monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our midsummer madness edition full of…well, same as usual. Here it is. A South Pattaya pharmacy has been shut down by police after it was found to be selling unlicensed sex enhancement drugs. The offences came to light after a tourist discovered that the Viagra tablets he had bought from them were in fact laxative pills. "It was terrible" he told police "I didn't know whether I was coming or going". An English fellow was arrested by Pattaya Immigration Officers the other Tuesday after his shop on Third Road was raided and found to contain numerous sex toys illegal in Thailand, including a large quantity of rubber penises. The man claimed that they weren't in fact penises but models of Prince William that he was hoping to sell to cash in on the British Royal Wedding. One should of course only buy officially licensed Royal merchandise such as this bust of Prince Charles… It's been announced that for the duration of the Thai election campaign, nobody will be allowed to even mention the… er, sorry… we're not allowed to mention it. A sign outside a tailor's shop on Walking Street caught fire the other Wednesday night, giving a passing crowd of rubberneckers yet another sight to gawp at. Nobody was injured in the fire, though the shop is now reported to be having a sale of smoking jackets and blazers. Speaking of conflagrations, it's been reported that a two million baht fire has destroyed a shipyard in North Pattaya. Christ, if they spend that much on their fires no wonder they've got no money left to buy bloody ships. The local authorities in Pattaya never miss an opportunity to disseminate useful information to holidaymakers… Bars news now, and we begin with some high profile departures, namely Hooty's on Walking Street, Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro and U Too Bar on Second Road. Fantasy A Go Go has also a gone gone after a very brief life as a "Go Go on demand", though the bar side of the business is still open. Perhaps they should try it as a 7/11 on demand for drinks sales. I think people would flock to something like that. On the plus side, the strangely named Rhino A Go Go is due to open on Walking Street. Something to do with getting the horn I suppose. Or powdered rhino horn. Or who gives a shit. Nine Uzbekistani prostitutes were arrested in Jomtien the other Thursday after being grassed up by one of their own. Unfortunately, none of the attending officers knew how to spell 'Uzbekistani' on the charge sheet, so they got round the problem by letting them go and arresting nine ladyboys instead. It's been reported that police are cracking down on motorbike helmets. Won't that break them? They didn't look too strong to start with. A Vietnamese tour bus was involved in a crash with a car last week while on its way to a Pattaya hotel. Fortunately, only 412 of the passengers were injured. This is the tour bus in question. The business class accommodation is at the back… The weekend before last, police 'inspected' some Go Go Bars on Walking Street and two of them were found to be having sex shows. The reports didn't specify how many bars they visited. Two, presumably. Finally, does anyone remember the 74 touch screen tourist information kiosks that were installed around Pattaya at the beginning of last year at a cost of 37 million baht? No, probably not, because they never actually worked and most of them ended up being dumped on City Hall car park, where they remain to this day. So next time you criticise your local council, just remember, you could do worse. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to a moistened Monkeywatch as we blow-dry another Songkran into the dustbin of history. Video evidence would suggest that it was Bangkok that put the tit into titillating this year, but anyway, on to local matters. Police who carried out a raid on an address in Sukhumvit Road discovered a cache of no less than 212,000 shotgun cartridges hidden on the premises. The owner claimed that the ammunition was fully licensed and the raid was just another case of the police shooting themselves in the foot. So now they can presumably only charge him with possession of 211,999 cartridges. Indian businessman Mr Deep Dudu will not now be naming his new Pattaya hotel the Syphilis Resort after colleagues persuaded him that it wasn't a very good idea. Mr Dudu said he got the idea after seeing Big C and thinking that Thais must like to name their amenities after nasty diseases. "I think I've found Osama bin Laden"… The Thailand Development Research Institute has announced that zoning is to be introduced into the agriculture industry. This is presumably due to concern over farms being situated too close to schools and temples. Must protect the monks and kiddies you know. There will apparently be three zones, which will be designated according to their purpose, though these have yet to be defined. So will any of the zones permit farms to stay open all night? And will there be a crackdown on fields displaying lewd-shaped vegetables? And is anybody getting a strange feeling of déjà vu? It has finally been established that an Australian was kidnapped by police impersonators when he returned to his car after visiting a Pattaya market. This follows earlier incorrect reports that some policemen had been kidnapped by an Australian impersonator, an Australian policeman had been kidnapped by female impersonators, and an Australian police impersonator had kidnapped himself. You just can't trust the press these days. One often spots exotic vehicles parked on the streets of Pattaya, such as this Irish supercar… Bar news this month is a little sparse, as there's no longer a Sakura Club 69 to open or close. Sexy A Go Go on Soi 7 has reopened after a refit, and Beavers on Walking Street has closed due to the expiry of its lease, though it's expected to reopen elsewhere in the near future. In the meantime, the girls and staff have temporarily relocated to Misty's on Soi 15. Police were called to a bungalow last week after a Thai chauffeur was found dead. Though there were no suspicious circumstances, police later arrested the man's employer at the funeral after he insisted that his deceased employee travel in the front of the hearse while he himself rode in the back. Acting on a tip off, police arrested 40 thieves in this Pattaya restaurant… There was a Gastrointestinal and Liver Center Open Day held at the Bangkok Hospital Pattaya last Wednesday. This was no doubt of great interest to those who like open intestines and livers, as they usually have to hang around on street corners and wait for a motorbike accident. Finally, the British Royal Wedding was much viewed in the bars of Pattaya, though it must have seemed a little strange to Thais who are more used to a bloke losing his willy than to a girl gaining one. be seeing you monkeyman

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's surf on the tsunami of Sodom (not forgetting Gomorrah) that we know as Fun City. Well, the Pattaya Music Festival came and went with precious few reports of the gang fights, drunkenness, drug taking, vandalism and all the usual stuff we've come to associate with this happy annual gathering. Don't know what's the matter with people these days. No sense of tradition. Never mind, there's always Songkran. One little side story to emerge was that 300 CCTV cameras were repaired in time for the Music Festival. Makes you wonder how many were actually broken – and how many there actually are. Big Pee Chai is watching you. A 24-hour drug suppression operation was carried out by Banglamung Police last week in an effort to root out all those horrible nasty substances that blight the landscape of Pattaya. A police spokesman said that nine people had been arrested and he was very pleased with the haul of drugs that had been confiscated from the hapless miscreants. He then ran off down the street waving his arms and screaming that he was being chased by a giant spider called Colin. Inspired by the kit car market, a Soi 2 hotel is offering rooms at a discount if you don't mind building them yourself... It's been announced that 700 baht buses in Pattaya are to be fitted with "green" brakes in yet another effort to save the planet from doom and destruction. The biggest obstacle to overcome appears to be that the baht bus drivers just don't seem able to grasp the concept. Green they can understand, but brakes? Younger readers might be interested to know that the new Nintendo 3DS hand held game console is now available in Pattaya, though concerns have been expressed in some quarters that it may potentially cause damage to the