sign outside a convenience store. Locals are referring to the incident as "the tragic events of 7/11". There's a new police chief in town and reports say that prostitution is high on his agenda. Sounds like we have a lot in common. And he's not the only new kid on the block with the opening of the first Interplod office in Pattaya. Shares in companies manufacturing brown trousers have reportedly hit an all-time high. Affluent Asian tourists never miss an opportunity for vulgar displays of wealth, particularly when showing off their newly purchased supercars… Yet another Asian tourist was robbed of his worldly goods on Beach Road the other night, this time by three blokes pretending to be police officers. You know, Pattaya has definitely become a much safer place for Westerners since the influx of dopey Asian tourists gave the muggers and ladyboys some much easier targets to go for. I think we all owe them a debt of gratitude. Silly buggers. Seventy people convicted of drunk driving offences have each been sentenced to six hours community service - presumably as baht bus drivers until they sober up. Police arrested a Pattaya market fish vendor on Saturday after she was caught selling class 1 drugs. Perhaps she should try opening a drug store and selling class 1 fish. Finally, the much-publicised February 15 concert by Droop Noise and the Crackdowns was cancelled after they failed to show up. No refunds were given to those who were daft enough to buy tickets. be seeing you monkeyman

I'll have some of that. See you there Dave.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and if you think you think you've got problems with snow, whenever my girlfriend goes to powder her nose I have lend her a straw. But I digress, so on with the show. A Russian tourist was sliced in two by a speedboat the other Monday whilst swimming in a boating channel off the coast of Koh Larn. A police spokesman said they were still trying to locate the man's other half, though it's unclear at this stage whether or not they were referring to his wife. Last week saw the staging of the Cowboy Music Carnival 2010 at Bali Hai Port in South Pattaya. The audience were treated to a selection of old favourites such as 'Cotton-Eyed Jao', 'Yellow Rose of Tha Khlong' and 'Take Me Home, Country Sois'. Central Festival Hall was the venue for this year's annual Pattaya Underwater Farting Competition. The winner, Mr Fukkmee Wattapong, set a new tournament record when he produced this startling array of bubbles… The other Monday, a street vendor staggered into Dongtan Police Station to report that he had been robbed at gunpoint while selling bags to tourists. A statement from the police said that this was a clear case of Bagman and Robbin'. A Norwegian bloke made a complaint to Pattaya Police the other week that 34,675 baht had gone missing from his hotel safety deposit box. He was immediately arrested for pedantry and placed on the sex offenders' register. Speaking of people from cold countries getting robbed, an Icelandic tourist was relieved of his cash a couple of weekends ago by three ladies he had taken to his room. He passed out after drinking a glass of water given to him by one of them and woke up the next morning to find himself ladyless and potless. He told police he suspected that the water was drugged. No shit, Sherlock. The moral of this story is 'avoid water – and anyone who looks like they might be from Iceland'. There's always plenty of useful information on hand for new visitors to Pattaya… Police were called to Soi Neun Plub Wan the Friday before last after local residents discovered the body of a construction worker inside a plastic container. The exact circumstances of his death remain a mystery but it has been rumoured that it may lead to Tupperware parties being reclassified as dangerous sports. Bar stuff next, so let's start with the bad news (well, not so bad actually). Snowice on Walking Street has closed, as has Limmatquai (aka Poof's Paradise) on Soi Diamond, and Hospita disco on Walking Street shut up shop before most folks even knew it had opened. On the upside, Tramps in Soi Diamond has just reopened as a Go Go with the promise of some new ideas (whatever that means), and the area above the Siren Beer Bar Complex is to be redeveloped yet again for an anticipated reopening in April under the name of Siren Square. It will reputedly feature beer bars and a Go Go, which sounds not entirely dissimilar (as in exactly the same) as its last spectacularly unsuccessful incarnation. Still, it's their money (for now). One can't help but feel that it might have been smarter to conduct their tests a little further away from that barbecue in front of the van… Rescue units were called to North Pattaya the Tuesday before last to assist a Thai fellow who'd apparently tried to commit suicide by consuming a bottle of toilet cleaner. A hospital spokesman said they were treating it as a cry for help as if he'd been making a serious attempt he would've swallowed some seawater. Officials from Chiang Mai Open Zoo visited Pattaya at the beginning of the month on a fact-finding trip to see how animal parks and zoos operate in the area. They visited Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens and Sriracha Tiger Zoo while noticeably avoiding the Crocodile Park, possibly due to its alarming propensity to turn the surrounding area into something resembling Jurassic Park whenever the crocs decide to take advantage of the establishment's well-documented security shortcomings. Finally, to make way for the bar crackdown scheduled to begin this month, the upcoming civil war has had to be postponed until further notice. We apologise for any inconvenience. be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for pic 3)