eyesight. Older readers will no doubt hark back to the days when they were young and there was only one hand held game for them to play - and that wasn't too good for the eyesight either. It looks like the demand for motorised pogo sticks in Pattaya isn't living up to expectations... Chonburi is to step up its battle against human trafficking after news reached the local mandarins about a number of organisations that have been indulging in this vile trade. These organisations, known as "airlines", have apparently been transporting vulnerable men from all over the world to Thailand where they have been coerced into indulging in drunkenness, prostitution and boisterous behaviour. Shame on them. A German bloke died last week after falling from his stool in a Naklua bar after consuming a large amount of rum. A member of the bar's staff was later sacked as a result of this incident, presumably for not watering the rum down enough. One of the many new attractions on Beach Road is this live 'hangman' game... Bar news now, and yes, Sakura Club 69 has disappeared yet again, but this time in order to be reincarnated as Climax A Go Go. Shark Club has reopened after a refit, and Titty Twister now has a sequel in the form of (you guessed it) Titty Twister 2, which has opened on Third Road next to Buffalo Bar. And for anyone that was aware that First A Go Go had opened, it's closed. Speaking of bars, the gaffer of Kiss A Go Go had his collar felt by the boys in brown the other night for working without a permit when he was caught standing outside his bar. Standing outside bars is of course a very popular career choice for ambitious upwardly mobile Thais, and they don't like farangs coming to their country and taking all the prestige jobs. Finally, there's been a fair bit of comment in recent times about how bar girls are developing a more and more shitty attitude towards good old Johnny punter. Some say this is because of the declining standard of customer, and when you look around at some of the mindless sub-human dregs that are scraping their knuckles round the sois of Pattaya these days, you can't help but think that they may have a point. No wonder the Thais consider themselves to be superior - so do the bloody cockroaches. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the hot tub of hedonism that goes by the name of Pattaya. Best appendage forward. A tourist from Kuwait had a nasty shock the other Saturday when he returned to his hotel room in South Pattaya to discover that his safe had been stolen. Police investigating the incident believe it may have been the work of thieves. A police spokesman said "Our vast experience in this area of crime has taught us that when items such as this are stolen, it is usually thieves who are responsible". The investigation continues. Police were called to a Soi Buakhao karaoke bar last week after an elderly British tourist collapsed and died during his turn on the karaoke machine. The cause of death has not yet been established, but as the man was reported to have been singing a Bee Gees number at the time of his demise it has been speculated that he may have been asphyxiated by his trousers. Looks like Al Qaeda A Go Go had a good night last night… Bar news now, and what else could we start with than the news that Sakura Club 69 has opened yet again. We'll let you know if it closes down again before we finish the paragraph. Utopia A Go Go on Soho Square has also made a comeback under new management. M*A*S*H A Go Go opened its doors on Soi LK Metro last Saturday, and the Soi also boasts yet another new Go Go in the shape of Sexy Submarine. Boy, these guys sure come up with some erotic names for their bars. And would you believe it, Polo has made a surprise comeback on Walking Street to replace its replacement, the repellent rip-off joint known as Lady's Shadow Club. Hoorah. A bloke was shot twice the other night after trying to leave a karaoke bar without paying his tab for the two rounds of shooters he'd bought for himself and his cronies. The owner explained it was a rule of the house that if you didn't pay up for a couple of rounds of shots then you got shot with a couple of rounds. Nice to see that Thai workmen keep the tools of their trade in really tip top condition… A fruit vendor was killed in Central Pattaya the other week after being involved in a road accident with a car driven by a navy official. Following speculation in the local press, the police released a further statement to make it clear that the description 'fruit vendor' alluded to a seller of foodstuffs and not to a bar owner from Sunee Plaza. The navy lads were also involved in an incident a few days later when a bloke from the local base was killed after he fell asleep while driving home after a night drinking with sailors. A police spokesman said that while accidents of this kind were very regrettable, occurrences involving drink and seamen have always been very common in Pattaya. Don't get too close to these red and white things. The word is that you can be arrested for approaching small buoys… A Thai bloke was arrested last Tuesday after being caught by a restaurant owner behind his premises stealing lengths of electric cable. The man was taken to the police station where he confessed to the crime, adding that he had planned to wear it along with one of his wife's dresses and go to a local fancy dress party as a cable TV. Finally, a warning for anyone walking along Second Road in the region of Soi 2. You should keep an eye out for a large hole in the sidewalk caused by the disappearance of a drain cover. Tourists are advised to take extra care in this area until about 11pm, by which time the hole is normally filled in with drunks who didn't see it and can be crossed without fear of injury. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another look through our bloodshot eyeballs at the latest deeds of darkness in the Devil's dominion. Well, the big shock horror news of the last month must surely be that Pattaya Beach may vanish within five years. Christ on a bike, those bloody Thais will nick anything if it isn't nailed down, and beaches are particularly tricky buggers in that respect. Actually, the biggest surprise is that they haven't blamed it on climate change. They must be saving that one to blame for the increase in beer prices. Still, at least it'll get rid of the jet-ski scammers – or will it? Looking at some of the old wrecks that pass for tourists these days, maybe the day of the mobility scooter scammer is about to dawn. Did you make that damp patch on the seat? That'll cost you 50,000 baht, matey… The 'Zone Wars' talks about the licensing of entertainment venues in Pattaya have resumed at City Hall, with presentations being given by both Mayor Ippititimus and District Chief Mongol Hammerkittykat. The mayor said that there would be no change to bar closing times before 2012, but we were very disappointed to find that this was still the case at 2100, a full 48 minutes later. Meanwhile, the government has begun talks on a "sustainable tourism plan" for Pattaya. This is of course the second such plan, the first of which was to replace affluent Western tourists with smelly, uncouth, cashless dregs from the armpits of Asia and Eastern Bloc countries that most people can't even pronounce. Keep up the good work, boys. Thanks for the information, but just what are we supposed to do with it? … Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting? Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya's image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned. Acting on a tip off, undercover police recently arrested two Cambodians drug traffickers, each of whom was found to have 250 yabba tablets in his rectum. Best stick with the beer, eh? Not much in the way of bar news this month, though there are one or two new developments in the offing. Gentlemen's Club on Soi Diamond has metamorphosed into Blue Bar and is now a bog standard coyote joint. Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro is also to become a coyote bar in competition with its neighbour Club Blu, and just round the corner opposite Champagne we will shortly have M*A*S*H A Go Go, so keep an eagle eye (or Hawkeye) out for that. Crime on Beach Road continues to be a problem, with another wheelie bin found murdered last Tuesday… Two Russians were given a good kicking by sales staff the other week for taking photos inside a shoe shop - hardly a heinous crime on the face of it. It's not clear whether the staff took exception to the photography or whether they were just demonstrating their extensive range of footwear by using it to boot hapless tourists round the store. Either way, the Russians clearly weren't impressed as both left the premises without making a purchase. Finally, a monk was injured last Wednesday while trying to defuse three ping-pong bombs which he found in the grounds of his temple. The devices are believed to have been stolen from one of the showgirls at the soon to be opening Al Qaeda A Go Go. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to you all, and welcome as we embark on our sixth year of bringing you the month's news stories through a different pair of spectacles. A Thai bloke had a bit of a nasty experience a couple of weeks ago when his wife bit his dick off during a 'domestic dispute'. His luck didn't improve when she then proceeded to stab him to death, though perhaps it was just as well, as being in Pattaya without a dick would have been a bit like being in Afghanistan without a gun. Just to even things out gender-wise, a Thai woman was stabbed to death by her husband last Wednesday after she refused to return home for the dinner he had prepared for them. Police are still hunting for the husband, who now faces a sentence of life imprisonment and remedial cookery classes. And to complete the trilogy of murder and mayhem, a Cambodian fisherman was stabbed to death by four or five blokes outside a convenience store. Wasn't very convenient for him, was it? If any of you know the girl who owns this dildo, we suggest that you don't tell your friends… Five Thai men were detained by police last weekend after attempting to bundle a Norwegian man into their car on Second Road. A police spokesman said that street thefts of this sort were becoming more and more common in Pattaya and advised holidaymakers going out for the evening to leave their expensive jewellery and Norwegians in their hotel rooms. A young local chappie claiming to be a Police Volunteer was arrested the other Monday after approaching a Thai couple on Pattaya Beach. He had demanded that they hand over her bag and his ID card for inspection but instead they phoned the real police and he was apprehended shortly afterwards. The couple said they had become suspicious of the man as he hadn't assaulted them or demanded cash in the traditional time-honoured fashion. Following complaints from Indian tourists about the lack of activities that the whole family can join in, Big C has installed a new table football machine… Bars news now, and the headline of the month was surely the final demise of Club Boesche, a truly apocalyptic hero-to-zero crash of biblical proportions… sorry, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, it's gone. Another recent Monkeywatch prediction came to pass with the closure of Atlantis A Go Go after an indecently brief lifespan. Powers on Walking Street also bit the dust after a relatively short existence. A couple of new places have just opened though, namely Kiss A Go Go on Soi LK Metro and Clinic A Go Go on Soi 7. Let's hope they have a bit more staying power, eh? Police are investigating another outbreak of drain cover thefts after a further incident was reported by a motorcyclist a couple of weeks ago. The man said he first became suspicious while riding his bike home in the early hours of the morning when he suddenly plunged down a 20-foot hole and landed on his face, as he made the journey regularly and this didn't normally happen. In an effort to bolster its green credentials, Pattaya is attempting to stop cycle thefts by employing these new organic 'stingers' on Beach Road… The police mounted a road safety check campaign over the Christmas period in an attempt to keep a few locals and tourists alive into the New Year. The general consensus seems to be that the roads are perfectly safe – it's the drunken lunatics who drive on them that are the problem. Finally, a local school's plan for a ceremony to ordain up to 350 girls as Buddhist nuns didn't quite live up to expectations when no one turned up. Maybe the girls have another career path in mind? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Cool Yule edition where we once again remember the story of the Nativity, which taught us that even wise men don't know shit about buying presents for kids. The big issue of the month has been licensing hours for bars, which now seem to be changing on a daily basis. First news was in a local newspaper that said bar owners are pushing Pattaya to extend closing times. Fair enough, but wouldn't it be more useful to extend opening times? The next story was that some Pattaya bars might be permitted 24 hour opening during the high season. That's not really many hours for a whole season, is it? Following this, the new bar zoning regulations came in permitting 'some bars' to open until 3am. Which bars they were talking about is anybody's guess. Finally, we got the announcement from Mayor Ippititimus that bars will be allowed to stay open until 4.30am inside the zone and 3pm outside it as long as they run their businesses within Thai Law. There may be two small problems here. Firstly, nobody knows where these 'zones' are. Secondly, nobody seem to be too sure whose version of Thai Law they are supposed to be running their businesses within. The show goes on. Last week, Pattaya proudly welcomed yet another celebrity visitor with the arrival of Beaker from The Muppet Show… The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied "Ever tried to handcuff a snake?" This attempt to sell Pattaya on Ebay was abandoned after two months as no bids were received … Sixteen people were arrested by Banglamung police on suspicion of gambling after an apartment on Naklua Road was raided the other Monday, during which cash and decks of cards were confiscated. The identities of the offenders have been difficult to establish as they were mainly foreign nationals, though police say they found ID cards on the table identifying several of them, two of whom were named as Mr Bun the Baker and Mr Field the Farmer. A Russian gentleman who invited a couple of young ladies back to his room for some overnight tea and crumpets woke up the next morning having gained a huge hangover but having lost the two aforementioned ladies along with about a million baht's worth of possessions, according to the report he gave to the local plod. He reckoned that the girls might have drugged him (no shit, Sherlock). Jesus H Christ, what chance have guys with a bit of savvy got when bargirls have got so many brainless dickheads to go at? Local historians are speculating that Americans may have arrived in Pattaya much earlier than was previously thought following the discovery of these fossilised pretzels on Beach Road… Quite a few open and shut cases to report on a busy bar scene this month. Alcatraz A Go Go has opened its doors (strangely contradictory), as has Fahrenheit A Go Go, and Redlite Club will be opening soon down by Soho Square. On the downside, it looks like Cosy A Go Go may have breathed its last (not much of a downside to be honest). Performance Bar has reopened as an iron club, as opposed to The Iron Club, which isn't an iron club as it's got girls. Geddit? Oh, and Paris A Go Go has changed its name to Atlantis so expect it to sink without trace in the very near future. Most surprising news of the month though is that Sakura Club 69 hasn't opened or closed. Now that's amazing. Finally, Pattaya was privileged to receive a visit by a delegation from the Republic of Tajikistan last week. The purpose of their visit was apparently to learn more about the culture and traditions of Thailand, which would explain why they went home with a lorry load of chrome poles and condoms. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to another trek around the titillations of Thailand's tinsel town. In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here's a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren't any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside. Just to prove the point, a Thai Customs Officer has been found dead after falling 19 floors (down the outside) from a condo in Jomtien. A police spokesman said they were working on the theory that someone may have had a grudge against the officer because of her profession and two million people were helping them with their enquiries. Pattaya Sports Council is proud to announce that the stadium for this year's Flea Olympics has been completed on schedule… Bar news now, and in last month's Monkeywatch we reported that Sakura Club 69 had reopened on October 1 and we'd give you the closure date as soon as it was announced. Well, it closed on October 24. And you thought we were kidding (yeah, okay, so did we). Sin City has resurfaced as Club Relaxxx, Carousel A Go Go has reopened, and there's another new Go Go opening soon on Soi LK Metro on the site of the Blue Moon Bar, though it doesn't appear to have a name yet. The biggest development in the pipeline is that Soho Square is to be turned into a huge venue called White, which will reportedly be the largest disco in South East Asia. Much like The Pleasure Dome was going to be the biggest Go Go in Thailand? A bar girl came running out of the toilet the other week screaming that there was a cockroach in the cubicle. Well I was impressed. In most countries the little buggers just shit anywhere. A Cambodian man was shot and another given a good kicking when they were set upon by a gang of about 20 Thai chaps recently. The police think it may have been a case of mistaken identity as "all Cambodians look the same to us". Construction work on a Pattaya hotel had to be suspended last week after one of the contractor's cranes developed erectile dysfunction… A Pakistani who systematically robbed several bar girls of their money, jewellery and mobile phones at knifepoint was arrested by Pattaya Police last week. This must be one of the 'quality tourists' that Pattaya is always bending over backwards to attract. Makes a change from Iranians I suppose. Well no, actually it doesn't, as two Iranians were arrested last week after being caught stealing goods from Big C. They apparently bought a bag of stuff then went back later with the empty bag and stole items like deodorant and razor blades worth 80,000 baht. Big C obviously isn't the place to go for cheap toiletries then. One of the arrested men was rumoured to be the notorious thief known as 'The Persian Rug' because of his bad toupee. Fruit and vegetable prices in Pattaya have been soaring recently. This is mainly the result of bad weather in the East of Thailand, though it is believed that the price of bananas has been particularly affected due to a shortage caused by increased demand from local Go Go Bars. This could be the ideal venue if you're fed up of enjoying with misery… The Royal Thai Police have been at it in Patts again, this time raiding a beauty salon in Soi Buakhow. The manager was apparently arrested and charged under the Trades Descriptions Act after several staff and customers were found to be ugly. The raid season continued at Tepprasit Road Weekend Market, where officers from The Region 2 Center for Prevention and Suppression of Intellectual Property Violations (catchy little name) seized a large quantity of counterfeit goods such as watches, bags and sunglasses. They later raided Walking Street and seized an equally large quantity of counterfeit women. And remember, a showgirl may cost you that little bit more but at least you won't need to buy a bottle opener. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month's voyage to the bottom of the barrel. Well, TAT are no doubt celebrating their outstanding contribution to Pattaya as they've finally managed to fill the place with the kind of 'quality tourists' they've always fallen over themselves to attract – punters with even less money than the Thais. Everywhere you go now you're surrounded by rouble-less Russians, cheapskate Chinese, impecunious Indians and potless Pakistanis. There's even a rumour going round that they've been given their own website, cheapcuntsrus.com, to help them enjoy their stay. Marvellous. City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it's ruining the image of Pattaya's beaches. That's a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya's street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. This is the famous Tone Oven on Beach Road. It used to be called the Stone Oven. Looks like it'll soon be the Toe Oven… A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. Bars news now, and there's been a wee bit of a shake up in the Walking Street area recently. Paris A Go Go on Soi Diamond has reopened under new management, the old boss having migrated to Sakura Club 69 on Soi 15 which reopened yet again on 1 October. We'll give you the closure date as soon as it's announced. Sin City on Soi Covent Garden has breathed its last and is rumoured to be metamorphosing into an Arab disco, so make sure you haven't got a pig about your person if you decide to give it a visit (this is actually good advice in most situations). Oh, and Moulin Rouge has reopened if anybody cares. Nope, nobody does. Delegates from around the world have begun to gather in Pattaya for this year's annual Groucho Marx Convention… There's been a few unflattering comments made recently concerning the less than fragrant odours emanating from some of the Indian visitors currently invading Pattaya. This is of course largely due to them having to walk from their flyblown hotels to the bars, as they can't be expected to squander their whole night's drinking money on a baht bus ride. Going back to their rooms and spending the rest of the night in bed with 11 other blokes and a Beach Road freelancer probably doesn't help much either. Leicester, a British city famous for having a greater percentage of Indian residents than Mumbai, has sent its football team to Pattaya to prepare for a match against a Thai team in Bangkok this Saturday. The exact nature of these preparations has not been divulged, though it's rumoured that they've hired Max Mosley as a trainer. City Hall has decided to take all fun out of crossing the road in Pattaya by installing traffic lights on all the pedestrian crossings on Beach Road and Second Road. Or have they? You've just got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?.. Why can't you buy a burger in Pattaya without being asked "You want dlink and flies?" If I wanted flies, I'd have gone to a bloody street vendor. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it's widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here's a little reminder. It's quite simple. You see, it's one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they're pretending that they don't know. So now you know. be seeing you monkeyman

The music and the volume suit the venue perfectly. Keep them as they are.

Hi Dave I agree that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. As already suggested, tribute nights to specific bands might be worth a go. There's a Brit band called The Hamsters who do very popular tribute nights to both Hendrix and ZZ Top.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once again as we grab our spoons and stir the Pattaya porridge for all it's worth. Right, chocks away. Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn't at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell's teeth, what's the world coming to? The way things are going you'll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don't want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once. A deaf and dumb boy was attacked in Soi Yamoto the other Monday by a bloke who tried to steal his wallet and mobile phone. It is believed that the assailant may have been aggrieved after losing several games of pinball to his victim, who is reportedly hoping to go blind in order to improve his game even further. It's good to see that Pattaya has beefed up its coastal defences so that we don't have to worry if another tsunami hits… August 12 is Mothers Day in Thailand but it's not a bumper day for the card shops because you don't have to buy one unless your mother happens to be the Queen, as it's her birthday that's being celebrated. The event was marked in Pattaya by the release into the sea of 90 sharks and 779 turtles, which very quickly became 90 sharks and no turtles. They never learn, do they? Yet another record was broken in Pattaya three weeks ago with the unveiling of the world's longest sasher cake, which measured in at no less than 78 metres. The record in question was presumably for the most boring news story in living memory. A Burmese labourer was stabbed in the legs in early hours of Wednesday morning after he complained about the noise being made by his neighbour. Police are looking for a deaf midget with a knife and a bad temper. Maybe it's the Soi Yamoto pinball wizard looking for some payback. Pattaya Film Productions is currently making a movie based on the events of 9/11. As you can see from this still, it's packed full with state-of-the-art special effects… Bar news now, and as usual there's one or two entrances and exits from the list. Office A Go Go on Soi LK Metro is up and running as of last week and Paris A Go Go on Soi Diamond has closed down, though it should be reopening under new management at the weekend. Nothing to set the world on fire really. If you don't want to risk getting landed with