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Happy New Year to one and all as we emerge from behind our sofas after pretending not to be in when the usual hordes of ghastly relatives came to visit. Okay, on with the business. There was a nasty incident the other Friday when a truck went out of control just off the Pratamnuk Road and crashed in the base of an apartment complex, spilling its payload of quick drying cement over a crowd of elderly residents. So some old people really are set in their ways. A lottery ticket vendor in East Pattaya had a less than happy Christmas when she was whacked across the head with a metal pipe and robbed of her tickets and cash. The thief escaped the scene but was later apprehended when he came back to her with a winning ticket and demanded his prize money. This year is to see a major upgrade of the emergency services in Pattaya, particularly in the area of response times. A spokesman said that in future they hoped to be able to measure the response times on a stopwatch rather than on a calendar. You really have to admire the artistry of Pattaya dogs when it comes to crapping on seats… Bar news now, and the boys in brown have been taking the piss again with samples being obtained from staff and Thai customers in Insomnia and Lucifer during raids last Monday. It is rumoured that Pattaya now has the largest urine database in Asia, a feat of which they are no doubt justifiably proud. Other developments include the opening of Baccara A Go Go on the old Molly Malone's site and a new coyote bar called Teazers at the front of the corridor leading to Living Dolls One. Could be handy, that – it's hell of a long corridor to go down without being able to get a drink. A Swedish bloke was arrested a couple of Wednesdays ago after being spotted on Third Road driving a bogus police car while pissed out of his skull. He turned out to be a wannabe Tourist Police Assistant Trainee who'd been chucked off the training course. All his police paraphernalia was confiscated, though he was allowed to keep his furry pink handcuffs after it was decided that such items were more likely to be used in the committal of an offence than the prevention of one. Central Festival Hall is delighted to announce that it has just received its first consignment of Tom Jones size condoms… A newbie was overheard in a 7/11 the other day obviously intent on trying out his newly acquired mastery of the Thai language. "Showaddy crap", he proudly pronounced. The poor bloke behind the counter didn't know whether he was saying hello or slagging off a 70s British glam-rock band. The Pattaya Traffic Department has reported that a pedestrian wasn't killed as he crossed the main road in Banglamung last Friday. They say that this brings the total number of pedestrians not killed crossing that road to over 20 for the month of December, which is believed to be an all time high since records began. They hailed this as a triumph, adding that it proved their unstinting commitment to health and safety. In an attempt to improve the flow of pedestrians along Beach Road, special zones have been designated for tourists with excessively large buttocks… The body of a man was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya the other Tuesday. Although severely decomposed, the body has been identified as a foreigner though his nationality remains unknown. The police could only confirm was that he definitely wasn't Japanese as his penis was more than an inch long. Speaking of Japanese, a Japanese comedian broke his ankle in an incident at the Tropicana Hotel on Beach Road just before Christmas after being fired from a cannon during the filming of a television game show. The show's producers said the programme would have to be postponed until he recovered as it would be difficult to find another man of his calibre. Guess their jokes aren't any newer than his. And speaking of small penises, a survey carried out in India has concluded that international size condoms are too large for the majority of Indian men, whose todgers are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacturing. Doctor Chander Puri of the Indian Council of Medical Research said "The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears". Perhaps somebody should tell them that you're only supposed to use them once. be seeing you monkeyman

I think they did have a go a while back. If I remember correctly, some of the girls were found to have work permits as ballerinas.