a paternity suit after a trip to Pattaya, remember to practice safe sex. Some say you should always wear a condom, though wearing one during sex should be sufficient. Another way of practising safe sex is to tell the girls your name's Colin and you come from Albania. To date, this cunning ploy has only ever failed once. Sorry Colin. I went into a Pattaya store to buy something (as you do). The conversation with the shopkeeper went something like this. "You want large or small?" "Large please" "No hab" "Okay, I'll have small then" "No hab" I'll get the hang of it one day. Pattaya's much-heralded Titanic replica was finally launched last week. As you can see, it's hard to tell it from the real thing… The Pattaya Police Chief called a meeting last Wednesday with the Baht Bus Cooperative to discuss ongoing issues the city has with the buses. Baht Bus Cooperative? That's about as likely as Taliban Feminist. Anyway, one of the things to come out of the meeting is that baht buses are to be redesigned to prevent crimes such as necklace snatching and pickpocketing. Perhaps, while they're at it, the drivers could also be redesigned to prevent such crimes as loutish behaviour and overcharging punters. The president of the Baht Bus Cooperative is called Khun Tawat. Sounds like the right man for the job. Those of you daft enough to fly with British Airways were no doubt impressed by the news story last Friday about them accidentally playing a message on one of their flights that the plane was about to crash into the sea. One of the passengers was reported as saying "I can't think of anything worse than being told your plane's about to crash". How about "Your plane's about to crash and you've got a very small dick". Finally, it's been reported that a bar employee was lucky to escape with his life last week after a bullet fired at a bar in Third Road missed him. So I guess we were all lucky to escape with our lives because it missed us as well. be seeing you monkeyman

It always is.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to this month's plunge into the murky waters of Fun City. Right, off we go. Well, last month saw Thailand's latest step in the War On Tourism as the authorities decided to crack down on alcohol advertising. Bars were raided, condoms confiscated (no, not that sort) and huge fines threatened for any bar displaying alcohol adverts outside or inside. This is all allegedly "to protect non-drinkers". Protect them from what exactly? Passive drinking? With the attitude this lot have got to tourism, I'm surprised TAT hasn't been declared a terrorist group. The next step is apparently to make the beer bottle labels carry a picture of the effects of drinking. I can picture it now. A bloke with puke down his t-shirt wearing a set of plastic tits and a traffic cone on his head. Sales will soar. In an attempt to repair the damage, TAT organised a four-day 'Sea, Sand and Sun' festival on Beach Road a couple of weeks ago to highlight local culture and goods. The festival featured such diverse elements as decorated floats, sports displays, shows, exhibits and shopping tents. TAT said they expected more than 300,000 people to attend and more than 1.6 billion baht to go into the city's coffers, so I guess the actual reported figures of 41 people and 6280 baht must have come as a bit of a disappointment to them. No doubt they'll blame the rain. They also launched a campaign to publicise the sports facilities in the city. Pattaya has always regarded itself as a centre of sporting excellence, having a fine selection of venues where tourists can experience Thai fighting methods, such as the Fairtex Stadium, the Scorpion Muay Thai Gym and What's Up A Go Go. A local newspaper did its bit by running a competition for people to send in photos of their favourite spots in Pattaya. This was the winner... The boys in brown carried out yet another raid on Sunee Plaza last weekend, the target this time being the "Nice Boys Go Go Bar". Reports said that everyone in the bar was urine tested and 13 employees were found to be under the age of 18. It's amazing what they can find out from urine tests, isn't it? There's been a few people on the Internet recently asking what a Full Moon party is. Well, the basic idea is that you get pissed as a rat, pass out, and some Thais come along and nick all your gear. Speaking of the Internet, I had a email from eBay the other day promising me two days of free insertions but the girls weren't having any of it. A headless corpse was found washed up on Kram Island last Wednesday. A police spokesman said they feared it may the work of a serial killer as they had found a bodyless corpse washed up in the same area just a few hours earlier. There was another publicity coup for Pattaya this month as they unveiled the world's largest cheese grater... The bar scene has one or two stories to offer up this month apart from the plethora of punch-ups of which I'm sure most of you are already aware. The former Ice Bar on Soi LK Metro is to re-emerge as Office A Go Go, Rodeo Girls on Soi Pattayaland 1 has shut up shop and First A Go Go on Soi 8 has closed its doors until September. For those who mourn the passing of the Kilkenny Bar, a new Irish Bar going by the name of Mulligan's has opened on Central Festival Mall. Could be good news for those with deep pockets who like a decent drop of the old falling down water. For anyone daft enough to be interested, the final details of the Pattaya Marathon 2010 have been announced. The start/finish line will be in front of City Hall and the contestants will do some running somewhere in between. Don't know why they bother really. The average Pattaya visitor's idea of a marathon is 26 beers followed by 26 bargirls. American tourists have been complaining about all the fags hanging out on Beach Road. They may have a point... The Wednesday before last, Pattaya City Hall hosted a meeting for government employees who have volunteered to join a Public Health Ministry sponsored weight loss program. The scheme has officially been called "Bye-Bye Fatty" after employees were asked to choose what they thought to be the most appropriate name. This wasn't actually the name that got the most votes, but officials felt that "Fuck Off Lard Ass" might potentially stigmatise the participants. Finally, reports have been received about a Danish chappie who was found in a drugged up state at a bar just off Walking Street. Some said his beer had been laced with alcohol, though this was fiercely denied by the bar owner. Well I believe him. be seeing you monkeyman

I always read all your comments and can assure you that they are very much appreciated. Perhaps I should say so more often. Thanks for the support, guys.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's melee of musings on the happenings in Happy Town. There's been some discussion recently about how the 'girlfriend experience' in Thailand is dying out because of the shitty attitudes of the girls. Or perhaps it's just getting a little too realistic for comfort? Some Brits might be struggling to fund future trips to Pattaya after their new Government came up with a package of austerity measures alleged to be fair but mainly aimed at middle and upper income earners. Of course, they've got it all wrong. What they should have done is taken all the money off the poor. After all, they're experienced at being poor and so have the expertise to deal with it. If you make rich people poor, they don't know what the hell to do. I mean, where do you go for cheap champagne these days? The Pattaya Tourist Authority has issued an apology after its report of a large number of visitors arriving from Poland turned out to be an unfortunate misunderstanding… Very little to report on the bar front this month. Legs on Soi Pattayaland 2 has closed and Peppermint has moved downstairs. Oh, and The Pleasure Dome still hasn't appeared (surprise, surprise). An unusual discovery was made in a house in Soi Neun Plub Wan the other Thursday in the form of a rare insect known as a stink bug. These creatures can be identified by the way they defend themselves with a foul-smelling liquid when they are attacked, though this description could be equally be applied to a drunken expat brandishing a bottle of Chang. A local sign maker was electrocuted a couple of Wednesdays ago while installing a light box in East Pattaya. An official expressed surprise that the man had not survived as he had recently been sacked from a local orchestra for being such a bad conductor. Pattaya has launched a new sized soft drinks bottle in an attempt to capture the American market… The ubiquitous Child and Women Protection