The Sabai Wing thermostats are on the outside of the units so easier still.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our festive edition as we remember The Nativity, the story which taught us all that you won't get a room at Christmas if you haven't booked in advance. A gathering of 3500 newly recruited bureaucrats was addressed by the Interior Minister at a two-day seminar in Jomtien the other week. They were told, amongst other things, that they must protect the country and abolish drugs. And no doubt during their lunch breaks they'll be eliminating poverty, ending war and reversing climate change. November 14 saw the opening of Louis Tussaud's Waxworks at Royal Garden Plaza. The place has already courted controversy by erecting a large effigy of Adolf Hitler on the outskirts of Pattaya, though they later made amends by replacing it with effigies of Osama bin Laden and Gary Glitter. Desperate for a girl? Ring 'Dial A Slapper' and they'll have one with you in five minutes… And now, a little snippet from Bangkok. It seems that the Nana Hotel (aka the Cockroach Hilton) has adopted a policy that you can only take one lady at a time to your room. Well, they've got their good name to think of, haven't they? Three Thai blokes who were about to vandalise a phone box in Jomtien last Thursday got more than they bargained for when they were attacked by a group of civil volunteers who were working nearby. The volunteers beat the men with pieces of the phone that they ripped out of the box then smashed their heads through every pane of glass in the cubicle to subdue them until the police turned up. The police commended the plucky volunteers for their valuable help in eradicating the scourge of telephone box vandalism. Thailand's British Ambassador Quinton Quayle (no, really) is trying to persuade all British expats and tourists to register with a new tracker service set up by the UK's Foreign and Commonwealth Office so that if necessary they "will be able to contact your next of kin and locate you". Nice try Quint. Perhaps you'd like to strap a CCTV camera to my dick while you're at it. If your Thai girlfriend complains that you never give her an orgasm, try showing her this… Bar news next, and this month it's been the turn of Club Blu to be piss-tested as the now familiar druggie/tea money raids continue. Nice work if you're into water sports though. What's Up is to open its upstairs floor to the public in a couple of weeks time. The new bit, which will be called What's Up Imagine, will apparently have a completely different concept to the bar downstairs. Blokes putting their clothes on, maybe? Not much else to report except for the opening of Cosy A Go Go on Walking Street, which is small, loud and plays crap music. A bit like Elton John really. Last Friday, a disaster simulation exercise of a road crash was held on Pattaya Third Road to test if local services could cope. Following the success of this operation, Walking Street has been chosen as the venue for the next disaster simulation exercise in which the bars will run out of beer and the Go Go girls will all perform in anoraks. A Thai woman gave herself up to the police the other weekend after killing her partner during an argument. The details are a bit sketchy, but the moral of the story would seem to be "If a Thai woman wants you to put something on the third finger of her left hand, think twice before responding with the second finger of your right". If you're worried about climate change, book your airport transfer with Mr Tingtong's Eco-Friendly Taxi Service. He only charges 500 baht and you'll also save on hotel bills as by the time you get to Pattaya it'll be time to go back to the airport to catch your flight home… The other Wednesday morning, the editor of a local Thai newspaper contacted police to report that someone had deposited a pile of shit on his office, though all the attending officers were able to find was a bundle of British tabloid newspapers that had been delivered to his premises by mistake. Part of Sukumvit Road had to be closed last Saturday after a large black hole appeared in its surface. An official from the local Highways department initially tried to blame the Hadron Collider for this unfortunate event, but eventually decided to change his story after having a short discussion with a policeman and his truncheon. Finally, the Pattaya Longboat and Buffalo Racing Event took place on November 21 and 22 at the Maprachan Reservoir. Final result - longboats won, buffalos drowned. be seeing you monkeyman

Beats me why anyone would want to spend their Xmas surrounded by the sort of pissed-up tossers that Pattaya normally attracts over that period. Humbug.

Good.

...or maybe it's me.