Unit still seem to be having an identity crisis, as one of their latest escapades was to bust a World Cup gambling operation in a shop near Third Road. The shop owner was arrested and a punter who was caught placing a bet on England to win the World Cup was sent to a local hospital for psychiatric reports. Pattaya made the Thailand national news the other weekend after a UFO was sighted and filmed by an employee of a local skydiving company. An expert initially identified it as a weather balloon but later conceded that it might have been a German tourist bungee jumping On the last Friday in June, Beach Road hosted a special United Nations sponsored Anti-Human Trafficking Concert. So what exactly are anti-humans then? Are they like anti-matter? Anyway, don't traffic them. You have been warned. Definitely not a seat for lowdown bums… I guess we can't finish without mentioning the coverage of Patts in the British press recently following the shootings in Cumbria by Derrick Bird for which Thailand is obviously to blame. We were regaled with tales of "promises of sexual acts for no more than £5" and the like. If that's true, I think a few girls have been breaking their promises. Shame on them. Don't you just love the British tabloids though? The public at large know little enough about what really goes on in Pattaya, and if they keep reading reports like these they'll end up knowing nothing at all. Still, as one bar owner said, "No publicity is bad publicity". Oh yeah? Tell that to Gary Glitter. Actually, I wonder if old Birdie was a member of the Thai Kisses website? All the blokes on there look like serial killers. Right, I'm off to shoot my brother. And my solicitor. And everybody else. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our 50th edition as the horror that was the curfew fades from what's left of our minds and life in Patts returns to abnormal. For those of you weren't around and missed the dreaded curfew, here's some candid photos of the unfolding drama on the first night, live and as it happened… Here's an action shot on Beach Road at 9pm… And here's one of Walking Street at 10.30pm… And one of LK Metro at midnight… Yes, the last two photos are indeed in the wrong order. No fooling you guys. Sales of barbeques have reportedly plummeted in Bangkok recently as residents save money by cooking their burgers and sausages in the embers of their local shopping malls. It was a case of "There's A Girl in My Soup" on Sukumvit Road the other Saturday when a car went out of control and ran into a load of street vendors, breaking legs and spilling large quantities of soup over stallholders in the process. The driver attempted to flee the scene but police persuaded him to reconsider with the help of a few whacks from their batons. The man claimed that the accident wasn't his fault as his brakes had failed and asked the police to give him a break…or was it a brake? A man's headless corpse was found floating in Samae San Bay recently according to a police spokesman who added that the man was most likely murdered. Guess they've ruled out suicide then. With increasing numbers of Asian tourists arriving in Pattaya, new accommodation is being built to make them feel more at home… If you thought Pattaya barfines were high, have you seen that ginger Brit tart who wanted £500,000 for an introduction to her ex-husband? I wonder if that included the ST room? Bomb disposal experts rushed to a road in East Pattaya last week after a suspicious looking device was spotted near to a train track. The bomb turned out to be a fake but police have not been able to trace its origin as the local street vendors only seemed to be selling genuine ones. Not much in the way of bar news this month. Sapphire Club A Go Go has opened on Soi 15 and Carousel has closed (not before time) with the girls moving to the newly opened Cavern A Go Go on Walking Street. Good luck to 'em. The 'Healing Thailand' religious event designed to promote peace and harmony following the recent troubles was held in a mansion building in North Pattaya at the end of last week. However, there have been reports that scuffles broke out when police tried to arrest a priest for throwing a brick at a man in a coloured shirt, at which point the assembled worshippers retaliated and all hell broke loose. The fighting eventually spilled out into the street and tourists scattered as a hail of bricks, bottles, petrol bombs and God knows what else rained down on them. Order was only restored when a quick thinking monk demolished the entire building with a well-aimed shot from a bazooka that he just happened to have with him. Undaunted, the organisers claimed that the event had been 'a great success' and hope to hold another such gathering next year, though probably at an alternative location. In an unusual turn of events, a tourist recently received a refund from a bar after going back and complaining that the girl he'd barfined was a starfish… Pattaya's most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain 'human trafficking' to them again. Finally, City Hall's latest good idea to promote their fair city is currently under way. Called 'Pattaya Shop On The Beach', the idea is that you.. er..shop on the beach. It is believed to have been inspired by the 'Pattaya Shag On The Beach' initiative that has been so successfully introduced into the local culture by visitors from Russia. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to a new fiscal year full of fun as Monkeywatch celebrates its fourth birthday, an occasion which surely warrants an extra special edition. But that'd be hard work, so sod that. We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that's taking the impersonation just a little bit too far. Well, after the red shirts and the yellow shirts, Pattaya now seems to have acquired itself a new group called the no colour shirts. Serves them right for using cheap washing powder. We've also got the pink shirts, who go on demonstrations to criticise the dress sense of the other factions, and the no shirts who can be identified by their abundance of tacky tattoos and their characteristic way of walking with their knuckles scraping on the ground. Fully furnished pool? Now that's just showing off… The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something. If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail. The hunt is on for a senior Pattaya Police Officer after it was alleged that he was behind a failed attempt to demolish the Temple of the Emerald Buddha in Bangkok with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. The officer who actually carried out the unsuccessful attack, one Police Lance Corporal Bandit (no, really), claimed that his senior colleague had given him 500,000 baht and the weapon with which to accomplish the dastardly deed. He added that he saw nothing wrong with this as a British soldier had once told him that it was normal procedure for senior officers to give junior colleagues the occasional rocket. And if that wasn't enough, police in Jomtien arrested a Thai soldier on Monday morning after he was seen staggering up the beach pissed as a rat and shooting a handgun at anything that moved. Jesus H Christ, what can we expect next? A good kicking from the Tourist Police Volunteers? The local Navy base has announced that it is to deploy the world's first gay mines… Last Friday, a seminar was held at Pattaya City Hall to discuss improvements to late night entertainment venues. No problem fellers, just introduce free beer for the blokes and compulsory nudity for the girls and you're home and dry. Bar stories next, and the old Honey/Sisterz site has once again risen like a phoenix from the ashes in another guise, this time as the Cavern A Go Go, and should be opening this week. Let's just hope the name isn't indicative of what the girls are packing down below. Let's also hope that it doesn't turn out like its namesake in Liverpool – full of pissed up lard-arsed slappers in shell suits. On the other side of the coin, Tramps has closed down, as has Sakura Club 69, though most months it's more of a surprise if it doesn't. We've also lost another group of beer bars, this time on the corner of Soi 9 and 2nd Road, presumably to make way for another guest-free hotel of which Pattaya now seems to have a depressing abundance. It's always nice to send a letter home from Pattaya… Ten homes in Rawiporn Village had their water meters nicked the other week by two blokes posing as security guards. This has reportedly exacerbated water problems in the village, though it should earn the meter readers a bit of overtime. Now here's a strange story. The Tuesday before last, a Thai bloke wandered into the Pratamnuk Police Station and reported that he'd been intimidated and attacked at the Pattaya Viewpoint by two men who then robbed him, stripped him naked and tied him to a tree. Another case of 'Tie a yellow Thai man to the old oak tree'. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another peepshow on Pattaya. Let the eyeballing commence. Well, a couple of weekends ago we were once again treated to that wonderful event known as the Pattaya International Music Festival. The basic idea behind this is that you close some roads for three days causing complete gridlock so that a load of Thai teenage gangs can come into town and have a punch up. Oh, and a few bands that nobody's ever heard of play a few tunes. This has the potential to become as popular as Songkran. Deep joy. There were some rumours flying about that the 60s British band The Scaffold had been sighted behind the main stage but it turned out to be just a misunderstanding… For the duration of the festival, local Thais gave Beach Road the nickname 'Road Of Clap', which cleverly described both the generous applause given to the performers and the locals' opinion of the goods for sale on these stalls… Last Wednesday, members of the Royal Thai Marine Corps took part in a local war games exercise in which large amounts of live ammunition were used. The event was deemed to be a success, though the resultant depletion in ammunition stocks means that any attack from a neighbouring country in the next few months is likely to be repelled by catapults and peashooters. A chappie from Sattahip discovered a live mortar while digging around in a garbage dump for 'items of value' a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps he should get in touch with the Royal Thai Marine Corps. A British expat was arrested in Jomtien the other week for flogging pirate DVD movies. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station and 'processed in accordance with Thai law', so keep your eyes peeled for some DVD bargains in the Soi 9 area. They also arrested a tubby Thai tart for knocking out fake designer handbags, so let's have no more talk about xenophobia. This sign outside the A1 Hotel in Soi 1 has caused considerable consternation among their Japanese guests, many of whom have spent their entire holiday standing up… Meanies in the Thai Government have decided to increase the tax on alcohol this month to discourage all you naughty boys from getting too pissed during Songkran. The increase will be 20 baht per 100ml for drinks containing up to 12 per cent alcohol and 40 baht for anything stronger, so only use bars that water down the drinks. That shouldn't limit your choice too much. There's also been some outrageous talk of a further 20 baht tax on drinks sold to foreigners in bars. Perhaps someone should remind them that they're the bloody foreigners. Not many movers and shakers worth reporting on the bar scene. Powers Club has opened on Walking Street and Mirage and Illusion have both closed. Hardly news to set the world on fire. It'd struggle to light a match. Here's a nice example of health and safety that was observed at the Bridge Bar in Heathrow Terminal 3 a couple of weeks ago. A barman collecting glasses spilt some beer on the wooden floor so the eagle-eyed manager immediately placed one of those 'caution-wet floor' signs over the spot. No further action was taken until about 15 minutes later (by which time the spot had virtually dried out) when a barmaid appeared, mopped the area until it was even wetter than it had started and then removed the sign. Absolutely true, I kid you not. You couldn't make it up, could you? The name doesn't exactly tickle the taste buds… Last Thursday, the Mayor of Pattaya received a gift of 50 cardboard coffins that are apparently for the use of foreigners. Good idea. All they have to do now is put them under hotel balconies and wait. There was some high jinks on Sukhumvit Road last Thursday when a street cleaner discovered a heavy package which he believed might be a bomb. Police were called but the package was found to contain nothing more than brochures from a local air conditioning company. Both the street cleaner and the owner of the company were subsequently arrested just for the hell of it. Finally, the long awaited Highway 7 from Bangkok to Pattaya is finally open so visitors to Pattaya now have even more choice of traffic jams to get stuck in. So perhaps we don't need the Music Festival any more. We can but hope. be seeing you monkeyman

I had this same problem a couple of weeks ago. Seems to be a temporary glitch.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to the month in which Julius Caesar ignored the warnings and got taken from behind - and he wasn't even in Sunee Plaza. Let the games begin. Thailand's tourism council has said that, because of political instability and the possibility of violent protests, foreigners should avoid visiting Bangkok from February 26 onwards. So that means nobody can ever go there again, right? As you're no doubt already aware, Tahitian Queen 1 on Beach Road was raided a couple of weekends ago. The police officers involved, who were from the Human Trafficking Division, claimed the operation to be a great success as they had succeeded in arresting three Polish plumbers and a Bulgarian bricklayer. A couple of their colleagues later arrested a housemaid at View Talay Villas in Jomtien after reports that a woman's pussy had been penetrated in the street, though she was later released after it transpired that her cat had become impaled on a steel fence. When holidaymakers depart from Pattaya, they are respectfully reminded to leave their rooms as they would wish to find them… On February 2, a police box mysteriously appeared on Beach Road. Police have no idea where it came from and investigations are continuing. Remember Naklua opening its own version of Walking Street that was going to give Pattaya a whole new image? Well, it's closed down already. Just more proof if it were needed that social engineering in Pattaya is about as feasible as knitting fog. A Thai bloke was shot dead the other Saturday at a bar in Pattanagan Road, East Pattaya where he worked as a DJ. It is believed he had been playing Barry Manilow records for several hours on the night in question and this may have provoked the gunman, who now faces a charge of justifiable homicide. To keep Pattaya at the cutting edge of cinematographic technology, the local authority is proud to announce the opening of the city's first 3D movie theatre… Bars news now, and Walking Street welcomes yet another new Go Go with the impending opening next week of Powers Club upstairs from Champion. Other news includes the reopening of Rodeo Girls (yawn) and Fun Room closing yet again. That place opens and closes so often it's like having a neon sign outside. On February 4, a new police box funded by the local community of Nong Maidang was opened on Sukhumvit Road. Unfortunately, the key was entrusted to a chap known only as 'The Doctor' and neither him nor the box have been seen since. A worker was rushed to hospital the other week after suffering severe burns in the Nong Pla Lai district while erecting a neon sign outside a convenience store. Locals are referring to the incident as "the tragic events of 7/11". There's a new police chief in town and reports say that prostitution is high on his agenda. Sounds like we have a lot in common. And he's not the only new kid on the block with the opening of the first Interplod office in Pattaya. Shares in companies manufacturing brown trousers have reportedly hit an all-time high. Affluent Asian tourists never miss an opportunity for vulgar displays of wealth, particularly when showing off their newly purchased supercars… Yet another Asian tourist was robbed of his worldly goods on Beach Road the other night, this time by three blokes pretending to be police officers. You know, Pattaya has definitely become a much safer place for Westerners since the influx of dopey Asian tourists gave the muggers and ladyboys some much easier targets to go for. I think we all owe them a debt of gratitude. Silly buggers. Seventy people convicted of drunk driving offences have each been sentenced to six hours community service - presumably as baht bus drivers until they sober up. Police arrested a Pattaya market fish vendor on Saturday after she was caught selling class 1 drugs. Perhaps she should try opening a drug store and selling class 1 fish. Finally, the much-publicised February 15 concert by Droop Noise and the Crackdowns was cancelled after they failed to show up. No refunds were given to those who were daft enough to buy tickets. be seeing you monkeyman