I doubt if it was the allegations.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, as we light the blue touch paper of our damp squib and remember Guy Fawkes, the only bloke in history who knew how to deal with politicians. Right, off we go. There was a story reported from South Pattaya about three weeks ago entitled "Canadian loses 500,000 baht's worth of valuables following room theft". So how do you smuggle a room out of a hotel without anyone noticing? Two monks were arrested for begging a couple of Saturdays ago after being caught doing the rounds of Third Road bars asking punters for money. They were both taken to the temple in South Pattaya and summarily disrobed, at which point it was discovered that the older man was not even a real monk. The police decided not to pursue the begging offence, but the younger man is believed to have been charged with possession of a fake monk in line with the police's stated aim of cracking down on counterfeit goods. Part of the new pavement on Beach Road was closed recently after an eagle-eyed council worker spotted a hairline crack in its surface… The Monday before last, two men were approached on Thappraya Road in South Pattaya by three Thai chappies who said they were police officers. They searched their victims and stole money and mobile phones from them before fleeing with their ill-gotten gains. It is believed that the men were impersonating police officers and their behaviour would certainly suggest this to be the case. After receiving complaints from Indian authorities about the way their citizens were being treated in Pattaya, the Tourist Authority Of Thailand attempted to defuse the situation by telling them to "fuck off and stop whingeing". A reception was held at Royal Garden Plaza the other Tuesday for the finalists of the 2009 Miss Poland Contest as part of their tour of Thailand prior to the competition. They were given a warm welcome and assured that they would all be welcome to enter a Thailand beauty contest as long as nobody found out that they were really girls. Speaking of which, the Miss International Queen contest took place at the Tiffany Show Theatre at the weekend, in which a bunch of unsavoury looking poofs put on their best frocks to compete for the title and this impressive trophy… Entertainment news next, and what else to begin with than the reopening of Devil's Den. The authorities obviously realised that all those stories about the place were just scurrilous lies. Of course, we all knew that already, didn't we? Club Mirage on Soi Diamond has reopened under new management and Coyotees A Go Go has closed, reportedly for good this time. Oh, and Insomnia was raided again, though they had some company this time as Lucifer's and Mixx were raided as well, the latter taking place the night after the Mayor had visited the place to celebrate their birthday. Guess somebody must have pissed him off. Perhaps they made him pay for his drinks. A Korean tourist was detained by police a couple of weeks back after he was spotted walking down the middle of Naklua Road and handing out all his cash to bemused motorists. The man was judged to be having a mental breakdown and was taken to hospital for psychiatric treatment. Bloody loony. Why couldn't he have handed all his cash over to bar girls like any normal bloke? It must have been a bad week for Korean tourists as another one was arrested the very next day after being caught breaking into a shop and stealing ice coffee and water. When the policeman arrived, the tourist allegedly said "You for coffee?" and was then charged with using abusive language as well as with breaking and entering. There was some drama in Pattaya last week when an experimental Thai Air Force jet got into difficulties… Fire units were called to Naklua Road recently after a fire broke out on the premises of a curtain company. The chief fire officer, Mr Ukan Sukmadik, told the owner it was "an open and shut case" and that he should "pull himself together". The owner is now in police custody facing assault charges and Mr Sukmadik is recovering in hospital after undergoing an operation to remove a curtain pole from his rectum. Finally, a Thai bloke was arrested the other week for throwing a stone in the face of a 15-year-old girl as she was walking along the road. He was called Khun Tawat. Couldn't have put it better myself. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's hot off the press stories that you'll be able to read about in Pattaya People in six months' time. There was a minor disturbance in one of the fast food joints last week when an Arab starting mouthing off about his food not being hot enough. Fortunately, the establishment's customer service manager was on hand to smoothe over the situation by hitting him in the face with a chair. I must say it's most gratifying to see that so many businesses in Pattaya are taking the trouble to equip their staff with the necessary interpersonal skills for dealing with customer complaints. Did you know there's a place in Naklua called German Skatclub? The word is that it's a load of crap, but in this particular case that might well be a recommendation. Whenever you need any cheap booze or provisions when you're in Pattaya, all you need to do is take a trip to your local 9/11... An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat. Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back "Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her. The biggest news on the bar scene is the imminent opening on Walking Street of what is being touted as the biggest go go bar in Thailand. The Pleasure Dome is being constructed on the site of the old Hammer Disco and is due to open in November. They're currently recruiting hundreds of girls to work there so keep your eye on developments. On a sadder note, the infamous Devil's Den was closed down after someone had the audacity to suggest that improper activities were taking place on the premises. Can't imagine how they got such an idea. So what'll it be next then? Satan's Suite? Beelzebub's Bar? Another sad event was the closure of Molly Malone's on Walking Street, which is to be turned into, yes, you guessed it, another bloody Go Go. Here we see the old place being taken away on the back of a lorry. Deep grief… You can always get a giggle in Pattaya watching the latest batch of young newbie knobheads trying to impress the girls with their 'dancing'. Last time I saw a bloke move like that he'd got a ferret down his trousers. And they wonder why the girls piss themselves laughing. Thai girls often tell farang guys that it's disrespectful to hide your banknotes in your shoe as they carry a picture of the monarch so you end up with your foot on his face. So come on guys, show some respect and keep them in the arse pocket of your trousers. People always seem to be going on about Ban Chang these days. Seems a bit pointless. I mean, if they don't like it they don't have to drink it. Here we see staff in a Pattaya shopping mall gearing themselves up for the latest batch of 'quality tourists' that the city seems to be so keen to attract… As time goes by, it becomes more and more obvious that the Land Of Smiles rule book has an exclusion clause for baht bus drivers. Christ, from the look on their faces when you hand your fare over you'd think it was them having to pay you. Perhaps STDs should also stand for Sourfaced Taxi Drivers. Finally, the organisers of the Pattaya Sports Club Table Tennis Tournament would like to thank the touts on Walking Street for making their event a sell out, though it seems that some of the people who turned up were expecting a different kind of ping pong show. be seeing you monkeyman

It's nice but I wouldn't say it was worth the extra. On the other hand, if you're going to do it, do it now as it'll probably never be this cheap again.

Guess you've never been to GB then.

Hearses might be more appropriate.