I'll have some of that. See you there Dave.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and if you think you think you've got problems with snow, whenever my girlfriend goes to powder her nose I have lend her a straw. But I digress, so on with the show. A Russian tourist was sliced in two by a speedboat the other Monday whilst swimming in a boating channel off the coast of Koh Larn. A police spokesman said they were still trying to locate the man's other half, though it's unclear at this stage whether or not they were referring to his wife. Last week saw the staging of the Cowboy Music Carnival 2010 at Bali Hai Port in South Pattaya. The audience were treated to a selection of old favourites such as 'Cotton-Eyed Jao', 'Yellow Rose of Tha Khlong' and 'Take Me Home, Country Sois'. Central Festival Hall was the venue for this year's annual Pattaya Underwater Farting Competition. The winner, Mr Fukkmee Wattapong, set a new tournament record when he produced this startling array of bubbles… The other Monday, a street vendor staggered into Dongtan Police Station to report that he had been robbed at gunpoint while selling bags to tourists. A statement from the police said that this was a clear case of Bagman and Robbin'. A Norwegian bloke made a complaint to Pattaya Police the other week that 34,675 baht had gone missing from his hotel safety deposit box. He was immediately arrested for pedantry and placed on the sex offenders' register. Speaking of people from cold countries getting robbed, an Icelandic tourist was relieved of his cash a couple of weekends ago by three ladies he had taken to his room. He passed out after drinking a glass of water given to him by one of them and woke up the next morning to find himself ladyless and potless. He told police he suspected that the water was drugged. No shit, Sherlock. The moral of this story is 'avoid water – and anyone who looks like they might be from Iceland'. There's always plenty of useful information on hand for new visitors to Pattaya… Police were called to Soi Neun Plub Wan the Friday before last after local residents discovered the body of a construction worker inside a plastic container. The exact circumstances of his death remain a mystery but it has been rumoured that it may lead to Tupperware parties being reclassified as dangerous sports. Bar stuff next, so let's start with the bad news (well, not so bad actually). Snowice on Walking Street has closed, as has Limmatquai (aka Poof's Paradise) on Soi Diamond, and Hospita disco on Walking Street shut up shop before most folks even knew it had opened. On the upside, Tramps in Soi Diamond has just reopened as a Go Go with the promise of some new ideas (whatever that means), and the area above the Siren Beer Bar Complex is to be redeveloped yet again for an anticipated reopening in April under the name of Siren Square. It will reputedly feature beer bars and a Go Go, which sounds not entirely dissimilar (as in exactly the same) as its last spectacularly unsuccessful incarnation. Still, it's their money (for now). One can't help but feel that it might have been smarter to conduct their tests a little further away from that barbecue in front of the van… Rescue units were called to North Pattaya the Tuesday before last to assist a Thai fellow who'd apparently tried to commit suicide by consuming a bottle of toilet cleaner. A hospital spokesman said they were treating it as a cry for help as if he'd been making a serious attempt he would've swallowed some seawater. Officials from Chiang Mai Open Zoo visited Pattaya at the beginning of the month on a fact-finding trip to see how animal parks and zoos operate in the area. They visited Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens and Sriracha Tiger Zoo while noticeably avoiding the Crocodile Park, possibly due to its alarming propensity to turn the surrounding area into something resembling Jurassic Park whenever the crocs decide to take advantage of the establishment's well-documented security shortcomings. Finally, to make way for the bar crackdown scheduled to begin this month, the upcoming civil war has had to be postponed until further notice. We apologise for any inconvenience. be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for pic 3)

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Happy New Year to one and all as we emerge from behind our sofas after pretending not to be in when the usual hordes of ghastly relatives came to visit. Okay, on with the business. There was a nasty incident the other Friday when a truck went out of control just off the Pratamnuk Road and crashed in the base of an apartment complex, spilling its payload of quick drying cement over a crowd of elderly residents. So some old people really are set in their ways. A lottery ticket vendor in East Pattaya had a less than happy Christmas when she was whacked across the head with a metal pipe and robbed of her tickets and cash. The thief escaped the scene but was later apprehended when he came back to her with a winning ticket and demanded his prize money. This year is to see a major upgrade of the emergency services in Pattaya, particularly in the area of response times. A spokesman said that in future they hoped to be able to measure the response times on a stopwatch rather than on a calendar. You really have to admire the artistry of Pattaya dogs when it comes to crapping on seats… Bar news now, and the boys in brown have been taking the piss again with samples being obtained from staff and Thai customers in Insomnia and Lucifer during raids last Monday. It is rumoured that Pattaya now has the largest urine database in Asia, a feat of which they are no doubt justifiably proud. Other developments include the opening of Baccara A Go Go on the old Molly Malone's site and a new coyote bar called Teazers at the front of the corridor leading to Living Dolls One. Could be handy, that – it's hell of a long corridor to go down without being able to get a drink. A Swedish bloke was arrested a couple of Wednesdays ago after being spotted on Third Road driving a bogus police car while pissed out of his skull. He turned out to be a wannabe Tourist Police Assistant Trainee who'd been chucked off the training course. All his police paraphernalia was confiscated, though he was allowed to keep his furry pink handcuffs after it was decided that such items were more likely to be used in the committal of an offence than the prevention of one. Central Festival Hall is delighted to announce that it has just received its first consignment of Tom Jones size condoms… A newbie was overheard in a 7/11 the other day obviously intent on trying out his newly acquired mastery of the Thai language. "Showaddy crap", he proudly pronounced. The poor bloke behind the counter didn't know whether he was saying hello or slagging off a 70s British glam-rock band. The Pattaya Traffic Department has reported that a pedestrian wasn't killed as he crossed the main road in Banglamung last Friday. They say that this brings the total number of pedestrians not killed crossing that road to over 20 for the month of December, which is believed to be an all time high since records began. They hailed this as a triumph, adding that it proved their unstinting commitment to health and safety. In an attempt to improve the flow of pedestrians along Beach Road, special zones have been designated for tourists with excessively large buttocks… The body of a man was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya the other Tuesday. Although severely decomposed, the body has been identified as a foreigner though his nationality remains unknown. The police could only confirm was that he definitely wasn't Japanese as his penis was more than an inch long. Speaking of Japanese, a Japanese comedian broke his ankle in an incident at the Tropicana Hotel on Beach Road just before Christmas after being fired from a cannon during the filming of a television game show. The show's producers said the programme would have to be postponed until he recovered as it would be difficult to find another man of his calibre. Guess their jokes aren't any newer than his. And speaking of small penises, a survey carried out in India has concluded that international size condoms are too large for the majority of Indian men, whose todgers are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacturing. Doctor Chander Puri of the Indian Council of Medical Research said "The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears". Perhaps somebody should tell them that you're only supposed to use them once. be seeing you monkeyman